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Michael Monkhouse

signed up: 8 years, 5 months ago
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votes given since joining: 2,008
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Born in the North, bred in the South, educated at Cambridge, bored in Germany for a bit, now happily settled in the Eternal City...

My career spans over five jokes. I've trodden the boards at Footlights, performed and written in Italy, and once got a smile out of a German.

Currently in my very late thirties, I'm enjoying this chance to spread my wings and burn my fingers.

To send a private message to Michael please log in

captions

Typical bloke - one bird and he gets carried away.

05/08/12 10:39:02

creative

I'm feeling a little run down.

29/06/15 7:58:49

Ah the lakes, the mountains, the paths... Sorry, I'm rambling.

19/05/12 10:20:40

Even Stephen Hawking needs a day off.

05/09/15 11:51:55

What a lovely comment. Thank you!They say Stephen Hawking's so intelligent he can pick up anything strauiht away. Well, I dropped a sheaf of papers, bugger all. --Michael Monkhouse

Great, I'll post my caption last week.

03/01/14 11:10:23

Thanks. ;-)http://www.caption.me/core/sounds/voteBeep.wav --Guideaux

creative

These 'Spot the balls' contests get harder and harder.

10/11/13 10:10:16

lol

Worst Avatar remake ever.

30/11/14 9:22:56

creative

Next: Jesus swept.

13/05/13 9:09:06

There must be easier ways of telling your parents you're gay.

29/06/12 10:22:24

The tortoise wins again.

25/04/12 6:21:58

Alice in Slumberland.

11/07/15 7:04:31

lol

Is it just me, or are prostitutes getting worse?

17/02/15 13:18:50

The worst thing about working for Vanish is the company car.

15/07/13 9:00:22

Wonder how it ends.

25/11/12 12:04:36

Masturbation's easy when your dick's this big.

01/12/16 16:23:53

Tit for tot.

17/08/15 14:13:25

Back in '98, auditions were held to replace Geri.

12/07/15 12:53:36

Your all-in-one Spice Girl.

21/11/14 13:45:04

Worst John 'n' Yoko tribute ever.

25/06/14 10:26:19

Very Scary Spice.

27/02/14 7:21:51

Arson fire? It will be in a minute.

07/01/14 10:09:45

Strange, normally the kilt CONCEALS the dick head.

21/11/13 12:13:53

Bad news, your son was electrocuted. Good news, I put it on Youtube, called it a Harlem Shake, he's got 496 likes.

08/04/13 7:11:41

Tell me what you want, what you wheelie wheelie want.

27/12/16 17:39:08

As you get older, achieving orgasm becomes more complex.

13/12/15 9:16:15

101 Fun Things to Do With Your Own Vomit, Part 62.

04/09/15 9:26:32

Well at least there are no flies on me.

10/08/15 13:15:57

All creatures grated small...

08/03/15 9:50:14

It was bad enough waking up with a hangover; then I got a proper look at who I shagged last night.

21/11/14 13:44:34

They weren't the same after Geri left.

13/09/14 12:03:53

Shouldn't've gone to Specsavers.

12/05/13 11:13:49

The great thing about working for Toys R Us is the company car.

15/04/12 6:38:38

You're history mate!

11/12/11 9:41:32

I'm sorry, I'm still not convinced you're Robert De Niro.

01/01/14 10:22:04

Priests have to be sneakier these days.

16/12/13 10:07:22

Bin there? Drummed that.

02/09/13 7:17:37

Well, we did call him Cliff.

01/08/13 15:42:48

Pailface.

09/06/13 8:24:23

I don't know what's come over me, but I think it's Martian.

12/05/13 11:16:36

Meetin' two veg.

16/07/12 13:59:30

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

07/06/12 13:47:25

Arson fire? No, just my head.

06/12/11 14:16:43

I'm feeling a little run down.

08/08/16 15:37:00

Tit for twat.

05/07/16 7:02:29

Isle of Man.

04/04/16 7:49:11

They weren't the same without Sporty and Baby.

29/03/16 8:30:04

Even Madonna needs to relax sometimes.

08/10/15 7:15:41

When I said I wanted a cowgirl...

11/08/15 12:08:23

Unsafeway.

14/07/15 7:35:36

Nice to see you again, http://www.caption.me/261755.

22/12/14 7:45:37

Thank you very much. --Michael Monkhouse

Puss in Boot.

09/04/17 13:35:51

Here's another nice mesh you've gotten me into.

14/02/17 15:52:44

lol

That's taking the piss.

16/11/16 14:08:10

Break during 'The Wizard Of Oz'.

02/12/15 10:04:08

These 'odd-one-out' contests get easier and easier.

12/09/15 7:04:43

Dial the number with your free hand.

31/08/15 7:01:02

Oh sheet.

04/07/15 8:07:18

Chad: The Early Years.

26/06/15 11:56:35

After 30 years in the biz, the Pet Shop Boys were desperate.

25/06/15 14:44:49

There's something phony about this.

14/06/15 7:42:36

Room for just one more straw?

26/04/15 14:56:48

It works. You'll never wank again.

21/04/15 11:12:18

On your marks... and Spencers...

22/02/15 9:17:01

These 'odd-one-out' contests get easier and easier.

03/02/15 18:12:27

After 7 years, Lady Gaga was getting desperate.

15/01/15 17:13:11

Is it wrong to masturbate over this?

09/12/14 8:11:36

Yes, if you stood on that roof to masturbate the neighbours would call the police & have you arrested or then again they may just toss you off. --Barrie Bullock

Priests have to be sneakier these days.

07/11/14 10:41:58

Pane 'n' the ass.

01/07/14 10:03:15

I'd like a bowl of salad. - With relish? - MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm, I'd llllllike a bowwwwwl of ssssalllllllllad.

27/05/14 14:45:56

Bugger, this is the same breakfast I had tomorrow.

11/03/14 9:04:11

Is that you, Jasper?

05/02/14 9:20:14

The Silver Surfer's dropped a bollock again.

02/12/13 12:24:48

Plastic 'oh no' band.

24/11/13 10:55:22

When I asked to see yer tackle...

25/06/13 8:44:25

Four hours later Tony decided it wasn't really Leslie Ash.

23/04/13 9:34:48

When I asked you to put him in a nutshell...

11/12/12 12:06:55

Putting the tart before the horse.

18/08/12 7:19:12

There must be easier ways to catch crabs.

11/04/12 10:44:26

I wanted to see her bear behind.

23/12/11 9:41:38

She'll get carried away in a minute.

24/10/11 20:09:20

Will the real Posh stand up.

16/01/17 15:01:16

Even Victoria Beckham has a vice.

08/12/16 8:07:16

Gulliver was welcome till he ejaculated.

29/11/16 8:33:02

Gulliver cums again --sandeep chahal

I'm all ears.

03/11/16 13:57:03

Finger food.

06/09/16 11:01:19

Jammy Carr.

30/08/16 12:10:13

Arson fire? Yes, and the rest of him.

08/08/16 9:18:03

I'm not allowed to make any innuendos for a day. It's long and hard but I'll pull it off.

01/07/16 15:05:45

40 years and Kit Williams is still full of himself.

22/06/16 8:55:42

Catholic anti-wank measures go too far.

13/06/16 10:40:06

Even Obama needs to relax sometimes.

09/02/16 8:24:05

As you get older, attaining orgasm becomes more difficult.

03/02/16 9:26:45

I just ejaculated on my toes. Tidings of come, foot and joy.

29/12/15 9:36:56

What's the name of that frog-like little animal in village ponds? Mmmm - it's on the tip of my tongue...

13/12/15 16:36:13

They piss there too.

02/12/15 17:32:51

Another snooker fan rivetted to the screen.

20/11/15 9:39:33

When he writes texts, does he use punk-tuation?

07/10/15 18:17:00

Once a priest, always a priest.

28/09/15 19:52:23

They weren't the same after Geri left.

25/09/15 9:46:49

My best fart yet.

22/09/15 7:50:22

I should have chosen a better moment to introduce my boyfriend to my parents.

22/09/15 7:46:36

Where seagulls dare.

13/09/15 7:16:09

Is it just me, or are dildos getting more inventive?

04/08/15 12:49:24

Will the real Sarah Jessica Parker step forward?

31/07/15 11:38:09

Poundland.

25/07/15 11:12:49

Only one of these failed the Jamiroquai tribute audition.

25/07/15 11:06:53

Priests have to be cleverer these days.

03/07/15 10:21:50

You Winston, you lose some.

19/06/15 7:48:49

Doh!

18/06/15 7:31:35

C*ntortionist.

04/06/15 16:07:12

Yeah right, you might fly too.

30/05/15 8:48:38

Four pounds eighty is also how much you put on after eating it.

22/05/15 17:59:57

Suddenly... I'm not half the man I used to be...

18/05/15 7:27:37

What's this, some kind of cowboy outfit?

26/04/15 14:59:12

There must be easier ways to stroke your mole.

19/04/15 11:39:19

When I told you to make a bolt for the door...

31/03/15 16:12:29

Fortunately I have a sink in my room.
Unfortunately I still have to wipe my arse afterwards.

17/03/15 17:23:47

Gulliver was welcome till he needed a piss.

14/02/15 13:23:03

I'm sorry, I'm still not convinced you're Steve McQueen.

14/10/14 14:10:47

I'm sorry, I'm still not convinced you're Rihanna.

10/08/14 12:34:13

Very Old Spice.

17/07/14 8:39:34

Still can't get the hang of these selfies.

28/04/14 9:16:24

Worst Laurel and Hardy tribute ever.

25/02/14 9:41:54

Wait till you try their Spotted Dick.

24/11/13 10:59:00

Your erection's on the wrong way.

29/09/13 11:00:56

You baaaaaaaaaaaaastard.

21/07/13 8:43:18

The great thing about working for Alcoholics Anonymous is the company car.

24/12/12 12:48:02

There must be easier ways to tell your parents you're gay.

17/12/12 14:09:13

When I asked for a camp site...

12/12/12 12:30:37

Google 'cute wet bird comes out of her shell', you may be disappointed.

28/11/12 12:19:35

Being from Lilliput has certain advantages.

25/11/12 10:23:48

Just made a bolt for the caf�.

17/10/12 7:43:49

After sixty years, Wile E Coyote was desperate.

16/09/12 7:52:34

Arson fire? No just me torch.

23/07/12 11:04:46

Welcome to Sellafield.

19/07/12 11:52:27

Lost: John Merrick's condom.

24/06/12 11:21:11

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be...

10/06/12 10:10:35

Four skin.

06/06/12 15:52:13

Socket to me!

02/06/12 18:30:52

Don't worry, he'll only take one. He's French, one egg is un'oeuf.

17/04/12 10:27:02

This one always puzzled Santa.

17/04/12 8:34:26

I like listening to the red hot chili peppers.

15/03/12 9:49:49

Unsafeway.

31/01/12 9:30:40

Spring's in the air.

30/01/12 10:44:04

If you find any unattended bags...

12/01/12 12:52:02

Another slap-up Christmas feast for Kate Moss.

04/12/11 12:46:32

Sue the plastic surgeon.

02/12/11 9:53:22

This browser doesn't accept cookies.

18/11/11 16:30:39

Mothematics.

16/10/11 10:59:24

In our survey, 53% of Chicago confessed to low literary skills. The rest didn't understand the question.

12/10/11 11:40:46

Terror-wrists.

19/09/11 20:25:47

It's no good, you're old and this is a new trick.

07/08/11 10:01:12

Your all-in-one Spice Girl.

12/10/14 7:37:41

If I can't ride Sarah Jessica Parker...

07/10/14 15:54:47

Slowest selfie ever.

04/08/14 8:01:03

Scary wasn't the same after the Spice Girls split.

20/07/14 6:46:15

Even Hindu goddesses have to be updated sometimes.

21/04/14 9:48:16

Is it just me, or has Victoria Beckham let herself go?

13/04/14 11:11:23

Bashing the bishop.

02/03/14 6:30:11

It took 287 years but they finally grew a buttplug for Gulliver.

18/02/14 8:34:40

I preferred the original Gervais and Merchant.

10/02/14 12:12:08

I'm disappointed in this photo, it always ends in defeat.

02/02/14 18:07:51

Your all-in-one Spice Girl.

20/11/13 10:19:15

Your jacket ist sehr dirty! It has Ein stain.

11/11/13 11:12:47

Another packed house for the Spice Girls reunion tour.

06/10/13 10:27:19

Hi I know your father www.caption.me/143540

29/09/13 10:41:47

My dad's embarrassing enough, then he has to bring his boyfriends over too.

18/08/13 7:13:30

A wee little girl.

18/08/13 7:12:43

Spoiler alert: The priest catches both of them.

14/07/13 11:01:47

Should've chosen a better time to go down on my girlfriend.

14/07/13 8:32:02

It took forty six years but they finally found a dildo for the 50-foot woman.

08/07/13 8:32:16

Looks more like a Coil to me. It might be good for screwing. --Neil Mackenzie

Google 'Two fat cows and a little pussy', you may be disappointed.

17/06/13 11:10:54

There must be easier ways to tell your parents you're gay.

14/04/13 19:02:32

Have you ever had your clothes checked?

25/03/13 7:31:10

Cops and Rubbers.

04/03/13 8:30:39

There must be easier ways to tell your parents you're gay.

22/01/13 9:12:41

There must be easier ways of telling your parents you're gay.

21/11/12 16:32:32

There must be easier ways to tell him it's that time of the month.

20/11/12 8:08:46

Don't drive that, you're absolutely plastered.

13/07/12 8:42:28

I'll drop you off here.

09/07/12 11:57:54

Bad news, your son's gay. Good news, he has 4827 'Likes' on Facebook.

06/07/12 10:07:52

The bad news is, you're son's clinically insane. Good news is, he's on Facebook and got 4598 'likes'.

28/06/12 7:21:51

Truckin' hell!

18/06/12 10:08:07

Let's get this baby on the road.

14/06/12 10:09:20

Spring's in the air.

05/06/12 10:12:25

He's always had his Epsom Downs.

03/06/12 8:32:37

Well, you googled 'Bare with shiny helmet'.

22/05/12 12:29:38

Google 'wet bird with naked body', you may be disappointed.

16/05/12 9:17:09

Blue tit.

07/05/12 15:41:49

Listen you lot, why don't you pick on someone your own size?

28/04/12 8:18:50

What's the difference between these and Jedward? These are cookie runts.

24/04/12 17:17:10

These condoms come in different colours. Wish I could.

17/04/12 8:33:30

Not all sex changes are successful.

01/04/12 10:11:47

Please say hello to my detachable penis.

29/02/12 11:25:26

Too camp instructors.

22/02/12 16:19:45

There must be easier ways of laughing all the way to the bank.

28/01/12 18:16:28

After being forbidden to fart for 20 years, Helena Bonham Carter finally let rip.

23/01/12 11:29:47

You're not cut out for this job.

22/01/12 15:03:03

Let's get the truck out of here.

20/01/12 14:28:59

Poker face.

05/01/12 21:11:16

more captions

last comments (total: 46)

Or best, maybe.....??

Mr Dome

03/10/16
10:01am

comment on caption:
Worst Lady Gaga tribute ever. [Michael Monkhouse]

Would that be Watford?

John Glover

15/10/16
6:48pm

comment on caption:
Mind the gap. [Michael Monkhouse]

I said “I need SOME dough, a fiver will do.”

Andrea Hickling

31/10/16
8:34am

comment on caption:
Sorry. I thought you said, I knead the dough. [Michael Monkhouse]

Gulliver cums again

sandeep chahal

29/11/16
8:41am

comment on caption:
Gulliver was welcome till he ejaculated. [Michael Monkhouse]

No, it's a caption.

Michael Winner

13/01/17
12:46pm

comment on caption:
This is not a photograph. [Michael Monkhouse]

Or best....

Mr Dome

05/02/17
6:46pm

comment on caption:
Worst Spice Girls tribute ever. [Michael Monkhouse]

I missed this one.. damn!!

Mr Dome

06/02/17
10:42pm

comment on caption:
Not all sex changes are successful. [Michael Monkhouse]

It took me a minute to get this but the penny finally dropped.

Pussy Galore

26/03/17
7:21pm

comment on caption:
I got diarrhea. Down in the dumps. [Michael Monkhouse]

The Mighty Bush (weed)

(Ps. good lookalike 😊😳)

Mr Dome

05/04/17
5:23am

comment on caption:
I preferred him with Noel Fielding. [Michael Monkhouse]

Wanker.

[anon]

22/04/17
11:41am

comment on caption:
Is it so wrong to masturbate over this? [Michael Monkhouse]

more comments

Michael Monkhouse

best latest latest and best captions

last comments (total: 46)

captions