creative clever

One Knight stand!

12/05/19 9:36:14

"Any idea who's behind this??"

24/01/19 12:36:18

creative

Dear Sir, we will not be emptying your bin due to the following:

1) Large object(s) protruding out excessively.

2) Bin lid not properly closed.

Please correct the above before our next collection date.
Thank you.

15/01/19 18:26:57

Wherever I go, she goes! She's my pride and joy and she's never let me down. She's just had a full service and new tyres!

30/07/20 17:19:05

LOCKDOWN! LOCKDOWN! DANGEROUS CRACK IN PAVEMENT. EVERYBODY INSIDE! STAY AT HOME! YOU CAN COME OUT WHEN WE SAY SO!

11/07/20 13:58:49

If I can just get him to smile, I'm outta here!

22/07/19 23:28:14

Why did the snail cross the road?
Be patient, we're still waiting for the answer to that...

17/12/18 14:05:17

What's this? How to make a mask using nothing more than a disposable plastic cup...

11/07/20 0:12:04

A meal fit for a king! Or at least, the upper crust!

31/05/20 16:34:37

Kit car for sale/ Unfinished project. Just needs wheels.

31/12/19 11:04:58

"Come to China they said! Get some exciting volunteer work!!"

15/12/18 23:13:42

"They said I had a leaky roof, but I don't see it dripping at all!"

18/11/18 15:17:36

"I thought it meant 'M' for Mammoth.."

16/07/20 11:45:54

"Now this one's different. It's not a flip top, it's a screw down!"

25/03/20 15:59:45

I'm sorry, we don't have conveyor belts for our sushi, but we can spin plates!

01/01/20 11:47:38

"Hey Buddy! Step out of the car I mean..bathtub!
Didn't I just see you run the lights??"

"No, I was just running the bath!"

29/06/19 23:34:35

"Only a stone's throw from the beach" THEY SAID!

19/06/19 23:31:59

"The water's too cold!! We're going to complain to the local council about this, because we want something done about it. We're not happy."

27/04/19 21:31:02

"I feel like banging my head against a brick wall!"
"Damn, there aren't any around here!"

09/03/19 8:45:40

"TOO SHORT" they said...

09/03/19 8:42:42

"When I say 'On my cue' , I don't mean it literally!!"

05/01/19 21:06:37

Graduates wanted - any discipline, for an exciting new project.
This is your chance to gain some some great voluntary work experience in a foreign country.

16/12/18 17:11:04

"I bought this suite specially to match his pelt."

16/12/18 17:02:39

"I thought they said they wanted 'house sitting', not 'horse sitting'!"

16/12/18 16:58:50

"We're alright for now, but as soon as we get more members joining, we'll need to consider moving to a bigger venue..."

19/11/18 13:19:56

What do you get when you cross a tiger with a frog?

A Trog!

18/11/18 15:45:27

"I was staring at this painting when I suddenly felt very light-headed."

18/11/18 15:11:05

"I'm not going to eat another human for months!"

16/11/18 18:28:09

I'm not in this race for a tie!

16/11/18 17:07:45

"I want your badge, Mister! - Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

03/08/20 19:30:25

Hold on tight to your seams!

30/07/20 17:08:34

"They usually give you about 5 minutes before giving out a ticket.."

16/07/20 12:05:55

Passer-by: "Is that thing safe?"
Caretaker: "Yes, but don't mention the 'M' word."

16/07/20 11:52:27

Damn! Masks to be mandatory. No one will see my new beard!

11/07/20 0:28:14

I knew I should have bought one last week..The price of masks has skyrocketed!

11/07/20 0:22:27

Employee rule no. 156 : Face masks may be temporarily removed when having a coffee/tea break. Please ensure to put mask on immediately after your break is over...

11/07/20 0:20:58

BEACH ART: "All you need is a large yellow bowl and a white piece of linen!"

10/07/20 12:19:51

Fruit bike for sale. It's colour-customised. The green matches the outside of the water melon and the wheels match the inside.

14/06/20 21:31:08

"What does that sign say up there?"
ALWAYS.. KEEP.. TWO.. STRIPES.. APART..

Isn't that a joke?

14/06/20 21:25:31

It's not rocket science! It's umbrella science!

05/06/20 20:06:45

"They said I was replacing one of the dinner ladies!! Now I know why!!"

31/05/20 16:37:30

"I just want to be on your selfie, before I have dinner!"

31/05/20 11:26:30

Stop, chicks!

23/05/20 19:11:22

Hit Down or Sit Down!

23/05/20 19:06:49

Give me a high f̶i̶v̶e̶ four!

23/05/20 18:59:00

New! The most colourful, extravagant lampshade ever!
Bonus feature: Converts to a Christmas tree with the supplied stand!

27/04/20 19:21:29

"Excuse me, I just need a spare room for quarantining purposes..."

07/04/20 20:40:33

Patient: "Doctor, Each morning I wake up and see a cow peering in at me throught the window!"

Doctor: "You need to get out more!"

07/04/20 20:36:27

"Now let's have a group shot. Everyone hold up your bag of bagels and look happy!"

19/03/20 16:38:47

Don't worry, by the time you're through, you'll be ALL WHITE!

01/01/20 11:45:33

I'm ALL WHITE. Are you ALL WHITE?

01/01/20 11:41:52

So you want to be a Santa...

31/12/19 10:53:17

Is it a bird, is it a plane? No! It's Supermam!

14/07/19 20:40:54

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away
Once I get you up there, where the air is rarefied
We'll just glide, starry-eyed...

14/07/19 20:38:41

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you ̶s̶w̶i̶m̶ surf!

19/06/19 23:26:21

Hey buddy! The ride ends here!
Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya??

19/06/19 21:13:31

"The Snake and I"

19/06/19 21:11:33

Time and tide wait for no man!

19/06/19 21:09:52

"Hey Buddy, didn't you read the sign??"
"C'mon punk! What ya gonna do??"

16/06/19 17:20:32

Top Brass!

29/05/19 21:58:29

Page 243: How to bale water out of your boat.
First, procure a scoop.
Second, immerse the scoop in the pool of water
until full.
Third, pour the water away outside the boat
Fourth, continue until the pool of water has gone.

17/05/19 9:34:16

Are you taking me for a ride?

13/05/19 10:34:40

We had nothing like this when I was a kid. Only rides on the back of a Woolly Mammoth!

13/05/19 10:33:21

"What's eating you??"

12/05/19 16:47:45

"Take that silly wig off! You can't hide from me!"

12/05/19 16:43:13

Ask yourself: "Do I feel lucky?"
Well do ya, pump?

12/05/19 10:31:46

You'll only feel a little prick!

12/05/19 10:29:02

"How long have we got?"

"She's already taken on a lot of water...pretty soon, she'll be listing, then she'll take everything on board down with her..."

"Evacuate?"

"Aye!"

08/05/19 22:21:58

THREE MEN IN A B̶O̶A̶T̶ TRUCK.

08/05/19 22:17:32

One large portion of Spaghettifloss!

06/05/19 16:29:29

"What do you expect me to do?"

"There's only one thing I can do!"

"Stick my fork in it and eat it!"

05/05/19 20:47:15

We've been waiting until half-time for this photo opportunity and then you go and get your kit covered in mud! It's not on!!

29/04/19 14:20:35

Wax and polish?

29/04/19 9:50:27

Isn't it wonderful how we all met on Facebook all those years ago? And finally we get to meet like this...it's fantastic!

28/04/19 22:27:04

Are you guys lost??
No, we're looking for snacks. Have you got any?

28/04/19 22:23:25

"They said the ice caps were melting...I just didn't think it would reach Hemel..."

27/04/19 21:34:29

I don't need a riot shield - just a handbag!"

27/04/19 21:32:53

"Why are the wipers on the windshield? We need wipers for the seats!"

22/04/19 21:07:05

T minus 10 seconds...9......8......7......6.......5......Ignition!
All Engines Running! (He's a bright spark that one!)

22/04/19 20:46:11

So you want to be a ̶J̶e̶d̶i̶ Car jacker...

22/04/19 20:43:01

Check out the new Microscope App!

15/04/19 23:32:58

"White Raven calling John Rambo...
Talk to me Johnny..."

15/04/19 14:34:55

Your flies are undone mate!

21/03/19 23:46:01

"Now pick up all the trimmings if you want to get paid!" they said.

09/03/19 8:57:25

Trust me to get the wrong field!!

09/03/19 8:54:59

It's a Tunesy!

09/03/19 8:50:01

"Im gonna need a bigger mower!"
"The type that you sit on - looks like a quad bike!"
"This is ridiculous - I'm not working for £5 a hectare any more!!"

09/03/19 8:41:28

"How do I take a selfie??"

08/02/19 10:23:36

"Today I thought I'd start with a clean sheet!"

19/01/19 21:01:11

This food is brilliant! If I get tired of carrying it, I can just roll it home!

15/01/19 18:20:21

"Watch the birdie!"

07/01/19 14:37:47

"Save your photos 'till we reach the finishing line!"

07/01/19 10:14:20

"A Director, A Director - my share in royalties for a Director!"

04/01/19 22:54:00

'M': "Bond! I need you to come in immediately!"

Bond: "I'll come in when I've finished the job!"

04/01/19 22:48:32

"I'm not in the mood for a carnival, just a vodka martini or two.."

04/01/19 22:29:48

"This is my quantum of solace moment..."

04/01/19 22:25:06

"Damn! My cover's blown. I should've stopped touching my ear!!"

04/01/19 22:21:02

" Double O breathless!! - there's absolutely no ventilation in this silly costume!"

04/01/19 22:17:47

"Ever since 'M' had me suspended, I wanted to prove I could be different..."

04/01/19 22:14:00

"I just came to pick up my other half.."

01/01/19 13:22:16

April foal! It's made of polystyrene!

01/01/19 13:20:25

I hate my job 'cos they always make me wear a suit! It's just not really me!

01/01/19 11:14:13

"What's this message? 'Dear customer, please help us with our Kickstarter campaign...'"

01/01/19 10:35:47

Man: "Waiter! I ordered Stew, NOT SHOE !!"
Waiter: "Welly good, sir."

01/01/19 10:29:34

"He' been petrified since he had that night-mare!"

31/12/18 11:12:17

"I've fallen out with my chauffeur."

29/12/18 11:27:31

"The design was adapted from a similar one used in Roman times, called a 'chariot'..."

29/12/18 10:14:34

"You've heard of the Fatbike? Well, this is the Fatcar".

26/12/18 10:44:56

This car doesn't get stuck in traffic. The traffic sticks to IT!

25/12/18 16:29:42

My name is Slim Pickens, but I wanna be Rich!

25/12/18 16:22:30

I had no use for whale blubber, until now..

25/12/18 12:57:58

"Friends, we just need to give one big final push up to the top! Are you ready??"

25/12/18 10:36:32

"I've made it to first base. Now all I need is a roof ladder!"

22/12/18 21:14:14

"What's eating you???"

21/12/18 18:39:02

"I'm as bright as a button. Just don't push me!"

21/12/18 18:34:24

Point and shoot! That's what I was trained for!

17/12/18 11:04:31

I'm Hungry. Have you got any more of that frozen pizza?

16/12/18 19:43:21

"I hope it doesn't rein-deer!!"

16/12/18 17:04:29

"He was a good salesman. That's all I can say!!"

12/12/18 11:09:05

"High security bunker for sale in excellent condition. Only requires a replacement lid..."

20/11/18 20:56:31

"They're all training to be bouncers."

20/11/18 18:23:38

"Would you like milk and sugar?"

"Er, no. Just a couple of oars and a harpoon gun please!"

18/11/18 16:48:13

"Give us a wave!"

18/11/18 15:42:11

"I'm going to need a bigger boat!"

18/11/18 15:40:59

Following a series of raids at the Gotham City Foodbank, police still have no clue as to who is responsible...

18/11/18 15:23:51

"The Batman costume had already gone. This was the closest match..."

18/11/18 15:21:19

"Sure I can do a Billy Connolly impersonation!"

18/11/18 15:19:08

Back to the future? NO! Back to the drawing board!

18/11/18 15:14:56

"So I got the position right, but now I can't go anywhere..."

16/11/18 18:25:29

"I'll give you five seconds to get that sign out of my face!!"

16/11/18 18:06:05

"Just before I go any deeper, is it submersible??"

16/11/18 18:03:25

"Food is my friend. Anytime, any hour!"

16/11/18 17:35:23

"From this point on, the climb gets much harder!"

16/11/18 17:33:14

"I'm a big man but I'm outta shape - with me, eating is my full-time job!"

16/11/18 17:24:27

"Mind the gap! The gap between me and my next meal!!!"

16/11/18 17:20:12

"Take nothing but rock samples. Leave nothing but footprints..."

16/11/18 17:13:12