Neil Mackenzie

When you catch the biggest fish you’ve ever caught, and the wife says she’s had bigger.

09/02/20 8:14:50

That's a pass. Says the Volkswagen Diesel Emission Test Engineer.

20/02/18 23:40:24

♫ Ground Control to Ginger Tom.♫

11/01/17 8:01:35

I prefer Rocket Manx. --Troompa Loompa

There had been a steady stream of customers all day.

28/09/16 15:09:33

nice --sandeep chahal

Roy was being stalked by an old flame.

07/01/14 10:12:31

Glow ball warning.

29/09/14 22:54:57

In Glasgow a ray of sunshine breaks through the dense cloud blanket, completely startling a local Glaswegian.

04/03/20 21:23:11

Next time the Elephants are making love you know not to startle them.

25/07/18 7:08:55

lol --sandeep chahal

You can’t shoot every man I’ve ever slept with.
Give me one reason why not.
You don’t have enough bullets.

16/08/20 19:20:00

Wait till her Father finds out she is seeing a Coloured Gentleman.

22/12/13 12:19:10

I've got a Thumper of an headache.

26/08/14 8:52:24

I'm going to have to build the kids a tree house.

11/05/14 19:12:14

We should have brought shorts.
Nah, beer 'll do.

10/07/13 19:19:01

Rod Hull demonstrates how to casually walk past an Emu, before catching it unaware and sticking his arm up it's arse.

creative x2

18/01/13 20:27:34

She always was full of herself.

05/07/12 19:00:56

It's that time of the month again.

18/04/12 19:00:54

Women

02/04/12 10:12:08

I’ve turned the house upside down and I still can’t find my car keys.

10/02/20 12:12:55

clever x2

Double Grazing.

03/10/18 6:15:06

Brilliant! --Funny Bean

Process food linked to depression.

26/02/18 8:11:19

"Uh oh, spaghetti woes!" --Greg Curtis

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

27/01/18 22:26:03

Romeo Beckham: For God's sake Mum I'm on the phone.

03/09/16 7:08:01

Is that why all my Kids are little shits?

29/10/15 8:06:41

Where’s the poop deck?

11/08/20 19:23:30

Farmer:- How many times have I told you not to chew your Pen.

03/10/13 8:43:41

It's time to put on Cassocks.
It's time to praise the light.
It's time to meet the Puppets on the Pulpit Show tonight.

28/08/13 19:40:03

Praying at the Mosque, Ali was lifted up by the power of Allah. Only to have his head repeatedly bashed into the floor for leaving his shoes and socks on.

05/01/14 15:17:29

If you want a Brick House I can do it for Sixty Thousand, if that's too expensive? I can get my brother to build a Wooden House for Forty Thousand. You want something cheaper; well my Youngest Brother will build you a Straw House for Twenty Thousand.

13/07/13 7:00:11

It said on the Seed packet that they grew to two Feet.

05/05/13 12:53:47

Bit leggy though. --John Glover

After the Accident Santa was charged with Drink Driving.
He'd only had 91.8 million sherries.

14/03/13 12:00:12

Barry couldn't start playing he was waiting for the Conductor.

05/03/13 13:51:09

Another small business has Folded.

06/10/12 19:09:10

How does he afford a car like that?
He must be peddling something

14/04/12 19:04:53

The Artist doesn’t charge for his work, but the Bull does.

18/04/20 8:30:47

Saviour legs and sit down.

22/02/20 8:13:48

Willie - 'Four' he’s a jolly good fellow --Stephen Bean

clever x2

Romancing the Stone.

19/11/19 19:24:22

It's a shame this was a late entry. Hopefully more people see it. --James Lennox

Day two of his diet and Dave had started to hallucinate.

26/06/19 15:36:22

He's watching BC 1.

22/04/18 7:00:57

It is so big there is a no fly zone around it.

19/09/16 7:08:08

It was the rutting season so he thought he'd spruce him self up a bit.

06/02/16 12:14:52

Paddy you don't need to do that.
But that's what the sign says.
You're not reading it properly, it says your dog, and it's not your dog it's Murphy's.

11/09/15 7:22:30

Brilliant :-) --Chris Beach

It’s been like this ever since the woman in the flat above got a new Dyson.

06/04/20 17:24:52

A memory phone mattress.

16/02/20 8:04:52

Could I see the dogu please.

08/01/20 20:01:48

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

10/10/19 7:06:12

He was cut out for this job.

06/06/19 7:14:44

His teeth are as false as his tears.

29/01/19 21:25:54

She gave me that come to bed look.

21/06/17 8:03:21

These Kangaroo bottle opener's weren't exactly jumping off the shelves.

28/05/17 19:44:56

Paddy started the venture after the failure of his sign writing business.

21/06/16 7:05:59

A record 45 seconds before that one kicked in... --Greg Curtis

They're just Mates.

16/03/16 8:09:28

Thieving Basket.

05/11/15 8:19:28

Rear Guard

13/07/15 7:03:37

Have you seen my nuts?
With all that fur there is no chance.

06/06/15 16:37:25

A narrow parking space, it's only six feet wide.

05/05/15 11:00:11

They were both arrested. One for getting his Organ out in Public and the other for Twiddling his Knob.

07/02/13 8:56:43

I can't think of a Punch line.

26/12/12 20:00:10

Available in Left and Right Hand Drive.

01/10/12 19:06:30

I wish she wouldn't do that, now I've got to think clean thoughts before I can get out of the water.

10/12/11 20:38:14

You always get someone who doesn’t obey the sign. Dave was caught washing his Ass.

19/04/20 7:00:15

MILP

02/04/20 19:00:11

I thought it was 'Meryl I'd like to pluck'? --Lucky Elperro

The Cardiganologist says he’s dead.

11/01/20 10:56:39

Squatters evicted from tree house.

15/12/19 20:24:40

He drives the prison bus, he is known to the inmates as the Flat Head Screw Driver.

18/04/19 22:57:31

Chicken Little

05/05/18 12:06:11

Why are you feeling down?
I miss Michelle.

07/10/17 8:09:22

Bloody Health and Safety Reggaelations!

07/05/17 8:22:13

The new Teenager range from What Ever.

04/10/16 19:32:22

Last seen Bob's Tavern wearing a gold top.

07/04/16 12:21:09

His heavy breathing alerted Customs, who found 2000 fags in his suitcase.

18/07/15 21:27:04

♫ We're on the road to Norway ♫

18/06/15 19:08:59

Darjeeling I'm home.

31/10/14 12:06:05

Reginald Peregrine faked his own suicide.

28/09/14 19:14:22

How do I avoid Red Eye?
Try to focus on Guys without arrows stuck in their heads.

02/07/14 20:00:35

Although he was getting on a bit, he wasn't round the bend yet.

03/05/14 19:34:07

Work on the Gastric By Pass is almost complete.

13/04/14 15:29:05

Paddy was found guilty of Money Laundering.

23/03/14 8:11:05

Clothing down sale.

23/01/14 18:31:23

Wilma!

26/11/13 9:10:19

I'm going to Toss myself off.

22/11/12 12:03:18

One Sunbed, Twenty Germans.

02/05/12 20:40:44

A bit more Base

14/03/12 11:03:42

Look Sky Walker

25/02/12 11:00:32

They had hoped to keep it a low Quay affair, but everyone came to Pier at what was going on.

05/09/14 7:38:53

Chris was in the lead until he got a puncture after riding over a pointy thing stuck up in the middle of Paris.

14/08/14 20:39:54

We ask the question, did Stone age Women have bigger Pussies?

19/07/14 11:54:58

Although he always attended the Super Heroes Awards. Every year he was over looked. Here is a rare photo of the Invisible Man, he's the one on the right.

18/07/14 12:10:17

We've all done it. Have you never bent down to pick a Copper up off the Pavement.

08/06/14 19:43:26

Ice say old boy.

23/05/14 7:29:35

♫ In the Gecko.♫

01/05/14 11:00:18

Poor Will, never got any head on his Wedding night.

01/02/14 13:14:51

There was a plague of Blue Bottles this year.

28/01/14 8:37:45

Bob slayed in sledging accident.

21/12/13 20:00:13

splayed? --Ian Skelding

Pan suffered from frozen pipes in this weather.

21/12/13 12:29:45

Santa was told his beard could blow up into his eyes by H&S. He tried Safety Glasses but they said he could still be temporarily blinded by his whiskers, so they had to go. Next they told him he wasn't visible enough at night so he had to have more reflective clothing. Going up and down chimney's he wasn't wearing sufficient knee and elbow protection. So thanks to H&S for 2013 Santa is now safe to go and frighten every kid in the world.

04/12/13 8:35:15

Uncut footage of this amazing feat.

03/11/13 12:17:06

Stand and fight you big chicken.

BMI Baby.

04/10/13 8:04:02

05/09/13 19:08:16

I wonder if I lie here all day, will I go Brown?

24/07/13 7:21:56

I've redesigned the Trike numerous times. I couldn't get the front to look right, but this is the final front here.

19/06/13 15:17:19

It's not over till the Fat Lady sinks.

18/06/13 9:20:11

An A? No! A O? No! An A? No! A O? No! The Teletubbies were useless at Hangman they only knew the letters A O.

22/05/13 7:15:48

Reincarnation

06/01/13 12:08:15

Mr Thompson wanted to take his half of the house with him after the Divorce.

03/11/12 20:03:07

Visitors before the sign was erected 0.
Visitors after sign was erected 0.

14/12/11 20:36:26

Oh bugger, I think I’ve soiled myself.

16/10/20 20:18:00

I don’t know who she is but I want to be her biggest fan.

06/05/20 7:00:10

I prefer the smaller version. --Woofer 6

I’m looking the other way and getting the fuck out of here.

01/04/20 11:00:18

Making like a shepherd and getting the flock out of here. --Willie Johnson

Genetically modified but Hitler’s grand daughter can still be picked out second from the left.

27/03/20 6:24:17

Everyone laughed when Dave said he identified as a Woman, but when it got him into the cheerleaders dressing room, none of his mates were laughing.

02/03/20 20:14:33

Multi-storey Carp Ark.

23/06/19 11:00:11

Just go with Multi-storey Carp Ark, it doesn't need the intro :) --Michael Winner

And to think of all the features my Dad could of give me, I ended up with his nose!

19/06/19 5:46:50

The Artist said his inspiration came from watching men waiting for their wife’s and girlfriends in women’s clothing stores.

02/02/19 20:37:40

When people ask why they call me Big Ben, I always show them my massive clock.

16/01/19 21:33:06

We will only release you if you give us what we want.
What do you want?
Shampoo and Conditioner.

20/08/18 20:06:21

I prefer Oxo cubes to ice because they have more sizes in stock.

18/11/17 20:31:42

They always had been a close knit couple.

27/10/17 19:54:21

Edam near ran me over.

29/09/17 7:00:08

Christmas in New Jersey.

27/08/17 10:49:01

The world championship toilet seat throwing completion was won for the tenth consecutive year by a Woman. Men just cannot get the hang of putting the seat down.

19/02/17 18:03:35

It was parked on the ring road.

28/09/16 19:09:48

Sesame street was brought to you today with the number 40 and double D's.

20/03/16 12:30:30

Cheddar gorge.

16/03/16 17:10:05

She is just like my Wife. When I fancy sex she pretends to be a sleeper.

03/03/16 14:00:19

lol x2

No one had shown Colleen how to empty her colostomy bag.

21/09/15 6:47:43

Can you put up a net curtain? I'm fed up of those Peeking Ducks.

22/08/15 6:23:27

Fred's Mother in-law was a back seat driver, so Fred put her out of earshot.

03/08/15 7:17:42

Distant relative --Leroy Brown

The drinks are on me.

02/08/15 19:00:09

Perhaps playing on the streets of Liverpool was a mistake. Barry only looked away for a second and his full Drum Kit was gone.

20/06/15 20:10:57

He can't have any off spring, he's been welded.

22/04/15 19:00:11

I've got an Apple computer, a Blackberry phone so whats with the big fuss over my Banana record player.

11/03/15 21:09:27

He had no problem getting a cross.

24/01/15 6:41:49

He is looking for the missing Linx.

17/01/15 1:09:10

Do you remember how good life was Teddy before my little Sister came along and ruined everything.

17/04/20 7:45:05

It’s worse than it looks. I had taped them to the ceiling and they fell off.

31/03/20 16:08:08

Rosemary from accounts can get two in her mouth at the same time.

01/03/20 11:32:31

Art! Means different things to different people. Artists are looking for someone who appreciates the finer things in life. Like the City council who will pay thousands of rate payers money. Men look at it and think it represents the moon crashing into the earth. Women look at it and think the earth is giving birth to the moon. Gypsy’s look at it and think will it fit in the back of the van?

23/05/19 9:40:40

My Wife's Mother is a Crafter, so I bought her do it yourself Handbag kit.

25/07/18 19:06:36

So we've conquered the Ford Galaxy, what do you want to do next?

26/04/18 6:27:46

White house Aid admits Tomahawk Missile fired at Ashed due to predictive text error.

18/04/18 11:11:52

Here's a picture of the Wife on holiday.
Is she the one in yellow or white?
No she's got a flowery top on.

12/04/18 7:10:41

Just the chuckle I needed this morning. Thank you. --Pussy Galore

If that Guy brings that Hippo to the Garage again, I'm refusing to do the emissions test.

16/11/17 20:27:16

Mirror, cygnet, manoeuvre.

13/07/17 18:28:38

You're so Vane you probably think this caption is about You.

09/01/17 12:02:38

PLEASE stop targeting me. --Greg Curtis

Cleaner to slide two, another brown stain a mile long.

24/05/16 11:18:47

CE "Conformité Européene" approved border control.

13/04/16 8:00:58

Highly topical. Facebooked. --Chris Beach

The Bantam of the Opera.

10/04/16 8:06:26

Megan bites.

05/03/16 20:00:09

yawn --[anon]

That is fast stitching. They started at 19:39 and finished by 19:45.

31/01/16 9:52:24

Piddler on the roof.

26/12/15 21:02:02

And the winner of the four thirty at Chester is Lady in Grey who gave a very comfortable ride, second was Floral Tribute who has had her knockers and despite carrying top weight finished second and third place went to Leopard Printess who could have won but fucked it up at the last.

28/10/15 12:00:10

Bournemouth Council versus Mr Smith.
Judge:- Mr Smith you are accused of walking your dog on a prohibited beach. Have you anything to say.
Mr Smith's Defence:- What evidence have you got to show my client was walking his dog?
Prosecution:- This Picture was taken by the Bailiff my lord.
Defence:- Your Honour the dog can clearly be seen levitating in this picture without a paw on the sand.
Judge:- By George you're right. Case dismissed.

12/10/15 10:22:55

Snore Detective.

15/09/15 7:15:49

I bought it on the web.

27/08/15 19:00:49

Chicken Job Seeker:- I'm sorry I'm late, I had trouble crossing the road.
Employer:- I'm sorry too, the egg has already got the job.

08/07/15 20:56:10

Sometimes People throw paper money which is fine, but sometimes the Bastards throw coins and it bloody hurts when you get hit on the head.

14/06/15 12:52:02

Start the engine then.
I can't, I've lost the quay.

08/06/15 5:53:49

Proof Michael Jackson has been reincarnated as an Elephant.

10/05/15 11:16:26

How sad! --Bad Boy Dennis.

Piste again.

13/01/15 13:38:05

His Wife tried every hat in the shop, before finally deciding on the first one she had tried on.

25/10/14 11:19:17

Repeat after me, I'm snot possessed.

24/10/14 11:53:26

Yang didn't notice his passengers attempting to syphon his petrol tank.

02/10/14 19:06:47

You know when you've submitted a caption and afterwards you find out that someone else has already submitted a caption that looks like your caption, and everyone thinks you've copied it even though you haven't. Don't make the mistake of wishing the ground would open up and swallow you.

28/06/14 7:05:56

Protesters are up in arms over this Slogan, the Posters were hastily withdrawn and the offending word removed. The new Slogan reads Merry Winter Festival Peasants.

10/04/14 11:22:56

High knee can.

25/03/14 20:15:53

Ron died of over exposure.

02/03/14 12:37:54

Dad I've caught crabs in the Toilet.

17/01/14 14:31:11

It was her final fling before settling down.

10/01/14 12:00:43

Exstream Sport.

08/01/14 8:00:14

He's got a piece of Pi stuck in between his teeth.

27/12/13 8:02:21

Strange he only remembered buying one bottle; now there was two, but he couldn't get hold of either of them.

26/12/13 8:20:15

Saint Knickerless.

30/09/13 19:28:38

Brothers up in arms.

29/08/13 11:09:43

I went out with a Librarian, once I picked her up I couldn't put her down.

28/07/13 19:00:19

The Tattoo took only five minutes, because the Tattooist was quick on the draw.

16/07/13 11:00:11

I know it looks like I'm losing, but I'm kicking the shit out of his Tonsils.

13/07/13 19:22:22

I bought it second hand.

07/07/13 8:24:24

All because the Lady loves Milk Spray.

05/07/13 11:00:44

After Dougal had the Cyst removed, it seemed a shame to waste it.

30/06/13 19:14:42

Eurgh! In a good way. --Michael Monkhouse

Americas number one and number two.

17/05/13 12:12:54

Vat is that Diving position called?
Don't tell him Pike!

14/03/13 8:20:26

He kept her at arms length, because she was descended from Convicts, and they'd already nicked his land.

02/03/13 22:17:21

She was only a Lumber Jacks Daughter, but I Fell for her.

15/01/13 9:06:43

He's a cross between a German Shepherd and a Springer Spaniel we call him a Jerry Springer.

07/09/12 19:20:59

Ladies and Gentlemen, Extinguished Guests please welcome...

09/08/12 10:48:25

Sesame street was brought to you today with the number 20 and the words minutes, late, again.

09/05/12 19:07:08

Hell's Belles

20/04/12 10:19:24

Being a Seaman he had to stick his Oar in

14/03/12 21:38:13

When you have to type up the Tory manifesto the smell of bullshit can be overpowering.

19/06/20 10:02:14

I would of won the race if I hadn’t stopped for the photo finish.

13/06/20 12:24:18

If 2020 was a bicycle.

12/06/20 8:07:19

So far it's not been a Goodyear. --Dave Bryan

That sign writers unbelievable, he must use rapid drying paint.

27/04/20 7:12:04

Maybe it took 5 painters to apply that warning. --Guideaux .

Following behind her after a long walk; I suddenly thought, I’m meant to be on B car park level 6,

18/03/20 16:20:44

Dave’s injury claim for multiple broken bones stated that he fell from the third step of the step ladder, that the ladder had been fully extended, and that he had someone to steady the ladder.

04/03/20 18:41:24

Only made with milk from gagged cows.

10/02/20 8:01:46

more captions

last comments (total: 397)

Patio Doors. A member of an Irish Folk Group?

John Glover

04/09/20
1:10pm

comment on caption:
I don’t know why he’s trying to get out of windows, I’d recommend patio doors. [Neil Mackenzie]

Der! I didn’t get it yesterday.

(caption author)

05/09/20
11:08am

comment on caption:
I don’t know why he’s trying to get out of windows, I’d recommend patio doors. [Neil Mackenzie]

I too am waiting for inspiration to strike.

06/09/20
12:16am

comment on caption:
I was trying to think of a caption but my mind’s gone plank. [Neil Mackenzie]

A turn for the worse?

29/09/20
8:37am

comment on caption:
Call the Doctor! I think he’s having a funny turn. [Neil Mackenzie]

You don't want to say that to his face or you'll be left on the floor.

10/10/20
9:37am

comment on caption:
With Tyson watch out for the white hand. [Neil Mackenzie]

Controversial

Al Overy

Friday
9:40am

comment on caption:
Two Scotsmen and Wayne Rooney struck up a conversation at the urinal.
What do you call yours?
I call my Willy, Johnson after he gave me my son John.
I call mine Mr Dome because of his big head. What do you call yours Wayne?
I call mine The Wolf, because he likes jumping in bed with Grandma. [Neil Mackenzie]

Fun fact: Johnson isn't my real last name. I am, in fact, the son of a man named John.

Friday
3:09pm

Apologies, Captioneer names only used to fit into the supposed joke. I also make lead balloons.

(caption author)

Friday
4:23pm

Is your middle name Richard? cheeky face I once knew a willy dick at school...true story

Ross Davidson

Friday
6:30pm

No apologies necessary caption author. It was funny and I voted for it. And no, Ross, my middle name is not Richard although that would be quite a name.