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"Thar she blows!"
25/01/24 20:07:33, edited: 25/01/24 20:08:00
Sumo mothers do 'ave 'em
20/01/24 20:03:33
''That child will go far.''
19/01/24 8:09:19
Gerry and the Pacemaker
17/01/24 8:08:34
"Contenderrrrs ready!?"
16/01/24 20:11:51
From the new mother-of-the bride range.
14/01/24 20:01:51
They come in packs of three
14/01/24 12:02:09, edited: 14/01/24 12:15:27, suggested edits
Being cut and sliced didn't bother Mr Carrot, but the previous night in Tina's bedroom was still playing on his mind.
12/01/24 12:37:54
"No, carry on...I will get into those sodding leggings."
12/01/24 12:02:33
"I'm suffocating my nits."
08/01/24 8:09:37
Ancient Wonders Series 2: The Hanging Hardons of Dagenham.
07/01/24 8:26:25
Turd class
06/01/24 20:35:15
His Ma disnae think he'll get a girlfriend any time soon.
02/01/24 12:01:31
Dave was rubbish at picking up girls.
31/12/23 20:19:41, edited: 01/01/24 8:03:59
Seems great at first, then gets used as coat rack.
30/12/23 20:02:45
Working ova time
26/12/23 20:12:18
Say cheese.
23/12/23 20:02:23
The Jungle Rook
22/12/23 21:09:42
Reminds me, I need to put the pigs in blankets in the oven.
18/12/23 12:03:08
"I heard what the vet did to you mate. I'm sorry for your loss."
14/12/23 12:02:06
"Yeah, sex with him is dry, boring, and one sided, but for some reason it does keep my thrush away."
12/12/23 8:24:39
The Oil and the Pussycat
09/12/23 12:13:02
"Jeez, I could murder a grandma ... I mean, a kebab."
07/12/23 8:13:13, edited: 07/12/23 8:28:15
It's a scam. He pays you £15 an hour to let him sing...but it's £100 to make him stop.
06/12/23 20:03:25
"Unfortunately for Susan, the similarity to a Donkey ended there."
04/12/23 8:12:21
Johnny Cash
03/12/23 8:09:27
"I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I'm stone deaf."
02/12/23 20:02:24
The ghost of captions past
02/12/23 8:00:30
Jack Rustle.
28/11/23 12:03:50
"How does it feel to be so close to death?""What are you talking about? I'm about a thousand feet from death."
20/11/23 20:21:25
Also available: Dinosaur Bones.
18/11/23 20:15:01
Toiletrees
15/11/23 8:02:05
Rupee cushion
09/11/23 12:03:05
"It's not that I'm not enjoying it, but could we go to the swings or something on our second date?"
03/11/23 20:05:39
Has bins
31/10/23 8:02:23
"Look guys, I know we're all upset about having to cancel the safari in Africa, but the mortgage has gone up so we just need to make the most of it. LOOK...there's another one."
28/10/23 11:16:48
Breakfast - London - £37.99
22/10/23 19:04:20
“Del I told you if we park the van here we’ll be charged.”
22/10/23 8:03:06
Arse over tit
17/10/23 19:12:38
Weapon of ass destruction
14/10/23 11:09:00
"Oh dear, I've just thrown up that meal I had a week ago.""Don't worry, Dave, the captions are all being regurgitated too."
12/10/23 19:17:35
Don't mention his weight. Don't mention his haircut. Don't mention his weight. Don't mention his haircut. Don't...
10/10/23 19:06:43
Forest Dump
08/10/23 19:04:16
Anyone repulsed by Dave's depiction of Marilyn Monroe really wasn't ready for his Sharon Stone.
08/10/23 13:31:43, edited: 08/10/23 13:34:16
Sadly died from a Cadillac arrest
06/10/23 7:02:13
"Fake Mews!"
02/10/23 19:00:41
"Do they come in packs?"
28/09/23 19:06:52
"What does it feel like?" "Itchy and Scratchy."
27/09/23 11:09:55
The Three Mustgetbeers
24/09/23 19:17:15
"How the heck's this supposed to keep the mosquitos off, Derek?""Have you seen the size of the mosquitos?!"
23/09/23 7:14:10
The Deli Lama
22/09/23 19:03:24
"...and after spraying scent, beating their chests and howling loudly the Kangaroo mating ritual finally ends with a bout of air guitar.."
18/09/23 7:10:41
Ironically, it was this exact pose that had resulted in her becoming a mummy in the first place.
15/09/23 7:09:39
For the stairs we make the bread with plain flour for the escalator we use self raising.
14/09/23 19:08:32
The Doctor told me to keep taking the tablets.
12/09/23 7:12:49
Bone China
08/09/23 11:01:04
Dave liked to start easy with his ransom demands
03/09/23 19:02:50, edited: 03/09/23 19:03:09
That shark just wants to have his kayak and eat it
01/09/23 19:20:22
The Repair Shop "not what it was", say TV critics.
25/08/23 11:25:27
"Ok, so I'll organise the church, the guest list, the reception venue, the menu, the flowers, and the photos. Dave, you can sort the transport."
13/08/23 19:31:47
A Tail of Two Kitties
11/08/23 11:01:30
"Just a heads up, guys, Ozzy Osbourne is visiting the ward today."
11/08/23 7:35:30
The Nudey Blues.
08/08/23 7:12:35
The frocky horror show.
06/08/23 14:07:31
The Day the Oeuf Stood Still
06/08/23 11:05:08
Waitress wanted. Must be flexible.
28/07/23 19:07:22
"They laugh now, but when someone needs a color pencil..."
25/07/23 19:05:40
"You just cut and paste, Dad"
21/07/23 11:20:53
The Nutty Professor.
17/07/23 19:11:02
Right Wing Lunatic
14/07/23 11:23:56, edited: 15/07/23 16:58:14
"And now we go over live to a toy store in France"
03/07/23 7:23:43
Meals on Heels
29/06/23 7:07:16
Postman Pat was already regretting it.
26/06/23 20:45:52, edited: 26/06/23 21:25:03
The Hokey Cokey's changed since I were a girl.
26/06/23 12:53:54
Jacuzzi Cousteau
23/06/23 11:44:48
They're always going on family trips.
19/06/23 11:26:52
Dave knew he would find a way to enjoy the James Blunt concert with his girlfriend
13/06/23 7:10:10
"Follow me it's the quickest way to the beach"
12/06/23 19:51:57
For those who like to watch what they eat.
07/06/23 11:00:22
Footsee
06/06/23 19:00:15
"Any last words, sir?""Yes. I'd like to thank whomever forgot the rope."
04/06/23 19:52:29, edited: 04/06/23 19:55:29
Meanwhile, the weather in Manchester improved so much you could actually see the top of benches.
31/05/23 11:11:11
Someone told Dave it was healthier to eat "whole foods"
29/05/23 11:51:01, edited: 29/05/23 11:51:45
"Hi Nana! can you see us? thanks for the jumpers, we really like them. Yes we wear them all the time, don't we Tony?" "Yes.""Nono not too small at all, are they Tony?""No."
27/05/23 7:37:03
Sir Walker Raleigh
21/05/23 11:00:22
A single match later and we settled down next to a roaring fire.
20/05/23 7:00:52
Superking.
19/05/23 11:00:25
Round one.
18/05/23 15:15:35
Mystery surrounds fate of missing hairdresser.
17/05/23 7:06:41
"Can you get the hell off me. I'm trying to have a piss."
15/05/23 7:14:38
"How much?" "4 bucks""Will ya take 3?"
13/05/23 19:02:21
Dave hoped the ticket inspector wouldn't notice him.
13/05/23 7:03:54
''She died several hours ago, Holmes. Do you suspect foil play?''
09/05/23 19:28:42
"Nobody's gonna call me a couch potato."
08/05/23 11:00:13
Dave was bored with wearing his hair in a bun.
07/05/23 11:01:11, edited: 07/05/23 11:05:22
🎵 I'm Singh in the rain
07/05/23 7:01:35, edited: 07/05/23 7:01:48
Pride comes before a fowl
05/05/23 7:57:18
And in Dublin, the annual 'Swap you Wife for a Keg of Guinness' promotion kicks off.
04/05/23 7:01:19
Court her, pound her.
29/04/23 19:26:05
''Can he do any other tricks?''''Yes, he can make food disappear.''
26/04/23 11:31:49
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