Whaddya mean, you fancied me more in the rubber suit?

12/12/19 12:00:08

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the garden...

10/04/20 8:03:53

A long time ago, in a supermarket far far away...

06/05/20 20:02:23

lol

Yes, officer, the one who attacked me is number six in the lineup.

17/05/20 8:04:43

clever

Well, hello Dali

26/01/20 12:03:53

First class male.

15/01/20 12:00:54

lol creative clever

As it turned out, there was some opposition to "Boris for PM".

24/05/19 21:01:08

Duck-filled fatty puss.

20/02/19 8:05:12

creative

"It's roundish, about *this* size, probably no longer smiling..."

09/12/18 8:05:47

Linda, when did you last clean these windows?

17/07/20 12:06:20

clever

Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.

03/12/18 8:00:05

I really want to join the Faith Tones!

13/03/20 8:07:48

"No, I can't tell you why Death has such a bright halo."

02/06/19 22:02:16

creative

"I know I said I wanted a sturdier pair of nutcrackers, but..."

11/12/18 8:02:29

"For the last time - all three of us have got headaches."

01/12/18 8:01:46

Ohio officials seek vandal who dumped sign in countryside.

14/06/19 12:18:12

Two-timer

04/01/19 8:00:18

Joe was annoyed that all the cheese and pineapple had already been eaten.

19/12/18 20:31:39

"I wish that picture didn't keep falling off the wall."

02/07/20 8:02:09

The two missing ones said "Drink" and "Sex".

20/06/20 12:01:01

Star Wars fans aren't always good at spelling.

16/05/20 12:06:52

Hegghog

05/05/20 8:29:54

You can stick that up your arse.

27/03/20 8:05:31

After the Lion ate the Scarecrow, only the Tin Man was left to cultivate opium poppies for Dorothy.

05/08/19 12:00:08

The UK economy, 1st November 2019

02/08/19 12:01:10

"OK, I'll fend off the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast from Traal with your umbrella, while you Instagram it."

27/05/19 8:35:07

But I asked for a six-foot bed!

22/12/18 12:00:29

Rotary Club, Ladies Section

18/11/18 20:00:10

My mum wanted a washing line across the street to the window opposite.

07/02/20 12:02:33

creative

Two heads, three arms - yep, it's Zaphod Beeblebrox's problem daughter.

10/01/20 20:00:07

lol

Wow, I've always found firemen so sexy - you're not busy, are you?

26/01/19 20:00:11

Oh, stop hogging the sofa!

01/09/18 8:00:25

Bad hare day.

26/06/20 6:23:09

The baby? I put it in the out tray, of course.

13/01/20 12:01:09

"Of course she'll bounce. You just be ready to catch her when she comes back up."

12/06/19 22:07:20

"These are my Valentine's Day trousers - they say I love you from the heart of my bottom."

03/02/19 20:00:05

It's taking a while for my horse to adapt to life in Australia.

31/12/18 8:00:26

No, you can *not* drive the car. Period.

02/12/18 20:00:24

You can't go up in the world without education.

02/11/18 20:00:11

It's nearly lunchtime at the Daily Mail newsdesk.

07/10/18 12:00:06

He's a good mathematician, but a bad speller

27/09/18 12:19:02

♫ Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair?♫

Sun 12:00:20

Racing restarts at Newmarket with full PPE.

21/06/20 8:03:03

I have this awful premonition that if I don't do this job right, I'll be toast.

13/04/20 12:00:38

lol

Can you hold it right there? One of the family moved.

01/04/20 8:03:35

Severely incontinent man ahead.

08/03/20 12:02:18

Eating all that blue grass hasn't done him much good.

23/02/20 8:01:30

"It's no good, Elliott, I can't make us fly."

27/08/19 12:00:17

"Cough, please"

19/08/19 8:00:21

A sight for four eyes.

12/08/19 20:00:10

OK, I admit it - the father was a coconut. Doctor, will I ever walk again?"

29/05/19 12:01:23

The water in both tubs has completely evaporated while waiting months for caption.me to use this photo.

13/03/19 20:13:56

"Stop, Frederick, the soldiers are coming!"
"Well, OK, just the Minute Waltz, then."

07/02/19 8:06:12

Someone's had a pooh in this suit.

01/01/19 8:02:16

The Golden Globe awards were low-budget this year.

22/12/18 20:00:06

Security precautions at the Texas School Book Depository when Trump does Dallas.

21/12/18 20:00:09

Tracey was not really very good at playing air guitar.

13/12/18 8:00:13

Told him not to smoke Marlboro Gold.

11/12/18 20:00:11

"Diet Pepsi, please".

03/11/18 8:00:06

I'm so glad I came!

16/09/18 20:00:17

He'd always wanted to try his hand at darts.

04/08/20 12:00:06

Although Boris is supposed to be self-isolating, he still likes to maintain his iconic hairdo.

28/03/20 20:00:19

My head is splitting.

29/11/19 8:08:24

Candidates are gearing up for next year's Presidential election.

21/11/19 12:00:08

OK, who's been feeding the elephants again?

13/11/19 12:20:12

That guillotine really needs to be sharpened.

31/10/19 8:02:52

lol

Her sister's even friendlier - she goes around with a mattress fastened to her back.

18/10/19 8:00:12

Good morning, Mr Weinstein.

18/09/19 9:12:15

"So I said to him - no, no, listen, this is really funny! - I said - this was in reply to that thing he said - so I took a deep breath and I said..."

"P*ss off."

02/09/19 8:00:57

We've tried and tried, but we can't get both our wheelchairs in there.

16/08/19 8:04:55

No, don't pull the baby behind you - do what other mothers do, and push it ahead of you into the traffic.

13/08/19 8:43:11

Bloody pavement cyclists, I've had a belly full of them.

05/07/19 8:00:43

All six Flat Earth Societies were partly right.

23/02/19 8:02:51

But you still cannot see Death approaching...

09/01/19 20:00:52

"After the divorce, my other half got the car engine and the plough."

29/12/18 8:03:47

"After that party last night, I feel as if all the stuffing has been knocked out of me."

12/12/18 20:00:07

I hate the way all this Christmas stuff starts to appear even before Bonfire Night.

07/10/18 8:00:09

Excuse me, could you take your hat off? We can't see.

Mon 8:16:58

Ethel, I know you're a slow reader, but your hair is done and it's time you went home.

31/07/20 8:04:46

Yeah, but we're two metres apart, innit

16/07/20 12:00:41

For people who are used to peeing in telephone kiosks.

27/06/20 12:00:08

I wanna be two metres away. I wanna be two metres away. I wanna...

01/06/20 20:00:06

clever

We used to have to get up at twelve o'clock at night and lick the road clean with our tongues, we had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

17/05/20 12:00:13

Has anybody seen our gasmasks and feather dusters?

06/05/20 12:00:22

Now, if we could just find some way to stop him farting...

30/04/20 8:03:32

"Kenneth Konica? Never heard of you. Just get out of my way!"

10/01/20 8:06:18

It's amazing the extent to which daily exercise can ease the effects of congenital dislocation of the hips.

07/01/20 8:09:15

"Makes you feel kinda small, doesn't it?

02/01/20 12:01:13

It's almost as big a whopper as the ones Boris tells.

15/12/19 12:49:28

Hung out to dry.

19/11/19 12:00:07

My mummy warned me about ladies like you, Mrs Robinson.

03/11/19 8:02:21

"That was glorious, you sexy bitch"

24/10/19 12:00:26

"This is much more fun than shitting in the woods!"

06/10/19 20:00:08

In hindsight, it hadn't been a good idea to build ski jumps in Florida.

19/07/19 12:01:01

I can't lego of my head!

14/06/19 20:00:08

OK, I ate the kid's arm. So?

19/05/19 12:01:57

"No use to me, I'm going to flog it."

31/12/18 8:00:06

"This is go-faster juice, innit?"

09/12/18 20:00:29

"Mister, are you a dinosaur?"
"Well, some people would say so."

23/11/18 12:26:55

The world Simon championships were held lately.

28/10/18 8:28:28

Ooh, I feel better for that.

02/09/18 8:01:28

All I need now is an "I've visited Barnard Castle" sticker.

Fri 8:29:10

How to train your dragon to cook sausages.

17/06/20 20:09:58

Can I pee against that pipe from here?

17/06/20 12:00:40

Where's the nearest beauty spot?

01/06/20 12:02:42

"It's OK, Dominic, nobody will recognise you this time."

01/06/20 9:29:26

After hearing Boris say that pubs might open in July, they started forming an orderly queue.

12/05/20 9:10:06

The Isle of Wight is in the other direction.

17/04/20 12:00:17

Spike? Is that you?

07/04/20 12:00:05

Just a tiddler, throw her back.

13/02/20 20:00:09

I ent going near that.

29/12/19 12:03:30

I guess they're OK, but I'd rather have my left leg back.

25/12/19 12:02:01

O great leader, we worship you!

22/12/19 8:02:24

Reports are coming in of further suspicious discoveries in Salisbury.

10/12/19 8:08:27

This is how I will feel in precisely 21 days' time.

04/12/19 20:00:18

Now, there's your problem right there, ma'am. You haven't got your feet on the pedals, so of course it won't go.

02/12/19 8:06:47

Southern Region is not the most reliable railway for committing suicide.

30/11/19 12:34:46

I do like herbie food.

16/11/19 8:02:03

She's my little bit of fluff.

13/10/19 8:03:47

Ms Remains-of-the-World 2069

18/09/19 12:08:57

Ku Klux Klan, Thames branch

25/08/19 8:02:10

Boris Johnson's new cabinet

(Nod to 12:00:15 with similar thoughts)

25/07/19 12:00:39

You can't possibly want to eat my finger when you've already eaten my other leg!

17/06/19 12:00:29

"Clark, honey? Can you just fly down and rescue me from all these ugly people?"

09/06/19 8:39:50

Radiation from the television had already destroyed his neck, hands and feet, but now he blocked it with his iPad.

10/04/19 12:00:05

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz scowled.

04/04/19 12:00:07

"That's the last time I carry my toddler on my shoulders."

03/04/19 20:00:21

Michael Molpurgo's latest: War Kitten

18/03/19 8:04:53

At the Monday morning team meetings, it was easy to tell that Clive was the only teetotaller.

16/03/19 8:00:22

Earphones for the deaf.

08/03/19 20:03:57

"Yes, it's the only way we can get 4G around here."

02/03/19 20:02:47

"I wish I'd brought one of the wife's scatter cushions to hold on my lap."

01/03/19 12:02:53

When your profile said you had an 18-inch waist, I expected the rest of you to be in proportion

21/02/19 12:00:38

He was disappointed. He had hoped for a fried egg that looked like Jesus.

17/02/19 20:00:54

"I can't believe nobody remembered the hang-gliders."

05/02/19 8:02:42

Reminder to self...

17/01/19 20:00:43

"I'm not sitting too close to her, just look at the warning notice."

08/01/19 12:00:04

How I feel after Christmas

30/12/18 12:00:36

I don't think much of this smokers' area.

14/12/18 8:05:53

The Swiss never quite got the hang of the yard of ale competition.

11/10/18 8:00:24

24/09/18 8:01:00

My feet are killing me

03/09/18 8:00:46

"If men can pee behind a plant-pot, so can I."

02/08/20 13:07:31

I don't know where they all come from. You start off with just two little bunnies...

02/08/20 8:13:13

"OK, we admit it - the mammoth meat is not fresh, it's deep-frozen."

16/07/20 8:41:58

"Please go to Morrisons and buy me a wholemeal loaf and two litres of milk."

15/07/20 20:05:14

"They make me do the shopping on the way home from school."
"Well, they make me carry my baby brother around like a papoose."
"Where is he, then?"

08/07/20 22:06:09

The dog was easy. Tinting the shadows was a bit harder.

05/07/20 8:05:17

I'm going to be a vegan, Mummy.

22/04/20 12:00:09

I come from a household which is short on loo paper.

22/04/20 8:12:46

Do not pee into the wind.

17/04/20 12:00:41

Please let me out, Mr Schrödinger - I'm half-dead in here!

12/04/20 8:03:18

Remember, two metres apart at all times...

09/04/20 8:04:11

clever

Gibbons just love to sneak up on bananas

02/04/20 8:10:11

Waaaah! I got my towel wet!

27/03/20 12:00:27

"I'm sure I know you from somewhere."

26/02/20 8:03:37

So you burned the turkey, the potatoes, the pigs in blankets - but the Brussels sprouts are perfectly cooked?

19/02/20 20:00:08

I think the hidden numbers are 42.

14/01/20 12:00:17

clever

I keep telling her to shave her armpits.

06/01/20 8:06:03

No, that's fine, there's no big black tattoo on her bum.

03/01/20 20:01:57

Why does there have to be a Christmas tree even in my bathroom?

24/12/19 8:35:28

Jeremy Corbyn finds a new role.

17/12/19 20:00:42

You will notice that he is not "by popular request".

14/12/19 20:01:29

I knew we shouldn't have offered to paint the Empire State Building, Olly - another fine mess you've got us into!

07/12/19 20:01:24

I always said Ella was a nut.

03/12/19 12:01:49

"I know Greta Thunberg would say it's harming the atmosphere, but it does mean I can go on school strike."

02/12/19 20:00:21

Terrified after having sprouted fungus on her bosom, Pennywise on her right elbow and Chewbacca on her right wrist, Mandy tried to bribe her way into the safety of the spaceship.

01/12/19 8:02:33

Army budget cutbacks are really hitting hard.

26/11/19 20:00:40

While Rover has opted for Labour over the Greens, Rex is going to vote Tory rather than LibDem.

14/11/19 8:03:20

How to deal with an attack bunny.

11/11/19 8:13:35

Vote for me to show you don't want any Gulliver captions.

09/11/19 8:07:02

Nobody coming to see us, nobody captioning us - I hate being in this museum.

18/10/19 12:00:56

I'd have got through if it hadn't been for that pesky radio aerial.

26/09/19 8:00:14

Stupid creatures - they really believe I'm a statuette.

16/09/19 13:00:06

You can always tell a Freemason.

11/09/19 20:00:08

FX: The quick brown cow jumps over the lazy dogs.

18/08/19 20:00:04

The Inter-species Amputee Association annual outing.

19/07/19 8:00:18

Miss Havisham enjoys a rare day out at the zoo.

15/07/19 8:00:14

I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. So long as you feed me, that is.

12/06/19 8:04:25

"Follow the road through the blue barriers. You have reached your destination."

06/06/19 8:03:02

The magician was actually trying to disappear the can of Coke.

16/04/19 8:03:16

I don't think much of Tesco's cheese.

14/04/19 12:00:27

"I already phoned you once, Mummy - now GET ME SOME CHIPS!"

26/03/19 20:06:13

"Oi, you, Aquaman! Keep your hands to yourself!"

21/03/19 8:03:49

An ice job if you can get it.

07/03/19 12:10:10

After the Korean War ended, Corporal Klinger had to find a new job.

27/02/19 12:01:46

Lucien Freud's breakfast

17/02/19 13:04:30

Don't tell him about the, like, typo.

16/02/19 8:02:26

If one more boy sits down, he'll break the record.

10/02/19 12:00:14

"See you? See that camera of yours? See this putty knife? You'll be feeling it in a minute if you don't get out of here."

01/02/19 12:01:35

"Don't you think you should do something about those varicose veins?"

31/01/19 8:01:31

You're supposed to be advertising Hofmeister, not Harp!

30/01/19 8:00:10

Ethel, do you think this chicken house is rather too hot?

28/01/19 12:00:24

I'm really into this programme.

22/01/19 20:00:07

Theresa May gives permission for a food bank to be opened on Ben Nevis.

25/12/18 8:03:51

Foot of the bed

22/12/18 12:00:07

It's a nurse shark - it looks after the baby when we're getting hammered at the beach bar.

15/12/18 12:01:07

On Saturday night, he lost his head and got legless.

09/12/18 8:08:43

Barbie looked out of this world, but Ken hadn't got a thing to wear.

28/11/18 20:00:06

They'll never spot that I'm a dog in this disguise.

28/11/18 12:00:09