Crunchy Chords

20/09/18 8:00:11

Stop looking at my zit.... STOP LOOKING AT IT!

08/08/18 20:03:17

29/07/18 8:00:42

09/03/19 20:00:12

03/02/19 8:00:57

10/08/18 20:02:10

...and pigeon-toed. --Michael Winner

“Wash your windscreen?"

28/04/19 20:00:25

clever x2

25/04/19 20:00:10

“Then as we walked toward the waiting helicopter, the pilot shouted, ‘Who wants to ride up front?’ and I raised my hand and shouted, Bagsy!’ . ...And thats how I lost my arm.”

05/02/19 8:00:26

30/11/18 20:01:06

Salty! --Scrappy Doo

14/08/18 20:01:49

30/07/18 20:00:09

20/07/18 9:47:54

08/05/18 20:09:11

“I promised my mum I'd cut back to just one a day.”

15/11/17 20:46:14

05/05/19 20:00:06

"Now you see me, now you dont, now you see me ..

09/04/19 20:00:48

25/10/18 15:29:43

17/10/18 8:11:48

"Mum, will you leave the landing light on tonight?"

06/09/18 20:01:53

20/03/19 20:01:09

24/12/18 9:18:46

Its not you but i really cant see this being a long term relationship

16/12/18 8:14:47

I'm all packed for our romantic weekend: my girlfriend said to buy her a sexy teddy and some dirty toys....

18/10/18 20:06:01

The randy little alien played with himself as he approached his victim. Then he saw the eerily accurate sign.

Now theres a man who can conduct himself

05/06/18 20:00:17

The Internet allows people to ignore each other at speeds that were previously unimaginable.

28/08/17 14:47:10

Tue 8:00:09

21/07/19 8:08:41

23/02/19 17:35:11

22/02/19 14:51:27

James tried to cheer up his running partner. His wife had left him a Dijon letter.

25/01/18 8:05:57

“It looks like some sort of jellyfish…” “Thomas, do you have to stick your lighter up everythings arse?”

21/01/18 20:47:55

31/10/17 20:00:45

Usually the squad wait until after the match to get sh*t-faced.

02/09/17 15:37:25

Blarney Stoned

15/08/17 8:08:21

Bullfights are much more exciting in the U.S.

28/07/19 12:54:50

"My mum says I go out with too many arse holes."

26/07/19 14:56:48

“Step 219: Now that you have built your boat, gone to sea, caught your load of fish, brought them back and put them on display in your boat as your dowry, the final step to attracting a husband is to stand proudly next to your boat and wait for the eligible men of the village to come and select you as a wife. Oh, and remove your robe, that's key.”

17/05/19 8:06:00

09/03/19 15:41:39

10/02/19 8:00:31

Captioneers reacted positively to
Stone Face’s new profile pic.

22/12/18 8:02:13

19/10/18 20:00:40

05/09/18 20:17:12

♪ Sisters are doing it for their selfies ♪

27/08/18 20:20:45

12/03/18 20:21:11

22/07/19 20:00:12

"This mask is fantastic" said Donald. "Ill take 16 for my Cabinet and one for Melania to wear in bed."

13/07/19 20:01:12

29/05/19 20:00:09

Sister Mary Jane

27/05/19 20:00:07

17/04/19 20:01:25

He's an Australian actor, who like all Australians suffers from an uncontrollable desire to violently destroy anything culturally sophisticated. Oh, and he plays Thor. --James Lennox

18/03/19 20:01:16

May the farce be with you. --stone face

26/02/19 20:48:38

*Thinks* So much better than a car window

13/01/19 20:01:14

Snarly Davidson

13/01/19 20:00:08

Holy mackerel!

06/01/19 20:00:41

Sometimes his dark inner self emerged and it was clear he was bipolar.

01/01/19 8:00:06

“Looks like this is the end of the line.”

31/10/18 20:00:36

Introducing the new cheese and bunion flavour Wotsits.

12/10/18 20:01:20

13/08/18 20:04:52

Tune in next week when our experimental chef tackles TV dinners.

27/07/18 20:03:07

Dave, a budding photographer, really hoped the bird would fly off so he could take a better shot

11/06/18 20:00:11

16/05/18 21:18:39

24/11/17 20:02:26

Ive tried, but hes more interested in the birds than the bees.

21/08/17 14:44:44

01/06/17 8:07:43

It was running fine until Dave put it into cruise control.

15/04/17 8:19:03

Handy Smurf was looking forward to his birdwatching honeymoon, when he would finally see some blue tits.

03/06/19 20:01:00

Visitors to local beach warned of escaped black, poisonous salamander seen diving into peoples boats

17/05/19 8:00:55

03/05/19 8:00:24

Matt and too veg

23/04/19 20:06:01

Salad dressing

31/12/18 20:00:36

Chariots of Fired

25/10/18 8:22:36

15/09/18 20:00:20

28/07/18 8:07:51

13/06/18 16:28:35

29/05/18 8:23:38

Due to a typo, Noah built an enormous shark.

14/05/18 22:49:48

07/09/17 21:16:18

01/09/17 14:49:37

Ironing broad

30/04/17 15:30:55

Bugger North Korea did have nuclear weapons after all

26/07/19 20:03:18

'Oh thank God! I imagined much worse when you said you had sunburned spots under your helmet.'

26/07/19 15:16:59

Winner of the Golden Globes

09/05/19 15:39:49

05/05/19 21:06:12

17/04/19 20:00:36

24/03/19 12:57:22

09/02/19 8:00:07

Beware of rubber duckies. Theyre dangerous little bastards.

02/02/19 8:01:34

...that was when I realised that one Jelly baby had fallen off my shoulder. :-) --Glyn Evans

27/01/19 8:00:08

Well, if you really want the truth, your lips taste like plastic and you have a hairy tongue.

15/01/19 20:03:04

22/12/18 8:31:50

27/11/18 20:00:33

09/11/18 20:00:16

27/09/18 20:00:09

23/08/18 20:00:14

26/05/18 22:25:36

"They've always had a head for numbers."

09/05/18 20:02:21

. . "Youre a very charismatic entrepreneur, but I just dont think theres a market for combination torch/hairdryers, so Im out."

19/12/17 8:09:50

15/11/17 20:31:02

Time Team unearth ancient lion tamer settlement

04/05/17 9:00:52

04/05/17 8:48:34

22/06/19 20:46:33

How many squares do you see? 4,328,383 likes 3,424,244 comments

23/05/19 23:14:28

Back in the day, it was much more difficult to submit captions.

08/05/19 18:43:43

#MeatToo!

02/05/19 14:52:46

15/04/19 8:00:22

09/04/19 20:00:27

Be careful not to annoy them. They might fly off the handle.

04/04/19 8:36:38

25/03/19 20:00:34

Scientists attempt to calculate what a woman really means when she says shes fine.

14/03/19 20:00:14

"We were caught playing football in the monastery, now weve been suspended."

19/02/19 20:00:06

09/02/19 20:00:23

08/02/19 8:00:24

I know you are busy but its just a quick survey.

11/01/19 8:04:45

His last wish was to put his face between two baps.

19/11/18 20:01:30

At least he died smiling! --Karyn Harrison

13/11/18 20:00:12

"If I eat both it might make me Sikh."

"Sarah love, are you still in the toilet?"

31/10/18 13:52:43

LOL! That takes me back half a century to my teenage years, when my friends and I all had long hair, Christine Keeler-style, and a couple of half-pints would overset us. Holding a friend's hair back while she called for Ruth and Hughie was a co... --Molly R

14/10/18 17:40:24

The Proclaimers announce their long lost brother is growing on them.

12/09/18 20:01:18

27/08/18 20:00:38

For Gods sake Fred Ive been looking all over for that Multi LED Torch!!

19/08/18 8:00:33

29/01/18 20:00:55

25/01/18 8:03:00

17/01/18 20:05:00

08/12/17 23:19:38

"If only you knew the power of the Park'n Ride."

28/11/17 20:21:16

How did the game at the countdown fancy dress party go Rachel?...rubbish, first game there was 2 arrs and seven cs

11/07/17 15:57:58

13/06/17 8:37:48

11/05/17 8:34:22

10/08/19 20:03:21

"People call him a dinosaur but he's wicked smart and very dangerous."
"Velociraptor?"
"Boris Johnson"

08/08/19 20:06:11

"John, get rid of this old thing and replace it with one of those new bags that look like a fish."

29/07/19 15:19:56

22/07/19 20:22:27

Things have really started to turn round at Yahoo.

18/07/19 20:00:11

Yea, though I walk through the volley of death...

17/07/19 15:31:52

Sure he's a bit of a ham, but he makes a great pizza.

15/07/19 20:53:27

Clearly she's been enjoying his package, and he's been enjoying her box.

30/06/19 20:00:07

"Listen Molly, its nothing personal, but the boss has just asked me to fire you."

15/05/19 15:41:13

14/05/19 15:24:35

IAAF ban South African womens relay team.

03/05/19 20:00:30

02/05/19 15:58:03

“Just wait 'til they see you…. Who's the ugly duckling now?

25/04/19 20:00:37

29/03/19 13:49:47

“Take me home, Nigel, I don't think I'll be needing you in the bedroom any more.”

18/03/19 20:01:57

Flies and Dolls

25/02/19 20:00:08

18/02/19 20:01:45

"So Darling, I had my piano upgraded. Do you like the pop-up scenery?" "Its nice Dear, but installing the slide was a stroke of genius."

07/02/19 15:10:50

The Wig Bang Theory

06/02/19 22:53:11

02/02/19 8:00:38

"Ive starred in some weird pornos in my time but this..."

31/01/19 17:58:39

Man's best Fred

20/01/19 18:03:32

World War Two Fighter Pilates

20/01/19 8:24:37

04/01/19 8:00:58

24/12/18 9:28:49

"I don't know what she sees in him."
"I hear he's hung like a horse."

16/12/18 17:31:17

06/12/18 20:04:51

31/10/18 20:01:11

14/10/18 20:01:51

“You said ...’write something punchy’ ...”

27/09/18 8:00:22

A brilliant new initiative has reduced incidents of dogging by 63%

21/09/18 8:01:39

27/07/18 20:03:36

"Where's MY billowing red skirt?"

05/06/18 20:03:09

Ha! ...Clever. --J Gaskill

07/02/18 20:21:41

Tickle Me Alma

01/02/18 15:44:22

26/01/18 8:00:30

26/11/17 17:37:03

"Thanks, but dont bother in the future. I hate Milk Tray."

17/11/17 20:01:07

In American zoos, pussy-licking is considered obscene.

01/11/17 20:06:11

Who's up foursome dogging?

20/09/17 20:01:03

The Great Irish Bake Off

15/08/17 8:18:41

The buildings new, state of the art sprinkler system is the dogs bollocks.

07/08/17 8:21:04

02/08/17 8:03:01

Dementors during Azkaban's renovation --sandeep chahal

Beauty and the Beached

30/07/17 8:01:33

28/07/17 8:04:05

27/07/17 20:05:37

10/07/17 14:59:50

Did your cat come off second best in that face-off with the black Subaru? Well it doesnt have to mean goodbye. Just send your cats remains to us here at Cat Converters and well turn them into this handy Bathroom Buddy..Lift the left leg to dispen

23/06/17 4:50:58

31/05/17 20:56:43

04/05/17 8:38:17

"Bloody predictive text, it wasnt a fun run, it was a funeral."

12/04/17 23:36:08

🎵 "Creepy crawly, Creepy crawly" 🎵

"Boris the Spider?"
"Boris the PM."

Mon 23:06:26

221B Baker Street?

30/07/19 10:25:07

But whose Holmes this? --Mr Dome

Time to cut back on those juice pouches.

15/07/19 20:08:23

Lightsabers are bigger and used differently on this part of Tatooine.

10/07/19 8:00:29

"I've just washed my hair and I can't do a thing with it."

09/07/19 20:00:09

Mail-dominated household

30/06/19 20:00:57

That awkward moment the new ironing board collapses

19/06/19 20:01:41

29/05/19 20:01:29

20/05/19 7:18:54

18/05/19 18:47:35