"Maybe I shouldn't have kept the chickens in the same shed as the uranium."

16/08/23 12:07:06

Whaddya mean, you fancied me more in the rubber suit?

12/12/19 12:00:08

creative

For Christmas, we really want somebody to fix the leak in the ceiling.

18/12/23 8:10:03

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the garden...

10/04/20 8:03:53

"Bethlehem? It's a long way, guv - I'll need to charge you the return fare."

01/01/24 8:01:26

Dave was forever taking his cock out in public.

16/08/23 12:05:47, edited: 16/08/23 13:05:33

"They did warn me that if I kept putting my head out of the car window, my face would get stuck like this."

12/02/21 8:04:06

A long time ago, in a supermarket far far away...

06/05/20 20:02:23

lol

"Yes, he's my pet millipede, Martin. He goes everywhere with me."

04/03/21 12:00:10

The cat that got the scream

08/09/20 12:00:05

lol

Yes, officer, the one who attacked me is number six in the lineup.

17/05/20 8:04:43

clever

Well, hello Dali

26/01/20 12:03:53

Dave decided to dispose of his car after getting an astonishing number of parking tickets in one day.

16/04/24 8:29:38

Armchair.

20/02/23 12:00:12

"OK, just put it in first gear and take the handbrake off, and we'll give you a push."

25/05/21 12:00:07

First class male.

15/01/20 12:00:54

lol creative clever

As it turned out, there was some opposition to "Boris for PM".

24/05/19 21:01:08

Duck-filled fatty puss.

20/02/19 8:05:12

creative

"It's roundish, about *this* size, probably no longer smiling..."

09/12/18 8:05:47

"Maybe we shouldn't have read the will yet, but it was just too tempting."

10/08/21 12:00:10

"Go on, send Boris another text - he falls for it every time!"

25/04/21 9:09:34

Linda, when did you last clean these windows?

17/07/20 12:06:20

lol x2

"At last, at last! I have my very own dead alpaca!"

15/12/23 8:00:40

"No, I don't breast-feed him, actually. Why do you ask?"

16/09/23 12:02:50

"They have some really nice bathrooms here at Heathrow."

02/06/22 8:19:28

"Could you close your window shutter, please, Mr Hitchcock?"

01/05/21 8:00:12

"Clean your gutters, ladies?"

23/03/21 8:01:04

"I just know I dropped my Fitbit somewhere around here."

03/11/20 12:00:46

clever

Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.

03/12/18 8:00:05

"I'm glad to have my Winter Fuel Payment all these years - it really keeps me warm."

09/11/23 12:04:37

"Wow! The best transport we've dredged up before now was an old bicycle."

16/12/21 8:00:32

"Listen to me, Alec, just put the gun down..."

02/11/21 8:00:08

Make love not war.

12/03/21 12:00:07

"Somebody's got to keep the place tidy, and they furloughed my keeper."

08/11/20 8:04:05

I really want to join the Faith Tones!

13/03/20 8:07:48

"No, I can't tell you why Death has such a bright halo."

02/06/19 22:02:16

creative

"I know I said I wanted a sturdier pair of nutcrackers, but..."

11/12/18 8:02:29

"For the last time - all three of us have got headaches."

01/12/18 8:01:46

Nobody mentioned the mouse in the room.

05/06/22 8:13:57

"You've been a naughty, naughty, naughty jet!"

20/04/22 12:00:15

"Joan, come here - I think I've got worms!"

05/05/21 8:00:28

clever

"And I'll keep on hitting until you get your hand off my tit!"

06/09/20 12:04:43

Ohio officials seek vandal who dumped sign in countryside.

14/06/19 12:18:12

Two-timer

04/01/19 8:00:18

Joe was annoyed that all the cheese and pineapple had already been eaten.

19/12/18 20:31:39

Kevin identified as a starfish.

31/12/23 8:00:43

"Well, I guess that now we know the answer to the old question."

31/08/23 8:00:53

The route from the pub to the car park.

21/07/22 8:10:21

He was absolutely determined to go out to the pub.

09/05/22 8:02:08

"He's on his high horse again."

23/03/21 8:00:07

Trouble is, there aren't enough women on match.com

05/09/20 20:00:17

What jackass forgot his uniform?

11/08/20 8:04:19

"I wish that picture didn't keep falling off the wall."

02/07/20 8:02:09

The two missing ones said "Drink" and "Sex".

20/06/20 12:01:01

Star Wars fans aren't always good at spelling.

16/05/20 12:06:52

Hegghog

05/05/20 8:29:54

You can stick that up your arse.

27/03/20 8:05:31

After the Lion ate the Scarecrow, only the Tin Man was left to cultivate opium poppies for Dorothy.

05/08/19 12:00:08

The UK economy, 1st November 2019

02/08/19 12:01:10

"OK, I'll fend off the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast from Traal with your umbrella, while you Instagram it."

27/05/19 8:35:07

But I asked for a six-foot bed!

22/12/18 12:00:29

Rotary Club, Ladies Section

18/11/18 20:00:10

How to distract Security from your shoplifting.

10/06/23 8:07:04

"I wish I could find a faster-drying deodorant."

25/04/22 12:07:21

Spot the dummy.

31/12/21 12:12:33

"Guess who?"

06/09/21 12:00:14

"Good thing you didn't break down next to the zebras - they don't know anything about cars."

25/05/21 12:15:49

creative

A man's car breaks down on a country road. He opens opens his bonnet and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it. Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Check the alternator."

He looks round for who spoke, and leaning over a gate is a small brown horse, who says again "Check the alternator". Bewildered, he looks at what he thinks the alternator might be, and sure enough there is a loose connection. He tightens it, jumps in his car, starts the engine and races off towards the local village, both scared and confused at the appearance of a talking horse.

He goes straight to the first bar he sees. "I need a Scotch!" he say, and knocks it straight back. "Hang on," says the barman, "Why are you so shaken?" So the man tells him the tale of breaking down and the small brown horse telling him what was wrong.

The barman looks at him seriously."You were so lucky it wasn't the grey horse, mate."

"Why, whats wrong with the grey horse?"

"He knows nothing about cars."

17/05/21 12:00:36

"Listen to me, Specsavers - if I knew where my glasses were, I wouldn't need an urgent appointment!"

16/02/21 8:09:35

"I think I'd prefer the blue dwarf, thank you."

26/10/20 8:27:29

"Think I'm made of money?"

12/10/20 20:00:26

My mum wanted a washing line across the street to the window opposite.

07/02/20 12:02:33

creative

Two heads, three arms - yep, it's Zaphod Beeblebrox's problem daughter.

10/01/20 20:00:07

lol

Wow, I've always found firemen so sexy - you're not busy, are you?

26/01/19 20:00:11

Oh, stop hogging the sofa!

01/09/18 8:00:25

"Tracey, I think it's about time you emptied the kitchen bins."

19/06/22 8:06:27

"Faster, now - the squirrels did it far better than that!"

26/03/22 12:00:34

It helps to have a tape worm.

17/12/21 12:00:58

"Get away from here, all you girls! He's mine, I tell you!"

22/11/21 12:02:54

"Well, kid, where did you think little teddy bears came from?"

18/09/21 8:01:02

In his full-time job, he was a policeman.

15/05/21 8:00:07

"Doctor, he's still not walking, and I cannot figure out why."

10/04/21 12:00:08

lol

"This is your captain, Sully Sullenberger, speaking. We are now approaching the Hudson River..."

15/11/20 8:03:13

"Janet, are you seeing someone?"
"No."

16/09/20 8:03:08

Ghostbustiers

29/08/20 8:00:12

Bad hare day.

26/06/20 6:23:09

The baby? I put it in the out tray, of course.

13/01/20 12:01:09

"Of course she'll bounce. You just be ready to catch her when she comes back up."

12/06/19 22:07:20

"These are my Valentine's Day trousers - they say I love you from the heart of my bottom."

03/02/19 20:00:05

It's taking a while for my horse to adapt to life in Australia.

31/12/18 8:00:26

No, you can *not* drive the car. Period.

02/12/18 20:00:24

You can't go up in the world without education.

02/11/18 20:00:11

It's nearly lunchtime at the Daily Mail newsdesk.

07/10/18 12:00:06

He's a good mathematician, but a bad speller

27/09/18 12:19:02

"Yes dear, yes dear. You do realise that I can't hear a word you are saying? It's wonderful!"

21/01/24 8:12:20

How much is that moggy in the window?

15/02/23 8:00:10, edited: 15/02/23 8:35:33

Great balls of fire!

16/12/22 8:00:27

Gran-nam style.

24/09/22 8:00:29