It was all going well until she suggested taking things upstairs

09/11/20 21:25:43

lol

"We are gathered here today to remember Reg and to take warning that in these days not everything left on the beach that is sausage-shaped is a sausage"

11/08/20 20:41:51

lol

"And are you soft, strong and very, very long?"

Like the former Andrex puppy hadn't heard that chat up line a million times before

10/09/20 21:01:54

lol

"Dear Mail Order Bride.com. My wife-to-be arrived in double quick time. However, I feel that your packaging policy needs to be reviewed and that the addition of air-holes might be something you need to look into"

06/10/20 21:21:56

creative

We're going to need a bigger red dot

20/10/20 20:46:08

One of the many reasons you never buy a kitten on Ebay

20/08/20 21:03:27

lol

"Take us to your leader"

"Now isn't a good time - you might want to come back in February"

20/11/20 22:01:34

I am trying to find out why Daddy likes bars so much. Well it certainly isn't the taste!

16/11/20 21:00:53

"Really Gramps? There was milk right on the doorstep just waiting to be pecked at? That's so cool!"

21/09/20 21:12:47

"Yes - I believe the artist was inspired by the pan-demic"

24/08/20 20:06:12

Our adopted Vogon baby! Of course this was taken 25 years ago. We are still filling in the paperwork - only 1384 forms to go

29/04/20 21:33:04

Dear Mr Jones
We at Jurassic World would like to offer our profound apologies for the incident with the pterodactyl. We will of course cover your dry cleaning costs and would like to offer you 20 per cent off your next visit

30/03/20 21:20:31

Remember Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
The spider that made her scram
Her best friend Eliza
Sat down beside her
And put it on Instagram

06/01/21 20:33:04

"I'm having the slime of my life"

12/08/20 20:36:54

If it's all the same to you I'd rather not know where mushy peas come from

20/07/20 20:53:12

Rex is finding out the hard way that you do not piss up against an Ent

09/06/20 20:47:23

"So let me get this straight. Your master is a 'good and smart master' - this is the same master who tied you to a jet ski right?"

08/05/20 13:48:57

Who'd have thought that Peter Pan was anti 5G

Thu 21:45:09

It was hard to deny the allegations of greyhound doping when Speedy finished a race wearing the rabbit

30/12/20 21:32:02

Thanks to the volume of urine produced by trapped lorry drivers Kent now has a new navigable river

22/12/20 21:06:27

Dave was completely gobsmacked when "I'll finish it tomorrow" was nominated for the Turner Prize

17/12/20 20:06:39

Jim was staring into a dark future where the only hip joints he would experience were those implanted by an orthopaedic surgeon

09/09/20 20:23:41

Now she realized why the instructions on the boob tube had been 'dry clean only'

21/08/20 21:04:37

"In the event of an emergency the exits from the gondola are here, here and well just about anywhere"

16/08/20 21:08:02

As accustomed as the Addam's Family were to the weird and bizarre. It was still a shock when Thing's mother showed up

04/08/20 21:06:00

That awkward moment when your friend tries to convert you to naturism

30/06/20 20:26:04

"Yes sir it was a nasty hit and run. I'm sorry but we don't have anything concrete on it yet"

11/05/20 21:40:04

creative

McGregor

I have your little sprouts.

Two dozen lettuces by midnight tomorrow - fresh no caterpillars. Come alone.

Peter

07/05/20 21:06:13

Chin and tonic

08/04/20 20:16:20

The Don't Care Bear

06/04/20 20:51:29

He just burst out my chest! Can we keep him?

21/03/20 16:55:37

One of the disadvantages of a classical education is that Boris Johnson must have some idea of what awaits him in the after life.

06/01/21 21:22:25

Real housewives of Barnet

15/12/20 20:31:10

Where will you be when the laxatives kick in?

11/11/20 21:07:50

lol

"Her ectoplasm has just broken - get a para-medic now!"

02/11/20 21:10:38

lol

Unwashed feet and a full nappy - Ted just couldn't bear it anymore

13/07/20 21:01:52

From their very first meeting Escher knew this was the woman for him

12/07/20 21:25:01

After being struck by lightning the rogue lawn mower left its owner face down in the mud, caused a lorry to mount the side of a tunnel and absolute carnage at the local tennis club.

10/06/20 21:12:31

clever

"He's behind me isn't ....."

31/05/20 21:08:40

"Hey - have we still got that letter from Boris Johnson?"

21/04/20 21:14:41

Pornhub might be offering its content for free but its quality had declined accordingly

03/04/20 21:29:16

A cartoonist's worst nightmare - the blank bubble

22/03/20 18:35:23

Q-Anon Barbie (MAGA hat and pussy grabbing Ken sold separately)

07/01/21 21:21:38

The Brexit Deal explained through interpretive dance

28/12/20 21:48:14

"Thank you so much for the arms, eyes and nose - I don't look like such a dick now"

08/12/20 20:46:24

lol

"Ha! That Spy in the Wild - they'd never fool us would they Dave? Dave? are you listening to me?"

10/11/20 21:21:22

Stealing from penguins was easy - they were always so gullible

04/11/20 21:37:20

Eventually he hoped to be promoted to the cabinet

21/08/20 21:16:56

"You might as well talk pussy - we know all about the honey, the money and the five pound note. That owl sang like a canary"

20/08/20 20:57:38

"I need it! I want it! Give it to me - give it to me now!"

"Jane - it's been 2 hours, go get a nicotine patch"

17/08/20 20:30:13

Putting ferrets down her trousers was one of Calamity Jane's lesser known talents

03/08/20 20:41:42

The investigation into the illegal puppy farm had taken its inspiration from 'Spy in the Wild' but minus the budget and technical know-how

15/07/20 20:52:00

"So Mr Aesop would you care to revise the ending of that f*%king fable of yours?"

25/06/20 21:13:44

When Little Weed's TV career ended she was forced into posing for seedy pictures

03/05/20 21:30:29

"Is that really ... OMG it is the Pink Panther! He's absolutely wasted - quick get a photo!"

15/04/20 19:58:54

If William Shatner had seen this at 20,000 feet it wouldn't have been a nightmare

Thu 21:56:42

After a dose of LSD the water was a lot less troubled

28/12/20 21:41:05

We're just waiting for Chucky and Annabelle then we can really get this party started.

03/12/20 21:30:56

"Oh yes I can see it - your future rocks!"

29/11/20 21:54:29

"What's that Flipper? You've been eaten by a shark?"

23/11/20 21:58:18

When Dave's "inflatable chick" finally arrived it was not what he'd expected

19/11/20 20:11:13

Even after the zombie apocalypse there was still a queue for the ladies toilet

11/11/20 21:16:21

When a new photo appears on caption.me it's only a matter of time before Gulliver shows up

04/11/20 21:51:02

"After taking these measurements I'm not sure we can continue to call her The Little Mermaid"

26/10/20 21:28:04

No one would have believed in the early 2020s that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's. That is until they left a very nice review on Trip Advisor.

24/09/20 20:34:34

While racking his brains for a caption for two tits on a bird bath Jim totally failed to notice the pair on the window sill

23/09/20 21:21:19

Later that same wedding when the groom finds out about the stag do, the pregnancy, the mother-in-law and the cock

23/09/20 21:13:29

"I've got a charity shop hat and coat, wrinkled stockings and a cart with wonky wheels. Maybe I should be charging more than tuppence a bag"

14/09/20 20:59:57

Five Go Trolling

19/08/20 20:51:10

When traffic wardens dream

05/08/20 20:21:05

"Phew - she bought the bag. Trust me - in the next few minutes that will be the best 5p you've spent today"

30/07/20 20:27:35

WALL-E couldn't deny being in the strip club. But claimed he'd vacuumed up the white dust on the floor completely out of habit

27/07/20 20:25:20

clever

Purrberus

07/07/20 20:45:18

"Did this jigsaw in 2 weeks - it said 4-6 years on the box"

01/07/20 20:25:58

"By the smell of it kid - your litterbox needs a clear out as well"

09/06/20 20:51:41

Let us take care of your nest egg

07/06/20 21:02:42

Dominick Cummings believed that even the laws of gravity did not apply to him

05/06/20 21:50:03

I will neither shave nor cut my hair until Dominic Cummings apologises and resigns

25/05/20 21:17:12

If you'd just been cured of haemorrhoids you'd be celebrating as well

15/05/20 21:12:58

With my looks I'd be opting for the Kindle edition

14/05/20 21:39:45

"He followed us home - but we really don't want to keep him!"

08/05/20 14:45:23

Ghost Rider was having that dream again where he was naked and on a motorcycle that wouldn't start.

08/05/20 13:39:14

creative

Christmas in the Escher household

27/04/20 20:52:38

We're going to need a bigger ball

03/04/20 22:12:18

In these trying times even the Cheshire Cat can't raise a grin

31/03/20 19:58:56

Miss Muffet's desensitisation therapy was still at a very early stage

06/01/21 20:24:13

If the Brexit deal was a boat.

29/12/20 21:44:19

You had to admit that Cousin It's baby photos were adorable

29/12/20 21:27:50

Emma's attempt to escape from tier 4 lands her in deep water

22/12/20 21:24:07

"That worm made my feathers stand on end! Wonder why that lawnmower blew up though?"

08/12/20 20:30:42

How do you know I eat a lot of mullet?

08/12/20 20:08:53

I said a curly-wurly not a curly-burdy

08/12/20 20:08:15

Statler: I want to take these socks home with me

Waldorf: Keep your money - you're just suffering from Sock-Home syndrome

03/12/20 21:42:04

"If you don't stop pushing me around I'm going to .. I'm going to steal your money run away to sea and marry an owl. Then you'll be sorry"

30/11/20 21:38:49

I know school sports days are getting ever more competitive - but cheating at the wheelbarrow race is going a bit far

27/11/20 21:49:38

It was love at first sight - but necking was going to be a problem

25/11/20 21:37:28

"I've got to fly - I can't spare any more time for your tall stories"

25/11/20 21:35:44

It's at times like this you wish you had another pair of hands

23/11/20 21:30:46

When the curse of the Mummy fell upon them they couldn't say they hadn't been warned

20/11/20 22:05:54

Exsperminate!

09/11/20 21:38:19

Willie Stroker: The early years

06/11/20 21:28:33

"I'm giving her a 7.7 - the takeoff was good, the pike position well executed. But the entry was sloppy and her top didn't fall down"

29/10/20 21:21:03

"Bluetooth?"

"Yeah - the dye got everywhere"

28/10/20 21:50:06

Trying to sell Rodney was one of Delboy's very first get rich quick schemes

28/10/20 21:18:27

"Can you explain this to me - the tree gets balls and you took mine!"

26/10/20 21:09:38

Cindy was beginning to think that the pre Comic con bottomless prosecco brunch had not been a good idea

21/10/20 19:42:35

Before landing the electrified Kia gig Bert was making a meagre living as a feather duster

15/10/20 20:59:35

" ... very dangerous and ahould not be approached. We repeat - a pensioner was found cooked in her own oven. The two young suspects are very dangerous and should not be approached"

08/10/20 21:01:19

"The DNA test came back - I'm not the monkey's uncle I'm the father!"

05/10/20 21:16:57

"Well you've come down to the woods today - why aren't you more surprised?"

21/09/20 21:07:49

Just my luck - adventure comes calling and it's the TURDIS with Dr Pooh

11/09/20 20:15:37

Tom was forced to demolish his bird trap because he had not applied for planning purrmission

09/09/20 20:35:45

From a very early age Boris Johnson was riding somebody else's coattails

27/08/20 20:26:14

He combines salty language with a peppery temper

23/08/20 21:24:43

Jane's brussel sprout and cabbage vindaloo bought the house down

19/08/20 20:40:11

I've walked a mile in his shoes and now I understand - that my big brother has the sweatiest, stinkiest feet in the whole world.

16/08/20 21:05:37

Dear Jack

The beanstalk wasn't the only thing your "magic beans" produced.

You also owe a year's child support.

The Giant

13/08/20 20:38:17

"Keep a sharp look out men. The ass-assin is lurking around here somewhere"

11/08/20 20:54:04

After the "nuclear fart" incident the Phall curry from Jim's local takeaway was taken off the menu and banned under the Geneva Convention

04/08/20 21:02:40

Due to his anatomical deficiencies Ken had been hedging the issue of sex for some time

21/07/20 20:52:21

50 shades of grain

21/07/20 20:25:31

At the Game of Thrones convention Ghost's price list was as follows: Photo £15, Selfie £20, Leg hump £35

20/07/20 20:59:29

It was not a good place to put down roots. It was a hell hole where the only water you got was from the dog and the only fertilizer from the cat

14/07/20 20:35:01

The mutant Shredded Wheat had grown to an enormous size, broken out of the kitchen and had now acquired a taste for human flesh

14/07/20 20:16:54

I'm guessing that you really don't want to go back work after your furlough ends

10/07/20 21:07:19

"I'm sorry Penny - I can't invest any more in this relationship"

07/07/20 20:41:06

"There's no easy way to say this - the seagull got you good and proper. You'll be needing a B-A-T-H"

03/07/20 20:20:02

Sandra had told them she was suffering from hot flashes - but not how bad they were

30/06/20 20:28:28

Crush Hazard Jones really wished his parents had picked a more romantic spot for his conception

26/06/20 21:34:02

With the money he saved from quitting smoking little Georgie bought a pet whose neck would not be so easily wrung

24/06/20 20:47:03

The committee of the Guinness Book of World Records verifying a claim to the world's largest dust bunny

19/06/20 21:32:58

It's very surprising just who shows up at the auditions for Mission Impossible

07/06/20 21:06:37

Chickens of the world unite - you have nothing to lose but your yolks

07/06/20 21:03:42

"Please hold. Your abduction is important to us. Please hold"

03/06/20 20:30:05

The British version of Wacky Races never really caught on

01/06/20 20:39:47

"We shall chase each other on the beaches, we shall chase each other in the fields and in the streets, we shall chase each other in the hills; we shall never surrender!"

18/05/20 20:39:39

In the near future a whole industry will be born around celebrating the end of the Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020.

15/05/20 21:16:41

A new face delivers the government's daily briefing.

15/05/20 21:06:13

"A hot dog - take it or leave it. The last customer did both"

15/05/20 20:49:01

Captain Tom's groupies are now taking things to the extreme.

11/05/20 21:30:46

Welcome to the Turdis. It has more toilet paper inside than there is available outside.

06/05/20 21:09:14

Happy it's Christmas - why yes I ham!

05/05/20 18:25:52

Great Cthulhu! Your worshipers welcome your awakening - but we really think you should lose the hat

01/05/20 21:16:58

The hills are alive with the sound of screaming

26/04/20 20:47:42

"I'm telling you I don't care who she is or what 'special skills' she has. I am not returning the teddy or giving up the chance of a ransom of a whole tin of Celebrations!"

26/04/20 20:46:35

We can now see why the goatherd was lonely

26/04/20 20:34:22

"His last Deliveroo drop off officer? Let me see - it was a Mr and Mrs Lyons in Twycross"

24/04/20 21:04:32

I guess the alligators got fed after all

14/04/20 20:41:47

"Excuse me - Have you heard the good moos about God?"

07/04/20 20:12:21

"What would you say to Americans who are scared by your new look Mr President?"

"I say that you're a terrible photographer"

06/04/20 21:21:49

"So - got any holidays planned sir?"

06/04/20 21:11:31

These hopefuls have camped out overnight in order to audition for the Pooping Pooches calendar 2021

06/04/20 20:46:22

When he finally lets that tufty-eared bird go - I'll be ready!

31/03/20 20:26:18

Okay I'll have a stab at it

27/03/20 22:07:38

The life of hedonism fueled by his new found wealth had taken its toll on the Andrex puppy

24/03/20 19:49:00

Although he was desperately trying to think of a witty caption for the latest photo his mind remained a complete blank.

22/03/20 18:34:01

Trump's attempt to sneak out of the country using the CIA'a latest invisibility technology was doomed by too many layers of fake tan and hair dye.

Wed 21:44:38

Dave's hopes of Olympic glory in the luge were ended
when Sharon needed the tray.

10/01/21 21:37:55

I can't believe it love - I give birth to twins just as Covid hits and causes the bottom to fall out of your piano moving business

18/12/20 21:25:58

Superman's secret identity was nearly given away when some seaweed touched his leg

15/12/20 20:54:41

"So after tracking this through the house my name is Mud - I always thought it was Benji"

06/12/20 21:41:55

When you're so lonely and bored working at home that a vengeful ghost crawling out of your monitor is a welcome distraction

27/11/20 22:00:13

"There goes that phoenix again - always rushing around like his tail is on fire"

27/11/20 21:37:40

In his last act as president Trump had the CIA grab Medusa and drag her to Mount Rushmore. He then made a grab for her pussy and you can see the result

19/11/20 20:26:06

"Thanks for finding a way to sneak us aboard Noah's Ark - you're a pedigree chum"

19/11/20 20:18:21

The local council does not remember giving planning permission for this

15/11/20 21:50:15

Daisy hadn't expected her blind date to be a pig and hoped she wouldn't put her foot and mouth in it

06/11/20 21:35:01

The spider in the basement? It's tripled in size and is yelling for fresh meat

06/11/20 21:13:18

"You think King Midas is the unfortunate one - just try doing his laundry!"

04/11/20 21:27:30

"Psst kid! Can I have some of that fertilizer you're packing? Phew! No wonder you humans get to be so big"

28/10/20 20:51:23

Banana nana, nana, nana - BATMAN!!

15/10/20 20:53:37

Its hard to sit back and enjoy your favourite programme with a grizzly kid hanging around

08/10/20 20:51:14

"Honestly you young zombies - you don't know you're dead! I won't take that attitude from someone who's still warm!"

16/09/20 20:13:39

"Hurry up with those extra spots - that 18 rated film starts in a few minutes!"

15/09/20 20:35:27

"Come in Enterprise - Yes Scotty is definitely pissed that he didn't get shore leave"

10/09/20 20:57:43

Mary had a little lamb
She loved it well - the lass
And the special bond between the two?
They both were into grass

08/09/20 21:04:42

The existential dread of not being part of the eight out of ten cats who prefer Whiskas

08/09/20 20:56:48

Looks like the Lady of the Lake is all in favour of the hosepipe ban

08/09/20 20:46:28

When you defecate a small child you have to wonder what you've Eton

27/08/20 20:30:26

"Beware the dark web? There 's no wifi signal up here - idiot yokel!"

23/08/20 21:37:07

Playing this version of Jenga takes balls

06/08/20 20:52:47

Although Mary could never discuss her work in Area 51. The contacts she had made meant her wedding was embarrassing Uncle John-less

28/07/20 21:22:27

"Balance my chakras Hoppy? Nah the vet took my chakras 3 years ago"

27/07/20 20:39:00

This previously unseen photograph shows the sixth horseman of the apocalypse (third from left) who left the group before they became famous

22/07/20 20:51:14

This choir is very diverse and the longer you listen to them diverse it gets

13/07/20 20:47:28

Bei Bei was eager to show those zoo keepers that he finally had wood

06/07/20 20:46:26

Levitation for Dummies

29/06/20 20:51:23

If you see Mr Tambourine Man - tell him his wife has come following him

25/06/20 21:18:57

"It's all very well inventing a wearable time machine Herbert - but not a lot of use when the only year you can blend in is 2020"

24/06/20 21:43:58

In this situation the prize cock was on the other side of the camera

19/06/20 21:12:14

A bird in the van is worth two on the bus

17/06/20 20:58:55

Super-liar-Dominic-excuses-were-atrocious

06/06/20 8:25:05

"Okay son - you can keep him. But when he ravages downtown Tokyo it'll be you clearing up the mess"

01/06/20 21:17:38

It's so rude when people overtake and then give you the bird

01/06/20 20:50:31

"There's no doubt about it - this coronavirus is testing positive for exposure to Dominic Cummings"

31/05/20 21:26:45

Here at A.D.D. (Academy for Dad Dancing) we will teach you all the skills you need to thoroughly embarrass the whole family. Don't delay - sign up today!

27/05/20 20:36:39

"Put some energy into it Mary - imagine it's Dominic Cummings' face"

25/05/20 21:02:42

"One more crack from you beanpole and ... just remember whose teeth is closest to whose groin!"

21/05/20 20:37:41

Scratch and sniff or sniff and scratch? Decisions, decisions.

20/05/20 21:10:51

"A sauce! A sauce! My kingdom for a sauce!"

20/05/20 20:15:06