''Don't worry, his Bach is worse than his bite.''

17/12/18 8:00:36

£50
WINNER

''If you buy ten packs, we'll throw in the towel.''

08/11/18 20:16:31

Early gurning centre

14/08/19 8:02:06

Gay pride

19/08/19 8:00:09

lol

''Don't mention the War-burtons.''

08/10/18 21:26:05

The buck stops here

14/06/18 12:00:17

''Can I have some mice in it?''

22/08/19 8:00:24

clever

The museum decided to hang the main exhibit slightly left of centaur.

24/02/19 8:05:35

clever

That's no mere cat.

14/01/19 12:00:40

lol clever

Where's Wally: Level 1

21/09/18 12:02:11

Jane decides to leave her Tokyo accommodation.

24/07/18 8:23:17

lol

Pen pusher

24/07/19 8:00:10

She may be Maiden America but the flag was probably maiden China.

28/07/19 12:14:04

lol

IAAF ban South African women's relay team.

03/05/19 20:03:33

Primer donnas

06/09/18 12:13:13

''Since taking anabollic steroids, I've had a new Lisa life.''

22/08/18 20:46:45

Cedar's Digest

24/08/19 8:10:16

creative

''I hope the motel is very successful.'' - Well wisher.

12/08/19 8:21:00

''You've done watt?''

02/04/19 23:08:28

Southpaw

02/08/18 8:00:12

lol

''Why does he have to throw the stick so bloody far?''

23/09/19 8:22:49

Critics not impressed with trailer for new Pokemon movie.

17/06/19 8:06:51

clever

On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

05/06/19 8:38:50

''That's another one. Write it down in our book. How are we doing?''

''So far we've spotted 23 old bastards with binoculars.''

11/05/19 12:14:58

''Could you repeat that? I've got a head like a sieve.''

23/04/19 12:00:49

lol

''Just shoo it away, darling.''

25/03/19 12:13:42

lol

''Bye, dad.''

''Bison.''

25/03/19 12:00:39

Forlawn mower

09/03/19 8:00:11

He's been using factor 50/50 again.

20/08/18 8:47:30

creative

''....and sold tomorrow.''

31/08/19 8:08:18

Guaranteed to make your breath smell fowl.

28/08/19 12:16:40

Another cabinet reshuffle

23/06/19 20:02:12

Attractive girls always have buoys hanging round them.

13/06/19 8:00:33

The film is even scarier than the trailer.

28/04/19 12:00:19

''Do you comb here often?''

07/03/19 20:05:48

''The drinks are on me.''

01/01/19 12:13:00

Goldfish

28/12/18 12:00:56

lol

''Sod the Milk Tray. Get me back to the surface.''

14/12/18 12:35:23

''Oops, I've dropped the baby down the toilet.''

15/11/18 12:03:43

clever

A recent survey suggests that 3 out of 10 people have difficulty opening Windows.

12/08/18 8:08:57

As he walked through the back streets of Marseille, Pierre began to notice some pain underneath his right arm.

17/06/18 12:02:18

Pantyhose

19/02/18 8:02:57

''Why am I under arrest?''

''You're wearing a loud shirt in a quiet neighbourhood.''

10/09/19 12:05:35

''No, darling, I said you needed to put a coat on.''

31/07/19 12:41:45

lol

''Isn't that typical? You go for a coffee and when you get back some c*nt is sitting in your seat.''

29/07/19 20:04:15

lol

Shoppers run for cover as plague of moths hits city centre.

26/07/19 12:08:10

Inkling

23/07/19 8:04:57

''She's wanted dead or alive. There's a price on her head.''

07/07/19 20:28:38

The Nan In The Iron Mask

26/04/19 13:26:21

''Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!''
''What's that noise?''
''It sounds like The Speaker.''

08/04/19 8:21:40

clever

''They always come to Sainsbury's with me. They collect the nectar points.''

04/04/19 8:04:40

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

05/12/18 20:00:28

Shia delight

14/10/18 12:10:13

''Darling, when I said she wanted a Magnum.....''

25/09/18 20:47:49

Men Behaving Sadly

15/08/18 12:01:10

''Apparently, the company isn't doing very well. They've had to call in the receivers.''

19/06/18 13:36:14

''Did you have the vegan option for lunch?''

''Yes, he was delicious.''

20/07/19 12:16:56

Alcoholics Anonymous

06/07/19 8:31:39

Flushing Meadows

24/06/19 12:02:15

''Nan, do you have a sound system?''

''Yes, I take cod liver oil capsules everyday.''

24/03/19 8:32:50

Darth Spader

23/03/19 8:19:19

Land Phil

16/03/19 13:42:10

''We need to take Rex to the vets.''

19/02/19 8:01:15

clever

''We find that most visitors come to see George Best's liver.''

03/02/19 8:53:11

lol

''I've just come back from the doctors. I keep getting a ringing noise in my ear.''

01/02/19 12:05:08

Hound of the Maskervilles

20/01/19 12:01:17

Rebel Without A Claus

22/12/18 8:01:14

Scowl

23/10/18 12:00:08

Face painting

06/09/18 12:00:15

''Don't look so smug. The dart missed.''

11/08/18 21:11:51

Lily spots a peeping tom.

27/07/18 8:00:19

Looks like urine agony.

06/06/18 8:16:30

lol

Budget cutbacks impact on Hitchcock remake.

06/03/18 13:29:43

Salvation Army

12/07/19 8:18:07

''This is only the first, madam. There's going to be a packet of them.''

29/05/19 12:17:44

''Spoke On The Water''

24/05/19 20:09:27

''Don't worry, the picture will come back when the wind gets up.''

15/05/19 12:01:36

''Sorry, I can't speak at the moment. I have a frog in my throat.''

10/05/19 12:05:28

creative

Outside line

08/05/19 8:00:26

''I'm sorry, Jesus, we've run out of wine.''

''Don't worry. It's not a problem.''

07/05/19 12:07:20

''Darling, why didn't you use the Rolls?''

02/05/19 12:02:03

''Well done, Chris. You bastard.''

02/04/19 8:06:32

Twin Beaks

17/02/19 8:00:32

''It's one of The Joker's traps, Batman. This is Norfolk.''

29/01/19 8:02:34

''I've just tested him for cat nip, Sarge. He's well over the limit.''

23/08/18 8:29:33

''An Even Better Day Out'' - Wallace & Gromit

01/08/18 12:12:05

Brushing twice a day helps prevent bum disease.

28/07/18 21:29:14

I knew she would never finish that jumper.

16/06/18 8:07:23

Headbutt

03/06/18 8:18:10

''It was a great shame about old John. He kicked the bucket getting into the bath.''

07/09/19 12:05:45

Another captioneer collapses with exhaustion after trying to think of something funny.

07/09/19 8:44:43

Bark and ride

27/08/19 12:00:17

She goes down nicely after a bottle of wine.

13/08/19 20:42:45

''You need to move that, mate. This is a no-fly zone.''

21/07/19 12:04:34

''OK guys, you've nailed that one.''

07/07/19 12:02:48

''I wonder if I'm sniffing the right end.''

07/07/19 8:04:42

''What bigamy problem?''

20/06/19 12:06:32

''Never Mind The Horlicks''

09/06/19 21:24:37

''This is his favourite course. He just loves the greens.''

26/05/19 12:02:20

''And, furthermore, I find your captions only moderately amusing.''

13/04/19 8:12:34

D'or handles

13/02/19 20:00:59

''This sunburn is killing me. I should have married someone with bigger tits.''

18/01/19 20:28:17

''When happy hour starts there's usually a stampede.''

30/11/18 20:01:20

Raleigh discovers America

23/11/18 8:00:22

The poor birds have had the stuffing knocked out of them.

12/11/18 20:03:18

One Foot In The Gravel

09/11/18 12:01:30

''Miserable bastard! I only had one foot on the seat.''

22/10/18 8:29:54

Arctic Circle line

22/10/18 8:00:16

lol

He's definitely out according to Auk-Eye.

20/09/18 11:33:57

Underarm tactics

31/07/18 8:04:47

Whatever the opposition, Schwarber usually got the runs.

19/04/18 8:16:18

''I need a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''You should have gone before we set off.''

14/09/19 8:41:21

Deadly emissions

12/09/19 20:00:44

Captured.Me

09/09/19 8:00:50

''Mummy needs to get some groceries, darling. Just play with yourself for a while.''

13/08/19 8:16:43

''How is Rex?''

''Not so good. A bit up and down.''

25/07/19 8:07:52

''The captioneers seem to be struggling. Why don't you take a photo of my bike?''

05/07/19 20:11:43

On the plus side you'll meet all your old flames.

03/07/19 8:03:49

Comic Relief

01/07/19 12:23:00

Head mice

03/05/19 12:00:14

Daniel Craig begins to regret turning down the next Bond movie.

04/01/19 20:11:31

How time lies

04/01/19 8:00:44

Top model

28/10/18 20:45:05

clever

Quantum leap

09/10/18 20:00:36

New research proves that bottle fed babies are happier.

22/09/18 8:00:30

''I've got a new lead.''

08/08/18 12:01:32

''I've no idea what happened to Dorothy.''

15/07/18 8:19:10

''On reflection, let's go to the jewellers first.''

19/06/18 12:09:25

Camerarderie

25/04/18 8:55:42

Crowds flock to see The Dying Scotsmen

22/03/18 8:30:02

The Bone Ranger

23/09/19 8:06:01

''Are you the owner of this vehicle, sir?''
''Yes.''
''Can I have a go?''

19/09/19 21:31:58

Switch your computer on at 11.50 am. Stare at the photo, totally bemused. Then curse the bastards who voted for it. You know the drill.

17/09/19 12:16:34

One trip pony

23/08/19 20:59:46

''The milk comes in handy but I don't enjoy cleaning out its litter tray.''

11/08/19 8:35:34

Pubic transport

29/07/19 20:48:57

''Could you also take one of me eating your leg?''

22/07/19 20:28:54

''Darling, she's escaped from the freezer again.''

26/06/19 8:03:19

''I suspected she was cheating on me so I had her bugged.''

19/06/19 12:12:53

clever

Clare Balding

05/06/19 21:08:32

Jamie Oliver makes a last ditch effort to save his restaurant chain.

04/06/19 12:00:55

''Do you fancy a roll in the hay?''

01/06/19 8:28:47

King Arthur's army stay overnight in Tokyo.

23/05/19 12:05:18

Hair Majesty

04/05/19 20:29:49

''Your basket or mine?''

09/04/19 8:01:51

''Your chip will be arriving shortly, sir.''

30/03/19 9:11:30

Theresa May invites some friends over for dinner:

''Stop moaning about the food. It's either my meal or no meal.''

11/03/19 14:02:50

Her cup runneth over.

01/02/19 8:02:34

Party animal

08/01/19 23:31:08

He was just another nobody.

26/12/18 8:09:50

clever

Bed of nails

22/12/18 12:00:58

The Tragic Roundabout

18/11/18 21:33:17

''We'll need a crane to shift that turd.''

15/11/18 13:33:51

''Try and find something more interesting than two yellow buses.''

15/11/18 8:11:28

Light-headed

09/11/18 20:00:33

Granny Smith

02/11/18 12:00:11

The comfortable back rest is the icing on the cake.

26/09/18 12:04:18

''Wave it while you can. We are cutting it off in the morning.''

13/09/18 20:12:54

2B or not 2B?

08/09/18 20:00:55

''Pedro had his tail bitten off last night. Don't let them pin it on you.''

17/08/18 8:29:30

Sadly for his girlfriend, his erection disappeared in a puff of smoke.

15/08/18 8:13:22

''She's already won three tournaments this year, in spite of some difficult drawers.''

01/08/18 20:51:58

Deep sea jiver

01/07/18 13:22:23

Bob couldn't remember if the sun rose in the east or the west and then it dawned on him.

19/06/18 8:14:48

''How do you like being a pillar of salt?''

''Not a Lot.''

08/04/18 12:26:47

The Big Diaper

03/04/18 8:17:24

'' Excuse us for looking. We don't mean to primate.''

17/03/18 8:26:27

''Perhaps I should have cleaned my teeth.''

25/02/18 8:25:18

''I just can't get the hang of these invisible phones.''

18/09/19 12:14:57

''Can I have the big box?''

''You'll have to wait till my sister comes on duty.''

16/09/19 8:29:46

Lawrence of Belgravia

12/09/19 8:13:24

''To be honest, I prefer Lowry's later work.''

06/09/19 8:12:40

''Darling, can you get her an ice cream? She's beginning to kick off.''

04/09/19 12:37:13

Anyone taking unauthorised photographs will face a penalty.

04/09/19 12:08:39

lol

''Do you know what really upsets me? I haven't had a decent fag since I left Eton.''

27/08/19 8:30:11

''Are they extra strong?''

''Yes, six of them can carry a wasp.''

22/08/19 13:39:55

We don't charge.

16/08/19 8:05:32

Cottage loaf

30/07/19 8:00:29

''Can I sit next to you?''

''Yes, there's lots of womb.''

29/07/19 20:19:27

''I'll never work out how to use that new cat flap.''

18/07/19 8:00:48

HullaBaloo

13/07/19 12:43:18

''Mummy, if I go in the woods, will The Wolf eat me?''
''No dear, he's still in the pub celebrating.''

02/07/19 8:10:24

''There must be mortar life than this.''

30/06/19 12:00:31

''It's not so much a job, more of a calling.''

25/06/19 8:03:37

Welsh brothel raided by lice squad

22/06/19 8:03:24

''Go easy on the listeria, the patients are complaining about their sandwiches again.''

20/06/19 8:03:41

Snug as a bug in a rug

16/06/19 8:13:01

''The Sun Always Shines On TC''

12/06/19 8:03:27

''You were worried about the elephant in the room so I let it into the garden.''

11/06/19 8:03:51

''They like to keep their relationship under wraps.''

30/05/19 12:27:50

''What about brown bread?''

''You will be shortly.''

21/05/19 14:24:11

''Your plaice or mine?''

01/05/19 8:42:27

lol

Tory leadership latest news: Michael Gove is standing.

18/04/19 12:00:53

''Stop complaining. You shove Whiskas in my face everyday.''

01/04/19 8:09:10

Finger food

30/03/19 8:00:13

''Where are you going, Kitty?''

''To get some mice.''

15/03/19 8:01:09

''I'm playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the write order.''

08/03/19 20:04:25

''That pose is fine, dear. Stop milking it.''

01/02/19 8:03:56

A game of cat and mouth

30/01/19 20:01:02

She uses Surf for all her whites.

19/01/19 8:00:46