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"Michelangelo! Stop playing with your food!"
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Mauris Iocus Vote score: 364Mauris Iocus

"Michelangelo! Stop playing with your food!"

Wed 12:03:20

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 13234Dave Bryan

BREAKING NEWS: Glasgow police ban Halloween mask after local population terrorised.

Wed 12:42:30

 3
It was no Halloween mask the police banned, it was a mirror. That's why the Glasgow police don't use mirrors on their shields any more, it'd cause a running stampede of rioters (if there were any, ever) --Glyn Evans
Dave Bryan Vote score: 13234Dave Bryan

''This passport photograph is invalid. There's no date on it.''

Wed 12:02:26

 
Stephen Bean Vote score: 14725Stephen Bean

"I gather this is the first time you've seen your husband since the accident. Please be aware he's been left in a vegetative state."

Wed 12:00:10

 1
"Man! I could have had a V8!!!" --Mauris Iocus
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 3253Scrijjy Doo

Face Plant

Wed 17:41:25

 
Vivvy En Vote score: 7167Vivvy En

As kids we tend not to like veg but as you get older it grows on you

Wed 12:43:19

 
Glyn Evans Vote score: 7551Glyn Evans

"Oh my God! Some monster's decapitated the Jolly Green Giant!"

"Not to worry, I can see a pulse"

Wed 12:35:26

 
Stephen Bean Vote score: 14725Stephen Bean

Citizen Kale

Wed 12:12:49

 
Mark Wilson Vote score: 2456Mark Wilson

Before I became a police sketch artist I was a farmer

Wed 15:39:55

 1
Never really wanted to do police sketches, had my eye on culinary arts. --Mauris Iocus
Al Overy Vote score: 3782Al Overy

Bob was delighted. He'd been given garden leave with full celery.

Wed 16:25:34

 
Ian Skelding Vote score: 24040Ian Skelding

"Eat your grins."

Wed 12:29:04

 
Chris Keegan Vote score: 10317Chris Keegan

Dave felt much better after getting the jab, apparently it was one of his Pfizer day.

Wed 12:00:12

 
Vivvy En Vote score: 7167Vivvy En

My barber used to be a greengrocer. I asked him for a crop.

Wed 13:57:59

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 33439Tony Edwards

"Soylent Green is people!"

Wed 12:55:19

 
The Wolf Vote score: 10855The Wolf

"That's a nasty skin allergy, Dave. Let me grab the first aid box and I'll get you a dressing"

Wed 12:44:46

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 13234Dave Bryan

His mother was a Swede.

Wed 12:28:35

 
The Wolf Vote score: 10855The Wolf

"I've told them bloody kids time and time again. Don't leave your marbles on the greenhouse floor"

Wed 12:17:38

 
The Wolf Vote score: 10855The Wolf

Tom had recently had a face transplant.

Wed 12:12:45

 
Stephen Bean Vote score: 14725Stephen Bean

Al Otment

Wed 12:07:36

 
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 14306Vanessa the Guesser

I ate him earlier - he's just passing through.

Wed 12:07:01

 
Al Overy Vote score: 3782Al Overy

"I'm suspicious about that new employee. I think he's a plant."

Wed 12:05:17

 1
Yeah, but he's perfect to work here at the plant. --Mauris Iocus
The Wolf Vote score: 10855The Wolf

Vegetar-ian

Wed 12:00:15

 
Molly R Vote score: 2508Molly R

I suspect Brian has rather overdone the veganism.

Wed 12:00:08

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 3253Scrijjy Doo

Where's his cucumber?

Thu 1:00:41

 
Gavin Smithers Vote score: 431Gavin Smithers

The black eyed peas

Wed 21:44:07

 1
Dill.i.am --Troompa Loompa
Fozzgog B. Vote score: 504Fozzgog B.

"Are you ok Dave? You've gone very green"

Wed 21:31:22

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 11099Mr Dome

- How come your features look like vegetables?
- it's just how they grocer

Wed 19:36:06

 
Al Overy Vote score: 3782Al Overy

Mr Green, in the dining room with the knife.

Wed 16:54:40

 
C CaMel Vote score: 6851C CaMel

Dave is now vegetarian.

Wed 16:53:52

 
Karyn Harrison Vote score: 5446Karyn Harrison

"What's he like Mavis?"

"He's a real tasty geezer."

Nod to the Piglets

Wed 16:41:29

 
Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 11516Neil Mackenzie

When the light catches your hair in a certain way and people ask is there a bit of ginger in there?

Wed 16:39:24

 
Chris Halliwell Vote score: 5315Chris Halliwell

How was your day dear?

Not bad but I'm feeling a bit cabbaged.

Wed 16:13:04

 
Chris Halliwell Vote score: 5315Chris Halliwell

Say Peas!

Wed 16:11:11

 
Mark Wilson Vote score: 2456Mark Wilson

You sure these face masks help your complexion

Wed 15:46:05

 
Mark Wilson Vote score: 2456Mark Wilson

My late father loved his allotment, I sometimes think he's watching over me

Wed 15:38:42

 
Mauris Iocus Vote score: 364Mauris Iocus

"Do you mind if I share a few words about the Green Party?"

Wed 14:05:58

 
alexandra ball Vote score: 998alexandra ball

He's not as green as he's cabbage looking.

Wed 14:04:18

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 3253Scrijjy Doo

Tosser Salad

Wed 13:30:14

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 3253Scrijjy Doo

Vegetable for Life

Wed 13:28:57

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 3253Scrijjy Doo

Don't have a cow.

Wed 13:27:16

 
Dot Old Vote score: 1389Dot Old

Veg Varney

Wed 12:50:05

 
Ian Skelding Vote score: 24040Ian Skelding

"Lovely presentation, but it needs a jus with plenty of body."

Wed 12:42:52

 
Troompa Loompa Vote score: 19469Troompa Loompa

🎶 I want to be your sledgehammer...🎶

Wed 12:34:19

 
James Lennox Vote score: 7646James Lennox

"Ha ha, look luv, they've made my salad into a face. What have they done with your sausage and meatballs?"

Wed 12:29:10

 
Ian Skelding Vote score: 24040Ian Skelding

Happy meal

Wed 12:27:39

 
Greg Curtis Vote score: 6458Greg Curtis

"I'm NOT playing with my food; it's playing with ME..."

Wed 12:23:47

 
Tony S Vote score: 754Tony S

Alopecia studies show that wearing a vegetable face mask will help you to sprout hair.

Wed 12:22:50

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 11099Mr Dome

How will I recognise you?

Wed 12:19:49

 
Stephen Bean Vote score: 14725Stephen Bean

Unfortunately Dave died after some bunny took a bite out of his carrot-id artery.

Wed 12:16:52

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 11099Mr Dome

Doug?

Wed 12:13:20

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 11099Mr Dome

Faceplanted

Wed 12:12:47

 
Peter Houle Vote score: 285Peter Houle

Dave couldn't face eating his veg.

Wed 12:11:23

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 33439Tony Edwards

"I won't eat anything with a face."

Wed 12:07:46

 
The Wolf Vote score: 10855The Wolf

"My new Halloween mask is great for scaring the crap out of obese people."

Wed 12:06:14

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 11099Mr Dome

- He's stolen those cheeks from someone surely?
- Yes. They're Tom's

Wed 12:05:32

 
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 14306Vanessa the Guesser

The Bakewell Tart admits he's one of her 5 a day.

Wed 12:01:36

 
Ellen Duncalf Vote score: 667Ellen Duncalf

Veganu Gary.

Wed 12:01:13

 
Ellen Duncalf Vote score: 667Ellen Duncalf

Someone’s taking the peas.

Wed 12:00:22

 
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