Dave E

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	lol creative clever “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are no longer cruising at 30,000 feet … but, on the plus side, the stewardess has opened the buffet.” 24/02/22 20:04:49	20

	I swear five minutes ago there was only one of them 17/06/22 12:25:28	2 19
There were actually four, but Mr McGregor put Flopsy in a pie. --Karyn Harrison
	You can never be sure if he's in 17/02/22 12:02:23	1 19
Try giving him a ring first. --Al Overy
	Ahh look, she’s drifted off 04/04/22 8:00:17	18

	lol x2 That awkward moment when the Wimbledon Men’s Singles trophy gets stuck in your afro. 25/02/22 12:00:50	18

	creative That was the agreement - I act out "I'm a little teapot" and you do "Humpty Dumpty" 24/02/22 12:30:11	16

	lol x2 “Look, I’m sorry! … but you DID ask, and it does look big.” 01/04/22 12:19:59	15

	Codzilla 22/07/22 12:08:58	14

	It did the trick - the next day, William Work was elected to the position of Girlfiend 04/04/22 13:09:14	13

	Those old CRT monitors were really heavy 31/05/22 8:07:42	1 12
''It ain't heavy, it's my Brother'' --Dave Bryan
	There is evidence that the US has penetrated Putin's inner circle. 15/04/22 9:27:14	12

	Silly cone implants 13/04/22 8:10:42	12

	“I find your lack of bins disturbing” 17/03/22 8:00:08	1 12

	Titty Longstocking 16/03/22 20:01:47	12

	lol Charley says "Safety first: Always wear your gloves" 28/03/22 13:55:17	11

	lol Don't you hate it when you're having a quiet meal in Frankie and Benny's and someone tells them it's their birthday? 09/02/22 12:27:46	11

	It was a great performance but his vow of silence marred the acapella section. 30/03/22 12:35:42	10

	"I think we should call it a night Dave. I need to get these two home - they're absolutely legless." 09/03/22 8:23:05	10

	It's no good. The suspension can't take it. You're going to have to get off and walk home son. 18/02/22 8:13:14	10

	"Bernard, do us a favour would you? Next time we pass that bumpy bit over there, could you lean out and pick our teeth up?" 04/03/22 12:49:13	8

	Ugh! Waiter! How old is this milk? 21/06/22 8:13:30	7

	Definitely not a great catch 02/04/22 20:35:26	7

	It’s the same every bloody year! I put them away neatly in January but it still takes me until Boxing Day to untangle them! 01/04/22 8:02:28	7

	There’s no need to panic, miss. To disarm it, you just need to snip the grey wire. 01/04/22 8:00:21	7

	"Wait! Something's happening. It's an 'M' then 'E', an 'O' and a 'W' - does that mean anything to anyone here?" 31/03/22 12:08:01	7

	The first ever Grand National Sweep confused Aintree residents 30/03/22 8:07:01	7

	Looks like the Pendle witch trials are about to get under way 30/03/22 8:06:32	7

	creative What a shame he broke up with Mrs Ramsbottom. They were made for each other! 10/03/22 8:19:54	7

	Pinch Punch, first of the month 01/03/22 20:06:41	1 7
Looks as if that lady is about to recieve the fisting of the month. --Barrie Bullock
	I'm starting to think this isn't our cat-carrier 27/02/20 19:38:56	7

	Headstand 25/01/20 12:30:19	7

	"I need some fags! One of you must have some loose change!" 16/09/22 13:33:28	6

	He isn't the first and he won't be the last to fail at the Holiday Inn toast machine. 24/05/22 7:33:21	6

	"Don't lean back on that fence Dave, some idiot's removed one of the stanchions" 06/05/22 10:52:03	6

	"Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin crew will now give a pre-flight safety demonstration. Please pay attention to the location of the emergency exits .. unlike that idiot on the last flight." 22/03/22 12:48:51	6

	I hate when he makes rude shadow puppets on mum's arm 27/02/22 20:47:58	6

	Training gets underway for the Glastonbury toilet attendants 22/07/22 14:34:34	5

	“Don’t walk on the polished floor in that skirt, sir! You might expose your inner circle.” 14/04/22 12:11:25	5

	"Well it's not bad professor but why have you made it look like a cowardly, rat-faced psychopath?" 12/04/22 22:15:07	5

	“Come on Karen, we’ll never hitch a lift like that. Flash a bit of root or something!” Nod to 12:00:06 07/04/22 12:07:58	5

	"Thank you for applying to McDonald's. Firstly, can you tell us what recent experience you have of stealing fries and crapping on people?" 03/04/22 12:39:07	5

	I guess his dad is sleeping with the fishes 02/04/22 20:37:38	5

	I’m beginning to wish I’d never bought an Australian cat 17/03/22 12:04:02	5

	"Hello, is that 777-777? Could you call an ambulance please? My finger is stuck in the telephone dial" 15/03/22 8:52:57	5

	"I knew that didn't sound right! Who's drawn a cock and balls on my music?" 14/03/22 12:18:53	5

	"So, what kind of fish are you?" "Don't tell him pike!" 08/03/22 8:10:25	5

	"It looks like you've missed a bit Laura" "Yeah, I'm waiting to see if he gets that foot pump working" 07/03/22 15:08:15	5

	Cor Blimey! Would you Adam’n’Eve it? I can’t believe my mince pies. I can see her raspberry ripple! 25/02/22 12:01:20	5

	Excuse me ladies, would you happen to know anything about the pier falling down? 23/05/20 17:30:46	5

	Be grateful you've got a root over your head! 13/12/19 13:56:49	5

	It's great but haven't you just re-invented the wheel? 15/08/22 8:58:06	4

	Be quick! It's going to start running 25/07/22 8:51:28	4

	"Damn this modern technology! My Apple's frozen again." 12/04/22 12:22:23	4

	Hey, that's the Nigerian bloke who promised me $30,000,000 for £250 postage and packing! 06/04/22 20:21:32	4

	"What do you mean 'well hung'? I haven't even started painting it yet!" 06/04/22 12:49:28	4

	At least one of them is about to go apeshit 04/04/22 20:01:48	4

	Argh! Bloody Autocorrect! 04/04/22 12:58:42	4

	"Pass me a handful of cat litter would you He-Man, this cubicle is completely out" 23/03/22 8:07:25	4

	If I had a pound for every dog I've caught... 23/03/22 6:59:20	4

	I enjoy using the sinks but I refuse to pull the knob on the soap dispenser 18/03/22 8:07:41	3 4
If you want to use it please feel free to, I won't get territorial over the soap dispenser especially when people are rubbing their hands together to get up a lather.Imagine having that as a hand sanitiser dispenser during COVID? Then... --Glyn Evans
	Inside each wrapper it says "sorry, you're a loser" ...and there isn't even a competition on. 23/02/22 12:21:02	4

	It won't balance like that. It's Boun-ty fall over. 23/02/22 12:10:03	4

	Sleeping on the jobbie 23/02/22 8:33:38	4

	Who's busted the ceiling? 22/02/22 12:43:03	4

	Emma's Do-It-Yourself Helicopter idea never really took off. 16/02/22 8:24:01	4

	Cat on a hot Chin Wu 03/06/20 20:17:58	4

	Chomping at the butt 16/10/19 20:21:48	1 4

	Thanks love. They're gorgeous! ...but what am I going to do with matching staplers!? 15/10/19 20:46:23	4

	Come on! Step on it! 18/12/18 21:34:54	4

	May contain alcohol. 13/06/22 18:11:17	3

	I'm embarrassed to admit my girlfriend has turned veggie 27/05/22 9:09:34	3

	If you wore a shirt or bought jeans with pockets, you'd have somewhere to put your comb and then you might not look so girly in the first place. 06/05/22 11:44:23	3

	It was when she revealed where she put the garlic baguette that the trouble started 05/05/22 8:08:43	3

	"I don't mind the cucumber and salad cream Brian but I don't like where they shove the celery" 07/04/22 8:11:31	3

	"Come on Susan! Hurry up! The 12pm caption is due" 01/04/22 8:06:17	3

	I prefer the B-side: "Kick back with my enormous shoes" 29/03/22 12:52:07	3

	Don't throw your junk in the river! 25/03/22 12:15:35	3

	"Lather it up, Fuzzball" 21/03/22 21:00:18	3

	Ooh, your back looks saw 20/03/22 11:20:33	3

	“Pooh’s daily exorcise isn’t working,” thought Tigger. “If anything, he keeps getting fatter.” 18/03/22 12:00:22	3

	"Ugh! That things belongs at the bottom of the sea!" "Yes and look, there's a squid parked next to it!" 16/03/22 8:10:41	3

	“Hello there. 01-91-48-36-55 please. Oh, and some prawn crackers.” 15/03/22 8:08:36	3

	“I hope one day someone invents an easier way to light a cigarette” 14/03/22 8:09:51	3

	Dave refuses to admit he may have overstacked the dishwasher 11/03/22 20:00:29	3

	...Must be willing to service the back doors 02/03/22 8:04:34	3

	It's turtley dead 27/02/22 8:16:19	3

	Baptism of … “FIRE!” 25/02/22 20:00:06	3

	Daddy's going to be so pleased when he sees how short this ride-on mower can cut the grass 25/02/22 8:01:45	3

	Sloping ceilings have always had their knockers 22/02/22 12:03:24	3

	I am sorry about the damage to your car sir, but unless Imran's head goes under, it's not deep enough to be classed as a pothole. 17/02/22 20:11:13	3

	Where the Hell is that other sock! 24/02/19 20:11:13	3

	There's more seating upstairs love but you have to use this ladder. 06/09/22 9:29:02	2

	When you have massive hands and unfeasibly short legs, you'll take any award you can get 12/07/22 21:28:56	2

	So that's what happened to Fatima Whitbread 19/06/22 15:50:15	2

	Hovercraft 19/06/22 11:08:25	2

	It's so hard to get the settings right on these new-fangled printers 18/06/22 9:59:43	2

	"Eww! Dad, this stinks!" 16/05/22 20:39:03	2

	There was a disappointing crowd for the Synchronised Farting Championships. 09/05/22 9:51:21	2

	The main problem with installing a commode on the back of an invisible bike is that you can’t see where you’re going. 06/05/22 20:02:59	2

	If you can read this, you're too close! 28/04/22 9:01:29	2

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Dave E

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