lol x4

"This is most embarrassing, but could you help? Somehow I've caught my penis in the fence."

18/07/21 12:55:41

lol x3

"Yes, I agree, Dave did do a pretty good job of renovating the litter box ... Now if you don't mind, I'm trying to have a shit."

10/01/24 8:33:06

lol

"Dave, you say? Carrying a blue pack, you say? Nope, I haven't seen him."

11/07/24 12:11:14

lol x2 creative

"Luke, I am your farmer."

23/03/19 8:46:34

lol x2 creative clever x2

Wash his hands hopefully.

22/01/19 8:22:17

lol x3

*Ding*
"Whiskas!"
"No, I'm sorry, Tibbles, the correct answer was Pope Benedict the sixteenth."

13/01/23 12:10:08, edited: 13/01/23 12:31:58

lol x2

"Bloody typical," muttered Dave. "I just paid £25 for mine."

20/01/24 12:10:18

This public gathering is just asking to get Corona.

12/05/20 8:16:32

Looks like the shit's hit the van.

16/07/23 8:23:55

lol

"Lord Vader, the Rebels are attacking. Perhaps you should change out of your pyjamas."

27/12/22 20:01:39

lol

"Come on Darth, you slaughtered the Jedi, blew up a planet, killed your mentor ... I reckon 200 hours of community service is fair."

17/03/22 8:01:22

lol x3

Dave was horrified to discover the spyhole in his neighbour's fence had been removed, along with the fence.

09/03/21 12:35:25

lol

...followed closely by 12 disciples, a horde of Romans, and the Benny Hill theme music.

01/05/24 12:06:27, edited: 01/05/24 13:38:16, suggested edits

Mttens

13/11/23 8:01:26

lol

Marcel Marsupial

29/04/23 8:05:06

"Disaster here in the Paralympic eventing course as Wu Chan's wheelchair refuses to take that jump."

01/12/22 20:07:31

lol clever

"Gosh darn it," said Davy-Bob. "Nobody told me you could reload them."

12/12/21 12:08:44

Javelins should only be thrown outdoors.

03/02/20 12:00:41

Ideal for preventing skid marks.

24/05/24 8:01:21, edited: 24/05/24 8:15:24

lol

It's awful when you unpack the Christmas tree and suddenly realise why Mr. Tibbles went missing a year earlier.

05/02/24 8:01:50, edited: 05/02/24 8:21:59

lol

"Ok, so the sawing in half bit could have gone better, and I'm sorry the rabbit didn't make it, but anyway ... TA DAA!!"

15/10/23 20:13:01

lol

Best Captioneer a few weeks in a row and The Wolf gets all cocky.

28/09/23 20:17:44

I have a strange urge to whack her with an oversize rubber mallet.

17/11/20 9:17:11

creative clever

The cheap seats at the opera are OK. Just make sure you duck when they turn the spotlights on.

31/07/20 8:09:57

Tr

18/07/24 8:06:40, edited: 18/07/24 8:24:18

Skippy Dipping

21/03/24 12:00:40

clever

Some people shouldn't be allowed to raise children.

16/09/22 12:00:35

"Perfect, my last batch was a little on the dark side."

29/03/22 20:28:20

lol x2

"I'm sorry luv, but Noah said I'm only allowed to bring one, and Nancy's got better tits."

06/04/21 12:26:41

Harold always believed the son shone out of his arse.

27/08/20 8:00:40

clever

If dodos had been better jugglers they wouldn't be extinct.

08/02/20 12:00:17

lol

All Day Breakfast

21/05/19 12:00:27

lol creative

It was a beautiful wedding, but the honeymoon in France didn't end well.

01/03/19 20:13:39

The Four Riders of the Alpacalypse

14/01/24 8:17:49

"The good news, Mr. Smith, is that the birth went fine. The bad news is that your wife may need a few stitches."

17/08/23 20:05:32, edited: 17/08/23 20:06:03

creative

"Hang on, mum, we haven't tied the string round Billy's bad tooth yet."

18/12/22 20:43:09

lol

...and who can forget Dave's final words:

"Jeez mate, for a big fella you've got a tiny penis."

27/04/21 20:40:05

lol clever

Kiwi fruit

27/11/20 8:36:38

Nobody makes better balloon animals than Dave.

29/09/20 20:15:41

Giving up smoking, diary entry day 23: Either I'm starting to hallucinate or my wife is a bitch.

03/03/19 20:47:18

"OK, get off, kid. It's your big sister's turn."

10/07/24 8:03:44

creative

"Um... just cover it back up," said Tony Robinson.

13/05/24 20:20:44

clever

Cat on a Hot Twin Oeuf

29/03/24 21:30:50, edited: 29/03/24 21:32:27

"So, my plan is to buy caption.me, rename it pun.me, fire Chris Beach, and ban cat photos. You like that, boy?"

09/03/24 8:06:15, edited: 09/03/24 8:07:26

A Fish called Honda

04/03/24 20:09:39

"It was either this or pineapple."

24/02/24 20:04:31

lol creative

Susan's soul was annoyed enough about being harvested, but spinning around a plastic tube with Mitten's hairballs and Dave's nail clippings was just too much.

16/01/24 8:16:36

Crocks

30/12/23 12:11:12

creative

"I thought after 80 years he'd have forgiven me for eating his porridge!"

29/09/23 8:05:07, edited: 29/09/23 8:12:23

"I'm sure we've met, but I'm sorry, my short term memory is terrible."

22/09/23 8:03:59

lol

"Oh my God! That bull is doing International Sign Language with his horns!"

"Really? What's he saying?"

"Moo."

16/11/22 20:01:07, edited: 16/11/22 20:01:48

lol

"So God created Adam in His own image, which, strangely, was that of a 70s pornstar."

07/05/22 13:28:08

"Quick! Straighten the sign!"

14/12/20 8:05:11

Barbie hasn't changed much in the last 60 years. Ken on the other hand ...

24/11/20 8:17:40

lol

Always buy your catnip from a trusted source.

08/09/20 14:23:56

lol

Looks like the match went to sudden death.

17/07/19 8:30:33

creative

"j.vxd tyuiojkmn njy s[l; hj jggt jhb v rstdebg"

And so, Susan decided captioning wasn't her thing.

21/04/24 22:46:59

"Ok, girls, now our husbands have gone, let's put away the Tupperware and bring out the vibrators."

22/02/24 20:01:42, edited: 23/02/24 5:26:55, suggested edits

"Excuse me, sir, can you pull over. We recently had another ostrich photo and the Cat Union is complaining."

01/02/24 20:07:16

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FLYING THAT SLEIGH YOU FAT BASTARD!!"

24/12/23 20:05:41

DDarth Vader

07/11/23 8:04:00

clever

"And here's 4,999 I prepared earlier."

11/08/23 20:20:11

lol x2

When you get drunk, try to jump over something you shouldn't, stumble, land awkwardly on an unsuspecting wombat who gets wedged up your arse so you have to waddle home and get your mum to pull it out... We've all been there.

10/08/23 20:47:41

"Are you going to take the train, Dave?"

"Nah, I think I'll catch a cab."

18/06/23 8:03:56

creative

"The worst thing about Great Floods," moaned God. "Is having to dry everything afterwards."

04/06/23 12:01:22

Knot the Nine O'Clock News

01/01/23 20:00:20

Copper feel

09/11/22 12:00:44

What the hell is Sambuchino, and why is throwing it at gnomes a good defence?

31/08/22 8:10:06

The Dunhills have Eyes

09/07/22 8:00:27

"That's OK, you're swimming in our septic tank."

19/05/22 8:02:06

Dear Mrs Parker,

While we understand your frustration, we regret to inform you that even though your neighbour was perfectly within their rights to have any garden ornaments they chose, yours exceeds the new garden ornament standards we introduced after your complaint. Please remove it immediately.

Yours sincerely,
Luton Town Council

08/10/21 8:08:37

"Sorry to intrude, but could I please have my rubber bone back?"

19/07/21 8:07:59

lol

Sadly, none of the gospels recorded Jesus's performance of YMCA.

23/04/21 12:12:14

Men be hoovering badly

22/03/21 8:04:11

US politics are insane, General Lee speaking.

24/01/21 8:06:09

"Hey guys, just wondering, if it's not too much trouble, if maybe, just maybe, I could get a bigger litter tray?"

12/04/20 8:01:39

lol

"... and then he took his shirt off and things started to get weird."

09/04/20 20:40:08

lol

No animals were harmed during the making of this picture, but some were highly pissed off.

25/03/20 8:07:25

lol

"Ok Dave, you create a diversion while I steal the mini."

09/01/20 12:14:25

"Stick out your tongue Gulliver. STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE!"

Lilliputian torturers are nasty little bastards.

05/12/19 8:04:18

lol clever

"Look at that old lady swallowing a fly. Should we avoid her?"

"Nah, looks like she's chasing a spider now. We should be fine."

02/09/19 8:57:49

"One way or another Monsieur, you will leave a tip."

05/03/19 12:24:57

"Well Sir, we don't actually need to strip search you, but we do appreciate your eagerness to cooperate."

15/02/19 20:16:18

lol

3 o'clock that night...

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINAAATTTE!!!"

"Honey, it's your turn."

30/06/24 20:21:25, edited: 30/06/24 20:24:47

"If you want a laugh, throw 3 sticks in different directions."

01/06/24 20:24:18, edited: 01/06/24 20:35:56

creative

"Hmmn ... I don't know. Maybe we should go with Andy escaping Shawshank through a sewer pipe instead?"

18/05/24 8:05:09

Pork Chopper

18/04/24 12:16:16

"One wonders if she spreads easily."

09/03/24 20:07:56

"So, concluding the council meeting regarding the funding of pothole repairs, we have 164 votes for, and 1 against."

19/02/24 20:15:33

Dave was rubbish at picking up girls.

31/12/23 20:19:41, edited: 01/01/24 8:03:59

lol creative

"Yeah, sex with him is dry, boring, and one sided, but for some reason it does keep my thrush away."

12/12/23 8:24:39

lol

"Jeez, I could murder a grandma ... I mean, a kebab."

07/12/23 8:13:13, edited: 07/12/23 8:28:15

"Oh dear, I've just thrown up that meal I had a week ago."

"Don't worry, Dave, the captions are all being regurgitated too."

12/10/23 20:17:35

"Ok, so I'll organise the church, the guest list, the reception venue, the menu, the flowers, and the photos. Dave, you can sort the transport."

13/08/23 20:31:47

lol

"Any last words, sir?"

"Yes. I'd like to thank whomever forgot the rope."

04/06/23 20:52:29, edited: 04/06/23 20:55:29

And in Dublin, the annual 'Swap you Wife for a Keg of Guinness' promotion kicks off.

04/05/23 8:01:19