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Dave Bryan

	This Week			Last Week			All Time
	Added	Score	Rank	Added	Score	Rank	Added	Score	Rank
Captions	9	17	#7	37	94	#3	8945	19899	#9
Comments	3	3	#5	3	3	#5	833	868	#8
Forum Posts	3						13

caption quota: 67
caption votes given since joining: 7,997
comment quota: 18
comment votes given since joining: 630

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captions comments received

captions

''Hello, Derbyshire police, it's Tom here. I've just seen a couple walking their dog.''

31/03/20 8:04:05

Stoned baked pizza

08/08/21 20:20:57

''What have you got to say for yourself?''

''Meow.''

15/10/21 12:09:02

Your cat clearly helped you with this one Dave! --Chris Keegan

''I wish he wouldn't throw the stick so far.''

03/12/21 20:25:23

Let seeking dogs fly --Glad You Remember

''Darling, we need to re-seed the lawn. That bear patch looks terrible.''

20/05/21 8:01:33

''Let me come with you, Johnny. Don't leave me here alone. I won't be a nuisance. Please, I'm begging you. Listen to me, I'll die if you go.''

''For Christ's sake, Martha, I'm only putting the bins out.''

16/08/20 20:49:00

''How are you going to cure me?''

''Just Like That!''

26/02/20 12:03:06

I had a teacher who used to set his alarm for 3am so he could get up and have a ciggy... --James Lennox

''Don't worry, his Bach is worse than his bite.''

17/12/18 8:00:36

''If you buy ten packs, we'll throw in the towel.''

08/11/18 20:16:31

Many thanks for the kind comments. Looking at the quality of the previous winners, I'm delighted to now be one of them.The dosh will also come in useful. Next time my wife says ''Are you wasting your time doing those stupid captions again... --Dave Bryan

''I can't see Newcastle avoiding relegation, Gary. They're just too exposed at the back.''

26/03/21 8:33:21

''This is a station announcement for all those passengers wishing to commit suicide: The train due to be arriving on platform 1 will now be arriving on Platform 2.''

27/05/20 21:12:30

Looks like there'll be no departures today. --Karyn Harrison

''I'm absolutely worn out, prowling round Essex all night trying to find a virgin.''

01/05/20 12:13:13

Early gurning centre

14/08/19 8:02:06

''Why can't we go any faster, dad?''

''There's probably a woman ahead holding up the traffic.''

03/01/22 8:21:01

''On reflection, thirty quid does seem a bit cheap for a luxury spa weekend.''

18/11/21 8:02:43

''She's going to need plastic surgery.''

17/05/21 20:00:15

Sadly, Daisy is still trying to find a byre for her paintings.

19/02/21 12:13:20

New 'Ice Age' movie ruined by product placement say critics.

16/07/20 8:33:51

''He didn't suffer. He fried in his sleep.''

30/06/20 20:00:38

''I look down on him because I am a Waitrose pumpkin.''

''I look up to him because he is a Waitrose pumpkin but I look down on him because he is an Aldi pumpkin. I am a Tesco pumpkin.''

''I know my place.''

18/11/19 9:06:02

Very clever! --Karyn Harrison

19/08/19 8:00:09

''Don't mention the War-burtons.''

08/10/18 21:26:05

Took me a while .... but a vote worthy fun caption. --John Glover

The buck stops here

14/06/18 12:00:17

''Mummy, why doesn't this tit work?''

''Because he's a lazy bastard.''

17/11/21 20:01:03

''Good afternoon. I'd like to talk to you about Cod.''

13/06/21 12:13:25

Holy mackerel! --Willie Johnson

''Am I OK here, Vincent?''

''Actually, I've changed my mind. I think the painting will be better without you in it.''

15/09/20 8:15:47

Shortly after this photo was taken, the penguin on the left was eaten by a seal. Please take this into account when you are posting your captions.

02/07/20 12:43:32

2 days in and it looks like the Â£50 prize is already buggered for the month. Great caption. --James Lennox

''Can I have some mice in it?''

22/08/19 8:00:24

The museum decided to hang the main exhibit slightly left of centaur.

24/02/19 8:05:35

That's no mere cat.

14/01/19 12:00:40

Where's Wally: Level 1

21/09/18 12:02:11

Jane decides to leave her Tokyo accommodation.

24/07/18 8:23:17

After a lifetime of hard work he's urned it.

16/11/21 8:01:24

A prize to die for

16/11/21 8:00:13

🎵 Ground control to minor Tom 🎵

12/08/21 12:06:47

''There's something wrong with the clutch.''

26/05/21 20:09:48

Looks more like the eggshaust. --John Glover

''I should keep two metres away from her. She may be a carrier pigeon.''

17/01/21 9:05:07

''Shit! It's frozen.''

02/10/20 8:12:13

BREAKING NEWS: Shergar found at Chester Zoo. He had me fooled claims zebra keeper.

17/08/20 20:23:38

🎵 Don't Stand So Close To Me 🎵

06/07/20 8:34:47

''This isn't fair. We agreed to start the battle this afternoon.''

''Too bad, Ethelred.''

05/04/20 9:05:50

24/07/19 8:00:10

The pen is mightier than the sheared. :^) --Crunchy Chords

''This kind of behaviour in public doesn't bother me. I just turn a blind eye to it.''

04/05/22 20:11:54

''There used to be nine members of staff until I let one go.''

15/11/21 20:01:57

''Oh no! There's a leek in his nappy.''

10/09/21 20:07:48

"Did you take a leek, or are you just happy to see me?" --Willie Johnson

''How did Polly get out of her cage?''

''She used the escape key.''

09/06/21 12:24:46

But she ended back where she started when she hit return. --Willie Johnson

''I can't understand why you worry so much about pandemics. We're always the first to get the vaccine.''

06/04/21 12:32:19

"Your votes are still climbing" - like monkeys. --Willie Johnson

She works in the intensive scare unit.

31/03/21 8:37:42

''Hurry up. The tooth is killing me.''

16/03/21 8:01:15

Only at 2:30. --Molly R

BREAKING NEWS: Daisy's second lunar mission ends in failure.
(But the little dog still has a good laugh)

16/02/21 20:02:51

A moo launch? --Glyn Evans

Meals On Wheels

14/12/20 8:00:12

''I'm very confident of future growth.''

26/09/20 12:21:39

BREAKING NEWS: Kangaroo leap frog champion suffers setback in first round.

24/08/20 12:08:19

Reese with her spoon

18/12/19 8:27:59

''You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.''

''Get some glasses.''

30/10/19 8:16:23

She may be Maiden America but the flag was probably maiden China.

28/07/19 12:14:04

IAAF ban South African women's relay team.

03/05/19 20:03:33

06/09/18 12:13:13

''Since taking anabollic steroids, I've had a new Lisa life.''

22/08/18 20:46:45

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

''It's twelve o’clock, luv. Can you keep yourself going for a few minutes while I go and post a caption?''

14/05/22 12:00:55

Been there, done that. --James Lennox

''Are prostate problems wrecking your confidence when urinating? Do your mates call you The Dribbler? If so, try attaching our new superjet nozzle and you too can pee like a twenty-year-old again. Walk down memory lane and piss over the five-barred gate at the end of it. Send for the superjet nozzle now and get free delivery: Only £299.00 while stocks last. This offer is not available in any shop.''

18/04/22 8:30:22

🎵 It's my party and I'll lie if I want to 🎵

09/12/21 8:51:27

Everyone knows that Allegra has goneShe duly wept for her crimeWhy were they holding a bashWith cheese and presents and wine? --Glad You Remember

''We had to abandon the race. When the greyhounds saw him they wouldn't come out of the traps.''

29/05/21 8:03:15

Simple fix: put him behind the greyhounds. --Willie Johnson

''E = mc2. I've cracked it!''

21/05/21 20:00:09

''I'm booking you.......for the Inspector's stag do.''

10/05/21 20:30:05

The captioneers' keep fit group meets every morning at 8.00am.

10/05/21 8:09:10

Mental gymnastics. --Willie Johnson

She is obviously not in favour of PC.

09/05/21 8:00:09

''Where are you?''

''Outside the Black Boy Hotel, Sarge.''

''Don't try and be funny, Constable. Just call it the police station.''

05/04/21 12:17:11

I almost want to give you a supervote for this one, but it's too close to a painful truth (which isn't funny). --Willie Johnson

''I only bought the jumper three months ago and it's already too small for him. Kids grow up so quick these days.''

31/03/21 20:24:28

''Who are those f-cking wierdos?''

''They're captioneers, Fester.''

15/01/21 20:23:27

Some of their captions are festering... --Mauris Iocus

13/10/20 20:00:26

''I told you to move the car before they started painting the white lines.''

25/09/20 12:00:09

''Goldilocks was found guilty of breaking and entering and was sent to a young offenders' institution.''

''That was a wonderful story. I love a happy ending.''

13/09/20 8:18:06

It was so sad. He dumped her just before the wedding.

30/07/20 12:00:22

Shelf isolation

26/06/20 8:07:41

14/05/20 20:14:34

You Play With Matches You Get Burned. --Woofer 6

I don't mind the fan dancing but I think it's a bit tasteless to bring that dead dog on stage.

06/05/20 8:49:11

One of Van Gogh's earlier paintings before he began to suffer from depression.

03/05/20 12:02:41

''And, if you waste any more time on that f-cking caption site, I'll splatter your brains all over the wall.''

17/04/20 21:06:48

''Whereabouts in the UK do you live?''

''How do you know I'm from the UK?''

11/04/20 12:27:39

I think he's from the Isle of White. --Karyn Harrison

Birdwatching For Beginners

28/03/20 8:42:18

That bird is not a beginner. He's been around the block a few times. --Willie Johnson

''Give me the frog any day.''

26/02/20 8:32:41

04/01/20 12:00:24

Wait, I thought he was "Killed by Death". --Willie Johnson

22/12/19 8:02:28

''Should we go and vote?''

''No, the captions are crap.''

12/12/19 12:05:21

''What shall we do with the other suspect, Sarge?''

''Grill him.''

04/12/19 8:01:58

British police are hoping to have him extradited across the pond.

29/11/19 12:10:17

North Pole dancer

03/11/19 8:05:37

24/08/19 8:10:16

''I hope the motel is very successful.'' - Well wisher.

12/08/19 8:21:00

''You've done watt?''

02/04/19 23:08:28

02/08/18 8:00:12

Kremlins 2: The New Batch

12/04/22 20:48:29

We need to do a sound check, ladies:

CAN YOU ALL HEAR ME?

31/03/22 8:08:19

21/02/22 8:20:55

''If you would like to go out with me, Gollum, give me a ring next week.''

10/02/22 20:18:02

Q) What's the difference between a postman and a captioneer?

A) A postman only posts it once.

11/11/21 12:05:38

''It's a vegetarian tonight. Is that alright, Leo?''

''No problem. Throw her over here.''

24/10/21 8:04:54

They won't eat her because she'll smell of salad. Meat eaters smell more familiar to a big cat's palate. --Glyn Evans

''Darling, I don't think it's a good idea for Johnny to be glued to the television all day.''

21/09/21 8:02:00

After a long, tiring flight Jane was looking forward to a good night's sleep in her Tokyo accommodation.

06/08/21 20:01:52