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Two meeters
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Dan Nicholls Vote score: 15341Dan Nicholls

Two meeters

24/09/20 21:51:37

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11812Dave Bryan

''I haven't seen my family for weeks.''

''Because of the restrictions?''

''No, I just f-cking hate them.''

24/09/20 20:10:30

 
Chris Keegan Vote score: 9472Chris Keegan

"I have to say Sue, these new rules do have their advantages, I can hardly smell your breath from here"

24/09/20 20:52:12

 
Karyn Harrison Vote score: 5078Karyn Harrison

Distant cousins

24/09/20 20:15:20

 
stone face Vote score: 8190stone face

"Finally got to see my daughter after lockdown.
It was so nice two metre."

24/09/20 20:04:07

 
Crunchy Chords Vote score: 4089Crunchy Chords

"Right. On Saturday we'll have a threesome with my husband and his two penises."
"And on Sunday we'll share my husband and the two vibrators in his arse."

24/09/20 20:00:12

 
Stu Dent Vote score: 4549Stu Dent

A sign of the times

24/09/20 20:00:08

 
Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 11068Neil Mackenzie

Dave’s younger girlfriend understood 2m, while his older lady friend understood 6 foot, but they weren’t going to fall out over Dave’s 6 and 3/4 inches.

24/09/20 20:16:23

 
Ellen Duncalf Vote score: 212Ellen Duncalf

”I suppose we should be grateful for the decent weather. All this social distancing suits me just fine because I can’t stand you and I never have.”

24/09/20 20:13:08

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 10271Mr Dome

Despite potential love interest Penelope looking younger than 68, Jackie (46) thought there was too much of a gap between them

24/09/20 22:53:45

 
James Lennox Vote score: 6356James Lennox

Beware of arrows fired at genital areas.

24/09/20 20:10:22

 
Hercules  Rockefeller Vote score: 7110Hercules Rockefeller

"Where's your mask at? Nobody wants to see your smile."

24/09/20 20:01:24

 
Molly R Vote score: 2155Molly R

"I've sat here all week, but no sign of a six-foot man yet."
"Same here."

24/09/20 20:00:28

 
Greg Curtis Vote score: 6212Greg Curtis

"If you don't mind, I'm also 'emotionally-distancing.'"

25/09/20 2:52:28

 
Al Overy Vote score: 1618Al Overy

"What would you say are the main benefits of the park?"

"I feed the pigeons, I sometimes feed the sparrows too.
It gives me a sense of enormous well-being…"

24/09/20 22:08:35

 1
🎵🎵🎵 --Barrie Bullock
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 2755Scrijjy Doo

Caution: Arrows shooting at people's crotches.

24/09/20 20:43:45

 
Sheila  Graham Vote score: 313Sheila Graham

Spreading the gossip

25/09/20 10:26:13

 
Al Overy Vote score: 1618Al Overy

Originally installed to deter cottaging, the sign was moved when the men's toilets shut.

24/09/20 23:09:11

 
Vivvy En Vote score: 6507Vivvy En

"It means it takes two people to hug this tree...shall we?"

24/09/20 20:49:44

 
The Wolf Vote score: 8753The Wolf

"Don't worry Janet. I've heard that Ann Summers is creating a 2 metre and 60 centimetre double ended dildo. We'll soon be having fun again"

24/09/20 20:11:59

 
Karyn Harrison Vote score: 5078Karyn Harrison

Parkwives

24/09/20 20:08:46

 
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 13288Vanessa the Guesser

Banksy has done his latest artwork on the back of Victoria Beckham's head.

24/09/20 20:06:20

 
Al Overy Vote score: 1618Al Overy

WARNING: Do not insert part C into hole B

24/09/20 20:01:03

 
Ian Skelding Vote score: 23084Ian Skelding

"I can't fathom all these rules and regulations."

24/09/20 20:00:18

 
Anthony Smith Vote score: 83Anthony Smith

"Nice of them to install a few seats isn't it?"
"That's right. I got here 2 hours ago and the queue has hardly moved."

24/09/20 21:52:39

 
Al Overy Vote score: 1618Al Overy

"I think it's been a very measured response from the council."

24/09/20 21:35:59

 
John  Glover Vote score: 20942John Glover

"Imperial or metric, twelve inches is twelve inches."

24/09/20 21:18:46

 
Willie Johnson Vote score: 1883Willie Johnson

Men and women are wound up differently.

24/09/20 21:16:56

 
alexandra ball Vote score: 735alexandra ball

People weren't paying any attention to the signs so more eye catching dramatic measures had to be taken. The two women are so proud their husbands are the models.

24/09/20 21:07:31

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 2755Scrijjy Doo

Fortunately the rule only applies to straight black men.

24/09/20 20:42:36

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 2755Scrijjy Doo

Pee 2 meters away from someone farting.

24/09/20 20:41:32

 
The Wolf Vote score: 8753The Wolf

"Ok, I'll keep an eye out for the Police and when the coast is clear, you run over and give me a sandwich out of the bag. Clear?"

"What? Who the f*ck are you?"

24/09/20 20:25:28

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 32660Tony Edwards

Lollipop attendants

24/09/20 20:20:00

 1
Are lollipop attendants now known as traffic stop attendants? Because I get that attendant is gender neutral, but surely with lollipop isn't that advertising sweets to kids? - Lol. I hope nobody reads this and takes it seriously enough to try and... --Glyn Evans
Glyn Evans Vote score: 6983Glyn Evans

Anon and me became vigilantes today. We heard that there was this guy, pretty obvious, near schools trying to lure kids with candy. The newspapers headlines later read, VIGILANTES BEAT UP LOCAL LOLLIPOP LADY. We nicked her lollipop and converted it, so only we know where it is. We were so clever in hiding it that we decided to take a picture of ourselves with it.

24/09/20 20:17:11

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 32660Tony Edwards

Thelma and Louise have got the measure of each other.

24/09/20 20:16:46

 
Glyn Evans Vote score: 6983Glyn Evans

They're journalists doing a bench press.

24/09/20 20:07:15

 
The Wolf Vote score: 8753The Wolf

Meanwhile, in a Coronavirus free world, the local council implement measures to protect people from friends with smelly feet...

24/09/20 20:06:15

 
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 13288Vanessa the Guesser

"It's all a bit of a wind-up."

24/09/20 20:00:59

 
Stu Dent Vote score: 4549Stu Dent

Their husband's are like dogs with two dicks

24/09/20 20:00:45

 
Stephen Bean Vote score: 12272Stephen Bean

"I don't know about you, but it was a lot more fun when they used to allow blokes with 6ft trouser snakes."

24/09/20 20:00:30

 
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