£50
WINNER

lol x4 clever x3

Due to social distancing the pool only has water in lanes 1,3,5 and 7. So if the swimmer representing Ireland in the 200m backstroke could move to the next lane across please

19/07/20 12:36:41

£50
WINNER

lol x2 clever

18/12/20 9:44:36

lol x2 creative x2

All these animals on Noahs Ark and I'm the only one who feels seasick

12/02/20 20:11:57

lol x3

Excellent, I give this product 5 star rating - Susan from Bristol

Q... Has your bottom got softer,looks or feels better due to the Enriched Vitamin E - Dave from London

A... What a great question Dave, I honestly think it has - Susan from Bristol

Q... Got any photo's? - Dave from London

A... *uck off you pervert - Susan from Bristol

20/03/21 9:41:32

Hello Autoglass, I've got a chip in my windscreen

24/05/21 12:07:00

creative

Just leave it

No, I'm getting that pound coin out of that supermarket trolley

09/04/21 13:27:51

lol x2

"I can't wait till the beauty salons open again"

"You and me both honey"

18/06/20 13:14:10

Toast... testing smoke alarms since 1961

21/07/20 13:54:05

lol

I don't fancy their chances of making it across the English Channel in that.

12/06/21 8:25:59

That's him Dad, he's the frog that threatened me

30/04/21 12:07:57

lol

Tina had just been run over by a car, but just when she thought her day couldn't get any worse..

12/04/21 8:12:07

lol x2

"Not gonna lie it was hard work getting up that waterfall"

05/09/20 14:06:04

Shutter Island

07/07/21 12:14:31

" You gonna tell her she's not allowed on the sofa"

16/01/21 12:19:02

"Can't believe the girls started the beach volleyball without me"

27/05/20 9:00:18

lol

This is your captain speaking, just a bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about

28/02/20 20:12:10

7,8,9,10 ... Coming ready or not

18/08/20 13:10:48

lol

" It's me, open the door"

06/08/20 9:49:41

lol

" We're behind schedule, you'll have to carry on working through your lunch"

18/07/20 12:14:45

Gutter press

03/03/20 8:05:26

clever

Whoever did this deserves a

S
L
A
P

05/02/20 21:48:30

Eating chocolate coins with the wrappers still on hurts a bit, but your poo looks fantastic.

22/01/20 20:33:52

"I wanted to win the goldfish"

20/07/21 8:16:21

lol

Mum, what's a tit wank?

10/05/21 21:26:04

The tree surgeons aftercare service was a nice touch

14/07/20 13:19:24

My fault, I did asked for a short back and sides

22/04/20 8:15:11

Mr Kipling reveals how he copes with his mental health issues during lockdown

20/04/20 10:35:21

He died of a brain tuba

24/03/21 20:25:45

lol

Oh shit perhaps I am left handed after all

08/03/21 16:20:34

"What's the plan if this all kicks off Sarge"

"Taser the kid"

12/01/21 9:46:59

"I didn't join the police to stand here, I joined to book motorists doing 31 in a 30 zone"

29/08/20 20:46:41

It was a bit of a struggle but we finally got the sofa in through the doorway

18/08/20 10:06:37

" Bloody seagulls, move your boat out of the way"

15/08/20 12:26:40

Wow that was one extreme game of paintballing

30/07/20 9:35:51

I'm not signing up for the office carpooling scheme again

20/04/20 20:57:37

lol

Not saying everyone's getting bored by the lockdown but the dog's just washed the dishes again.

14/04/20 16:47:33

lol

For those of you watching on a black and white tv the red thingy is eating the blue and yellow sunglasses wearing thingy

01/04/20 21:30:27

Who are all these people spending all day on the shitter eating pasta?

22/03/20 15:02:26

4 years on telesales and I've sold something

28/02/20 20:08:51

Jerry was over excited for his first sleep over

10/02/20 23:37:06

I just can't get this tune out of my head.

28/01/20 8:08:01

🎵 If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my deers 🎵

14/01/20 21:12:01

"Play it cool, when the officer asks for your licence say your human ate it"

Sat 9:45:26

"For the last bloody time there is no plane"

26/06/21 20:36:08

lol

I'm so sorry Laura, I was really nervous for our first date and my hands were a bit sweaty

01/05/21 21:05:16

"I don't no how they managed to flush him down the toilet"

01/04/21 12:11:05

" Just can't keep it in your trousers can you... can't believe we're now banned from the donut stand"

12/02/21 22:25:03

creative

"Don't forget the winner of this bout meets the winner of the Blueberry verses Woodlice fight, which is also live on Channel 5

13/08/20 2:21:13

"What's happened to your hand Dave"?

"See that dog sitting perfectly still, I thought he was one of those charity boxes and tried to post 50p into his head"

30/07/20 20:33:19

"Ha ha, I've got two left feet"

"Ha ha, that's nothing I'm an escaped mental patient"

26/05/20 17:06:34

I'm not liking the look on that chicken now it's defrosted

17/03/20 17:57:45

I just can't see any demand for knitted skeletons, so for that reason I'm out.

11/01/20 9:28:38

These vending machines are getting ridiculous, I only wanted a coffee

06/07/21 20:17:36

I got it at a car boot sale

30/05/21 11:26:48

lol

"Unfortunately Ms Stag you've not passed your driving test on this occasion"

05/04/21 22:10:35

Social services were called immediately after the mother and son dance had finished

22/10/20 8:49:45

FOR SALE BMW, one couldn't careless owner

05/08/20 8:51:12

"Well I'm fucked if I know" said David Attenborough

04/06/20 23:34:47

Just do f**k all till that wildlife film crew p**s off

08/02/20 21:40:56

India has a bobsleigh team

12/06/21 8:42:33

"About time you two woke up, have I got to do everything for myself?"

14/03/21 9:05:28

creative

Little did they know they'd be the 2 favourite rubber face masks used by bank robbers

19/01/21 22:19:46

"He died doing what he loved"

15/08/20 9:21:26

Meanwhile on Britain's beaches

14/07/20 1:25:27

Shit I forgot i told him to "stay" hours ago

30/06/20 9:48:45

Officer Malone, a 20 year police veteran said it was the worst thing he'd ever witnessed in that fridge .... 4 Pineapple low fat yogurts

29/06/20 20:44:20

Nobody knew why Alison was naked as her job was just to move scenery inbetween acts

25/06/20 20:44:24

Don't worry they've been given guide dogs

04/06/20 8:59:18

Elton John's taking these hair transplants too far now

25/05/20 22:03:00

" This is amazing, I can't believe the atmosphere here and we're not too far from the front now"

"Yeah but do we really need anything from B&Q "

05/05/20 9:58:37

What virus? We're wearing Stella McCartney's spring catwalk collection

15/03/20 8:31:40

Lift out of order again so I'm gonna sleep in the car.

20/01/20 12:06:04

clever

3 - 7 years it said on the box and I did it in 8 hours flat.

12/07/21 15:26:45

"Hello, single woman in their forties helpline, Cat speaking"

24/06/21 20:06:35

This is your captain... if there is a scarecrow on board could you make yourself known to the cabin crew, failing that it's the usual doctor on board message

01/05/21 9:12:55

Awww, you bloody blinked... it's ruined now

30/04/21 20:47:26

And that's me and the wife at Royal Ascot

Where?

She's under the hat

16/04/21 15:59:51

There goes the office stationary supplier. Gotta give him A4 effort

03/04/21 23:01:13

Speed dating for farmers

06/03/21 15:06:51

Priti Patel 'welcomes' a new MP to the Home Office Department

18/01/21 19:48:22

lol

The plastic surgery went well Mr Smith, although I always get confused which is Ant and which is Dec ... so I gave you the cheeky grin of one and the massive forehead of the other

18/01/21 7:22:00

It started off as a wart on my finger

06/01/21 22:17:23

When I was a lad this was all fields

05/01/21 16:48:37

"I'll let go of your ear hair when you let go of my armpit hair'

19/08/20 14:54:25

"Hello, can you hear me? There's good news and bad news, the good news is the fire's out"

18/08/20 21:02:53

Mask of Tutankhamun bought off eBay could be a forgery say council

15/08/20 21:20:38

" Come on boys let's can-can like our lives depended on it"

10/08/20 13:32:30

"I'm not playing golf again at this Doctor Dolittle Golf and country club. Crocodiles on the fairway, rattle snakes in the bunkers and someone said there's a tiger in the woods"

05/08/20 20:27:07

"Mum, please can we just wait till the barber's reopen"

21/07/20 8:13:08

Since he played a dire wolf in Game of Thrones he's become a right diva

20/07/20 9:40:28

Cunning worms confuse early birds with testing questions

13/07/20 18:46:19

Kids going back to school... slowly

18/06/20 0:07:46

Bonio, Bonio, wherefore art thou Bonio?

17/06/20 16:59:25

lol

🎵The wheels on the Bush go round and round🎵

15/06/20 21:26:06

So i have 9 lives and you have 1 life and thats why you better not piss me off, do I make myself clear

09/06/20 9:27:39

Hi I've been laid off by British airways so I'd like to volunteer to be a ventilator.

29/03/20 18:41:53

Dont stare at the hand, don't stare at the hand, change the subject ... i won a teddy on one of those grab machines last week

25/03/20 19:22:10

lol

Enjoy my laxative laced cone Mr Gull and to all you laughing back there get ready to run!!

12/03/20 9:05:08

lol

Not funny, Funny Bean, hurry and take the bloody photo, my wings are killing me.

31/01/20 8:55:24

I buy Vaseline and cucumbers together so the cashier doesn't think I'm some sort of weirdo, like a vegan!

28/01/20 9:02:01