lol

"Do you mind...? I work nights, you know."

28/02/19 20:54:27

£50
WINNER

"Why are you upset...? I said 'I'd give you a ring from Cartier'."

03/09/19 13:31:20

clever x4

Dave, a budding photographer, really hoped the bird would fly off so he could take a better shot

11/06/18 20:39:08

One of my rasher purchases

01/09/18 8:23:17

Clearly they have some very bright pupils

30/08/18 20:25:06

Fried and gone to heaven

27/08/18 12:16:33

lol

"Mum... The dog's eaten all the cheese and pineapple

01/04/17 8:22:41

lol

I can't see the point of these

08/09/18 20:04:05

lol

Dave's action shot was ruined by a bunch of dorks

01/04/20 8:16:50

I know the name but I don't recognize their faeces

07/04/19 20:13:06

creative

♪ Sisters are doing it for their selfies ♪

27/08/18 20:09:05

"Anyone ready for craps in the lounge?"

22/08/18 8:33:16

lol

Dave's dad hadn't quite grasped the rudiments of 'Spin The Bottle'.

18/01/17 20:08:11

He's become part of the furniture...

08/07/19 20:14:31

lol

"Love, you sure that new washing powder is colour-safe?"

16/06/19 20:39:27

For the fashion-conscious deep sea diva

02/03/19 10:17:32

"Well, I've had Stella, Brandy, Margarita, Sherry, Shandy, Chardonnay, Tia and Maria. I s'pose I must've asked for it."

19/01/19 14:14:59

A fishful of dollars

28/12/18 12:08:51

"I tried lifting a mini once - I got slapped across my face"

07/12/18 13:35:03

clever

Sagittarius: You're feeling a strong urge to share your load but be careful or your hard work may go down the pan. Today's lucky number: 2.

05/09/17 9:11:00

"OMG! The snow plough's coming!"

06/12/16 8:08:11

He knows all the short cuts

13/09/19 20:43:39

clever

Mystery tour

04/07/19 8:32:22

"Oh Officer, am I in hot water?"

29/06/19 20:56:00

clever

"I'm just going out for a quick spin"

06/03/19 8:22:17

creative

"Ah, Saturday morning. I fancy a fly-up."

12/11/16 8:37:22

"Dave, when I said 'Bring a chick to the party'..."

28/03/20 8:23:23

Ergh! Get an alley...

22/03/20 20:08:57

"No ketchup, thanks"

22/02/20 18:34:09

Grounded hog day

13/12/19 20:28:02

lol

"...and so I said 'OK princess...but look...no tongues'"

06/09/19 10:36:50

-"He looks a bit rough today."
-"Yeah, he went out last night."

30/05/19 8:32:49

"I'm sorry but I'm out at the moment, please leave a message"

08/05/19 8:10:57

Holy cow!

12/01/19 20:07:58

"What a rubbish fancy dress party... there's no atmosphere."

24/10/18 20:23:09

Mr Hubbard loved surprising his wife

12/09/18 8:13:52

Beef encounter

22/07/18 9:58:23

creative x2

Young Akito here, was 7 yrs old when he set off with his pet to Show and Tell. The Truancy Officer has been informed.

22/02/18 8:58:04

A pecker on the cheek

07/01/18 13:21:24

"It looks like the printers are on strike again, dear"

17/08/17 8:46:38

"Would someone please lay the table?"

11/08/19 14:12:11

lol

"Love, at least you can reach the top shelf now."

23/06/19 20:30:46

Is it cos I is ginger?

09/04/19 8:47:30

"What happens if you pull this ro- "

23/01/19 20:26:18

lol creative

Police release CCTV footage of savage wart removal attack on Nanny McPhee

18/01/19 9:35:15

Bearbeque

27/11/18 20:41:49

I couldn't decide which top to wear so I wore them all

28/10/18 20:27:49

creative

Visitors to the Horticultural Show were treated to a moving display of Heather, Jasmine, Poppy, Violet, Daisy and Petunia.

14/09/18 11:10:23

Keeping abreast with the latest novels

15/10/17 20:17:33

Goes well with his mousetache

28/07/17 8:11:28

It's a dump

09/03/20 8:24:20

"...and so we called her Carrie"

22/11/19 8:36:14

A 'shroom with a view

07/10/19 10:11:43

I wouldn't - he's a bit of a knob

10/09/19 20:24:29

Dave worked tirelessly to rid caption.me of bicycles

10/07/19 20:52:07

Bumming a ride

04/06/19 11:03:44

clever

-"Mine tells me my heart rate, blood pressure and BMI. It's also a step counter, a route planner and weather predictor. What does yours do?"
-"Moob support"

27/03/19 9:07:35

'Mummy's purse will be safe here.'

17/01/19 20:07:18

*Thinks* 'So much better than a car window'

13/01/19 20:49:58

He's hoping this style will take off

06/01/19 8:03:50

Where there's muck there's ass

30/11/18 8:04:34

No need to stop - you're being waved through.

05/11/18 12:03:48

Party pupa

29/08/18 9:47:06

A bug's wife

16/12/17 13:58:48

Dressed to kill

18/05/17 13:45:59

clever

'The greedy cow can go without her Milk Tray,' thought Eddie.

11/04/17 21:40:32

Rooms with a hue

08/10/16 13:54:53

Sales slump

04/10/16 20:00:20

lol

'It looks like your nan's going for a number two.'

10/09/16 8:09:30

"Thank you, yes I do have a fine pair of thighs, don't I, monsieur?"

17/02/20 16:43:32

Melody can play any tune off the top of her head

28/01/20 11:06:32

When I asked her who the father was she clammed up

18/01/20 8:17:48

Give us a push

16/11/19 12:03:26

I think it needs a hug

06/11/19 8:52:11

That's novel - a bird trying to pull Dave

31/05/19 12:30:21

"We'll get you out, mate...Don't fret"

18/04/19 8:24:02

lol

♪ Dove don't live here anymore ♪

07/04/19 18:39:59

Tweetie Bye

07/04/19 13:17:10

That's definitely not somewhere I'd keep my banana

10/02/19 20:19:33

"I'll just stop for a snack, then I'll carrion."

20/11/18 20:06:36

The race was on. No-one likes being late for bingo.

08/06/18 21:01:31

It always makes people smile

13/05/18 21:01:08

lol

She doesn't comb here often

12/05/18 16:47:32

She used to be all fingers and thumbs... it's no longer a problem

24/02/18 22:01:10

Arm chair

30/08/17 20:56:24

Which one's Prince Charmin?

27/04/17 20:14:07

Tripli Kate

02/04/17 9:14:41

Cool! No plugs, cables or batteries. Someone should have invented this ages ago.

09/03/17 9:52:17

"Mummm! Look what the cat's dragged in..."

20/11/16 20:15:16

"He's always trying to outshine his brother"

19/10/16 21:33:58

Ian was very proud of his big pecker

13/09/16 21:16:18

"Turn over, ladies, I also play the bazookas."

19/03/20 8:27:56

Seconds later the bloke behind knocked her chair and she went arse over tit

21/01/20 8:07:01

'Hmm, I bet it's full of carp'

20/10/19 10:12:53

Blooming anarchist

14/10/19 20:38:02

"Old man, would you like me to help you cross the road?"

17/02/19 10:18:48

"We were victims of a property slump"

11/02/19 21:12:02

He must be going to Bury

03/08/18 9:35:45

'Kids should be seen and not herded'

09/11/17 8:20:15

The final of 'Don't Step on the Cracks' was hotting up

27/09/17 8:50:47

Andy's talking out of his backside again

16/07/17 20:13:33

♪Tow, tow, tow your boat gently down the street...

31/03/17 8:18:52

"Don't trust her! She's always going back on her word."

11/02/17 12:28:27

Caught short

23/01/17 8:24:36

The black one is a higher car

01/11/16 8:13:54

The speed Mr Timpson was cycling at really set the tongues wagging

24/10/16 20:20:38

Old habits die hard for Michael Flatley

18/10/16 14:41:35

Cured

24/02/20 15:50:38

clever

Frosty was later arrested for flashing

11/01/20 12:09:18

"Look at 'em, poor sods...tied to their computers, writing captions all day."

04/01/20 13:47:17

It's not that big - it's only a five pounder!

15/12/19 16:33:10

A room with a flue

13/11/19 14:33:28

Bed and breakfast?

20/10/19 14:49:20

"Could I photograph your fascinating chin please? They love things like that on caption.me."

03/10/19 11:11:04

"He told me not to disturb him. Apparently, he needs 'space'."

21/08/19 13:02:29

So, don't have sex at home

03/07/19 8:02:25

Waterway to pose!

29/06/19 8:13:39

"Son, I think you should beheading off to school."

09/05/19 15:57:19

"Can we arrest a wall, Sarge?"
"Well, it is causing an obstruction."

24/01/19 8:11:33

"You're late! The dog's in your dinner."

18/01/19 13:33:52

He needs to alter the flutter speed

10/12/18 8:17:50

"Ballet my arse," moaned Jim Royle. "Be more bloody manly... like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Try the lift - I'll be Baby."

03/11/18 21:34:18

"...so, Mr Chairman, we believe we may have some sort of mole within the company."

03/11/18 13:48:26

Bruce Wayne wasn't too sure about his new tailor

30/10/18 8:31:09

'Pah... Amateur,' thought Fido. 'He hasn't cocked his leg.'

27/10/18 21:00:01

He was about to find out he'd married a right nag

26/09/18 20:02:24

"What a delightful estate and such a charming gardener."

25/09/18 8:35:56

Simbaotic relationship

15/09/18 8:42:11

What do you call a group of hats...? A fedoration.

19/06/18 20:50:30

Must be an extraction fan

21/05/18 16:50:38

Some people just have to milk every photo opportunity

15/05/18 14:04:16

lol

It was pot luck night at the tanning salon

06/04/18 15:36:23

Ah, here's lunch. Careful with the camera... we'll put it on eBay later.

02/02/18 13:36:08

She looks full of it

31/01/18 20:19:51

I'm not sitting here any more, I'm bordeaux this

12/12/17 21:00:39

Well dear, I think that's the last of the Trick or Treaters

06/11/17 8:20:39

Bob

18/10/17 20:11:51

"Doggone it! That's 119 missed lampposts."

17/10/17 14:11:30

Trev tried to hide behind his respectable day job but everyone knew he was really a troll.

05/10/17 11:12:27

With her new vision aids, Cynthia felt that she'd turned a corner

09/07/17 8:46:24

"The Anger Management Classes are this way."
"No, they're not, they're down that road."
"I'M EFFING TELLING YOU, THEY'RE THIS EFFING WAY!"

15/02/17 11:18:53

Let the dog-washing commence

14/02/17 14:14:27

They were definitely in there when we set off

04/02/17 8:01:51

lol

Big Ed!

20/12/16 8:00:15

A gas trick delight?

02/12/16 9:53:18

'Did someone just pin the tail correctly?'

15/10/16 8:26:36

Postal Strike!

25/08/16 12:29:21

Back off! Me don't want siblings...

20/03/20 8:35:03

"The missus treats me like a dogsbody"

12/03/20 12:42:35

"Dave, when I said 'Take a seat'..."

21/02/20 8:13:52

"...and here's Fay with her latest squeeze."

09/02/20 14:43:44

'Darn sight tastier than that crap the old woman sells for tuppence a bag,' Peter thought.

03/10/19 14:46:05

"Sir, that's not the handbrake"

01/10/19 20:16:27

I hate window shopping

17/08/19 13:45:03

Eddie Van Halen a taxi

04/05/19 14:21:36

lol

"I fake tanned before I came out, okay?"

01/03/19 21:31:34

lol

Helicopter hairdos are more prone to crash landings

06/01/19 14:09:21

"Hah! That's the last time he'll try to p-p-p-pick me up..."

20/09/18 8:05:55

"Huh, what's this paper stuff? I heard her bag's full of bread."

31/08/18 8:15:17

Tittoo

10/08/18 8:13:47

It's generally easier swimming with currants

26/07/18 21:04:01

Walls have fears

15/06/18 18:37:28

Nora Batty

05/04/18 8:42:19

She'd bagged herself a bloke

01/03/18 8:04:57

Having a skinful can be A positive experience

05/02/18 8:04:45

'Now,' pondered Miss Jones, 'Where is that file on "Acceptable Dress Policy and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace"?'

17/01/18 15:11:39

Satzoomer

09/01/18 8:40:06

Keeping her heir dry?

21/12/17 15:55:00

Waiting for a vote

09/12/17 10:21:59

- "Can I have my shirt back, Officer?"
- "Button it, Sonny."

06/10/17 15:42:00

"Yeah, sometimes she's putty in my hands but other times she can be a pane."

09/07/17 20:29:23

Dave hits the headlines

04/02/17 20:17:56

Len's waiting in the wing

10/01/17 19:22:43

"I'd try one, but I do think the little man on the top is rather garish!"

05/01/17 9:17:22

"New Year's resolution? To remember to put my top on before my early morning jog!"

02/01/17 8:01:31

"Don't mess with me Officer! I broke a nail doing the grocery shopping and I am NOT happy!"

30/12/16 11:11:56

lol

"Oooh Mabel, I'll race you to t'seefront!"

07/12/16 8:18:20

With a little more stretching he'll have jug ears soon

23/11/16 20:22:04

The town boasts a small car plant

09/10/16 20:47:02

'My other car's a shed!'

03/09/16 13:20:46

"Mate, we've bin friends for years, meeting up every Thursday, but I've just gotta ask...why do you wear your bow-tie as a moustache?"

Thu 8:45:32

"We shell find them on the beaches," said Winston Churchowl

27/02/20 10:58:16

Significantly entertain your pet for hours with this easy-to-make Cat Bowling Alley

26/02/20 21:34:03

He's having a blast

20/02/20 12:21:43

They were later charged with causing an obstruction

09/02/20 10:17:55

"Dad, you know we're Call of Duty soldiers? Well, I've got a Call of Nature."

17/01/20 21:07:51

He claimed it was due to his beauty regime that he lived to a ripe old age

29/11/19 8:13:21

"Excuse me, pint of lager please...and a couple of rusks for this toothless old git."

17/11/19 20:37:59

"I'm only here for the beer"

28/10/19 21:44:07

Cousin Itt's cousin

16/10/19 10:30:46

"No Dave, I wanted king-size Snickers."

12/10/19 21:31:10

Perfect for back seat drivers

11/10/19 20:13:11

He was crap at hopscotch anyway

28/08/19 21:02:15

Daz army

26/08/19 12:17:19

"I just love hanging out with you - you're dead funny"

06/08/19 8:49:26

"Sorry Mr MacAque but smoking is considered a performance-enhancing drug. You are therefore disqualified from this year's Caber-Tossing Championship"

09/07/19 8:52:24

Bang out of order

28/06/19 8:23:38

"Your call will be answered shortly."

06/06/19 22:28:43

The best thing about Spanish is the siesta

22/05/19 20:32:00

When out and about it's best to be dolled up

18/05/19 20:07:51