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Dave Bryan

signed up: 3 years, 3 months ago
profile viewed: 82 time(s) this week
caption quota: 63
caption votes given since joining: 5,424
comment quota: 28
comment votes given since joining: 389
super vote quota: 14

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captions

lol

creative x2

clever

''Hello, Derbyshire police, it's Tom here. I've just seen a couple walking their dog.''

31/03/20 8:04:05

''Let me come with you, Johnny. Don't leave me here alone. I won't be a nuisance. Please, I'm begging you. Listen to me, I'll die if you go.''

''For Christ's sake, Martha, I'm only putting the bins out.''

16/08/20 20:49:00

lol

''How are you going to cure me?''

''Just Like That!''

26/02/20 12:03:06

I had a teacher who used to set his alarm for 3am so he could get up and have a ciggy... --James Lennox

''Don't worry, his Bach is worse than his bite.''

17/12/18 8:00:36

£50
WINNER

''If you buy ten packs, we'll throw in the towel.''

08/11/18 20:16:31

Many thanks for the kind comments. Looking at the quality of the previous winners, I'm delighted to now be one of them.The dosh will also come in useful. Next time my wife says ''Are you wasting your time doing those stupid captions again... --Dave Bryan

''I can't see Newcastle avoiding relegation, Gary. They're just too exposed at the back.''

26/03/21 8:33:21

lol

''This is a station announcement for all those passengers wishing to commit suicide: The train due to be arriving on platform 1 will now be arriving on Platform 2.''

27/05/20 21:12:30

Looks like there'll be no departures today. --Karyn Harrison

''I'm absolutely worn out, prowling round Essex all night trying to find a virgin.''

01/05/20 12:13:13

Early gurning centre

14/08/19 8:02:06

clever x2

Sadly, Daisy is still trying to find a byre for her paintings.

19/02/21 12:13:20

lol

New 'Ice Age' movie ruined by product placement say critics.

16/07/20 8:33:51

lol

clever

''He didn't suffer. He fried in his sleep.''

30/06/20 20:00:38

lol

clever

''I look down on him because I am a Waitrose pumpkin.''

''I look up to him because he is a Waitrose pumpkin but I look down on him because he is an Aldi pumpkin. I am a Tesco pumpkin.''

''I know my place.''

18/11/19 9:06:02

Very clever! --Karyn Harrison

Gay pride

19/08/19 8:00:09

lol

''Don't mention the War-burtons.''

08/10/18 21:26:05

Took me a while .... but a vote worthy fun caption. --John Glover

The buck stops here

14/06/18 12:00:17

creative

''Am I OK here, Vincent?''

''Actually, I've changed my mind. I think the painting will be better without you in it.''

15/09/20 8:15:47

lol x2

clever

Shortly after this photo was taken, the penguin on the left was eaten by a seal. Please take this into account when you are posting your captions.

02/07/20 12:43:32

2 days in and it looks like the £50 prize is already buggered for the month. Great caption. --James Lennox

''Can I have some mice in it?''

22/08/19 8:00:24

clever

The museum decided to hang the main exhibit slightly left of centaur.

24/02/19 8:05:35

14/01/19 12:00:40

Where's Wally: Level 1

21/09/18 12:02:11

Jane decides to leave her Tokyo accommodation.

24/07/18 8:23:17

clever

''I should keep two metres away from her. She may be a carrier pigeon.''

17/01/21 9:05:07

''Shit! It's frozen.''

02/10/20 8:12:13

BREAKING NEWS: Shergar found at Chester Zoo. He had me fooled claims zebra keeper.

17/08/20 20:23:38

lol

creative

♪ Don't Stand So Close To Me ♪

06/07/20 8:34:47

clever x3

''This isn't fair. We agreed to start the battle this afternoon.''

''Too bad, Ethelred.''

05/04/20 9:05:50

lol

Pen pusher

24/07/19 8:00:10

The pen is mightier than the sheared. :^) --Crunchy Chords

clever

''I can't understand why you worry so much about pandemics. We're always the first to get the vaccine.''

06/04/21 12:32:19

"Your votes are still climbing" - like monkeys. --Willie Johnson

She works in the intensive scare unit.

31/03/21 8:37:42

creative

''Hurry up. The tooth is killing me.''

16/03/21 8:01:15

Only at 2:30. --Molly R

creative

BREAKING NEWS: Daisy's second lunar mission ends in failure.
(But the little dog still has a good laugh)

16/02/21 20:02:51

A moo launch? --Glyn Evans

Meals On Wheels

14/12/20 8:00:12

''I'm very confident of future growth.''

26/09/20 12:21:39

lol

BREAKING NEWS: Kangaroo leap frog champion suffers setback in first round.

24/08/20 12:08:19

Reese with her spoon

18/12/19 8:27:59

''You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.''

''Get some glasses.''

30/10/19 8:16:23

She may be Maiden America but the flag was probably maiden China.

28/07/19 12:14:04

lol

IAAF ban South African women's relay team.

03/05/19 20:03:33

Primer donnas

06/09/18 12:13:13

''Since taking anabollic steroids, I've had a new Lisa life.''

22/08/18 20:46:45

She is obviously not in favour of PC.

Sun 8:00:09

clever

''Where are you?''

''Outside the Black Boy Hotel, Sarge.''

''Don't try and be funny, Constable. Just call it the police station.''

05/04/21 12:17:11

I almost want to give you a supervote for this one, but it's too close to a painful truth (which isn't funny). --Willie Johnson

''I only bought the jumper three months ago and it's already too small for him. Kids grow up so quick these days.''

31/03/21 20:24:28

lol

''Who are those f-cking wierdos?''

''They're captioneers, Fester.''

15/01/21 20:23:27

Some of their captions are festering... --Mauris Iocus

Mr Potato Dead

13/10/20 20:00:26

''I told you to move the car before they started painting the white lines.''

25/09/20 12:00:09

''Goldilocks was found guilty of breaking and entering and was sent to a young offenders' institution.''

''That was a wonderful story. I love a happy ending.''

13/09/20 8:18:06

It was so sad. He dumped her just before the wedding.

30/07/20 12:00:22

26/06/20 8:07:41

14/05/20 20:14:34

You Play With Matches You Get Burned. --Woofer 6

lol

I don't mind the fan dancing but I think it's a bit tasteless to bring that dead dog on stage.

06/05/20 8:49:11

clever

One of Van Gogh's earlier paintings before he began to suffer from depression.

03/05/20 12:02:41

''And, if you waste any more time on that f-cking caption site, I'll splatter your brains all over the wall.''

17/04/20 21:06:48

''Whereabouts in the UK do you live?''

''How do you know I'm from the UK?''

11/04/20 12:27:39

I think he's from the Isle of White. --Karyn Harrison

Birdwatching For Beginners

28/03/20 8:42:18

That bird is not a beginner. He's been around the block a few times. --Willie Johnson

lol

''Give me the frog any day.''

26/02/20 8:32:41

''Lemmy out!''

04/01/20 12:00:24

Wait, I thought he was "Killed by Death". --Willie Johnson

clever

Coney Island

22/12/19 8:02:28

''Should we go and vote?''

''No, the captions are crap.''

12/12/19 12:05:21

''What shall we do with the other suspect, Sarge?''

''Grill him.''

04/12/19 8:01:58

British police are hoping to have him extradited across the pond.

29/11/19 12:10:17

North Pole dancer

03/11/19 8:05:37

Cedar's Digest

24/08/19 8:10:16

creative

''I hope the motel is very successful.'' - Well wisher.

12/08/19 8:21:00

''You've done watt?''

02/04/19 23:08:28

Southpaw

02/08/18 8:00:12

Someone at Sainsbury's has shown a lack of concentration.

06/03/21 8:00:09

''How much do the council pay you for doing this job?''

''What council?''

14/02/21 8:26:00

Feline Dion

21/01/21 12:01:21

Still sounds like Pussy Riot. --Mauris Iocus

''Did you find the needle?''

''No.''

08/11/20 8:22:17

"No, I'll needle little more time." --Willie Johnson

''Say something, darling.''

''I can't, it's a silent movie.''

25/09/20 8:10:59

clever

''Don't forget, two centimetres.''

21/09/20 20:25:47

''Just hand over the bananas and nobody will get hurt.''

16/09/20 12:15:32

''I'm the monkey who sees no evil. I went blind years ago.''

15/08/20 8:07:28

As he was late for an appointment, Jaques decided to have his starter and dessert together.

12/08/20 20:08:05

''Are you responsible for that crack?''

''Honestly, dad, it's not my fault.''

11/07/20 12:13:46

Neighbours

30/05/20 8:00:13

lol

''After three days of suffering in excruciating agony, the cat eventually died.''

''That was wonderful. I love a happy ending.''

22/05/20 8:37:20

Captain Tom harassed by groupies.

06/05/20 12:09:52

''That was my Wednesday lunchtime caption. Now the caption I did in the evening got even more votes........''

06/03/20 8:02:44

''It's the only way I can stop him from self harming. He keeps bashing his head against the windows.''

24/02/20 8:08:10

She's always reluctant to leave her comfort zone.

15/02/20 12:00:53

I love his handlebar moustache.

13/02/20 12:02:52

lol

''Do I look like I want to go for a f-cking walk?''

12/02/20 8:02:48

lol

''Why does he have to throw the stick so bloody far?''

23/09/19 8:22:49

Critics not impressed with trailer for new Pokemon movie.

17/06/19 8:06:51

clever

On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

05/06/19 8:38:50

''That's another one. Write it down in our book. How are we doing?''

''So far we've spotted 23 old bastards with binoculars.''

11/05/19 12:14:58

''Could you repeat that? I've got a head like a sieve.''

23/04/19 12:00:49

Funny 😂 --Karen Oakenfull

lol

''Just shoo it away, darling.''

25/03/19 12:13:42

lol

''Bye, dad.''

''Bison.''

25/03/19 12:00:39

Forlawn mower

09/03/19 8:00:11

He's been using factor 50/50 again.

20/08/18 8:47:30

''It looks like his winning streak is about to come to an end.''

29/04/21 8:35:59

lol

''I've got to go now. It's time for the midday caption.''

09/03/21 12:18:56

He really doesn't know whether he's coming or going. --Willie Johnson

clever

''Go to work on an egg.''

30/11/20 12:02:10

''I'm so grateful you managed to unblock the sink.''

09/11/20 20:15:27

lol

''Don't come running to me, if you fall off.''

04/10/20 20:35:59

''Darling, when I said you could do with an extra few inches......''

22/09/20 8:25:40

clever

''It's stopped raining, darling. Let's get out of here.''

24/08/20 21:35:28

News has reached the fishermen that the schools will soon be back.

25/05/20 8:34:45

''We had to take him off transplants. He kept eating the liver.''

30/04/20 9:09:19

That's offal! --Vivvy En

''How do you feel since you've been on the Frontline?''

''Great. It's got rid of all my fleas.''

30/04/20 8:28:49

''Dostoyevsky always cracks me up.''

23/04/20 20:06:18

Tom Baker

13/04/20 20:21:27

''If I were you, I wouldn't keep shouting 'Heel'.''

21/03/20 8:02:07

Frozen pees

23/12/19 8:00:15

''Please remember not to leave stormtroopers in cars during the hot weather.''

19/12/19 12:24:57

At least leave a window slightly open and have some water available. And turn off the child safety lock, we all know he won't be able to shoot the windows out in an emergency. --Willie Johnson

''Shall I tell the driver you've fixed it?''

''This is Southern Rail, mate. I am the f--king driver.''

07/12/19 12:16:40

A bad case of nappy rasher

23/11/19 20:00:47

clever x2

''It was an amicable divorce. We shared everything.''

16/11/19 12:12:00

Did he give her the boot? --Mr Dome

creative

''....and sold tomorrow.''

31/08/19 8:08:18

Guaranteed to make your breath smell fowl.

28/08/19 12:16:40

Another cabinet reshuffle

23/06/19 20:02:12

Attractive girls always have buoys hanging round them.

13/06/19 8:00:33

The film is even scarier than the trailer.

28/04/19 12:00:19

''Do you comb here often?''

07/03/19 20:05:48

😂 Haven’t got any supervotes this week but wanted to tell you that after seeing this pic for time, I think your caption is really funny 😁 --Karen Oakenfull

''The drinks are on me.''

01/01/19 12:13:00

I reckon this caption would be even better without the first half. --Molly R

Goldfish

28/12/18 12:00:56

lol

''Sod the Milk Tray. Get me back to the surface.''

14/12/18 12:35:23

''Oops, I've dropped the baby down the toilet.''

15/11/18 12:03:43

"I baptize you Floaty McFloatface." --Karyn Harrison

clever

A recent survey suggests that 3 out of 10 people have difficulty opening Windows.

12/08/18 8:08:57

As he walked through the back streets of Marseille, Pierre began to notice some pain underneath his right arm.

17/06/18 12:02:18

Pantyhose

19/02/18 8:02:57

lol

''Are you going to be long, mate? I'm desperate for a hiss.''

Wed 8:00:36

Passing out parade

29/04/21 12:00:09

''Whatever people say, we’ll never quit the habit.''

27/04/21 12:00:10

Ok, habit your way. --Willie Johnson

''What are those men doing, sergeant?''

''They didn't feel well, sir, so I put them on light duties.''

16/03/21 12:03:55

Sadly, their drunken father was later thrown out of the Tate Modern for making an exhibition of himself.

11/03/21 12:21:28

Apparently Tracey Emin's bed was too inviting. --Karyn Harrison

''Say cheese.''

04/02/21 8:01:01

''He married her because she was good in the sack.''

24/01/21 20:14:22

Sorry I missed you. Next time I'll hit you with it.

05/01/21 8:00:38

I hit everything else though - the house, the car, the walkway, the porch, the mailbox.... --Willie Johnson

''I haven't seen my family for weeks.''

''Because of the restrictions?''

''No, I just f-cking hate them.''

24/09/20 20:10:30

''It's not just the very narrow fairway that makes the fifth hole so challenging for golfers.''

21/09/20 12:30:42

It's also the extremely large gophers. --Willie Johnson

''Mr Hefner, you've forgotten your 'T'.''

31/08/20 20:01:19

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
who sat down beside her.
That's the third one she's eaten today.

22/08/20 8:40:01

''Ha! Ha! The Queen is wearing that ridiculous hat again.''

10/08/20 8:18:32

''What kind of fish are you?''

''Don't tell him, Pike.''

14/05/20 8:04:31

If you do...WE're ALL DOOMED. --Woofer 6

Dave couldn't understand why he only ever caught flat fish.

13/05/20 8:24:39

He goes fishing for the halibut. --Willie Johnson

lol

''Cut! Sly, can you try and look a bit more animated in the next shoot?''

21/04/20 8:15:53

''Have you you been tested?''

''Yes, they say I'm f-cking crazy.''

03/04/20 8:05:13

clever

Grounded!

31/03/20 12:40:41

A reasonable punishment. --Scrijjy Doo

Friendly fire

14/02/20 20:05:07

''If you want some action, fellas, just give me a ring.''

07/01/20 8:02:50

''Sarge, we've got the right Donald.''

''OK, let the Duck go.''

30/11/19 9:07:50

NO KITE FLYING

07/11/19 12:02:05

clever

The Sty At Night

19/10/19 8:00:15

''Why am I under arrest?''

''You're wearing a loud shirt in a quiet neighbourhood.''

10/09/19 12:05:35

''No, darling, I said you needed to put a coat on.''

31/07/19 12:41:45

lol

''Isn't that typical? You go for a coffee and when you get back some c*nt is sitting in your seat.''

29/07/19 20:04:15

lol

Shoppers run for cover as plague of moths hits city centre.

26/07/19 12:08:10

Inkling

23/07/19 8:04:57

''She's wanted dead or alive. There's a price on her head.''

07/07/19 20:28:38

The Nan In The Iron Mask

26/04/19 13:26:21

''Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!''
''What's that noise?''
''It sounds like The Speaker.''

08/04/19 8:21:40

clever

''They always come to Sainsbury's with me. They collect the nectar points.''

04/04/19 8:04:40

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

05/12/18 20:00:28

Shia delight

14/10/18 12:10:13

''Darling, when I said she wanted a Magnum.....''

25/09/18 20:47:49

Men Behaving Sadly

15/08/18 12:01:10

''Apparently, the company isn't doing very well. They've had to call in the receivers.''

19/06/18 13:36:14

''I never know how to start a conversation when I'm dancing.''

''Try saying, 'Do you come here often'. That's a good way to break the ice.''

25/04/21 12:46:58

Steering committee

06/03/21 12:08:12

She has a reputation as a home wrecker.

26/02/21 8:15:29

clever

''Her Izal follow you all round the room.''

22/02/21 12:10:10

clever

''The key is available from reception on the second floor.''

01/02/21 12:13:22

"Of course, Sir, you may sign for the key... Oh! I notice you haven't had your pass validated. You'll have to go down three levels below the parking garage to see Jenny in Client Relations. She'll be busy this time of day, but if you hurry, yo... --Mauris Iocus

lol

''I'm turning back, Bob. F-ck the Grand Old Duke Of York.''

14/01/21 12:28:40

WARNING: Crocodiles are advised to beware of oncoming wheelchairs.

14/12/20 8:08:36

''I wish he wouldn't throw the stick so bloody far.''

09/11/20 8:36:12

''I've got some good news for you, Mrs Jones. Your mother's heart operation was successful.''

01/10/20 12:10:49

Some of the entries are outstanding in their field.

20/09/20 12:00:50

''Can I have a cuddle?''

''No, you still stink after using that portaloo.''

13/09/20 8:35:51

Many hands make light work.

05/09/20 20:12:36

And mini hands make light work. --Willie Johnson

lol

''I've changed my mind. I think I'll spend a few more days in the nest.''

02/09/20 12:02:22

BREAKING NEWS: Government urges toddlers to stop working from home and return to day nurseries.

02/09/20 8:02:22

''I just can't fancy these German women.''

14/08/20 8:08:23

''Are they the white cliffs of Dover?''

''They will be soon.''

11/08/20 20:11:02

''What does it say?''

''I've run out of soy sauce.''

15/07/20 20:02:33

Thugs Bunny

15/07/20 8:00:14

''Julian and George sat down to eat their ice creams....''

''Skip that. Move on to the bit where Timmy finds the buried treasure.''

22/05/20 8:14:57

''Darling, can you fetch me another roll?''

''Sorry, I don't know the safe combination.''

21/04/20 20:46:15

''Take that you French bastard. You ate my kids.''

20/04/20 13:28:55

But sheep are allowed to have a quick dip.

19/04/20 8:09:58

''Hand over the cash or we'll take off the masks.''

16/04/20 8:24:31

''What kind of soup are you making?''

11/03/20 8:22:59

''Open fire?''

''I prefer gas.''

04/12/19 8:19:11

Robber duck

29/11/19 12:36:55

''Did you have the vegan option for lunch?''

''Yes, he was delicious.''

20/07/19 12:16:56

Alcoholics Anonymous

06/07/19 8:31:39

Flushing Meadows

24/06/19 12:02:15

''Nan, do you have a sound system?''

''Yes, I take cod liver oil capsules everyday.''

24/03/19 8:32:50

Darth Spader

23/03/19 8:19:19

Land Phil

16/03/19 13:42:10

''We need to take Rex to the vets.''

19/02/19 8:01:15

clever

''We find that most visitors come to see George Best's liver.''

03/02/19 8:53:11

lol

''I've just come back from the doctors. I keep getting a ringing noise in my ear.''

01/02/19 12:05:08

Hound of the Maskervilles

20/01/19 12:01:17

Rebel Without A Claus

22/12/18 8:01:14

more captions

last comments (total: 665)

His only running, is away from Europe.

[anon]

23/04/21
10:54am

comment on caption:
''If I'm elected I will transform the NHS, put more bobbies on the beat and cut taxes for everyone.''

''Jesus Christ, not another speech bubble.'' [Dave Bryan]

When entering politics, I found that Jesus soon got put in his place as "the greatest Tory ever told".

Glyn Evans

23/04/21
4:03pm

comment on caption:
''If I'm elected I will transform the NHS, put more bobbies on the beat and cut taxes for everyone.''

''Jesus Christ, not another speech bubble.'' [Dave Bryan]

Have you changed the word order since I voted? I think it might work better if you changed the last bit to "It led me on officer" and got rid of the 'but'.