Neil Mackenzie

When you catch the biggest fish you've ever caught, and the wife says she's had bigger.

09/02/20 8:14:50

That's a pass. Says the Volkswagen Diesel Emission Test Engineer.

20/02/18 23:40:24

🎵 Ground Control to Ginger Tom.🎵

11/01/17 8:01:35

I prefer Rocket Manx. --Troompa Loompa

There had been a steady stream of customers all day.

28/09/16 16:09:33

nice --sandeep chahal

Roy was being stalked by an old flame.

07/01/14 10:12:31

Glow ball warning.

29/09/14 23:54:57

In Glasgow a ray of sunshine breaks through the dense cloud blanket, completely startling a local Glaswegian.

04/03/20 21:23:11

Next time the Elephants are making love you know not to startle them.

25/07/18 8:08:55

lol --sandeep chahal

You can't shoot every man I've ever slept with.
Give me one reason why not.
You don't have enough bullets.

16/08/20 20:20:00

Wait till her Father finds out she is seeing a Coloured Gentleman.

22/12/13 12:19:10

I've got a Thumper of an headache.

26/08/14 9:52:24

I'm going to have to build the kids a tree house.

11/05/14 20:12:14

We should have brought shorts.
Nah, beer 'll do.

10/07/13 20:19:01

Rod Hull demonstrates how to casually walk past an Emu, before catching it unaware and sticking his arm up it's arse.

creative x2

18/01/13 20:27:34

She always was full of herself.

05/07/12 20:00:56

It's that time of the month again.

18/04/12 20:00:54

Women

02/04/12 11:12:08

The origin of the Yellow River.

21/04/21 9:42:35

Joe was blind but he knew his wife had took her knickers off.

14/11/20 9:18:05

I've turned the house upside down and I still can't find my car keys.

10/02/20 12:12:55

clever x2

Double Grazing.

03/10/18 7:15:06

Brilliant! --Funny Bean

Process food linked to depression.

26/02/18 8:11:19

"Uh oh, spaghetti woes!" --Greg Curtis

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

27/01/18 22:26:03

Romeo Beckham: For God's sake Mum I'm on the phone.

03/09/16 8:08:01

Is that why all my Kids are little shits?

29/10/15 8:06:41

Donna you were drunk last night.
No I wasn't.
OK explain why the oven ready chicken is outside the back door and the cat is in the fridge?

08/05/21 8:22:18

Where's the poop deck?

11/08/20 20:23:30

Farmer:- How many times have I told you not to chew your Pen.

03/10/13 9:43:41

It's time to put on Cassocks.
It's time to praise the light.
It's time to meet the Puppets on the Pulpit Show tonight.

28/08/13 20:40:03

Praying at the Mosque, Ali was lifted up by the power of Allah. Only to have his head repeatedly bashed into the floor for leaving his shoes and socks on.

05/01/14 15:17:29

If you want a Brick House I can do it for Sixty Thousand, if that's too expensive? I can get my brother to build a Wooden House for Forty Thousand. You want something cheaper; well my Youngest Brother will build you a Straw House for Twenty Thousand.

13/07/13 8:00:11

It said on the Seed packet that they grew to two Feet.

05/05/13 13:53:47

Bit leggy though. --John Glover

After the Accident Santa was charged with Drink Driving.
He'd only had 91.8 million sherries.

14/03/13 12:00:12

Barry couldn't start playing he was waiting for the Conductor.

05/03/13 13:51:09

Another small business has Folded.

06/10/12 20:09:10

How does he afford a car like that?
He must be peddling something

14/04/12 20:04:53

A belle pepper.

08/03/21 8:04:33

The Artist doesn't charge for his work, but the Bull does.

18/04/20 9:30:47

Saviour legs and sit down.

22/02/20 8:13:48

Willie - 'Four' heâ€™s a jolly good fellow --Stephen Bean

clever x2

Romancing the Stone.

19/11/19 19:24:22

It's a shame this was a late entry. Hopefully more people see it. --James Lennox

Day two of his diet and Dave had started to hallucinate.

26/06/19 16:36:22

He's watching BC 1.

22/04/18 8:00:57

It is so big there is a no fly zone around it.

19/09/16 8:08:08

It was the rutting season so he thought he'd spruce him self up a bit.

06/02/16 12:14:52

Paddy you don't need to do that.
But that's what the sign says.
You're not reading it properly, it says your dog, and it's not your dog it's Murphy's.

11/09/15 8:22:30

Brilliant :-) --Chris Beach

They'd been trained not to eat the chocolate Easter eggs but no one said anything about a rabbit. He was delicious.

02/04/21 12:13:46

St Trinians award day. Rose received the third place medal for alerting the headmistress the school inspector was coming. Mabel received the second place cup for hockey having hospitalised rival school players yet only being sent off once when she took out the referee. First place goes to Jasmine for fencing after luring the lorry driver towards the bushes and then when his trousers were around his ankles running and driving off with the lorry and enough chain link fence to repair the tennis and netball courts. Rachael deserves a round of applause for sneaking onto the Podium.

08/11/20 19:13:38

It's been like this ever since the woman in the flat above got a new Dyson.

06/04/20 18:24:52

A memory phone mattress.

16/02/20 8:04:52

Could I see the dogu please.

08/01/20 20:01:48

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

10/10/19 8:06:12

He was cut out for this job.

06/06/19 8:14:44

His teeth are as false as his tears.

29/01/19 21:25:54

She gave me that come to bed look.

21/06/17 9:03:21

These Kangaroo bottle opener's weren't exactly jumping off the shelves.

28/05/17 20:44:56

Paddy started the venture after the failure of his sign writing business.

21/06/16 8:05:59

A record 45 seconds before that one kicked in... --Greg Curtis

They're just Mates.

16/03/16 8:09:28

Thieving Basket.

05/11/15 8:19:28

Rear Guard

13/07/15 8:03:37

Have you seen my nuts?
With all that fur there is no chance.

06/06/15 17:37:25

A narrow parking space, it's only six feet wide.

05/05/15 12:00:11

They were both arrested. One for getting his Organ out in Public and the other for Twiddling his Knob.

07/02/13 8:56:43

I can't think of a Punch line.

26/12/12 20:00:10

Available in Left and Right Hand Drive.

01/10/12 20:06:30

I wish she wouldn't do that, now I've got to think clean thoughts before I can get out of the water.

10/12/11 20:38:14

So your husband's a policeman?

05/07/21 9:28:30

You always get someone who doesn't obey the sign. Dave was caught washing his Ass.

19/04/20 8:00:15

MILP

02/04/20 20:00:11

I thought it was 'Meryl I'd like to pluck'? --Lucky Elperro

The Cardiganologist says he's dead.

11/01/20 10:56:39

Squatters evicted from tree house.

15/12/19 20:24:40

He drives the prison bus, he is known to the inmates as the Flat Head Screw Driver.

18/04/19 23:57:31

Chicken Little

05/05/18 13:06:11

Why are you feeling down?
I miss Michelle.

07/10/17 9:09:22

Bloody Health and Safety Reggaelations!

07/05/17 9:22:13

The new Teenager range from What Ever.

04/10/16 20:32:22

Last seen Bob's Tavern wearing a gold top.

07/04/16 13:21:09

His heavy breathing alerted Customs, who found 2000 fags in his suitcase.

18/07/15 22:27:04

🎵 We're on the road to Norway 🎵

18/06/15 20:08:59

Darjeeling I'm home.

31/10/14 12:06:05

Reginald Peregrine faked his own suicide.

28/09/14 20:14:22

How do I avoid Red Eye?
Try to focus on Guys without arrows stuck in their heads.

02/07/14 21:00:35

Although he was getting on a bit, he wasn't round the bend yet.

03/05/14 20:34:07

Work on the Gastric By Pass is almost complete.

13/04/14 16:29:05

Paddy was found guilty of Money Laundering.

23/03/14 8:11:05

Clothing down sale.

23/01/14 18:31:23

Wilma!

26/11/13 9:10:19

I'm going to Toss myself off.

22/11/12 12:03:18

One Sunbed, Twenty Germans.

02/05/12 21:40:44

A bit more Base

14/03/12 11:03:42

Look Sky Walker

25/02/12 11:00:32

They had hoped to keep it a low Quay affair, but everyone came to Pier at what was going on.

05/09/14 8:38:53

Chris was in the lead until he got a puncture after riding over a pointy thing stuck up in the middle of Paris.

14/08/14 21:39:54

We ask the question, did Stone age Women have bigger Pussies?

19/07/14 12:54:58