creative

A piano owned by the composer of the Jaws theme.

12/12/22 20:00:10

clever

Poached

05/01/23 12:00:24

"Awww. What were her first words?"
"Independence for Scotland!"

21/11/22 20:00:14

Chris was just 23 when his wife started looking at carpet samples.

19/08/12 19:00:38

Key for unknown lock sold separately.

31/01/23 12:00:07

lol

"About the order I emailed in. Just to confirm, that should be 30cm, not 30km. Soz for any inconvenience."

04/01/23 20:58:11

The moment Ringo was picked to play drums.

01/01/23 12:30:49

"This will be such a great picture for Facebook. I can't believe we got our little angel to balance on top of the tree..."

20/12/22 20:01:49

Tom was in bed all day with a bug.

06/11/22 20:00:08

"A three-headed rabid dog that pisses fire?"

"Or we could get a cat."

"The dog it is."

14/01/23 20:05:59

lol

"Yes, there's a little bird shit, but thankfully no pineapple."

04/01/23 20:54:36

1 room apt, London. Central location, cosy. £850 pcm.

01/09/12 10:14:42

"So, officer, why do you think the killer has OCD?"

11/07/12 19:10:09

The whole thing was toppled by a draught.

27/01/23 20:00:08

lol

"Tesco even turned this one down for their lasagne."

09/01/23 10:01:17

lol

"Sister, I've got your back."

25/11/22 12:01:06

Backseat divers.

13/11/22 12:14:58, edited: 13/11/22 12:17:16

"So do you fight crime?"
"No, I just shit in people's gardens."

03/10/22 19:10:12

The flag of Iceland

Sat 12:00:07

Have I Got Mews For You

13/01/23 12:00:13

“Before you read the papers, Your Majesty, you might want a coffee.”

05/01/23 20:00:35

"Sir, as requested, we finally found four Jacks who could lift the tank."

25/12/22 20:00:08

How the average family will be living in 12 months.

18/10/22 19:03:03

In other news, a series of co-ordinated robberies have hit the country's fishmongers and dairy producers. The suspects have been described as "adorable".

05/10/22 8:47:07

"This is a staff announcement. Please don't forget to collect your man from the husband storage area before you leave."

19/08/12 19:00:47

"I tell you what, the cycling proficiency test was a lot easier in my day."

Sun 21:00:13

It's hard to believe only two of the women pictured would go on to become killers.

30/09/22 12:09:53

"Hey, Nigel, would you give me a hand? I need to dig a f****** big hole."

28/09/22 11:26:21

"Did you invite Schrödinger's cat?"
"Yeah, but you know what he's like. He said he was coming and he wasn't..."

25/01/23 12:01:04

"How did you know I'm a big fan of The Simpsons?"

28/12/22 12:17:07

"My dog doesn't eat my homework, he corrects it."

26/12/22 12:01:08

clever

"The name is bond... It's... No, wait, I know this..."

17/11/22 9:28:04

The government adjust the state pension age.

20/10/22 8:25:01

Steve Never Gonna Get Any Jobs

24/09/22 19:27:28

lol x2

"And this is my child molesting nose"

19/01/13 13:32:19

“That’s right, Doctor, just the one cup a day.”

05/01/23 20:00:08

The week there were two correct answers in the Spot the Ball competition.

09/12/22 12:00:08

Facetime with the kids.

31/10/22 9:27:39

"Stag night? Me too."

16/08/12 16:40:42

Body positive campaigners have praised the casting of the new Bond.

Thu 12:02:05

Snakes on a plain.

17/01/23 8:00:09

creative

Anatomy of a politician. C is mostly empty. Cannot distinguish E from A. And vital organ missing from the area of D.

15/01/23 12:00:46

Not being able to find pig's blood, the prankers used something far worse: a bucket of Chugger's.

12/01/23 12:00:06

clever

"Presenting the Strictly glitterball this year is Graham Norton!"

03/01/23 10:08:00

The Winter Wonderland owner cut a few corners when the kids from the School for the Blind visited.

20/12/22 12:00:19

"I'd like to start with an apology for my behaviour during the Christmas party. It was, of course, inappropriate for me to have sex with the photocopier."

14/12/22 12:02:07

"Honestly, a tip's not necessary, sir..."

11/10/22 7:41:22

lol

"I'm afraid you have Punderactive Thyroid. It's a rare condition that involves making dozens of increasingly unhinged jokes, often involving cats."

Wed 12:00:20

"Why are you returning this set?"
"The pen hasn't run out, the elastic bands don't turn to dust in my hands, the screwdriver is the exact one I need, the batteries aren't leaking, and I can easily find the start of the tape."

31/01/23 12:11:40

Shitterbocker Glory

28/01/23 20:00:09

Jim's Mum was furious when she saw the photo. Next time, he'd better use a coaster.

27/01/23 20:06:36

"Calculating distance to nearest toilet..."

17/12/22 20:08:35

The game was abandoned after the players kept returning the ball to the referee.

11/11/22 12:00:25

"Did you just stand on my sandcastle?"

30/10/22 12:05:55

The alternative was John admitting his wife was right.

08/10/22 16:11:30

"I need to have a word with our window cleaner, the one who doesn't need a ladder..."

26/09/22 19:05:58

Bob insisted on the missionary position

21/05/13 13:04:02

"Lunch order for Mr Eamonn Holmes"

10/08/12 10:01:01

clever

"These old Superman serials are so corny! What's this one about?"
"Communists filling America's skies with giant death balloons."

Sat 0:20:26

"Our Michael says he's studying structural engineering at uni!"

27/01/23 20:05:24

"I'm sorry, Commissioner Gordon, he won't be coming. Batman is still on the naughty step."

18/01/23 12:00:31

I never knew ostrich racing existed, but maybe I’ve just had my head in the sand.

06/01/23 23:44:03

The Loouvre

09/12/22 20:00:07

Party Popper.

26/11/22 20:04:27

Cause of death: Linda.

04/11/22 9:06:34

Pumpkin Action Shotgun.

14/10/22 19:00:11

"The good news? The goats are off the house."

13/10/22 19:00:34

"Do I call the AA or the Coast Guard?"

11/10/22 19:21:33

"I'm The Invisible Man and I'm an alcoholic"

21/01/13 8:22:10

Under new government plans, it will be easier for companies to fire staff.

14/09/12 10:36:23

"Chris, there seems to be a photo on your phone taken during that business trip to Hull..."

18/08/12 19:35:09

It was gameover for Jim on level 12 of Office Tetris

11/07/12 19:26:15

"Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a wall!"
"Are you plastered?"

Wed 12:00:06

"That's disgusting! PLASTIC straws!!"

28/01/23 20:00:41

Runs and Raisin

28/01/23 20:00:22

"I don't know much about art, but I know that's not Gouda."

28/01/23 12:42:41

"On today's episode of Supervet, I'll be killing this abomination with a brick..."

14/01/23 20:12:20

The Prime Minister denies this is the first time he has used a supermarket.

08/01/23 20:00:43

"I had to flush three times. It's a Boba."

11/12/22 12:08:55

It was a challenging set of ingredients for the chef on Ready Steady Cook.

26/11/22 16:02:18

"I'm afraid it's the big W, Mrs Stroganoff. You have wood worm."

18/11/22 9:35:24

"Everyone has to wear a mask, stop sulking"

17/11/22 12:00:12

"I'm no expert, but I'd say at least one of the four eggs is past its use-by date."

15/11/22 23:31:56

Some have questioned the need for a "young Harvey Weinstein" statue.

09/11/22 12:00:20

This wasn't what Jim expected when his best man promised him a stag weekend.

06/11/22 20:00:16

"So I have good news and bad news. The good news: you're really going to save on shoes."

02/11/22 12:01:57

"Alright ladies, that's yer fun for the year. Back in your wife cupboards."

26/10/22 19:02:36

"What makes you think the chef has OCD?"

17/10/22 8:37:05

The Simpsons are big and getting bigger by the year.

09/10/22 11:24:28

"How did your first day at work go, honey?"

02/10/22 11:29:23

After three months, two weeks, and five days, Peter and Marjory began to suspect the No 27 didn't stop there.

20/04/13 13:03:26

"Give me an Aaarrggghh"

05/01/13 21:28:03

No one could think of a single reason why clowns shouldn't be used to clear mine-fields

11/10/12 19:05:18

The new anti-squatter laws come into force.

14/09/12 10:37:25

Police are asking the public to look out for a suspect with brown hair and of average height.

21/08/12 19:28:28

...and nine months later little Piers Morgan was born.

16/08/12 19:04:54

"Hurry up, kids. Dad wants a go"

11/08/12 15:00:23

"Shhh. Don't say anything. It'll be so funny when he notices"

19/07/12 19:23:35

Fenton!

29/06/13 11:24:32