"No, Martin, you're not Harry Potter and there is not a dementor on your shoulder sucking out your soul. Please try to hold it together, you're live on air."

26/05/17 8:53:56

"Yes, I love you too darling. Must dash; I have to hand over my phone to this gentleman before he shanks me whatever that means."

26/05/17 8:10:11

"Hi, is that the wizard of Oz?, I can bring your unicorn back this afternoon and i'll pick up my tomatoes and... What the f@ck are they burning?"

26/05/17 7:42:02

Striped Lives Matter

26/05/17 13:51:17

Now the news at ten...BONG

26/05/17 8:10:40

"Yes Boss, next I'm gonna interview a witness, a Mr Ze Bra."

26/05/17 7:50:24

High?

26/05/17 7:04:51

Yep that's me. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.

30/05/17 4:14:47

"Hello Honey. Your prescription has just gone up".

27/05/17 14:43:00

"Worried? No dear, I'm having a riot!"

26/05/17 15:37:06

"Yeh, me and my blood are going to drop the orange ones, then he's going to spliff up before we do the off licence and go party with his crew."

26/05/17 9:05:10

Smoke On The Reporter.

26/05/17 8:55:08

"They were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off."

26/05/17 8:36:27

Chap on the right looks like he's Bad News.

26/05/17 8:17:02

"Keep off the grass?"

26/05/17 8:11:04

'Hello, is that the pharmacy? I've got a serious problem with my arson.'

26/05/17 7:41:53

A prescription for violence?

26/05/17 7:39:37

Bah humbug!

26/05/17 7:35:36

The owner said ... "I knew I should never have bought the place next to Molotov's Cocktail Bar"

26/05/17 7:30:19

"Look, Someone's taken a Whitey..."

26/05/17 7:26:11

"Yes boss i'll take the job in Syria"

26/05/17 7:21:22

"You'll have to excuse me, I've got this annoying twitch on my shoulder."

26/05/17 7:21:14

I only torched the place because there wasn't a pair of Boots in the store.

26/05/17 7:20:23

What a looter

26/05/17 7:15:46