''Don't worry, his Bach is worse than his bite.''

17/12/18 8:00:36

£50
WINNER

''If you buy ten packs, we'll throw in the towel.''

08/11/18 20:16:31

Early gurning centre

Wed 8:02:06

lol

''Don't mention the War-burtons.''

08/10/18 21:26:05

The buck stops here

14/06/18 12:00:17

clever

The museum decided to hang the main exhibit slightly left of centaur.

24/02/19 8:05:35

clever

That's no mere cat.

14/01/19 12:00:40

lol clever

Where's Wally: Level 1

21/09/18 12:02:11

Jane decides to leave her Tokyo accommodation.

24/07/18 8:23:17

lol

Pen pusher

24/07/19 8:00:10

She may be Maiden America but the flag was probably maiden China.

28/07/19 12:14:04

lol

IAAF ban South African women's relay team.

03/05/19 20:03:33

Primer donnas

06/09/18 12:13:13

''Since taking anabollic steroids, I've had a new Lisa life.''

22/08/18 20:46:45

creative

''I hope the motel is very successful.'' - Well wisher.

Mon 8:21:00

''You've done watt?''

02/04/19 23:08:28

Southpaw

02/08/18 8:00:12

Critics not impressed with trailer for new Pokemon movie.

17/06/19 8:06:51

clever

On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

05/06/19 8:38:50

''That's another one. Write it down in our book. How are we doing?''

''So far we've spotted 23 old bastards with binoculars.''

11/05/19 12:14:58

''Could you repeat that? I've got a head like a sieve.''

23/04/19 12:00:49

lol

''Just shoo it away, darling.''

25/03/19 12:13:42

lol

''Bye, dad.''

''Bison.''

25/03/19 12:00:39

Forlawn mower

09/03/19 8:00:11

He's been using factor 50/50 again.

20/08/18 8:47:30

Another cabinet reshuffle

23/06/19 20:02:12

Attractive girls always have buoys hanging round them.

13/06/19 8:00:33

The film is even scarier than the trailer.

28/04/19 12:00:19

''Do you comb here often?''

07/03/19 20:05:48

''The drinks are on me.''

01/01/19 12:13:00

Goldfish

28/12/18 12:00:56

lol

''Sod the Milk Tray. Get me back to the surface.''

14/12/18 12:35:23

''Oops, I've dropped the baby down the toilet.''

15/11/18 12:03:43

clever

A recent survey suggests that 3 out of 10 people have difficulty opening Windows.

12/08/18 8:08:57

As he walked through the back streets of Marseille, Pierre began to notice some pain underneath his right arm.

17/06/18 12:02:18

Pantyhose

19/02/18 8:02:57

''No, darling, I said you needed to put a coat on.''

31/07/19 12:41:45

lol

''Isn't that typical? You go for a coffee and when you get back some c*nt is sitting in your seat.''

29/07/19 20:04:15

lol

Shoppers run for cover as plague of moths hits city centre.

26/07/19 12:08:10

Inkling

23/07/19 8:04:57

''She's wanted dead or alive. There's a price on her head.''

07/07/19 20:28:38

The Nan In The Iron Mask

26/04/19 13:26:21

''Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!''
''What's that noise?''
''It sounds like The Speaker.''

08/04/19 8:21:40

clever

''They always come to Sainsbury's with me. They collect the nectar points.''

04/04/19 8:04:40

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

05/12/18 20:00:28

Shia delight

14/10/18 12:10:13

''Darling, when I said she wanted a Magnum.....''

25/09/18 20:47:49

Men Behaving Sadly

15/08/18 12:01:10

''Apparently, the company isn't doing very well. They've had to call in the receivers.''

19/06/18 13:36:14

''Did you have the vegan option for lunch?''

''Yes, he was delicious.''

20/07/19 12:16:56

Alcoholics Anonymous

06/07/19 8:31:39

Flushing Meadows

24/06/19 12:02:15

''Nan, do you have a sound system?''

''Yes, I take cod liver oil capsules everyday.''

24/03/19 8:32:50

Darth Spader

23/03/19 8:19:19

Land Phil

16/03/19 13:42:10

''We need to take Rex to the vets.''

19/02/19 8:01:15

clever

''We find that most visitors come to see George Best's liver.''

03/02/19 8:53:11

lol

''I've just come back from the doctors. I keep getting a ringing noise in my ear.''

01/02/19 12:05:08

Hound of the Maskervilles

20/01/19 12:01:17

Rebel Without A Claus

22/12/18 8:01:14

Scowl

23/10/18 12:00:08

Face painting

06/09/18 12:00:15

''Don't look so smug. The dart missed.''

11/08/18 21:11:51

Lily spots a peeping tom.

27/07/18 8:00:19

Looks like urine agony.

06/06/18 8:16:30

lol

Budget cutbacks impact on Hitchcock remake.

06/03/18 13:29:43

Salvation Army

12/07/19 8:18:07

''This is only the first, madam. There's going to be a packet of them.''

29/05/19 12:17:44

''Spoke On The Water''

24/05/19 20:09:27

''Don't worry, the picture will come back when the wind gets up.''

15/05/19 12:01:36

''Sorry, I can't speak at the moment. I have a frog in my throat.''

10/05/19 12:05:28

creative

Outside line

08/05/19 8:00:26

''I'm sorry, Jesus, we've run out of wine.''

''Don't worry. It's not a problem.''

07/05/19 12:07:20

''Darling, why didn't you use the Rolls?''

02/05/19 12:02:03

''Well done, Chris. You bastard.''

02/04/19 8:06:32

Twin Beaks

17/02/19 8:00:32

''It's one of The Joker's traps, Batman. This is Norfolk.''

29/01/19 8:02:34

''I've just tested him for cat nip, Sarge. He's well over the limit.''

23/08/18 8:29:33

''An Even Better Day Out'' - Wallace & Gromit

01/08/18 12:12:05

Brushing twice a day helps prevent bum disease.

28/07/18 21:29:14

I knew she would never finish that jumper.

16/06/18 8:07:23

Headbutt

03/06/18 8:18:10

She goes down nicely after a bottle of wine.

Tue 20:42:45

''You need to move that, mate. This is a no-fly zone.''

21/07/19 12:04:34

''OK guys, you've nailed that one.''

07/07/19 12:02:48

''I wonder if I'm sniffing the right end.''

07/07/19 8:04:42

''What bigamy problem?''

20/06/19 12:06:32

''Never Mind The Horlicks''

09/06/19 21:24:37

''This is his favourite course. He just loves the greens.''

26/05/19 12:02:20

''And, furthermore, I find your captions only moderately amusing.''

13/04/19 8:12:34

D'or handles

13/02/19 20:00:59

''This sunburn is killing me. I should have married someone with bigger tits.''

18/01/19 20:28:17

''When happy hour starts there's usually a stampede.''

30/11/18 20:01:20

Raleigh discovers America

23/11/18 8:00:22

The poor birds have had the stuffing knocked out of them.

12/11/18 20:03:18

One Foot In The Gravel

09/11/18 12:01:30

''Miserable bastard! I only had one foot on the seat.''

22/10/18 8:29:54

Arctic Circle line

22/10/18 8:00:16

lol

He's definitely out according to Auk-Eye.

20/09/18 11:33:57

Underarm tactics

31/07/18 8:04:47

Whatever the opposition, Schwarber usually got the runs.

19/04/18 8:16:18

''Mummy needs to get some groceries, darling. Just play with yourself for a while.''

Tue 8:16:43

''How is Rex?''

''Not so good. A bit up and down.''

25/07/19 8:07:52

''The captioneers seem to be struggling. Why don't you take a photo of my bike?''

05/07/19 20:11:43

On the plus side you'll meet all your old flames.

03/07/19 8:03:49

Comic Relief

01/07/19 12:23:00

Head mice

03/05/19 12:00:14

Daniel Craig begins to regret turning down the next Bond movie.

04/01/19 20:11:31

How time lies

04/01/19 8:00:44

Top model

28/10/18 20:45:05

clever

Quantum leap

09/10/18 20:00:36

New research proves that bottle fed babies are happier.

22/09/18 8:00:30

''I've got a new lead.''

08/08/18 12:01:32

''I've no idea what happened to Dorothy.''

15/07/18 8:19:10

''On reflection, let's go to the jewellers first.''

19/06/18 12:09:25

Camerarderie

25/04/18 8:55:42

Crowds flock to see The Dying Scotsmen

22/03/18 8:30:02

''The milk comes in handy but I don't enjoy cleaning out its litter tray.''

Sun 8:35:34

Pubic transport

29/07/19 20:48:57

''Could you also take one of me eating your leg?''

22/07/19 20:28:54

''Darling, she's escaped from the freezer again.''

26/06/19 8:03:19

''I suspected she was cheating on me so I had her bugged.''

19/06/19 12:12:53

clever

Clare Balding

05/06/19 21:08:32

Jamie Oliver makes a last ditch effort to save his restaurant chain.

04/06/19 12:00:55

''Do you fancy a roll in the hay?''

01/06/19 8:28:47

King Arthur's army stay overnight in Tokyo.

23/05/19 12:05:18

Hair Majesty

04/05/19 20:29:49

''Your basket or mine?''

09/04/19 8:01:51

''Your chip will be arriving shortly, sir.''

30/03/19 9:11:30

Theresa May invites some friends over for dinner:

''Stop moaning about the food. It's either my meal or no meal.''

11/03/19 14:02:50

Her cup runneth over.

01/02/19 8:02:34

Party animal

08/01/19 23:31:08

He was just another nobody.

26/12/18 8:09:50

clever

Bed of nails

22/12/18 12:00:58

The Tragic Roundabout

18/11/18 21:33:17

''We'll need a crane to shift that turd.''

15/11/18 13:33:51

''Try and find something more interesting than two yellow buses.''

15/11/18 8:11:28

Light-headed

09/11/18 20:00:33

Granny Smith

02/11/18 12:00:11

The comfortable back rest is the icing on the cake.

26/09/18 12:04:18

''Wave it while you can. We are cutting it off in the morning.''

13/09/18 20:12:54

2B or not 2B?

08/09/18 20:00:55

''Pedro had his tail bitten off last night. Don't let them pin it on you.''

17/08/18 8:29:30

Sadly for his girlfriend, his erection disappeared in a puff of smoke.

15/08/18 8:13:22

''She's already won three tournaments this year, in spite of some difficult drawers.''

01/08/18 20:51:58

Deep sea jiver

01/07/18 13:22:23

Bob couldn't remember if the sun rose in the east or the west and then it dawned on him.

19/06/18 8:14:48

''How do you like being a pillar of salt?''

''Not a Lot.''

08/04/18 12:26:47

The Big Diaper

03/04/18 8:17:24

'' Excuse us for looking. We don't mean to primate.''

17/03/18 8:26:27

''Perhaps I should have cleaned my teeth.''

25/02/18 8:25:18

Cottage loaf

30/07/19 8:00:29

''Can I sit next to you?''

''Yes, there's lots of womb.''

29/07/19 20:19:27

''I'll never work out how to use that new cat flap.''

18/07/19 8:00:48

HullaBaloo

13/07/19 12:43:18

''Mummy, if I go in the woods, will The Wolf eat me?''
''No dear, he's still in the pub celebrating.''

02/07/19 8:10:24

''There must be mortar life than this.''

30/06/19 12:00:31

''It's not so much a job, more of a calling.''

25/06/19 8:03:37

Welsh brothel raided by lice squad

22/06/19 8:03:24

''Go easy on the listeria, the patients are complaining about their sandwiches again.''

20/06/19 8:03:41

Snug as a bug in a rug

16/06/19 8:13:01

''The Sun Always Shines On TC''

12/06/19 8:03:27

''You were worried about the elephant in the room so I let it into the garden.''

11/06/19 8:03:51

''They like to keep their relationship under wraps.''

30/05/19 12:27:50

''What about brown bread?''

''You will be shortly.''

21/05/19 14:24:11

''Your plaice or mine?''

01/05/19 8:42:27

lol

Tory leadership latest news: Michael Gove is standing.

18/04/19 12:00:53

''Stop complaining. You shove Whiskas in my face everyday.''

01/04/19 8:09:10

Finger food

30/03/19 8:00:13

''Where are you going, Kitty?''

''To get some mice.''

15/03/19 8:01:09

''I'm playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the write order.''

08/03/19 20:04:25

''That pose is fine, dear. Stop milking it.''

01/02/19 8:03:56

A game of cat and mouth

30/01/19 20:01:02

She uses Surf for all her whites.

19/01/19 8:00:46

Sadly, they didn't see the steam roller coming.

18/01/19 8:04:54

Tree coarse meal

15/01/19 8:06:00

''He hasn't posted a caption for a while but he's still on the site.''

11/01/19 8:16:30

''Look mum. No Andes!''

05/01/19 16:30:10

Anus horribilis

30/12/18 22:13:42

''Could someone take that hairy bum away from my arse?''

30/12/18 22:00:18

Desert Island Disc

28/12/18 20:03:04

The Adoration of the Moggy

24/12/18 8:01:19

''I did not say, 'Stupid reindeer'. I said, 'Stupid reins, deer'.''

21/12/18 8:13:28

''I can't go yet. I'm not in gear.''

02/12/18 8:26:43

Brick teaser

29/11/18 8:05:28

Dial M for Mother

13/11/18 13:19:35

Police chief claims that playing chicken on motorways has reached epidemic proportions.

12/11/18 20:00:11

The Towel & The Pussycat

08/11/18 12:02:10

Walking Heads

29/10/18 20:04:42

''I've been invited to a fur ball.''

29/10/18 8:00:59

Chimp off the old block

20/10/18 8:09:26

Trailer trash

19/10/18 8:00:14

Silver surfer

30/08/18 12:00:18

Last week they used a hamster who moved too fast. They never seem to be able to find a happy medium.

30/08/18 8:14:51

''I've no idea what happened to your Persian rug.''

16/06/18 12:03:23

Helen didn't have an oven so she always had to boil her Swedes.

03/06/18 13:23:00

''Next week we are going to try out a new routine so you musketeer a little bit earlier.''

10/05/18 8:08:07

These are Michael McIntyre's jeans. He's always short on material.

08/05/18 12:10:39

Rover the edge

25/03/18 8:07:53

Reduced For Quick Sale

23/03/18 13:57:11