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Stu Dent Vote score: 5757Stu Dent

So basically its a mobile bike stand and I am asking £200,000 for 30% of the company.

19/12/21 20:17:33

Cracking idea. I'm in. --Al Overy
The Wolf Vote score: 21910The Wolf

*Cough*

19/12/21 12:06:55

Stu Dent Vote score: 5757Stu Dent

You will definitely have to go to A & E with a gash that big on your head madam.

18/12/21 9:24:07

Dan Nicholls Vote score: 19939Dan Nicholls

Stuffed frog with Basil

13/12/21 8:51:05

"A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed." - Basil Fawlty --James Lennox
Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

Barry had a rather puffy eye this morning.

11/12/21 20:00:09

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

What a silly Miss Steak.

10/12/21 8:00:09

Vivvy En Vote score: 16840Vivvy En

Raj let out the biggest fart imaginable. It caused quite a stir.

06/12/21 20:36:29

Chris Keegan Vote score: 15725Chris Keegan

Rex just loves a serious dog fight.

03/12/21 20:00:08

I bet he'll shoot down the Red Setter Baron --Glyn Evans
The Wolf Vote score: 21910The Wolf

"Will you stop beatboxing and call an Ambulance please?"

29/11/21 12:28:31

"Please" is such a silly name for an Ambulance. --Willie Johnson
Ian Skelding Vote score: 35247Ian Skelding

"There's toilets at the park gate Dad."

27/11/21 8:22:03

Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 24957Vanessa the Guesser

He was spotted in Jordan only last week.

24/11/21 20:22:10

Whoa. I've never heard of one man humping an entire country before. He must be a dedicated Nationalist showing a love for his country in the only way that he knows how. Does he dig a burrow and then stick his cock in it and then shuffle it about?... --Glyn Evans
Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

"Ours was ruined within a week."

"How come?"

"I have a massive mole on my arse."

23/11/21 12:34:54

Stephen Bean Vote score: 52532Stephen Bean

Flushing Meadows

23/11/21 12:02:59

John Llamas Vote score: 20904John Llamas

“ Hi boys only me, don’t worry if you can’t get to the phone ….. just to say I am going to be a bit late. I have just remembered I need to pop to B&Q and get that Carbon Monoxide monitor you keep going on about Dave .. see you in a bit … bye for now”

21/11/21 20:53:58

Stephen Bean Vote score: 52532Stephen Bean

Scooby Douche

18/11/21 8:00:09

Vivvy En Vote score: 16840Vivvy En

Euston, we have a problem

14/11/21 8:47:42

Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

Q) What's the difference between a postman and a captioneer?

A) A postman only posts it once.

11/11/21 12:05:38

C CaMel Vote score: 19640C CaMel

“So how’s the HRT going Sandra?”

11/11/21 8:44:36

James Lennox Vote score: 25953James Lennox

Despite her abnormal childhood, Susan grew up to be a perfectly normal serial killer.

04/11/21 12:07:00

There's a few serial killers you have to watch, they're a bit strange. Not from around these parts. --Glyn Evans
Karen Oakenfull Vote score: 3954Karen Oakenfull

“We can’t both have irons on Park Lane.”

25/10/21 7:19:14

Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

''It's a vegetarian tonight. Is that alright, Leo?''

''No problem. Throw her over here.''

24/10/21 7:04:54

They won't eat her because she'll smell of salad. Meat eaters smell more familiar to a big cat's palate.  --Glyn Evans
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 18032Scrijjy Doo

Are you sure you have 5 years experience?

20/10/21 7:38:21

Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 24957Vanessa the Guesser

Ohm Alone

20/10/21 7:00:06

Glyn Evans Vote score: 13422Glyn Evans

"Gotta love a bit of improvised curling"

19/10/21 7:02:42

James Lennox Vote score: 25953James Lennox

"Put down the knife, Davy, and let's discuss this silly hat idea."

18/10/21 11:20:10

Chris Keegan Vote score: 15725Chris Keegan

The Cattle of Hastings.

10/10/21 8:46:35

James Lennox Vote score: 25953James Lennox

Mittens was later convicted by concrete evidence.

07/10/21 19:08:30

Ian Skelding Vote score: 35247Ian Skelding

"6 hours until time, start drinking up now please."

04/10/21 12:07:01

Dot Old Vote score: 3178Dot Old

The tile-high club

03/10/21 19:18:30

Tosser Wivlov Vote score: 6766Tosser Wivlov

Now we've lost the lead.

01/10/21 19:17:25

Mr Dome  Vote score: 20134Mr Dome

I bet it's not the first purple head she's pulled off

01/10/21 7:18:57

Lucky Elperro Vote score: 6321Lucky Elperro

Young Afghan arriving on a beach at Dover wonders if the dinghy is still there.

29/09/21 11:56:22

Yes, she's still there, trying to dance with him. --Willie Johnson
Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

"Yes, it's all true. Trump did grab me!"

24/09/21 19:00:37

Or maybe he grabbed someone else who was right by you. --Willie Johnson
Glyn Evans Vote score: 13422Glyn Evans

Fuck off, it's only September

22/09/21 19:02:31

How I feel walking round my local Sainsbury's. They had Christmas stuff in for several weeks. Takes all the joy out of it. --Lucky Elperro
Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

''Darling, I don't think it's a good idea for Johnny to be glued to the television all day.''

21/09/21 7:02:00

Crunchy Chords Vote score: 8843Crunchy Chords
Coming soon:   Diarrhoea of a Wimpy kid

19/09/21 19:00:38

Michael Winner Vote score: 25610Michael Winner

"Check the car- I suspect there may be more of them in there."

13/09/21 7:16:12

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

When the clown boss was arrested, it left some very big shoes to fill.

13/09/21 7:00:51

Mark Wilson Vote score: 5197Mark Wilson

Tony was later banned from these urinals

12/09/21 11:02:33

He knew something was up when they said "urinal lot of trouble". --Willie Johnson
Mark Wilson Vote score: 5197Mark Wilson

"Shit, I've dislocated my shoulder"

10/09/21 12:04:40

Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

"Nope, doesn't work. I can still hear him scream. That Ridley Scott's full of sh*t!"

09/09/21 19:03:10

Tony S Vote score: 12808Tony S

Ringo. "Hey Paul this woman is a clairvoyant and says after the band I'm going to make more money doing voice overs as a tank engine."
Paul. "Oh yeah and I bet I'm going to marry a 1 legged woman who runs off with my money."
John. "Who cares as long as live a long happy life and give it a good shot."

05/09/21 7:17:57

Nina Dutton Vote score: 903Nina Dutton

“Dave I really think you need to trim your nose hair.”

28/08/21 7:09:06

Willie Johnson Vote score: 4306Willie Johnson

"Why do we always have to get the cheap cereal?"

19/08/21 8:34:48

There's no plastic toy in it either --Vivvy En
alexandra ball Vote score: 3324alexandra ball

For the love of God, abdicate!

14/08/21 19:01:25

Michael Winner Vote score: 25610Michael Winner

"Dad, does this mean that I'm not a twin anymore?"

14/08/21 11:34:46

"You don't remember being a triplet? Kids are so hard to keep these days." --Willie Johnson
Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

It's the quickest way to dry him after putting him through the washing machine.

11/08/21 7:31:15

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

Ted was about to get Bronze in the synchronised sunbathing.

10/08/21 7:03:51

Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

After a long, tiring flight Jane was looking forward to a good night's sleep in her Tokyo accommodation.

06/08/21 19:01:52

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

"Janet! That seagull's taking the baby!!"

"Yeah. I had to swap him to get my iPhone back."

06/08/21 7:00:12

Stephen Bean Vote score: 52532Stephen Bean

The Quilling Fields

02/08/21 11:05:13

Michael Winner Vote score: 25610Michael Winner

"From the makers of 'I Just Pissed On Your Fence', 'I Just Puked In The Playground' and 'Look Mate, I'm Really Sorry About Your Window Box, But When You've Gotta Go...'"

02/08/21 7:22:18

Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

''I just can't understand why you won't get vaccinated, Jane.''

29/07/21 11:07:52

Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

"One's gran was wondering if you'd do us a deep fried swan?"

28/07/21 11:07:43

Vivvy En Vote score: 16840Vivvy En

"Sesame Street? Hmm, take the third left then it's first on your right."

24/07/21 7:04:45

Dan Nicholls Vote score: 19939Dan Nicholls

Kevin, please for the love of God change your trousers.

21/07/21 11:04:01

Karen Oakenfull Vote score: 3954Karen Oakenfull

"I see Edward's on the helium again."

14/07/21 11:03:09

Vivvy En Vote score: 16840Vivvy En

A prime example of why single-use plastic drinking straws were banned.

09/07/21 7:16:11

Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

''Please disembark at the rear of the train unless you are near death's door.''

08/07/21 11:01:22

The Wolf Vote score: 21910The Wolf

"Dave, I don't care if that's the sound you make when you catch your willy in your zip. It's still not a word."

07/07/21 19:00:16

Mark Wilson Vote score: 5197Mark Wilson

Shutter Island

07/07/21 11:14:31

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

I know his family actually - decent bunch.

04/07/21 19:00:12

Karyn Harrison Vote score: 13883Karyn Harrison

"Hey, you, get off of my couch!"

01/07/21 7:43:15

Tony S Vote score: 12808Tony S

Environmentalists examine car bun emissions.

29/06/21 11:01:09

Might have to get the muff-ler fixed. --Willie Johnson
Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

Not for the first time, the Church tries to delete a bit of history...

28/06/21 7:01:09

Dave Bryan Vote score: 40286Dave Bryan

''Darling, why are you scribbling on the dog?''

''The cat won't keep still.''

27/06/21 7:10:47

I like the use of Darling. I remember seeing a little shit on a market doing things he shouldn’t of been doing, and his mother was like a check out machine, saying Don’t do that Darling, over and over again with no change of tone or any menace... --Neil Mackenzie
Ian Skelding Vote score: 35247Ian Skelding

I'm a little Thaipot .....

24/06/21 7:02:44

stone face Vote score: 10117stone face

Blind paralympian swimmer finishes last, after losing grip of his guide dog mid race.

09/06/21 19:03:32

Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

Hewlett Peckhard

09/06/21 11:02:07

Vivvy En Vote score: 16840Vivvy En

"...and where did you grow up?"
"Oldham, Sir."
"Oh, don't mind if one does."

27/05/21 19:34:51

Molly R Vote score: 5244Molly R

"OK, just put it in first gear and take the handbrake off, and we'll give you a push."

25/05/21 11:00:07

* They are lion. It's second gear and press the clutch --Mr Dome
Ian Skelding Vote score: 35247Ian Skelding

"That was some gust, I was gliding over the Cotswolds half an hour ago."

24/05/21 7:55:37

"I'll get you for this Rodney!!!" --Karyn Harrison
Ian Skelding Vote score: 35247Ian Skelding

Spliffindor

22/05/21 11:25:38

Dan Nicholls Vote score: 19939Dan Nicholls

"No ma'am, you hang the medal round the neck".

22/05/21 7:04:04

Tony S Vote score: 12808Tony S

"Pretend you have a limp, Gemma Collins has just booked a riding lesson pass it on."

13/05/21 7:09:46

I'd pay to see her fall off a horse. --Ryan French
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 24957Vanessa the Guesser

There's a chocolate fountain round the corner.

12/05/21 19:03:48

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

The municipal jellyfish sting treatment facility was basic but effective.

12/05/21 19:00:18

Maybe he needs a sting, so it will become swollen. --Willie Johnson
Stephen Bean Vote score: 52532Stephen Bean

Cookroach

12/05/21 7:00:04

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

I thought only Miss Piggy snorted.

11/05/21 11:01:17

Tony S Vote score: 12808Tony S

Thank god we are out of lockdown and we can meet up and talk properly lol

10/05/21 7:02:08

Mark England Vote score: 24081Mark England

"Paddy, what are you still doing with those alligators that you found? I thought I told you to take them to the zoo"

"I did. I think they enjoyed it. Now I'm taking them to the opera"

09/05/21 22:07:36

Anon, I shudder to think what effect this sort of thing may have on new members - and there are new members arriving every week, who will read through and try to get a feel of the place. They may be fooled into thinking that your dictum is part o... --Molly R
The Wolf Vote score: 21910The Wolf

"This week on 'Excessive Flatulence', Gary levitates a horse after consuming half a kilo of brussel sprouts."

05/05/21 19:15:31

Jumping Jack Flash is a gas gas gas. --Karyn Harrison
Stu Dent Vote score: 5757Stu Dent

Toys in the hood

04/05/21 11:06:07

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

"Great trick, but how do we get our clothes back out of the hoover?"

01/05/21 11:00:31

Another Hoover? --Willie Johnson
Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

"How about going topless?"

"Well I would but I can't paint if I'm cold."

30/04/21 19:02:09

stone face Vote score: 10117stone face

"So officer, at first he started showing me these films, then he asked me to dress up as a horse, and started showing me unwanted attention. "

"So when did you realise you were being groomed?"

27/04/21 7:10:19

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

There was a young man from Chantilly
Who humped random plants, which was silly
'Mounting cacti is bad!'
He proclaimed to his dad
As the nurses pulled spikes from his willy

26/04/21 11:05:10

Ian Skelding Vote score: 35247Ian Skelding

Pole dancers

25/04/21 11:05:29

Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 16230Neil Mackenzie

The origin of the Yellow River.

21/04/21 8:42:35

Karyn Harrison Vote score: 13883Karyn Harrison

Shockolate cake

19/04/21 19:05:09

stone face Vote score: 10117stone face

That was the night she got pregnant.
9 months later she had a little nipper.

13/04/21 19:39:29

Karyn Harrison Vote score: 13883Karyn Harrison

Sugar babes

13/04/21 11:23:22

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

His latest release stinks!

13/04/21 7:00:45

Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

Darlene was a BIG Country fan.

12/04/21 19:00:15

Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

"What do you think of my tits?"

"They're grrrrrreat."

07/04/21 11:06:38

If you like flat, dry and flaky, but knock her up, you can add some milk. --SnapDragon D
Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

The men died from a double hart attack.

05/04/21 19:00:08

Troompa Loompa Vote score: 24530Troompa Loompa

Clive Dunny

04/04/21 7:51:26

The Dads Army commemorative range also contains the phrases ... they don't like it up em,fuzzy worries,we're doomed,stupid boy,mum won't like it uncle Arthur, do you think that's wise sir and many many more  --Tony S
The Wolf Vote score: 21910The Wolf

"Darling, it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze her. Henry the Hamster won't come out"

26/03/21 20:11:47

Steve Wright Vote score: 1855Steve Wright

"Hi, I'm Larry. My hobbies include smoking loads of weed and rescuing stray cats".

24/03/21 12:56:32

Fur fox sake, what kind of cat is that? --Willie Johnson
Al Overy Vote score: 22017Al Overy

"Ok, all booked. Barbershop, April 12th."

21/03/21 8:01:56

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