lol x4 clever x3

Due to social distancing the pool only has water in lanes 1,3,5 and 7. So if the swimmer representing Ireland in the 200m backstroke could move to the next lane across please

19/07/20 12:36:41

lol x2 creative x2

All these animals on Noahs Ark and I'm the only one who feels seasick

12/02/20 20:11:57

lol clever

Was a bugger to wrap so I'm never buying anyone a hovercraft for Christmas again

29/12/21 20:20:13

lol x3

Excellent, I give this product 5 star rating - Susan from Bristol

Q... Has your bottom got softer,looks or feels better due to the Enriched Vitamin E - Dave from London

A... What a great question Dave, I honestly think it has - Susan from Bristol

Q... Got any photo's? - Dave from London

A... *uck off you pervert - Susan from Bristol

20/03/21 9:41:32

Hello Autoglass, I've got a chip in my windscreen

24/05/21 12:07:00

creative

Just leave it

No, I'm getting that pound coin out of that supermarket trolley

09/04/21 13:27:51

"And 8 months later the Grand Designs team are back to see how the project is progressing"

19/03/22 12:27:52

lol x2

"I can't wait till the beauty salons open again"

"You and me both honey"

18/06/20 13:14:10

Toast... testing smoke alarms since 1961

21/07/20 13:54:05

lol

I don't fancy their chances of making it across the English Channel in that.

12/06/21 8:25:59

That's him Dad, he's the frog that threatened me

30/04/21 12:07:57

lol

Tina had just been run over by a car, but just when she thought her day couldn't get any worse..

12/04/21 8:12:07

lol x2

"Not gonna lie it was hard work getting up that waterfall"

05/09/20 14:06:04

lol

Tony was later banned from these urinals

12/09/21 12:02:33

"Shit, I've dislocated my shoulder"

10/09/21 13:04:40

Shutter Island

07/07/21 12:14:31

" You gonna tell her she's not allowed on the sofa"

16/01/21 12:19:02

"Can't believe the girls started the beach volleyball without me"

27/05/20 9:00:18

lol

This is your captain speaking, just a bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about

28/02/20 20:12:10

"Excuse me, could your child stop blowing those dandelions now"

11/11/21 8:29:24

lol

"Come on big boy I want you now!"

"Having a bit of trouble swallowing the Viagra pill"

20/08/21 20:03:37

7,8,9,10 ... Coming ready or not

18/08/20 13:10:48

lol

" It's me, open the door"

06/08/20 9:49:41

lol

" We're behind schedule, you'll have to carry on working through your lunch"

18/07/20 12:14:45

Gutter press

03/03/20 8:05:26

clever

Whoever did this deserves a

S
L
A
P

05/02/20 21:48:30

Eating chocolate coins with the wrappers still on hurts a bit, but your poo looks fantastic.

22/01/20 20:33:52

"Only the one life then... unlucky"

06/03/22 20:50:26

"Just saying I'm a miner, Dad's miner, Grandad twas miner, our sisters a miner and then there's you.. a geography teacher"

19/02/22 15:39:45

"I'm really considering going back to being a man again"

"But why?"

"I'd be on £2 more an hour"

03/02/22 21:54:21

I'm sure we've been past that building 4 times now, thought Ann

01/11/21 8:20:46

creative

A skunkoodle, so that's a cross between a poodle and a .... argh my eyes!

03/08/21 20:50:48

"I wanted to win the goldfish"

20/07/21 8:16:21

lol

Mum, what's a tit wank?

10/05/21 21:26:04

The tree surgeons aftercare service was a nice touch

14/07/20 13:19:24

My fault, I did asked for a short back and sides

22/04/20 8:15:11

Mr Kipling reveals how he copes with his mental health issues during lockdown

20/04/20 10:35:21

lol

Finally photographic proof that Man Flu is worse than giving birth

15/11/21 14:16:48

Is it just me or are these Pot Noodle sauce sachets getting harder to open?

29/09/21 8:06:57

clever

"Pity the visibility is bad, probably didn't miss anything anyway"

21/09/21 15:24:53

He died of a brain tuba

24/03/21 20:25:45

lol

Oh shit perhaps I am left handed after all

08/03/21 16:20:34

"What's the plan if this all kicks off Sarge"

"Taser the kid"

12/01/21 9:46:59

"I didn't join the police to stand here, I joined to book motorists doing 31 in a 30 zone"

29/08/20 20:46:41

It was a bit of a struggle but we finally got the sofa in through the doorway

18/08/20 10:06:37

" Bloody seagulls, move your boat out of the way"

15/08/20 12:26:40

Wow that was one extreme game of paintballing

30/07/20 9:35:51

I'm not signing up for the office carpooling scheme again

20/04/20 20:57:37

lol

Not saying everyone's getting bored by the lockdown but the dog's just washed the dishes again.

14/04/20 16:47:33

lol

For those of you watching on a black and white tv the red thingy is eating the blue and yellow sunglasses wearing thingy

01/04/20 21:30:27

Who are all these people spending all day on the shitter eating pasta?

22/03/20 15:02:26

4 years on telesales and I've sold something

28/02/20 20:08:51

Jerry was over excited for his first sleep over

10/02/20 23:37:06

I just can't get this tune out of my head.

28/01/20 8:08:01

🎵 If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my deers 🎵

14/01/20 21:12:01

In the 1980s this episode of Dr Who would have had us hiding behind the sofa

25/12/21 22:29:31

So the Guinness book record is 2753,currently you're on 51 Dave

20/12/21 21:15:39

"It's your own fault, how many times have I warned you about rolling round in Fox poo, Dave"

18/11/21 9:30:47

"Play it cool, when the officer asks for your licence say your human ate it"

31/07/21 9:45:26

"For the last bloody time there is no plane"

26/06/21 20:36:08

lol

I'm so sorry Laura, I was really nervous for our first date and my hands were a bit sweaty

01/05/21 21:05:16

"I don't no how they managed to flush him down the toilet"

01/04/21 12:11:05

" Just can't keep it in your trousers can you... can't believe we're now banned from the donut stand"

12/02/21 22:25:03

creative

"Don't forget the winner of this bout meets the winner of the Blueberry verses Woodlice fight, which is also live on Channel 5

13/08/20 2:21:13

"What's happened to your hand Dave"?

"See that dog sitting perfectly still, I thought he was one of those charity boxes and tried to post 50p into his head"

30/07/20 20:33:19

"Ha ha, I've got two left feet"

"Ha ha, that's nothing I'm an escaped mental patient"

26/05/20 17:06:34

I'm not liking the look on that chicken now it's defrosted

17/03/20 17:57:45

I just can't see any demand for knitted skeletons, so for that reason I'm out.

11/01/20 9:28:38

"Took me two hours to get down that mountain and then you only lasted 30 seconds!"

30/01/22 14:20:40

There goes my Lego collection

02/01/22 13:19:24

"Look kid a word of advice, never ever turn your back on Snowy"

07/11/21 13:55:28

These vending machines are getting ridiculous, I only wanted a coffee

06/07/21 20:17:36

I got it at a car boot sale

30/05/21 11:26:48

lol

"Unfortunately Ms Stag you've not passed your driving test on this occasion"

05/04/21 22:10:35

Social services were called immediately after the mother and son dance had finished

22/10/20 8:49:45

FOR SALE BMW, one couldn't careless owner

05/08/20 8:51:12

"Well I'm fucked if I know" said David Attenborough

04/06/20 23:34:47

Just do f**k all till that wildlife film crew p**s off

08/02/20 21:40:56

That's the 3rd knitted car she's owned, I'm starting to think there's a pattern

09/03/22 19:04:03

Unbelievable, she's spilt all gravy over her tit now, I can't take her anywhere

19/12/21 13:06:07

"Where did you find this getaway driver again?"

08/09/21 13:11:30

India has a bobsleigh team

12/06/21 8:42:33

"About time you two woke up, have I got to do everything for myself?"

14/03/21 9:05:28

creative

Little did they know they'd be the 2 favourite rubber face masks used by bank robbers

19/01/21 22:19:46

"He died doing what he loved"

15/08/20 9:21:26

Meanwhile on Britain's beaches

14/07/20 1:25:27

Shit I forgot i told him to "stay" hours ago

30/06/20 9:48:45

Officer Malone, a 20 year police veteran said it was the worst thing he'd ever witnessed in that fridge .... 4 Pineapple low fat yogurts

29/06/20 20:44:20

Nobody knew why Alison was naked as her job was just to move scenery inbetween acts

25/06/20 20:44:24

Don't worry they've been given guide dogs

04/06/20 8:59:18

Elton John's taking these hair transplants too far now

25/05/20 22:03:00

" This is amazing, I can't believe the atmosphere here and we're not too far from the front now"

"Yeah but do we really need anything from B&Q "

05/05/20 9:58:37

What virus? We're wearing Stella McCartney's spring catwalk collection

15/03/20 8:31:40

Lift out of order again so I'm gonna sleep in the car.

20/01/20 12:06:04

Now the bells had fallen off Dave's jester costume he looked ridiculous

09/03/22 20:42:04

"There you go love I've found you some hobbies to do while I'm on Caption.me"

16/01/22 12:35:55

"And this is precisely why it takes more than two cats to change a light bulb"

14/09/21 20:51:26

"Wasn't listening and agreed her bum did look big in it. What about you?"

"She hasn't told me why yet. Less men here than last Sunday tho"

22/08/21 12:53:37

"Told you I'd get you back for burying me in the sand"

11/08/21 10:08:19