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Dave Bryan

signed up: 1 year, 12 months ago
profile viewed: 22 time(s) this week
caption quota: 45
votes given since joining: 2,732
super vote quota: 1

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captions

''Don't worry, his Bach is worse than his bite.''

17/12/18 8:00:36

£50
WINNER

''If you buy ten packs, we'll throw in the towel.''

08/11/18 20:16:31

Many thanks for the kind comments. Looking at the quality of the previous winners, I'm delighted to now be one of them.The dosh will also come in useful. Next time my wife says ''Are you wasting your time doing those stupid captions again... --Dave Bryan

Early gurning centre

14/08/19 7:02:06

lol

clever

''I look down on him because I am a Waitrose pumpkin.''

''I look up to him because he is a Waitrose pumpkin but I look down on him because he is an Aldi pumpkin. I am a Tesco pumpkin.''

''I know my place.''

18/11/19 9:06:02

Very clever! --Karyn Harrison

Gay pride

19/08/19 7:00:09

lol

''Don't mention the War-burtons.''

08/10/18 20:26:05

Took me a while .... but a vote worthy fun caption. --John Glover

The buck stops here

14/06/18 11:00:17

''Can I have some mice in it?''

22/08/19 7:00:24

clever

The museum decided to hang the main exhibit slightly left of centaur.

24/02/19 8:05:35

14/01/19 12:00:40

Where's Wally: Level 1

21/09/18 11:02:11

Jane decides to leave her Tokyo accommodation.

24/07/18 7:23:17

lol

Pen pusher

24/07/19 7:00:10

The pen is mightier than the sheared. :^) --Crunchy Chords

Reese with her spoon

18/12/19 8:27:59

''You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.''

''Get some glasses.''

30/10/19 8:16:23

She may be Maiden America but the flag was probably maiden China.

28/07/19 11:14:04

lol

IAAF ban South African women's relay team.

03/05/19 19:03:33

Primer donnas

06/09/18 11:13:13

''Since taking anabollic steroids, I've had a new Lisa life.''

22/08/18 19:46:45

''Lemmy out!''

04/01/20 12:00:24

Wait, I thought he was "Killed by Death". --Willie Johnson

clever

Coney Island

22/12/19 8:02:28

''Should we go and vote?''

''No, the captions are crap.''

12/12/19 12:05:21

''What shall we do with the other suspect, Sarge?''

''Grill him.''

04/12/19 8:01:58

British police are hoping to have him extradited across the pond.

29/11/19 12:10:17

North Pole dancer

03/11/19 8:05:37

Cedar's Digest

24/08/19 7:10:16

creative

''I hope the motel is very successful.'' - Well wisher.

12/08/19 7:21:00

''You've done watt?''

02/04/19 22:08:28

Southpaw

02/08/18 7:00:12

lol

''Why does he have to throw the stick so bloody far?''

23/09/19 7:22:49

Critics not impressed with trailer for new Pokemon movie.

17/06/19 7:06:51

clever

On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

05/06/19 7:38:50

''That's another one. Write it down in our book. How are we doing?''

''So far we've spotted 23 old bastards with binoculars.''

11/05/19 11:14:58

''Could you repeat that? I've got a head like a sieve.''

23/04/19 11:00:49

Funny 😂 --Karen Oakenfull

lol

''Just shoo it away, darling.''

25/03/19 12:13:42

lol

''Bye, dad.''

''Bison.''

25/03/19 12:00:39

Forlawn mower

09/03/19 8:00:11

He's been using factor 50/50 again.

20/08/18 7:47:30

Frozen pees

23/12/19 8:00:15

''Please remember not to leave stormtroopers in cars during the hot weather.''

19/12/19 12:24:57

At least leave a window slightly open and have some water available. And turn off the child safety lock, we all know he won't be able to shoot the windows out in an emergency. --Willie Johnson

''Shall I tell the driver you've fixed it?''

''This is Southern Rail, mate. I am the f--king driver.''

07/12/19 12:16:40

A bad case of nappy rasher

23/11/19 20:00:47

clever x2

''It was an amicable divorce. We shared everything.''

16/11/19 12:12:00

Did he give her the boot? --Mr Dome

creative

''....and sold tomorrow.''

31/08/19 7:08:18

Guaranteed to make your breath smell fowl.

28/08/19 11:16:40

Another cabinet reshuffle

23/06/19 19:02:12

Attractive girls always have buoys hanging round them.

13/06/19 7:00:33

The film is even scarier than the trailer.

28/04/19 11:00:19

''Do you comb here often?''

07/03/19 20:05:48

😂 Haven’t got any supervotes this week but wanted to tell you that after seeing this pic for time, I think your caption is really funny 😁 --Karen Oakenfull

''The drinks are on me.''

01/01/19 12:13:00

I reckon this caption would be even better without the first half. --Molly R

Goldfish

28/12/18 12:00:56

lol

''Sod the Milk Tray. Get me back to the surface.''

14/12/18 12:35:23

''Oops, I've dropped the baby down the toilet.''

15/11/18 12:03:43

"I baptize you Floaty McFloatface." --Karyn Harrison

clever

A recent survey suggests that 3 out of 10 people have difficulty opening Windows.

12/08/18 7:08:57

As he walked through the back streets of Marseille, Pierre began to notice some pain underneath his right arm.

17/06/18 11:02:18

Pantyhose

19/02/18 8:02:57

''If you want some action, fellas, just give me a ring.''

07/01/20 8:02:50

''Sarge, we've got the right Donald.''

''OK, let the Duck go.''

30/11/19 9:07:50

NO KITE FLYING

07/11/19 12:02:05

clever

The Sty At Night

19/10/19 7:00:15

''Why am I under arrest?''

''You're wearing a loud shirt in a quiet neighbourhood.''

10/09/19 11:05:35

''No, darling, I said you needed to put a coat on.''

31/07/19 11:41:45

lol

''Isn't that typical? You go for a coffee and when you get back some c*nt is sitting in your seat.''

29/07/19 19:04:15

lol

Shoppers run for cover as plague of moths hits city centre.

26/07/19 11:08:10

Inkling

23/07/19 7:04:57

''She's wanted dead or alive. There's a price on her head.''

07/07/19 19:28:38

The Nan In The Iron Mask

26/04/19 12:26:21

''Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!''
''What's that noise?''
''It sounds like The Speaker.''

08/04/19 7:21:40

clever

''They always come to Sainsbury's with me. They collect the nectar points.''

04/04/19 7:04:40

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

05/12/18 20:00:28

Shia delight

14/10/18 11:10:13

''Darling, when I said she wanted a Magnum.....''

25/09/18 19:47:49

Men Behaving Sadly

15/08/18 11:01:10

''Apparently, the company isn't doing very well. They've had to call in the receivers.''

19/06/18 12:36:14

''Open fire?''

''I prefer gas.''

04/12/19 8:19:11

Robber duck

29/11/19 12:36:55

''Did you have the vegan option for lunch?''

''Yes, he was delicious.''

20/07/19 11:16:56

Alcoholics Anonymous

06/07/19 7:31:39

Flushing Meadows

24/06/19 11:02:15

''Nan, do you have a sound system?''

''Yes, I take cod liver oil capsules everyday.''

24/03/19 8:32:50

Darth Spader

23/03/19 8:19:19

Land Phil

16/03/19 13:42:10

''We need to take Rex to the vets.''

19/02/19 8:01:15

clever

''We find that most visitors come to see George Best's liver.''

03/02/19 8:53:11

lol

''I've just come back from the doctors. I keep getting a ringing noise in my ear.''

01/02/19 12:05:08

Hound of the Maskervilles

20/01/19 12:01:17

Rebel Without A Claus

22/12/18 8:01:14

Scowl

23/10/18 11:00:08

Face painting

06/09/18 11:00:15

''Don't look so smug. The dart missed.''

11/08/18 20:11:51

This caption really leaves me wanting to know what happened next. --Pussy Galore

Lily spots a peeping tom.

27/07/18 7:00:19

Looks like urine agony.

06/06/18 7:16:30

lol

Budget cutbacks impact on Hitchcock remake.

06/03/18 13:29:43

Died in the wool

11/01/20 8:06:42

BREAKING NEWS: Corbyn quits Labour and joins Christmas Party.

30/12/19 12:01:19

''How much do you weigh?''

''Don't tell him, pike.''

15/12/19 12:23:58

I can't think of a caption. I'm hoopless at puns.

13/12/19 8:03:06

''You've got face on your egg.''

24/11/19 12:03:10

''And I've got a heavenly body.''

21/11/19 20:23:34

''Are you The Laughing Cow?''

''Not after reading these f-cking captions.''

01/11/19 8:25:48

Oh dairy me.. --stone face

Height of fashion

15/10/19 19:02:37

Salvation Army

12/07/19 7:18:07

''This is only the first, madam. There's going to be a packet of them.''

29/05/19 11:17:44

''Spoke On The Water''

24/05/19 19:09:27

''Don't worry, the picture will come back when the wind gets up.''

15/05/19 11:01:36

''Sorry, I can't speak at the moment. I have a frog in my throat.''

10/05/19 11:05:28

creative

Outside line

08/05/19 7:00:26

''I'm sorry, Jesus, we've run out of wine.''

''Don't worry. It's not a problem.''

07/05/19 11:07:20

''Darling, why didn't you use the Rolls?''

02/05/19 11:02:03

''Well done, Chris. You bastard.''

02/04/19 7:06:32

Twin Beaks

17/02/19 8:00:32

''It's one of The Joker's traps, Batman. This is Norfolk.''

29/01/19 8:02:34

Norfolk 'n beautiful women --Mr Dome

''I've just tested him for cat nip, Sarge. He's well over the limit.''

23/08/18 7:29:33

''An Even Better Day Out'' - Wallace & Gromit

01/08/18 11:12:05

Brushing twice a day helps prevent bum disease.

28/07/18 20:29:14

And irritable vowel syndrome. --Karyn Harrison

I knew she would never finish that jumper.

16/06/18 7:07:23

Headbutt

03/06/18 7:18:10

''Lean backwards - pass it on.''
''Lean backwards - pass it on.''
''Lean backwards - pass it on.''
''Lean backwards - pass it on.''
''Agh!''

05/01/20 20:23:17

Cycle of violence

26/11/19 20:00:47

That's one way to break it. --Scrijjy Doo

The Grand Old Duke Of Yorkie

19/11/19 8:10:42

He had ten thousand women. --Molly R

''The main course is cooked but I'm having problems with the starter.''

16/11/19 9:11:02

''Make up your mind. Are you going to help that old fart wrap up the presents or would you prefer a blow job?''

03/11/19 8:03:22

''Down, boy.''

24/10/19 11:00:59

Now available in pouches

22/10/19 19:01:19

''What! Sup Doc?''

21/10/19 11:21:10

It's a difficult photo but I'm still going to post something.

16/10/19 7:07:07

''Would you like some more fish, Tom?''

''No thanks, I'm stuffed.''

15/10/19 11:25:18

''It was a great shame about old John. He kicked the bucket getting into the bath.''

07/09/19 11:05:45

Another captioneer collapses with exhaustion after trying to think of something funny.

07/09/19 7:44:43

Bark and ride

27/08/19 11:00:17

She goes down nicely after a bottle of wine.

13/08/19 19:42:45

''You need to move that, mate. This is a no-fly zone.''

21/07/19 11:04:34

''OK guys, you've nailed that one.''

07/07/19 11:02:48

''I wonder if I'm sniffing the right end.''

07/07/19 7:04:42

No it taint. --Scrappy Doo

''What bigamy problem?''

20/06/19 11:06:32

''Never Mind The Horlicks''

09/06/19 20:24:37

''This is his favourite course. He just loves the greens.''

26/05/19 11:02:20

''And, furthermore, I find your captions only moderately amusing.''

13/04/19 7:12:34

D'or handles

13/02/19 20:00:59

''This sunburn is killing me. I should have married someone with bigger tits.''

18/01/19 20:28:17

''When happy hour starts there's usually a stampede.''

30/11/18 20:01:20

Raleigh discovers America

23/11/18 8:00:22

The poor birds have had the stuffing knocked out of them.

12/11/18 20:03:18

One Foot In The Gravel

09/11/18 12:01:30

''Miserable bastard! I only had one foot on the seat.''

22/10/18 7:29:54

Arctic Circle line

22/10/18 7:00:16

lol

He's definitely out according to Auk-Eye.

20/09/18 10:33:57

Underarm tactics

31/07/18 7:04:47

Whatever the opposition, Schwarber usually got the runs.

19/04/18 7:16:18

Being a Christmas tree decoration is not my day job. I'm moonlighting.

22/12/19 20:29:22

I'd write much better captions, if I only had a brain.

06/12/19 12:04:49

Not a man to be truffled with

19/11/19 8:06:27

''Why do you always sulk when you lose at musical chairs?''

15/10/19 7:09:59

''I need a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee. Pass it on.''
''Bob needs a pee.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''He should have gone before we set off. Pass it on.''
''You should have gone before we set off.''

14/09/19 7:41:21

Deadly emissions

12/09/19 19:00:44

Captured.Me

09/09/19 7:00:50

''Mummy needs to get some groceries, darling. Just play with yourself for a while.''

13/08/19 7:16:43

I'm all for dupe policing, but I think this one is fine. The potential for a masturbation based caption is pretty obvious, so it's hard to say only one captioneer is entitled to it. Other than that the joke is quite different. 20:00:09 could wor... --James Lennox

''How is Rex?''

''Not so good. A bit up and down.''

25/07/19 7:07:52

''The captioneers seem to be struggling. Why don't you take a photo of my bike?''

05/07/19 19:11:43

On the plus side you'll meet all your old flames.

03/07/19 7:03:49

Comic Relief

01/07/19 11:23:00

Head mice

03/05/19 11:00:14

Daniel Craig begins to regret turning down the next Bond movie.

04/01/19 20:11:31

04/01/19 8:00:44

28/10/18 20:45:05

09/10/18 19:00:36

New research proves that bottle fed babies are happier.

22/09/18 7:00:30

''I've got a new lead.''

08/08/18 11:01:32

''I've no idea what happened to Dorothy.''

15/07/18 7:19:10

''On reflection, let's go to the jewellers first.''

19/06/18 11:09:25

Good comment, Pussy. I hadn't seen it either. --Pete

Camerarderie

25/04/18 7:55:42

Crowds flock to see The Dying Scotsmen

22/03/18 8:30:02

28/12/19 20:16:09

21/12/19 20:00:18

18/12/19 12:01:22

18/12/19 8:01:42

Tory voters on their way to the polling station.

10/12/19 20:13:49

All voting for Brexit ... The eyes have it. --John Glover

Trump chains himself to the railings to protest against climate change protesters.

08/12/19 8:07:03

He was always one for the pot.

28/11/19 12:26:54

Dining car

16/11/19 8:00:30

''Second coming! Ready or not.''

07/11/19 20:29:25

This property is protected by Hawkeye Security Systems.

07/11/19 12:04:11

''Have you had a stroke?''

05/11/19 8:44:31

''Not another f-cking headache.''

02/11/19 20:21:47

Sadly, he was not cut out for the job.

02/11/19 12:00:24

''I've always liked a head on my beer.''

01/11/19 12:22:42

It didn't take him long to get her top off.

30/10/19 8:01:03

The Bone Ranger

23/09/19 7:06:01

''Are you the owner of this vehicle, sir?''
''Yes.''
''Can I have a go?''

19/09/19 20:31:58

Switch your computer on at 11.50 am. Stare at the photo, totally bemused. Then curse the bastards who voted for it. You know the drill.

17/09/19 11:16:34

One trip pony

23/08/19 19:59:46

''The milk comes in handy but I don't enjoy cleaning out its litter tray.''

11/08/19 7:35:34

Pubic transport

29/07/19 19:48:57

''Could you also take one of me eating your leg?''

22/07/19 19:28:54

''Darling, she's escaped from the freezer again.''

26/06/19 7:03:19

''I suspected she was cheating on me so I had her bugged.''

19/06/19 11:12:53

Nice and surreptitious, she'll never notice that. :D --Troompa Loompa

clever

Clare Balding

05/06/19 20:08:32

Jamie Oliver makes a last ditch effort to save his restaurant chain.

04/06/19 11:00:55

''Do you fancy a roll in the hay?''

01/06/19 7:28:47

King Arthur's army stay overnight in Tokyo.

23/05/19 11:05:18

more captions

last comments (total: 244)

First correct entrant in Gulliver's bum will receive a copy of "My Travels: This does look big."

James Lennox

16/12/19
10:37pm

comment on caption:
CHRISTMAS PUZZLE COMPETITION
Rearrange the following words to make a well known caption:
in does bum look my big this
First correct entrant will receive a copy of Gulliver's Travels. [Dave Bryan]

I feel absolutely ashamed of myself. I've spent all these months slagging off Anon and it turns out he's a really decent bloke.

(caption author)

17/12/19
4:01pm

comment on caption:
Corn crackers [Dave Bryan]

Beach Boys, nice. Another one of my favorites.

Willie Johnson

18/12/19
8:16pm

comment on caption:
Surfer Ghoul [Dave Bryan]

Not forgetting Dan & Bean

(caption author)

18/12/19
8:20pm

comment on caption:
Surfer Ghoul [Dave Bryan]

At least leave a window slightly open and have some water available.
And turn off the child safety lock, we all know he won't be able to shoot the windows out in an emergency.

Willie Johnson

19/12/19
3:58pm

comment on caption:
''Please remember not to leave stormtroopers in cars during the hot weather.'' [Dave Bryan]

Surfaris. Nice.

Willie Johnson

21/12/19
8:18am

comment on caption:
''I've come to 'Wipe Out' the local population.'' [Dave Bryan]

It's Cracker Jack!