lol creative x2 clever

''Hello, Derbyshire police, it's Tom here. I've just seen a couple walking their dog.''

31/03/20 8:04:05

''Darling, we need to re-seed the lawn. That bear patch looks terrible.''

20/05/21 8:01:33

''Let me come with you, Johnny. Don't leave me here alone. I won't be a nuisance. Please, I'm begging you. Listen to me, I'll die if you go.''

''For Christ's sake, Martha, I'm only putting the bins out.''

16/08/20 20:49:00

lol

''How are you going to cure me?''

''Just Like That!''

26/02/20 12:03:06

''Don't worry, his Bach is worse than his bite.''

17/12/18 8:00:36

£50
WINNER

''If you buy ten packs, we'll throw in the towel.''

08/11/18 20:16:31

''I can't see Newcastle avoiding relegation, Gary. They're just too exposed at the back.''

26/03/21 8:33:21

lol

''This is a station announcement for all those passengers wishing to commit suicide: The train due to be arriving on platform 1 will now be arriving on Platform 2.''

27/05/20 21:12:30

''I'm absolutely worn out, prowling round Essex all night trying to find a virgin.''

01/05/20 12:13:13

Early gurning centre

14/08/19 8:02:06

''She's going to need plastic surgery.''

17/05/21 20:00:15

clever x2

Sadly, Daisy is still trying to find a byre for her paintings.

19/02/21 12:13:20

lol

New 'Ice Age' movie ruined by product placement say critics.

16/07/20 8:33:51

lol clever

''He didn't suffer. He fried in his sleep.''

30/06/20 20:00:38

lol clever

''I look down on him because I am a Waitrose pumpkin.''

''I look up to him because he is a Waitrose pumpkin but I look down on him because he is an Aldi pumpkin. I am a Tesco pumpkin.''

''I know my place.''

18/11/19 9:06:02

Gay pride

19/08/19 8:00:09

lol

''Don't mention the War-burtons.''

08/10/18 21:26:05

The buck stops here

14/06/18 12:00:17

clever

''Good afternoon. I'd like to talk to you about Cod.''

13/06/21 12:13:25

creative

''Am I OK here, Vincent?''

''Actually, I've changed my mind. I think the painting will be better without you in it.''

15/09/20 8:15:47

lol x2 clever

Shortly after this photo was taken, the penguin on the left was eaten by a seal. Please take this into account when you are posting your captions.

02/07/20 12:43:32

''Can I have some mice in it?''

22/08/19 8:00:24

clever

The museum decided to hang the main exhibit slightly left of centaur.

24/02/19 8:05:35

clever

That's no mere cat.

14/01/19 12:00:40

lol clever

Where's Wally: Level 1

21/09/18 12:02:11

Jane decides to leave her Tokyo accommodation.

24/07/18 8:23:17

''There's something wrong with the clutch.''

26/05/21 20:09:48

clever

''I should keep two metres away from her. She may be a carrier pigeon.''

17/01/21 9:05:07

''Shit! It's frozen.''

02/10/20 8:12:13

BREAKING NEWS: Shergar found at Chester Zoo. He had me fooled claims zebra keeper.

17/08/20 20:23:38

lol creative

🎵 Don't Stand So Close To Me 🎵

06/07/20 8:34:47

clever x3

''This isn't fair. We agreed to start the battle this afternoon.''

''Too bad, Ethelred.''

05/04/20 9:05:50

lol

Pen pusher

24/07/19 8:00:10

clever

''How did Polly get out of her cage?''

''She used the escape key.''

09/06/21 12:24:46

clever

''I can't understand why you worry so much about pandemics. We're always the first to get the vaccine.''

06/04/21 12:32:19

She works in the intensive scare unit.

31/03/21 8:37:42

creative

''Hurry up. The tooth is killing me.''

16/03/21 8:01:15

creative

BREAKING NEWS: Daisy's second lunar mission ends in failure.
(But the little dog still has a good laugh)

16/02/21 20:02:51

Meals On Wheels

14/12/20 8:00:12

''I'm very confident of future growth.''

26/09/20 12:21:39

lol

BREAKING NEWS: Kangaroo leap frog champion suffers setback in first round.

24/08/20 12:08:19

Reese with her spoon

18/12/19 8:27:59

''You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.''

''Get some glasses.''

30/10/19 8:16:23

She may be Maiden America but the flag was probably maiden China.

28/07/19 12:14:04

lol

IAAF ban South African women's relay team.

03/05/19 20:03:33

Primer donnas

06/09/18 12:13:13

''Since taking anabollic steroids, I've had a new Lisa life.''

22/08/18 20:46:45

''We had to abandon the race. When the greyhounds saw him they wouldn't come out of the traps.''

29/05/21 8:03:15

''E = mc2. I've cracked it!''

21/05/21 20:00:09

''I'm booking you.......for the Inspector's stag do.''

10/05/21 20:30:05

The captioneers' keep fit group meets every morning at 8.00am.

10/05/21 8:09:10

She is obviously not in favour of PC.

09/05/21 8:00:09

clever

''Where are you?''

''Outside the Black Boy Hotel, Sarge.''

''Don't try and be funny, Constable. Just call it the police station.''

05/04/21 12:17:11

''I only bought the jumper three months ago and it's already too small for him. Kids grow up so quick these days.''

31/03/21 20:24:28

lol

''Who are those f-cking wierdos?''

''They're captioneers, Fester.''

15/01/21 20:23:27

Mr Potato Dead

13/10/20 20:00:26

''I told you to move the car before they started painting the white lines.''

25/09/20 12:00:09

''Goldilocks was found guilty of breaking and entering and was sent to a young offenders' institution.''

''That was a wonderful story. I love a happy ending.''

13/09/20 8:18:06

It was so sad. He dumped her just before the wedding.

30/07/20 12:00:22

clever

Shelf isolation

26/06/20 8:07:41

clever

Pulp Fiction

14/05/20 20:14:34

lol

I don't mind the fan dancing but I think it's a bit tasteless to bring that dead dog on stage.

06/05/20 8:49:11

clever

One of Van Gogh's earlier paintings before he began to suffer from depression.

03/05/20 12:02:41

''And, if you waste any more time on that f-cking caption site, I'll splatter your brains all over the wall.''

17/04/20 21:06:48

''Whereabouts in the UK do you live?''

''How do you know I'm from the UK?''

11/04/20 12:27:39

Birdwatching For Beginners

28/03/20 8:42:18

lol

''Give me the frog any day.''

26/02/20 8:32:41

''Lemmy out!''

04/01/20 12:00:24

clever

Coney Island

22/12/19 8:02:28

''Should we go and vote?''

''No, the captions are crap.''

12/12/19 12:05:21

''What shall we do with the other suspect, Sarge?''

''Grill him.''

04/12/19 8:01:58

British police are hoping to have him extradited across the pond.

29/11/19 12:10:17

North Pole dancer

03/11/19 8:05:37

Cedar's Digest

24/08/19 8:10:16

creative

''I hope the motel is very successful.'' - Well wisher.

12/08/19 8:21:00

''You've done watt?''

02/04/19 23:08:28

Southpaw

02/08/18 8:00:12

creative

''Please disembark at the rear of the train unless you are near death's door.''

08/07/21 12:01:22

''Darling, why are you scribbling on the dog?''

''The cat won't keep still.''

27/06/21 8:10:47

Someone at Sainsbury's has shown a lack of concentration.

06/03/21 8:00:09

''How much do the council pay you for doing this job?''

''What council?''

14/02/21 8:26:00

Feline Dion

21/01/21 12:01:21

''Did you find the needle?''

''No.''

08/11/20 8:22:17

''Say something, darling.''

''I can't, it's a silent movie.''

25/09/20 8:10:59

clever

''Don't forget, two centimetres.''

21/09/20 20:25:47

''Just hand over the bananas and nobody will get hurt.''

16/09/20 12:15:32

''I'm the monkey who sees no evil. I went blind years ago.''

15/08/20 8:07:28

As he was late for an appointment, Jaques decided to have his starter and dessert together.

12/08/20 20:08:05

''Are you responsible for that crack?''

''Honestly, dad, it's not my fault.''

11/07/20 12:13:46

Neighbours

30/05/20 8:00:13

lol

''After three days of suffering in excruciating agony, the cat eventually died.''

''That was wonderful. I love a happy ending.''

22/05/20 8:37:20

Captain Tom harassed by groupies.

06/05/20 12:09:52

''That was my Wednesday lunchtime caption. Now the caption I did in the evening got even more votes........''

06/03/20 8:02:44

''It's the only way I can stop him from self harming. He keeps bashing his head against the windows.''

24/02/20 8:08:10

She's always reluctant to leave her comfort zone.

15/02/20 12:00:53

I love his handlebar moustache.

13/02/20 12:02:52

lol

''Do I look like I want to go for a f-cking walk?''

12/02/20 8:02:48

lol

''Why does he have to throw the stick so bloody far?''

23/09/19 8:22:49

Critics not impressed with trailer for new Pokemon movie.

17/06/19 8:06:51

clever

On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

05/06/19 8:38:50

''That's another one. Write it down in our book. How are we doing?''

''So far we've spotted 23 old bastards with binoculars.''

11/05/19 12:14:58

''Could you repeat that? I've got a head like a sieve.''

23/04/19 12:00:49

lol

''Just shoo it away, darling.''

25/03/19 12:13:42

lol

''Bye, dad.''

''Bison.''

25/03/19 12:00:39

Forlawn mower

09/03/19 8:00:11

He's been using factor 50/50 again.

20/08/18 8:47:30

''It's the plumber. I've told him to come up.''

Mon 8:25:29

Gordon The Golfer

04/07/21 8:00:13

''And that's how you work out your weekly caption quota.''

22/06/21 12:37:46

''It looks like his winning streak is about to come to an end.''

29/04/21 8:35:59

lol

''I've got to go now. It's time for the midday caption.''

09/03/21 12:18:56

clever

''Go to work on an egg.''

30/11/20 12:02:10

''I'm so grateful you managed to unblock the sink.''

09/11/20 20:15:27

lol

''Don't come running to me, if you fall off.''

04/10/20 20:35:59

''Darling, when I said you could do with an extra few inches......''

22/09/20 8:25:40

clever

''It's stopped raining, darling. Let's get out of here.''

24/08/20 21:35:28

News has reached the fishermen that the schools will soon be back.

25/05/20 8:34:45

''We had to take him off transplants. He kept eating the liver.''

30/04/20 9:09:19

''How do you feel since you've been on the Frontline?''

''Great. It's got rid of all my fleas.''

30/04/20 8:28:49

''Dostoyevsky always cracks me up.''

23/04/20 20:06:18

Tom Baker

13/04/20 20:21:27

''If I were you, I wouldn't keep shouting 'Heel'.''

21/03/20 8:02:07

Frozen pees

23/12/19 8:00:15

''Please remember not to leave stormtroopers in cars during the hot weather.''

19/12/19 12:24:57

''Shall I tell the driver you've fixed it?''

''This is Southern Rail, mate. I am the f--king driver.''

07/12/19 12:16:40

A bad case of nappy rasher

23/11/19 20:00:47

clever x2

''It was an amicable divorce. We shared everything.''

16/11/19 12:12:00

creative

''....and sold tomorrow.''

31/08/19 8:08:18

Guaranteed to make your breath smell fowl.

28/08/19 12:16:40

Another cabinet reshuffle

23/06/19 20:02:12

Attractive girls always have buoys hanging round them.

13/06/19 8:00:33

The film is even scarier than the trailer.

28/04/19 12:00:19

''Do you comb here often?''

07/03/19 20:05:48

''The drinks are on me.''

01/01/19 12:13:00

Goldfish

28/12/18 12:00:56

lol

''Sod the Milk Tray. Get me back to the surface.''

14/12/18 12:35:23

''Oops, I've dropped the baby down the toilet.''

15/11/18 12:03:43

clever

A recent survey suggests that 3 out of 10 people have difficulty opening Windows.

12/08/18 8:08:57

As he walked through the back streets of Marseille, Pierre began to notice some pain underneath his right arm.

17/06/18 12:02:18

Pantyhose

19/02/18 8:02:57

clever

''At least I'll have no problems hanging his shit on the trees.''

03/07/21 12:28:17

lol

''Are you going to be long, mate? I'm desperate for a hiss.''

05/05/21 8:00:36

Passing out parade

29/04/21 12:00:09

''Whatever people say, we'll never quit the habit.''

27/04/21 12:00:10

''What are those men doing, sergeant?''

''They didn't feel well, sir, so I put them on light duties.''

16/03/21 12:03:55

Sadly, their drunken father was later thrown out of the Tate Modern for making an exhibition of himself.

11/03/21 12:21:28

''Say cheese.''

04/02/21 8:01:01

''He married her because she was good in the sack.''

24/01/21 20:14:22

Sorry I missed you. Next time I'll hit you with it.

05/01/21 8:00:38

''I haven't seen my family for weeks.''

''Because of the restrictions?''

''No, I just f-cking hate them.''

24/09/20 20:10:30

''It's not just the very narrow fairway that makes the fifth hole so challenging for golfers.''

21/09/20 12:30:42

''Mr Hefner, you've forgotten your 'T'.''

31/08/20 20:01:19

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
who sat down beside her.
That's the third one she's eaten today.

22/08/20 8:40:01

''Ha! Ha! The Queen is wearing that ridiculous hat again.''

10/08/20 8:18:32

''What kind of fish are you?''

''Don't tell him, Pike.''

14/05/20 8:04:31

Dave couldn't understand why he only ever caught flat fish.

13/05/20 8:24:39

lol

''Cut! Sly, can you try and look a bit more animated in the next shoot?''

21/04/20 8:15:53

''Have you you been tested?''

''Yes, they say I'm f-cking crazy.''

03/04/20 8:05:13

clever

Grounded!

31/03/20 12:40:41

Friendly fire

14/02/20 20:05:07

''If you want some action, fellas, just give me a ring.''

07/01/20 8:02:50

''Sarge, we've got the right Donald.''

''OK, let the Duck go.''

30/11/19 9:07:50

NO KITE FLYING

07/11/19 12:02:05

clever

The Sty At Night

19/10/19 8:00:15

''Why am I under arrest?''

''You're wearing a loud shirt in a quiet neighbourhood.''

10/09/19 12:05:35

''No, darling, I said you needed to put a coat on.''

31/07/19 12:41:45

lol

''Isn't that typical? You go for a coffee and when you get back some c*nt is sitting in your seat.''

29/07/19 20:04:15

lol

Shoppers run for cover as plague of moths hits city centre.

26/07/19 12:08:10

Inkling

23/07/19 8:04:57

''She's wanted dead or alive. There's a price on her head.''

07/07/19 20:28:38

The Nan In The Iron Mask

26/04/19 13:26:21

''Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!''
''What's that noise?''
''It sounds like The Speaker.''

08/04/19 8:21:40

clever

''They always come to Sainsbury's with me. They collect the nectar points.''

04/04/19 8:04:40

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

05/12/18 20:00:28

Shia delight

14/10/18 12:10:13

''Darling, when I said she wanted a Magnum.....''

25/09/18 20:47:49

Men Behaving Sadly

15/08/18 12:01:10

''Apparently, the company isn't doing very well. They've had to call in the receivers.''

19/06/18 13:36:14

lol

WOMAN'S BEST FRIEND

''Would you like me to fetch you a glass of wine?''

Mon 8:12:40

''I was working in the area and I noticed that one of your ice slabs is loose. Would you like me to fix it for you?''

''No, I never hire cold callers.''

13/06/21 12:41:15

''And the winning raffle ticket is 86 yellow.''

08/06/21 20:54:12

''Was it an amicable divorce?''

''Yes, we shared everything.''

30/05/21 8:25:54

Harry Potter And The Philosophers, Stoned

22/05/21 12:00:08

''There's that Tiddles from number sixteen. Would you believe it? She's just had another litter. A couple of fish heads and she's anybody's.''

13/05/21 12:28:56

''I never know how to start a conversation when I'm dancing.''

''Try saying, 'Do you come here often'. That's a good way to break the ice.''

25/04/21 12:46:58

Steering committee

06/03/21 12:08:12

She has a reputation as a home wrecker.

26/02/21 8:15:29

clever

''Her Izal follow you all round the room.''

22/02/21 12:10:10

clever

''The key is available from reception on the second floor.''

01/02/21 12:13:22

lol

''I'm turning back, Bob. F-ck the Grand Old Duke Of York.''

14/01/21 12:28:40

WARNING: Crocodiles are advised to beware of oncoming wheelchairs.

14/12/20 8:08:36

''I wish he wouldn't throw the stick so bloody far.''

09/11/20 8:36:12

''I've got some good news for you, Mrs Jones. Your mother's heart operation was successful.''

01/10/20 12:10:49

Some of the entries are outstanding in their field.

20/09/20 12:00:50

''Can I have a cuddle?''

''No, you still stink after using that portaloo.''

13/09/20 8:35:51

Many hands make light work.

05/09/20 20:12:36

lol

''I've changed my mind. I think I'll spend a few more days in the nest.''

02/09/20 12:02:22

BREAKING NEWS: Government urges toddlers to stop working from home and return to day nurseries.

02/09/20 8:02:22

''I just can't fancy these German women.''

14/08/20 8:08:23

''Are they the white cliffs of Dover?''

''They will be soon.''

11/08/20 20:11:02