creative

"It's roundish, about *this* size, probably no longer smiling..."

09/12/18 8:05:47

clever

Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.

03/12/18 8:00:05

creative

"I know I said I wanted a sturdier pair of nutcrackers, but..."

11/12/18 8:02:29

"For the last time - all three of us have got headaches."

01/12/18 8:01:46

Two-timer

04/01/19 8:00:18

Joe was annoyed that all the cheese and pineapple had already been eaten.

19/12/18 20:31:39

But I asked for a six-foot bed!

22/12/18 12:00:29

Rotary Club, Ladies Section

18/11/18 20:00:10

lol

Wow, I've always found firemen so sexy - you're not busy, are you?

26/01/19 20:00:11

Oh, stop hogging the sofa!

01/09/18 7:00:25

"These are my Valentine's Day trousers - they say I love you from the heart of my bottom."

03/02/19 20:00:05

It's taking a while for my horse to adapt to life in Australia.

31/12/18 8:00:26

No, you can *not* drive the car. Period.

02/12/18 20:00:24

You can't go up in the world without education.

02/11/18 20:00:11

It's nearly lunchtime at the Daily Mail newsdesk.

07/10/18 11:00:06

He's a good mathematician, but a bad speller

27/09/18 11:19:02

"Stop, Frederick, the soldiers are coming!"
"Well, OK, just the Minute Waltz, then."

07/02/19 8:06:12

Someone's had a pooh in this suit.

01/01/19 8:02:16

The Golden Globe awards were low-budget this year.

22/12/18 20:00:06

Security precautions at the Texas School Book Depository when Trump does Dallas.

21/12/18 20:00:09

Tracey was not really very good at playing air guitar.

13/12/18 8:00:13

Told him not to smoke Marlboro Gold.

11/12/18 20:00:11

"Diet Pepsi, please".

03/11/18 8:00:06

I'm so glad I came!

16/09/18 19:00:17

But you still cannot see Death approaching...

09/01/19 20:00:52

"After the divorce, my other half got the car engine and the plough."

29/12/18 8:03:47

"After that party last night, I feel as if all the stuffing has been knocked out of me."

12/12/18 20:00:07

I hate the way all this Christmas stuff starts to appear even before Bonfire Night.

07/10/18 7:00:09

"No use to me, I'm going to flog it."

31/12/18 8:00:06

"This is go-faster juice, innit?"

09/12/18 20:00:29

"Mister, are you a dinosaur?"
"Well, some people would say so."

23/11/18 12:26:55

The world Simon championships were held lately.

28/10/18 8:28:28

Ooh, I feel better for that.

02/09/18 7:01:28

"I can't believe nobody remembered the hang-gliders."

05/02/19 8:02:42

Reminder to self...

17/01/19 20:00:43

"I'm not sitting too close to her, just look at the warning notice."

08/01/19 12:00:04

How I feel after Christmas

30/12/18 12:00:36

I don't think much of this smokers' area.

14/12/18 8:05:53

The Swiss never quite got the hang of the yard of ale competition.

11/10/18 7:00:24

24/09/18 7:01:00

My feet are killing me

03/09/18 7:00:46

If one more boy sits down, he'll break the record.

10/02/19 12:00:14

"See you? See that camera of yours? See this putty knife? You'll be feeling it in a minute if you don't get out of here."

01/02/19 12:01:35

"Don't you think you should do something about those varicose veins?"

31/01/19 8:01:31

You're supposed to be advertising Hofmeister, not Harp!

30/01/19 8:00:10

Ethel, do you think this chicken house is rather too hot?

28/01/19 12:00:24

I'm really into this programme.

22/01/19 20:00:07

Theresa May gives permission for a food bank to be opened on Ben Nevis.

25/12/18 8:03:51

Foot of the bed

22/12/18 12:00:07

It's a nurse shark - it looks after the baby when we're getting hammered at the beach bar.

15/12/18 12:01:07