lol x2

"Why are you leaving the job?"
"The doctor says I've got parking zones disease."

11/02/17 20:48:38

clever

How many times do I have to tell the kids not to accept lifts from strangers?

15/01/17 12:03:17

clever

Braking news

11/10/16 19:16:20

creative

Super collie’s fragile biscuits fix his halitosis.

11/11/18 10:27:30

Cash on Delivery

05/08/18 19:30:19

clever x2

"Business is slow today, son. Release the pigeons."

01/06/18 22:24:11

Cat-a-pillar

28/12/18 10:34:16

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!

21/10/18 8:57:54

Game of Thrones

19/02/17 12:33:15

It's very odd, but when I started wearing these, I couldn't take my hat off. Then I realised I'd left the caps lock on.

14/01/17 8:20:16

creative clever

I thought we'd park here to be on the safe side.

16/09/16 11:00:32

In the year 2050, the local takeaway proudly announces that it hasn't put its prices up since 2018.

22/10/18 12:03:09

£50
WINNER

lol x2

"We're trying to get him out of the habit. None of us dare yawn at home."

26/08/17 9:52:28

clever

"Excuse me, there's no toilet paper in the Gents."

29/03/17 11:03:45

They're both guilty - it's written all over their faces.

16/11/16 20:07:13

lol

"I think I know what the problem is," said the doctor. "He's not eating properly."

13/10/16 19:14:10

Watch their eyes light up when I open a tin of salmon.

10/08/16 11:57:15

"My head hertz."

09/11/18 20:06:42

Mick was exhausted after digging a hole to try and hide the yacht he'd stolen.

13/07/18 14:33:38

Who says it takes two to tango?

07/07/18 21:39:22

"Darling, have a word with the kids, will you? They've put the fish in the washing machine again."

09/06/18 9:21:50

The Dark Knight Rises

12/08/17 19:18:15

After a lengthy investigation, the cops decided the eggs hadn't been stolen, they had simply been mislaid.

06/05/17 16:25:57

lol

Thit! Don't you jutht hate it when you bite your tongue.

31/10/16 20:05:20

lol

I didn't think anyone still used the Galaxy Note 7.

16/11/18 10:14:58

Well, that locksmith did get me in, but I’m not sure I’d use him again.

17/08/18 19:07:17

"Mum says when you've finished meditating, can she have her tea-towel back?"

16/01/18 13:10:26

The wife always buys me a pair of boxers for Christmas.

21/10/17 19:01:28

clever

Mother always says take an overgoat in case it turns chilly.

15/01/17 12:04:49

Takeaway menu: Try our family bucket deal.

28/11/16 9:41:12

KenChucky Fried Chicken.

14/11/16 22:17:21

clever

Meals on wheels

21/08/18 11:18:12

♪♪ We're in the Monet

21/07/18 17:03:50

"I've fixed your mother's bedside lamp, darling."

11/04/18 11:18:47

"Gran, you're making an exhibition of yourself again."

12/10/17 19:04:12

Earwigs

16/02/17 20:04:51

He just wanted a brief glimpse.

03/02/17 8:05:43

“Harry! The grandkids have been feeding Tommy with your Viagra tablets again!”

23/11/18 20:00:21

When looking for intelligent life, the dish always points away from earth.

13/07/18 9:02:59

“Hello, banking services? Can you tell me why I can’t withdraw any cash, please?”
“Certainly, Madam. It appears you’re badly overdrawn.”

24/06/18 11:00:15

Don't shoot the messenger.

26/05/18 19:07:03

We’re expecting a bulletin

26/05/18 19:00:36

Mail shot

26/05/18 19:00:12

"...and seventy five condoms, please. I'm doing sex education with Year 10 boys tomorrow."

17/12/17 20:54:14

My brother got the silver spoon in his mouth. I had to make do with the napkin ring.

30/09/17 9:25:01

All dolled up with nowhere to go

31/08/17 11:00:15

"Slow down, guys! I've pulled a mussel."

31/07/17 19:19:50

lol

Invasion of the Killer Toilet Roll Holders.

31/05/17 9:33:28

clever

Welcome to the human race, son.

31/03/17 20:03:31

"Which flat does Bob live in?"
"I haven't a clue."

06/02/17 12:01:57

A nice bowl of Pot Purry will enhance any room.

23/01/17 12:00:32

Well, it's not fit for human habitation, that's for sure. Let's rent it out to students.

13/01/17 9:25:02

"How did he get up there?"
"He's been eating helium balloons again."
"Oh well, whatever floats your goat."

30/11/16 10:34:14

Impressive Aperture.

05/11/16 14:11:01

clever

It makes a great getaway vehicle. Totally confuses forensics.

24/10/16 19:07:05

lol

Only fools and Hearses

24/08/16 11:07:00

♪ Now bring us some twiggy pudding,
Now bring us some twiggy pudding,
Now bring us some twiggy pudding
And bring it out here." ♪

23/12/18 20:24:04

Put your money where your mouth is.

23/12/18 14:10:14

♪ Honda first day of Christmas, Santa brought to me... ♪

22/12/18 10:20:54

Put the kettle on, love. I'm spitting feathers here.

10/12/18 23:43:24

Have you met our new lab technicians?

03/12/18 12:52:48

When librarians have children.

02/12/18 12:32:10

She's a lovely girl. Never a crossword.

01/12/18 21:33:59

After a spell of poor trading, they have been re-named The Folding Door Company.

16/11/18 12:21:12

You never know when there's a kidnapper lying in weight.

17/08/18 11:30:14

Swamped with work

09/08/18 19:00:28

Tune in next week when our experimental chef tackles TV dinners.

27/07/18 19:44:05

"I'm just popping in the shoe shop. I'll meet you back here," said his wife, five hours ago.

09/06/18 12:18:15

“Did you remember the magazines for the coffee table?”

03/06/18 19:00:08

There are times you have to be grateful you don’t play the double bass.

02/06/18 19:02:06

"Youngsters are too soft these days. In my day it was vinegar and brown paper."

26/05/18 18:44:54

My caravan has been stolen again. Police are beginning to see a pattern.

30/10/17 10:33:19

Stick another burger on the Barbie.

31/08/17 19:00:07

"Let's go to Mull of Kintyre for our holidays," you said. "The scenery is breath-taking," you said.

19/12/16 14:07:35

Larry was disappointed to wake up and find he wasn't tucking into a giant slice of watermelon after all.

26/12/18 21:02:07

Are you sure this is how you play tick tack toe?

19/12/18 12:15:52

B*llocks to shopping, thought Steve.

06/12/18 9:46:53

lol

Everything was fine until he got picked up by the fuzz.

02/12/18 11:20:03

"Are you absolutely sure you want a piggy-back?"

23/11/18 16:48:01

"I know my mother is superstitious, George, but you still won't put her off coming to visit."

18/08/18 19:18:49

Tat for Tits

18/06/18 12:59:35

clever

It's an interesting idea for a chess set but it does make it hard to concentrate.

20/12/17 13:45:23

Dummies for Windows

01/12/17 10:31:21

There's always something clogging up the streets these days.

24/11/17 10:23:47

lol

"Doctor, my nipples are clogged."


(Belated nod to Sat 19:30:47, which I have only just seen. Sorry.)

28/10/17 23:59:34

"What the hell's this? I've been given a barking ticket!"

17/10/17 15:10:06

Customers found it difficult to leave the shop because they’d put all their basques in one exit.

15/09/17 11:00:22

That new aftershave brought Jim out in hives.

21/06/17 19:01:46

"No thanks, it's gone coaled."

24/04/17 13:53:31

Nigel stared in wonder at this new type of e-reader. Why had nobody thought of it before? No batteries, no recharging, and even allowed on the plane.

06/04/17 7:40:51

They knew she'd be nervous on the ride, so in a last-ditch effort to stop her biting her nails, Ellen's parents resorted to the broom handle through the sleeves trick.

26/02/17 12:41:15

clever

So that's what baited breath looks like.

22/02/17 12:06:03

creative

♪♪ Like a ciabatta out of hell ♪♪

13/02/17 0:50:00

"Ma'am, the breathalyser shows that you've had a few stiff ones."
"It can tell that as well? Oh my word, isn't technology these days amazing?"

03/02/17 22:54:45

♪ I see you baby, stood on that ass. ♪

25/01/17 9:50:47

Post traumatic stress

25/08/16 12:30:46

Cutting Hedge Technology

16/08/16 11:54:52

"Have you flossed recently?"
"No, I just sort of shuffle round the dance floor a bit."

29/12/18 21:27:31

Scientists have noticed that bears are developing a taste for fast food.

21/08/18 11:21:59

clever

*Don't walk and text*

14/08/18 8:22:07

"Don't you Jehova's Witnesses EVER give up?"

07/08/18 7:24:06

I hate it when you do a jigsaw and there's one piece left over.

29/06/18 19:32:19

Other sea creatures hate it when whales fart.

09/06/18 9:16:15

lol

"To be honest love, I think I prefer the chocolate body paint."

19/05/18 20:23:15

clever

"You can't get round me that way," said the Sphynx. "Now, answer the question."

15/05/18 11:47:00

We're hoping that 2018 will be the year that Eric gets help for his gambolling problem.

31/12/17 12:17:53

It was a spectacular dive by the gannet, who got Jimmy right in the 'nads.

26/11/17 20:43:16

"I'm no clairvoyant but I can tell you're fuchsia."

14/11/17 8:48:00

Newquay's seagull problem is getting worse.

03/09/17 9:26:13

"Yes, actually I have been up all night captioning. How can you tell?"

01/08/17 8:17:52

"Darling, I've put the Christmas turkey in the loft to thaw out. There's no way Ginger and Buster will get at it this year."

04/07/17 21:42:07

Meet K9's replacement, Kit10.

12/06/17 9:15:23

Dressage is even harder now they've brought in the new skateboard round

10/06/17 14:27:05

On New Year's Day 2003, Sandra vowed not to have her hair cut again until she gave up smoking.

20/05/17 9:43:27

"One day someone told me to grow a pair, and it just spiralled from there."

21/04/17 12:08:21

clever

If there's one thing I can't stand it's swan upmanship.

06/04/17 19:49:20

lol

It was the worst case of shingles the doctor had ever seen.

04/03/17 20:32:03

He: "I broke my ankle in two places."
She: "Stop going to those places then."

09/01/17 11:40:39

Look what the Cat's dragged in.

28/11/16 9:18:12

She sends selfies on the sea shore

11/11/16 23:05:56

I'm not sure this is what MI6 meant when they said they wanted a double agent.

07/10/16 13:35:59

Dear Mr Green,
On the results of your recent Work Capability Assessment, the DWP deems that you are fit for work. You are required to attend the job centre immediately.

20/09/16 21:44:07

"I don't know where you got these crackers from, pal, but they taste like cardboard."

21/12/18 13:07:26

We’re sorry Mr Lecter, you won’t be allowed to bring your recipe book into prison.

17/12/18 20:00:24

Atomic mass

30/11/18 12:16:27

"Get your ears syringed, love. I said go and get me half a dozen BAGELS."

05/09/18 9:35:53

Jiminy, you really need to do something about your crack habit.

25/08/18 20:00:17

A pair of old crocs.

16/08/18 9:07:46

“I feel like I’m just stagnating at this job.”

09/08/18 19:00:09

“I have to say, our cat really rules the roost.”

07/08/18 19:02:29

"You can't blame Jimmy for not smiling. He was feeling fowl that day."

19/07/18 15:52:14

"Well, what did you expect? You can't go on regenerating forever without a few hiccups."

18/07/18 10:09:16

"Look, if I want an octopus sandwich, I'll have an octopus sandwich. OK?"

06/07/18 11:09:25

You can't deny she's well-upholstered.

21/06/18 9:41:56

When it's dark it's always a good idea to use headlights.

02/06/18 14:27:58

creative

"...and if you approach the mouse like this, it doesn't realise you're a cat."

21/05/18 9:44:02

Local traders, sick of Eric's busking, had told him to stick his music where the sun don't shine.

09/05/18 13:26:11

"But Sarge, you said arrange a Police Escort. Here she is."

05/05/18 19:45:14

Off the top of my head I can't tell you how to pronounce it.

27/04/18 11:35:36

No jokes please. It's wrong to mock a killing bird.

17/02/18 10:30:56

lol

That's the trouble with snow, it goes wherever it likes.

13/02/18 20:08:59

Things hadn't been going well in their relationship but this wasn't the time to fall out.

18/01/18 10:17:08

The DWP still insists he's fit for work.

09/12/17 11:15:36

I asked for a matt finish...

13/11/17 22:21:05

"Aren't you The Stig's wife?"

16/10/17 8:47:46

It had been a stressful holiday. The cracks were showing.

26/09/17 11:10:19

"When I said the ground could do with a facelift..."

15/09/17 9:07:24

lol clever

I can't see you right now, hun, I'm working.

11/08/17 20:13:45

lol

I think you're flossing too hard, love.

01/08/17 12:23:35

They're lovely dear ... what have you done?

22/07/17 8:49:21

Gas guzzler

11/07/17 19:34:18

The other nostril dispenses strawberry flavour.

24/06/17 8:25:07

Ah, the fine tradition of Morris Dancing.

23/04/17 11:51:58

"Hey, Mike, what colour did you decide to spray your car in the end?"

22/04/17 8:18:44

I think the goodyears are over.

01/04/17 13:58:00

The dog's about to make a horrendous mess on your bed. Do you
a) Shout at him and chuck him off the bed? or
b) Take a photo for Caption.me?

30/03/17 7:19:05

lol

I suffer for your art.

19/02/17 20:26:30

"What's wrong?" said the Genie. "I gave you exactly what you asked for, hot pussy with whipped cream."

19/12/16 10:37:22

That reminds me - I must get some batteries.

07/12/16 13:13:36

Muriel, you really need to address this crack habit of yours.

07/12/16 10:11:22

Little Sophie learned at an early age that sand gets everywhere.

18/10/16 7:39:19

Pedal Bin

07/10/16 22:43:10

How to exit the gene pool: lesson one.

02/09/16 10:19:26

"This photography for relaxation course really isn't working, is it, John?"

10/12/18 10:35:38

♪ I see a little stiletto of a man ♪

09/12/18 12:08:22

"This reminds me of being at school."
"Why's that then?"
"Being touched up by an old master."

08/12/18 21:00:49

clever

I ordered some of them anabolic thingies off the internet. Anybody want to buy a dozen stair rods?

10/11/18 21:49:17

There seems to be an increase in fowl crimes on our streets. It must be all these quackheads funding their habit.

31/08/18 9:05:50

lol

"Hey mate! this is great stuff you're growing up here!"

22/08/18 13:05:09

“My bike’s a chick magnet.”

14/08/18 11:00:09

Now showing in theatres everywhere: Drakes on a Plane.

05/08/18 10:18:46

It's becoming fashionable for men to put their hair in a bun.

29/07/18 19:24:17

"I bought one of these hats and had to take it back because it kept playing music. Apparently I should have removed the band."

19/06/18 21:40:59

The day before his appointment at the opticians, Steve went to look for a new Lazyboy.

15/06/18 9:09:30

"She's got no sense of direction. We were meant to be tunnelling into the bank next door."

30/03/18 8:49:05

Anon says, "Even back in those times they made spelling mistakes. Look at that, it should be eye before bee, except after sea."

13/02/18 1:24:36

Got any change for the barking meter?

03/02/18 10:46:48

Interviews are currently being held for new anons. Punctuation knowledge essential. Must be able to split hairs.

(Even bigger nods to 12:06:22 and 14:22:30)

24/01/18 22:42:30

*Unexpected items in bagging area*

28/12/17 12:07:53

"Who's that over there, waving his arms at him?"
"Oh, that's just the busk conductor."

18/12/17 22:10:39

The Lilliputians had only two holiday destinations and Gulliver had a foot in both camps.

17/11/17 12:00:10

"I told you that you were parking up the wrong tree."

13/11/17 0:16:08

clever

♪♪ I'm too socksy for my shirt, too socksy for my shirt...

08/11/17 10:05:39

"Perhaps you should turn the whirlpool bath down a bit, dear?"

06/11/17 12:49:06

"My baby was one of the guinea pigs who trialled the system."

30/10/17 12:57:57

George's parents were hoping that one day he would outgrow his Jenga addiction.

15/10/17 9:28:47

creative

"Hey, Maria, have you been washing your horse in Persil again?"

10/10/17 11:25:35

Safety equipment check: helmet, check. Non-slip footwear, check. Airbags, check.

10/08/17 19:43:16

I only asked if they shaved pussies and they threw me out.

17/07/17 8:44:11

The Maori Celeste sets out on its maiden voyage.

13/07/17 22:42:43

"I see you have goat on the menu."
"Oh, yes sir, just push her off it."

04/07/17 8:45:06

Sorry, must dash. We're off to the artificial insemination clinic while this sample's still fresh.

27/05/17 9:17:38

I didn't know Zaphod Beeblebrox had a sister.

13/05/17 12:55:41

Top Of The Pops

28/04/17 9:33:34

The all-new Mitsubishi Spyder solves all your parking problems.

10/04/17 11:16:27

"You are under arrest for criminal damage and being drunk and disorderly."
"But I'd only just started painting the town red."

07/04/17 21:46:15

Meanwhile...Bald porcupine seeks loving home.

01/04/17 10:25:29

When she saw what the hairdresser had done, she went up the wall.

21/03/17 22:51:09

I don't know what species it is but the dawn chorus is deafening since it arrived.

03/03/17 9:49:35

Welcome to the launching of the Thaitanic.

02/03/17 9:56:25