creative clever

One Knight stand!

12/05/19 8:36:14

"Any idea who's behind this??"

24/01/19 12:36:18

creative

Dear Sir, we will not be emptying your bin due to the following:

1) Large object(s) protruding out excessively.

2) Bin lid not properly closed.

Please correct the above before our next collection date.
Thank you.

15/01/19 18:26:57

Wherever I go, she goes! She's my pride and joy and she's never let me down. She's just had a full service and new tyres!

30/07/20 16:19:05

LOCKDOWN! LOCKDOWN! DANGEROUS CRACK IN PAVEMENT. EVERYBODY INSIDE! STAY AT HOME! YOU CAN COME OUT WHEN WE SAY SO!

11/07/20 12:58:49

If I can just get him to smile, I'm outta here!

22/07/19 22:28:14

Why did the snail cross the road?
Be patient, we're still waiting for the answer to that...

17/12/18 14:05:17

"Has his highness put on weight recently?"
"Yeah, about 20 kilos just before I left the house!"

04/11/20 18:02:23

What's this? How to make a mask using nothing more than a disposable plastic cup...

10/07/20 23:12:04

A meal fit for a king! Or at least, the upper crust!

31/05/20 15:34:37

Kit car for sale/ Unfinished project. Just needs wheels.

31/12/19 11:04:58

"Come to China they said! Get some exciting volunteer work!!"

15/12/18 23:13:42

"They said I had a leaky roof, but I don't see it dripping at all!"

18/11/18 15:17:36

"It's a bit foggy in here, but I can just make out a hare in the distance."

17/11/20 10:19:54

It's the only way we could have enough guests during the lockdown, by letting them all use public transport...

11/11/20 10:59:25

"I'm only doing this to finance my other hobby - meals."

03/11/20 18:31:13

"I thought it meant 'M' for Mammoth.."

16/07/20 10:45:54

"Now this one's different. It's not a flip top, it's a screw down!"

25/03/20 15:59:45

I'm sorry, we don't have conveyor belts for our sushi, but we can spin plates!

01/01/20 11:47:38

"Hey Buddy! Step out of the car I mean..bathtub!
Didn't I just see you run the lights??"

"No, I was just running the bath!"

29/06/19 22:34:35

"Only a stone's throw from the beach" THEY SAID!

19/06/19 22:31:59

"The water's too cold!! We're going to complain to the local council about this, because we want something done about it. We're not happy."

27/04/19 20:31:02

"I feel like banging my head against a brick wall!"
"Damn, there aren't any around here!"

09/03/19 8:45:40

"TOO SHORT" they said...

09/03/19 8:42:42

"When I say 'On my cue' , I don't mean it literally!!"

05/01/19 21:06:37

Graduates wanted - any discipline, for an exciting new project.
This is your chance to gain some some great voluntary work experience in a foreign country.

16/12/18 17:11:04

"I bought this suite specially to match his pelt."

16/12/18 17:02:39

"I thought they said they wanted 'house sitting', not 'horse sitting'!"

16/12/18 16:58:50

"We're alright for now, but as soon as we get more members joining, we'll need to consider moving to a bigger venue..."

19/11/18 13:19:56

What do you get when you cross a tiger with a frog?

A Trog!

18/11/18 15:45:27

"I was staring at this painting when I suddenly felt very light-headed."

18/11/18 15:11:05

"I'm not going to eat another human for months!"

16/11/18 18:28:09

I'm not in this race for a tie!

16/11/18 17:07:45

What's eating you?

Mon 19:33:02

Ma, this slide is wonky! I'm stuck half way down!

20/11/20 21:31:53

"I don't do paper masks! Paper is for losers!"

04/11/20 18:24:53

"Does his highness have any advice for people about their investments?"
"Yeah, SELL GOLD. Sell it all to me!"

04/11/20 18:17:36

"In your own words, tell us what happened.
How many clones of us are there?"

02/11/20 20:03:52

"I like the fact that the screen is tiltable".

06/10/20 17:41:34

"Nice of them to install a few seats isn't it?"
"That's right. I got here 2 hours ago and the queue has hardly moved."

24/09/20 20:52:39

Turn the other cheek!

22/09/20 16:51:54

'The Government Book of Safety Regulations'. What's this? Avoid park benches due to Covid...Keep your pets indoors at all times....Don't touch books....Don't touch your spectacles if you have been touching other items...Don't use a public lavatory....Go home......Go home......Go home....

03/09/20 13:54:02

I can tell whether this ball has a light air leak by holding it up to my ear.

03/09/20 11:14:19

"No sign of any masks 'round 'ere!"
"Not many people either. They're all down at Trafalgar Square."

29/08/20 19:35:17

"Are you a Covid Convert?"

29/08/20 19:30:04

"Hello my friend! Would you like 2 star or three star milk with your breakfast?"

24/08/20 21:35:28

"I want your badge, Mister! - Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

03/08/20 18:30:25

Hold on tight to your seams!

30/07/20 16:08:34

"They usually give you about 5 minutes before giving out a ticket.."

16/07/20 11:05:55

Passer-by: "Is that thing safe?"
Caretaker: "Yes, but don't mention the 'M' word."

16/07/20 10:52:27

Damn! Masks to be mandatory. No one will see my new beard!

10/07/20 23:28:14

I knew I should have bought one last week..The price of masks has skyrocketed!

10/07/20 23:22:27

Employee rule no. 156 : Face masks may be temporarily removed when having a coffee/tea break. Please ensure to put mask on immediately after your break is over...

10/07/20 23:20:58

BEACH ART: "All you need is a large yellow bowl and a white piece of linen!"

10/07/20 11:19:51

Fruit bike for sale. It's colour-customised. The green matches the outside of the water melon and the wheels match the inside.

14/06/20 20:31:08

"What does that sign say up there?"
ALWAYS.. KEEP.. TWO.. STRIPES.. APART..

Isn't that a joke?

14/06/20 20:25:31

It's not rocket science! It's umbrella science!

05/06/20 19:06:45

"They said I was replacing one of the dinner ladies!! Now I know why!!"

31/05/20 15:37:30

"I just want to be on your selfie, before I have dinner!"

31/05/20 10:26:30

Stop, chicks!

23/05/20 18:11:22

Hit Down or Sit Down!

23/05/20 18:06:49

Give me a high f̶i̶v̶e̶ four!

23/05/20 17:59:00

New! The most colourful, extravagant lampshade ever!
Bonus feature: Converts to a Christmas tree with the supplied stand!

27/04/20 18:21:29

"Excuse me, I just need a spare room for quarantining purposes..."

07/04/20 19:40:33

Patient: "Doctor, Each morning I wake up and see a cow peering in at me throught the window!"

Doctor: "You need to get out more!"

07/04/20 19:36:27

"Now let's have a group shot. Everyone hold up your bag of bagels and look happy!"

19/03/20 16:38:47

Don't worry, by the time you're through, you'll be ALL WHITE!

01/01/20 11:45:33

I'm ALL WHITE. Are you ALL WHITE?

01/01/20 11:41:52

So you want to be a Santa...

31/12/19 10:53:17

Is it a bird, is it a plane? No! It's Supermam!

14/07/19 19:40:54

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away
Once I get you up there, where the air is rarefied
We'll just glide, starry-eyed...

14/07/19 19:38:41

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you ̶s̶w̶i̶m̶ surf!

19/06/19 22:26:21

Hey buddy! The ride ends here!
Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya??

19/06/19 20:13:31

"The Snake and I"

19/06/19 20:11:33

Time and tide wait for no man!

19/06/19 20:09:52

"Hey Buddy, didn't you read the sign??"
"C'mon punk! What ya gonna do??"

16/06/19 16:20:32

Top Brass!

29/05/19 20:58:29

Page 243: How to bale water out of your boat.
First, procure a scoop.
Second, immerse the scoop in the pool of water
until full.
Third, pour the water away outside the boat
Fourth, continue until the pool of water has gone.

17/05/19 8:34:16

Are you taking me for a ride?

13/05/19 9:34:40

We had nothing like this when I was a kid. Only rides on the back of a Woolly Mammoth!

13/05/19 9:33:21

"What's eating you??"

12/05/19 15:47:45

"Take that silly wig off! You can't hide from me!"

12/05/19 15:43:13

Ask yourself: "Do I feel lucky?"
Well do ya, pump?

12/05/19 9:31:46

You'll only feel a little prick!

12/05/19 9:29:02

"How long have we got?"

"She's already taken on a lot of water...pretty soon, she'll be listing, then she'll take everything on board down with her..."

"Evacuate?"

"Aye!"

08/05/19 21:21:58

THREE MEN IN A B̶O̶A̶T̶ TRUCK.

08/05/19 21:17:32

One large portion of Spaghettifloss!

06/05/19 15:29:29

"What do you expect me to do?"

"There's only one thing I can do!"

"Stick my fork in it and eat it!"

05/05/19 19:47:15

We've been waiting until half-time for this photo opportunity and then you go and get your kit covered in mud! It's not on!!

29/04/19 13:20:35

Wax and polish?

29/04/19 8:50:27

Isn't it wonderful how we all met on Facebook all those years ago? And finally we get to meet like this...it's fantastic!

28/04/19 21:27:04

Are you guys lost??
No, we're looking for snacks. Have you got any?

28/04/19 21:23:25

"They said the ice caps were melting...I just didn't think it would reach Hemel..."

27/04/19 20:34:29

I don't need a riot shield - just a handbag!"

27/04/19 20:32:53

"Why are the wipers on the windshield? We need wipers for the seats!"

22/04/19 20:07:05

T minus 10 seconds...9......8......7......6.......5......Ignition!
All Engines Running! (He's a bright spark that one!)

22/04/19 19:46:11

So you want to be a ̶J̶e̶d̶i̶ Car jacker...

22/04/19 19:43:01

Check out the new Microscope App!

15/04/19 22:32:58

"White Raven calling John Rambo...
Talk to me Johnny..."

15/04/19 13:34:55

Your flies are undone mate!

21/03/19 23:46:01

"Now pick up all the trimmings if you want to get paid!" they said.

09/03/19 8:57:25

Trust me to get the wrong field!!

09/03/19 8:54:59

It's a Tunesy!

09/03/19 8:50:01

"Im gonna need a bigger mower!"
"The type that you sit on - looks like a quad bike!"
"This is ridiculous - I'm not working for £5 a hectare any more!!"

09/03/19 8:41:28

"How do I take a selfie??"

08/02/19 10:23:36

"Today I thought I'd start with a clean sheet!"

19/01/19 21:01:11

This food is brilliant! If I get tired of carrying it, I can just roll it home!

15/01/19 18:20:21

"Watch the birdie!"

07/01/19 14:37:47

"Save your photos 'till we reach the finishing line!"

07/01/19 10:14:20

"A Director, A Director - my share in royalties for a Director!"

04/01/19 22:54:00

'M': "Bond! I need you to come in immediately!"

Bond: "I'll come in when I've finished the job!"

04/01/19 22:48:32

"I'm not in the mood for a carnival, just a vodka martini or two.."

04/01/19 22:29:48

"This is my quantum of solace moment..."

04/01/19 22:25:06

"Damn! My cover's blown. I should've stopped touching my ear!!"

04/01/19 22:21:02

" Double O breathless!! - there's absolutely no ventilation in this silly costume!"

04/01/19 22:17:47

"Ever since 'M' had me suspended, I wanted to prove I could be different..."

04/01/19 22:14:00

"I just came to pick up my other half.."

01/01/19 13:22:16

April foal! It's made of polystyrene!

01/01/19 13:20:25

I hate my job 'cos they always make me wear a suit! It's just not really me!

01/01/19 11:14:13

"What's this message? 'Dear customer, please help us with our Kickstarter campaign...'"

01/01/19 10:35:47

Man: "Waiter! I ordered Stew, NOT SHOE !!"
Waiter: "Welly good, sir."

01/01/19 10:29:34

"He' been petrified since he had that night-mare!"

31/12/18 11:12:17

"I've fallen out with my chauffeur."

29/12/18 11:27:31

"The design was adapted from a similar one used in Roman times, called a 'chariot'..."

29/12/18 10:14:34

"You've heard of the Fatbike? Well, this is the Fatcar".

26/12/18 10:44:56

This car doesn't get stuck in traffic. The traffic sticks to IT!

25/12/18 16:29:42

My name is Slim Pickens, but I wanna be Rich!

25/12/18 16:22:30

I had no use for whale blubber, until now..

25/12/18 12:57:58

"Friends, we just need to give one big final push up to the top! Are you ready??"

25/12/18 10:36:32

"I've made it to first base. Now all I need is a roof ladder!"

22/12/18 21:14:14

"What's eating you???"

21/12/18 18:39:02

"I'm as bright as a button. Just don't push me!"

21/12/18 18:34:24

Point and shoot! That's what I was trained for!

17/12/18 11:04:31

I'm Hungry. Have you got any more of that frozen pizza?

16/12/18 19:43:21

"I hope it doesn't rein-deer!!"

16/12/18 17:04:29

"He was a good salesman. That's all I can say!!"

12/12/18 11:09:05

"High security bunker for sale in excellent condition. Only requires a replacement lid..."

20/11/18 20:56:31

"They're all training to be bouncers."

20/11/18 18:23:38

"Would you like milk and sugar?"

"Er, no. Just a couple of oars and a harpoon gun please!"

18/11/18 16:48:13

"Give us a wave!"

18/11/18 15:42:11

"I'm going to need a bigger boat!"

18/11/18 15:40:59

Following a series of raids at the Gotham City Foodbank, police still have no clue as to who is responsible...

18/11/18 15:23:51

"The Batman costume had already gone. This was the closest match..."

18/11/18 15:21:19

"Sure I can do a Billy Connolly impersonation!"

18/11/18 15:19:08

Back to the future? NO! Back to the drawing board!

18/11/18 15:14:56

"So I got the position right, but now I can't go anywhere..."

16/11/18 18:25:29

"I'll give you five seconds to get that sign out of my face!!"

16/11/18 18:06:05

"Just before I go any deeper, is it submersible??"

16/11/18 18:03:25

"Food is my friend. Anytime, any hour!"

16/11/18 17:35:23

"From this point on, the climb gets much harder!"

16/11/18 17:33:14

"I'm a big man but I'm outta shape - with me, eating is my full-time job!"

16/11/18 17:24:27

"Mind the gap! The gap between me and my next meal!!!"

16/11/18 17:20:12

"Take nothing but rock samples. Leave nothing but footprints..."

16/11/18 17:13:12