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“I think this picture has been doctored”“By who?”“Exactly”
28/02/24 20:11:23
He’s the underdog
28/02/24 8:00:59
''You f-cking bastards.''THREE DAYS EARLIER''Instead of getting a cat sitter, why don't we take Mittens to Scotland with us.''
25/02/24 12:04:43, edited: 25/02/24 12:57:31
''Looks like there's not much left in the kitty.''
22/02/24 8:01:47, edited: 22/02/24 8:02:49
We've all been there - trying to get money out of a Scotsman.
18/02/24 12:36:15
Budgie snugglers
17/02/24 20:11:01
I'm so hungry I could eat a lettuce.
13/02/24 20:18:07
Give us this day our doily bread.
04/02/24 20:04:02
Grimsby Council excels with festive tree feature
01/02/24 12:08:21
Babar was now enjoying his new life thanks to the witness protection program.
01/02/24 8:01:18
Catching the bouquet is risky when the bride is an Olympic shot-putter
25/01/24 12:06:35
Archibald
24/01/24 8:26:43
''Since the Dave Awards I can't shift these Wolf shirts fast enough,'' said site manager, Chris Beach.
14/01/24 12:22:15
The Four Riders of the Alpacalypse
14/01/24 8:17:49
🎵 We shall not, we shall not be screwed 🎵
13/01/24 12:09:33
She's refusing to take it lying down.
13/01/24 12:02:28
Dave Laboured away putting up his Christmas decorations, while Tracy was a bit more Conservative
07/01/24 12:09:11
“Dave…wtf have you done to my hair dryer!?
06/01/24 12:17:44, edited: 06/01/24 12:18:12
Blade Runners
04/01/24 20:05:46
Critics divided over redesign of Google homepage.
27/12/23 20:44:04
And the best thing is, we have managed to make our movie on a budget with only some really subtle product placement.
21/12/23 8:20:50
"I suspect this painting has been doctored."
10/12/23 12:31:37
Bangers and smashed
09/12/23 20:14:55
"What's on the agenda for today, Wendy?""You have a spelling test at 9am. Then at 11 it's times tables, followed by a working lunch with Dairylea dunkers and apple segments. At 2pm it's PE and then assembly before your Mum picks you up.""Cancel the 2pm, Wendy. I f*cking hate PE.""Ok, that's enough, Timothy. And it's not Wendy, It's Mrs Sanderson to you."
08/12/23 12:34:17, edited: 08/12/23 12:37:51
"...and my Wife STILL wanted the f*cking heating on"
30/11/23 12:12:30
Malcolm. MALCOLM! The sodding caravan's blown off again
27/11/23 18:27:03
"..and then I had a shit in the woods.""That's gross, Deborah. Just focus on fishing."
23/11/23 12:05:30
''He's always stirring up trouble.''
21/11/23 8:07:03
Welcome to the NHS App. Please tell us how often you experience these symptoms:- never- often- only on a full moon
20/11/23 12:09:41
"OK, eat the red one and see how long that takes to come out."
03/11/23 20:06:58, edited: 04/11/23 18:59:57, suggested edits
Thinks "These humans must be vicious, they're all muzzled"
18/10/23 19:05:54
"Aren't you boiling in those suits?"
09/10/23 19:04:53
"SOLD. Next up, lot 57, George Michael's scrapbook."
04/10/23 7:06:00
“Thank you for tipping your Uber driver”
29/09/23 11:09:09
"You do realise it's rude to point"
27/09/23 7:09:54
"...but Noah I've got TWO wives!"
21/09/23 19:08:05
easyJet will NOT tolerate rudeness to cabin crew.
17/09/23 19:02:07
Dave found transitioning to a woman hard work and was particularly surprised how heavy the breast implants were.
15/09/23 7:11:11
"There's no rush. I told my wife I'd come in at 20 to 1."
08/09/23 7:42:41
" Been satyr long?"
08/09/23 7:01:04
Dave regretted calling the stripper ad in the phone box
28/08/23 7:31:03
"Get a grip Dave, it's just a fucking Squirrel"
26/08/23 11:09:32
"The good news, Mr. Smith, is that the birth went fine. The bad news is that your wife may need a few stitches."
17/08/23 19:05:32, edited: 17/08/23 19:06:03
Upwardly mobile
17/08/23 11:00:47
At the annual Bubble Blowers Association meeting it was strictly members only.
17/08/23 7:23:22
I ain’t afraid of no goats
09/08/23 19:01:35
Wheelie Nelson
05/08/23 12:33:23
Deck the halls with brows of Holly
08/07/23 11:50:30
“We also do a pigeon but that’s more of a carrier bag.”
30/06/23 19:20:20
Supply of photos dries up and site owner forced to delve into personal collection.
26/06/23 11:03:39, edited: 26/06/23 12:45:55
The Outlaw Josey (Wales)
26/06/23 7:06:21
Whatever floats your goats.
20/06/23 11:01:34
One for the rodent
16/06/23 12:34:12
Mums up and down the country start to brace themselves for the impending School Summer Holiday.
08/06/23 11:00:16
After the tsunami, the 'wet paint' was the least of Ronnie's problems.
31/05/23 11:03:39
Looks like someone's cut a few corners there.
28/05/23 19:00:14
''When did you first notice the pain in your right shoulder?''''When you started squeezing it.''
20/05/23 19:04:58, edited: 21/05/23 6:57:32
The water would’ve been up to Gupta’s neck if he hadn’t brought his wife with him.
07/05/23 7:21:42
Peeping Tom
04/05/23 11:00:06
Putting the 'fun' into funeral
01/05/23 11:10:41
Sometimes we all need a shoulder to crayon
26/04/23 19:33:22
Not for sail.
09/04/23 19:31:19
“Why do you use the chimney George? Why don’t you come in through the front door like everyone else?”
04/04/23 7:18:53
“The service here is bloody useless, it’s like we’re not here.”
02/04/23 7:00:14
''Does my plum look big in this?''
31/03/23 11:00:55, edited: 31/03/23 11:01:19
Surely you get beef from a calf?
26/03/23 7:23:41
They only signed up cos they kneaded the dough
16/03/23 12:41:02
"Isn't it dangerous?"- "It's a bit hairy coming down"
13/03/23 8:26:23, edited: 13/03/23 11:00:51
A peck on the cheek.
09/03/23 20:03:56
"When I said get your skates on..."
08/03/23 8:00:13
Unions warned this would happen if they carried on paying the drivers peanuts.
07/03/23 8:19:30
Breakfast on Tiffany
27/02/23 8:00:18
"So, the castle's closed on Sundays, is it? We'll soon see about that!!"
26/02/23 8:13:37
Crush hour
16/02/23 20:00:40
Nice, but I really need a boot.
14/02/23 12:00:14
"Terry's Mum is a silly billy. Pass it on."
13/02/23 12:01:31
Wifeguard
11/02/23 20:23:54
Was he enjoying his holiday? Ohh Yes!
09/02/23 8:00:28
A chopping trip.
03/02/23 12:06:44
Eton Miss
02/02/23 20:04:27
Mosh pet.
30/01/23 20:12:55
Lower right you win anything from the bottom shelf, top right and the large Teddy is yours.
26/01/23 8:25:23, edited: 26/01/23 8:25:47
It’s bad enough when birds sit on your washing line
25/01/23 8:01:13
RIPe
15/01/23 20:16:00
“You should never mess with things you don’t understand laddie…. now take that rainbow hat off.”
10/01/23 20:04:50, edited: 10/01/23 20:15:52
Pavarottree
07/01/23 8:00:06
I don’t think this sport will take off
06/01/23 22:20:36
Poached
05/01/23 12:00:24
I ain’t a freight of no goats
01/01/23 8:54:53
Rover Dealer
21/12/22 8:00:12
"Hang on, mum, we haven't tied the string round Billy's bad tooth yet."
18/12/22 20:43:09
It's scary when you see the inside of a Ryanair cockpit.
17/12/22 20:00:14
I see Aldi are doing spa days now
13/12/22 20:04:19, edited: 13/12/22 20:04:31
“Ahh, Man’s best friend, oh and a Dog.”
09/12/22 8:00:17, edited: 09/12/22 8:26:56
Text'No mum, am not getting married..I misunderstood when Darren promised to walk me down the aisle
04/12/22 8:01:23
Some relationships just aren't meant to last.
26/11/22 20:00:11
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it sink.
22/11/22 8:01:11
"Awww. What were her first words?""Independence for Scotland!"
21/11/22 20:00:14
"Is it me or is it chilli in here?"
16/11/22 12:17:59
We wanted three French hens but could only get one due to the red tape.
15/11/22 20:00:17
suggested edits
