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	"How do you think Private Fritz will react when we fire him out the cannon?" "I think he'll go ballistic." 16/07/22 8:01:38	20

	lol x2 "Hi dad! Mum's been cooking again." 16/02/22 20:32:37	20

	clever "Say Arnie! Those nurses are real jokers, they wrote 'Rocky' on my bed chart." "I know, but they can't spell, they wrote 'Terminate' on mine." 18/12/21 12:03:30	17

	"So I took two fish and five loaves and fed five thousand people." "Well I take really cheap end chicken, cover it in this dust crap I call my secret recipe, and sell it to millions of people a day." "Now that is a miracle." 02/12/21 8:02:31	16

	"What's he do for a living?" "He's a bouncer." 19/02/22 20:43:31	1 15

	Looks fizzically impossible.. 24/12/21 8:12:30	15

	Unfortunately, later that day, Dave was eaten by a cow. 29/04/22 8:13:49	14

	Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go Which she later regretted. Especially when she qualified for the winter Olympics. 27/02/22 12:17:10	14

	"Who's on the till tonight?" "Stew." 06/12/21 20:01:37	14

	"Sorry, you're a bit too macho for me. I was after a camper van." 02/03/22 8:57:19	1 13
When I saw this in an obituary for Dale Winton...'He owned a £5 million home [but] when filming his TV shows, Winton preferred a camper van'...I couldn't help noticing the accidental wordplay. --Glad You Remember
	"Oh for fuck's sake Dave! Just take it off, it's only a cold sore." 10/03/22 8:02:19	12

	It was a lovely funeral...strange but lovely. 23/12/21 10:38:54	1 12

	Back then the education system was quite basic... "And this here, children, is what we call a window." 13/12/21 12:01:27	1 12
In those days, you had to pay to attend school. It was none of this lardy dah luxury tax based education you get nowadays. --Glyn Evans
	"Well! That's the last time I wear that jumper at the Muslim swingers club." 08/12/21 8:05:09	12

	"And that's for making such a mess of the bedsheets last night." "Sorry! But you know I only come once a year." 06/12/21 8:05:36	12

	I'll baguetting up now.. 24/07/22 8:40:15	11

	It wasn't long before the bubble burst 06/07/22 8:24:21	11

	"Did you get any formal training on how to clean the streets, Darth?" "No! They said just pick it up as you go along " 17/03/22 8:06:20	10

	"Sorry to be cruel, but it looks nothing like it!" Said Amy, as they unveiled the statue based on her prize winning drawing. 07/03/22 12:02:12	10

	"Here you go mate! You can park your bike here." 06/01/22 12:09:29	10

	creative "Quick, Shakespeare is announcing who's won the best mobile rave venue." "Now is the winner of our disco tents." 29/12/21 20:06:34	10

	Born with no head...I learnt to talk out of my arse...Here is my story. 19/12/21 20:32:38	10

	More embarrassment for the Tories, as leaked photos show last years Christmas party had a Black Lives Matter theme. 15/12/21 12:07:41	10

	Gator Aid 10/09/22 20:21:07	9

	And I chews you... 06/07/22 8:00:26	9

	"Congratulations Mr Smithers. You are this year's World Hide And Seek champion." 31/03/22 20:59:41	9

	"come on guys! We gotta relearn all this doctor shit. Patients are demanding the return of face to face consultations." 19/03/22 8:09:02	9

	"This happens everytime you put the 'Bambi' DVD on." 07/03/22 20:12:57	9

	lol "Hello is that 'Wank Mags R us'. Yea I ordered a bumper deal and was assured, they'd be delivered discreetly, in a package designed not to draw attention." 21/02/22 12:07:58	1 9

	Worst prostitute I ever hired. I got stung for fifty dollars 11/01/22 8:04:09	9

	I think Dave's got a drinking problem.. 20/12/21 20:30:44	9

	"How come you split up with the wife, Dave?" "Oh, she gave me too much lip." 16/05/22 8:06:58	8

	Till Darth do us part.. 08/03/22 20:22:13	8

	"This is the second one I've caught this week. They can't resist the smell of hot melted fudge I put in the pot." 17/02/22 8:06:11	8

	clever "Ahh! Remember we used to buy those hats from the origami shop on the pier." "Oh yea. I wonder what ever happened to that?" "It folded." 13/02/22 8:14:36	8

	"Billy I have something to tell you... Your father was a praying mantis." 08/01/22 20:07:40	1 8
"So how come I've never met my father?" "Well, um... he was very good at providing for his family." "I've always felt like I have a little bit of him inside of me." --Willie Johnson
	In the bleak mid winter People made to moan Earth was in pandemic Rules were writ in stone While the hordes had fallen Tory parties flowed In the bleak mid winter Not so long ago.. 09/12/21 8:00:35	2 8
Maybe "hordes" rather than "hoards"? --Molly R
	Dodgy meat in Tesco again. That man's just put a saddle on that lasagne. . 08/12/21 20:10:43	1 8
"They'll try and kick us out. It's a big store, they'll have to Findus first" --Glyn Evans
	My Lidl Pony.. 08/12/21 20:01:10	8

	Souperman 06/12/21 20:32:44	8

	I told you, you'd have a saur head in the morning 10/06/22 8:06:20	7

	lol clever NOT A CAPTION Karyn ...olive branch...love stoneface 07/03/22 20:05:17	6 7
I love it when a caption starts out with "NOT A CAPTION" and gets lots of votes. It's so ironic. By the way, this is not a comment. --Willie Johnson
	This made the bus driver do a ewe turn.. 03/03/22 8:09:15	7

	BANG BANG "Charlie! Are in there pretending you're conducting the Royal Philharmonic again? I've warned you about that behaviour." "No mum. I'm just masturbating. Honest." 14/02/22 8:47:11	7

	Here's my wooden pram, with its wooden wheels. There was only one problem with it. It wooden go. 29/12/21 12:16:23	3 7
Yew wood think her footwear might be part of the problem, wooden shoe? --Willie Johnson
	"Mum!! Grandad's been snorting the Viagra again." 21/12/21 12:00:56	7

	Not the best ventriloquist act I've ever seen. 17/12/21 8:10:20	7

	"I bet five pound it floats!" "Well I bet five pounds it sinks like a stone." Thousands gathered to see Dobbin's trial, after it was accused of being a witch.. 16/12/21 8:05:50	3 7
"This isn't working. Someone fetch a duck." --Crunchy Chords
	"John. Let me introduce you to Jim. He's had a big hand in my success." 13/12/21 8:38:03	7

	"Does that jumper represent Paris and the danger of climate change?" "No! It's the first ever Ku Klux Klan swimathon at Blackpool." 11/09/22 8:12:12, edited: 11/09/22 8:45:26	3 6
Ever notice how the people with their own private jets, luxury yachts and limousines tend to be avid climate change advocates? --Neil Mackenzie
	"Till death do us part...Or the 5.15 to Newcastle." 30/04/22 12:21:03	6

	"Are they Victorian cross dressers?" "I think so. They certainly don't look happy." 08/04/22 8:02:49	6

	"Be careful round here, it's a very rough neighbourhood. Only last week some one stole the river." 25/03/22 8:02:52	2 6
Bank robbers? --Vanessa the Guesser
	Wow! Your house really is open plan.. 19/03/22 12:57:33	6

	"I didn't like the size and shape of our new pool. But after a few gentle strokes it grew on me." 22/02/22 9:34:10	6

	"I'd say I was upper middle class. I've got a degree in mathematics and own a detached house." "I'd say I was middle class. I've got a management job and own a semi-detached house." "I've got me own shovel." 19/02/22 13:01:52	6

	Baloo Movie 02/02/22 8:43:17	6

	Apparently, he was just enjoying an ice cream in the park, when a small child bit him." 25/01/22 8:06:56	6

	"Does anyone have any objections? Speak now or forever hold your tongue." "Err...Just one minor objection from me...Could you get rid of that friggin' bouquet, please." 14/01/22 20:22:46	3 6
He looks like he's about to kick the bouquet... --James Lennox
	"Ok nearly ready for the zoom meeting. Oh watch you don't sit on my dildo, I left it on the bed and it goes full throttle when touched." 07/01/22 20:06:23	6

	"How sick is she, To be lying in that airport waiting thingy?" "Terminal." "Jeezus, the poor girl." 23/12/21 8:51:39	6

	In the town of Salem, police have finally figured out, why so many girls had turned to Satan worship.. 08/12/21 8:01:56	1 6
Yep, it's true. Satan does work in mysterious ways. --Glyn Evans
	Pa boiled.. 06/12/21 21:10:19	6

	"I must go and sort my sack out now." "Sorry Santa! I didn't mean to hit it so hard." 06/12/21 8:03:40	6

	When did he die? Chewsday 14/09/22 12:04:16	5

	"Well you'll all be pleased to know, I got my old job back as the village idiot." 20/07/22 8:11:20	1 5
He never lost it. --Barrie Bullock
	BREAKING NEWS.... A sinkhole appeared in a children's playground today. The local council said they are looking into it. 06/07/22 20:41:19	5

	I always got the feeling mum was ashamed of my uglier sister.. 28/05/22 8:29:33	5

	"Oh shit Dave!! I've just realised, I left my stash of skunk in your mum's salad drawer." 09/05/22 12:05:52	5

	Thanks to their poorly mistreated and under paid staff, who help them dress. This Victorian blind couple pose for their annual Christmas photograph. 08/04/22 8:07:20	5

	"Wow! That was nearly as painful as watching 'Wild Wild West'." 30/03/22 20:21:42	5

	These were made from a cast of my girlfriend's body. Luckily she has a back shaped like a sink and a neck as long as a tap. I don't know who they got to do the bottom half. 18/03/22 8:07:31	5

	Remember kids! Never eat sprouts and gunpowder. 10/03/22 20:07:08	5

	"And the picnic's in their convenient rear storage units." 06/03/22 8:08:04	5

	No thanks am not into trannies 02/03/22 8:03:41	5

	"Listen Buddy! Those tits are still mine." Said the father 01/03/22 12:02:31	5

	"It says 'Sorry luv..Running late ..just in pub with mates be there as soon as I can..PS If I don't get there just tell them I do..By the way..What's for tea x'. " 29/01/22 12:06:27	5

	"As part of my training to go to Mars, they said I had to get a job in Wetherspoons for six months." "Why?" "So I could get used to working in a place with no atmosphere." 29/12/21 9:42:36	5

	"What's that spiky hairy thing, dad?" "That's just his little pet hedgehog, son." "Really! The size of the cock on it." 24/12/21 20:33:39	5

	" And that is how I fitted in to my Ryanair economy seat." 19/12/21 20:29:11	5

	"Yeah so my boyfriend asked me to pick a tattoo for him to get. So as a suprise, I got a picture drawn of myself and hid it in his wallet amongst his receipts. I texted him and told him to look in his wallet, and he'll find the biggest love of his life, the one thing he looks forward to everyday, and that should be the tattoo to get....Can't wait to see it." 18/12/21 20:29:56	5

	Peter Pan.. 06/12/21 20:02:04	5

	"Jeezus! How did that thing end up growing on you?" "It started with a mole on my arse." Said the octopus. 05/12/21 20:16:48	5

	Telly phone.. 05/12/21 8:00:19	5

	"How did you find your runaway bride, Farmer Ted?" "I tractor down I did." 10/09/22 8:41:19	4

	i think her hair looks Brillo.. 30/07/22 12:01:47	4

	That had me in creases 17/07/22 12:29:12	4

	"Well it's not the smartest escape plan we've ever discovered." 16/07/22 8:21:09	4

	"Wow!! That packet of 'Instant Man..Just add water' Really does work. 21/05/22 20:46:13	4

	"Did that traumatic experience scar you for life?" "Yeah, I think it did. I can still remember that foul smell and the weird creepy noises it made. To be honest it was the first time I'd had a small child sit on my lap, so it was to be expected." 21/05/22 8:15:24	4

	"Hurry up! Am getting married in half an hour." 02/05/22 8:21:11	4

	Scientist Dave, has always had ethical questions about his experiments, with the white lab mice. 01/05/22 8:57:58	4

	"Virgin?" "No,Avanti North West." 30/04/22 12:25:18	4

	A crazy egotistical despot, who'd gladly see the world destroyed, as long as it made him look good. The other one is Putin. 27/03/22 20:08:39	4

	When she went in for breast enhancement, she said she wanted a lager pair. 15/03/22 20:11:23	4

	"Julie! It looks like you forgot to use the foot pump on your hat, again." 14/03/22 12:12:29	4

	She doesn't like smooth shaved men. she's always liked the aries. 10/03/22 8:05:54	4

	First day of the cricket season in England 05/03/22 20:36:24	4

	Police close down a Victorian strip joint. 05/03/22 12:20:10	4

	Elon Musk's not so successful first foray into electric cars. 04/03/22 12:34:02	4

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