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	This Week				Last Week			All Time
	Quota	Added	Score	Rank	Added	Score	Rank	Added	Score	Rank
Captions	24	9	26	#20	6	1	#35	3085	3330	#54
Photos			3	#8		1	#7	60	241	#10
Comments	66	1	1	#8	1	11	#1	236	245	#33
Forum Posts		1						1
Suggested Edits								1	3	#10

	This Week		Last Week		All Time
	Voted	Rank	Voted	Rank	Voted	Rank
Captions	108	#3	21	#22	13353	#17
Photos					758	#25
Comments	4	#3	2	#7	367	#22
Forum Posts
Suggested Edits					5	#9

captions comments received captioned photos

captions

	"The swelling will soon subside miss Clarke. It's a common side effect. Anything I can get you?" "Bwwuuwuvwuwu bwavabvoovwoowoo" "With or without mayonnaise?" 04/03/20 15:51:41	2 5
Yes I am James. Glad I made you laugh. ðŸ˜ŠðŸ™‚ --Karen Oakenfull
	"THEY'RE QUITE GOOD AREN'T THEY." "PARDON?" "I SAID, THEY ARE ABSOLUTE SHITE AREN'T THEY." "BIRMINGHAM.YOU?" "VODKA AND COKE." 30/05/19 3:03:11	5

	Bloody health and safety. You can't even go to a simple hardcore S&M gimp orgy without going through all that rigmarole. 13/03/19 20:04:11	5

	🎵He wears red peppers and a stupid f*cking dress.🎵 05/03/19 20:08:43	5

	An attempt to do a remake of "˜The Prisoner' failed miserably. 21/02/19 12:41:29	5

	"I ain't no mofo fickle." slurred Joe as he tried in vain to kill the fortune-telling fish from his Christmas cracker. 27/08/17 11:52:52	5

	The 19th hole isn't what you expect at Clapham Common Golf Club. 20/08/16 20:18:42	5

	Olga tried to escape from fat camp but didn't get very far. 19/06/15 1:11:52	5

	Once Doreen get's going, she'll make you laugh all day. 18/06/15 13:00:00	5

	There was only two more full body spins, a low 10, high 10, thumb grasp, mid air splits, and a final high 5 then Errol's standard 7 minute handshake would be complete. 06/06/15 12:47:16	5

	Pedro had almost finished moving his stuff into a new apartment, but was dreading going back for the washing machine. 31/05/14 1:59:03	5

	Jenkins was later court marshalled for 'Pausing to sort out a wedgy during a life and death situation.' 30/05/14 14:36:05	5

	Everyone held their breath in silence watching the final moments of the routine. Then somebody opened a can of coke and the cat leaped 30ft up into the rafters and swung to and fro along them as if they were parallel bars and won silver!!! 30/03/24 20:13:56, edited: 30/03/24 20:14:37	4

	creative Tommy the tortoise has been playing chess since he was 4. He’s 97 now, and had never lost a game. Until his last match, which was so close, he only lost by a hare’s breath. Tommy was unable to comment due to going into early hibernation. 27/03/24 20:24:08, edited: 27/03/24 20:30:37	4

	I see Shawaddywaddy are still doing the rounds. 22/03/24 13:47:39	1 4
I think the one in the middle looks a bit like Alvin Stardust. --Dave Bryan
	Never add an an uncapped fountain pen in with your sandwiches. 12/03/24 11:18:49	4

	“I did not have Donkey killed.” 08/03/24 8:09:33	4

	I tried this once and when I went back to the shop to complain, I was thrown out for being too lippy. 29/01/24 8:36:17	4

	Jazz Feet! 26/01/24 21:14:42	4

	When asked about his heroism during the glue factory explosion, Dave replied "Has anyone got any solvent to get this prick off my back?" 18/01/24 20:11:55, edited: 19/01/24 20:01:56, suggested edits	2 4
Love this theme, Cap Auth, but wonder if a more specific story might get more votes. I've offered one but feel free to reject, I'm voting for your original anyway ;) --James Lennox
	“Excuse me lady, I don’t understand why you are advertising that you are on strike. What right do have to go on strike? The money you get doesn’t go through the tax man, you can earn as much or as little as you want, and charge what you want. You don’t have to stand out in the town telling everyone what you are and what you’re doing..Go home before you embarrass yourself and the town’s folk any further.” “20 dollars officer?” “Meet me round the back of the doughnut shop.” 13/01/24 12:33:40, edited: 13/01/24 12:49:19	4

	“Darling, have you eaten my Phaal curry? It was there when I nipped to the loo.” 05/11/23 20:22:34, edited: 05/11/23 20:23:46	4

	“When Alan Titchmarsh arrives, just act normal, as though you don’t know who he his.” 05/09/23 20:17:25	4

	Puffer Daddy 15/08/23 12:07:04	4

	lol “Mary?……..MARY!.. Have you pre-heated the oven on gas mark 5?” “Jesus.. Yes!….and I’ve ironed your best sheets to wear, plus I’ve put the bins out…AND, I’ve fumigated your sandals…Don’t forget to take the bread out in 35 minutes. I’m off out now to get stoned. Laters yeah.” 12/08/23 1:00:27	4

	“Noooo! I AM Spartacus. Why are you laughing?” 11/08/23 0:55:36	4

	Andy identifies as a “they” 16/07/23 21:47:14	4

	Mike’s favourite jokes are one liners. 04/07/23 0:10:22	4

	Bing Bong “This is your captain speaking. On behalf of myself and the crew, we apologise for Lassie’s sudden frantic barking and growling. She has now been sedated. We are sorry to inform you that we have to turn back because according to Lassie, young Johnny who is out on a raft with his grandfather, have suddenly got caught up in a strong current and are hurtling towards the Niagara Falls as we speak. Thank you for your patience and understanding.” Bing Bong 01/07/23 14:12:13, edited: 01/07/23 14:17:51	4

	Clocking in for work at a precision engineering factory in the mid 1800’s was quite the palaver. 18/06/23 21:50:09	4

	“…Hahahahaha you weren’t expecting that were you?” The telegram read: “Congratulations on your wedding day Tanya and David. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there on your special day….But….SURPRISE! I COULD come after all. Look at who is sitting at the table, two rows down and you’ll see me.” To her absolute disbelief, she saw her ‘dead’ ex husband, (who had supposedly been murdered by a hired hitman) waving merrily and leaping about. She then found out she’d been set up, and had just married an undercover FBI agent called Bernard..yes, Bernard. 10/06/23 5:09:40, edited: 10/06/23 5:15:59	4

	“What band was on?” “Cold Play." 01/06/23 8:02:25	4

	“Wasn’t that a great match folks?…Now it’s competition time folks… Just dial 6565 555 6565…. …that’s 6565 555 6565.. if you can Spot The Loser’s Missing Eyeball! Zoom in for a chance to win $500 and a trip t Hello? We have someone on line one….” 19/05/23 5:26:08	1 4

	Janet could barely contain how thrilled she was to be presented with a special sanitised velvet mask storage box. 10/04/23 20:22:57, edited: 10/04/23 21:12:46	1 4
I've given this a vote but think it would garner more votes if you removed the 'as a retirement gift from the hospital management' bit. It's just not needed. --Vivvy En
	“Is there room for this cabbage up there Pete?” 05/04/23 20:08:08	4

	Times were hard, very hard. Doris worked her fingers to the bone working six jobs to keep the family fed and clothed. She didn’t ask for much in life, she just wished her husband would have a fucking bath every now and again. 04/04/23 8:40:45	4

	“Hey Tommy go get the crank.” “But I thought your girlfriend was on vacation?” How they laughed. 20/01/23 12:13:39, edited: 20/01/23 12:47:35	1 4
He didn't really mean it. He was just a little wound up. --Willie Johnson
	“I don’t understand why it hasn’t been put down.” “It’s not a real dog Geoff.” “The lid you tw*t.” 19/01/23 13:04:03, edited: 19/01/23 13:08:25	4

	“Goodbye dear…………Oh wait, stop! Ive just remembered, I didn’t write fish fingers down. Will you remember? Get the pack of 15, cod not hake……and when you get to th………………..damn he’s gone. I bet he forgets.” 17/01/23 20:01:31	4

	creative “I once ran around naked over there….…What a card game that was.” 07/01/23 20:17:21	1 4
Waaah!! Who told you…?!😱 --Julia Kinsey
	She can also pick the freshest fruit, the best bacon and the winner of the Grand National. 16/11/22 3:02:11	4

	“Look, sod this, we’ll run out of paper in a minute. Just keep it simple! Dear Mother. I’m afraid I am unable to visit this weekend as I am going to see The Eurovision Song Contest with my friend Giles. Much love, Tarquin. Perfect. How on earth will that make her suspicious of anything?” 28/09/22 20:42:21, edited: 28/09/22 23:47:44	4

	I knew it was going be a long wait in A&E when these were the only chairs left. 25/09/22 17:40:24, edited: 28/09/22 14:33:43	2 4
Grammar Police: I knew...Thank you! --Dot Old
	When the washing machine has packed up and you’ve nothing clean left to wear but you still have to go to work. 24/09/22 6:10:04, edited: 24/09/22 6:12:17	4

	“Can’t we just play with string and boxes like normal cats?” 18/09/22 12:16:15	4

	Neil has won Angler of the year for the last 5 years. He puts his success down to breeding his own maggots. 19/06/22 8:25:12	4

	“Hello?…Don’t just stand there on the doorstep…Go Away!” 01/05/22 22:00:58	4

	A typical example of how shoplifting from Walmart is SO easy. Simply pick up what you want and either wear it, or just shove stuff down the front and back of your tight (preferably luminous) leggings, and you’ll just blend in without suspicion. 27/12/21 21:53:43	4

	Fred was always being accused of sticking his nose into everything. Through no fault of his own. 21/12/21 12:47:41	4

	The ladies stared in disbelief at the woman on the next table because she used the wrong cutlery to eat her starter. This upset their entire morning. Dave on the other hand, wondered if organising his house to blow up in a gas explosion while they were out was such a good idea. What if they weren’t insured? 19/12/21 15:51:29	4

	“Morning.” “Morning.” 18/09/21 20:40:00	4

	Man freaks when wife tells him they are vegan sausages 30/08/21 11:57:20	4

	Cadfiles 28/06/21 10:40:40	4

	She didn't get the L'Oreal contract, but Veet snapped her up like a shot. 30/05/21 13:15:59	4

	"Bugger it Janet, let's just piss ourselves." 21/04/21 8:01:53	4

	It was 20 years ago to the day that Bob and Sheila released a rescued baby shark back into its natural habitat, and were thrilled when it came back to eat them. 24/11/20 3:35:57	4

	I didn't think they did public hangings anymore. 13/11/20 12:18:12	4

	The project went well until Jed started pole vaulting. The worst fire since records began." 05/09/20 20:38:18	4

	Tin Tin goes undercover for his latest mission. 05/08/20 12:31:01	4

	Whilst up there looking for the exercise bike, Pete realised he must get round to reattaching the loft hatch. 03/06/20 14:34:31	1 4
Where he's growing his cannabis. --Woofer 6
	Babs likes to make an effort when she goes to Walmart. 02/06/20 10:02:02	4

	"Anyway, enough chat, I've got to ride my bike up a steep hill and deliver some bread now." 14/05/20 11:40:35	1 4
And bye the way when i said about poaching a fish I meant cooking it. --Woofer 6
	Mike doesn't let a silly thing like a drought stop him. 13/05/20 11:22:11	1 4
Where there's a free willy there's a way. --Woofer 6
	"Omg what the hell happened to you?" "I don't know, it all happened so slow." 20/04/20 20:30:00	1 4
Let's go to the instant replay. --Scrijjy Doo
	"No, I asked where are you, not what are you doing." 17/04/20 5:58:57	4

	"I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE!.....But you can call me Vinny...Oooo chase me." 01/04/20 20:41:17	4

	"Over here Mick, shine the torch, I've found the white spirit." 30/03/20 20:15:49	4

	...Meanwhile, back at the Starsky and Spuds appreciation society.... 19/03/20 12:26:46	4

	Never mate with a Hobbit. 16/03/20 16:42:14	4

	Don't you just hate it when they pixelate faces. 06/07/19 12:18:30	4

	My mate said he'd take me to the Dragon's Head for a drink on my birthday. I didn't laugh. 02/07/19 12:00:53	4

	You can always tell when a newbie has read the entire terms and conditions before installing Java. 02/05/19 8:03:45	4

	"We were very tightly packed in the lorry" 18/04/19 20:08:17	4

	"Not that type of rabbit Doreen!" Laughed the supervisor at the community centre's Easter arts and crafts day. 18/04/19 12:18:34	4

	Frank regretted starting foreplay in the kitchen and finding her G-spot for the first time. 27/03/19 20:03:27	4

	........with an allen key attached to its leg. 20/03/19 21:33:38	4

	What a pro!...Lapse 10/02/19 21:44:52	4

	2 glands 1 cup 01/02/19 12:04:53	4

	Hairy Biker 13/01/19 20:32:50	4

	Bloody poles coming over here taking our photo opportunities. 09/09/17 15:41:14	4

	Palm tree Nods to 20:00:09 and 20:02:00 30/08/17 20:11:42	4

	Screw that 'No More Nails' 19/08/16 8:42:21	4

	This vintage photo shows how unpleasant a train journey used to be, as there were no seats available and it was very cramped. Thankfully, in this modern day and age, all that has........oh, hang on.. 28/05/15 18:01:20	4

	creative He was so sure he'd perfected his grip technique as he swung her round by the ankles. 24/05/15 21:45:07	4

	Gagpuss 30/08/14 8:15:45	4

	Pepsi report that Michael Jackson has come back to haunt them. 04/07/14 20:47:25	4

	"I would've gotten away with it if weren't for you pesky kids." 23/06/14 16:32:48	2 4
It doesn't need the second sentence, just end it at 'kids' :) --Michael Winner
	Harum Scarum 23/04/14 14:17:07	4

	"Yeah I've got the money, all of it, in cash, in a brown envelope in my handbag. I Just want you to do it quickly and quietly. Call me on my mobile when the job's done." "Ok, leave it to me. But it would be much easier if you set up direct debits to pay in your monthly bills. I hate queuing up in that bloody post office ma." 03/09/14 17:56:39	3

	Colin has always loved filming the wildlife in and around the canals. But he's never quite been the same since over 30 swans tried to kill him. 02/07/14 20:50:45	3

	Just one day after taking over the business, Max Clifford's son sat waiting for the first secretary applicant to arrive. 14/06/14 17:03:25	3

	Stage 5 of the headbutt management therapy course. 14/06/14 16:04:05	3

	Beachy Head - The movie 01/05/14 21:20:46	3

	Olga Catbut 30/03/24 20:03:27	3

	“Do you think anybody else just heard that Charles?” “No, but they’ll smell it soon enough.” 18/03/24 8:38:32	3

	Tonight On True Crime: “I would’ve got away with it if weren’t for that fucking parrot” 03/02/24 12:20:04	3

	When dad can’t find an elastic band. 31/12/23 12:27:45	3

	“Did somebody say just eat?” “No, I think they said, Is that you Pete?” 31/12/23 11:52:01, edited: 31/12/23 11:53:42	3

	More bones discovered in a car park. Believed to be the remains of Richard King, who disappeared in 1990 after complaining to the contractors that the tarmac behind his shop wasn’t level. 01/10/23 23:24:25, edited: 02/10/23 3:02:12, suggested edits	1 3

	When dad can’t be bothered with potty training. 16/09/23 1:18:33	3

more captions

last comments (total: 117)

Message to Al. Thank you for you edit suggestion. Before I decide, I just want to say that the initial intention was to just write the first line, assuming everyone/most people know the limerick and people thinking or remembering what comes next is supposedly what may cause a chortle or two. The one I know is:
There once was a gardener from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Loads of grass, grew round his arse
And now he’s covered in weeds.
Should I write the original as I know it, or add your version which I think is funnier or shall I leave it as it is. If it’s worth changing to make it funnier, please let me know Al and also what others think possibly.

(caption author)

13/01/24
3:55pm

comment on caption:
There once lived a gardener from Leeds… Who swallowed a packet of seeds It was more fertile grass When it came out his arse It also choked most of the weeds [Karen Oakenfull]

Fair enough, Caption Author. Leave it how it is. I'd never heard it before and improvised.

Al Overy

13/01/24
4:42pm

comment on caption:
There once lived a gardener from Leeds… Who swallowed a packet of seeds It was more fertile grass When it came out his arse It also choked most of the weeds [Karen Oakenfull]

Kathleen, 'ass' rhymes better if you're from north of Watford Gap. :)

Al Overy

13/01/24
4:44pm

comment on caption:
There once lived a gardener from Leeds… Who swallowed a packet of seeds It was more fertile grass When it came out his arse It also choked most of the weeds [Karen Oakenfull]

That’s because you are a quick witted clever little Devil our Al. I still don’t know what to Kathleen said to write ass instead of arse but I don’t know which limerick she means. I’ll see If I can find her.

(caption author)

13/01/24
4:48pm

comment on caption:
There once lived a gardener from Leeds… Who swallowed a packet of seeds It was more fertile grass When it came out his arse It also choked most of the weeds [Karen Oakenfull]

I say “arse” though?😳
I never ever imagined that those would be my first words to you our Kathleen. Can we not let this affect our friendship?

(caption author)

13/01/24
4:54pm

comment on caption:
There once lived a gardener from Leeds… Who swallowed a packet of seeds It was more fertile grass When it came out his arse It also choked most of the weeds [Karen Oakenfull]

Thank you Al xxx

Karen Oakenfull

16/01/24
7:31pm

comment on caption:
There once lived a gardener from Leeds… Who swallowed a packet of seeds It was more fertile grass When it came out his arse It also choked most of the weeds [Karen Oakenfull]

Love this theme, Cap Auth, but wonder if a more specific story might get more votes. I've offered one but feel free to reject, I'm voting for your original anyway wink

James Lennox

19/01/24
6:53pm

comment on caption:
When asked about his heroism during the glue factory explosion, Dave replied "Has anyone got any solvent to get this prick off my back?" [Karen Oakenfull]

Thanks James. That’s much better. I love this edit suggestion option. I’ve written a lot of captions that have the idea, but a re-write can make the world of difference. Plus you learn more about creating better captions.

(caption author)

19/01/24
8:11pm

comment on caption:
When asked about his heroism during the glue factory explosion, Dave replied "Has anyone got any solvent to get this prick off my back?" [Karen Oakenfull]

Is it a Shotgun Wedding, then... or, "Matr AMO ny?"

[anon]

04/02/24
3:11am

comment on caption:
“No bridesmaids then?” [Karen Oakenfull]

I think the one in the middle looks a bit like Alvin Stardust.