lol

"We are gathered here today to remember Reg and to take warning that in these days not everything left on the beach that is sausage-shaped is a sausage"

11/08/20 21:41:51

lol

"And are you soft, strong and very, very long?"

Like the former Andrex puppy hadn't heard that chat up line a million times before

10/09/20 22:01:54

lol

"Dear Mail Order Bride.com. My wife-to-be arrived in double quick time. However, I feel that your packaging policy needs to be reviewed and that the addition of air-holes might be something you need to look into"

06/10/20 22:21:56

One of the many reasons you never buy a kitten on Ebay

20/08/20 22:03:27

"Really Gramps? There was milk right on the doorstep just waiting to be pecked at? That's so cool!"

21/09/20 22:12:47

"Yes - I believe the artist was inspired by the pan-demic"

24/08/20 21:06:12

Our adopted Vogon baby! Of course this was taken 25 years ago. We are still filling in the paperwork - only 1384 forms to go

29/04/20 22:33:04

Dear Mr Jones
We at Jurassic World would like to offer our profound apologies for the incident with the pterodactyl. We will of course cover your dry cleaning costs and would like to offer you 20 per cent off your next visit

30/03/20 22:20:31

"I'm having the slime of my life"

12/08/20 21:36:54

If it's all the same to you I'd rather not know where mushy peas come from

20/07/20 21:53:12

Rex is finding out the hard way that you do not piss up against an Ent

09/06/20 21:47:23

"So let me get this straight. Your master is a 'good and smart master' - this is the same master who tied you to a jet ski right?"

08/05/20 14:48:57

Jim was staring into a dark future where the only hip joints he would experience were those implanted by an orthopaedic surgeon

09/09/20 21:23:41

Now she realized why the instructions on the boob tube had been 'dry clean only'

21/08/20 22:04:37

"In the event of an emergency the exits from the gondola are here, here and well just about anywhere"

16/08/20 22:08:02

As accustomed as the Addam's Family were to the weird and bizarre. It was still a shock when Thing's mother showed up

04/08/20 22:06:00

That awkward moment when your friend tries to convert you to naturism

30/06/20 21:26:04

"Yes sir it was a nasty hit and run. I'm sorry but we don't have anything concrete on it yet"

11/05/20 22:40:04

creative

McGregor

I have your little sprouts.

Two dozen lettuces by midnight tomorrow - fresh no caterpillars. Come alone.

Peter

07/05/20 22:06:13

Chin and tonic

08/04/20 21:16:20

The Don't Care Bear

06/04/20 21:51:29

He just burst out my chest! Can we keep him?

21/03/20 16:55:37

lol

Unwashed feet and a full nappy - Ted just couldn't bear it anymore

13/07/20 22:01:52

From their very first meeting Escher knew this was the woman for him

12/07/20 22:25:01

After being struck by lightning the rogue lawn mower left its owner face down in the mud, caused a lorry to mount the side of a tunnel and absolute carnage at the local tennis club.

10/06/20 22:12:31

clever

"He's behind me isn't ....."

31/05/20 22:08:40

"Hey - have we still got that letter from Boris Johnson?"

21/04/20 22:14:41

Pornhub might be offering its content for free but its quality had declined accordingly

03/04/20 22:29:16

A cartoonist's worst nightmare - the blank bubble

22/03/20 18:35:23

Eventually he hoped to be promoted to the cabinet

21/08/20 22:16:56

"You might as well talk pussy - we know all about the honey, the money and the five pound note. That owl sang like a canary"

20/08/20 21:57:38

"I need it! I want it! Give it to me - give it to me now!"

"Jane - it's been 2 hours, go get a nicotine patch"

17/08/20 21:30:13

Putting ferrets down her trousers was one of Calamity Jane's lesser known talents

03/08/20 21:41:42

The investigation into the illegal puppy farm had taken its inspiration from 'Spy in the Wild' but minus the budget and technical know-how

15/07/20 21:52:00

"So Mr Aesop would you care to revise the ending of that f*%king fable of yours?"

25/06/20 22:13:44

When Little Weed's TV career ended she was forced into posing for seedy pictures

03/05/20 22:30:29

"Is that really ... OMG it is the Pink Panther! He's absolutely wasted - quick get a photo!"

15/04/20 20:58:54

No one would have believed in the early 2020s that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's. That is until they left a very nice review on Trip Advisor.

24/09/20 21:34:34

While racking his brains for a caption for two tits on a bird bath Jim totally failed to notice the pair on the window sill

23/09/20 22:21:19

Later that same wedding when the groom finds out about the stag do, the pregnancy, the mother-in-law and the cock

23/09/20 22:13:29

"I've got a charity shop hat and coat, wrinkled stockings and a cart with wonky wheels. Maybe I should be charging more than tuppence a bag"

14/09/20 21:59:57

Five Go Trolling

19/08/20 21:51:10

When traffic wardens dream

05/08/20 21:21:05

"Phew - she bought the bag. Trust me - in the next few minutes that will be the best 5p you've spent today"

30/07/20 21:27:35

WALL-E couldn't deny being in the strip club. But claimed he'd vacuumed up the white dust on the floor completely out of habit

27/07/20 21:25:20

clever

Purrberus

07/07/20 21:45:18

"Did this jigsaw in 2 weeks - it said 4-6 years on the box"

01/07/20 21:25:58

"By the smell of it kid - your litterbox needs a clear out as well"

09/06/20 21:51:41

Let us take care of your nest egg

07/06/20 22:02:42

Dominick Cummings believed that even the laws of gravity did not apply to him

05/06/20 22:50:03

I will neither shave nor cut my hair until Dominic Cummings apologises and resigns

25/05/20 22:17:12

If you'd just been cured of haemorrhoids you'd be celebrating as well

15/05/20 22:12:58

With my looks I'd be opting for the Kindle edition

14/05/20 22:39:45

"He followed us home - but we really don't want to keep him!"

08/05/20 15:45:23

Ghost Rider was having that dream again where he was naked and on a motorcycle that wouldn't start.

08/05/20 14:39:14

creative

Christmas in the Escher household

27/04/20 21:52:38

We're going to need a bigger ball

03/04/20 23:12:18

In these trying times even the Cheshire Cat can't raise a grin

31/03/20 20:58:56

Before landing the electrified Kia gig Bert was making a meagre living as a feather duster

Thu 21:59:35

" ... very dangerous and ahould not be approached. We repeat - a pensioner was found cooked in her own oven. The two young suspects are very dangerous and should not be approached"

08/10/20 22:01:19

"The DNA test came back - I'm not the monkey's uncle I'm the father!"

05/10/20 22:16:57

"Well you've come down to the woods today - why aren't you more surprised?"

21/09/20 22:07:49

Just my luck - adventure comes calling and it's the TURDIS with Dr Pooh

11/09/20 21:15:37

Tom was forced to demolish his bird trap because he had not applied for planning purrmission

09/09/20 21:35:45

From a very early age Boris Johnson was riding somebody else's coattails

27/08/20 21:26:14

He combines salty language with a peppery temper

23/08/20 22:24:43

Jane's brussel sprout and cabbage vindaloo bought the house down

19/08/20 21:40:11

I've walked a mile in his shoes and now I understand - that my big brother has the sweatiest, stinkiest feet in the whole world.

16/08/20 22:05:37

Dear Jack

The beanstalk wasn't the only thing your "magic beans" produced.

You also owe a year's child support.

The Giant

13/08/20 21:38:17

"Keep a sharp look out men. The ass-assin is lurking around here somewhere"

11/08/20 21:54:04

After the "nuclear fart" incident the Phall curry from Jim's local takeaway was taken off the menu and banned under the Geneva Convention

04/08/20 22:02:40

Due to his anatomical deficiencies Ken had been hedging the issue of sex for some time

21/07/20 21:52:21

50 shades of grain

21/07/20 21:25:31

At the Game of Thrones convention Ghost's price list was as follows: Photo £15, Selfie £20, Leg hump £35

20/07/20 21:59:29

It was not a good place to put down roots. It was a hell hole where the only water you got was from the dog and the only fertilizer from the cat

14/07/20 21:35:01

The mutant Shredded Wheat had grown to an enormous size, broken out of the kitchen and had now acquired a taste for human flesh

14/07/20 21:16:54

I'm guessing that you really don't want to go back work after your furlough ends

10/07/20 22:07:19

"I'm sorry Penny - I can't invest any more in this relationship"

07/07/20 21:41:06

"There's no easy way to say this - the seagull got you good and proper. You'll be needing a B-A-T-H"

03/07/20 21:20:02

Sandra had told them she was suffering from hot flashes - but not how bad they were

30/06/20 21:28:28

Crush Hazard Jones really wished his parents had picked a more romantic spot for his conception

26/06/20 22:34:02

With the money he saved from quitting smoking little Georgie bought a pet whose neck would not be so easily wrung

24/06/20 21:47:03

The committee of the Guinness Book of World Records verifying a claim to the world's largest dust bunny

19/06/20 22:32:58

It's very surprising just who shows up at the auditions for Mission Impossible

07/06/20 22:06:37

Chickens of the world unite - you have nothing to lose but your yolks

07/06/20 22:03:42

"Please hold. Your abduction is important to us. Please hold"

03/06/20 21:30:05

The British version of Wacky Races never really caught on

01/06/20 21:39:47

"We shall chase each other on the beaches, we shall chase each other in the fields and in the streets, we shall chase each other in the hills; we shall never surrender!"

18/05/20 21:39:39

In the near future a whole industry will be born around celebrating the end of the Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020.

15/05/20 22:16:41

A new face delivers the government's daily briefing.

15/05/20 22:06:13

"A hot dog - take it or leave it. The last customer did both"

15/05/20 21:49:01

Captain Tom's groupies are now taking things to the extreme.

11/05/20 22:30:46

Welcome to the Turdis. It has more toilet paper inside than there is available outside.

06/05/20 22:09:14

Happy it's Christmas - why yes I ham!

05/05/20 19:25:52

Great Cthulhu! Your worshipers welcome your awakening - but we really think you should lose the hat

01/05/20 22:16:58

The hills are alive with the sound of screaming

26/04/20 21:47:42

"I'm telling you I don't care who she is or what 'special skills' she has. I am not returning the teddy or giving up the chance of a ransom of a whole tin of Celebrations!"

26/04/20 21:46:35

We can now see why the goatherd was lonely

26/04/20 21:34:22

"His last Deliveroo drop off officer? Let me see - it was a Mr and Mrs Lyons in Twycross"

24/04/20 22:04:32

I guess the alligators got fed after all

14/04/20 21:41:47

"Excuse me - Have you heard the good moos about God?"

07/04/20 21:12:21

"What would you say to Americans who are scared by your new look Mr President?"

"I say that you're a terrible photographer"

06/04/20 22:21:49

"So - got any holidays planned sir?"

06/04/20 22:11:31

These hopefuls have camped out overnight in order to audition for the Pooping Pooches calendar 2021

06/04/20 21:46:22

When he finally lets that tufty-eared bird go - I'll be ready!

31/03/20 21:26:18

Okay I'll have a stab at it

27/03/20 22:07:38

The life of hedonism fueled by his new found wealth had taken its toll on the Andrex puppy

24/03/20 19:49:00

Although he was desperately trying to think of a witty caption for the latest photo his mind remained a complete blank.

22/03/20 18:34:01

Banana nana, nana, nana - BATMAN!!

Thu 21:53:37

He would never fork-get that terrible scene

Wed 21:06:56

Its hard to sit back and enjoy your favourite programme with a grizzly kid hanging around

08/10/20 21:51:14

"Honestly you young zombies - you don't know you're dead! I won't take that attitude from someone who's still warm!"

16/09/20 21:13:39

"Hurry up with those extra spots - that 18 rated film starts in a few minutes!"

15/09/20 21:35:27

"Come in Enterprise - Yes Scotty is definitely pissed that he didn't get shore leave"

10/09/20 21:57:43

Mary had a little lamb
She loved it well - the lass
And the special bond between the two?
They both were into grass

08/09/20 22:04:42

The existential dread of not being part of the eight out of ten cats who prefer Whiskas

08/09/20 21:56:48

Looks like the Lady of the Lake is all in favour of the hosepipe ban

08/09/20 21:46:28

When you defecate a small child you have to wonder what you've Eton

27/08/20 21:30:26

"Beware the dark web? There 's no wifi signal up here - idiot yokel!"

23/08/20 22:37:07

Playing this version of Jenga takes balls

06/08/20 21:52:47

Although Mary could never discuss her work in Area 51. The contacts she had made meant her wedding was embarrassing Uncle John-less

28/07/20 22:22:27

"Balance my chakras Hoppy? Nah the vet took my chakras 3 years ago"

27/07/20 21:39:00

This previously unseen photograph shows the sixth horseman of the apocalypse (third from left) who left the group before they became famous

22/07/20 21:51:14

This choir is very diverse and the longer you listen to them diverse it gets

13/07/20 21:47:28

Bei Bei was eager to show those zoo keepers that he finally had wood

06/07/20 21:46:26

Levitation for Dummies

29/06/20 21:51:23

If you see Mr Tambourine Man - tell him his wife has come following him

25/06/20 22:18:57

"It's all very well inventing a wearable time machine Herbert - but not a lot of use when the only year you can blend in is 2020"

24/06/20 22:43:58

In this situation the prize cock was on the other side of the camera

19/06/20 22:12:14

A bird in the van is worth two on the bus

17/06/20 21:58:55

Super-liar-Dominic-excuses-were-atrocious

06/06/20 9:25:05

"Okay son - you can keep him. But when he ravages downtown Tokyo it'll be you clearing up the mess"

01/06/20 22:17:38

It's so rude when people overtake and then give you the bird

01/06/20 21:50:31

"There's no doubt about it - this coronavirus is testing positive for exposure to Dominic Cummings"

31/05/20 22:26:45

Here at A.D.D. (Academy for Dad Dancing) we will teach you all the skills you need to thoroughly embarrass the whole family. Don't delay - sign up today!

27/05/20 21:36:39

"Put some energy into it Mary - imagine it's Dominic Cummings' face"

25/05/20 22:02:42

"One more crack from you beanpole and ... just remember whose teeth is closest to whose groin!"

21/05/20 21:37:41

Scratch and sniff or sniff and scratch? Decisions, decisions.

20/05/20 22:10:51

"A sauce! A sauce! My kingdom for a sauce!"

20/05/20 21:15:06

"Why oh why didn't I make custard pies today?"

17/05/20 21:57:41

So that's where the government's COVID 19 policies are made!

15/05/20 21:33:50

Having turned up to the hot rod show Pete couldn't understand why everyone kept just driving past him.

13/05/20 21:56:18

Hot rod

13/05/20 21:54:27

On their time trip to 2020 James Kirk had been arrested for soliciting, indecent exposure and various violations of social distancing rules - but as usual Scotty's transporter timing was impeccable

13/05/20 21:42:19

Grandma stop fannying about!

11/05/20 22:27:50

"If you don't put that away I will get your tongue!"

08/05/20 16:04:54

They always wondered why Captain Green's squad knew their semaphore so throughly

06/05/20 22:00:29

Hey these are for Myanus not Uranus!

06/05/20 21:57:47

"Don't worry egg - it's all going to be ok. I'm sure I heard one of them say something about soldiers being here soon"

05/05/20 19:22:59

"I have a visual on the seagull nest. I have eyes on the phone, the car keys and the chihuahua. Ready to deploy on your mark"

30/04/20 21:28:44

I know that facial reconstruction company was cheap - but they really have only given us the bare bones

26/04/20 21:30:53

"Okay grandpops I think you need to resync the NAT for the DMZ in order to avoid TCF of the edge firewall or have you tried switching it off and switching it on again?"

24/04/20 22:24:18

"So are you going to tell me where that weed is or are we going to have a game of Loves Me, Loves Me Not"

22/04/20 21:07:22

"Young Transformers today - don't know they're born. In my day we had to put ourselves together with string and sticky tape from any old thing we could find in the scrapyard and like it!"

21/04/20 22:19:28

"Of course the dog wants to go on another walkies - His face was all like this I swear!"

19/04/20 22:24:31

I could have sworn I smelled the finest bullshit but found out it was just a bunch of humans in suits talking crap.

19/04/20 22:22:02

"Fred - you might want to stop the dog impersonation now. Our stay at home human is looking at us very oddly and I don't think that stringy thing in his hand is a new cat toy"

19/04/20 22:12:40

I know that a Spanish fly doing the flamenco is a bit of a cliche but I get such a buzz out of it.

19/04/20 21:49:44

The work of Banksy's apprentice shows much improvement over the cat but could still do better.

19/04/20 21:24:20

Banksy's apprentice still has a lot learn

17/04/20 22:46:37

Shouting out comments like "Phwoar you little minks" and "What an erminger" was only a sample of their otterly disgusting behaviour

15/04/20 21:58:30

It was worth drinking enough to see pink elephants so he could boast about how much more famous he was

15/04/20 20:55:53

Picking on someone because of their weight is such a cheep shot

13/04/20 22:48:26

Look at you! That expensive shampoo and conditioner was worth shelling out on

13/04/20 22:38:35

But that means we won't see them later

13/04/20 22:30:32

Beer goggles can make even Medusa look attractive but can't spare you the consequences of trying to hit on her

07/04/20 21:22:53

It was a double blow to find out that not only did his son not have super powers but his wife was having an affair with the Invisible Man

07/04/20 21:00:48

Don't miss our companion calendar - Krapping Kitties

06/04/20 22:08:40

"My wife an old bag! How dare you rubbish her like that!"

02/04/20 21:41:33

Going out on the piss with Gulliver was great fun - until it wasn't

02/04/20 21:17:28

He saw that photo of Vincent Capretta on the Caption Me site and he's never been the same since

01/04/20 21:56:37

When the 'Spirit of Brexit' sculpture was unveiled there was little doubt which camp the artist was in

01/04/20 21:39:40

A mouthful of duct tape helps to keep the noise down
Keep the noise down
Keep the noise down
A mouthful of duct tape helps to keep the noise down
And saves Daddy's sanity!

31/03/20 20:56:11

Damn! My usual escape method isn't going to work - I've already crapped on his car

28/03/20 17:45:43

The sixty dollar man

28/03/20 14:10:42

Note to self - Should not have let Ant Man organize my stag do

27/03/20 22:12:19

These boots are made for toddling and that's just what they'll do

25/03/20 22:14:05

Although five rolls of toilet paper were a different deal to the vet's thermometer at least they were warmer

24/03/20 19:55:00

Report: Our race's first abduction of an earthling. Conclusion: It will be our last.

21/03/20 18:07:59

Wonder if she's going to Krakow?

21/03/20 17:46:42