lol

As a funeral director, I should never have agreed to the, ‘Take Your Kids To Work Day’ initiative.

30/03/20 13:59:43

creative clever

Storm Ciara wreaks havoc across the UK:
“I was lucky, a trampoline missed me by an inch and the bloke over the road is wearing a shed.”

13/02/20 12:29:29

You always could tell Pete had a bad hangover by the size of the ice pack.

21/03/20 20:05:38

lol

That look when you spot your wife with another man and you can’t do anything about it because you’re a statue.

09/05/19 20:28:46

lol creative

“Help I can’t untangle my hands”

15/03/20 21:00:26

Canoepés

21/09/17 20:32:23

lol

Oscar Pistorius's campaign bus

24/07/16 12:40:44

In a shocking autobiography out next week, entitled “I hated the bastard” Captain Birdseye’s granddaughter tells all.

13/02/20 22:53:41

creative

She's hoping that a few minor adjustments to her new skirt, will help take away the emphasis from her massive arse.

23/08/17 20:40:55

lol creative

Uri Geller makes a start on corrogating a new door for his storage unit.

15/06/15 12:38:19

Having just had two Bishop's Fingers, Brendan needed a drink.

09/05/14 9:02:16

lol clever

“Say cheese.”
“Bvoooo.”

04/03/20 17:06:17

“It’s pointless lying to me, I can see right through you.”
“I’ve half a mind to end this relationship.”

27/04/19 8:07:56

lol

The same as other blokes do, use the wife’s flannel.

22/01/19 10:06:44

“Does it hurt when you go to the toilet?”
“Yes Doctor.”

24/04/19 8:05:26

lol

“I don’t mind being spoiled, but I wish they’d let me wash my own arse.”

15/03/19 12:29:46

Spider plant

22/05/15 13:59:20

Cat proves once and for all that it hasn't got your tongue.

30/08/14 8:32:03

creative

He's lucky he didn't get pissed at the Blue Oyster Bar instead.
He'd have been trying to sell half a drain-pipe, two terrified hamsters and an industrial plunger!
(Well, according to a friend of mine you understand.)

24/06/14 0:24:38

In true Latvian circus burial law, Olav the clown was given a traditional send off.

11/06/14 16:22:40

“Stop fretting Maureen.”

10/03/20 22:14:49

lol

He's playing arse song!

01/07/16 4:40:50

"Are we there yet?"

06/08/16 20:27:38

With such an odd shaped head, ping pong looking eyes, fat beer belly and jaundice, I'd recognise Brenda anywhere.

22/06/14 3:31:56

Up until it burnt down in 1971, this photo gives us a rare glimpse inside the underground recruitment office for The Ministry Of Silly Walks.

10/05/14 0:00:34

clever

♫ His Hat Has Got The Sun On...♫

08/03/20 22:20:44

He was eventually thrown in a recycling bin.

06/07/19 8:32:26

Jack marvelled at the proud stance she took to break wind.

29/01/19 15:21:55

Thankfully, the hospital catheters of today, are far less conspicuous than this crude contraption from the 1870's

10/09/14 19:08:42

Since trying out the new German caffine shampoo, Helmut's hair has been up for over 4 days.

28/08/14 20:46:59

As the Police approached, Geoff told his dog to act normal.

24/03/20 8:46:22

Club feet

04/05/19 8:11:00

To produce and record their first single, the band needed sponsorship. They contacted over a thousand companies and businesses but to no avail. Then, just as they were about to give up altogether, they got a phone call from Playtex....

03/05/19 20:33:37

“Tonight on ‘Where Are They Now?’ - Kajagoogoo.”

05/04/19 20:21:58

“Right. I want y’all to put your hands up, then I’m gonna take all your money and all your jewellery, then I’m gonna make y’all strip naked, then I’m gonna shoot y’all. But first...........a song ..”

28/03/19 11:02:17

Wall Huggers Welcome

25/03/19 14:40:57

lol

"He's got his mum's looks, and his dad's legs."
Said Brooklyn's nan when she took this photo of her first grandchild.

27/07/16 13:08:22

Ahmed couldn't understand why she was acting so weird all of a sudden. They'd only been married a week.

02/07/15 17:36:01

There's a wrApp for that.

13/05/14 16:45:55

Jean thought a fiver wasn't bad for an original pair of Pat Butcher's earrings.

03/09/14 8:52:14

There goes Sterling Moss.

22/06/14 13:17:33

Spot The Emu Competition
Mark an 'X' where you think Emu is and win £500!

12/05/14 22:09:07

“ I’ll keep hold of his leg, you nick what you can from his pockets.”

17/03/20 20:05:35

Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor doggy a bone.
But when she got there,
The cupboard fell on her head and flattened her.

23/06/19 21:03:44

After much bidding, the orchestra was finally sold for £58,000.

18/04/19 13:38:29

It’s handy being a witch if you can’t get a signal on your mobile.

16/04/19 16:58:45

Following a mastectomy, Nan had her left breast preserved as a keep sake.

18/03/19 20:10:50

“I so glad we’re married at last darling, but getting on the property ladder could take decades.”

01/03/19 20:06:13

Ever wondered what Ian Botham did with all that Shredded Wheat?

30/08/17 20:19:06

“The transgender op was a success but there’s still a way to go.” Claims Davina (nee Dave.)

23/03/20 9:10:24

Captain Kirk always puts the cat out first thing.

10/03/20 12:36:58

“The swelling will soon subside miss Clarke. It’s a common side effect. Anything I can get you?”

“Bwwuuwuvwuwu bwavabvoovwoowoo”

“With or without mayonnaise?”

04/03/20 15:51:41

“THEY’RE QUITE GOOD AREN’T THEY.”
“PARDON?”
“I SAID, THEY ARE ABSOLUTE SHITE AREN’T THEY.”
“BIRMINGHAM.YOU?”
“VODKA AND COKE.”

30/05/19 3:03:11

Bloody health and safety. You can’t even go to a simple hardcore S&M gimp orgy without going through all that rigmarole.

13/03/19 20:04:11

♫He wears red peppers and a stupid f*cking dress.♫

05/03/19 20:08:43

An attempt to do a remake of ‘The Prisoner’ failed miserably.

21/02/19 12:41:29

"I ain't no mofo fickle." slurred Joe as he tried in vain to kill the fortune-telling fish from his Christmas cracker.

27/08/17 11:52:52

The 19th hole isn't what you expect at Clapham Common Golf Club.

20/08/16 20:18:42

Olga tried to escape from fat camp but didn't get very far.

19/06/15 1:11:52

Once Doreen get's going, she'll make you laugh all day.

18/06/15 13:00:00

There was only two more full body spins, a low 10, high 10, thumb grasp, mid air splits, and a final high 5 then Errol's standard 7 minute handshake would be complete.

06/06/15 12:47:16

Pedro had almost finished moving his stuff into a new apartment, but was dreading going back for the washing machine.

31/05/14 1:59:03

Jenkins was later court marshalled for 'Pausing to sort out a wedgy during a life and death situation.'

30/05/14 14:36:05

“I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE!.....But you can call me Vinny...Oooo chase me.”

01/04/20 20:41:17

“Over here Mick, shine the torch, I’ve found the white spirit.”

30/03/20 20:15:49

...Meanwhile, back at the Starsky and Spuds appreciation society....

19/03/20 12:26:46

Never mate with a Hobbit.

16/03/20 16:42:14

Don’t you just hate it when they pixelate faces.

06/07/19 12:18:30

My mate said he’d take me to the Dragon’s Head for a drink on my birthday. I didn’t laugh.

02/07/19 12:00:53

You can always tell when a newbie has read the entire terms and conditions before installing Java.

02/05/19 8:03:45

“We were very tightly packed in the lorry”

18/04/19 20:08:17

“Not that type of rabbit Doreen!” Laughed the supervisor at the community centre’s Easter arts and crafts day.

18/04/19 12:18:34

Frank regretted starting foreplay in the kitchen and finding her G-spot for the first time.

27/03/19 20:03:27

........with an allen key attached to its leg.

20/03/19 21:33:38

What a pro!...Lapse

10/02/19 21:44:52

2 glands 1 cup

01/02/19 12:04:53

Hairy Biker

13/01/19 20:32:50

Bloody poles coming over here taking our photo opportunities.

09/09/17 15:41:14

Palm tree

Nods to 20:00:09 and 20:02:00

30/08/17 20:11:42

Screw that 'No More Nails'

19/08/16 8:42:21

This vintage photo shows how unpleasant a train journey used to be, as there were no seats available and it was very cramped. Thankfully, in this modern day and age, all that has........oh, hang on..

28/05/15 18:01:20

creative

He was so sure he'd perfected his grip technique as he swung her round by the ankles.

24/05/15 21:45:07

Gagpuss

30/08/14 8:15:45

Pepsi report that Michael Jackson has come back to haunt them.

04/07/14 20:47:25

"I would've gotten away with it if weren't for you pesky kids."

23/06/14 16:32:48

Harum Scarum

23/04/14 14:17:07

"Yeah I've got the money, all of it, in cash, in a brown envelope in my handbag. I Just want you to do it quickly and quietly. Call me on my mobile when the job's done."
"Ok, leave it to me. But it would be much easier if you set up direct debits to pay in your monthly bills. I hate queuing up in that bloody post office ma."

03/09/14 17:56:39

Colin has always loved filming the wildlife in and around the canals. But he's never quite been the same since over 30 swans tried to kill him.

02/07/14 20:50:45

Just one day after taking over the business, Max Clifford's son sat waiting for the first secretary applicant to arrive.

14/06/14 17:03:25

Stage 5 of the headbutt management therapy course.

14/06/14 16:04:05

Beachy Head - The movie

01/05/14 21:20:46

That time when a left over piece of melon decides to eat an annoying portion of colourful fruit that was gaining all the attention.

01/04/20 20:57:25

“Hi honey, I’ve managed to tape the kids.”
“Great! Looking forward to watching it when I get home.”

31/03/20 20:47:49

clever

“I need to powder my nose.”

25/03/20 16:03:41

The guests wished that Marcia would stop and just put a f*cking lid on it.

25/03/20 12:25:21

#9 “Do you think this is a real ghost or a fake? Let us know in the comments section below. Don’t forget to hit that subscribe button!”

21/03/20 12:23:11

They found her granddaughter down at the community centre playing bingo.

14/03/20 20:21:26

Stress balls

14/03/20 8:07:11

Cockney Knees-Ups May Suddenly Occur In This Area

08/03/20 22:26:40

“I think it must have fell from the top of that building up there Dave.”
“I don’t care where it came from, just help me pull this f*cking thing out of my eye!”

03/03/20 8:11:45

Museum commemorates legendary Native American Indians.
Famous last words:
“Stage coach approaching.”
- Chief Big Cloud

12/09/19 13:44:12

....and when a genie appeared from the brass lamp I was polishing, I knew I was being set up by my mates, so when the genie granted me 3 wishes, I thought I’d play along. For my first wish, I asked for a million pounds. There was a puff of smoke and a million quid was piled up in front of me. Wow! This was the best prank ever.
For my second wish, I asked for beautiful, sexy women to fancy me wherever I went. He clicked his fingers and suddenly I was surrounded by hot babes. I couldn’t believe this was happening! He asked me for my final wish, (and I regret this now.) I said I wanted to be a green chair with real arms and legs....”

08/07/19 20:56:12

A game of Russian Roulette ends in death by a bullet.
A game of Russian Strip Poker ends in death by hypothermia.

25/06/19 20:11:06

“Right you lot, now listen to me. Let he who has not sinned, cast the first...Ouch! Aarrgh! Oower!

27/04/19 20:31:34

“Raymond, can I have my colander back you freak. I want a divorce.”

23/04/19 13:13:21

The Hits family discover their daughter Lodaa is dyslexic.

07/04/19 20:49:55

Inaconda

23/03/19 21:24:15

What’s worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Err.....

17/03/19 23:24:49

When I said put Daz in the washing machine, I meant the bloody powder!

24/02/19 20:00:47

His colleague is a boom boy, but Pete is a dolly grip.

04/02/19 20:20:03

The source: ‘Crater of kilauea’ is Hawaiian for: ‘Contents from hoover bag’.

03/02/19 12:59:00

Omg. So last year.

22/01/19 1:47:49

I used to work in that shop. No one ever came in.

15/01/19 11:48:49

Marley Davidson

13/01/19 20:01:46

As soon as Hurricane Irma ended, the Virgin Islanders wasted no time in getting urgent provisions sent over to Richard Branson.

21/09/17 20:34:01

"Did you just call me a Kent?"

09/08/16 8:04:16

Understanding their plight, a passer-by gave them 2 tickets to see Jim Davidson's matinee show at The Empire down the road.

03/08/16 5:41:42

David Blaine discovers his ancestry on this week's 'Who Do You Think You Are'

06/10/15 13:31:44

Mel takes Feng Shui very seriously according to her concerned family and friends.

18/07/15 14:32:06

After an embarrassing occurrence whilst opening out a sun lounger earlier, Sal came up with a way to ensure his swimming trunks wouldn't fall down again.

16/07/15 9:02:18

"Look if you don't believe me! This cheque came this morning from Readers Digest, I've won the jackpot!"

18/06/15 6:10:39

"......No, you let go first."

28/05/15 7:50:56

As professional as ever, the over 60's Clog 'n' Click Formation Team went ahead with the performance, hoping no one would notice they'd forgotten to bring the skipping ropes.

25/05/15 18:37:36

That dog is an excellent ventriloquist.

22/05/15 14:41:44

Eye Candy Crush

20/05/15 17:02:28

Flying Without Wings

18/05/15 20:14:53

It can get very boring if you accidentally get locked in the stationery cupboard over night.

15/05/15 8:37:00

Russian poolette

10/05/15 17:32:42

Little Red Riding Hoody

04/05/15 17:20:16

Prisoner of War Horse

23/04/15 7:05:16

Bob was ecstatic that his Over 50’s Sun Life insurance plan had been accepted.

Mon 12:40:45

I only wear these to change a lightbulb.

26/03/20 2:11:55

“...and this one I hunted down and captured from a charity shop in Daventry.”

12/03/20 22:52:49

I used to get turned on by men in standard sweaters, but seeing a man in a belted sweater has sent me into a whole new sexual dimension!

05/03/20 17:16:36

Apparently, they squandered their earnings on sects, drums and rock hard rollers!

03/03/20 22:14:30

As they posed for photographs, Zelda feared that Jack’s bow tie would have her eye out, should he turn around swiftly.

03/03/20 7:10:18

The procedure you see here, is a common method to aid a constipated camel move its bowels.
The bloke chewing on a ceiling fan is just the local nutter.

18/02/20 4:16:35

No one believed this picture was taken in Scotland.

27/07/19 3:47:20

In their defence, the baby’s parents claimed: “We were just preparing him in advance to not fear his MMR vaccination.”

23/07/19 18:17:39

“Tonight On: Where Are They Now?...
Professor Slughorn.”

08/07/19 20:09:59

“Yes I suppose we do take recycling seriously.”

30/06/19 21:54:15

Give a man the means to fish and his family will never starve.
Give a man bricks and his wife can build the house while he’s out fishing with the lads.

30/06/19 18:03:14

A professional lip reader has told the media that during the rather embarrassing ‘incident’, The President’s wife mouthed discretely to the guard to say, “After this photo shoot, I want you to drag the disgusting beast as far away from me as possible and chop its f*cking balls off.” The president, who must’ve been unaware of the ‘incident’, heard what his wife had said and replied nervously, “You are so over dramatic. Nothing happened last night I swear. It was just a drunken fumble with Pierre the valet. How did you find out?”
His wife turned to guard again and said, “Can you also do the same to the mongrel on my left as well please.”

23/06/19 9:23:36

Police arrest a male cashier from a nearby petrol station for sign vandalism. Apparently, he caught the Diesel Pump Attendant servicing his wife.

12/06/19 4:16:22

“Hi Sarah. Please tell me you didn’t fall asleep at the party last night, because apparently Josh had his eyebrows shaved off, Kevin got tattooed on his butt and Jenny’s face has been coloured in with green indelible ink!”
“I fell asleep.”

05/06/19 23:29:57

Nell Gwynn’s rival - Gloria Stits

09/05/19 8:35:38

Quasi knew he was an ugly cat. Having unsightly moles on his face didn’t help.

03/05/19 12:45:46

I wonder what that little notice says. Without my glasses I can’t weed it.

02/05/19 20:01:17

Never judge a bog by its cover

24/04/19 20:52:31

“....I used be a break dancer in my teens.”

18/04/19 20:04:03

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Lennon

09/04/19 20:03:24

I might try a bottle of that. Full of protein apparently.

06/04/19 20:00:24

After 35 years, the Amazonian Bombungii tribe, finally release the annoyingly perfect woman from the Timotei adverts.

31/03/19 21:41:36

Baahrain

25/03/19 20:07:37

The downside to Rupert’s amazing ‘live beard’ is that he doesn’t get to eat his own bogeys anymore.

18/03/19 19:14:16

Upon asking about how their whirlwind romance came about, they replied, “We don’t know, it all happened so slow.”

02/03/19 23:17:23

Going to work was like a walk in the park for Malik.

26/02/19 20:58:47

Out of 37 contestants, just 4 remain in the annual sponsored: ‘ Who Can Hang Upside Down The Longest?’ Competition.
All proceeds go towards the ‘Living With A Flat Head Foundation’.

19/02/19 20:51:47

The only situation where you’re worried you may ‘drop off’ to sleep.

16/02/19 21:34:52

I’d take that tattoo artist to the cleaners if I were him.

16/02/19 15:05:14

“Why don’t we get a cup of tea like the chimps did?”

09/02/19 23:40:39

“..........shoulders knees and toes..”

07/02/19 16:38:04

“This is harder than untangling the bloody Christmas lights.”

04/02/19 13:33:00

Bum bag

03/02/19 20:00:23

Fly tipping.

15/01/19 11:30:02

“And the winner of the January 2019 Darwin award goes to.......”

13/01/19 20:43:07

Doggone

13/01/19 20:01:05

“I’m 84 you know!”

13/01/19 18:46:11

“I take it you didn’t notice I was asleep on top of the caravan before you set off on bloody holiday to Wales.”

12/01/19 3:09:00

Now it was Father Dougal's turn to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse.

30/09/17 3:00:35

Cadbury's Queen Egg

20/09/17 12:35:00

How many more f*cking times do I have to prove that I haven't got anyone else's tongue?!

17/09/17 18:35:53

Beverly Hillbilly

08/09/17 9:16:32

"Don't worry, the doctor will come back as soon as he's stopped laughing." Said the nurse.

03/09/17 17:30:21

I wouldn't sit up there, but I bet Edward Woodward would

30/08/17 20:22:38

"....So welcome back to the second auditions of 'Zombie Factor' Daniel. I've been reading up on your many credentials, and it says here that you once played a dead body in an armchair for an unbelievable 9 days and nights as part of an undercover sting to highlight the neglect in a Leighton Buzzard care-home! Yet amazingly, you managed to top that by getting the part of an extra in a Noel Edmonds show! Well Daniel, I don't think you need it but, good luck mate, the judges are ready."

30/08/17 19:40:54

Everyone stared in awe at the New billboard erection.

29/08/17 0:35:52

Playing APPy Families

28/08/17 22:28:05

Maria knew something wasn't right. Then she remembered the warning her grandmother had given her when she was a child,
'Never eat mini fried terrapin served by a waiter on stilts'

Nod to 12.05.07

27/08/17 15:12:40

Whore d'oeuvres

27/08/17 12:11:53

"Come out! Come out now!" Shouted Jon's team mates through a peep hole on the Finnish version of The Crystal Maze.

19/08/16 21:20:46

Following a 6 hour rescue operation, Gazza is banned from mowing the lawn for 2 years.

16/08/16 23:36:09

Summer fete's in Korea, don't quite have the same atmosphere as the typical British ones.

16/08/16 7:05:41

Coming up: When DIY Perma-Stiff, penis enlargement and steroid based scrotum lifts go horribly wrong.

04/08/16 2:46:13

Today's topic: Impregnation via anonymous sperm donatation - What are the risks?

02/08/16 23:34:08

Made In China

01/08/16 22:48:07

"Wow. Look what's just ahead love!
I've seen this on YouTube. These pavement artists are amazing. So reali "

30/07/16 11:39:57

Bet they'll still be a teaspoon left when they empty the sink.

27/07/16 13:37:32

"Not even beer helps." Thought the lion sadly. "I'm still petrified."

20/07/16 21:38:50

The routine was almost perfect until Nadia put her foot in it.

16/07/16 15:37:22

The driver had to explain to Chang that that being told to get 'on' the bus, means the same as being told to get 'in' it.

11/07/16 6:47:01

Lambs tend to venture into the bull's field just the once.

09/10/15 12:14:50

That look when you buy an iced lolly and the ice cream man tells you that he's your real father.

04/10/15 21:55:28

"But my hair looks f**king stupid dad."

28/09/15 9:11:17

At the psychiatric unit's youth club, Alf proudly watches his name being written on the Musical Chairs winners board for the 38th week running.

18/07/15 0:56:21

He could've at least shaved his bikini paragraph.

16/07/15 8:18:06

"Why the long faces?"
"Are you taking to us or the cops?"

16/07/15 6:35:34

After the fire, this was all that remained from Molly's 'Speed Shagging' emporium.

30/06/15 13:49:10

Day one of the annual camping trip for retired professors with dementia, and as usual, Ludwig was first to the shower block.

12/06/15 18:36:20

This was definitely created by a bloke. There's no toilet paper.

16/05/15 22:12:24