£50
WINNER

lol x4 clever x3

Due to social distancing the pool only has water in lanes 1,3,5 and 7. So if the swimmer representing Ireland in the 200m backstroke could move to the next lane across please

19/07/20 12:36:41

£50
WINNER

lol x2 clever

18/12/20 9:44:36

lol x2 creative x2

All these animals on Noahs Ark and I'm the only one who feels seasick

12/02/20 20:11:57

lol x3

Excellent, I give this product 5 star rating - Susan from Bristol

Q... Has your bottom got softer,looks or feels better due to the Enriched Vitamin E - Dave from London

A... What a great question Dave, I honestly think it has - Susan from Bristol

Q... Got any photo's? - Dave from London

A... *uck off you pervert - Susan from Bristol

20/03/21 9:41:32

creative

Just leave it

No, I'm getting that pound coin out of that supermarket trolley

09/04/21 13:27:51

lol x2

"I can't wait till the beauty salons open again"

"You and me both honey"

18/06/20 13:14:10

Toast... testing smoke alarms since 1961

21/07/20 13:54:05

lol

Tina had just been run over by a car, but just when she thought her day couldn't get any worse..

Mon 8:12:07

lol x2

"Not gonna lie it was hard work getting up that waterfall"

05/09/20 14:06:04

" You gonna tell her she's not allowed on the sofa"

16/01/21 12:19:02

"Can't believe the girls started the beach volleyball without me"

27/05/20 9:00:18

lol

This is your captain speaking, just a bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about

28/02/20 20:12:10

7,8,9,10 ... Coming ready or not

18/08/20 13:10:48

lol

" It's me, open the door"

06/08/20 9:49:41

lol

" We're behind schedule, you'll have to carry on working through your lunch"

18/07/20 12:14:45

Gutter press

03/03/20 8:05:26

clever

Whoever did this deserves a

S
L
A
P

05/02/20 21:48:30

Eating chocolate coins with the wrappers still on hurts a bit, but your poo looks fantastic.

22/01/20 20:33:52

The tree surgeons aftercare service was a nice touch

14/07/20 13:19:24

My fault, I did asked for a short back and sides

22/04/20 8:15:11

Mr Kipling reveals how he copes with his mental health issues during lockdown

20/04/20 10:35:21

He died of a brain tuba

24/03/21 20:25:45

lol

Oh shit perhaps I am left handed after all

08/03/21 16:20:34

"What's the plan if this all kicks off Sarge"

"Taser the kid"

12/01/21 9:46:59

"I didn't join the police to stand here, I joined to book motorists doing 31 in a 30 zone"

29/08/20 20:46:41

It was a bit of a struggle but we finally got the sofa in through the doorway

18/08/20 10:06:37

" Bloody seagulls, move your boat out of the way"

15/08/20 12:26:40

Wow that was one extreme game of paintballing

30/07/20 9:35:51

I'm not signing up for the office carpooling scheme again

20/04/20 20:57:37

lol

Not saying everyone's getting bored by the lockdown but the dog's just washed the dishes again.

14/04/20 16:47:33

lol

For those of you watching on a black and white tv the red thingy is eating the blue and yellow sunglasses wearing thingy

01/04/20 21:30:27

Who are all these people spending all day on the shitter eating pasta?

22/03/20 15:02:26

4 years on telesales and I've sold something

28/02/20 20:08:51

Jerry was over excited for his first sleep over

10/02/20 23:37:06

I just can't get this tune out of my head.

28/01/20 8:08:01

🎵 If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my deers 🎵

14/01/20 21:12:01

"I don't no how they managed to flush him down the toilet"

01/04/21 12:11:05

" Just can't keep it in your trousers can you... can't believe we're now banned from the donut stand"

12/02/21 22:25:03

creative

"Don't forget the winner of this bout meets the winner of the Blueberry verses Woodlice fight, which is also live on Channel 5

13/08/20 2:21:13

"What's happened to your hand Dave"?

"See that dog sitting perfectly still, I thought he was one of those charity boxes and tried to post 50p into his head"

30/07/20 20:33:19

"Ha ha, I've got two left feet"

"Ha ha, that's nothing I'm an escaped mental patient"

26/05/20 17:06:34

I'm not liking the look on that chicken now it's defrosted

17/03/20 17:57:45

I just can't see any demand for knitted skeletons, so for that reason I'm out.

11/01/20 9:28:38

lol

"Unfortunately Ms Stag you've not passed your driving test on this occasion"

05/04/21 22:10:35

Social services were called immediately after the mother and son dance had finished

22/10/20 8:49:45

FOR SALE BMW, one couldn't careless owner

05/08/20 8:51:12

"Well I'm fucked if I know" said David Attenborough

04/06/20 23:34:47

Just do f**k all till that wildlife film crew p**s off

08/02/20 21:40:56

"About time you two woke up, have I got to do everything for myself?"

14/03/21 9:05:28

creative

Little did they know they'd be the 2 favourite rubber face masks used by bank robbers

19/01/21 22:19:46

"He died doing what he loved"

15/08/20 9:21:26

Meanwhile on Britain's beaches

14/07/20 1:25:27

Shit I forgot i told him to "stay" hours ago

30/06/20 9:48:45

Officer Malone, a 20 year police veteran said it was the worst thing he'd ever witnessed in that fridge .... 4 Pineapple low fat yogurts

29/06/20 20:44:20

Nobody knew why Alison was naked as her job was just to move scenery inbetween acts

25/06/20 20:44:24

Don't worry they've been given guide dogs

04/06/20 8:59:18

Elton John's taking these hair transplants too far now

25/05/20 22:03:00

" This is amazing, I can't believe the atmosphere here and we're not too far from the front now"

"Yeah but do we really need anything from B&Q "

05/05/20 9:58:37

What virus? We're wearing Stella McCartney's spring catwalk collection

15/03/20 8:31:40

Lift out of order again so I'm gonna sleep in the car.

20/01/20 12:06:04

And that's me and the wife at Royal Ascot

Where?

She's under the hat

Fri 15:59:51

There goes the office stationary supplier. Gotta give him A4 effort

03/04/21 23:01:13

Speed dating for farmers

06/03/21 15:06:51

Priti Patel 'welcomes' a new MP to the Home Office Department

18/01/21 19:48:22

lol

The plastic surgery went well Mr Smith, although I always get confused which is Ant and which is Dec ... so I gave you the cheeky grin of one and the massive forehead of the other

18/01/21 7:22:00

It started off as a wart on my finger

06/01/21 22:17:23

When I was a lad this was all fields

05/01/21 16:48:37

"I'll let go of your ear hair when you let go of my armpit hair'

19/08/20 14:54:25

"Hello, can you hear me? There's good news and bad news, the good news is the fire's out"

18/08/20 21:02:53

Mask of Tutankhamun bought off eBay could be a forgery say council

15/08/20 21:20:38

" Come on boys let's can-can like our lives depended on it"

10/08/20 13:32:30

"I'm not playing golf again at this Doctor Dolittle Golf and country club. Crocodiles on the fairway, rattle snakes in the bunkers and someone said there's a tiger in the woods"

05/08/20 20:27:07

"Mum, please can we just wait till the barber's reopen"

21/07/20 8:13:08

Since he played a dire wolf in Game of Thrones he's become a right diva

20/07/20 9:40:28

Cunning worms confuse early birds with testing questions

13/07/20 18:46:19

Kids going back to school... slowly

18/06/20 0:07:46

Bonio, Bonio, wherefore art thou Bonio?

17/06/20 16:59:25

lol

🎵The wheels on the Bush go round and round🎵

15/06/20 21:26:06

So i have 9 lives and you have 1 life and thats why you better not piss me off, do I make myself clear

09/06/20 9:27:39

Hi I've been laid off by British airways so I'd like to volunteer to be a ventilator.

29/03/20 18:41:53

Dont stare at the hand, don't stare at the hand, change the subject ... i won a teddy on one of those grab machines last week

25/03/20 19:22:10

lol

Enjoy my laxative laced cone Mr Gull and to all you laughing back there get ready to run!!

12/03/20 9:05:08

lol

Not funny, Funny Bean, hurry and take the bloody photo, my wings are killing me.

31/01/20 8:55:24

I buy Vaseline and cucumbers together so the cashier doesn't think I'm some sort of weirdo, like a vegan!

28/01/20 9:02:01

No,I don't think it's been a weird 1st date just too tired to come in for a coffee, so if you'd just untie me I'll be on my way

10/12/19 13:33:52

"Eve, is it just me or are these forbidden fruit trees looking more and more tempting everyday"

26/02/21 20:53:23

Roo'd

22/01/21 8:26:36

lol

Sharks, the main reason there are so many unfinished symphonies

22/10/20 18:59:49

"Okay, so i can tell you've done something wrong, I just haven't found it yet"

21/08/20 15:16:23

"I'm sorry Mr Watts but you've failed your driving test"

30/07/20 9:30:51

Curiosity killed the cat, despite the rabbits CPR attempts

26/07/20 16:23:18

"It's just I wish my Dad's last dying words weren't I'll come back and haunt you if you marry him"

23/07/20 12:25:47

" Sorry again for shouting out Sindy's name in the throws of passion"

21/07/20 21:31:48

I found the Chelsea Flower show particularly disappointing this year

14/07/20 12:43:43

Dave, are you ashamed that I'm your girlfriend?

04/07/20 20:15:50

clever

Dave and Sue were an exact match on the dating site. Dave liked long walks and Sue was a lazy cow

28/06/20 12:13:03

What's not to like... cooks,cracking body and can still get you a beer if you've mislaid the bottle opener

22/06/20 16:47:16

Argos back open again i see

12/06/20 20:01:26

Sitting
Sitting,waiting
Sitting,waiting,patiently
Sitting,waiting,patiently,planning

The total annihilation of the 1st poor unfortunate car to enter the monkey enclosure when the safari park eventually opens again

11/06/20 18:27:26

This game needs spicing up... send on the woodworm

23/05/20 12:35:14

Dave had a fear of water but never let it stop him living life to the full

13/05/20 9:19:54

🎵Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Very, very frightening me.
(Galileo) Galileo.
(Galileo) Galileo,
Galileo Figaro
Magnifico-o-o-o-o.🎵

15/04/20 22:18:05

clever

Oh so it was a phone in your pocket and you weren't pleased to see me

19/02/20 19:44:16

Nope, still can't find it..

05/02/20 8:44:54

I've been on the cabbage diet for 2 weeks and haven't had any noticeable side effects

06/01/20 21:41:18

Mr James, there's good news and bad news. The good news is we were able to save the large intestine

Fri 10:23:21

lol

Nelson Mandela's been a while in the toilet, I can't hold his sign forever

11/04/21 20:13:11

No, this is Arlington Drive. Arlington Avenue is down the hill and 2nd left

09/04/21 10:26:25

First rule of chess club, never admit you're in chess club especially to fight club members

13/03/21 22:20:36

Please God let me not oversleep tomorrow so I can put a caption dead on time and perhaps get a vote

13/03/21 9:56:07

"Come on ref you've got to call the game off"

18/02/21 18:51:27

Dave's stretch limo canoe hire business was going well

15/02/21 14:32:06

Here he comes with his usual cheap present.You know his problem, short arms and deep pockets.

25/01/21 14:25:07

Before ordering your sex dolls from ETSY, check the measurements

08/12/20 9:17:22

No officer, I've not seen anything unusual...

28/11/20 10:45:42

RSPB.. move away from the ledge

02/09/20 20:22:10

Balloons, just like your virginity ladies, one prick and it's gone

22/08/20 20:54:30

Mum, Dad's cheating at musical chairs again

21/08/20 8:11:29

"Pass me the ball"
"What ball?"

19/08/20 9:33:04

With Road Runner never falling for his traps Wile E. Coyote tries his luck with wallabies

14/08/20 18:47:32

"Okay so we've hired the boat anyone remember the next step of fishing?"

11/08/20 20:30:57

" Stop beeping me, I didn't know the lights were green I'm bloody colour blind"

08/08/20 22:25:52

lol

Pringles, once you pop you just can't stop

02/08/20 23:48:05

10 minutes later and we were thrown out of Ikea

28/07/20 0:41:06

I can definitely see Jesus face on one of them, and Michael Jackson on at least 4 throughout the different stages of his career

21/07/20 13:48:41

There's always that one man who's not impressed by anything

10/07/20 19:55:59

"Wow, you lost 3 teeth during lockdown. You must be rich with the tooth fairy money"

" You'd think but my Dad said the tooth fairy didn't make it through the pandemic"

09/07/20 9:46:28

It's nice here, but it's hard to beat last year's holiday, it was a Fab

09/07/20 9:37:51

Mum, Dad bet you can't see me now as I'm camelflaged

27/06/20 23:54:29

"Yeah just post the photo and then get me down"

09/06/20 20:46:44

How's she got the nice shoes whem i'm the one doing all the walking?

11/04/20 9:40:02

Beginners tight rope classes were proving difficult for some

09/04/20 15:22:47

" Well I'm not apologising either "

08/02/20 20:43:12

Can't wait till I hit puberty age so my balls drop. They look ridiculous on my face.

04/02/20 8:29:05

WWW.CRAPBADGES.COM

30/01/20 20:17:47

Origami's not for everyone

28/01/20 22:23:59

New red light district rules degrading say workers.

12/01/20 11:27:55

Wow Dale Winton was right, once you go orange faced nobody notices you playing with your penis

09/12/19 9:52:56

Australians didn't see snow often

06/04/21 8:25:15

"We're gonna get eaten" - Grape Expectations

02/04/21 10:30:53

Alexa just play the bloody song I asked for

31/03/21 7:49:32

This will be a breeze, nothings gonna stop me getting into University. Right wheres my glasses?

22/03/21 20:08:26

"My first threesome was disappointing to say the least"

03/03/21 20:07:09

Disney Pixar deny cutting corners on latest animation offering

03/03/21 10:16:11

"This your first time speed dating?"

21/02/21 21:12:11

Mrs Smith, as a supply teacher have you ever done a parents evening before?

11/02/21 21:12:41

As lockdown Birthday parties go, Janet's was a success. Pity she couldn't invite anybody else.

10/02/21 9:22:30

"Cheeky, yes I am a homing pigeon, why ask?"

"No reason. Blackpool's changed hasn't it"

17/01/21 12:04:31

Tina tried everything to hide her birth mark

28/12/20 20:57:41

This grass is a real pain in the arse said Barbie

08/12/20 9:18:48

" Quick, phone the police that weirdos in the bushes again"

05/12/20 14:05:53

I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but if you promise not to chew the headrests...

28/11/20 10:42:13

Fido Castro

15/11/20 12:11:30

" Me and the lads have had a chat and we're all in agreement that we prefer Tesco's baked products"

22/08/20 18:11:49

"Grandma what big teeth you have"

"Red, what bad eyesight you have"

20/08/20 10:43:04

That moment of relief when it's finally the kids bedtime

18/08/20 10:57:32

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

16/08/20 12:03:40

" That's my third guide dog that's drowned this month.... damn you Venice"

15/08/20 12:18:21

"Come on don't be a baby,it didn't hurt"

"No,it was just a surprise as I'm your drinks waitress"

10/08/20 22:16:53

"ghffuh mmnet"

"Perhaps we should interview him after the competition boss"

06/08/20 20:10:56

" By time he'd worked out how to undo it someone had nicked his bike"

29/07/20 9:21:23

Jesus, how dare you rise from the dead on Easter. Everyone knows it's rabbits and chocolate eggs day

25/06/20 20:47:25

You might want to keep hold of me tight as I wasn't finished pooing when you called me for yet another cute social media video

29/05/20 9:54:22

"You sure dancing like this works with the ladies"

" Yeah I seen it on the Inbetweeners movie"

26/05/20 16:01:40

Well I was 2 metres away until I got all aroused

25/05/20 16:04:45

I can't use chopsticks either ladies

23/05/20 12:30:38

Had an accident that wasn't your fault?

19/05/20 20:05:17

See it works, nobody's looking at that spot on my cheek anymore

16/05/20 11:50:03

Beauty spots use new tactics to keep people away during lockdown

18/04/20 10:20:45

Those socks with shorts, noooooo

17/04/20 21:23:04

I'm not complaining as the sex is amazing but he needs help with his morning breath

09/04/20 21:38:08

Feline version of David Attenborough not impressed with the human mating ritual

22/03/20 21:50:28

Please God put the Premier league football back on soon

15/03/20 22:22:50

These beer goggles are broken

04/03/20 18:38:02

Yes I'll help you look for your wank sock

27/02/20 13:16:06

Gulliver something or other... just hit the vote button!!

26/02/20 20:55:56

" Mum I'm 32 you don't have to baby me.. shit I've forgotten to get dressed".

10/02/20 23:19:06

"You sure it's a greyhound Dave"?
"Yeah why"?
"cos he's eaten dogs 3 and 5.

05/02/20 15:37:47

When I said Whoa! hold your horses that's not what I meant Dave.

01/02/20 13:30:35

Street Boys Bringing in Politicians
Must Pay For Room In Advance.
(Politicians can claim back on expenses)

29/01/20 22:41:27

How hard are people throwing coins into this wishing well.

22/01/20 20:23:00

Release the bulls.

22/01/20 8:49:56

The ace of shades

04/01/20 14:41:25

Im not moving until you do that loaves and fishes thing mate

24/12/19 20:20:07

Quentin Tarantino tries to jump on the Marvel films success by targeting a younger audience for reservoir dogs II

10/12/19 9:35:51

Spank me big boy!

Not falling for that again, broke 3 toes last time

Mon 9:15:58

"I hope you're all ashamed of yourselves, if one of you had given up your seat for poor old Mrs Wiggins...."

03/04/21 13:39:41

"Hi, it's my first time in a public toilet could you show me how you use the urinals"

31/03/21 20:20:47

"I can't find reverse on this thing"

30/03/21 8:52:36

"You have nipples too Linda, let's see how you like getting milked shall we"

29/03/21 22:51:39

That's me after seeing the ghostly figure, shaking like a leaf

28/03/21 8:16:07

Russian long jump athlete accused of using performance enhancing drugs

21/03/21 19:29:53

Shhh, nobody really likes Budweiser

06/03/21 20:58:38

Being an identical twin, when one felt pain so did the other. Somewhere in a different caption her identical twin sister Susan was suffering a bird attack too.

02/03/21 8:10:07

"No way, you threw it, you ask him can we have our ball back"

14/02/21 12:15:17

"Sorry Sandra I couldn't hide from your husband in the wardrobe or under the bed"

05/02/21 12:18:33

"Didn't you see the ice warning signs"

"How could I.... I was too busy on my phone"

28/01/21 20:30:15

" I don't get why he's waiting, just take the photo. Now he's clapping his hands and jumping up and down"

27/01/21 20:37:24

"Anybody want my false ID, as I'm 37 now the pubs have opened back up"

24/01/21 14:48:49

Wow, I can't remember the office looking this bad before the lockdown

10/01/21 11:32:42