Ellen Duncalf

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	Can't pay nursing home fees? We'll take them away. Reasonable fees. Phone 01244 321546. 29/05/21 12:03:06	4 16
FFS that number is not recognised!! What a waste of my time --Mr Dome
	Yep. They've cleared off. Time to have some fun with the goldfish. 28/02/21 13:55:37	14

	The Minus Three Degrees. 15/03/21 20:00:17	13

	"Harold. Have you any idea where the Welsh oak dresser has gone from the dining room?" 04/01/21 12:13:29	12

	Ratachewy 30/03/21 12:00:16	11

	"Have you worked here long love?" "Not long. It's my third cleaning job this year." 08/03/21 12:03:09	11

	"Does anybody know which bag the paracetamol is in?" 01/03/21 12:00:10	11

	Always wise to keep well in with the mother-in-law. 28/02/21 20:06:33	11

	Breaking news: Actual protein has been found in a McDonalds meal. 16/02/21 12:00:18	11

	After months of lockdown with his wife and 4 kids, Mr.Roberts was more than thrilled to hear the hospital's "No Visitors" policy. 17/01/21 20:00:21	2 11
The cameraman was flouting the rules. --Willie Johnson
	The new mature Cindy doll comes with grey hair, face mask and mirror shades as standard. Bladder leak underwear and removable teeth can be bought in the accessory section. 22/10/20 20:00:47	11

	creative Lord Fitzgerald insisted on being present at his will reading so he could see all your indignant reactions when he lets you know he is leaving his 6.2 million to Battersea's Dogs Home. 03/04/21 13:30:32	10

	The cruise was all going well until they told us we were having a stopover in South Africa. 15/02/21 13:03:26	9

	Gosh, that new spearmint mouthwash is really strong. 20/11/20 8:00:21	9

	Men working for a local corrugated steel firm, have been told that although they can wear their wives underwear to work, any diva-style outbursts on the factory floor will not be tolerated. 09/10/20 12:00:37	9

	They say Spaniel's are great working dogs. This one's a snowplough. 11/05/21 9:08:41	8

	The cabinet reconvene after the Winter break. 03/12/20 12:04:39	8

	Tourist arrested on suspicion of smuggling a rare species of glow worm in his backpack. 30/11/20 20:08:12	8

	Lewis has been taking himself for his daily one hour exercise session during lockdown whilst his owners stay at home with a 24 pack and giant bags of Doritos. 09/11/20 8:24:13	8

	Pick a feather, any feather, look at it, remember it, now put it back in. 15/10/20 12:10:20	8

	Gav is still haunted by a recurring dream in which he lost his "biggie blue boulder marble" to Kevin Bradshaw in July 1972. 24/09/20 10:11:28	8

	lol "Gav, there's a bloke on the doorstep says he's from the care home up the road, says he was sat watching Cash in the Attic, got a cat hair stuck in his throat, coughed a couple of times and they dumped him outside ours." 18/09/20 22:17:10	8

	The man from Flora, he say yes. 15/09/20 8:02:32	8

	Never a good idea to have a game of Twister on your own. 11/03/21 20:00:13	7

	Named my boat after the wife. She is a little bottom heavy too. 14/11/20 20:22:57	7

	Even the pope has ruff days. 31/10/20 20:00:48	7

	Inspired by Tokein. 22/05/21 12:46:26	6

	Cracking the code. 21/05/21 20:00:13	6

	Thank you Finley for your word of the day. 18/05/21 12:52:06	2 6
Lol...we used to have word of the day when I was small. I remember it very clearly. --Ellen Duncalf
	Pompomerainian. 16/05/21 8:57:16	6

	I've got the cooking bug. 12/05/21 9:14:17	6

	"Daaaad. Have you seen the attachment for the vacuum cleaner?" "No, but your mother was the last to use it." 04/03/21 12:09:47	6

	What do you mean I can't hug anyone? I'm going back in, the world isn't ready for me yet. 18/02/21 8:05:51	6

	No matter how hard he tried he just didn't get the point. 17/01/21 12:00:37	6

	I just can't stop eating liquorice. 09/01/21 8:19:02	6

	Santa assembles gifts for creepy uncles on his list. 03/12/20 8:12:08	6

	Dalek-tible. 09/11/20 20:00:16	6

	"W" 03/11/20 16:15:18	6

	Due to Gav's recent visit to the cathouse he was now very much in the doghouse. 17/10/20 8:17:23	6

	They were talking so much rubbish I just had to dive into the conversation. 02/10/20 8:28:27	6

	Wallace and Gromit Appreciation Society 04/09/20 20:00:54	6

	Totify 26/06/21 9:07:52	5

	Please tell me that one of our owners isn't driving. 12/05/21 12:22:49	5

	Thank goodness restrictions have been lifted at last. It's been purrgatory having them wretched humans at home all day. 28/03/21 12:05:05	2 5
Lol..they dig a neat little hole and leave their little poops. Cheeky. --Ellen Duncalf
	It's good to know they now have Cajun spiced gazelle on Deliveroo. 16/01/21 12:55:58	5

	I knew it. Mum hasn't used Lenor in this weeks wash. She's used the cheaper Aldi brand. 24/11/20 23:18:46	5

	A little bird told me it's important to do the breast test. 22/11/20 12:00:41	5

	"Here we go again, another damn power surge. Happens every year when it's the Strictly Finals." 18/11/20 22:18:58	5

	lol No Smoking, but it's okay to drink Jack Daniels on the job at this local printing shop. 27/10/20 12:53:26	5

	Nothing stops thongman getting to Maccy D's before the breakfast menu cut off point, not even the two bullet wounds to his chest. 21/10/20 21:18:07	5

	There's nothing like a good lie down in front of the TV. 06/10/20 20:47:24	5

	Oldjets in the mirror are closer than they appear. 08/05/21 12:00:46	4

	"That's the third time this week I've had to pick you up from nursery for biting!" 30/04/21 19:19:05	4

	The Green bus company were striving for zero emissions, but weren't quite there yet. 07/03/21 13:13:09	2 4
â€œIt neednâ€™t be hell with Nicotinellâ€œ.. --Ellen Duncalf
	Kev, Gav and Steve got very into papier-mÃ¢chÃ© craft during lockdown. 20/02/21 9:45:55	2 4
Kev on the left used the Guardian, Gav (centre) the Independent and Steve, on the right, the Telegraph. --Karyn Harrison
	You are now entering the County of Caption.me. 05/02/21 20:00:19	4

	Oh no! My gravy's lumpy again. Now I am going to have to phone the Anxiety help line for the 5th time this week. 26/01/21 12:00:30	4

	A perfect example of a klan-destine wedding. 24/01/21 20:00:39	4

	So that's where the snowman's nose went. Stand nice and still and we can have a game of hoopla. 12/01/21 8:45:09	1 4
I always had a sneaking suspicion that Olaf was a homophobe, I mean come on he's obviously a white supremacist that chants "Snow White Power! Snow White Power!" --Glyn Evans
	Unfortunately, due to sickness, the local pub only had a skeleton staff during the festivities. 10/12/20 13:14:02	4

	I hit them damn power lines every time. Looks like I'll be sporting another afro again this Christmas. 08/12/20 21:58:54	4

	The moment you find out the mother-in-law has bogged off home after the Christmas holidays. 05/12/20 9:53:38	4

	" Right. Which one if you wise guys left the seat up? 04/12/20 9:01:35	4

	Sometimes it's the small things that can make all the difference. 02/12/20 13:07:14	4

	lol Meanwhile in downtown Chicago, the Mob waited for their moment to execute a hit on Mrs.Robert's peanut feeder. 01/12/20 8:06:07	4

	The suction on the public Portaloo flush in the town park continues to cause issues for passing cyclists. Clapham Council have been informed. 29/11/20 9:24:31	4

	Ryan's university "crash course in architecture" wasn't quite what he had anticipated. 28/11/20 12:00:30	4

	Kentucky Flied Chicken. 19/11/20 8:42:17	4

	"Please do not feed the animals recreational drugs." 17/11/20 8:31:23	4

	"You've peed all over the floor again" Jim's wife exclaimed! "That'll be because I was distracted by the amazing view", he retorted indignantly. "What's your excuse at home then.? 15/11/20 8:07:36	4

	This year's "knobbly knees" contest was won by Nancy from Normanton, pictured second left. Doris from Doncaster, far right was disqualified for cheating. 08/11/20 12:00:46	4

	Heavy fines were imposed on an Amish community when an illegal rave held by 500 members was dispersed recently. An elder responded with "there's just no fun anymore." Despite offering the officers a glass or two of cheery cordial they wouldn't be coerced. 20/10/20 8:21:08	4

	I can never remember trigonometry being this interesting in school. 17/10/20 20:03:54	3 4
I have done everything possible to eradicate the memory of it...smiles. --Ellen Duncalf
	Gosh, the disturbing characters in this film freaked me out when I was small and here they are again, they've resurfaced in my happy place. Back to therapy for me. 30/09/20 10:35:48	4

	"I suppose we should be grateful for the decent weather. All this social distancing suits me just fine because I can't stand you and I never have." 24/09/20 20:13:08	4

	Government compromises saying only our lower halves need to follow social distancing rules. 12/09/20 8:07:22	4

	Frocky Marciano. 06/09/20 21:26:55	4

	🎵 I always feel like some Buddah's watching me 🎵 06/09/20 21:07:32	4

	"Hi little birdie. I come from a long line of psychopaths and I have an incredible urge to pull both your wings off." 01/07/21 21:17:46	2 3
The long line of psychopaths wouldn't be the human race, would it? :-) --Glyn Evans
	His proposal was right on queue. 27/06/21 12:03:18	3

	Groinavon 05/05/21 20:06:58	3

	Whatever happened to "any loose change mate?" 04/05/21 20:04:28	1 3

	"Stop pouting Trisha. It's not going to speed up the proceedings." 12/04/21 8:00:13	3

	"Hello officer. This is Myfanwy Jones phoning from her kitchen in Blaenau Ffestiniog. I have just spotted two immigrants from England with my long range telescope who are at the summit of Snowdon and are 3.5cm short of the required 2 metres. You need to get up there and make it snappy. 31/03/21 12:00:21	3

	This day will go down in history. I just can't believe it, Primark is closing down. 19/03/21 8:42:15	3

	Dressed crab. 17/03/21 20:26:56	3

	Love lives matter. 12/03/21 12:00:12	3

	Not the best of places to have a hernia but that's life. 28/02/21 14:49:49	3

	Conerstone. 22/02/21 9:41:32	3

	I prefer my milk chilled. 19/02/21 12:00:12	3

	The Battle of Little with Big Horn. 31/01/21 10:40:00	3

	Orville and Preen. 21/01/21 20:00:10	1 3
Folks mocked them for stooping to this form of demeaning entertainment, but they had to take care of their bills. --Mauris Iocus
	Pain stops play. 19/01/21 12:09:48	3

	The canteen in our local hospital has taken on a sinister range of carbonated drinks. 10/01/21 11:27:00	3

	It's a sign of the times. Things have gone very off-kilter. 07/12/20 12:00:16	3

	Christmousse. 06/12/20 20:09:06	3

	Gulliver's nitcomb makes a great fence to keep overly keen Twitchers a safe distance from rare bird nesting site. 30/11/20 20:05:55	4 3
A nod is a way of acknowledging that someone has posted a similar caption, pun or idea before you did. This benefits the recipient of the nod by making their caption more noticeable via the comment. Along with the nod I think it helps if you say w... --Stephen Bean
	I have no idea how we are managing to jog in these heels but no pain, no gain 24/11/20 9:01:59	3

	Sleepy Wallow. 17/11/20 8:24:08	3

	You can all stop looking out for Santa. He's not coming this year. You've all been far too naughty. 10/11/20 8:01:49	3

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