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Stephen Bean Vote score: 27038Stephen Bean

"Can you ask the captioneers for a bed pun please."

02/11/22 12:05:53

Chris Keegan Vote score: 12573Chris Keegan

“Have you considered changing your name, Neil?”

02/11/22 12:05:10

Vivvy En Vote score: 10715Vivvy En

"Do you want me to cancel the appointment for your ingrown toenail?"

02/11/22 12:25:09

Craig Eddsenior Vote score: 1977Craig Eddsenior

"On the bright side I sold all your trainers and shoes on gumtree"

02/11/22 12:03:33

Mark Cowling Vote score: 1505Mark Cowling

"So I have good news and bad news. The good news: you're really going to save on shoes."

02/11/22 12:01:57

Ian Skelding Vote score: 29475Ian Skelding

“You’re so lucky, when you’re back in the office you’ll be able to spin all the way round in your chair.”

02/11/22 12:28:25

Mr Dome  Vote score: 14755Mr Dome

The genie granted my wish to have my penis swinging only 6 inches from the floor

02/11/22 14:02:54

John Harrison Vote score: 935John Harrison

"Well, The Great Soprendo can find another sodding assistant."

02/11/22 13:00:26

Stephen Bean Vote score: 27038Stephen Bean

"Apparently the lady after you was supposed to have the double amputation. Fortunately they realised there'd been a slight mix up before giving her a vasectomy."

02/11/22 12:43:51, edited: 02/11/22 12:45:43

Kate B Vote score: 2099Kate B

"So you have another excuse for not taking out the rubbish bins".

02/11/22 12:20:20

Stephen Bean Vote score: 27038Stephen Bean

"Just think about how much weight you've lost."

02/11/22 13:01:30

Chris Keegan Vote score: 12573Chris Keegan

The good news is I've found someone who wants to buy your shoes.

02/11/22 12:02:06

Craig Eddsenior Vote score: 1977Craig Eddsenior

"So you waited until they amputated both legs to tell me you're having an affair?"

02/11/22 12:01:15

"It won't work between us any more, my mistress has an amputee fetish"  --Glyn Evans
Paul Gledhill Vote score: 597Paul Gledhill

James was feeling very upbeat as he was very pleased with his new prosthetic arm.

02/11/22 14:19:04

C CaMel Vote score: 8899C CaMel

“Ok, before I tell you what happened just remember we love you from your head to your shins.”

02/11/22 14:08:11

Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 6097Scrijjy Doo

He was going to sue, but they said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

02/11/22 12:04:49, edited: 02/11/22 12:05:13

Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 13864Neil Mackenzie

I only wanted my calf’s removing from the Settee.

02/11/22 20:29:41

Mr Dome  Vote score: 14755Mr Dome

- Shall I sing you a song to cheer you up?
- yes please luv that would be lovely-
- ok sure. Your toe bone's connected to your foot bone
Your foo-. Oops sorry. I'll try another one. Erm. HEADS shoulders knees and toe- oh no sorry. Um....Let's dance, put on your red shoes-. DAMN!! Sorry. I'm making a real hash of this. Walk this way- bloody hell! Walk like an Egyptian- running up that hill, tiptoe through the tulips...

02/11/22 19:00:16

Mr Dome  Vote score: 14755Mr Dome

Well at least you can lie down fully in the back seat when we go dogging

02/11/22 18:50:21

Glyn Evans Vote score: 10370Glyn Evans

"Brian, it's very simple. I need to know where you are at all times so amputating your legs seemed the only natural solution..."

02/11/22 15:34:48

Al Overy Vote score: 14159Al Overy

"What happened to your legs, Matthew?"

"I fell victim to bed saws."

02/11/22 13:01:16

stoneface1 Vote score: 1704stoneface1

"Well the good news is they finally got that plastic pipe off your head "

02/11/22 12:57:55

tony kelly Vote score: 1522tony kelly

'Ah well, at least nothing else can go wrong...'
'Did I tell you? Matt Hancock's due to visit this afternoon.'

02/11/22 12:44:10

Dave Bryan Vote score: 23578Dave Bryan

''Are you going to theatre this afternoon?''

''No, I can't stand Shakespeare.''

02/11/22 12:25:36

Chris Keegan Vote score: 12573Chris Keegan

“So, you say while you were under anaesthetic you dreamt a train track turned into a zip and then disappeared?”

02/11/22 12:25:18

alexandra ball Vote score: 2004alexandra ball

My husband is leaving me bit by bit.

02/11/22 12:13:50

Craig Eddsenior Vote score: 1977Craig Eddsenior

"Jeez, Alan, you look half dead"

02/11/22 12:01:59

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