Tim was his own worst enema.

10/11/11 20:32:19

Play penne

21/11/11 21:23:44

That's how you bowl a maiden over.

20/08/11 15:28:23

clever

You'll be happy to know, Mrs. Taylor, that your husband gave you his car in the settlement.

24/02/16 4:05:20

A novel way to travel

19/03/12 20:05:26

We should go over to the new neighbours and break the ice.

17/12/11 15:34:59

It's the feet, mate. They create unrealistic expectations.

21/10/11 14:23:29

Man's best friend and some sort of terrier.

08/08/11 12:51:10

Dan, what the fuck happened last night?

06/02/13 8:29:46

Abdominal snowman

17/11/12 20:09:32

Anything smaller is just a wannabee.

20/12/11 21:06:38

The difference between really good luck and really bad luck is whether you're snowed in the day before or after your mother in law comes to visit.

17/12/11 15:45:28

Oh darn, here comes my gynaecologist.

26/11/16 12:29:12

Head over wheels

04/04/12 16:22:44

The bus driver was suspended.

28/03/12 16:18:05

Oh come on now, it's just a little allergic reaction.

18/10/11 5:51:02

That was Sally in her prime, before she went cuckoo.

31/12/15 15:44:24

It's like trying to put a round Greg in a square hole

28/06/14 7:14:58

Whoa, whoa, she slept with me, I didn't sleep with her!

29/08/13 15:59:44

Hey Bro, I didn't say I could do photography, I just said it would be a walk in the park.

16/12/11 21:52:05

"Oh shit, now what?" thought Tom.

22/05/14 12:38:24

R2 brie2

10/03/14 19:10:32

His cousin is a handbag

11/03/13 21:23:59

I shouldn't have smoked that tumble weed.

06/11/12 21:11:24

Sometimes you treat me as if I'm part of the furniture.

18/03/12 20:02:36

Birds of a feather flock to Trevor.

16/03/12 14:47:54

That's when Dad's clever idea to buy the cheapest water pistol backfired.

30/12/11 23:32:12

I'm sorry Phil, but I like Lance a lot.

27/12/11 16:28:28

While certainly intriguing, it did not really add to the bird in the hand vs. two in the bush debate.

12/12/11 14:29:48

He had it all figured out: lights, camera, action.

17/11/11 20:47:49

Buying oceanfront property in Thailand over the internet seemed like a good idea at the time.

02/11/11 22:14:22

Doing her business.

06/10/11 13:05:46

Krispy Kreme collects on some unpaid tabs.

24/08/11 15:08:20

Just yesterday I was still shoeing the beggars away.

07/02/16 8:12:45

I miss the old days when Star Wars villains were less complex.

25/01/16 20:57:11

creative x2

Martha Stewart rule #7: what to do in a suicide bombing: "So the pie isn't perfect? Cut it into wedges. Stay in control, never panic."

05/11/14 22:23:03

creative

Bob, I'm not accusing you, but I feel like you put your hobbies ahead of my needs.

30/01/16 17:24:34

Next time can we just bring Muhammad to the mountain?

27/01/16 6:20:34

Look Mom, no fans.

27/12/15 20:17:35

Stiff upper lips

20/08/13 5:15:20

Three days into the honeymoon June caught her husband Fred-handed.

30/04/12 15:15:15

Tim was going through a rough patch.

21/04/12 18:58:24

Oh no, don't take off your clothes, you're way past your prime mate.

08/04/12 1:33:51

Damn, I could have sworn it was the right leg, sorry to wake you Mr. Davis.

17/03/12 22:06:30

What he needs is a coat of arms.

31/12/11 11:33:09

Shop as long as you want, Dear. I'll be in this one.

30/12/11 21:30:09

The town prides itself on its model citizens.

26/12/11 16:15:04

Here's something until you get back on your feet.

25/12/11 16:00:02

Soccer for punishment

13/12/11 15:01:00

After 17 marriages and 1584 children, life had taken a toll on Nemo.

24/11/11 6:02:07

Uh-oh, why is she straining?

21/11/11 22:37:20

The Harry Potter book said "a clove" of garlic but Edna wasn't taking any chances.

09/11/11 22:49:41

Gnome is hoping for some fairy tail.

25/10/11 21:38:21

"800 thread count, this shirt. Feel it. The smartest thing I ever did was getting a job at the plutonium plant. The money's insane."

19/10/11 15:19:44

Quack the Ripper

20/09/11 13:19:34

Sir, where have you been applying the male enhancement cream?

03/09/11 16:06:00

Doctor, are you sure it's pink eye?

28/11/16 16:40:59

Kids, are you in the car yet? And did you put on your nice clothes for the passport photos?

17/11/16 7:06:19

Spontanus combustion

03/03/16 6:11:57

"Then she said in a husky voice, 'I wanna have your babies.'"

03/02/16 21:17:34

This wouldn't have happened if you'd used condiments.

09/12/15 23:16:33

Seventeen health code violations…that's it, Huang, your goose is cooked!

01/12/15 13:37:22

"Can you describe what you mean by explosive diarrhea, Mrs. Higgins?"

21/10/15 15:47:25

As my grandfather would say: that's disgusting, what kind of man grows his hair long like that?

14/07/14 7:20:05

creative

A picture says a thousand words, none of which are appropriate for this caption.

09/07/14 23:28:19

Free willy, courtesy of my cheating husband

02/07/14 16:48:38

Tired of digging, Pete tries to convince his kidnappers that the hole is big enough.

28/06/14 7:07:36

creative

"This is Lance Armstrong, leave a message after the beep..."
"Hi, Lance, I was hoping to catch you before your race. There may have been a mixup with your drugs..."

30/05/14 7:24:26

I bought my wife a stunning 18 carrot necklace.

05/03/14 7:34:01

OK kid, for the last time, where are the fish and chips?

01/08/13 8:00:14

Anorexia nersofa

19/11/12 22:00:42

Wolfgang always wanted to be a columnist.

06/11/12 14:57:00

Remarkable. Is she yours?
Yeah, I nailed her last night.

27/04/12 22:31:20

Toy Storey

24/04/12 14:18:55

My little yoni

03/04/12 13:59:08

Dough re mi

14/03/12 15:10:31

The Ford production line in 2032.

28/02/12 13:08:31

I hate Chinese toilets

22/02/12 22:46:18

Sue's canal

25/12/11 15:20:18

The fun run for the blind was unfortunately scheduled on April 1st.

09/12/11 21:57:36

Mom, this time I'm serious!
Don't do it, Son, wait! OK I'm ready.

29/11/11 22:27:16

This guy must have a big penis.

20/11/11 21:02:04

Sheryl Crow's daughter, Scare Crow, also just wants to have some fun.

06/09/11 14:22:31

Not the Best Western I've ever seen.

01/09/11 15:12:06

Call of doody

03/09/14 19:49:23

Please don't let the claw get me again. The surgeon in here is terrible.

14/07/14 7:22:02

"How many %$#@ years was I down there?" asked SuperMario

09/07/14 7:29:09

Gravity is still the biggest problem on Jupiter, but on the upside mobile phone reception is excellent.

26/05/14 15:39:36

Pyromaniacs Anonymous meeting tonight cancelled due to foreseen circumstances

26/05/14 15:32:18

International Pap smear day ... a simple poster would have sufficed.

19/10/13 2:03:46

Elton John is a lousy regifter

14/08/13 16:15:38

Bee witched

20/07/13 2:25:51

And where do you want the Darth Vader tattoo?

06/02/13 8:36:36

What a colourful bathroom: red urinals and a golden shower.

21/11/12 15:46:06

Outwitted by that bloody cat again!

14/11/12 15:09:10

That guy has some nerf

03/04/12 23:08:41

Older and boulder

29/03/12 12:20:45

Sorry, no speako Espaniel

24/03/12 15:30:45

Twisted Fister

28/02/12 20:31:29

The old geysers still have something left in them.

21/02/12 20:23:33

One flew over the cuckoo's nest, one didn't.

29/12/11 21:37:30

Dear Santa. All I want for Christmas is for Dad's camera to break.

25/12/11 22:40:24

After banning peanuts, perfumes, shampoo, gluten and paper glue the school changed its approach to Stevie's allergy problems.

14/12/11 3:55:22

How's the convertible working out for you?

08/12/11 22:36:01

What part of Truck Stop didn't you understand?

04/12/11 14:44:03

A tile separation.

09/11/11 13:52:53

I can't believe it - the last missing piece of the Rosetta Stone.

22/09/11 15:26:10

You should duck tape that crack, Lady.

20/09/11 14:58:09

The ugly f*ckling

20/09/11 14:16:05

With flexible payment options

03/09/11 23:55:24

Chile's efforts to host the Olympics seemed a bit low budget.

25/08/11 15:30:47

Nibbler on the roof

01/12/16 6:31:36

Well, I did say I'd lose the weight if it was the last thing I ever do.

03/09/16 5:59:14

Stevie had finally found a cure for his ADHD.

28/08/16 16:24:54

Kirstie Alley's "before" underwear collection now available for public viewing.

27/08/16 0:54:39

God, look at you, and you've only been a pornstar for one day.

28/03/16 0:10:28

This trip cost me an arm and a leg.

10/03/16 6:48:44

Screw the car. I'm 83 and I just had a blowjob.

12/02/16 8:29:20

WTF Leonard, why do you still have the pizza with you, and why do you smell like shame and peanut butter?

26/01/16 15:03:35

"So where did you go for your bachelor's party?" asked Steven's fiancé.

07/01/16 8:42:48

Not bad, but I think I can trumpet.

31/12/15 22:53:51

Stephanie was never any good at tug jobs.

15/12/15 15:53:25

Barack? Interesting name. And where are you from sonny?

05/12/16 0:24:27

The ink work was one thing, but the tricky part was folding the door.

02/12/16 4:57:55

Excuse me Sir, you're sitting on my wife.

28/11/16 16:48:15

Mickey Rourke bashes Donald Trump. Man I'm so out of the loop, when did Disney characters get surnames?

19/11/16 5:51:07

Congratulations on your engagement, I hope you two...No, you know what, I'm sorry but I don't f•••ing understand objectophilia even a little bit!!

17/11/16 7:11:04

The time machine just needs a few final tweaks before it's made available to the public.

21/09/16 4:42:12

Shear terror

07/09/16 16:43:02

Wait till I get my hands on that so-called love guru.

03/09/16 5:51:40

So, what, you're going to jump out the window every time, Harry? And my mother doesn't barge in here ALL the time!

31/08/16 4:29:25

That's what you get when you fly through a 60 000 km radiation belt in a tin can.

16/07/16 2:17:29

And still there are some who say that the drug free Tour de France "lacks pizzazz".

15/07/16 4:52:19

Life's all rainbows and unicorns until the drugs wear off.

04/07/16 4:50:14

It says: "you are too drunk to drive because this is not a @$#% scale you idiot."

03/03/16 6:31:26

The street magician should always try to avoid tantrums, or at least make sure that the invisible thread is not caught in the audience's nickers.

26/02/16 19:21:37

2 out of 4 Mcdonalds customers can be classified as obese.

23/02/16 15:20:26

"Screw it," said Switzerland.

16/02/16 5:36:21

I should probably save it, but then I'd have to share it…unless I dig the hole all by myself…Nah, I'm just going to do what my gut tells me.

14/02/16 23:16:39

What happens in the VIP room of a Vegas strip club stays in the VIP room of a Vegas strip club.

11/02/16 7:32:58

Cryogenics: side effects may include confusion about why you suddenly look like a douche.

10/02/16 5:06:25

The designers must have been bonkers.

26/01/16 14:49:41

Johnny thought it was a rubbish truck.

24/01/16 15:45:14

No Misty, I'm not being insensitive, it's just that you're a @#$& squirrel and I don't think this is my kid.

15/01/16 4:06:56

Which #$&% Star Wars episode is this?

02/01/16 14:43:50

Despite high expectations Brokeback Mexico fails at the Box office.

31/12/15 23:04:41

Storm poopers

28/12/15 8:22:37

Timmy, stop clowning about!

01/12/15 18:17:23

"A curvaceous horny blonde who prefers boning younger men...is what it said on your profile"

29/11/15 9:37:13

"And if you're not completely satisfied you get a free cap"

21/10/15 15:49:07

No Fred, it's not too much to ask to spend the day shopping with your wife, and everyone here agrees with me.

28/08/14 18:29:37

Let's face it, we look like a couple of art holes.

08/07/14 1:53:55

In a press conference, Icelandic paediatric surgeon Brimir Ingeborgsen called the gastric bypass surgery on the three year old toddler "definitely necessary".

04/07/14 21:36:51

Ah, I love "Giving back to your employees" Day.

01/07/14 19:32:05

Also comes in yellow and red (seasonal)

22/06/14 14:20:54

Wet pea shirt contest

15/06/14 7:04:52

Is it just me or is Lesbian porn becoming more violent?

22/05/14 12:46:54

This here little investment is my mule ticket

05/03/14 7:26:31

Do you feel ducky, punk?

08/09/13 17:56:29

Ten years later "Everybody loves Robert including Debra so screw Raymond" struggles to get off the ground.

28/08/13 12:52:49

I know you're just a mom, but you suck at this game.

27/08/13 8:56:52

"You can ride them, you know" - that damn farmer sure pulled the wool over my eyes!

12/08/13 7:12:39

#$@% it, Lindsay Lohan, just pull yourself together!

11/08/13 12:35:05

Man, that stripper was greasy

02/08/13 2:41:02

Statue of limitations

18/07/13 0:47:15

So, you little rich prick, no windscreen wipers, no indicators, headlights...

22/05/13 1:14:02

Those damn New Zealanders! How long will the world look on?

22/04/13 3:44:06

Hello, is anyone here with me? Is this the f***ing pool of Bethesda or not?

11/03/13 21:33:06

Predickament

01/03/13 15:07:39

Shrek 5 was never going to be spectacular

22/02/13 16:07:54

Mayan your own business

11/02/13 13:45:32

Beauty and the yeast

12/11/12 15:45:06

Who spilled coffee on the carp pet?

03/11/12 12:35:21

Owe de toilette

15/10/12 4:05:28

OMG what are those two humans doing in that tunnel?

04/05/12 14:56:12

This bad boy is soon to be facing a battery charge.

14/04/12 20:09:43

"Never try to put a gay man in a straight jacket, you little twit!"

08/04/12 14:12:48

No, Ghandi, no! You're better than this.

08/04/12 14:07:09

"Mel Gibson, I am your father!"

01/04/12 21:23:34

Here comes the bribe.

22/03/12 20:11:33

I wanted to go parasailing, but they want a doctor's note that says I'm not pregnant.

08/03/12 20:53:13

Barbe-queue

06/03/12 21:13:08

F-L-O-U-R, flower.
Sorry, that is incorrect.

06/03/12 14:55:52

Spring festival

04/03/12 15:09:03

We are brothers who were born on the same day, but that's the long and the short of it.

29/02/12 14:50:40

He saw his whole life flash in front of him.

27/02/12 21:48:16

Although it turned out to be the wrong type of swinger's club, Matt was relieved that the dress code was the same.

22/02/12 17:04:20

This must be another pipe dream.

17/02/12 20:01:06

Jesus didn't master walking on water overnight, you know.

16/02/12 0:23:07

The erection of the Bill Clinton monument came to an end when Hillary found out.

13/02/12 20:00:49

Mission Possible

02/02/12 22:59:22

Jackass Italiano

30/01/12 20:06:05

♪ Maybe tomorrow I'll think of a clever caption
Until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on. ♪

24/01/12 12:19:13

Plane Janes

12/01/12 22:50:57

Quail pattern baldness

11/01/12 14:52:35

Guess who got Nike Airs for Xmas.

06/01/12 14:00:22

As a honeymoon in Thailand worked out too expensive they settled for Barley.

05/01/12 13:02:59

How many Leia's in that cake?

03/01/12 15:23:21

The Chinese food chain

01/01/12 17:07:36

"It's a stream, Emily."
"Oh, like Netflix?"

25/12/11 15:47:13