super vote: ( left this week)
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Could I have the chips without chips please? Here's the £1.90 without the £1.90.
26/09/22 11:30:02, edited: 26/09/22 11:30:24
"Is that your dog?""That depends. Are those your balls?"
22/09/22 14:41:16
Typical. My bus doesn't show and then 5 turn up all at once.
15/09/22 19:00:16
For those carpenters who like to bury themselves in their work.
11/09/22 11:04:51
That jumper is an eyeful
11/09/22 7:00:44
"Hmm... I'm sure I put those Health & Safety manuals up here somewhere..."
08/09/22 7:14:10
"I'm not sure I'm cut out for this kind of exercise."
05/09/22 7:00:12
"I love yew."
31/08/22 11:08:47
What the hell is Sambuchino, and why is throwing it at gnomes a good defence?
31/08/22 7:10:06
My other car's a Ford Siesta
24/07/22 11:04:40
''You may now give the bride a kiss on the lips or, if you prefer, a peck on the cheek.''
18/07/22 7:03:23
Best in Snow
14/07/22 19:05:35
Adam was pleased with a bronze in the water drinking contest.
12/07/22 19:01:51
I've always thought that alien abductions would be more high-tech
11/07/22 11:07:35
Following the death of the restaurant manager, police arrested the graphics designer on suspicion of murder but could not find a motif
10/07/22 5:50:15
The Dunhills have Eyes
09/07/22 7:00:27
"DAAAAAAAAAAAVE! It's 8am!!"
05/07/22 7:00:09
Young people don't respect their elders nowadays.
04/07/22 11:06:33
Siberian hussy.
27/06/22 11:02:23
"Sir, I know you've tried your best to make it look less dangerous, but you still can't have an unexploded U-boat mine in your back garden."
27/06/22 7:18:05
''Joe has been the head gardener here for many years.''
19/06/22 11:02:36
"Ooh ooh ohh.""Sorry are my hands cold?"
16/06/22 11:18:59
The Blair SpringWatch Project
31/05/22 19:00:11
Kale Mary
27/05/22 7:00:10
"That's OK, you're swimming in our septic tank."
19/05/22 7:02:06
''This kind of behaviour in public doesn't bother me. I just turn a blind eye to it.''
04/05/22 19:11:54
Who's aged the best, Stonehenge or Art Garfunkel?
30/04/22 9:19:16
"I'm telling you; cats ALWAYS land on their... Oh..."
14/04/22 19:00:13
“She just lies back and thinks of Egypt.”
13/04/22 7:31:31
Later that evening George couldn’t wait to tear off her knickers , they were killing him.
08/04/22 8:07:45
That explains why there's always so many bikes in the canal.
25/03/22 10:53:23
There's something you don't see very often - all day parking for sick squid.
16/03/22 8:00:09
It was a people carrier before it shrank in the rain.
09/03/22 12:01:17
"Let's go and supprise your sister and see how she is getting on at University."
26/01/22 12:04:17
"Finally, my nose has stopped running!"
24/01/22 20:00:29
"Do you need a hand in there?"
23/01/22 20:00:09
"OK which one of you put Viagra in Barry's cocoa the undertakers now can't shut the coffin lid."
22/01/22 20:47:15
"Maybe you should have waited to see who was a match as your kidney doner before giving the t-shirts Dave."
31/12/21 20:27:50
It seems that all Prices are inflated
25/12/21 8:08:15
"Say Arnie! Those nurses are real jokers, they wrote 'Rocky' on my bed chart.""I know, but they can't spell, they wrote 'Terminate' on mine."
18/12/21 12:03:30
When I said put the heating on..
16/12/21 20:14:00
It's good to get all your kids round for Christmas.
09/12/21 8:07:19
“No wonder his cheeks are red.”
06/12/21 8:45:57
"No, I will NOT be having a little brother!"
26/11/21 12:00:13
‘Your breath smells like nuts.’“It’s Ken’s birthday.”
24/11/21 12:02:02
"What an amazing coincidence. They've both put Rohypnol in each other's drink."
21/11/21 20:28:36
“They don’t really have a purpose do they mummy?”‘They take the bins out and that’s about it.’Nod to 20:01:03
17/11/21 23:09:31
''There used to be nine members of staff until I let one go.''
15/11/21 20:01:57
Jane knew that her decision to shag Davewould one day come backto bite her in the arse.
09/11/21 14:40:51
"I hate to see perfectly good pumpkins wasted."
31/10/21 12:16:28
When I were a lad we went through the mangle.
19/10/21 13:01:45
It broke many records including most deep fried Mars Bars eaten, most cans of Tennant's Super drunk and most fags puffed in a race, yet nobody mentions the Tour de Scotland anymore.
13/10/21 7:01:53
Dear Mrs Parker,While we understand your frustration, we regret to inform you that even though your neighbour was perfectly within their rights to have any garden ornaments they chose, yours exceeds the new garden ornament standards we introduced after your complaint. Please remove it immediately.Yours sincerely,Luton Town Council
08/10/21 7:08:37
Dear Mrs Parker, While we understand your frustration, we regret to inform you that your neighbour is perfectly within their rights to have any garden ornaments they choose.Yours sincerely,Luton Town Council
06/10/21 11:05:57
"What's for tea?""Salad"
29/09/21 7:04:56
"Jane, we've been together a long time and, I hope I'm not asking too much but I know you love me, so... PLEASE MAY I SIPHON SOME OF YOUR PETROL?"
26/09/21 8:35:19
Noël Gallagher
22/09/21 19:02:06
Blood sweet and tiers.
17/09/21 7:01:06
''Oh no! There's a leek in his nappy.''
10/09/21 19:07:48
His Royal Thighness
19/08/21 12:41:14
Snackered!
07/08/21 19:03:11
Predictive text
01/08/21 7:16:42
Who said Germans don't have a sense of humour?
27/07/21 19:09:26
You could tell by the skid marks.
23/07/21 11:00:12
"Quickly, check the cushions for some change. There's a toll booth coming up."
23/07/21 7:15:03
"You cheating son-of-a-bitch.."
19/07/21 19:04:39
"Sorry to intrude, but could I please have my rubber bone back?"
19/07/21 7:07:59
"Yes sir, aisle three by the squid rings".
15/07/21 11:23:12
Poor tiddles, that big moth had been his best friend for the last 24 hours. Now he really wished he hadn't invited him to his birthday party.
10/07/21 19:28:09
"I put my heart and sole into my art."
06/07/21 7:00:05
"Cheat!...take the two golf balls out of your cheeks"
04/07/21 9:24:50
I see they've got the receivers in.
02/07/21 7:15:10
"I kept popping out like that then they had me castrated. "
30/06/21 7:02:34
Catholic Church's apology for historical sex crimes branded 'inadequate'.
25/06/21 19:00:10
"Sir, do you mind running through it again?"
22/06/21 11:05:16
Man faces consequences of spending his entire honeymoon captioning a cat photo.
22/06/21 7:03:31
You spoil that ferret Dave.
16/06/21 20:45:33
Pony tale
11/06/21 16:32:25
Bill and Ted and Dave and Steve and Tim and Mick and Trevor and Scott and John's Excellent Adventure
11/06/21 7:17:15
''How did Polly get out of her cage?''''She used the escape key.''
09/06/21 11:24:46
"Congratulations sir , excuse me if I don't shake your hand."
07/06/21 19:16:59
Peter Parkour.
04/06/21 19:09:53
"Blimey your dog is reading that book. That's amazing""Not really, he's supposed to be studying for his police exam"
28/05/21 11:17:19
"It was going so well until someone threw a toilet roll on the pitch and Buddy felt like a puppy again..."
25/05/21 7:08:06
William realised he had just narrowly escaped death by a couple of feet.
22/05/21 19:49:20
Quack Lives Matter.
17/05/21 7:20:19
As quick as you can please, we've got The Beatles turning up any minute.
17/05/21 7:04:36
Special Offer: Buy one, set one free.
16/05/21 19:00:11
Oh thank goodness it's only a crocodile, I thought it was Jehovah's witnesses
14/05/21 11:01:38
Dracula never flew anywhere without his entourage.
01/05/21 7:00:10
Sadly, none of the gospels recorded Jesus's performance of YMCA.
23/04/21 11:12:14
"Don't s'pose you could pass me that gun beside you?"
18/04/21 19:11:21
The lower sign is for constipated bats
08/04/21 7:08:47
''I can't understand why you worry so much about pandemics. We're always the first to get the vaccine.''
06/04/21 11:32:19
"Yep, I think we can allow him to go into the pub."
04/04/21 19:00:15
She works in the intensive scare unit.
31/03/21 7:37:42
Men be hoovering badly
22/03/21 8:04:11
''Hurry up. The tooth is killing me.''
16/03/21 8:01:15
BREAKING NEWS: Daisy's second lunar mission ends in failure.(But the little dog still has a good laugh)
16/02/21 20:02:51
"They did warn me that if I kept putting my head out of the car window, my face would get stuck like this."
12/02/21 8:04:06
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