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Chris Keegan

signed up: 1 year, 10 months ago
profile viewed: 3 time(s) this week
caption quota: 42
votes given since joining: 2,107
super vote quota: 16

profile photos send private message captions comments received

Top tip - If you answer the phone “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

Location: Windsor

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£50
WINNER

Reports are coming in stating Theresa May is back in Brussels making one last push to get a Brexit deal…

13/03/19 12:20:20

So that's why she had a sore throat.. --stone face

"Come on officer, I was only doing a fraction over"

17/09/18 12:00:08

The final episode of Peppa Pig

02/11/17 8:14:09

Convenience food.

21/04/19 14:14:53

When I suddenly saw this in the road I had to break fast.

05/03/19 8:00:15

"I'll have the table cloth please"

10/02/19 9:57:28

This was a tough pic. Well done. --James Lennox

No wonder it's tired, it came in at twenty to one.

16/12/18 12:00:20

I find it odd. --Scrappy Doo

15/04/18 20:04:11

Cash test dummies

12/05/19 20:21:22

"Borrow the car? Oh Philip, you do make one laugh sometimes"

16/02/19 12:00:07

It's a studio apartment.

26/04/18 8:00:11

Jack Knickerless

24/06/19 12:54:05

Panting by numbers

02/01/19 16:33:06

“It’s a lemon entry my dear Watson”

18/12/18 12:00:41

Reader's Digest

17/12/18 20:00:10

“Not tonight love, I've got a monumental headache”

29/11/18 12:02:47

"...mind if I grab your ASpirin?" --Greg Curtis

Bob Dylan videos aren't what they used to be..

06/06/19 9:23:56

"I suppose a blue job is out of the question?"

03/06/19 22:16:27

Happy hour wasn’t going well.

11/03/19 12:09:06

The Hound of Music

17/12/18 8:02:21

Took the mother in law out last night. First punch.

30/09/18 20:11:16

And I'm fryer tuck!

26/02/18 20:02:46

I don't usually do the dogs but I put a monkey on this one

23/02/18 20:11:31

30/05/19 8:00:10

He's a sh*t guitarist, but you should see him playing tennis

04/05/19 15:48:55

Love this --Mr Dome

The firing squad clearly have a sense of humour.

11/04/19 12:34:28

Beach trampolines - £5 for 5 minutes. Warning - Do not exceed your time.

06/04/19 9:06:37

It looks like Jones has scored.

11/03/19 8:06:13

"And would Sir like aperitif to go with your meal?"

19/11/18 20:01:18

Staff bullying should not be tolerated

15/10/18 12:00:12

Once again Gary was keen to illustrate how we are just one tiny part of the galaxy

29/06/18 21:21:07

Julie was beginning to regret buying her bras from Amazon.

04/06/19 22:19:52

Darling, could you just put the landing light on?

22/03/19 20:04:26

Global warming - It turns out the butler did it.

19/11/18 12:00:10

Don't you just hate it when things from Amazon are left outside?

13/10/18 9:11:35

Further tests reveal smoking definitely stunts growth

11/10/18 8:00:50

Darling, have you seen my Good Housekeeping mag anywhere?

09/08/18 8:09:35

“Darling, just to let you know, I’m bringing someone back for dinner tonight”

06/08/18 12:00:20

Black Friday and the wife is spending the whole bloody day online….

24/11/17 12:16:43

"Why the short face??"

19/07/19 8:00:34

Old. Fashioned.

04/05/19 8:14:34

"Darren, when I asked you to put the TV on...."

22/01/19 20:00:08

I just find at this time of year my colander gets really busy

19/12/18 20:01:32

No batteries required

12/10/18 8:00:11

Drawing eyes on a banana with a felt-tip pen so that it looks like a dolphin is very amusing and it gives me someone to talk to! --Karyn Harrison

It 's ever since i started them on Winalot.

22/08/18 8:13:01

05/08/18 8:00:11

Jesus, I really did upset her this time

13/06/18 8:06:42

06/05/18 12:00:07

Guys, 4 passengers is the max I'm allowed..what do you think this is..a bloody Tardis??

25/04/18 20:02:29

Fowling the pavement

05/11/17 21:17:57

09/08/19 21:33:36

"Quick Dave! Pull your trigger!!!"

26/05/19 8:34:33

"Yes love, it does"

02/04/19 12:02:41

Jesus Christ love, we're only going down the pub for a quick half!

21/01/19 20:06:32

And how was your Bernard Matthews turkey?

27/12/18 10:11:02

I laughed because I had both "bootiful" and "tough as old boots" pop into my head at the same instant! --Molly R

Good old Dave, he spent so long attempting to chip his ball out of the bunker he moved in.

20/11/18 13:50:19

It took me a while to get through that beer but the wife's Christmas present is sorted.

28/10/18 20:02:47

Come on guys, you can clearly see he was down first when the music stopped

03/10/18 20:00:24

At least we were spared the photo of him in the dump truck

30/09/18 12:00:42

James Exceled at swimming.

29/09/18 20:09:59

15/09/18 8:26:44

I personally didn't like their kitchen but it takes allsorts...

21/11/17 8:16:32

"So how often are these horrendous nose bleeds?"
- "About once a month"

29/07/19 20:09:36

This kinda joking has to stop, PERIOD. --Greg Curtis

I wish I'd been arrested while walking down the aisle.....

21/05/19 10:36:13

Pete's waiting for his swimming coach

27/04/19 12:24:20

"This is unusual Mrs Jones, it's usually your husband I pick up with some bird"

25/04/19 20:08:37

"Sorry love, I just can't make up my mind. Can you try the flying ducks again?"

13/04/19 19:02:22

What a fab idea, sham poo on tap.

01/03/19 8:21:53

Meanwhile, at the County Fair, the 'guess my dress size' attraction was proving popular.

21/02/19 12:11:06

Following increased security, Police foil suspected terrorist gang.

02/02/19 20:33:04

"And that's why, at this point of every month, I start shouting at the two of you"

26/01/19 10:20:19

13/01/19 12:54:37

Gardeners World Raining Champion.

05/12/18 20:00:44

Cat on a hot bin roof

21/11/18 8:00:07

It's a brick wall son, a bit like talking to your father.

20/10/18 8:06:54

"You'll never guess who I bumped into today while having a fag break"
- "Who?"
"Everyone"

14/09/18 13:07:20

"Errr, guys, sorry you'er not quite in the centre..it's just a jump to the left"...

23/05/18 8:00:28

This morning a TV crew forced their way into a flat. It's break in news.

26/04/18 8:22:28

Darling...don't you think it's time to cut the lawn..

23/03/18 12:09:29

A night on the tiles

02/03/18 12:05:03

Alternatively: a mite on the tiles --Dave Bryan

"Have you seen that new film about UFO's?"
"No, but I've seen the trailer"

10/02/18 12:09:18

06/12/17 16:02:06

"Guys, do you think you could possibly stagger your fag breaks?"

31/07/19 8:09:41

A splendid example of the theory of gravititty.

03/06/19 12:00:16

Sorry, no caption from me, I don’t accept cookies.

13/05/19 12:29:13

Good grief. A cyclist that's actually gone through a green.

23/03/19 12:37:10

The Vend is Nigh

10/01/19 21:28:24

I'm telling you, you don't want to mess with the traffic wardens round here...

04/12/18 12:30:13

May I suggest that health and safety within sport has got a little over ambitious.

20/11/18 8:02:16

By jove! He's got some LED in his pencil!

06/10/18 13:04:46

A passing hand Sheik

13/09/18 20:00:12

Yeah, as it happens I'm a bit of a Marvel in the kitchen

05/09/18 20:17:06

06/08/18 8:02:14

They've been introduced for cyclists to avoid confusion. Apparently they both mean go.

07/06/18 12:00:43

Sorry it's a little under done, it kept switching the bloody gas off

26/05/18 9:07:07

I love the image this conjures up! :D --Pussy Galore

On reflection Dave wished he had held on to the zip wire

17/05/18 12:04:18

Brian has an obsession with the photography of head lice

31/03/18 8:43:59

31/01/18 20:18:32

"I'd help him across the road, but I can't swim"

19/06/19 20:06:08

Thanks Michael! --Chris Keegan

"Yes love, I know I promised to do the gardening while you were out, and yes, I've got the football on, but quite remarkably, just as I started, a bunch from The Royal Horticultural Society came by and said our weeds are of significant historical interest an sealed them off. Now, tell me more about this headache that suddenly developed last night?"

02/05/19 20:04:38

One minute she was tightening the air bag compartment, then....

09/03/19 18:15:11

A rare photograph from one of her B movies.

25/02/19 21:02:45

It's clear that some are travelling with one piece of hand baggage while wearing the contents of a bloody suitcase.

03/02/19 20:56:35

Oh, Victoria Beckham, you clever girl. :^) --Crunchy Chords

29/01/19 8:23:06

Shops like this should be condomed

19/01/19 14:09:36

"Darling, I think the dog wants to go out"

24/11/18 20:01:18

20/11/18 20:16:08

"Sarah love, are you still in the toilet?"

31/10/18 8:01:22

National Rail finally admit the temperature on board their trains during winter months may not be adequate

22/10/18 9:25:39

Darling, I think you may have overdone the fresh pine toilet cleaner

02/09/18 8:52:42

13/08/18 12:03:54

"Darling, when you organised it to be installed while I was away, are you sure you clearly said satellite DISH??"

10/06/18 12:07:11

"When you said it might be nice to have the neighbours round for supper.. "

03/06/18 12:00:08

Bloody right! They'll burn just as well.

15/05/18 8:00:09

They clearly don't keep off the grass..

24/03/18 14:04:30

Thank you for your application to work with us at Mothercare however on this occasion....

07/01/18 12:04:41

Bloody hell! And all I did was to put the toilet seat down for once!

08/12/17 8:07:07

07/12/17 20:01:41

Oh dear, the end of another week and my instrument panel shows only 26 votes from my 78,998 captions and I'm running very low on humour.

03/08/19 12:01:45

All they wanted was to go home. Knight after Knight they went to bed in tiers.

23/05/19 12:11:13

Darling, Rex is at it yet again, could you ring my mobile and make his day.

19/05/19 8:21:14

17/05/19 12:41:59

11/05/19 12:10:37

"Gran, when I said you need to Spice up your life..."

04/05/19 8:29:42

"You and your bloody dyslexia...I told you to get a new loo seat from
M & S!!!"

24/04/19 8:50:36

Dad hasn't quite got the hang of rock, paper, scissors yet.

20/03/19 8:18:38

It's a monument to the very spot where I met my beloved wife. I thought it was only fair that others should have a chance of being under it.

19/03/19 18:48:07

He did such a good job clearing up I gave him a tip.

16/03/19 12:04:28

“Hi Darling, did you get my note about letting the cat out and changing the baby?”
- “SHIT!!”

15/03/19 12:37:38

"Bless him, he rocks himself to sleep most nights"

09/02/19 12:01:12

"I knew there was something different, you've had highlights"

21/01/19 20:09:30

Welcome to the Department of Equal Opportunities

14/01/19 8:19:12

♪ Ohhhh, we do like to be beside the seaslide ♪ ♪

22/11/18 12:00:06

Initally I didn't get it, but we do seem to be playing better since Wayne Sleep came in as manager.

23/10/18 8:02:07

Good old Essex girls. So often found wearing jeans around their ankles.

16/10/18 20:00:08

"Well hello girls...fancy coming back to mine? The sink's blocked"

15/10/18 20:01:41

Alcoholics anonymous

15/10/18 8:03:28

Good old Mr Wallace. He was such an enthusiastic teacher he constantly wanted to be the first to answer his own questions.

09/10/18 20:01:13

it's the "Good old Mr Wallace" that makes this caption. --Charles Gleason

"I guess I've just got that sixth sense Sarg, there are definitely signs that suggest this could kick off."

27/09/18 8:00:31

Everyone is hoping that Grimsby’s Christmas lights will be a little better this year

07/06/18 13:30:54

Kevin drank to forget. But couldn't remember why.

29/04/18 12:54:24

18/03/18 20:03:06

Ouch...that was some club last night

18/03/18 12:14:48

13/02/18 8:27:28

Sorry sir...This area is coned off

09/02/18 8:03:02

Archeologists discover Grimsby. Apparently, apart from Woolworths closing down and a few more charity shops nothing has changed for over 2000 years.

08/08/19 20:47:25

Bugger, it's her shout

24/07/19 20:08:33

When I said make yourself comfortable....

08/07/19 20:11:48

There's a first, the Green Party are a head

14/06/19 21:05:04

She’s usually a particularly well behaved guide dog, but when the bride assured Mark that she was down to a stunning size 12 for the big day Coco seemed somewhat amused

01/05/19 12:01:59

French Police are being condemned for the over use of water cannons on demonstrators in Paris.

21/03/19 8:02:45

“How will I recognise you?”

28/01/19 10:20:53

Apparently he cut himself saving

12/01/19 19:05:28

"So Tom, what do you think of your new Step Dad"?

17/10/18 12:00:25

That bloody cop tried to stop me again last night, cheeky bugger shouted pullover! I haven’t even finished his scarf yet.

15/08/18 13:28:50

I'm beginning to seriously regret sending my daughter to bookkeeping classes.

30/06/18 9:02:27

My wife has SO many pairs of shoes, she must have hundreds and thousands.

28/05/18 9:22:32

Gillette recall their new 32 blade razor due to customer complaints

04/04/18 20:47:01

21/03/18 12:05:19

12/03/18 8:05:12

When swimming with sharks one should always take precautions

10/03/18 8:11:23

I immediately recognised the challenge of getting on with the in laws

29/01/18 8:07:02

09/01/18 8:12:48

23/12/17 13:17:44

The sun obviously does shine out of it, at least the moths thought so…..

26/07/19 12:01:15

"And have you ever used an electric toothbrush before?"

20/07/19 14:29:18

Take your pick.

19/06/19 8:24:24

"I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to denture car"

10/06/19 20:00:08

Beat me to it by a few seconds so had to change mine and vote for yours. :D --Troompa Loompa

08/06/19 20:00:23

Threat A Manger

04/06/19 12:02:27

“I totally get this masterpiece, it clearly represents the fragile earth we live on and the hidden inner machinery of politics which is gradually destroying it”
- “Mate, it’s an old section from the boiler room waiting to be collected”

23/05/19 9:56:16

I've woken up with worse - said the cat.

01/04/19 8:39:40

I guess, as erections go, it could have been worse.

19/03/19 12:42:27

Ralph Lauren clearly recognise that their customer base is ageing by providing crutches for browsing.

27/02/19 9:32:40

“And Adams hits the deck after a monumental blow to the head…”

26/02/19 12:00:46

Paul's diet half killed him.

25/02/19 8:00:54

Apparently it's Leslie Phillips place

15/02/19 12:00:10

Ding dong! --Dave Bryan

Bridget wasn't convinced she wanted to marry him. She needed to be shore.

19/01/19 9:02:40

“What’s your handicap Dave?”
- “I keep falling off”

07/01/19 12:03:40

“When I said I’m on my way, you can put the dinner on….”

03/01/19 12:00:34

It's so good to see Simon coming out of his shell.

02/01/19 20:00:11

So did Santa leave anything nice in your stocking this year Dave?

29/12/18 12:50:02

There's much controversy over the new cycle lanes for mountain bikers.

15/12/18 9:44:17

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!

08/12/18 12:01:41

They're actually a Heavy Metal Band.

01/12/18 12:03:16

This does not reflect well.

28/10/18 13:00:41

Thanks - I like that very much more! --Molly R

18/10/18 20:00:08

Sod the bloody car...where's my dog going to piss in the morning??

13/10/18 20:14:50

Darling, I know you've always done it, but isn't it about time to stop taking her out on Mother's Day?

11/10/18 20:02:12

He's the groom.

26/09/18 20:00:11

It really is quite tragic, they all died from a stroke.

06/09/18 12:00:27

It 's a tad extreme but Pablo never suffered from constipation again.

22/07/18 10:03:27

I'm forever telling her she looks like a real tit going out with oven her gloves on

11/06/18 20:00:06

21/05/18 8:00:08

Pete was desperately looking forward to happy hour.

29/04/18 12:32:18

Found this old photo of the wife the other day...I must admit that I had forgotten just how much she suited a waist and jaw line.

27/04/18 8:11:58

27/03/18 8:10:08

Disappointment when all of England's aging hurdle team stall at the first jump

15/02/18 8:34:34

Or maybe they have - from a defibrillator? --Mr Dome

Acting on a tip off

13/02/18 8:13:06

04/02/18 20:01:31

last comments (total: 210)

She should use a eye pad.

[anon]

29/07/19
8:17pm

comment on caption:
"So how often are these horrendous nose bleeds?"
- "About once a month" [Chris Keegan]

This kinda joking has to stop, PERIOD.

30/07/19
2:55am

comment on caption:
"So how often are these horrendous nose bleeds?"
- "About once a month" [Chris Keegan]

They temporarily disappeared in a cloud of smoke when everyone exhaled at once.

[anon]

31/07/19
8:58am

comment on caption:
"Guys, do you think you could possibly stagger your fag breaks?" [Chris Keegan]

Fun Fact: There aren't any good anagrams for "dump". (Or for "Grimsby" either, I would suspect.)

[anon]

02/08/19
12:13pm

comment on caption:
Welcome to Grimsby, as long as you're not fussy the birds still flock there. [Chris Keegan]

What the flock?

02/08/19
2:40pm

comment on caption:
Welcome to Grimsby, as long as you're not fussy the birds still flock there. [Chris Keegan]

26 votes. Very impressive!

[anon]

04/08/19
2:01am

comment on caption:
Oh dear, the end of another week and my instrument panel shows only 26 votes from my 78,998 captions and I'm running very low on humour. [Chris Keegan]

Wicked yet funny. Or at least I thought so.

[anon]

05/08/19
8:26am

comment on caption:
"Yes, the condom broke and your mother died while having an organism, so get over it and I'll have mine well done" [Chris Keegan]

Got to admit, she's taking that dump pretty well.

[anon]

06/08/19
1:00pm

comment on caption:
While I've heard of singles meeting each other in the supermarket it's unusual to be dumped. [Chris Keegan]

You mean "udder side"?

[anon]

Sunday
8:38am

comment on caption:
What's on the other side? [Chris Keegan]

Hey, hey wadda ya say
Let's all write in bird of pray
(or some other reasonable facsimile thereof)

[anon]

Thursday
12:08pm

comment on caption:
Pray of bird (at least it’s different!) [Chris Keegan]