£50
WINNER

lol creative clever

Because Mrs Benson had been hiding under the bed at the time of the burglary, the line-up at Clacton police station was somewhat unusual.

17/04/17 8:35:16

Moira had decided to put all her marital problems on the back burner.

06/11/17 8:18:28

clever x4

You don't see this on the continent.

15/10/17 12:44:22

"Excuse me, I'm looking for the hare products, please."

07/12/16 12:16:32

clever

It's a goodyear for ducks.

18/09/17 12:07:48

lol x2

Many selfies are ruined by seagulls with dodgy stomachs.

21/07/17 12:14:24

This picture's very fuzzy.

12/09/17 13:46:34

Ted's 'Iceland with the Northern Lights' holiday was a shambles.

07/09/17 21:24:03

creative clever

The Mac with the Golden Bun.

10/04/17 20:08:23

clever

Errol has a coke habit, but he doesn't get the shakes.

17/11/16 21:06:22

Available at all good farmacies.

10/11/17 21:37:10

Anyone for Limb Casserole?

06/11/17 8:04:22

lol

'Right. Time to pee in the sink.'

23/10/17 21:08:48

Semi-detached with not a lot upstairs.

28/08/17 14:10:38

'Why is it always me who gets saddled with the kids?'

22/08/17 20:03:40

Ruff, Ruff ...

14/08/17 20:08:34

Sonflowers.

26/07/17 12:19:53

Sit on that pouf!
Sit on this, dyke!

24/01/17 12:05:03

lol

Saudis baffled by Boris Johnson's update on Aleppo.

16/12/16 8:08:27

lol x2

The congregation was surprised to see an Adam and the Ants number in the hymn book

09/10/16 12:35:30

Poet Lorryeate.

22/09/17 20:13:12

clever

This is awful. I'm going Chopin. Bach in a minute.

21/09/17 8:25:32

lol

Minehead United's tribute to Princess Diana
spared no expense.

15/09/17 8:29:01

In a modern twist, Cinderella picked up a Chinese takeaway on the way home.

05/09/17 20:17:26

Ice lollies seem to be getting bigger.

21/08/17 8:21:52

Corn on the kerb

07/06/17 20:21:22

lol

Margaret was confused. She was supposed to be getting a new kidney.

07/02/17 8:49:57

lol x2

The fracas over the last mince pie led to some unseemly fisticuffs in the village of Piddly Bottom.

24/10/16 8:58:45

John looked forward to bringing up his son with relish.

27/10/17 8:17:33

Hound of the Basketballs.

26/10/17 8:04:05

clever

'My best ever caption and not a single vote. Well, f**k 'em all. See if I care.'

23/08/17 8:59:44

They're clearly head over heels in love.

02/08/17 12:06:23

Wait till she shows everyone her ring ...

25/07/17 20:23:59

It's an easy place to find. It's near Table Mountain.

04/05/17 9:18:30

Prepare to DIY, Mr Bond.

29/04/17 8:29:23

The industrial revolution.

19/04/17 12:05:02

ELECTION FEVER GRIPS THE NATION!!!

18/04/17 12:20:56

Sick and tyred.

01/04/17 15:59:04

'I have to deliver the mail to that block.'
'How many letters?'
'Oh don't you start.'

06/02/17 13:06:40

You can easily get one of these at Carphone Whorehouse.

26/01/17 12:10:43

-Where's Donald ...?
-He's at some Mickey Mouse event in Washington.

20/01/17 10:32:28

Welcome to Battery Dogs Home.

27/10/16 8:35:25

The parking bay for the Obesity Clinic was always in need of repair.

09/10/16 20:47:15

Stony-faced.

20/08/17 12:26:48

Holly cow!

20/07/17 20:41:53

Jenson Button's sister, Belly, brought shame on the family.

15/06/17 20:39:47

I mean, what IS the difference between Centigrade and Fahrenheit?

24/04/17 13:14:03

Nuremburgers.

03/04/17 12:50:17

This old, weather-beaten bird with piercing eyes and an angry brow is a long way from home, and would eat you alive. The other one is an eagle.

19/03/17 10:01:24

The UK Brexit team arrives in Brussels.

08/03/17 12:09:49

'The thing is, I'm going to need someone with incredibly big fingernails ...'

17/02/17 8:20:58

Some National Trust properties are less welcoming ...

31/01/17 9:24:29

Dump truck.

30/01/17 12:17:53

There's a zebra crossing in a minute.'
'Good. I'm starving.'

07/01/17 23:32:24

He's a Roaming Catholic.

17/12/16 8:41:43

Many tribesmen have a strong belief in the spirit world.

23/11/16 20:15:31

In the smallest pool, you can go wee wee wee, all the way home.

17/11/17 12:12:20

'It's not the first time I've had some animal sniffing around my bush' said Mrs Braithwaite.

26/10/17 8:26:11

Match.com of the day.

02/09/17 8:31:46

'Shall I put the food on your tab ...oh.'

22/08/17 12:22:03

I try to, but it's always too tired afterwards.

21/08/17 12:38:35

'They're yours madam for a small deposit.'

20/08/17 22:27:25

lol

Odourfone.

16/07/17 20:20:38

It was when I tried to breastfeed him in Starbucks that someone called the police.

12/05/17 20:25:04

This is what YOU'd feel like if you had to handle your grandmother's underwear.

12/05/17 12:41:48

-There's a chicken, Mum. Shall we give him a lift?
-No, don't count your chickens before they hitch.

03/05/17 8:37:24

'Grandad! I told you not to SKYPE me when you're doing that!'

28/02/17 20:58:34

The Isle of Man is desperate to keep visitors awake ...

20/02/17 12:21:19

'The Milky Way? I quite like the sound of that ... Byeee!'

11/01/17 8:27:21

lol

Well, it's the nearest I'll ever get to a nice-looking Japanese model ...

21/11/16 20:38:55

"Dan's going to the party as a skeleton and I'm going as a post-modern take on a Kandinsky installation during his Futurist phase circa 1935."

16/11/16 21:24:51

lol

Dorothy carries a sawn-off shotgun in Tarantino's new version of The Wizard of Oz

31/10/16 21:37:41

Hangladesh.

10/11/17 8:22:50

They've got some brass.

04/11/17 12:04:48

To turn it on, remove several layers of clothing.

29/10/17 20:27:03

lol

'Madam ... have you ever made love to a store detective?'

22/09/17 8:31:15

Globetrotter.

19/09/17 9:04:02

I love looking at my wife wearing this stuff. If only she wore it too.

15/09/17 13:37:24

What a waist of good toys.

31/08/17 12:15:14

HS2: Cracks are starting to show.

25/08/17 12:13:20

Alan's decision to become Daphne was greatly helped by the £14.99 grow-your-own-jugs kit from Argos.

21/08/17 20:40:37

-Honeymoon?
-OK. Let me turn round ...

25/07/17 20:27:39

It was bad enough having broccoli for dinner, but mushy peas tipped Becky over the edge.

19/07/17 12:21:34

And don't forget Ivanka the Terrible.

09/07/17 13:27:04

Many Poppins.

31/05/17 8:11:12

lol

While Meg struggled with her five times table, Julie struggled to count her fingers.

14/05/17 20:30:17

The murders had dried up so Miss Marple had to resort to prostitution to make a living.

10/05/17 8:59:24

It had all been going well until he opened the door to Jehovah's Witnesses.

24/04/17 12:48:53

In about 40 years time, it'll be a dried-up, desolate, forbidding place, never to be visited by mankind again ...

13/04/17 13:54:06

-Interested in old Thai temples?
-Yes Siam.

02/03/17 8:32:04

lol

Maybe Dick

22/02/17 12:25:44

clever

Diving into coffee sounds fun, but you could die in an instant.

06/02/17 20:53:44

He's innocent. He's been framed.

06/02/17 8:31:00

lol

Hello, 999? This is Mrs Gascoigne ...

02/02/17 9:30:19

That bastard's nicked my design. I bet he's one of those captioning freaks you hear so much about.

13/01/17 12:12:30

'Yes, everything's the same as usual. I'm just masturbating on the pavement outside the supermarket.'

08/11/17 12:14:50

Eric was sick to death of standing by the lake with a bag of crumbs. He was taking them straight to Greggs.

05/11/17 20:28:52

Helen had always been rubbish at Hide and Seek.

05/11/17 12:29:24

Jo's down in the dumps.

05/11/17 12:05:57

So that's where Ronnie Corbett was buried ...

03/11/17 8:27:30

A vintage poster.

16/10/17 20:12:53

A nice idea from our Japanese contestant. Now let's see what our German chef has done with his white sausage ... oh dear.

13/10/17 20:34:59

-Good business?
-It ebbs and flows.

21/09/17 21:01:32

Go in hard with the tackle.

02/09/17 8:22:43

I understand why the army is being used to do the repair work, but I didn't expect to see so many privates.

25/08/17 12:18:16

Silhouwet.

24/08/17 8:02:55

Pipe dream.

05/08/17 8:30:12

I just hope she isn't topping herself.

26/07/17 8:41:29

Hello. Do either of you need a jolly roger?

11/07/17 10:11:26

You sketch my back and I'll sketch yours.

17/06/17 12:49:37

'Mmmmm. I think I'll get my hair cropped.'

02/06/17 8:32:24

Useful for small bottles of Coca Koala.

28/05/17 21:03:41

The daleks were closing in on all sides, and the bumbling Doctor decided it was time to head back to the Tardis on the beach.

05/05/17 20:26:33

Michelle couldn't understand why nobody had commented on her eye make-up.

07/04/17 9:01:31

Tracy quickly realised she'd have to buy herself a cucumber after all.

27/03/17 20:25:05

WNKR

09/03/17 12:38:42

-It looks very unappetising, kind of thick and scummy. I wouldn't want my children anywhere near it.
-Mmmm, but some people like Manchester.

06/02/17 21:40:55

Well, I always said Pop Art was a load of bollards.

16/01/17 9:38:45

White vans are bog standard these days.

06/12/16 20:04:56

Completely in Seine.

05/12/16 10:21:08

Many local councils are trying to round up stray dogs - some slip through the net.

24/11/16 12:49:18

"Would you like some tea and one of these nice little cakes, vicar?"
"Let's not waste time, Mrs Morris. Take your clothes off."

11/11/16 9:25:29

"It's an Optical Illusion, isn't it?"
"I don't know. Which country makes that?"

01/11/16 8:50:55

lol

Oh Dio. Mi nuevo profesor es Senor Trump ...

09/10/16 9:02:46

'You haven't seen half a dozen blonde saxophonists come past, have you?'

07/11/17 20:31:31

'It looks lovely, Malcolm. It must have cost you an arm and a leg.'

06/11/17 8:10:05

Not a bad swap, thought Harry. But how will the puppies sleep on the pond?

05/11/17 21:33:26

Daycare of the Dead.

02/11/17 12:14:35

Nice, but not as good as Kentucky Fried Children or kebabies.

27/10/17 8:29:34

No wonder Princess Anne isn't on telly much these days.

19/10/17 12:11:10

Try not to catch Daddy in the propellers ... oh well. Never mind.

13/09/17 9:59:52

Wilhemina Connolly, as he now wishes to be known.

08/09/17 8:23:42

Tall, pasty-faced, weird yellow hair. We call it Peter Crouch.

06/09/17 9:08:50

The High Dump is a new event at this year's Olympics.

02/09/17 12:31:32

Purrverts!

21/08/17 12:31:16

'Nice baps.'
'Thanks. And my buns?'

12/08/17 12:08:49

Worst of the Mohicans.

10/08/17 13:30:31

Flat tyres.

04/08/17 20:59:10

It's funny how the thing you really want is always at the bottom.

24/07/17 8:07:41

Maybe the captioneers' day out was a bad idea ...

18/07/17 21:31:14

Buying Happy Meals wearing a Jimmy Savile mask isn't the least bit funny.

12/07/17 8:25:33

Captain Hookers?

11/07/17 8:44:34

'Anyone fancy a night out in Hastings?'
'I'd rather have an arrow in my eye.'

09/06/17 15:39:11

'My wife said she's not cutting her nails until I give up drinking ... whose round is it?'

08/06/17 13:43:28

'Wow. Look at those legs. And I've been wanting a red-striped tracksuit for ages.'

21/05/17 8:44:48

The graveyard shift.

13/05/17 20:14:00

The Rolling Stones celebrate 200 years together.

21/04/17 8:18:51

Amy and Brad's Club Car Cemetery Tour allows dogs to bury and dig up old bones to their hearts' content for as long as you want. Go on, treat your dogs today.

19/04/17 8:46:06

Benched whale.

18/04/17 14:15:15

Rose wasn't going to give up Jack that easily.

17/04/17 20:34:47

Not everyone can fit into their seven-year-old daughter's clothes.

07/04/17 9:05:54

-It's my Oscar.
-No, it's mine. They said my name.
-No, they didn't ... Come back you idiots.

27/02/17 8:53:12

My grandad's Showaddywaddy impression brings most people to tears.

23/02/17 9:29:56

'Reverend, what's good karma?'
'Well, I use a Nikon, but Canons are good.'

01/02/17 8:36:13

Queasyjet.

26/01/17 9:29:48

Royal Mail said 'Mr Hetherington is no longer employed as a postman.'

23/01/17 8:07:23

Yep - most Americans are about to get real screwed ...

19/01/17 8:35:41

The audience for the latest Phil Collins concert were on first-name terms.

18/01/17 12:04:54

What pissed Steve off was the prospect of watching the FA Cup munching on Wainwrights Lamb and Rice Dry Snacks for Healthy Dogs.

06/01/17 20:31:30

It looks like the Queen's Christmas message might be worth watching this year ...

16/12/16 12:42:58

Attention everybody - there's a SWAT team on its way.

15/12/16 12:16:44

It was potentially a deathtrap, but I gladly allowed Jeremy Clarkson to give it a test drive.

06/12/16 14:59:15

'Jack? Do you think we should turn off the sprinklers on the back lawn?'

05/12/16 9:00:24

Jenny was obsessed with filming her husband taking photos of her filming him while he took photos of her filming him as he ... I need to lie down.

01/12/16 13:21:06

"He's on the roof again ..."
"Yeah, well, he's not a kid anymore ..."

30/11/16 8:28:21

"Bikes are ideal for those under 30 stone," said the Mayor of Sunderland, "which is why you never see anybody here riding one."

15/11/16 12:28:36

lol

"Mum, why is there a dead whale on the beach?"
"Ssshhhh! Her name's Camilla."

02/11/16 13:08:51

'I'm OK. Just a bit flushed.'

05/11/17 12:12:28

Some women are attracted to freakish looking animals. Ask my wife.

02/11/17 20:25:31

Great. So what do I do with the neighbours' pets?

01/11/17 8:49:23

Would you like to use the larvaetory?

23/10/17 21:31:01

What the UK is that?

23/10/17 8:52:37

'It's the biggest plane I've ever caught' said Derek. 'I can't wait to tuck in.'

19/10/17 20:32:59

'Hello Joyce. You look like you need a hand.'

17/10/17 8:39:05

He really was the dregs.

16/10/17 12:25:47

'Hello. 5000 towels for Mr Weinstein.'

13/10/17 14:19:49

'Message from Mr Weinstein. Can you take off your clothes, please.'

12/10/17 9:18:43

He's on his way to Limerick.

22/09/17 20:25:52

'Careful, love. Don't trip over Warwick Davies in his dalek outfit.'

22/09/17 8:10:39

Why leave your nose in a box in a wood? It doesn't make any scents.

16/09/17 8:14:59

Wow, what a turn on. Umbrellas really get me going.

15/09/17 12:43:37

Preparations for Brexit Day are under way at Dover.

14/09/17 20:22:46

Well Guy certainly Fawkes.

07/09/17 8:48:20

Families in the 17th century were large because there were no opportunities to stay up late to watch Big Brother, Match of the Day or Babestation.

07/09/17 8:24:32

The cream of the crop.

06/09/17 8:21:05

Nice idea but he gets all hot under the collar.

21/08/17 12:37:09

'That guy did a hell of a dump. The supermarket's going to be closed for weeks.'

18/08/17 20:05:11

'It's a special bumper edition full of funny jokes by the royal family, Teresa May and Jeremy Clarkson.'

17/08/17 8:59:44

Pug-nacious.

05/08/17 12:05:52

Metal fatigue.

02/08/17 9:11:26

- I need a carpet to match. How about a shag?
- OK, then we'll talk carpets.

28/07/17 21:30:51

In Wales, for some reason, you always see blokes standing around behind the sofa.

28/07/17 20:58:50

- How many storeys does your building have?
- Can't you read? There's one every Thursday.

16/07/17 8:12:08

Absolutely Fab!

15/06/17 8:56:11

Now that Joan had won 'Last one alive buys the icecreams', she was more confused than ever.

12/06/17 21:02:24

Brexit negotiating team in rehearsal.

04/06/17 20:50:46

-Can you see what it ...?
-Back in the van, Mr Harris.

31/05/17 12:46:56

'My name's Boris Johnson. Will you be voting
...?'

22/05/17 20:14:50

Naseema found it tricky coming up with a caption for the picture, which showed herself finding it tricky coming up with a caption for a picture which showed herself finding it ...

15/05/17 12:11:00

It was a shock for the midwife, never mind me.

12/05/17 20:15:12