Jonathan Allsopp

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	lol creative clever Because Mrs Benson had been hiding under the bed at the time of the burglary, the line-up at Clacton police station was somewhat unusual. 17/04/17 7:35:16	14 23
Amazing. The comments mean a lot more than the 50. Very kind. May the silliness long continue!Thanks. --Jonathan Allsopp
	Moira had decided to put all her marital problems on the back burner. 06/11/17 8:18:28	20

	clever x4 You don't see this on the continent. 15/10/17 11:44:22	8 20
It seems to be holding its own --Mr Dome
	"Excuse me, I'm looking for the hare products, please." 07/12/16 12:16:32	17

	clever It's a goodyear for ducks. 18/09/17 11:07:48	15

	lol x2 Many selfies are ruined by seagulls with dodgy stomachs. 21/07/17 11:14:24	15

	This picture's very fuzzy. 12/09/17 12:46:34	14

	Ted's 'Iceland with the Northern Lights' holiday was a shambles. 07/09/17 20:24:03	13

	creative clever The Mac with the Golden Bun. 10/04/17 19:08:23	13

	clever Errol has a coke habit, but he doesn't get the shakes. 17/11/16 21:06:22	1 13
My dad's a failed epileptic. No great shakes. --Michael Monkhouse
	Available at all good farmacies. 10/11/17 21:37:10	12

	Anyone for Limb Casserole? 06/11/17 8:04:22	12

	lol 'Right. Time to pee in the sink.' 23/10/17 20:08:48	12

	Semi-detached with not a lot upstairs. 28/08/17 13:10:38	12

	'Why is it always me who gets saddled with the kids?' 22/08/17 19:03:40	1 12
Because you're an easy rider --Mr Dome
	Ruff, Ruff ... 14/08/17 19:08:34	12

	Sonflowers. 26/07/17 11:19:53	12

	Sit on that pouf! Sit on this, dyke! 24/01/17 12:05:03	12

	lol Saudis baffled by Boris Johnson's update on Aleppo. 16/12/16 8:08:27	12

	lol x2 The congregation was surprised to see an Adam and the Ants number in the hymn book 09/10/16 11:35:30	6 12
Ridicule is nothing to be sacred .... (no typo) --Mr Dome
	Poet Lorryeate. 22/09/17 19:13:12	11

	clever This is awful. I'm going Chopin. Bach in a minute. 21/09/17 7:25:32	37 11
Don't forget your Liszt --Vivvy En
	lol Minehead United's tribute to Princess Diana spared no expense. 15/09/17 7:29:01	7 11
Every time I look at this I chuckle again. Thank you caption author. :) --Pussy Galore
	In a modern twist, Cinderella picked up a Chinese takeaway on the way home. 05/09/17 19:17:26	11

	Ice lollies seem to be getting bigger. 21/08/17 7:21:52	11

	Corn on the kerb 07/06/17 19:21:22	11

	lol Margaret was confused. She was supposed to be getting a new kidney. 07/02/17 8:49:57	11

	lol x2 The fracas over the last mince pie led to some unseemly fisticuffs in the village of Piddly Bottom. 24/10/16 7:58:45	1 11
That'd be on Boxing Day, right? --Pussy Galore
	John looked forward to bringing up his son with relish. 27/10/17 7:17:33	10

	Hound of the Basketballs. 26/10/17 7:04:05	10

	clever 'My best ever caption and not a single vote. Well, f**k 'em all. See if I care.' 23/08/17 7:59:44	1 10

	They're clearly head over heels in love. 02/08/17 11:06:23	10

	Wait till she shows everyone her ring ... 25/07/17 19:23:59	10

	It's an easy place to find. It's near Table Mountain. 04/05/17 8:18:30	10

	Prepare to DIY, Mr Bond. 29/04/17 7:29:23	10

	The industrial revolution. 19/04/17 11:05:02	10

	ELECTION FEVER GRIPS THE NATION!!! 18/04/17 11:20:56	2 10
He's stillness got more chance of getting in than Corbyn. --Boycie
	Sick and tyred. 01/04/17 14:59:04	10

	'I have to deliver the mail to that block.' 'How many letters?' 'Oh don't you start.' 06/02/17 13:06:40	10

	You can easily get one of these at Carphone Whorehouse. 26/01/17 12:10:43	10

	-Where's Donald ...? -He's at some Mickey Mouse event in Washington. 20/01/17 10:32:28	1 10
Ducking the parade? --John Glover
	Welcome to Battery Dogs Home. 27/10/16 7:35:25	10

	The parking bay for the Obesity Clinic was always in need of repair. 09/10/16 19:47:15	10

	Stony-faced. 20/08/17 11:26:48	9

	Holly cow! 20/07/17 19:41:53	3 9
I think he's steering well clear of it. --John Glover
	Jenson Button's sister, Belly, brought shame on the family. 15/06/17 19:39:47	9

	I mean, what IS the difference between Centigrade and Fahrenheit? 24/04/17 12:14:03	9

	Nuremburgers. 03/04/17 11:50:17	4 9
They're on trial - and you have to hang around to get one. --Jonathan Allsopp
	This old, weather-beaten bird with piercing eyes and an angry brow is a long way from home, and would eat you alive. The other one is an eagle. 19/03/17 10:01:24	9

	The UK Brexit team arrives in Brussels. 08/03/17 12:09:49	9

	'The thing is, I'm going to need someone with incredibly big fingernails ...' 17/02/17 8:20:58	9

	Some National Trust properties are less welcoming ... 31/01/17 9:24:29	9

	Dump truck. 30/01/17 12:17:53	9

	There's a zebra crossing in a minute.' 'Good. I'm starving.' 07/01/17 23:32:24	9

	He's a Roaming Catholic. 17/12/16 8:41:43	9

	Many tribesmen have a strong belief in the spirit world. 23/11/16 20:15:31	9

	In the smallest pool, you can go wee wee wee, all the way home. 17/11/17 12:12:20	8

	'It's not the first time I've had some animal sniffing around my bush' said Mrs Braithwaite. 26/10/17 7:26:11	8

	Match.com of the day. 02/09/17 7:31:46	8

	'Shall I put the food on your tab ...oh.' 22/08/17 11:22:03	8

	I try to, but it's always too tired afterwards. 21/08/17 11:38:35	1 8
Yuk! The cat that got the cream --Mark England
	'They're yours madam for a small deposit.' 20/08/17 21:27:25	8

	lol Odourfone. 16/07/17 19:20:38	8

	It was when I tried to breastfeed him in Starbucks that someone called the police. 12/05/17 19:25:04	1 8
Even worse, my name's Alan and I'm the manager. --Jonathan Allsopp
	This is what YOU'd feel like if you had to handle your grandmother's underwear. 12/05/17 11:41:48	3 8
I've heard the Siemens stain removal function is good too --Mr Dome
	-There's a chicken, Mum. Shall we give him a lift? -No, don't count your chickens before they hitch. 03/05/17 7:37:24	8

	'Grandad! I told you not to SKYPE me when you're doing that!' 28/02/17 20:58:34	8

	The Isle of Man is desperate to keep visitors awake ... 20/02/17 12:21:19	8

	'The Milky Way? I quite like the sound of that ... Byeee!' 11/01/17 8:27:21	8

	lol Well, it's the nearest I'll ever get to a nice-looking Japanese model ... 21/11/16 20:38:55	8

	"Dan's going to the party as a skeleton and I'm going as a post-modern take on a Kandinsky installation during his Futurist phase circa 1935." 16/11/16 21:24:51	8

	lol Dorothy carries a sawn-off shotgun in Tarantino's new version of The Wizard of Oz 31/10/16 21:37:41	1 8
â™« If I only had some braaaiiinnssss â™« --Michael Winner
	Hangladesh. 10/11/17 8:22:50	7

	They've got some brass. 04/11/17 12:04:48	7

	To turn it on, remove several layers of clothing. 29/10/17 20:27:03	7

	lol 'Madam ... have you ever made love to a store detective?' 22/09/17 7:31:15	7

	Globetrotter. 19/09/17 8:04:02	7

	I love looking at my wife wearing this stuff. If only she wore it too. 15/09/17 12:37:24	7

	What a waist of good toys. 31/08/17 11:15:14	7

	HS2: Cracks are starting to show. 25/08/17 11:13:20	7

	Alan's decision to become Daphne was greatly helped by the Â£14.99 grow-your-own-jugs kit from Argos. 21/08/17 19:40:37	7

	-Honeymoon? -OK. Let me turn round ... 25/07/17 19:27:39	7

	It was bad enough having broccoli for dinner, but mushy peas tipped Becky over the edge. 19/07/17 11:21:34	7

	And don't forget Ivanka the Terrible. 09/07/17 12:27:04	1 7

	Many Poppins. 31/05/17 7:11:12	7

	lol While Meg struggled with her five times table, Julie struggled to count her fingers. 14/05/17 19:30:17	7

	The murders had dried up so Miss Marple had to resort to prostitution to make a living. 10/05/17 7:59:24	7

	It had all been going well until he opened the door to Jehovah's Witnesses. 24/04/17 11:48:53	7

	In about 40 years time, it'll be a dried-up, desolate, forbidding place, never to be visited by mankind again ... 13/04/17 12:54:06	7

	-Interested in old Thai temples? -Yes Siam. 02/03/17 8:32:04	7

	lol Maybe Dick 22/02/17 12:25:44	7

	clever Diving into coffee sounds fun, but you could die in an instant. 06/02/17 20:53:44	7

	He's innocent. He's been framed. 06/02/17 8:31:00	7

	lol Hello, 999? This is Mrs Gascoigne ... 02/02/17 9:30:19	7

	That bastard's nicked my design. I bet he's one of those captioning freaks you hear so much about. 13/01/17 12:12:30	7

	'Yes, everything's the same as usual. I'm just masturbating on the pavement outside the supermarket.' 08/11/17 12:14:50	6

	Eric was sick to death of standing by the lake with a bag of crumbs. He was taking them straight to Greggs. 05/11/17 20:28:52	6

	Helen had always been rubbish at Hide and Seek. 05/11/17 12:29:24	1 6

	Jo's down in the dumps. 05/11/17 12:05:57	6

	So that's where Ronnie Corbett was buried ... 03/11/17 8:27:30	6

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Jonathan Allsopp

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