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How the average family will be living in 12 months.
18/10/22 19:03:03
Nobody really talks about the Bay City Rollers' punk period anymore.
16/10/22 7:00:12
It's not looking good for Truss. All three poles clearly show labour on top.
08/10/22 11:00:32
Unexpected Item in the Undergrowth!-------------------------------------We love a crafty forage,But this gave us quite a start:They'd left some peas and porridge,So we'll be dining à la cart!...
05/10/22 11:00:22
In other news, a series of co-ordinated robberies have hit the country's fishmongers and dairy producers. The suspects have been described as "adorable".
05/10/22 8:47:07
Bride and gloom
04/10/22 19:18:13
I NEVER MET A SHIP I LIKEDI can't think of a good one liner either.
03/10/22 7:03:55
"You're gonna have to hold still if you want me to correctly administer this Heimlich maneuver, Dave."
01/10/22 7:22:35
Please take your litter home
30/09/22 22:11:21
10 seconds earlier... "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house away."
26/09/22 7:16:33
21/09/22 19:00:46, edited: 14/11/22 20:11:42
"No, you've not won yet. My king has 9 lives too."
18/09/22 12:10:42
There's 9 mellon bicycles in Beijing
17/09/22 20:43:18, edited: 17/09/22 21:09:43
You know you’re in trouble when even your therapist needs a glass of wine during your session.
16/09/22 20:01:33
"That's the last time I sit on the top deck. I missed my bloody stop!"
15/09/22 19:03:06
"Please stop that. You know how ticklish I am!"
10/09/22 19:03:13
"Are these your teeth Dave?""No, they're Phillips."
10/09/22 11:03:53
Farmer of the bride
10/09/22 7:00:09
"...so yeah, my wife left me"
08/09/22 19:53:10
Pearl harbour
08/09/22 12:03:30
Online exclusive - all garden ornaments 15% off
07/09/22 7:27:49
I want to ride my bicycleI want to ri e my bikeI wa t de y b ycleI w t o ri it w er I l ke
03/09/22 19:08:54
"Give me your basket, bitch!" demanded Little Red Riding Hoodlum.
26/08/22 7:11:50
As backdrops go, this was hard to beat.
23/08/22 19:00:13
The stairs were in need of a reFurb
22/08/22 19:14:56
"Do you have my PIN? My nappy keeps falling down."
19/08/22 7:20:35, edited: 19/08/22 8:28:57
... it became the world's number 2 bestseller
18/08/22 7:21:28
"Well, those seats are novel."
16/08/22 7:04:17, edited: 16/08/22 7:08:51
I told you not to puts the whites in with the navy.
08/08/22 7:23:10, edited: 08/08/22 7:35:30
CHAPTER ONE Have you tried turning them off and on again?
06/08/22 19:00:48
I guess I'm not the only one who finds jeans too tight around their hippos.
04/08/22 8:17:18
26/07/22 19:20:47, edited: 05/08/22 0:14:36
When it's about 80 degrees you always end up in the pool.
26/07/22 11:03:42
"Come on, you can't loaf around in bed all day!"
24/07/22 7:16:27
Olga was an expert at holding a conference.
23/07/22 11:03:12
Codzilla
22/07/22 11:08:58
During Elton John's Las Vegas residency, he never worked out why there was someone booing during Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.
10/07/22 11:48:53
Looks more like a Christler.
05/07/22 19:38:34
Dave wins least offensive MP of the week award.
03/07/22 11:08:56
No, I would NOT like the matching trousers.
02/07/22 7:47:07
"What's this - 'Rex woz 'ere 10/01/22'? Blimey, that's some strong piss."
01/07/22 7:12:37
Just some pictures from my trip
30/06/22 11:04:29
"E.T. no go home"
29/06/22 11:00:08
Cones on hard shoulder
24/06/22 7:00:17
"...and this is a 5 month pregnant woman balancing a Jacobean nursing chair on her chin."Some people take shadow puppetry too seriously.
23/06/22 19:30:52
''There's a bit of a country feel to my next song. It's 'Old MacDonald Had A Farm'.''
21/06/22 12:06:47
"At the time of the explosion the seat was up, so we know the perpetrator was a male. Sticky finger marks suggest he was right handed. And judging by the shoeprints we can tell he wears a size 9 1/2.""Very good, Watson, but you're missing one important fact.""What's that, Holmes?""This is Caption.me. The perpetrator was obviously Dave."
20/06/22 20:53:21
Turd degree burns.
20/06/22 19:00:50
As a tribute to the years of thankless service, Libyans erect a touching memorial to Colonel Gaddafi.
19/06/22 11:31:55
Haircutting: In Three Easy Steps
18/06/22 7:13:24
Auf Wiedersehen Pet
16/06/22 7:15:46
"...bad news for rug addicts."
14/06/22 8:24:33
''If I've broken the bird flu rules, I sincerely apologise. I didn't realise it was a party. I always dress like this when I'm working in the farmyard. I now want to draw a line under everything and move on. It's time to get back to the serious business of egg laying. That's what the public wants me to do and that's what I'm going to do.''
07/06/22 19:53:08
The face you pull when you realise that the light bulb is swinging back towards your nuts
06/06/22 19:33:25
🎶 Wake Up Little Suzi 🎶
24/05/22 21:20:32
Constipation can cause a change to your ring tone.
24/05/22 11:07:20
Next on BBC1, we trace the ancestors of Keith Harris and Orville in Toowit too who do you think you are?
11/05/22 19:24:02
Debbie and Ray are so pleased the warmer weather has arrived, they can finally afford to eat today.
09/05/22 11:01:30
"Oh, gosh! A maggot!"
07/05/22 11:00:10
"You're FINE, Jenny! Now get your clothes on, you're going to school!"
04/05/22 7:00:55
More Russian assets frozen.
02/05/22 11:38:28
"We honeymooned at Centaur Parks."
30/04/22 19:00:09
Unfortunately, later that day, Dave was eaten by a cow.
29/04/22 7:13:49
Weapons of Mass destruction.
19/04/22 11:00:07
“Maybe we should get a taller decorator next time?”
12/04/22 7:05:05
BREAKING: COST OF LIVING CRISIS HITS ESSEX GIRLS''It was either share a meal or cut down on cocktails.''
11/04/22 11:13:11
Dave you spoil that ferret.
10/04/22 11:23:05
Did Will Smith hit you hard?
09/04/22 5:46:13
''I knew I should have taken the train.''
05/04/22 7:24:34
"Oh my god. I can read!"
05/04/22 7:20:18
Caution: May contain mutts.
02/04/22 15:45:55
"You admiring my motor?""No, I'm mentally adding an apostrophe."
27/03/22 11:08:51
Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snowand everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to goWhich she later regretted. Especially when she qualified for the winter Olympics.
27/02/22 12:17:10
"I'm trying to eat more fibre."
27/02/22 8:01:19
The way the owner described it I thought it would be a lot bigger
22/02/22 8:17:30
"Bloody Parkinson's, there goes another one!"
21/02/22 20:21:00
''Sadly, I was too late baking the cake. There was already a bun in the oven.''
20/02/22 8:28:02
"Dad, I can't breathe!""Son, shuffle back and give your sister some room."
18/02/22 8:50:49
''If you've paid, why aren't you wearing a wristband?''
17/02/22 20:17:16
"That's 3 days you have been there now lads , I really don't think those girls are coming back from the toilet."
09/02/22 8:16:09
TWO MINUTES EARLIER:''I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I never get a balloon. Please let me have a balloon.''TWO MINUTES LATER:''Can somebody carry it?''
08/02/22 8:17:45
"I've just had a shit in the woods.""Nice one. But couldn't you have wiped your bum, Linda?"
02/02/22 8:47:21
"Mittens, honey, I've got good news and bad. The good news is I have that pesky mouse cornered..."
01/02/22 20:10:14
''She can be a right little primer donna.''
30/01/22 8:17:31
It's only a matter of time before someone takes her down the aisle.
29/01/22 20:50:07
It was tough being Linda McCartney's cat
27/01/22 8:20:13
Cold Play.
26/01/22 20:07:33
"F-cking charming. Spend all morning up her fanny and now this..."
24/01/22 12:02:12
I don't know why Fluffy chose that Christopher Walken rucksack, it's much too big for him.
21/01/22 12:24:15
It's not nice seeing a Transformer when it's pissed.
21/01/22 8:16:12
It was an unfortunate way to find out her mother had a prosthetic arm.
18/01/22 20:39:06
16/01/22 16:24:15
"I hear their customer service really sucks."
08/01/22 8:07:03
''Goo, goo, goo.''''I didn't quite catch that, Mr Trump.''
31/12/21 12:15:20
Health club members complete the easiest-ever jigsaw.
30/12/21 12:42:56
Rick decided not to complain, but instead changed his meal choices to beef casserole and sticky toffee pudding.
20/12/21 9:05:58
''Come here, Billy. You've got face on your chocolate.''
17/12/21 20:04:21
“Sis, guess what? I’ve found where Mum and Dad have been hiding our Christmas presents, they’re under their bed. Meet my new best friend. I also found a purple wand and some marbles on a string.”
09/12/21 12:00:37
Terence turned to the paper as there was nothing interesting on the web.
07/12/21 8:00:10
"Who's on the till tonight?""Stew."
06/12/21 20:01:37
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