lol x2

"Hi dad! Mum's been cooking again."

16/02/22 20:32:37

clever

"Say Arnie! Those nurses are real jokers, they wrote 'Rocky' on my bed chart."

"I know, but they can't spell, they wrote 'Terminate' on mine."

18/12/21 12:03:30

"So I took two fish and five loaves and fed five thousand people."

"Well I take really cheap end chicken, cover it in this dust crap I call my secret recipe, and sell it to millions of people a day."

"Now that is a miracle."

02/12/21 8:02:31

"What's he do for a living?"

"He's a bouncer."

19/02/22 20:43:31

Looks fizzically impossible..

24/12/21 8:12:30

Unfortunately, later that day, Dave was eaten by a cow.

29/04/22 8:13:49

Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow
and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go

Which she later regretted. Especially when she qualified for the winter Olympics.

27/02/22 12:17:10

"Who's on the till tonight?"

"Stew."

06/12/21 20:01:37

"Sorry, you're a bit too macho for me. I was after a camper van."

02/03/22 8:57:19

"Oh for fuck's sake Dave! Just take it off, it's only a cold sore."

10/03/22 8:02:19

It was a lovely funeral...strange but lovely.

23/12/21 10:38:54

Back then the education system was quite basic...

"And this here, children, is what we call a window."

13/12/21 12:01:27

"Well! That's the last time I wear that jumper at the Muslim swingers club."

08/12/21 8:05:09

"And that's for making such a mess of the bedsheets last night."

"Sorry! But you know I only come once a year."

06/12/21 8:05:36

"Did you get any formal training on how to clean the streets, Darth?"

"No! They said just pick it up as you go along "

17/03/22 8:06:20

"Sorry to be cruel, but it looks nothing like it!"
Said Amy, as they unveiled the statue based on her prize winning drawing.

07/03/22 12:02:12

"Here you go mate! You can park your bike here."

06/01/22 12:09:29

creative

"Quick, Shakespeare is announcing who's won the best mobile rave venue."

"Now is the winner of our disco tents."

29/12/21 20:06:34

Born with no head...I learnt to talk out of my arse...Here is my story.

19/12/21 20:32:38

More embarrassment for the Tories, as leaked photos show last years Christmas party had a Black Lives Matter theme.

15/12/21 12:07:41

"Congratulations Mr Smithers. You are this year's World Hide And Seek champion."

31/03/22 20:59:41

"come on guys! We gotta relearn all this doctor shit. Patients are demanding the return of face to face consultations."

19/03/22 8:09:02

"This happens everytime you put the 'Bambi' DVD on."

07/03/22 20:12:57

lol

"Hello is that 'Wank Mags R us'. Yea I ordered a bumper deal and was assured, they'd be delivered discreetly, in a package designed not to draw attention."

21/02/22 12:07:58

Worst prostitute I ever hired. I got stung for fifty dollars

11/01/22 8:04:09

I think Dave's got a drinking problem..

20/12/21 20:30:44

"How come you split up with the wife, Dave?"

"Oh, she gave me too much lip."

Mon 8:06:58

Till Darth do us part..

08/03/22 20:22:13

"This is the second one I've caught this week. They can't resist the smell of hot melted fudge I put in the pot."

17/02/22 8:06:11

clever

"Ahh! Remember we used to buy those hats from the origami shop on the pier."

"Oh yea. I wonder what ever happened to that?"

"It folded."

13/02/22 8:14:36

"Billy I have something to tell you... Your father was a praying mantis."

08/01/22 20:07:40

In the bleak mid winter
People made to moan
Earth was in pandemic
Rules were writ in stone
While the hordes had fallen
Tory parties flowed
In the bleak mid winter
Not so long ago..

09/12/21 8:00:35

Dodgy meat in Tesco again. That man's just put a saddle on that lasagne. .

08/12/21 20:10:43

My Lidl Pony..

08/12/21 20:01:10

Souperman

06/12/21 20:32:44

lol clever

NOT A CAPTION

Karyn ...olive branch...love stoneface

07/03/22 20:05:17

This made the bus driver do a ewe turn..

03/03/22 8:09:15

BANG BANG

"Charlie! Are in there pretending you're conducting the Royal Philharmonic again? I've warned you about that behaviour."

"No mum. I'm just masturbating. Honest."

14/02/22 8:47:11

Here's my wooden pram, with its wooden wheels. There was only one problem with it.
It wooden go.

29/12/21 12:16:23

"Mum!! Grandad's been snorting the Viagra again."

21/12/21 12:00:56

Not the best ventriloquist act I've ever seen.

17/12/21 8:10:20

"I bet five pound it floats!"

"Well I bet five pounds it sinks like a stone."

Thousands gathered to see Dobbin's trial, after it was accused of being a witch..

16/12/21 8:05:50

"John. Let me introduce you to Jim. He's had a big hand in my success."

13/12/21 8:38:03

"Till death do us part...Or the 5.15 to Newcastle."

30/04/22 12:21:03

"Are they Victorian cross dressers?"

"I think so. They certainly don't look happy."

08/04/22 8:02:49

"Be careful round here, it's a very rough neighbourhood. Only last week some one stole the river."

25/03/22 8:02:52

Wow! Your house really is open plan..

19/03/22 12:57:33

"I didn't like the size and shape of our new pool. But after a few gentle strokes it grew on me."

22/02/22 9:34:10

"I'd say I was upper middle class. I've got a degree in mathematics and own a detached house."

"I'd say I was middle class. I've got a management job and own a semi-detached house."

"I've got me own shovel."

19/02/22 13:01:52

Baloo Movie

02/02/22 8:43:17

Apparently, he was just enjoying an ice cream in the park, when a small child bit him."

25/01/22 8:06:56

"Does anyone have any objections? Speak now or forever hold your tongue."

"Err...Just one minor objection from me...Could you get rid of that friggin' bouquet, please."

14/01/22 20:22:46

"Ok nearly ready for the zoom meeting. Oh watch you don't sit on my dildo, I left it on the bed and it goes full throttle when touched."

07/01/22 20:06:23

"How sick is she, To be lying in that airport waiting thingy?"

"Terminal."

"Jeezus, the poor girl."

23/12/21 8:51:39

In the town of Salem, police have finally figured out, why so many girls had turned to Satan worship..

08/12/21 8:01:56

Pa boiled..

06/12/21 21:10:19

"I must go and sort my sack out now."

"Sorry Santa! I didn't mean to hit it so hard."

06/12/21 8:03:40

"Oh shit Dave!! I've just realised, I left my stash of skunk in your mum's salad drawer."

09/05/22 12:05:52

Thanks to their poorly mistreated and under paid staff, who help them dress. This Victorian blind couple pose for their annual Christmas photograph.

08/04/22 8:07:20

"Wow! That was nearly as painful as watching 'Wild Wild West'."

30/03/22 20:21:42

These were made from a cast of my girlfriend's body. Luckily she has a back shaped like a sink and a neck as long as a tap. I don't know who they got to do the bottom half.

18/03/22 8:07:31

Remember kids! Never eat sprouts and gunpowder.

10/03/22 20:07:08

"And the picnic's in their convenient rear storage units."

06/03/22 8:08:04

No thanks am not into trannies

02/03/22 8:03:41

"Listen Buddy! Those tits are still mine." Said the father

01/03/22 12:02:31

"It says 'Sorry luv..Running late ..just in pub with mates be there as soon as I can..PS If I don't get there just tell them I do..By the way..What's for tea x'. "

29/01/22 12:06:27

"As part of my training to go to Mars, they said I had to get a job in Wetherspoons for six months."

"Why?"

"So I could get used to working in a place with no atmosphere."

29/12/21 9:42:36

"What's that spiky hairy thing, dad?"

"That's just his little pet hedgehog, son."

"Really! The size of the cock on it."

24/12/21 20:33:39

" And that is how I fitted in to my Ryanair economy seat."

19/12/21 20:29:11

"Yeah so my boyfriend asked me to pick a tattoo for him to get. So as a suprise, I got a picture drawn of myself and hid it in his wallet amongst his receipts. I texted him and told him to look in his wallet, and he'll find the biggest love of his life, the one thing he looks forward to everyday, and that should be the tattoo to get....Can't wait to see it."

18/12/21 20:29:56

Peter Pan..

06/12/21 20:02:04

"Jeezus! How did that thing end up growing on you?"

"It started with a mole on my arse." Said the octopus.

05/12/21 20:16:48

Telly phone..

05/12/21 8:00:19

"Hurry up! Am getting married in half an hour."

02/05/22 8:21:11

Scientist Dave, has always had ethical questions about his experiments, with the white lab mice.

01/05/22 8:57:58

"Virgin?"

"No,Avanti North West."

30/04/22 12:25:18

A crazy egotistical despot, who'd gladly see the world destroyed, as long as it made him look good.
The other one is Putin.

27/03/22 20:08:39

When she went in for breast enhancement, she said she wanted a lager pair.

15/03/22 20:11:23

"Julie! It looks like you forgot to use the foot pump on your hat, again."

14/03/22 12:12:29

She doesn't like smooth shaved men. she's always liked the aries.

10/03/22 8:05:54

First day of the cricket season in England

05/03/22 20:36:24

Police close down a Victorian strip joint.

05/03/22 12:20:10

Elon Musk's not so successful first foray into electric cars.

04/03/22 12:34:02

clever

An hour later old Mr Jones got his first ever hole in one. As his fellow players clapped, he picked his ball out the hole and gave it a huge kiss...They say the smell of fox shit can stop you in your tracks. it certainly did that day. The end.

That was a true story and I should know, I was there when I made it up..

01/03/22 8:27:45

The accomodation was pretty bog standard, to be honest..

23/02/22 8:06:10

"Should I wear a cap?

"Up to you, but I've never heard of anyone getting pregnant from a dick shaped pool."

22/02/22 8:30:29

Both signed for Arsenal

20/02/22 13:02:30

Must be losing...He looks deflated.

19/02/22 21:14:39

Handel's Water Music

14/02/22 8:08:14

That night in bed, Beryl thought Dave was getting frisky. As he slowly lifted up the back of her hair, and shone a torch.
"What the hell d'ya think you're doin?"
"Sorry love! I just want to complete this crossword on your neck."

13/02/22 8:03:22

They look like a right au pair..

03/02/22 20:21:49

"Just let me send this to my Ex."

"What is it?"

"A veiled threat."

29/01/22 12:03:16

"Get him straight to the waspital."

25/01/22 8:02:58

How sport can unify the whole world. Even these youngsters of the remote village of Baku Saku, in darkest Congamania, Take great joy in laughing at Manchester United.

14/01/22 8:11:54

"Hello, Social Services, it's Mr Jones, Pickery Road."

" Ah Mr Jones. If your phoning about you're neighbour, Mr OnAdventureWithDad, I can assure you we have investigated your claims. And we have concluded that his every day antics you report, are not endangering his child. They're just attempts at humour to lighten this morbid world, and should be a joy to behold each and everyday. And am afraid we will not be taking the child into care. So how can I help?"

"I wanna be taken into care."

06/01/22 8:37:57

"Well that's made my mind up. Am deffo not getting a cock ring when I grow up."

24/12/21 20:08:12

"Where's Nan?"

"She's catching flies in the car."

"Oh, asleep with her mouth open again?"

"No. She's been dead a week."

23/12/21 22:15:11

Maureen bought a ticket to win a date with one of these lucky fellas...

It was a sweep stake.

15/12/21 12:37:36

"I've worked with some loud mouthed muppets in my time, but you take the biscuit." Said Kermit.

13/12/21 8:09:59

It's fancy dress day in school, and we're going as ye olde English thatched hamlet...Again.

12/12/21 21:24:46