£50
WINNER

lol x4 clever x3

Due to social distancing the pool only has water in lanes 1,3,5 and 7. So if the swimmer representing Ireland in the 200m backstroke could move to the next lane across please

19/07/20 11:36:41

£50
WINNER

lol x2 clever

18/12/20 9:44:36

lol x2 creative x2

All these animals on Noahs Ark and I'm the only one who feels seasick

12/02/20 20:11:57

lol x2

"I can't wait till the beauty salons open again"

"You and me both honey"

18/06/20 12:14:10

Toast... testing smoke alarms since 1961

21/07/20 12:54:05

lol x2

"Not gonna lie it was hard work getting up that waterfall"

05/09/20 13:06:04

" You gonna tell her she's not allowed on the sofa"

Sat 12:19:02

"Can't believe the girls started the beach volleyball without me"

27/05/20 8:00:18

lol

This is your captain speaking, just a bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about

28/02/20 20:12:10

7,8,9,10 ... Coming ready or not

18/08/20 12:10:48

lol

" It's me, open the door"

06/08/20 8:49:41

lol

" We're behind schedule, you'll have to carry on working through your lunch"

18/07/20 11:14:45

Gutter press

03/03/20 8:05:26

clever

Whoever did this deserves a

S
L
A
P

05/02/20 21:48:30

Eating chocolate coins with the wrappers still on hurts a bit, but your poo looks fantastic.

22/01/20 20:33:52

The tree surgeons aftercare service was a nice touch

14/07/20 12:19:24

My fault, I did asked for a short back and sides

22/04/20 7:15:11

Mr Kipling reveals how he copes with his mental health issues during lockdown

20/04/20 9:35:21

"What's the plan if this all kicks off Sarge"

"Taser the kid"

12/01/21 9:46:59

"I didn't join the police to stand here, I joined to book motorists doing 31 in a 30 zone"

29/08/20 19:46:41

It was a bit of a struggle but we finally got the sofa in through the doorway

18/08/20 9:06:37

" Bloody seagulls, move your boat out of the way"

15/08/20 11:26:40

Wow that was one extreme game of paintballing

30/07/20 8:35:51

I'm not signing up for the office carpooling scheme again

20/04/20 19:57:37

lol

Not saying everyone's getting bored by the lockdown but the dog's just washed the dishes again.

14/04/20 15:47:33

lol

For those of you watching on a black and white tv the red thingy is eating the blue and yellow sunglasses wearing thingy

01/04/20 20:30:27

Who are all these people spending all day on the shitter eating pasta?

22/03/20 15:02:26

4 years on telesales and I've sold something

28/02/20 20:08:51

Jerry was over excited for his first sleep over

10/02/20 23:37:06

I just can't get this tune out of my head.

28/01/20 8:08:01

🎵 If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my deers 🎵

14/01/20 21:12:01

creative

"Don't forget the winner of this bout meets the winner of the Blueberry verses Woodlice fight, which is also live on Channel 5

13/08/20 1:21:13

"What's happened to your hand Dave"?

"See that dog sitting perfectly still, I thought he was one of those charity boxes and tried to post 50p into his head"

30/07/20 19:33:19

"Ha ha, I've got two left feet"

"Ha ha, that's nothing I'm an escaped mental patient"

26/05/20 16:06:34

I'm not liking the look on that chicken now it's defrosted

17/03/20 17:57:45

I just can't see any demand for knitted skeletons, so for that reason I'm out.

11/01/20 9:28:38

Social services were called immediately after the mother and son dance had finished

22/10/20 7:49:45

FOR SALE BMW, one couldn't careless owner

05/08/20 7:51:12

"Well I'm fucked if I know" said David Attenborough

04/06/20 22:34:47

Just do f**k all till that wildlife film crew p**s off

08/02/20 21:40:56

"He died doing what he loved"

15/08/20 8:21:26

Meanwhile on Britain's beaches

14/07/20 0:25:27

Shit I forgot i told him to "stay" hours ago

30/06/20 8:48:45

Officer Malone, a 20 year police veteran said it was the worst thing he'd ever witnessed in that fridge .... 4 Pineapple low fat yogurts

29/06/20 19:44:20

Nobody knew why Alison was naked as her job was just to move scenery inbetween acts

25/06/20 19:44:24

Don't worry they've been given guide dogs

04/06/20 7:59:18

Elton John's taking these hair transplants too far now

25/05/20 21:03:00

" This is amazing, I can't believe the atmosphere here and we're not too far from the front now"

"Yeah but do we really need anything from B&Q "

05/05/20 8:58:37

What virus? We're wearing Stella McCartney's spring catwalk collection

15/03/20 8:31:40

Lift out of order again so I'm gonna sleep in the car.

20/01/20 12:06:04

It started off as a wart on my finger

06/01/21 22:17:23

When I was a lad this was all fields

05/01/21 16:48:37

"I'll let go of your ear hair when you let go of my armpit hair'

19/08/20 13:54:25

"Hello, can you hear me? There's good news and bad news, the good news is the fire's out"

18/08/20 20:02:53

Mask of Tutankhamun bought off eBay could be a forgery say council

15/08/20 20:20:38

" Come on boys let's can-can like our lives depended on it"

10/08/20 12:32:30

"I'm not playing golf again at this Doctor Dolittle Golf and country club. Crocodiles on the fairway, rattle snakes in the bunkers and someone said there's a tiger in the woods"

05/08/20 19:27:07

"Mum, please can we just wait till the barber's reopen"

21/07/20 7:13:08

Since he played a dire wolf in Game of Thrones he's become a right diva

20/07/20 8:40:28

Cunning worms confuse early birds with testing questions

13/07/20 17:46:19

Kids going back to school... slowly

17/06/20 23:07:46

Bonio, Bonio, wherefore art thou Bonio?

17/06/20 15:59:25

lol

🎵The wheels on the Bush go round and round🎵

15/06/20 20:26:06

So i have 9 lives and you have 1 life and thats why you better not piss me off, do I make myself clear

09/06/20 8:27:39

Hi I've been laid off by British airways so I'd like to volunteer to be a ventilator.

29/03/20 17:41:53

Dont stare at the hand, don't stare at the hand, change the subject ... i won a teddy on one of those grab machines last week

25/03/20 19:22:10

lol

Enjoy my laxative laced cone Mr Gull and to all you laughing back there get ready to run!!

12/03/20 9:05:08

lol

Not funny, Funny Bean, hurry and take the bloody photo, my wings are killing me.

31/01/20 8:55:24

I buy Vaseline and cucumbers together so the cashier doesn't think I'm some sort of weirdo, like a vegan!

28/01/20 9:02:01

No,I don't think it's been a weird 1st date just too tired to come in for a coffee, so if you'd just untie me I'll be on my way

10/12/19 13:33:52

lol

Sharks, the main reason there are so many unfinished symphonies

22/10/20 17:59:49

"Okay, so i can tell you've done something wrong, I just haven't found it yet"

21/08/20 14:16:23

"I'm sorry Mr Watts but you've failed your driving test"

30/07/20 8:30:51

Curiosity killed the cat, despite the rabbits CPR attempts

26/07/20 15:23:18

"It's just I wish my Dad's last dying words weren't I'll come back and haunt you if you marry him"

23/07/20 11:25:47

" Sorry again for shouting out Sindy's name in the throws of passion"

21/07/20 20:31:48

I found the Chelsea Flower show particularly disappointing this year

14/07/20 11:43:43

Dave, are you ashamed that I'm your girlfriend?

04/07/20 19:15:50

clever

Dave and Sue were an exact match on the dating site. Dave liked long walks and Sue was a lazy cow

28/06/20 11:13:03

What's not to like... cooks,cracking body and can still get you a beer if you've mislaid the bottle opener

22/06/20 15:47:16

Argos back open again i see

12/06/20 19:01:26

Sitting
Sitting,waiting
Sitting,waiting,patiently
Sitting,waiting,patiently,planning

The total annihilation of the 1st poor unfortunate car to enter the monkey enclosure when the safari park eventually opens again

11/06/20 17:27:26

This game needs spicing up... send on the woodworm

23/05/20 11:35:14

Dave had a fear of water but never let it stop him living life to the full

13/05/20 8:19:54

🎵Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Very, very frightening me.
(Galileo) Galileo.
(Galileo) Galileo,
Galileo Figaro
Magnifico-o-o-o-o.🎵

15/04/20 21:18:05

clever

Oh so it was a phone in your pocket and you weren't pleased to see me

19/02/20 19:44:16

Nope, still can't find it..

05/02/20 8:44:54

I've been on the cabbage diet for 2 weeks and haven't had any noticeable side effects

06/01/20 21:41:18

Before ordering your sex dolls from ETSY, check the measurements

08/12/20 9:17:22

No officer, I've not seen anything unusual...

28/11/20 10:45:42

RSPB.. move away from the ledge

02/09/20 19:22:10

Balloons, just like your virginity ladies, one prick and it's gone

22/08/20 19:54:30

Mum, Dad's cheating at musical chairs again

21/08/20 7:11:29

"Pass me the ball"
"What ball?"

19/08/20 8:33:04

With Road Runner never falling for his traps Wile E. Coyote tries his luck with wallabies

14/08/20 17:47:32

"Okay so we've hired the boat anyone remember the next step of fishing?"

11/08/20 19:30:57

" Stop beeping me, I didn't know the lights were green I'm bloody colour blind"

08/08/20 21:25:52

lol

Pringles, once you pop you just can't stop

02/08/20 22:48:05

10 minutes later and we were thrown out of Ikea

27/07/20 23:41:06

I can definitely see Jesus face on one of them, and Michael Jackson on at least 4 throughout the different stages of his career

21/07/20 12:48:41

There's always that one man who's not impressed by anything

10/07/20 18:55:59

"Wow, you lost 3 teeth during lockdown. You must be rich with the tooth fairy money"

" You'd think but my Dad said the tooth fairy didn't make it through the pandemic"

09/07/20 8:46:28

It's nice here, but it's hard to beat last year's holiday, it was a Fab

09/07/20 8:37:51

Mum, Dad bet you can't see me now as I'm camelflaged

27/06/20 22:54:29

"Yeah just post the photo and then get me down"

09/06/20 19:46:44

How's she got the nice shoes whem i'm the one doing all the walking?

11/04/20 8:40:02

Beginners tight rope classes were proving difficult for some

09/04/20 14:22:47

" Well I'm not apologising either "

08/02/20 20:43:12

Can't wait till I hit puberty age so my balls drop. They look ridiculous on my face.

04/02/20 8:29:05

WWW.CRAPBADGES.COM

30/01/20 20:17:47

Origami's not for everyone

28/01/20 22:23:59

New red light district rules degrading say workers.

12/01/20 11:27:55

Wow Dale Winton was right, once you go orange faced nobody notices you playing with your penis

09/12/19 9:52:56

"Cheeky, yes I am a homing pigeon, why ask?"

"No reason. Blackpool's changed hasn't it"

Sun 12:04:31

Tina tried everything to hide her birth mark

28/12/20 20:57:41

This grass is a real pain in the arse said Barbie

08/12/20 9:18:48

" Quick, phone the police that weirdos in the bushes again"

05/12/20 14:05:53

I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but if you promise not to chew the headrests...

28/11/20 10:42:13

Fido Castro

15/11/20 12:11:30

" Me and the lads have had a chat and we're all in agreement that we prefer Tesco's baked products"

22/08/20 17:11:49

"Grandma what big teeth you have"

"Red, what bad eyesight you have"

20/08/20 9:43:04

That moment of relief when it's finally the kids bedtime

18/08/20 9:57:32

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

16/08/20 11:03:40

" That's my third guide dog that's drowned this month.... damn you Venice"

15/08/20 11:18:21

"Come on don't be a baby,it didn't hurt"

"No,it was just a surprise as I'm your drinks waitress"

10/08/20 21:16:53

"ghffuh mmnet"

"Perhaps we should interview him after the competition boss"

06/08/20 19:10:56

" By time he'd worked out how to undo it someone had nicked his bike"

29/07/20 8:21:23

Jesus, how dare you rise from the dead on Easter. Everyone knows it's rabbits and chocolate eggs day

25/06/20 19:47:25

You might want to keep hold of me tight as I wasn't finished pooing when you called me for yet another cute social media video

29/05/20 8:54:22

"You sure dancing like this works with the ladies"

" Yeah I seen it on the Inbetweeners movie"

26/05/20 15:01:40

Well I was 2 metres away until I got all aroused

25/05/20 15:04:45

I can't use chopsticks either ladies

23/05/20 11:30:38

Had an accident that wasn't your fault?

19/05/20 19:05:17

See it works, nobody's looking at that spot on my cheek anymore

16/05/20 10:50:03

Beauty spots use new tactics to keep people away during lockdown

18/04/20 9:20:45

Those socks with shorts, noooooo

17/04/20 20:23:04

I'm not complaining as the sex is amazing but he needs help with his morning breath

09/04/20 20:38:08

Feline version of David Attenborough not impressed with the human mating ritual

22/03/20 21:50:28

Please God put the Premier league football back on soon

15/03/20 22:22:50

These beer goggles are broken

04/03/20 18:38:02

Yes I'll help you look for your wank sock

27/02/20 13:16:06

Gulliver something or other... just hit the vote button!!

26/02/20 20:55:56

" Mum I'm 32 you don't have to baby me.. shit I've forgotten to get dressed".

10/02/20 23:19:06

"You sure it's a greyhound Dave"?
"Yeah why"?
"cos he's eaten dogs 3 and 5.

05/02/20 15:37:47

When I said Whoa! hold your horses that's not what I meant Dave.

01/02/20 13:30:35

Street Boys Bringing in Politicians
Must Pay For Room In Advance.
(Politicians can claim back on expenses)

29/01/20 22:41:27

How hard are people throwing coins into this wishing well.

22/01/20 20:23:00

Release the bulls.

22/01/20 8:49:56

The ace of shades

04/01/20 14:41:25

Im not moving until you do that loaves and fishes thing mate

24/12/19 20:20:07

Quentin Tarantino tries to jump on the Marvel films success by targeting a younger audience for reservoir dogs II

10/12/19 9:35:51

Wow, I can't remember the office looking this bad before the lockdown

10/01/21 11:32:42

"Just pretend to be tired like this and he'll take us back home"

03/01/21 23:35:35

"Honestly I thought you were damn ugly, but swiped the wrong way. So why did you pick me Sarah?"

01/01/21 20:18:53

Take those armbands off, its about time you learned to swim

14/12/20 20:27:15

'Okay, for the next part of your test, in your own time I'd like you to perform a three point turn"

13/12/20 1:14:21

"I know everyone should have a hobby but it's gone too far now, I'm confiscating your sewing machine"

20/10/20 8:36:40

"Stop trying to head the ball, that's the 5th ball you've burst with those pointy ears"

03/09/20 7:37:56

"Did you find the TV remote afterwards"

18/08/20 8:56:54

"Well, if it's not my arch-nemesis"

14/08/20 17:45:02

"I know this place like the back of my hand.. wow that's changed"

"Wrong side Sergeant"

11/08/20 15:51:19

"Mum,Mum here I am. The one in the red with the hat"

10/08/20 9:47:27

"The Queen will be disappointed she missed you"

08/08/20 8:15:48

Chemistree

06/08/20 23:25:31

The bride wanted a horse and cart but the groom insisted on a more modern wedding

30/07/20 11:26:45

Stop... Santa... Stop, I'll be good next year..honestly

23/07/20 19:34:55

" So I've had a great night, you fancy coming in for a coffee"?

"No"

23/07/20 7:01:52

"Sorry about your eye Ken"

"It's fine Barbie, I should have realised your arm could pop off during rough sex"

21/07/20 19:35:43

"I think we should copy penguins and mate for life"

"Sorry to disappoint but I can go for about 10 seconds max"

19/07/20 10:43:52

"They only had flavoured water, but what harm can it do"

05/07/20 8:07:20

"Get your lead, you've pulled"

03/07/20 13:13:32

Elvis has left the building

27/06/20 12:26:40

My wife has the same crush hazard sticker on her arse just incase she rolls over in bed at night

26/06/20 19:17:22

Unfortunately I've never watched any of the Kill Bill films so cannot submit a caption!

18/06/20 19:27:16

Ahh, I missed Eurovision this year

13/06/20 19:57:24

"I tried to tell you I was afraid of the dark"

10/06/20 18:31:32

Susan was just putting the finishing touches to Dave's testicles,that nudists camp fancy dress 1st prize was gonna be hers she thought

09/06/20 8:18:39

Open Sesame

30/05/20 11:13:41

"Hello yes I'd like to report a fault with my phone, it sounds like two random guys are talking over my shoulder in my ear all the time"

08/05/20 8:06:01

Andy was confused on how the stripper was going to jump out of that cake

20/04/20 9:40:26

Who was at the door?

It was that Greta girl begging for any spare plastic as she has none

16/04/20 7:55:20

Self isolate doesn't improve your man's DIY skills. If he was shit before he's probably still shit now.

30/03/20 21:54:34

How to get in touch with your inner self

27/03/20 9:57:54

The Von Trapp family, when will they realise nobody gives a shit

18/03/20 0:09:16

And this is exactly why ETSY is shit

12/03/20 21:12:08

She's so full of herself

07/03/20 15:03:50

Where about on the face did you get stung?

05/03/20 0:09:35

Can't believe he paid thirty quid ... I didn't see that coming!!

29/02/20 21:56:49

The jury were shown the last footage before that fateful high five

24/02/20 13:49:57

This new hair and beard trimmer is genius

16/02/20 20:13:05

"Not happy someone's stolen my chair, i'm not taking this sitting down".

16/02/20 13:14:00

Drunken friend + Permanent Marker = Good times

12/02/20 20:39:05

Nobody really likes vestibules, as a child my Mum had to mash them up for me to eat.

08/02/20 8:34:53

"Hands up cos this is a braid"

03/02/20 9:01:15

aaaah!! it's a spider.

01/02/20 18:36:40

Last time I pick up a parcel for you from the depot cos you were not home love.

31/01/20 20:43:01

You've had a stroke? My own fault for wearing these shorts I suppose.

30/01/20 12:44:37

I arm Groot.

13/01/20 20:12:22

"Are we too late for the vaccine?"

Fri 22:49:38

9.30 am... lockdown number 3 ... today's started off well

Wed 20:03:38