“Harold. Have you any idea where the Welsh oak dresser has gone from the dining room?”

04/01/21 12:13:29

Breaking news: Actual protein has been found in a McDonalds meal.

16/02/21 12:00:18

After months of lockdown with his wife and 4 kids, Mr.Roberts was more than thrilled to hear the hospital’s “No Visitors” policy.

17/01/21 20:00:21

The new mature Cindy doll comes with grey hair, face mask and mirror shades as standard. Bladder leak underwear and removable teeth can be bought in the accessory section.

22/10/20 19:00:47

The cruise was all going well until they told us we were having a stopover in South Africa.

15/02/21 13:03:26

Gosh, that new spearmint mouthwash is really strong.

20/11/20 8:00:21

Men working for a local corrugated steel firm, have been told that although they can wear their wives underwear to work, any diva-style outbursts on the factory floor will not be tolerated.

09/10/20 11:00:37

The cabinet reconvene after the Winter break.

03/12/20 12:04:39

Tourist arrested on suspicion of smuggling a rare species of glow worm in his backpack.

30/11/20 20:08:12

Lewis has been taking himself for his daily one hour exercise session during lockdown whilst his owners stay at home with a 24 pack and giant bags of Doritos.

09/11/20 8:24:13

Pick a feather, any feather, look at it, remember it, now put it back in.

15/10/20 11:10:20

Gav is still haunted by a recurring dream in which he lost his ”biggie blue boulder marble” to Kevin Bradshaw in July 1972.

24/09/20 9:11:28

lol

”Gav, there's a bloke on the doorstep says he’s from the care home up the road, says he was sat watching Cash in the Attic, got a cat hair stuck in his throat, coughed a couple of times and they dumped him outside ours.”

18/09/20 21:17:10

The man from Flora, he say yes.

15/09/20 7:02:32

Named my boat after the wife. She is a little bottom heavy too.

14/11/20 20:22:57

Even the pope has ruff days.

31/10/20 20:00:48

What do you mean I can’t hug anyone? I’m going back in, the world isn’t ready for me yet.

18/02/21 8:05:51

No matter how hard he tried he just didn’t get the point.

17/01/21 12:00:37

I just can’t stop eating liquorice.

09/01/21 8:19:02

Santa assembles gifts for creepy uncles on his list.

03/12/20 8:12:08

Dalek-tible.

09/11/20 20:00:16

”W”

03/11/20 16:15:18

Due to Gav’s recent visit to the cathouse he was now very much in the doghouse.

17/10/20 7:17:23

They were talking so much rubbish I just had to dive into the conversation.

02/10/20 7:28:27

Wallace and Gromit Appreciation Society

04/09/20 19:00:54

It’s good to know they now have Cajun spiced gazelle on Deliveroo.

16/01/21 12:55:58

I knew it. Mum hasn’t used Lenor in this weeks wash. She’s used the cheaper Aldi brand.

24/11/20 23:18:46

A little bird told me it’s important to do the breast test.

22/11/20 12:00:41

”Here we go again, another damn power surge.
Happens every year when it’s the Strictly Finals.”

18/11/20 22:18:58

lol

No Smoking, but it’s okay to drink Jack Daniels on the job at this local printing shop.

27/10/20 12:53:26

Nothing stops thongman getting to Maccy D’s before the breakfast menu cut off point, not even the two bullet wounds to his chest.

21/10/20 20:18:07

There's nothing like a good lie down in front of the TV.

06/10/20 19:47:24

Kev, Gav and Steve got very into papier-mâché craft during lockdown.

20/02/21 9:45:55

You are now entering the County of Caption.me.

05/02/21 20:00:19

Oh no! My gravy’s lumpy again. Now I am going to have to phone the Anxiety help line for the 5th time this week.

26/01/21 12:00:30

A perfect example of a klan-destine wedding.

24/01/21 20:00:39

So that’s where the snowman’s nose went. Stand nice and still and we can have a game of hoopla.

12/01/21 8:45:09

Unfortunately, due to sickness, the local pub only had a skeleton staff during the festivities.

10/12/20 13:14:02

I hit them damn power lines every time. Looks like I’ll be sporting another afro again this Christmas.

08/12/20 21:58:54

The moment you find out the mother-in-law has bogged off home after the Christmas holidays.

05/12/20 9:53:38

” Right. Which one if you wise guys left the seat up?

04/12/20 9:01:35

Sometimes it’s the small things that can make all the difference.

02/12/20 13:07:14

lol

Meanwhile in downtown Chicago, the Mob waited for their moment to execute a hit on Mrs.Robert’s peanut feeder.

01/12/20 8:06:07

The suction on the public Portaloo flush in the town park continues to cause issues for passing cyclists. Clapham Council have been informed.

29/11/20 9:24:31

Ryan’s university ”crash course in architecture” wasn’t quite what he had anticipated.

28/11/20 12:00:30

Kentucky Flied Chicken.

19/11/20 8:42:17

”Please do not feed the animals recreational drugs.”

17/11/20 8:31:23

”You’ve peed all over the floor again” Jim’s wife exclaimed!
”That’ll be because I was distracted by the amazing view”, he retorted indignantly.
”What’s your excuse at home then.?

15/11/20 8:07:36

This year's ”knobbly knees” contest was won by Nancy from Normanton, pictured second left. Doris from Doncaster, far right was disqualified for cheating.

08/11/20 12:00:46

Heavy fines were imposed on an Amish community when an illegal rave held by 500 members was dispersed recently. An elder responded with ”there’s just no fun anymore.” Despite offering the officers a glass or two of cheery cordial they wouldn’t be coerced.

20/10/20 7:21:08

I can never remember trigonometry being this interesting in school.

17/10/20 19:03:54

Gosh, the disturbing characters in this film freaked me out when I was small and here they are again, they’ve resurfaced in my happy place. Back to therapy for me.

30/09/20 9:35:48

”I suppose we should be grateful for the decent weather. All this social distancing suits me just fine because I can’t stand you and I never have.”

24/09/20 19:13:08

Government compromises saying only our lower halves need to follow social distancing rules.

12/09/20 7:07:22

Frocky Marciano.

06/09/20 20:26:55

♪ I always feel like some Buddah’s watching me ♪

06/09/20 20:07:32

Conerstone.

22/02/21 9:41:32

I prefer my milk chilled.

19/02/21 12:00:12

The Battle of Little with Big Horn.

31/01/21 10:40:00

Orville and Preen.

21/01/21 20:00:10

Pain stops play.

19/01/21 12:09:48

The canteen in our local hospital has taken on a sinister range of carbonated drinks.

10/01/21 11:27:00

It’s a sign of the times. Things have gone very off-kilter.

07/12/20 12:00:16

Christmousse.

06/12/20 20:09:06

Gulliver’s nitcomb makes a great fence to keep overly keen Twitchers a safe distance from rare bird nesting site.

30/11/20 20:05:55

I have no idea how we are managing to jog in these heels but no pain, no gain

24/11/20 9:01:59

Sleepy Wallow.

17/11/20 8:24:08

You can all stop looking out for Santa. He’s not coming this year. You’ve all been far too naughty.

10/11/20 8:01:49

The Bitches of Sheetwick.

25/10/20 12:07:32

Social services told Edith’s grandson that she was dehydrated and depressed so he killed two old birds with one stone. Edith and her neighbour.

23/10/20 11:00:35

There’s always one who will take the compulsory face covering to the extreme.

18/10/20 19:01:46

A leaked document has been retrieved by the CIA exposing Donald Trump’s next campaign strategy.

17/10/20 19:04:37

The only way I'm getting a holiday this year is if I can fit in this box and we send it back to China for a refund.

06/10/20 19:52:56

Tv’s are getting increasingly bigger but dead bodies are generally staying the same size.

06/10/20 19:07:40

Kelvin is not impressed with the latest idea of paintballing for enrichment during lock down. ”Those chimps are evil” he said in an interview earlier today at Monkeyworld in Dorset.

05/10/20 19:10:43

Opportunity Knots

28/09/20 19:23:25

A recent survey by magazine ”Toys Monthly” has revealed that the average age of little boys who play with Lego is 43.

27/09/20 9:09:03

I am actually a grasshopper and fell into a tin of white gloss with no lid on in the garden where I hang out. My wings are glued together so I am now registered disabled and get about in this toy that I found at the back of the shed.

27/09/20 8:52:18

The Dirty Dozen.

22/09/20 21:32:33

”Your house is on fire and your children are gone!
”I don’t care...just go away!

15/09/20 21:43:14

Ethel tests out the impact resistance of the Granny Master 2000 Deluxe Model with Titanium Alloy Wheels, Leather Handle and Burberry Trim (chav version also has optional neon blue underfloor lighting and "spinner" alloys) in a bus lane in Croydon.
 

14/09/20 8:11:13

Hand granitiser.

08/09/20 8:07:44

No need to cry over split milk.

16/02/21 20:00:32

Ratty Patty.

16/02/21 12:00:33

According to them, this is my enjoying myself face. One has to wonder what it’s like when I’m not.

09/02/21 12:05:56

“Do you like my bear onesie? I got it for Christmas.”

06/02/21 20:00:17

This place is weird. I’m busting out.

02/02/21 20:02:18

The Masked Blinger.

31/01/21 20:00:14

The moment you have to believe that personality is everything.

24/01/21 20:00:12

Where did you tell her you were going?”

“To carry on stripping at the bar.”

“What did she say?”

“She didn’t, she just kneed me in the groin.”

24/01/21 12:00:14

♪ I can see clearly now the rain has gone ♪

23/01/21 20:00:13

The Hurt Locker

22/01/21 20:00:18

I’ve always been a good listener. I was born that way.

15/01/21 12:00:15

Melania celebrates in style as her and Don leave town.

14/01/21 21:21:14

Many people have regressed during lock down. This guy thinks he is aged 7 in a “Music and Movement” session in primary school. Determined to be the biggest, strongest animal in the zoo.

10/01/21 12:00:28

The moment when you think things can’t get any worse and someone ties a live grenade round your neck disguised as a bauble.

03/01/21 12:22:22

Captain Birdseye promotes his new product of beer-battered cod.

27/12/20 9:35:14

My house is just along here on the left. It’s not the best place to live and it’s a nightmare getting home insurance.

22/12/20 12:24:59

When I grow up I want to be a bellyrina.

21/12/20 20:14:42

Dave was arrested for exposing himself in pubic.

13/12/20 10:38:34

Crime Scene Investigators were keen to shed some light on the evidence.

12/12/20 9:49:44

National Geographic have reported on the unearthing of a perfectly preserved prehistoric people following a giant quake in Peru. Looking at those chunky thighs, it confirms my theory that women’s rugby has been going a lot longer than any of us knew.

08/12/20 14:51:46

A bottle of Bud and a blue acid tab. The Christmas party might not be too bad after all this year.

06/12/20 12:50:40

Flowers and the Addict.

05/12/20 12:26:12

Looks like Halloween has had a head-on collision with Christmas but then it’s been that sort of a year.

02/12/20 20:20:38

Caesarian Section Sindy.

26/11/20 20:01:10

Lose the ankle snapper and you and me can have some fun.

18/11/20 8:54:37

Dev had a dodgy tummy after last nights party so when he saw the giant sea food platter arrive he was a crushedasian.

14/11/20 8:20:57

I wouldn’t trust Public transport to get me to the church on time. In fact I wouldn’t trust them to get me anywhere on time.

11/11/20 8:04:11

He’s been searching for months but Jim still hasn’t found his gym locker key.

03/11/20 13:56:22

If you’re a bit short of change, I’m quite partial to duffle coats. Any colour will do.

31/10/20 12:01:10

Jeff had taken out every window and a couple of elderly shoppers in his village so decided to practice his discus at the lake with a safety rope, from now on.

29/10/20 12:00:24

”Well Sal, when I bat my lashes like this I’m just the cutest, so he tosses me the biggest, most succulent sardine every time.”
”He hasn’t smelt your breath though, has he?

26/10/20 12:52:30

Cameron only walked as far as his village newsagents, but thought he would have his photo taken here and generate some fake news for his Instagram.

25/10/20 20:01:22

The empty beaches of Cornwall during lockdown are a ”clamity” for British tourism.

25/10/20 15:21:58

This evil chuffer took my eye out last Christmas so this year I am going to kill it.

24/10/20 7:00:44

Deliveroo’s two new recruits in the side dishes department are on the chipatti run this week-end.

23/10/20 19:01:58

Just 3 glasses of Gin and lemon and a beer pong helps the medicines go down, in the most delightful way.

23/10/20 11:03:41

Codeine, Ramipril, Simvastatin and Senna, all washed down with 3 glasses of bubbly. Lockdown isn’t so bad after all.

23/10/20 11:02:16

Winnie used to play the tuba in the Grimethorpe Colliery Band..reminiscence is very beneficial for dementia patients.

23/10/20 11:01:18

Crude Crotch Clan.

23/10/20 7:33:42

With an average of 37 blackcurrants in a 500ml glass of Ribena, Gulliver’s going to be waiting a while for his today.

16/10/20 8:37:35

”You should have been wearing your stab proof jacket. You deserve a good roasting for being such an idiot.”

13/10/20 19:01:58

clever

Have always wondered what that little ape-endage was for.

11/10/20 7:04:53

Nissan Cherry tomato.

10/10/20 19:00:39

”Can a guy get a light round here? I’ve been asking for hours but all this lot want to do is discuss their gender identity issues.

10/10/20 12:14:21

I’m not gonna look, I’m not gonna look, I’m not gonna look.

09/10/20 19:00:15

See, I've always said she was a handful!!

08/10/20 7:37:04

Paul held on to his Greggs sausage roll for dear life.

07/10/20 20:55:51

Peppa Pig is so yesterday. This is much more like it.

04/10/20 19:00:39

Apple bobbing.

02/10/20 7:24:30

That look when you wish you were actually blind on your blind date.

01/10/20 11:32:20

Mummyford and Sons rock Edinburgh Festival for fourth year running.

28/09/20 19:01:11

”The wedding was lovely wasn’t it?

”It was Barney, but what happens now?”

”I haven’t got the faintest idea.”

28/09/20 7:03:20

”I’m a Kingfisher and Kingfishers are on the ”rare in Britain” list.”

”You’ll be even rarer once I’ve tortured you mercilessly and then snuffed out your life.”

25/09/20 19:04:28

”Just because I’m wearing my brothel creepers doesn’t mean I’ve been up to no good love”...” No, it’s the fact that your flies are undone, and your t-shirt is on back to front.

22/09/20 8:27:41

Doodlepug

18/09/20 11:24:22

🎵 And I would do anything for love
I’d run right into hell and back
Yeah I would do anything for love
I’ll even have this sac and crack🎵

17/09/20 16:04:31

I didn’t exactly have this in mind when I listed transparency as a ”must have quality” on.Match.Com.

16/09/20 16:29:00

I wondered where the teeth from the Lilliput comb had disappeared to.

10/09/20 16:13:07

Josh didn’t realise his full immersion baptism would be so ce-real.

09/09/20 21:36:21

Shady, but with a bad down draught.

03/09/20 13:19:44

I am actually a white dove m’dear, but with lockdown and all, my roots have got the better of me.

02/09/20 14:48:24

Vera says aloe.

Wed 9:57:39

I see Tumbletots is allowed to reopen in May. Thank goodness for that. These adults are bad for my mental health. Just need to let rip in another venue other than the loo.

Tue 12:01:11

I usually relax with a book and my right breast exposed.

17/02/21 20:00:14

Always said the old cow had a split personality.

16/02/21 20:00:11

Have never had a problem attracting the birds.

15/02/21 9:45:47

“You either wear the camp, effeminate luminous pink socks or you are off the team. You got this guys. Hut Hut.

13/02/21 20:06:29

The Tour De France had to start somewhere.

13/02/21 12:56:35

What makes you think it was me who stole your Cornish Pasty?

12/02/21 9:58:28

We assured Gran that she wasn’t on the employment scrap heap at 76. She now works full time for the environmental agency as a fully certified fly catcher.

09/02/21 10:47:34

At last. Monkey World’s enrichment programme is starting to look up.

04/02/21 23:22:55

Boy do I love these silent movies. Don’t have to listen to these lot rabbiting on.

03/02/21 20:15:31

“Why are they taking photos of us?”

“Because we are the new face of EasyJet Aviation, we can’t fly anywhere.”

28/01/21 12:44:42

Fancy dress Santa gives Gulliver a pineapple cube for Christmas.

25/01/21 12:12:17

The US is flagging as a result of recent events.

24/01/21 11:34:04

Hark broken

20/01/21 20:00:12

Congratulations Mr. Presley. It’s not everyday I get to meet a heavyweight champion of the world.

19/01/21 20:00:18

Prayers stop play.

19/01/21 12:00:49

M and S launch their new range of “go faster grundies.”

19/01/21 10:49:36

Calm down love. You haven’t even got into the car yet.

18/01/21 20:40:41

See no evil.

18/01/21 20:29:26

It’s a cul-de-crack.

16/01/21 20:00:17

Stealing Elton John’s toupee was particularly cruel.

15/01/21 20:00:25

My internal dialogue has now become external.

15/01/21 12:01:14

“I tried to tell them I was hearing voices and they were having none of it. Did you just hear that?”

15/01/21 12:00:41

“You have such a cavalier attitude to those around you my dear. But then it must be remembered, that you are of course, a cat.”

15/01/21 9:24:41

“Keeping Faith” star Eve Miles finally gets rid of that awful yellow anorak.

14/01/21 21:20:27

Finger sticking good.

11/01/21 20:00:24

Sebastian had such pride in his eco friendly motor

11/01/21 9:42:14

Zero emissions, but only when parked up.

11/01/21 9:41:37

Bless daddy. He’s exhausted after changing my nappy, and guess what? I just did another big poo.

05/01/21 21:42:19

Leo dashes to the local b&q to get a new centre piece for the garden in his 1 bed apartment in Charing Cross before full lockdown begins.

04/01/21 20:00:47

Can’t imagine why people think I have an over-inflated ego.

03/01/21 16:26:39

“Listen mate, I’m the daddy. I’m the burglar stopper, you’re only the door stopper.”

29/12/20 11:45:39

Maccy D bun lid unearthed from 1982 time capsule. It wasn’t too fresh back then either.

28/12/20 20:37:26

Putting the “Happy” into Happy Meal.

28/12/20 20:33:15

Plastic patty, rubber gherkin and synthetic peppers. What’s not to like?

28/12/20 20:31:11

“What do you mean you’re going to do it up Derek?”

28/12/20 12:07:01

“It tastes of absolutely nothing...nothing at all. Yet another year with a crappy present.”

27/12/20 9:47:02

Tails of the nit-infested.

21/12/20 20:34:59

As you can see. I always take pride in my appearance.

21/12/20 20:13:33

Your nipples are doing a lot better than my cracked ones.

17/12/20 20:00:50

The Oxford students didn’t feel their concerns we're being heard so decided to us the town square as a platform to voice their opinions.

16/12/20 20:51:27

It’s about time we had a fashion show for the flat chested.

16/12/20 10:40:58

My neighbour Frank wasn’t impressed when I asked if I could loan his face for Halloween.

10/12/20 9:00:12

Ho Down Hamish enjoyed playing his part in the annual ”Find Rudolph’s Nose Competition.”

06/12/20 8:01:46

Mucky pup.

05/12/20 20:00:17

Basil is a perfect accompaniment for white wines.

03/12/20 8:12:42

The carol singers recovered well enough to complete their repertoire after the lone sniper attack at the annual Christmas Fair.

02/12/20 20:01:08

Love is in the air.

01/12/20 20:00:35

The marriage got off to a flying start.

01/12/20 20:00:19

Most of the fancy dress revellers dressed as rodeo cowboys except for Sid who went as Benny from Crossroads.

01/12/20 8:06:35

”The whole thing is a big yolk. Having to work all these eggstra hours over Easter is so unreasonable.”

30/11/20 12:30:50

November 2021 and social distancing is finally over. Let the hugathon begin.

28/11/20 20:00:49

Damn pothole.

27/11/20 20:29:07

The Australian wheelie.

27/11/20 20:03:26

”I must say Ken, you’ve been a lot more relaxed since you transitioned, and long blonde hair really suits you.

24/11/20 13:20:42

People are being stung by the inflated price of Vitamin B capsules in the U.K.

24/11/20 13:17:03