creative clever

One Knight stand!

12/05/19 9:36:14

"Any idea who's behind this??"

24/01/19 12:36:18

creative

Dear Sir, we will not be emptying your bin due to the following:

1) Large object(s) protruding out excessively.

2) Bin lid not properly closed.

Please correct the above before our next collection date.
Thank you.

15/01/19 18:26:57

"Friends, we are gathered here today to talk about social distancing and the wearing of face masks..
Puppets are exempt, by the way.."

17/12/20 16:13:44

Wherever I go, she goes! She's my pride and joy and she's never let me down. She's just had a full service and new tyres!

30/07/20 17:19:05

LOCKDOWN! LOCKDOWN! DANGEROUS CRACK IN PAVEMENT. EVERYBODY INSIDE! STAY AT HOME! YOU CAN COME OUT WHEN WE SAY SO!

11/07/20 13:58:49

Lady, we need to get 2 things clear...

10/05/21 22:12:38

Forget vaccines! Let me stick this up your arse!

02/01/21 21:36:45

If I can just get him to smile, I'm outta here!

22/07/19 23:28:14

Why did the snail cross the road?
Be patient, we're still waiting for the answer to that...

17/12/18 14:05:17

Maam, Do you mind if I take a closer look into this?

10/05/21 22:04:34

He's made of the 'white' stuff!

07/02/21 10:55:01

Surfboard lady: "What's your name?"

"Barbara Dry Sand"

Surfboard lady: "And you?"

"Just 'Sandy'"

08/12/20 13:21:15

"Has his highness put on weight recently?"
"Yeah, about 20 kilos just before I left the house!"

04/11/20 18:02:23

What's this? How to make a mask using nothing more than a disposable plastic cup...

11/07/20 0:12:04

A meal fit for a king! Or at least, the upper crust!

31/05/20 16:34:37

Kit car for sale/ Unfinished project. Just needs wheels.

31/12/19 11:04:58

"Come to China they said! Get some exciting volunteer work!!"

15/12/18 23:13:42

"They said I had a leaky roof, but I don't see it dripping at all!"

18/11/18 15:17:36

"I'm not used to this heat" (sob)
"I checked the bins and they're all empty" (sob)

Tue 11:20:37

I'd like to order a boat please.

28/05/21 23:36:31

"Two big reasons why I singled you out...."

27/05/21 23:06:46

Do you have a search warrant?
"Every inch!"

10/05/21 22:06:07

I caught this one hiding under my jalopy.

07/03/21 10:29:33

Backdraft.

25/02/21 23:10:39

"Why did you not use your headlamp?"
"You look ridiculous in it"

12/02/21 16:36:45

"We think Gulliver got a bit nervous and of course, being a bit brainwashed by the media...he...."

05/02/21 14:54:42

Half man, half balloon.

05/02/21 14:52:23

Winner of the 'Hornathon' event for the last 8 years now.

31/01/21 10:00:24

Keep your duckstance - 2 beak-ers apart.

21/01/21 22:34:46

"In my life, there's been so many lockdowns..
I don't know if I can face it much longer.."

Chorus:

"I want to know what freedom is..
I want Boris to show me.."
I want to feel what freedom is..
I know he can show me.."

21/01/21 16:42:53

"You OK??"
"Just had the vaccine..."

03/01/21 20:08:15

"What have you got for me?"
"Well, we think Midas went for a walk and trod in some shit!"

31/12/20 16:58:04

'Dear Sir, Thank you very much for alerting us to this matter. Officially, we cannot allow rock climbing in this borough, as it presents a danger to human safety and well-being. Please ensure this does not happen again, or we will be forced to impose a fixed penalty for this offence. Thankyou.'

Yours sincerely

Matt Killjoy

27/12/20 12:32:54

I'm off duty sunshine, so I'll drink what I like!

27/12/20 0:09:55

Superman:"Hey, wait a minute, which movie is this?"
Woman:"Er, Thelma and Louise go Camping.."
Superman:"Sorry, I thought you were Lois.."

01/12/20 21:15:08

"It's a bit foggy in here, but I can just make out a hare in the distance."

17/11/20 10:19:54

It's the only way we could have enough guests during the lockdown, by letting them all use public transport...

11/11/20 10:59:25

"I'm only doing this to finance my other hobby - meals."

03/11/20 18:31:13

"I thought it meant 'M' for Mammoth.."

16/07/20 11:45:54

"Now this one's different. It's not a flip top, it's a screw down!"

25/03/20 15:59:45

I'm sorry, we don't have conveyor belts for our sushi, but we can spin plates!

01/01/20 11:47:38

"Hey Buddy! Step out of the car I mean..bathtub!
Didn't I just see you run the lights??"

"No, I was just running the bath!"

29/06/19 23:34:35

"Only a stone's throw from the beach" THEY SAID!

19/06/19 23:31:59

"The water's too cold!! We're going to complain to the local council about this, because we want something done about it. We're not happy."

27/04/19 21:31:02

"I feel like banging my head against a brick wall!"
"Damn, there aren't any around here!"

09/03/19 8:45:40

"TOO SHORT" they said...

09/03/19 8:42:42

"When I say 'On my cue' , I don't mean it literally!!"

05/01/19 21:06:37

Graduates wanted - any discipline, for an exciting new project.
This is your chance to gain some some great voluntary work experience in a foreign country.

16/12/18 17:11:04

"I bought this suite specially to match his pelt."

16/12/18 17:02:39

"I thought they said they wanted 'house sitting', not 'horse sitting'!"

16/12/18 16:58:50

"We're alright for now, but as soon as we get more members joining, we'll need to consider moving to a bigger venue..."

19/11/18 13:19:56

What do you get when you cross a tiger with a frog?

A Trog!

18/11/18 15:45:27

"I was staring at this painting when I suddenly felt very light-headed."

18/11/18 15:11:05

"I'm not going to eat another human for months!"

16/11/18 18:28:09

I'm not in this race for a tie!

16/11/18 17:07:45

I must admit, I'd love to get my hands on your.............................your ....................................er..................medals!

27/05/21 23:04:15

How much lady??

10/05/21 22:03:31

"Right lads...I've got an idea...."

28/04/21 22:33:56

Are you familiar with this club?

26/02/21 18:58:17

The need for speed!

13/02/21 14:57:35

Cock a doodle - Shoo!

08/02/21 18:25:15

The new 'Mecca' for Foxes..

08/02/21 17:55:05

Just following social binning rules!

07/02/21 17:16:28

"Now you've really done it!"
"Where do we go from here?"
"Legoland!"

05/02/21 15:54:17

"The only side effect is that I'm seeing a large plastic pipe with a metal spear on the end, and the space around me is enormous!"

05/02/21 15:02:17

"Marvellous, I don't need a 'shrink' any more!"

05/02/21 14:58:31

"They've locked down my cooker! They said I can't use it until the lockdown is lifted. I don't know how long that will be. What about my cooking? Do they care? It's just more and more bad news every day!"

26/01/21 19:15:33

"Have you lost your bottle!"

23/01/21 15:49:21

Half man, half Peesed!

23/01/21 15:47:18

"Does anyone have a pair of skis I could borrow?"

14/01/21 19:00:40

Follow me lads. We just need to get to the top of this mountain, then you can test your parachutes.

14/01/21 18:53:59

Just Glide!

08/01/21 16:23:25

BORING - Need more traction.

05/01/21 14:41:22

"Have you had the vaccine yet??"
"Don't ask...."

03/01/21 20:07:23

I'm just a holographic reflection!

03/01/21 16:19:41

"Due to social distancing, the wick keeper shall follow on at a safe distance behind the two rockets. He shall maintain a distance of at leat 2 metres between himself and the blue touch paper and shall wash his hands as soon as he has applied his wick to both rockets."

02/01/21 21:33:37

We're on strike!

02/01/21 21:29:18

"And that's the best joke I know..."
"That was so funny. I must remember that one!"

01/01/21 23:19:47

Dave! SSSSTOPPPP!! Giraffe on road in front of vehicle!!

01/01/21 16:16:45

Dave, I need a toilet!

01/01/21 16:15:08

"Gissa jab!"

30/12/20 20:32:36

"I turn my back for one second, and suddenly everyone leaves!"

30/12/20 14:54:43

'The Council wishes to announce there will be no fireworks display this year. Please enjoy these bulb illuminations for the duration of the festive period.'

27/12/20 10:46:29

You lot don't even know you're born! I've been down more canals than you've had hot dinners!

27/12/20 0:13:00

Learning to fry!

25/12/20 16:14:29

Cruise control yourself!

22/12/20 18:45:10

Try not to get your knickers in a twist!

21/12/20 18:06:45

"I'm sorry to inform you all: The world is ruled by a group of elites and the government is just a bunch of puppets!"

21/12/20 18:05:26

Er, due to economic uncertainty, I'm afraid we have to compromise this year. Can't fly due to the quarantine restrictions. I've no time to get bogged down with that - too busy. I know reindeer power is better than dog power, but all the reindeer are in quarantine at the minute. Do you know where they sell dog face masks?

12/12/20 14:09:54

How long do we need to keep the mud on?
Did somebody say JUST BAKE!

08/12/20 16:49:50

Brontosaurus: "You're not seriously going to try and eat that are you?"

"Listen Sunshine, I've had more hot dinners than you've had hot dinners!"

26/11/20 13:20:24

What's eating you?

23/11/20 19:33:02

Ma, this slide is wonky! I'm stuck half way down!

20/11/20 21:31:53

"I don't do paper masks! Paper is for losers!"

04/11/20 18:24:53

"Does his highness have any advice for people about their investments?"
"Yeah, SELL GOLD. Sell it all to me!"

04/11/20 18:17:36

"In your own words, tell us what happened.
How many clones of us are there?"

02/11/20 20:03:52

"I like the fact that the screen is tiltable".

06/10/20 18:41:34

"Nice of them to install a few seats isn't it?"
"That's right. I got here 2 hours ago and the queue has hardly moved."

24/09/20 21:52:39

Turn the other cheek!

22/09/20 17:51:54

'The Government Book of Safety Regulations'. What's this? Avoid park benches due to Covid...Keep your pets indoors at all times....Don't touch books....Don't touch your spectacles if you have been touching other items...Don't use a public lavatory....Go home......Go home......Go home....

03/09/20 14:54:02

I can tell whether this ball has a light air leak by holding it up to my ear.

03/09/20 12:14:19

"No sign of any masks 'round 'ere!"
"Not many people either. They're all down at Trafalgar Square."

29/08/20 20:35:17

"Are you a Covid Convert?"

29/08/20 20:30:04

"Hello my friend! Would you like 2 star or three star milk with your breakfast?"

24/08/20 22:35:28

"I want your badge, Mister! - Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

03/08/20 19:30:25

Hold on tight to your seams!

30/07/20 17:08:34

"They usually give you about 5 minutes before giving out a ticket.."

16/07/20 12:05:55

Passer-by: "Is that thing safe?"
Caretaker: "Yes, but don't mention the 'M' word."

16/07/20 11:52:27

Damn! Masks to be mandatory. No one will see my new beard!

11/07/20 0:28:14

I knew I should have bought one last week..The price of masks has skyrocketed!

11/07/20 0:22:27

Employee rule no. 156 : Face masks may be temporarily removed when having a coffee/tea break. Please ensure to put mask on immediately after your break is over...

11/07/20 0:20:58

BEACH ART: "All you need is a large yellow bowl and a white piece of linen!"

10/07/20 12:19:51

Fruit bike for sale. It's colour-customised. The green matches the outside of the water melon and the wheels match the inside.

14/06/20 21:31:08

"What does that sign say up there?"
ALWAYS.. KEEP.. TWO.. STRIPES.. APART..

Isn't that a joke?

14/06/20 21:25:31

It's not rocket science! It's umbrella science!

05/06/20 20:06:45

"They said I was replacing one of the dinner ladies!! Now I know why!!"

31/05/20 16:37:30

"I just want to be on your selfie, before I have dinner!"

31/05/20 11:26:30

Stop, chicks!

23/05/20 19:11:22

Hit Down or Sit Down!

23/05/20 19:06:49

Give me a high f̶i̶v̶e̶ four!

23/05/20 18:59:00

New! The most colourful, extravagant lampshade ever!
Bonus feature: Converts to a Christmas tree with the supplied stand!

27/04/20 19:21:29

"Excuse me, I just need a spare room for quarantining purposes..."

07/04/20 20:40:33

Patient: "Doctor, Each morning I wake up and see a cow peering in at me throught the window!"

Doctor: "You need to get out more!"

07/04/20 20:36:27

"Now let's have a group shot. Everyone hold up your bag of bagels and look happy!"

19/03/20 16:38:47

Don't worry, by the time you're through, you'll be ALL WHITE!

01/01/20 11:45:33

I'm ALL WHITE. Are you ALL WHITE?

01/01/20 11:41:52

So you want to be a Santa...

31/12/19 10:53:17

Is it a bird, is it a plane? No! It's Supermam!

14/07/19 20:40:54

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away
Once I get you up there, where the air is rarefied
We'll just glide, starry-eyed...

14/07/19 20:38:41

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you ̶s̶w̶i̶m̶ surf!

19/06/19 23:26:21

Hey buddy! The ride ends here!
Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya??

19/06/19 21:13:31

"The Snake and I"

19/06/19 21:11:33

Time and tide wait for no man!

19/06/19 21:09:52

"Hey Buddy, didn't you read the sign??"
"C'mon punk! What ya gonna do??"

16/06/19 17:20:32

Top Brass!

29/05/19 21:58:29

Page 243: How to bale water out of your boat.
First, procure a scoop.
Second, immerse the scoop in the pool of water
until full.
Third, pour the water away outside the boat
Fourth, continue until the pool of water has gone.

17/05/19 9:34:16

Are you taking me for a ride?

13/05/19 10:34:40

We had nothing like this when I was a kid. Only rides on the back of a Woolly Mammoth!

13/05/19 10:33:21

"What's eating you??"

12/05/19 16:47:45

"Take that silly wig off! You can't hide from me!"

12/05/19 16:43:13

Ask yourself: "Do I feel lucky?"
Well do ya, pump?

12/05/19 10:31:46

You'll only feel a little prick!

12/05/19 10:29:02

"How long have we got?"

"She's already taken on a lot of water...pretty soon, she'll be listing, then she'll take everything on board down with her..."

"Evacuate?"

"Aye!"

08/05/19 22:21:58

THREE MEN IN A B̶O̶A̶T̶ TRUCK.

08/05/19 22:17:32

One large portion of Spaghettifloss!

06/05/19 16:29:29

"What do you expect me to do?"

"There's only one thing I can do!"

"Stick my fork in it and eat it!"

05/05/19 20:47:15

We've been waiting until half-time for this photo opportunity and then you go and get your kit covered in mud! It's not on!!

29/04/19 14:20:35

Wax and polish?

29/04/19 9:50:27

Isn't it wonderful how we all met on Facebook all those years ago? And finally we get to meet like this...it's fantastic!

28/04/19 22:27:04

Are you guys lost??
No, we're looking for snacks. Have you got any?

28/04/19 22:23:25

"They said the ice caps were melting...I just didn't think it would reach Hemel..."

27/04/19 21:34:29

I don't need a riot shield - just a handbag!"

27/04/19 21:32:53

"Why are the wipers on the windshield? We need wipers for the seats!"

22/04/19 21:07:05

T minus 10 seconds...9......8......7......6.......5......Ignition!
All Engines Running! (He's a bright spark that one!)

22/04/19 20:46:11

So you want to be a ̶J̶e̶d̶i̶ Car jacker...

22/04/19 20:43:01

Check out the new Microscope App!

15/04/19 23:32:58

"White Raven calling John Rambo...
Talk to me Johnny..."

15/04/19 14:34:55

Your flies are undone mate!

21/03/19 23:46:01

"Now pick up all the trimmings if you want to get paid!" they said.

09/03/19 8:57:25

Trust me to get the wrong field!!

09/03/19 8:54:59

It's a Tunesy!

09/03/19 8:50:01

"Im gonna need a bigger mower!"
"The type that you sit on - looks like a quad bike!"
"This is ridiculous - I'm not working for £5 a hectare any more!!"

09/03/19 8:41:28

"How do I take a selfie??"

08/02/19 10:23:36

"Today I thought I'd start with a clean sheet!"

19/01/19 21:01:11

This food is brilliant! If I get tired of carrying it, I can just roll it home!

15/01/19 18:20:21

"Watch the birdie!"

07/01/19 14:37:47

"Save your photos 'till we reach the finishing line!"

07/01/19 10:14:20

"A Director, A Director - my share in royalties for a Director!"

04/01/19 22:54:00

'M': "Bond! I need you to come in immediately!"

Bond: "I'll come in when I've finished the job!"

04/01/19 22:48:32

"I'm not in the mood for a carnival, just a vodka martini or two.."

04/01/19 22:29:48

"This is my quantum of solace moment..."

04/01/19 22:25:06

"Damn! My cover's blown. I should've stopped touching my ear!!"

04/01/19 22:21:02

" Double O breathless!! - there's absolutely no ventilation in this silly costume!"

04/01/19 22:17:47

"Ever since 'M' had me suspended, I wanted to prove I could be different..."

04/01/19 22:14:00

"I just came to pick up my other half.."

01/01/19 13:22:16

April foal! It's made of polystyrene!

01/01/19 13:20:25

I hate my job 'cos they always make me wear a suit! It's just not really me!

01/01/19 11:14:13

"What's this message? 'Dear customer, please help us with our Kickstarter campaign...'"

01/01/19 10:35:47

Man: "Waiter! I ordered Stew, NOT SHOE !!"
Waiter: "Welly good, sir."

01/01/19 10:29:34

"He' been petrified since he had that night-mare!"

31/12/18 11:12:17

"I've fallen out with my chauffeur."

29/12/18 11:27:31

"The design was adapted from a similar one used in Roman times, called a 'chariot'..."

29/12/18 10:14:34

"You've heard of the Fatbike? Well, this is the Fatcar".

26/12/18 10:44:56

This car doesn't get stuck in traffic. The traffic sticks to IT!

25/12/18 16:29:42

My name is Slim Pickens, but I wanna be Rich!

25/12/18 16:22:30

I had no use for whale blubber, until now..

25/12/18 12:57:58

"Friends, we just need to give one big final push up to the top! Are you ready??"

25/12/18 10:36:32

"I've made it to first base. Now all I need is a roof ladder!"

22/12/18 21:14:14

"What's eating you???"

21/12/18 18:39:02

"I'm as bright as a button. Just don't push me!"

21/12/18 18:34:24

Point and shoot! That's what I was trained for!

17/12/18 11:04:31

I'm Hungry. Have you got any more of that frozen pizza?

16/12/18 19:43:21

"I hope it doesn't rein-deer!!"

16/12/18 17:04:29

"He was a good salesman. That's all I can say!!"

12/12/18 11:09:05

"High security bunker for sale in excellent condition. Only requires a replacement lid..."

20/11/18 20:56:31

"They're all training to be bouncers."

20/11/18 18:23:38

"Would you like milk and sugar?"

"Er, no. Just a couple of oars and a harpoon gun please!"

18/11/18 16:48:13

"Give us a wave!"

18/11/18 15:42:11

"I'm going to need a bigger boat!"

18/11/18 15:40:59