lol

As a funeral director, I should never have agreed to the, ‘Take Your Kids To Work Day’ initiative.

30/03/20 12:59:43

creative clever

Storm Ciara wreaks havoc across the UK:
“I was lucky, a trampoline missed me by an inch and the bloke over the road is wearing a shed.”

13/02/20 12:29:29

You always could tell Pete had a bad hangover by the size of the ice pack.

21/03/20 20:05:38

lol

That look when you spot your wife with another man and you can’t do anything about it because you’re a statue.

09/05/19 19:28:46

lol

“Tonight on, When Hip Replacements Go Wrong.....”

(Nod to 12:05:24)

10/05/20 23:07:30

lol creative

“Help I can’t untangle my hands”

15/03/20 21:00:26

Canoepés

21/09/17 19:32:23

lol

Oscar Pistorius's campaign bus

24/07/16 11:40:44

That’s so fake. You can see the thin wires holding the spider up! Duh.

22/08/20 7:50:44

“Darling, can you smell ga.....”

18/08/20 7:01:34

Sarah has a drinking problem

08/04/20 7:01:26

In a shocking autobiography out next week, entitled “I hated the bastard” Captain Birdseye’s granddaughter tells all.

13/02/20 22:53:41

creative

She's hoping that a few minor adjustments to her new skirt, will help take away the emphasis from her massive arse.

23/08/17 19:40:55

lol creative

Uri Geller makes a start on corrogating a new door for his storage unit.

15/06/15 11:38:19

Having just had two Bishop's Fingers, Brendan needed a drink.

09/05/14 8:02:16

When Janet was approached by a ‘certain magazine‘ to do some modelling, she thought it would be the start of a glittering career but Scrap Metal Monthly had a very tight budget.

17/09/20 7:27:17

According to footage from his GoPro, his last words were, “Bit tricky here but don’t worry guys, I got thi...”

12/08/20 12:48:46

How they got the groom to Mars on his stag night still remains a complete mystery.

04/08/20 20:45:17

It’s quite rare to see a man of this calibre.

10/05/20 19:41:59

lol clever

“Say cheese.”
“Bvoooo.”

04/03/20 17:06:17

“It’s pointless lying to me, I can see right through you.”
“I’ve half a mind to end this relationship.”

27/04/19 7:07:56

lol

The same as other blokes do, use the wife’s flannel.

22/01/19 10:06:44

For Sale: Miniature Tiger Going Cheep

04/06/20 13:50:17

...and he still would’ve been if he’d seen the bus coming a bit sooner.

14/05/20 11:12:47

lol

“I say we call him Huckleberry.”

14/05/20 10:32:38

Fly Chi

18/04/20 21:20:14

“Does it hurt when you go to the toilet?”
“Yes Doctor.”

24/04/19 7:05:26

lol

“I don’t mind being spoiled, but I wish they’d let me wash my own arse.”

15/03/19 12:29:46

Spider plant

22/05/15 12:59:20

Cat proves once and for all that it hasn't got your tongue.

30/08/14 7:32:03

creative

He's lucky he didn't get pissed at the Blue Oyster Bar instead.
He'd have been trying to sell half a drain-pipe, two terrified hamsters and an industrial plunger!
(Well, according to a friend of mine you understand.)

23/06/14 23:24:38

In true Latvian circus burial law, Olav the clown was given a traditional send off.

11/06/14 15:22:40

“Stop fretting Maureen.”

10/03/20 22:14:49

lol

He's playing arse song!

01/07/16 3:40:50

Looks like he’s been in the beer trap again. He’ll sh*g anything when he’s pissed.

12/08/20 19:32:38

“Joe got his pet, but you promised to get me a kitten Daddy?“
“I did but....ahem..”

01/06/20 21:12:12

"Are we there yet?"

06/08/16 19:27:38

With such an odd shaped head, ping pong looking eyes, fat beer belly and jaundice, I'd recognise Brenda anywhere.

22/06/14 2:31:56

Up until it burnt down in 1971, this photo gives us a rare glimpse inside the underground recruitment office for The Ministry Of Silly Walks.

09/05/14 23:00:34

lol

Grandma thinks she’s doing Facebook. Bless.

03/09/20 13:19:17

That awkward next day after your wife has found out you’ve been having an affair and she’s burnt everything you own.

28/05/20 11:56:46

Stoney broke

11/05/20 19:00:49

Goal!!

16/04/20 1:49:53

clever

♫ His Hat Has Got The Sun On...♫

08/03/20 22:20:44

He was eventually thrown in a recycling bin.

06/07/19 7:32:26

Jack marvelled at the proud stance she took to break wind.

29/01/19 15:21:55

Thankfully, the hospital catheters of today, are far less conspicuous than this crude contraption from the 1870's

10/09/14 18:08:42

Since trying out the new German caffine shampoo, Helmut's hair has been up for over 4 days.

28/08/14 19:46:59

lol

When you’ve driven like an idiot to order a double bacon and egg McMuffin and get told “No sorry” because it’s 11.01am.

23/09/20 22:37:28

“What do you mean you planned today so you can kill yourself? What the hell are you on about?”

05/09/20 11:43:25

“I’ve been at this shelter for 3 years. They’re getting a bit desperate now to get me re-homed.”

06/06/20 7:06:39

“Stay on the line please while I connect you to someone who can help.”

27/05/20 19:09:44

As the Police approached, Geoff told his dog to act normal.

24/03/20 8:46:22

Club feet

04/05/19 7:11:00

To produce and record their first single, the band needed sponsorship. They contacted over a thousand companies and businesses but to no avail. Then, just as they were about to give up altogether, they got a phone call from Playtex....

03/05/19 19:33:37

“Tonight on ‘Where Are They Now?’ - Kajagoogoo.”

05/04/19 19:21:58

“Right. I want y’all to put your hands up, then I’m gonna take all your money and all your jewellery, then I’m gonna make y’all strip naked, then I’m gonna shoot y’all. But first...........a song ..”

28/03/19 11:02:17

Wall Huggers Welcome

25/03/19 14:40:57

lol

"He's got his mum's looks, and his dad's legs."
Said Brooklyn's nan when she took this photo of her first grandchild.

27/07/16 12:08:22

Ahmed couldn't understand why she was acting so weird all of a sudden. They'd only been married a week.

02/07/15 16:36:01

There's a wrApp for that.

13/05/14 15:45:55

Jean thought a fiver wasn't bad for an original pair of Pat Butcher's earrings.

03/09/14 7:52:14

There goes Sterling Moss.

22/06/14 12:17:33

Spot The Emu Competition
Mark an 'X' where you think Emu is and win £500!

12/05/14 21:09:07

“Don’t give this drawing to Mummy Chloe. Last night she was banging her head on the fridge door and shouting “Why do we have all these fecking A4 sized shit drawings and paint splodges of fecking rainbows and blobs on here!? I can’t find the fecking fridge door handle anymore. Geoff! come and get me another wottle of bine for fuck sake. Then she told daddy that she swore to drunk she wasn’t God.

12/10/20 15:12:00

lol

When you’re 5,000 miles away on a 2 week “business trip” and you jog to meet your mistress on the beach, but before you reach her, you spot your wife and kids getting out of a light aircraft to give you a wonderful surprise.

09/10/20 22:01:47

Jim wished the bell would ring so he could go to the next speed date.

09/09/20 7:20:46

What’s worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

03/09/20 21:36:19

“There’s just not enough statues anymore.”

02/09/20 11:28:17

“I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy.”

07/08/20 11:04:33

There’s some weird Christmas trees lately.

06/08/20 11:06:08

“Fancy a shot of red eye Sheriff?”
“Not today chlamydia Jane.”

03/08/20 13:08:47

ABBA Road

14/06/20 19:00:50

The men opposed plans to open something called a “Wine Bar”

12/05/20 7:13:06

“Please don’t cave my head in with a spoon.”

05/05/20 7:24:05

“ I’ll keep hold of his leg, you nick what you can from his pockets.”

17/03/20 20:05:35

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor doggy a bone.
But when she got there,
The cupboard fell on her head and flattened her.

23/06/19 20:03:44

After much bidding, the orchestra was finally sold for £58,000.

18/04/19 12:38:29

It’s handy being a witch if you can’t get a signal on your mobile.

16/04/19 15:58:45

Following a mastectomy, Nan had her left breast preserved as a keep sake.

18/03/19 20:10:50

“I so glad we’re married at last darling, but getting on the property ladder could take decades.”

01/03/19 20:06:13

Ever wondered what Ian Botham did with all that Shredded Wheat?

30/08/17 19:19:06

“I know I can only play one chord Agnes, but can you sing something other than Kum ba f*cking yah?”

20/10/20 7:04:55

Typical of people these days. Nobody stops to help.

17/10/20 18:23:41

“Shhhh..I’m going to push him in front of the next bus. I’ll sort my bridesmaid out later.”

23/09/20 12:35:51

“Mummy, now that dad’s on leave from the Army, let’s listen to the afternoon play that you and uncle Bob from next door usually listen to.”

07/09/20 12:59:08

I don’t fancy throwing that back over to next doors much.

26/08/20 8:07:50

“Jenny stop now, I think she’s dead.“

18/08/20 19:41:50

Despite all the hype about the West End’s latest show, it didn’t take off.

13/08/20 9:07:10

“Did you remember to add superglue to your mum’s lipstick?”

31/07/20 20:08:17

Steve lives a high-octane, devil-may-care life on the edge. In fact, as he brazenly loiters, his adrenaline rush is extreme because he left his house knowingly that he didn’t blow the tea-lights out on his mantelpiece!

19/07/20 19:03:10

Police in pursuit of speeding thugs on motorbikes who we’re last seen tearing straight through a dry cleaners.

01/06/20 7:17:58

With Dad isolated elsewhere, Gemma is looking for free lawnmower’s on Gumtree.

03/05/20 20:03:33

Ginger bread

13/04/20 19:06:41

“The transgender op was a success but there’s still a way to go.” Claims Davina (nee Dave.)

23/03/20 9:10:24

Captain Kirk always puts the cat out first thing.

10/03/20 12:36:58

“The swelling will soon subside miss Clarke. It’s a common side effect. Anything I can get you?”

“Bwwuuwuvwuwu bwavabvoovwoowoo”

“With or without mayonnaise?”

04/03/20 15:51:41

“THEY’RE QUITE GOOD AREN’T THEY.”
“PARDON?”
“I SAID, THEY ARE ABSOLUTE SHITE AREN’T THEY.”
“BIRMINGHAM.YOU?”
“VODKA AND COKE.”

30/05/19 2:03:11

Bloody health and safety. You can’t even go to a simple hardcore S&M gimp orgy without going through all that rigmarole.

13/03/19 20:04:11

♫He wears red peppers and a stupid f*cking dress.♫

05/03/19 20:08:43

An attempt to do a remake of ‘The Prisoner’ failed miserably.

21/02/19 12:41:29

"I ain't no mofo fickle." slurred Joe as he tried in vain to kill the fortune-telling fish from his Christmas cracker.

27/08/17 10:52:52

The 19th hole isn't what you expect at Clapham Common Golf Club.

20/08/16 19:18:42

Olga tried to escape from fat camp but didn't get very far.

19/06/15 0:11:52

Once Doreen get's going, she'll make you laugh all day.

18/06/15 12:00:00

There was only two more full body spins, a low 10, high 10, thumb grasp, mid air splits, and a final high 5 then Errol's standard 7 minute handshake would be complete.

06/06/15 11:47:16

Pedro had almost finished moving his stuff into a new apartment, but was dreading going back for the washing machine.

31/05/14 0:59:03

Jenkins was later court marshalled for 'Pausing to sort out a wedgy during a life and death situation.'

30/05/14 13:36:05

The project went well until Jed started pole vaulting. The worst fire since records began.”

05/09/20 19:38:18

Tin Tin goes undercover for his latest mission.

05/08/20 11:31:01

Whilst up there looking for the exercise bike, Pete realised he must get round to reattaching the loft hatch.

03/06/20 13:34:31

Babs likes to make an effort when she goes to Walmart.

02/06/20 9:02:02

“Anyway, enough chat, I’ve got to ride my bike up a steep hill and deliver some bread now.”

14/05/20 10:40:35

Mike doesn’t let a silly thing like a drought stop him.

13/05/20 10:22:11

“Omg what the hell happened to you?”
“I don’t know, it all happened so slow.”

20/04/20 19:30:00

“No, I asked where are you, not what are you doing.”

17/04/20 4:58:57

“I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE!.....But you can call me Vinny...Oooo chase me.”

01/04/20 19:41:17

“Over here Mick, shine the torch, I’ve found the white spirit.”

30/03/20 19:15:49

...Meanwhile, back at the Starsky and Spuds appreciation society....

19/03/20 12:26:46

Never mate with a Hobbit.

16/03/20 16:42:14

Don’t you just hate it when they pixelate faces.

06/07/19 11:18:30

My mate said he’d take me to the Dragon’s Head for a drink on my birthday. I didn’t laugh.

02/07/19 11:00:53

You can always tell when a newbie has read the entire terms and conditions before installing Java.

02/05/19 7:03:45

“We were very tightly packed in the lorry”

18/04/19 19:08:17

“Not that type of rabbit Doreen!” Laughed the supervisor at the community centre’s Easter arts and crafts day.

18/04/19 11:18:34

Frank regretted starting foreplay in the kitchen and finding her G-spot for the first time.

27/03/19 20:03:27

........with an allen key attached to its leg.

20/03/19 21:33:38

What a pro!...Lapse

10/02/19 21:44:52

2 glands 1 cup

01/02/19 12:04:53

Hairy Biker

13/01/19 20:32:50

Bloody poles coming over here taking our photo opportunities.

09/09/17 14:41:14

Palm tree

Nods to 20:00:09 and 20:02:00

30/08/17 19:11:42

Screw that 'No More Nails'

19/08/16 7:42:21

This vintage photo shows how unpleasant a train journey used to be, as there were no seats available and it was very cramped. Thankfully, in this modern day and age, all that has........oh, hang on..

28/05/15 17:01:20

creative

He was so sure he'd perfected his grip technique as he swung her round by the ankles.

24/05/15 20:45:07

Gagpuss

30/08/14 7:15:45

Pepsi report that Michael Jackson has come back to haunt them.

04/07/14 19:47:25

"I would've gotten away with it if weren't for you pesky kids."

23/06/14 15:32:48

Harum Scarum

23/04/14 13:17:07

"Yeah I've got the money, all of it, in cash, in a brown envelope in my handbag. I Just want you to do it quickly and quietly. Call me on my mobile when the job's done."
"Ok, leave it to me. But it would be much easier if you set up direct debits to pay in your monthly bills. I hate queuing up in that bloody post office ma."

03/09/14 16:56:39

Colin has always loved filming the wildlife in and around the canals. But he's never quite been the same since over 30 swans tried to kill him.

02/07/14 19:50:45

Just one day after taking over the business, Max Clifford's son sat waiting for the first secretary applicant to arrive.

14/06/14 16:03:25

Stage 5 of the headbutt management therapy course.

14/06/14 15:04:05

Beachy Head - The movie

01/05/14 20:20:46

The kids don’t realise they are playing in a Moroccan cemetery.

11/09/20 14:41:08

Tom was outraged when Mrs Tom told him the kittens weren’t his.

08/09/20 13:28:51

“Hank we’ve been sat here like this for over 17 hours.”
“I know. I reckon we should’ve just fed her to the pigs.”

01/09/20 19:38:08

“I’ve just done a head count love and 27 of them are not ours.”

28/08/20 10:29:33

“Oh God. Now we’re for it. He’s running back out with a bloody great fish under his arm.”

25/08/20 7:26:59

Ken spent 14 hours staring at the Magic Eye pictures before being told they weren’t Magic Eye Pictures.

17/07/20 17:50:07

Please Take A Leaflet To Find An Insomniac Support Group Near You

10/07/20 1:04:58

“C’mon, let’s not get in a stew over this.”

25/06/20 22:23:50

PG and The Tips

20/06/20 19:35:57

Poor young Harrington-Smythe felt unloved and neglected by his parents, so he decided to run away from home and use his giant pet tortoise as transport.
Two weeks later he was found 30 feet away trying to unlock the garden gate.

17/06/20 20:21:02

Tonight on Domestic Abuse - Untold Stories...We meet Frank from Tennessee:
“My wife of 35 years did this to me the day after we married and she made me stand next to her for hours while she was ironing so she had somewhere to hang my shirts, the linen and all her dresses..........until I shot her.”

16/06/20 10:26:58

The people at number 24 had only had their trampoline set up for a day, and already the neighbours were getting fed up of enthusiastic drunk people landing in their garden. Let alone the effort of throwing them back over the fence.

11/06/20 0:05:26

Carbage

01/06/20 12:18:32

When you’re embarrassed giving family members a lift.

01/06/20 7:21:25

Insane Bolt

19/05/20 1:36:06

He was a rubbish chef

18/05/20 19:45:14

Fish and small fries

14/05/20 10:28:04

The very first AA meeting went down like the Titanic.

12/05/20 7:18:46

As she continued to read aloud and approached chapter 348 of War And Peace, the dog stared over at the vets and longed to be put down.

09/05/20 16:05:45

♫ I believe I’m a fly... ♫

18/04/20 21:30:00

It won’t get far on those legs.

16/04/20 14:50:59

That time when a left over piece of melon decides to eat an annoying portion of colourful fruit that was gaining all the attention.

01/04/20 19:57:25

“Hi honey, I’ve managed to tape the kids.”
“Great! Looking forward to watching it when I get home.”

31/03/20 19:47:49

clever

“I need to powder my nose.”

25/03/20 16:03:41

The guests wished that Marcia would stop and just put a f*cking lid on it.

25/03/20 12:25:21

#9 “Do you think this is a real ghost or a fake? Let us know in the comments section below. Don’t forget to hit that subscribe button!”

21/03/20 12:23:11

They found her granddaughter down at the community centre playing bingo.

14/03/20 20:21:26

Stress balls

14/03/20 8:07:11

Cockney Knees-Ups May Suddenly Occur In This Area

08/03/20 22:26:40

“I think it must have fell from the top of that building up there Dave.”
“I don’t care where it came from, just help me pull this f*cking thing out of my eye!”

03/03/20 8:11:45

Museum commemorates legendary Native American Indians.
Famous last words:
“Stage coach approaching.”
- Chief Big Cloud

12/09/19 12:44:12

....and when a genie appeared from the brass lamp I was polishing, I knew I was being set up by my mates, so when the genie granted me 3 wishes, I thought I’d play along. For my first wish, I asked for a million pounds. There was a puff of smoke and a million quid was piled up in front of me. Wow! This was the best prank ever.
For my second wish, I asked for beautiful, sexy women to fancy me wherever I went. He clicked his fingers and suddenly I was surrounded by hot babes. I couldn’t believe this was happening! He asked me for my final wish, (and I regret this now.) I said I wanted to be a green chair with real arms and legs....”

08/07/19 19:56:12

A game of Russian Roulette ends in death by a bullet.
A game of Russian Strip Poker ends in death by hypothermia.

25/06/19 19:11:06

“Right you lot, now listen to me. Let he who has not sinned, cast the first...Ouch! Aarrgh! Oower!

27/04/19 19:31:34

“Raymond, can I have my colander back you freak. I want a divorce.”

23/04/19 12:13:21

The Hits family discover their daughter Lodaa is dyslexic.

07/04/19 19:49:55

Inaconda

23/03/19 21:24:15

What’s worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Err.....

17/03/19 23:24:49

When I said put Daz in the washing machine, I meant the bloody powder!

24/02/19 20:00:47

His colleague is a boom boy, but Pete is a dolly grip.

04/02/19 20:20:03

The source: ‘Crater of kilauea’ is Hawaiian for: ‘Contents from hoover bag’.

03/02/19 12:59:00

Omg. So last year.

22/01/19 1:47:49

I used to work in that shop. No one ever came in.

15/01/19 11:48:49

Marley Davidson

13/01/19 20:01:46

As soon as Hurricane Irma ended, the Virgin Islanders wasted no time in getting urgent provisions sent over to Richard Branson.

21/09/17 19:34:01

"Did you just call me a Kent?"

09/08/16 7:04:16

Understanding their plight, a passer-by gave them 2 tickets to see Jim Davidson's matinee show at The Empire down the road.

03/08/16 4:41:42

David Blaine discovers his ancestry on this week's 'Who Do You Think You Are'

06/10/15 12:31:44

Mel takes Feng Shui very seriously according to her concerned family and friends.

18/07/15 13:32:06

After an embarrassing occurrence whilst opening out a sun lounger earlier, Sal came up with a way to ensure his swimming trunks wouldn't fall down again.

16/07/15 8:02:18

"Look if you don't believe me! This cheque came this morning from Readers Digest, I've won the jackpot!"

18/06/15 5:10:39

"......No, you let go first."

28/05/15 6:50:56

As professional as ever, the over 60's Clog 'n' Click Formation Team went ahead with the performance, hoping no one would notice they'd forgotten to bring the skipping ropes.

25/05/15 17:37:36

That dog is an excellent ventriloquist.

22/05/15 13:41:44

Eye Candy Crush

20/05/15 16:02:28

Flying Without Wings

18/05/15 19:14:53