£50
WINNER

lol clever

18/06/19 20:00:13

clever

“I’m sorry for yawning but I find your company really boring”

12/06/19 12:25:47

clever

Filming has begun for the highly anticipated new period drama

05/06/19 8:10:30

clever

Goblet

24/04/19 12:51:55

lol

I met her on match.com

18/05/19 12:00:06

creative

Bucket and Spayed

28/06/19 20:13:37

lol

“Children that was such a lovely day out at the Lion safari, It’s such a shame daddy had to stay home and fix the leak in the garage roof”

25/01/19 8:01:36

"LET'S MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN"

21/12/18 12:47:04

"I'm a Lesbian, do you have Fanyta?"

06/04/19 20:04:01

clever

auf wiedersehen pet

30/01/19 20:42:33

Tom Tom

11/01/19 12:22:06

Tinder Surprise

03/07/19 20:00:06

Charlie and the Novichocolate Factory

20/06/19 8:00:07

Disorient Express

16/05/19 20:14:58

lol

"I can read the top five lines ok, then it starts to get fuzzy"

28/02/19 8:00:08

Now that's an Urdu

09/07/19 20:36:01

clever

Pride and Prejudice

03/07/19 9:23:20

"For god sake Darren, it's only a spider"

01/06/19 20:01:48

creative

"Dan, will you stop giving the baby Cocaine when he's trying to cook dinner, people will think we are bad parents"

01/04/19 12:13:25

“Does my bumper look big in these?”

15/01/19 12:00:11

Cornivore

15/01/19 8:34:27

"Andy, can you cut me a piece of wood about 2ft long"

12/01/19 12:13:04

"Don't you know who my dad is"

24/12/18 12:00:33

"We really need to get a new lid for the blender"

30/05/19 12:06:44

Just found this picture on Tumblr

08/02/19 12:00:06

♪ A stray in a manger

24/12/18 8:00:08

Homeless in Philadelphia

21/12/18 12:00:08

clever

Hellfords

Tue 12:00:09

Highway

12/07/19 12:09:01

"Please don't Trump when I Putin"

22/06/19 12:00:49

"HANG ON...You don't work here"

22/06/19 8:06:22

Hair to the Throne

04/05/19 20:21:06

"Dave, have you seen Tracy? Hold on a minute...is she under the desk?"

02/05/19 9:38:52

Carlos was well known for being calm and level headed during interviews.

18/04/19 20:00:06

world war 1 vet

18/03/19 8:00:10

"I told you we shouldn't have rented the room to a Hen party"

28/01/19 12:09:38

A Lunar Calypso

28/12/18 20:14:51

Toe and Arrow

11/07/19 8:00:07

You have to have some balls to dress like that.

03/07/19 20:04:12

“I’ll do anything to stop her from talking through Star Wars”

18/06/19 12:35:21

Bed and Breakfast

28/05/19 12:32:10

"Toupee, or not toupee, that is equestrian"

21/05/19 20:18:38

“I knew I should have bought an Epson printer, those bloody Canon’s are always exploding”

25/04/19 12:00:13

"You absolute BASTARD...It was only 1 flea"

05/04/19 11:26:42

Employing pensioners on a food production line is all well and good until one of them tells a joke.

03/04/19 12:28:58

"Ok, you two go after Skywalker and Solo, I'll help Vader on his allotment"

31/03/19 12:00:10

lol

"Pete, do you remember back in 2019 when we were teenagers, we used to sit on this bench with our beers trying to impress the girls"

"Haha yeah those were the days Frank...So what do you think is going to happen about Brexit?"

27/03/19 9:21:04

“You don’t want to cause trouble in there, have you seen the size of the bouncers?”

14/03/19 8:00:14

Baker Street

05/03/19 8:00:06

Great holiday! Next year, the Canary Islands

11/02/19 12:00:06

Universal Studios

21/01/19 8:06:30

The word on the street is...

20/01/19 20:00:07

Contradictdoory

14/01/19 8:00:09

High purr activity

28/12/18 8:00:34

Where's Willy?

17/12/18 20:00:12

Ok. Your first lesson is fingering techniques around the g string

13/12/18 12:00:06

She'd be no good on the catwalk

29/04/19 20:16:32

"Dave I'm having the worst day ever, I'm out of breath through being overweight, I'm pushing our 9 year old in a pushchair because he's a brat and too lazy to walk, and now to top it off, this Shithead Steve appeared in the corner and took a picture and now everyone's taking the piss"

26/03/19 20:18:24

clever

Aunt and Decks

24/03/19 8:08:49

Difffficult to caption one hANded

28/02/19 8:02:34

"I don't understand it guys. According to the map, the Cliff edge hotel should be right here"

05/02/19 8:16:54

After years of living in poverty and with no opportunities, Zoltan took the brave decision to leave behind his family and friends in search for a better life. Following a hazardous journey across the sea in a rubber dinghy, he eventually reached the UK mainland and found work. He hopes one day to return to the Isle of Wight

01/02/19 12:01:21

Fruit of the gloom

24/01/19 20:00:26

clever

Lapland

27/12/18 12:04:13

The Return of the Living Dead

Wed 10:25:59

Toys "R" U.S

Mon 12:00:10

creative

Sister Sledge

28/05/19 20:00:04

“I can’t believe that you’ve allowed that bitch to come between us on our wedding day”

01/05/19 12:00:17

"Listen, I've had just about enough of your back chat"

23/04/19 8:00:09

Funky Pigeon.com

29/03/19 12:00:08

That must have been one hell of a sh*g

12/02/19 12:15:12

The Knitivity

16/01/19 12:27:38

liquor store

27/12/18 12:00:12

Ok, here goes..."Darling, there are some birds and some bees and then someone takes your flower"
...Phew, thank God that's out of the way

02/07/19 8:35:35

"Hello Mrs Jones? I'm calling to confirm your new life insurance policy that your husband arranged for you yesterday"

18/05/19 8:32:49

"Sorry Sir...... you've failed the test"

14/01/19 20:00:09

The Lion, the Bitch and the Wardrobe

27/12/18 20:00:09

Womb Raider

26/12/18 12:03:54

"Ok, I admit it. When my wife said she was going through the change, I didn't expect the Menopause to be so dramatic"

03/07/19 20:33:20

Aw, they’re sweet at this age. It’s when they become teenagers that they start to go off the rails.

12/06/19 20:00:12

creative clever

“We call this model the ‘David Camera-on’. It’s the market leading ‘stuck up tw*t device' which sits comfortably whilst a bloody nightmare unfolds around it.”

05/06/19 11:07:01

“You’ve had a son, Pat”

29/05/19 12:00:04

New wave music

26/05/19 20:09:40

UKIP Headquarters

02/05/19 8:00:22

Uncle Albat

01/05/19 20:00:08

"So, how long have you been a boring piece of modern art?"
"Erm, it must be about 2 years now. You?"
"Yeah same"

27/04/19 8:28:56

Baywatch vows to carry on with a new series despite suffering severe budget cuts

26/04/19 8:02:23

“Now I know that some people don’t understand Modern Art but for us intellectual pretentious types we have a rare treat to show you today. I present ‘The lonely yellow balloon on a blue wall’ by a man with 16 white balloons. Questions?”

11/04/19 12:30:36

Seoul searching

07/04/19 9:55:09

lol

Oh come on Ladies. How are us real men ever going to compete with Ann Summers

06/04/19 13:02:11

lol

"Steve, are you ready to get down the local for the 'who has got a head most like an orange' night?"
"Two minutes babe, just having a shave"

19/03/19 8:30:06

"I'd love to be a fly on the wall... Second thoughts, maybe not with the SWAT team around"

24/01/19 9:09:37

I love riding my bike on the beech

23/01/19 12:00:06

Regret having the last supper

22/01/19 8:04:56

lol

I said to my wife "do you fancy a Kit Kat Chunkie"? She hasn't spoken to me since

24/12/18 20:01:17

Fruit & Nut

Mon 20:00:05

“I wish the Zoo would just tell the visitors that the Bears died last month, I’m f*cking boiling in this suit”

13/07/19 12:01:26

This is a pitcher of me at Cannes

06/07/19 8:00:09

"It has just been refurbished, they completely gutted it"

23/06/19 12:14:17

"...and that's how Lambrini is made"

20/06/19 8:00:16

Hot Rod

15/06/19 12:00:27

"When I said I fancied something poached for breakfast..."

11/06/19 8:00:14

The Exorcisters

06/06/19 12:04:55

"Wow, that has a bit of a kick to it, I was in the shooting range a minute ago"

01/06/19 20:20:25

“YOUR NUTS ARE NEVER COMING ANYWHERE NEAR ME AGAIN”

29/05/19 12:00:12

Water Raleigh

24/05/19 20:05:40

She'd be no good on Pointless.

22/05/19 10:17:32

Tetley Fleabags

17/05/19 12:00:16

Just wading for the bus…

27/04/19 12:00:05

Marie Antoilette

24/04/19 20:03:55

"I'm sorry, do you have any paracetamol? I was playing in an orchestra last night and it must have been loud as I have a killer headache"

18/04/19 20:00:32

It's such a shame to see talent go to waste

18/04/19 8:00:07

What a party. Debbie had eventually pulled Steve, Steve was doing god knows what with his hands whilst being fascinated by a ghost which had appeared in the room, and Dan had the rest of the party stumped with his latest round of Charades

15/04/19 9:55:26

“Forgive me father as I have sinned”
“Ok tell me more child”
“Well my name is Jude and firstly I’m not a child so don’t get too excited. It all started Yesterday with this girl, Eleanor Rigby, I met her on Penny Lane. I saw her standing there and I said to her ‘hey I wanna hold your hand’ and she said yes so, I told myself, hey Jude, she loves you. I was so happy as after all, all you need is love, and I love her. I bought her a ticket to ride the long and winding road to Strawberry Fields where I’d hoped we’d come together. Unfortunately, all my loving had gone to waste as she told me good night. I stood there like a fool on the hill and I shouted, ‘we can work it out’, get back. Unfortunately, it was a case of hello goodbye. She was crying and drunk and wanted to leave so I said listen, you can drive my car. I should have known better, but it was too late, it was the end”

09/04/19 21:25:09

Abbey Robe

09/04/19 20:00:05

"Don't worry Ivan, I know that they shrink with age but I can still see it my darling"

08/04/19 12:06:41

"What are you reading mate? Oh ok, my teacher at school used to try teach me sh*t like that. I ignored him and it didn't do me any harm"

"Good for you mate. Large Big Mac meal please"

14/03/19 20:01:09

Hello mate. Just a bit bored so I thought I'd send you a text. How's life in the countryside since the move? Enjoying your big house and land? Jammy bugger! Anyway London's not the same without you mate. Have to go now and water my window box. Take care.

09/03/19 9:14:20

John was faced with his first Bushtucker trial.

21/02/19 12:36:57

Pedigree Chums

09/02/19 8:21:35

creative

"Oh my god that stinks. It's actually making my eyes water...Couldn't you have used the downstairs toilet?"

02/02/19 8:44:00

Trying to make ends meet, Larry was juggling between two jobs as a fire fighter and playing drums for a local Jazz band. Most importantly though, his family was behind him.

28/01/19 10:12:35

lol

Why are Grandad's cholesterol tablets in my suitcase.......and where's my Ecstasy......

13/01/19 12:00:17

It's embarrassing trying to teach dyslexic boys the Jitterbug

14/07/19 12:58:34

This was the day I met Amos from the airport. We had spent 6 months chatting on Grindr before meeting face to face. I was so excited I wore my 'Homo sex leads to hell of a nice time' T-shirt.

03/07/19 8:01:18

Boarder Control

06/06/19 8:08:29

There's always one arsehole on the motorway.

04/06/19 8:03:50

Knob Jockeys

02/06/19 12:00:09

I can think of better cock pulling exercises.

31/05/19 16:32:10

"Dave, don't forget you have an appointment at the hairdressers at twenty to one"

21/05/19 20:36:21

"My wife told me to lose some weight or she's leaving me"

21/05/19 12:08:34

Findus Keepers

01/05/19 10:23:14

After spending the day campaigning for the removal of German shepherds from the UK, Nigel Farage's dog enjoys well deserved pint.

29/04/19 9:29:12

lol

"Don't worry guys, we're friendly bears, although I'd watch the light brown one, he seems to like your beard and he hasn't had a good sh*g for months"

28/04/19 21:02:20

“We are not moving out of the way until you tell us where we can find that cheeky cow, Goldilocks”

28/04/19 20:00:10

“Oh Frosty, I love you so much that I’m melting”

“Aw thanks dear, while you’re down there…”

26/04/19 20:00:50

The RSPCA has launched a full investigation after discovering a horse had sustained two massive pricks on its back.

10/04/19 20:54:33

… of Prince Philip when he fancies a burger

05/04/19 14:23:01

"Hello"
"Hello Kev? It's Chris Tarrant here on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, we have Tom here stuck on £16000 on an electrical question"

02/04/19 20:00:30

Pizza Hut - 90% off your second pizza

30/03/19 10:14:07

Circus visitor levels break records as Piers Morgan announces that he's taken up sword swallowing...

26/03/19 9:20:24

"Isn't it a bit extreme ladies? Why dont you just ask who's leaving the toilet seat up?"

24/03/19 20:26:44

The Great Trawl of China

12/03/19 14:19:23

"Calgary Fire Department, where's your emergency?"
"Emergency? I'm just calling to order a new log burner"

10/03/19 12:00:39

Notepad

08/03/19 20:00:10

Julie was very much looking forward to sitting on her first 12 inch

10/02/19 12:07:23

"No. You go for the coffee… I've only got one leg"

31/01/19 8:05:25

Colgator

29/01/19 20:00:05

Plant. Insect aside

25/01/19 12:00:07

Monica and Chandelier

21/01/19 20:00:18

Tomatoes

14/01/19 12:16:58

Harley and me

13/01/19 20:14:30

"The Doctor told me to closely watch what I ate"

13/01/19 10:07:34

The Cardanal

12/01/19 20:01:21

Thorough dead

31/12/18 8:27:38

Net Profit

28/12/18 12:00:18

clever

The fire started on Pudding Lane

23/12/18 20:00:10

He's always entering talent contests and to be honest tends to Winalot

17/12/18 8:49:34

When I said I wanted a jumper for Christmas

16/12/18 13:01:44

They looked at me like I was stupid at check in. "Look at that woman taking an inflatable man mat as hand luggage, how ridiculous", they said. Well, that was before the wing fell off.

14/07/19 20:10:32

"A lorry carrying marijuana has overturned on the M25 and has burst into flames sending toxic smoke into the atmosphere. Police say Londoners are acting like anxious stressed out zombies, and therefore don't seem to be affected."

12/07/19 13:35:50

War and Peace

12/07/19 8:00:07

Facebuck

07/07/19 20:00:04

The right to bare arse

27/06/19 20:01:30

Painting by numbers

25/06/19 8:00:15

Burny Inn

20/06/19 20:00:06

This one is going on Inssssssstagram

17/06/19 20:00:07

“That’s not a real Angel, she’s Jum Ping”

17/06/19 12:00:43

"Hey, that's an ice t-shirt"

16/06/19 20:00:12

Party Balloons

05/06/19 12:00:05

"I know it looks extreme but I heard Donald Trump was in town, I'm not taking any chances"

04/06/19 20:30:46

Right, time to bring out the big guns

01/06/19 20:00:12

I'm not falling for that again. The last person who said to me "Try me, see back of box", ended up pregnant.

19/05/19 12:39:28

Waterloo

16/05/19 8:13:03

Whatever the circumstances, a woman never bloody listens.

08/05/19 12:53:26

“Quack quack”
“Quack? Quack quack?”
“Quack”

03/05/19 8:00:35

Take the mickey out of the beard as much as you like, but Vicki Vale loved it, she said it tickled her thighs.

01/05/19 21:19:43

The Kardashians's worst nightmare

30/04/19 8:45:05

"Hello driver, taxi for Swan? Great thank you. He would have called and booked it himself but he's a mute"

25/04/19 20:00:15

This is a picture of me dressed as a rabbit on a motorbike. That's all folks

19/04/19 13:01:21

"Bloody hell love, it's only 8 in the morning, it's a bit early for that isn't it?"
Said the alcoholic to the woman using her head as a desk so she could write a caption.

12/04/19 20:00:23

I just bought a Beatles album through Papal

09/04/19 20:10:59

Greggory Pecks

08/04/19 20:00:08

"Ok babe I get it....you don't like giving blowjobs"

31/03/19 20:14:15

"And the stage is set for the annual 'Watch your work colleague have an impressive dump' competition. First up the favourite, Karen from accounts. She always delivers a solid performance"

24/03/19 20:55:43

I'm not a big fan of chain restaurants

24/03/19 12:00:10

Having a lemonade fountain installed in the barracks was a rare treat for the soldiers, although some found it a bit gassy.

03/03/19 10:20:14

“Great seats, I’m glad we didn’t pay extra for the box”

01/03/19 12:00:10

Bowl movement

01/03/19 8:00:06

Weatherspoons

27/02/19 20:00:14

The Rivers Return

27/02/19 20:00:05

Tramputee

19/02/19 13:34:21

"Grab the car keys Dave. We'll go for a spin"

16/02/19 9:00:45

lol

I don’t like the look of it, but I’ve got no choice. The Taxi I had yesterday is off the road with knackered suspension and two rear punctures…

“Ok mate, yes I’ll take it…. Can you give me a hand with a couple of bags”?

05/02/19 12:06:01

You’d be miserable too if you had to hang around with an arsehole all day

30/01/19 12:00:44

"Alfred. I think the Riddler's anagram has something to do with Catwoman.....A bad felines lion puts out"

29/01/19 8:37:20

"I avoid the arcade these days..... It's where all the bums hang out"

28/01/19 20:00:17

Donald is such a sh*t stirrer

25/12/18 20:02:59

The fats and the furious

25/12/18 12:00:38

Invasion of the body satchels

23/12/18 12:00:21