clever x2

"Oi Noah, wait for us."

08/10/18 8:08:02

lol x2 creative

"Do you remember, a little boy wrote to you 18 years ago asking for a bike and a truck? That was me motherf*cker".

22/09/15 20:06:38

lol

"Hello is that customer complaints? I need to return some goods...well, I ordered a leotard".

06/08/15 8:01:16

clever

It's a sign of desperation

06/06/18 8:09:42

Can't come out tonight I'm washing my hare.

26/07/15 8:00:23

lol x3

I wouldn't put my arson that.

16/07/19 12:04:15

creative clever x2

Stig of the dump.

08/12/18 8:59:38

Dave had been isolating from his parents for 3 months. Now he is off home with all his washing...

01/06/20 12:14:32

lol

Gillette, the best a ma'am can get.

04/05/19 22:07:05

clever

Today's stars: Capricorn will be faced with an uphill struggle.

17/01/17 8:08:09

That's the thing about the festive season, it does dragon a bit.

14/01/17 20:03:37

lol

He taught me grammar. There should be a question mark at the end of this sentence. After all, the devil is in the detail.

19/02/16 8:00:07

creative clever

Meanwhile, Ironman is inside getting rid of creases in the curtains.

25/09/15 8:39:03

lol creative

Don't worry Don, we'll Photoshop the PlayStation controller out.

02/11/19 14:04:28

Arse about face

30/01/19 12:02:09

lol

For God's sake Dad, just light the barbecue.

28/01/19 8:13:49

lol

Warning: May contain nuts.

06/08/18 14:04:19

creative clever x2

As protest tshirts go, one asking for the abolition of the French word for 'No' is pretty random.

30/08/17 12:01:09

Love storey.

26/01/16 8:00:54

lol clever x3

Neighbourhood watch crew catches lead thieves red handed.

04/08/15 12:00:05

lol

Leaked photos of Jerry Hall and Rupert Murdoch on honeymoon.

30/10/19 20:00:36

lol clever

FENTON! FENTOOOOOOON!

14/04/19 8:17:42

lol

Kicked you out for snoring too has she?

26/11/18 12:35:21

Fifty shades of grave.

07/11/18 20:42:22

Kenny Everest

04/11/18 8:06:41

creative

Casper the overfriendly ghost.

15/08/18 9:26:51

creative clever x2

The crafty tortoise had outfoxed the hare again.

14/06/18 12:15:54

£50
WINNER

lol x2

03/02/17 8:01:14

lol

"Mrs Thompson, it's Joanne next door. We need to talk about Henry. I just don't feel able to sunbathe in my own garden any more..."

26/06/15 12:06:01

That 'No More Tears' shampoo is rubbish.

27/03/20 12:04:42

Police have identified a suspect who may have carried out the ram raid on a grab machine at the seaside arcade this weekend.

23/07/18 8:59:32

lol x2

"I f*cking well WILL have a tiger", thought little Timmy.

25/05/16 9:06:32

lol

Dog Cotton

29/02/16 12:01:02

lol

We went foraging, ate our haul, then the next thing we knew, we were naked in ASDA singing 'Happy Birthday' to a packet of macaroni.

20/02/16 8:39:08

clever

Night school

17/01/16 21:14:44

lol

After you hit 60, it's difficult to guide it in.

10/06/20 12:00:33

A great place to take the family out.

07/05/20 20:00:11

clever

No ewe turns

24/07/19 8:22:32

An officer on a gentleman

21/05/19 9:25:57

Cheap, good head and goes down easy.

03/12/18 9:36:29

Placque removal

17/09/18 20:00:18

lol x2

There, that will teach you. Now don't put it in the pencil sharpener again.

03/07/18 21:23:25

Guitar for sail.

11/02/18 21:58:17

Mmmmm, nothing better than nice, crisp sheets.

01/03/16 8:06:17

Now THAT'S a Panic Room.

10/02/16 9:44:52

Short circuit

02/10/15 8:00:04

Graffiti - wrong on so many levels.

16/09/15 12:04:14

lol

Shane was having difficulty coming out to his team mates, despite the numerous heavy hints he dropped.

10/09/15 8:02:43

lol creative

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for mice, I can tell you I don't have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will shit in your slippers.

04/08/15 8:00:07

creative

Telegiraffe pole.

23/06/15 8:02:24

Good morning welcome to McDonald's, have you been waiting long?

16/07/20 8:33:19

Scooby Doo and the mysterious disappearing Scooby Snacks.

28/01/20 12:03:48

The dress caused quite a stir.

08/01/20 8:07:16

Proving once again that The Sun is truly gutter press.

31/12/19 8:48:58

lol

Bloody Welsh place names.

04/10/19 12:02:31

Trump appeals for floating voters

03/10/19 20:03:09

Man, overjoyed.
Fish, gutted.

11/02/19 8:14:17

...and next on our special music tour, the studios where 'The Clash' recorded 'Should I stay or should I go?'

14/01/19 8:02:59

Bad hare day

06/12/18 12:26:21

"...then you just look through the view finder...am I boring you Mary?"

15/11/18 8:12:45

"Just how many milkshakes do I gotta drink before I bring boys to the yard?"

19/09/18 20:50:55

"Kids, follow me... Kids?"

23/08/18 20:06:34

"Who's got the ring?"

26/07/18 8:03:27

creative

Tonight on Dyslexic News, The Beast from the Seat.

03/03/18 8:01:05

He couldn't decide whether or not to dump his overbearing girlfriend. He just needed a sign...

27/11/17 14:00:28

"Nah dude, not tall, I said I would get you high".

15/08/17 8:01:25

Willy Elliott

27/07/17 12:03:47

lol

Timmy Mallett 'fondly remembering' Michaela Strachan. He has a whack a day...

29/12/16 20:05:06

lol x2

Ahhh, look at the puppy longing for the ball. He will go on longing, for Murray suffers from DOG PARALYSIS. Just £2 a month will enable us to give Murray a swift kick up the rear so he can get up. Pick up the phone and give this dog a bone.

06/10/16 8:06:13

creative

"Thank you for coming in today Mr Wilson. We need to talk about your son's attitude in class."

01/09/16 20:47:54

Michael Caine-ine

28/07/16 12:00:20

The Chair Witch Project.

15/06/16 14:37:18

creative

It's an awfully big wrench, but I am going to have to leave you gentlemen.

15/02/16 9:08:57

Creche landing

28/09/15 20:32:29

"...and that's why my pants were round my ankles officer.'

08/06/20 8:03:26

Life for Dave was hard. The only known squirrel in Britain with a nut allergy.

31/05/20 12:04:50

lol

Tonight on 'Who Do You Think You Are?', Chris Evans discovers that his ancient relative was just as annoying.

05/04/20 8:34:17

I know a Charmin little restaurant...

04/04/20 8:00:40

Blue cross sale on 'til Easter, when prices will rise again.

22/02/20 8:52:28

Heavy petting zoo

09/09/19 20:05:54

Guns don't kill people, raffles do.

28/06/19 9:31:11

lol creative

I call this series: Pubes I found in the bath.

15/06/19 20:43:19

clever

Donkey Oak-tree

18/02/19 12:07:44

Julius Sneezer

12/02/19 8:17:51

Ironically, she was caught shoplifting in Boots.

05/10/18 8:01:30

clever

"Ooh you smell like porridge!"
"That's why they call me Donkey Oaty."

17/08/18 8:18:08

Aisle 16: cigarettes.

06/08/18 20:16:00

lol

"Hello is that 'Angel Escorts'? I want to speak to someone about my 4pm booking. I specifically ordered whores in police uniform with zip access box".

18/07/18 10:43:18

Lisa suddenly realised that she had left her bobble hat boiling on the stove.

16/03/18 8:01:25

There's some fin in my eye.

28/02/18 12:30:12

lol

Ello ello ello, what's bin going on 'ere then?

13/02/18 9:11:10

Whirl Paul

18/10/17 20:01:02

"F*cking, bloody twat cannons."
Turrets syndrome.

27/09/17 12:04:03

You tape the high road and I'll tape the low road.

17/02/17 8:12:27

All I could hear was a very muffled "we're walking in the air".

20/12/16 12:00:08

I was given a sign, I saw the light and I was visited by the holy goat.

30/11/16 8:03:13

clever

Delhi-graph pole

01/10/16 8:59:42

Kinder Surprises are really hardcore in Afghanistan.

26/09/16 9:05:14

clever

Flour power

22/08/16 8:02:13

Shadow boxer

09/02/16 12:00:06

CORRECT CHANGE ONLY.
"Oh, f*cks sake".

05/02/16 12:11:03

Mona Lomu.

20/09/15 12:36:28

...and a diet coke please.

28/08/15 12:38:20

Blockbusters looks f**king complicated these days.

14/01/20 12:09:25

This way, everyone gets a leg.

28/12/19 12:03:00

clever

and therefore, we sadly have no conductor.

27/09/19 12:00:05

"That's it love, we have to completely burn Grandma's cold cold heart to make sure she doesn't rise from the dead."

03/08/19 20:01:37

clever

Worzel Mummidge

18/05/19 20:07:00

"Oh Mum, you're going to love him. He's a musician and he has his own car."

28/03/19 10:33:41

Spin-ster

24/03/19 9:27:52

Ready to face The Undertaker

20/01/19 11:46:16

Sponsored by Coke.

12/01/19 9:10:27

Granarchy in the UK

06/11/18 9:03:44

lol

And if you look inside, two tiny swimming tigers.

08/10/18 12:12:15

Police apprehend cat burglar

05/10/18 8:00:24

"Here's the brochure Mum, it's called Sunnybanks Retirement Village..."

21/09/18 20:07:13

The moment you realise you are using the toilet brush in the shower.

07/08/18 8:26:15

...because even trolls like a picnic.

10/07/18 8:01:19

creative

Glenda's anti-grav boots enabled her to walk up the lift shaft no problem. 'Broken elevator my arse' thought Glenda, whistling a cheery tune.

28/05/18 20:44:07

clever

The Apes of Wrath

22/01/18 11:10:19

"We're looking for some sort of round, stone plinth with a small fence round it".

28/11/17 8:03:19

Brilliant. Just what I need. An itchy arse.

16/11/17 12:06:31

creative

Say "LYCHEES"

23/09/17 9:25:03

Franco takes it all in his stride as an enormous slice of ham lands on his head.

22/09/17 8:04:31

Jane loved nothing better than an undercover detective novel.

17/08/17 12:37:05

lol

"Oh look love, I've just found that picture from your Great Grandad's stag do".

06/02/17 9:23:59

I'm going to be late love, the traffic has slowed to a crawl.

04/02/17 12:00:04

"No, I don't mind doing it, just one question. What happened to the first 11?"

15/08/16 9:02:16

clever

Formula 1.

12/06/16 8:37:08

There, that should see us through the week.

15/04/16 20:31:37

lol

...and what we do is feed them pies, custard and biscuits until he is stretched enough to make a rug.

05/04/16 8:02:33

I don't eat here often it's a bit of a dive, but they've got a two-for-one offer on.

09/03/16 9:43:01

"Smoking stunts your what?"

17/02/16 20:17:26

Suspicions at the 'World Speed Tweeting Championships' grew when the winner managed a startling 98268692847634 tweets per minute.

02/02/16 8:11:10

Slow down, the old fella behind us wants to hang his coat up.

30/09/15 20:00:12

Ironically, he's driving a Focus.

03/09/15 7:46:44

Donald Trump's horses come back from the hairdressers.

31/07/15 12:01:05

Terry had been talking for 48 minutes. The other two members of the rambling club are thinking he may have misunderstood the advert...

23/07/15 8:02:08

Mate, take those shades off, they make you look well stupid.

16/07/15 8:01:22

HMS Pinafore

26/06/15 8:00:04

lol clever

Trev had prepared all he could. He awaited the NatWest Small Business Advisor with high hopes.

25/06/15 12:03:31

Bruce Four-sight

23/06/15 20:00:07

Ethel was delighted to have won a year's supply of ice cream in a competition - until she received it.

She didn't read the small print...

16/06/20 12:53:46

Nissan deny employing underqualified staff.

11/03/20 12:03:22

This must be the ring road.

09/03/20 8:07:44

Bloody hell Steve, just buy a lawnmower.

05/02/20 12:00:35

lol

Bloody hell Tom, what sort of dating site are you on?

08/01/20 22:20:26

Worst weekend's fishing ever.

05/01/20 12:28:13

"Right boys, quick, I've only got 5 minutes. Who needs phones, who needs drugs?"

04/11/19 8:12:25

and PC Pipes was our lead singer

27/09/19 12:00:53

"I suggest you get out of the children's ride sir and go back to tending your bees".

19/09/19 20:07:07

He's light beers away from home.

21/08/19 12:09:02

And this year's winner of the Tour de Sahara is...

26/07/19 9:20:00

For a while after Naomi was sacked from the care home, the residents lived on soup and custard.

19/06/19 8:13:22

It's a lot less bovver with a hover.

24/04/19 8:09:21

When Martin started his world record dive from the plane, the tide was in.

06/04/19 8:05:27

Stephen Hawking's will didn't make for easy reading

14/03/19 20:03:30

"He's got the whole world in his pan".

17/02/19 20:01:29

Mount Rush-snore

16/02/19 20:02:42

"There's an empty case next to it."
"That's Bobby Charlton's hair."

03/02/19 11:36:48

Hurry up John, she'll be coming round in a minute, when she comes.

15/12/18 8:56:51

"Two eggs on toast for table 8, full English and a coffee on table 3 and get a room for table 5."

12/12/18 9:18:03

Mick Dragger

09/10/18 8:05:48

Apple bobbing

29/09/18 20:06:07

You won't forget your P.E. shorts again will you Steve?

23/09/18 20:22:10

"How's the bike?"
"Yeah, running really well."

20/09/18 12:16:44

These two were never going to win the 3-legged race.

11/09/18 8:03:24

lol

Our storage facilities are unmatched. Find out how much you can cram in your Anus today.

11/06/18 12:14:15

lol

Call it men's intuition, but I think this lady should be given the remote control, chocolate and an hour alone.

05/04/18 8:03:02

Don't worry about him. His bark's worse than his bike.

03/02/18 9:26:19

"Have you got the chain that goes with it?"

20/08/17 21:09:29

lol

Dad was trying on his leopard print budgie smugglers before they went on hols.

08/02/17 12:04:13

Check your speedo-meter

04/02/17 12:01:07

Please Trevor. Just buy me a hairdryer.

26/12/16 20:00:27

lol

I had to dump it after he sat on it naked in that pinny.

04/09/16 8:14:55

Surplus toe requirements

15/08/16 12:00:07

Not as catchy as 'Free Nelson Mandela' but we'll give it a go.

06/08/16 12:57:02

lol

The bell is for me not you. Trust me, I am prepared to wait all night if we need to...

17/01/16 21:12:54

Trailer trashed.

01/10/15 20:00:41

You think this is clever? Who do you think set the timer on the camera?

04/08/15 20:06:49

Murray Walker.

02/08/15 16:32:14

Mexican food? Yeah, my mate swears by it.

06/07/15 20:33:28

Museum of spine art.

29/04/15 13:09:40

The natural reaction when you see a great white.

04/08/20 8:51:28

It was here this morning! I mean how do you even lose a watermelon?

23/06/20 8:36:02

I love all animals, but if there's one phobia I can't get past, it's sphere of dogs.

08/06/20 12:01:18

The last thing that Susan at the Job Centre said was "dress up, make a huge impression when you walk through the door."

02/06/20 8:11:30

lol

When your colleagues call an impromptu emergency Zoom meeting at the wrong time.

13/05/20 12:36:06

She hasn't got a problem, but she does have 4 baths a day.

17/02/20 20:01:24

It's Raleigh cold out

05/01/20 8:38:14

It's exactly 3.142 inches across.

02/01/20 8:33:56

Sorry miss, I thought it was a pencil case.

24/10/19 9:06:04

She just wants some action, man.

17/09/19 8:03:18

I went to the fair and won a goldfish. That sucks.

30/08/19 12:00:16

...and 20 Brothmans

28/08/19 12:05:53

Well of course you're still not getting any sleep, they go in your ears Nan.

16/07/19 8:34:42

Amazing. I've never seen a saveloy in the wild before.

08/07/19 12:02:45

That's inflation for you. It used to be a four-head.

07/07/19 20:27:16

He's off to Lapland. That new pole dancing club.

13/06/19 20:12:49

It's ok sir, as large scale metal theft goes, this is your first, a fence.

11/05/19 8:20:59