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''You bastard!''24 HOURS EARLIER''I know you hate walking, Mary, but when you get to the top there's a cafe where they do fantastic afternoon teas.''
05/03/24 12:09:51, edited: 05/03/24 12:25:27
“Let me atom.”
02/03/24 12:10:17
The wheels on the bus go hound and hound
01/03/24 12:17:56
The Hound of the Buskervilles
01/03/24 12:03:05
Fur tree
29/02/24 12:00:14
Perfect for taking a photoe.
29/02/24 8:12:13
''Don't worry, Goldilocks, you can sleep in my bed.''
28/02/24 12:02:00
Can everyone please evacuate the pool while someone clears the floater.
24/02/24 8:06:24
Take all your feelings and dreams and lock them in these airtight containers.
22/02/24 20:01:40
I'd prefer a mouse, hate these touch screens.
22/02/24 9:34:19, suggested edits
“Sacré Blur!”
21/02/24 12:02:40
Careless Whisker
16/02/24 12:04:46
The Stilton Hotel
15/02/24 12:31:49
Also available as a podcast.
14/02/24 20:11:51
"They think it's all over - it is."
14/02/24 12:05:58
In case of emergency break glass.
12/02/24 20:02:42
''Did I pass?''
11/02/24 20:19:02
School run
11/02/24 12:03:51
🎵 Sweat Caroline 🎵
11/02/24 8:02:37
It's a fair crop
10/02/24 20:09:10
"What's wrong with this pitcher?"
08/02/24 11:36:26, edited: 08/02/24 11:36:35
Soilmates
05/02/24 20:14:47
A ROM with a View
04/02/24 12:00:59, edited: 04/02/24 12:02:05
Fiddler on the roof
03/02/24 20:44:02
Part of Asda's Rollback range
02/02/24 22:00:38
"I like your Christmas tree.""Don't patronise me, Mister. I just wanna finish the handjob and get out of your car."
01/02/24 12:22:17
Nice of your mum to lend him her jeans.
01/02/24 8:30:21
The new super colostomy bag suit allows up to three months between emptying.
31/01/24 20:32:06
John, Paul, George, and Wingo
30/01/24 12:07:43
Go well with Dock Martens
28/01/24 20:37:28
''Watch out, mate. Michael Parkinson is gaining on you.''
28/01/24 8:15:29
''Is Mary enjoying herself?''''She's having a bawl.''
25/01/24 12:33:01, edited: 25/01/24 12:38:21
Bounty Hunter
25/01/24 8:00:20
"I'm gonna need a hand with this"
23/01/24 20:03:53
Pepsi is fine though.
22/01/24 12:06:57
Beans always give me the craps.
19/01/24 12:01:01
There once lived a gardener from Leeds…Who swallowed a packet of seedsIt was more fertile grassWhen it came out his arseIt also choked most of the weeds
13/01/24 8:04:08, edited: 13/01/24 16:51:18, suggested edits
"Oh stop moaning", said Mr Broccoli, "You should see the way they're cutting my afro"
12/01/24 12:15:13
When she walks, it's like poultry in motion
12/01/24 8:25:14
“I’ve been messaging a chick in Kiev, she’s sending over some photos later.”
12/01/24 8:14:53
"It's ridiculous, you wait all day for one sleigh and then three come along all at once."
11/01/24 8:09:30
He calls himself Peter Parkour
08/01/24 12:02:53
The heir on a g-string.
04/01/24 8:01:55
Dolephins
03/01/24 20:00:59
"I've always had fizzy hair."
31/12/23 12:04:59
Amelie's costume was soda-lightful
31/12/23 12:02:49
Cokehead
31/12/23 12:00:13, edited: 31/12/23 12:01:03
The Strolling Stones
30/12/23 12:05:31, edited: 30/12/23 12:15:12
Careless Vespa
28/12/23 8:02:01, edited: 28/12/23 14:34:41, suggested edits
Don’t they make a lovely pair?
27/12/23 20:23:40
Go to work on an egg.
26/12/23 20:01:31
When it comes to choosing the right partner the stakes are high.
20/12/23 8:21:33
Our next door neighbours always spruce themselves up for Christmas.
18/12/23 8:04:53
The heads and shoulders were fine but the knees and toes was pushing it somewhat.
16/12/23 13:25:10
Nan's People
16/12/23 12:10:57
"At last, at last! I have my very own dead alpaca!"
15/12/23 8:00:40
"Goldilocks stole my bed, my porridge, my chair and now... my virginity."
13/12/23 20:06:35
Jake was shit at his job as he actually attracted birds
12/12/23 8:15:15
Uncle Ben is feeling under the weather again
11/12/23 12:42:44
"I've told you a thousand times, Pinocchio, keep back from the fire."
07/12/23 20:08:12
Grandmother, what big beers you have
07/12/23 8:01:32
Benson and Hedges deny pitching new ad campaign at underage smokers.
06/12/23 12:13:49
"We go to picnic. It big suprise."
06/12/23 8:13:06, edited: 06/12/23 8:13:38
Dragging Queens
05/12/23 8:05:36
Dave and Tina had been in a stable relationship for some time.
04/12/23 8:07:41
"He must be rolling in it."
03/12/23 9:07:16
"Looks fantastic, Trev. What's it like inside?""Offal."
30/11/23 21:38:57
Gran Turisimo
27/11/23 12:19:13, edited: 27/11/23 12:19:43
“Oh my god the credits Dan look, you made it!”Wookiee Pube Groomer Daniel Davies
27/11/23 8:06:26
Trainpotting
26/11/23 8:26:30
This man is so fast even his shadow can't keep up with him.
25/11/23 8:01:46, edited: 25/11/23 12:04:21, suggested edits
You should never open a geek's sex toy drawer.
18/11/23 20:11:14, edited: 19/11/23 9:53:34, suggested edits
''We can't have apes taking over our jobs. I'm going to see the foreman about this.''''He is the foreman.''
17/11/23 20:02:00, edited: 17/11/23 20:11:04
"I would like to change my statement and say Prince Andrew did nothing inappropriate with my granddaughter."
09/11/23 12:41:52
The human releases a jet of brown as a stink defence.
04/11/23 20:09:49
Loved by cereal killers.
30/10/23 20:00:16
The drinks are on the spouse
29/10/23 8:14:36
"The farmer's eating.. hang on a minute, who's that on the table with an apple in its mouth?...PORKY!"
25/10/23 19:08:13
Terror Tubbies
24/10/23 11:00:54
Stench warfare.
21/10/23 20:22:03
One thing they never have to worry about is a fly landing on their food.
21/10/23 11:14:53, edited: 21/10/23 12:12:21
''Let's give them a big hand.''
20/10/23 19:51:39
The Jackin Five
20/10/23 19:06:31, edited: 20/10/23 19:06:45
Pasty Duchy on the left hand side.
20/10/23 5:38:11
It made a nice change for Dave to be attracting the birds.
19/10/23 11:00:53
Finding Neighmo.
18/10/23 11:04:01
"I made this pizza from scratch."
17/10/23 11:06:31
He's a crack shot.
14/10/23 11:05:13
Schoolbuoy
11/10/23 11:24:39
"How's my latest plan to kill Biden coming along?""The radioactive Werther's Originals are all but ready, Sir."
10/10/23 19:09:32
🎵 All you peed is love 🎵
10/10/23 11:13:29
Junk male
10/10/23 7:09:00
The Wicker Ma'am
09/10/23 11:01:13
Fluffy’s witch owner was never the best of broom drivers, always ending up nose first in the ground when attempting to land.
09/10/23 7:05:14
Purrpendicular
09/10/23 7:01:25
Look - no stool!
08/10/23 19:18:52
"Excuse me. We're trying to have a bloody picnic here.."
08/10/23 19:04:57
If you want wax protection you're better off with Tussauds.
07/10/23 19:03:48
''I'm not eating these. Half of them have already gone off.''
07/10/23 11:51:49
Cereal killer
07/10/23 11:02:16
suggested edits
