Chris was just 23 when his wife started looking at carpet samples.

19/08/12 20:00:38

1 room apt, London. Central location, cosy. £850 pcm.

01/09/12 11:14:42

"So, officer, why do you think the killer has OCD?"

11/07/12 20:10:09

"This is a staff announcement. Please don't forget to collect your man from the husband storage area before you leave."

19/08/12 20:00:47

lol x2

"And this is my child molesting nose"

19/01/13 13:32:19

"Stag night? Me too."

16/08/12 17:40:42

Bob insisted on the missionary position

21/05/13 14:04:02

"Lunch order for Mr Eamonn Holmes"

10/08/12 11:01:01

"I'm The Invisible Man and I'm an alcoholic"

21/01/13 8:22:10

Under new government plans, it will be easier for companies to fire staff.

14/09/12 11:36:23

"Chris, there seems to be a photo on your phone taken during that business trip to Hull..."

18/08/12 20:35:09

It was gameover for Jim on level 12 of Office Tetris

11/07/12 20:26:15

After three months, two weeks, and five days, Peter and Marjory began to suspect the No 27 didn't stop there.

20/04/13 14:03:26

"Give me an Aaarrggghh"

05/01/13 21:28:03

No one could think of a single reason why clowns shouldn't be used to clear mine-fields

11/10/12 20:05:18

The new anti-squatter laws come into force.

14/09/12 11:37:25

Police are asking the public to look out for a suspect with brown hair and of average height.

21/08/12 20:28:28

...and nine months later little Piers Morgan was born.

16/08/12 20:04:54

"Hurry up, kids. Dad wants a go"

11/08/12 16:00:23

"Shhh. Don't say anything. It'll be so funny when he notices"

19/07/12 20:23:35

Fenton!

29/06/13 12:24:32

"Herro. Me want to comrain about insulting stereotype"

23/04/13 20:56:57

"Well, if you pay peanuts..."

13/01/13 16:17:23

"Yes, there are nuts in this dish"

14/12/12 20:02:59

"I say, Tarquin, couldn't your papa use the helipad like everyone else?"

12/08/12 16:34:37

"No, we can't use that as a nesting hole"

24/06/13 12:05:32

"What does the brown flag mean?"
"I think he's just run out of toilet paper"

02/06/13 12:54:14

Some families have gone to extreme lengths to avoid the Bedroom Tax.

03/05/13 23:51:01

creative

Miss Direction

28/04/13 20:03:28

You don't mess with clampers in Texas

17/04/13 20:23:40

"Hmmm. Quite spacious for a London flat"

13/03/13 13:47:33

"This is a station announcement. Could the owner of a bowler hat and monocle please report to Lost Property"

03/03/13 16:02:34

"And how did James react to the news of your pregnancy?"
"Not well"

20/01/13 11:25:14

"Ok, kids, you don't kill, you don't eat"

18/01/13 20:04:09

lol

Mike should have guessed all was not well when he saw the wedding cake

13/01/13 20:53:17

Today only, free hobo with every sofa.

19/08/12 20:00:28

If EasyJet did cruises.

16/08/12 17:41:34

Manchester jobs fair.

13/08/12 11:02:05

America wins gold in the first Right-Wing Hillbilly Bible Reciting and Hill Climbing event.

10/08/12 13:39:48

"Ok, who put steroids in Grandpa's Ovaltine?"

25/07/12 21:25:14

"Ok, who let the work experience kid pick photos for the brochure?"

16/07/12 20:10:37

"Here, doggie..."

24/06/13 8:22:33

"And if your friends set their heads on fire would you... Oh."

17/06/13 20:41:04

Things haven't been going well lately for Bob Hoskins

28/04/13 20:17:38

"Is it a bird, is it... Oh, it is a bird. Ok, then."

24/04/13 20:04:14

"What's that, Lassie? You're so ashamed you'd like to be put down?"

21/04/13 21:05:41

Dear caption.me: Please desist from posting pictures of my missus. I don't even know how you got access to our wedding photos.

20/04/13 14:16:43

"Get me a shovel. I don't think Mr Daley knew the pool was empty"

08/04/13 18:46:45

Fortunately for Miles, his inflated ego doubled as a buoyancy aid.

14/03/13 11:03:43

Indy 500lbs

02/03/13 19:35:29

"I swear, it's not the Caption Me website. It's just hardcore porn!"

26/02/13 18:07:58

The Top Gear episode I would watch

23/09/12 20:50:09

A very compact car

23/09/12 20:46:44

After working hard at the easel, Escher enjoyed going to the park to eat.

21/09/12 16:47:40

How we would know if Americans had mastered invisibility.

12/08/12 20:05:42

The new Calvin Klein ad campaign was not a success.

10/08/12 13:31:33

"I hope that bastard centipede is minding my pint"

18/04/14 18:17:12

The "Kid's Zone" at the NRA Headquarters

19/08/13 23:15:51

John was disappointed with the DVD he bought off the Internet: Birds With Big Asses

24/06/13 12:02:33

"Yes, I want my bike back, but you can keep the saddle"

17/06/13 20:09:51

"I'm sorry, Jim, but your replacement is already 30% more productive"

28/04/13 9:53:40

Disney later decided to cut out the eighth dwarf, Skanky.

27/04/13 22:29:47

Their plane would later crash in the Andes. Despite being stranded and without food, they managed to survive for several months with just one casualty.

23/04/13 20:47:52

Bruce Wayne was hit hard by the credit crunch

26/01/13 15:22:40

"No, you're only supposed to have one criminal in the line-up"

07/01/13 17:45:22

Michael did eventually open the jar of pickled onions

07/01/13 1:52:48

"Honey, why are there carrots in my camera bag?"

18/12/12 22:07:37

John Cooper. World Hide and Seek Champion, 2012.

01/09/12 11:15:20

Why Zimbabwe didn't win any equestrian Olympic medals.

18/08/12 10:27:57

"So why did you fire the window cleaner?"

13/08/12 14:25:44

I'd hate to have to change that nappy.

02/08/12 20:19:06

"Am I through to the next round of Masterchef?"

27/07/12 23:10:23

"Please tell me I'm not the only one who can see that giant purple ape?"

26/07/12 20:49:34

Edvard Munch's baking career was short lived.

19/07/12 0:43:40

Mark Webber would still finish third.

26/09/13 0:23:26

Halloween at Gazza's house

20/08/13 18:02:31

Some jobs just aren't compatible with narcolepsy

02/07/13 19:02:40

"Why did you call your daughter Ariel?"

29/06/13 12:27:02

"Seriously, this is the best you could find?"
"Yes. We scoured the whole city."
"Then I suppose we'll have to use it for the Manchester tourism brochure..."

25/06/13 23:08:29

creative

"When you said your Father took you swimming in a ford..."

02/06/13 23:31:25

"Think that's funny, huh? Well, you won't be smiling when you've seen what I've left on your bed..."

31/05/13 19:01:15

Nicolas Sarkozy was not coping well since losing his presidency

27/05/13 20:52:40

"Hmmm. Smells of piss it does"

24/05/13 19:01:35

Channel4 decided not to air that particular episode of Come Dine With Me

23/05/13 15:39:35

The first laser-pointer was not a big success

05/05/13 12:35:34

"Don't worry, I will kill them later. I have the A-Team just where I want them: locked in a warehouse with lots of tools and explosives."

23/04/13 20:19:29

"What do you mean you're all out of sausage? You've only had two customers today"

22/04/13 17:39:52

Why has someone airbrushed out the Tory politician?

21/04/13 15:56:51

"Do you happen to have anything for the Bulgarian blue ear virus?"

21/04/13 10:09:12

"I just don't know why I've had no luck with Match.com"

06/04/13 13:39:05

"How the hell did Piers Morgan get in there?"

01/04/13 19:18:26

"Happy 12th birthday, son. Eeeuurrggh."

10/03/13 13:52:37

The decision to locate the store next to a women-only mosque would cause a lot of confusion

29/01/13 18:25:14

Ryan Air upgrade their fleet

27/01/13 9:05:28

The council agreed to move the path after several complaints from the blind

20/01/13 11:11:53

"Next I'll show you how to artificially inseminate a duck"

18/01/13 20:13:54

"Jack, where's your brother?"

08/01/13 17:59:57

"Ok, so my online dating profile wasn't 100% accurate"

28/12/12 14:27:19

Until the cannibal trial was over, Channel 4 declined to air that episode of Come Dine with Me

14/12/12 20:05:16

"Your breakfast is served, Mr Lecter"

14/12/12 20:01:40

"Which one did you say was Nick Griffen's house?"

05/12/12 12:47:14

No, the sign says "tips are encouraged".

05/12/12 12:46:18

"For an extra £5 I take out the teeth"

15/09/12 12:19:21

"No, I haven't seen Misery. Why?"

05/09/12 0:45:59

"But she's only 3 months pregnant"

22/08/12 20:00:10

If Quantum Theorists did roadworks

15/08/12 20:12:54

The only man to be abducted by aliens who didn't have at least one acquaintance named Bubba.

12/08/12 16:28:45

"You're so embarrassing, Dad! Do you have to wear those camp boots?"

11/08/12 21:46:03

"It's Ok. It's built for American riders."

10/08/12 11:03:28

The Taiwanese Evel Knievel failed to clear the 23 buses.

10/08/12 11:02:07

The air-marshals were not hard to spot.

08/08/12 18:32:32

"No, please, don't fall asleep. Condom, condom, condom..."

30/07/12 23:16:46

"What is Eamonn Holmes doing with that lighter and why has he pulled down his... RUUUUNNNNNN FOR YOUR LIIIVVEEEESSSS"

27/07/12 23:35:30

Bust-up.

25/07/12 18:13:59

"Hello, Shit Creek Paddle store. You'd like to make a large order? And should I just add that to the G4S account?"

22/07/12 12:04:56

If police horses were supplied by G4S

19/07/12 20:24:24

Foot in mouth

17/07/12 20:07:10

It was the first time a cello had been used as an offensive weapon since Julian Lloyd Webber last played.

17/07/12 17:43:36

A scene from the new Wes Anderson masterpiece: Pedalbin, The Movie.

06/05/14 18:10:32

How men see every woman

21/04/14 11:47:33

NHS faces claims of incompetence after complaint by man who "only went in with a broken toe"

20/04/14 11:06:15

"What asteroid? Oh.."

19/04/14 21:15:38

These anti=smoking adverts are going over the top

18/04/14 18:16:01

Taken from ITV's "Where Are They Now: Steve Brookstein"

26/08/13 12:07:24

"Straight on at the watering hole, then swing a left at the termite mound. Can't miss it, mate"

10/08/13 0:23:19

Jeff wished there was somewhere to hold on

07/07/13 17:47:22

Fir Chris Hoy

06/07/13 12:20:15

"Gimme all yer Frosties, punk"

04/07/13 19:36:19

It was not until 1997 that Crufts scrapped the baby killing event

29/06/13 12:22:43

Angelina Jolie's scout makes another two purchases

26/06/13 21:04:45

"Cougar!"
"No, she's not even 30"

22/06/13 11:04:27

A Norfolk family reunion

08/06/13 20:02:24

"And Mr Hawking, what have you built for your year 7 woodwork project?"

02/06/13 10:04:32

"Phil, why do your burgers always have that lemony after taste?"

02/06/13 10:02:26

In retrospect, it was a bad idea for Dave to open his novelty barbecue shop so close to the Hospital for the Blind.

02/06/13 9:59:23

Flat-line Dancing

21/05/13 14:12:15

New research has suggested that Christ's crucifixion wasn't all that uncomfortable

21/05/13 14:06:04

There have been some surprising additions to the list of events for Brazil 2016

07/05/13 17:51:07

"Die! Of course you're not going to die! I always dress like this..."

03/05/13 23:28:11

In the late eighties, all mobile phones came with a little Asian man.

23/04/13 20:21:14

"Just try to ignore him, honey"
"But you know I can't concentrate with Bill Bailey staring"

23/04/13 0:49:42

The Tesco horsemeat scandal was nothing compared to the new Chocolate Ice Cream revelation

20/04/13 14:12:02

Bill Oddie's idea of porn

15/04/13 19:16:35

"Alien life form detected off the starboard bow"
"That's a woman, Neil"

15/04/13 19:04:59

"Quick, it's the mother-in-law"

15/04/13 19:03:27

Unfortunately this particular road is popular with blind motorists

02/04/13 18:03:07

"So, got anything nice planned for the weekend?"

01/04/13 19:30:03

The new American neighbours of Piers Morgan

01/04/13 19:23:11

So that's what the Catholic church does with the reports of abuse it receives

24/03/13 17:04:35

Problem: No more toilet paper. Solution: The girlfriend's cat

19/03/13 23:19:20

"Ok, Bill. Let's see you rugby kick this"

02/03/13 20:01:19

"No, $120. Final offer"

02/03/13 20:00:33

"I do"

09/02/13 13:52:48

If Belgium had a space program

27/01/13 9:07:37

"And I'm still going to eat your porridge"

17/01/13 18:04:23

"But, officer, she had stabilisers on the bike"

06/01/13 13:40:11

"Is that your vehicle, Mr Glitter?"

28/12/12 1:20:41

Heston Blumenthal had gone too far this time

14/12/12 20:06:58

"So here's a photo of Amanda Holden without makeup"

26/09/12 17:39:59

The only way I will use public transport more often.

16/09/12 12:33:32

Boris has devised his own replacement for the Bendy Bus.

16/09/12 12:32:30

Why the Dutch cycling team didn't win medals in London.

15/09/12 12:02:47

Coffee to die for

15/09/12 12:01:48

Michael Owen was still left on the bench.

29/08/12 20:26:00

Prince Harry's new bodyguards

23/08/12 21:53:56

In retrospect, Bill could have just unlocked the other cuff too.

21/08/12 20:02:09

"Well I didn't ask you to bring back 96% of the suspect"

21/08/12 20:00:35

"Hello, I'd like to order 500kg of fresh fish"

18/08/12 18:42:41

Malcolm couldn't understand his lack of success on Match.com

17/08/12 20:34:32

Door bell for the headquarters of Barclays Bank

14/08/12 17:40:43

If you think that's bad, you should see what the Virgin Mary is doing now to make ends meet.

01/08/12 17:55:30

Next block: "Earn $$$ Do you want to earn up to £200 a day? Call Moses on..."

01/08/12 17:54:34

If Eamonn Holmes designed cars.

31/07/12 20:25:06

"Chauffeur for Mr Morrissey."

31/07/12 20:14:03

"So how do we best market alcohol to men?"

26/07/12 17:50:33

"So, how long have you been a twat?"

24/07/12 22:23:03

"Look on the bright side: at least it's stopped raining."

21/07/12 23:48:29

Bar with cloakroom, Newcastle.

17/07/12 0:33:11

The only way to beat the Germans to the best spot on the beach

16/07/12 20:07:05

"I've told you, call her Grandma"

14/07/12 15:08:32

The practice facilities provided by Team GB did not impress Tom Daley

14/07/12 14:55:02

"Honey, did you throw out that box of old rusty knives?" "Nah, I just put them in the loft for now..."

01/07/12 14:40:20

scrapped campaign for Visit Norway

01/07/12 14:27:08

If Thor had been made in Britain.

01/07/12 14:24:09