lol

"Our next song, 'Stairlift to Heaven'"

10/06/19 3:15:35

"Your March driver is Mo, he enjoys talking about the weather, moaning about the news and overcharging you."

27/04/20 23:22:57

creative

Wow, trick or treat has changed since I was a kid.

26/09/18 0:07:47

...Kind Regards. The EU.

21/03/20 4:32:54

lol

The Toilet Zone

06/05/20 21:22:32

Apple grumble

24/01/19 20:05:03

I'm not saying self-isolation is lowering my standards or anything, but i definitely would.

24/03/20 15:20:43

lol

"My wife was right, yours is bigger than mine."

21/08/19 18:11:25

Hey! Watch where you're firing those ping pong balls.

01/03/19 21:08:19

lol

"Take me home Dave. They can find someone else to ride that skateboard"

26/11/19 9:45:44

100m pub crawl.

17/11/19 8:28:53

You think that's impressive? You should see his buns.

09/04/19 0:32:57

"Beware, the sauce is strong with this one"

26/01/19 15:07:44

The High Sheriff

18/10/18 16:39:36

Grazed and confused.

21/11/19 8:18:40

McDonald's Inc

18/12/21 21:27:33

I've heard he has a 'Very good boy' rating on Uber.

08/08/20 15:51:56

"If they ask, say you were driving and the cat came out of nowhere."

24/03/20 9:20:45

Man arrested for domestic abuse after hitting the bottle.

30/10/19 10:12:03

"we've run out of toilet paper, darn it!."

15/09/19 21:57:19

"What the hell is Goldilocks doing in our bed?"

13/07/19 13:43:47

Stiff drink

06/04/19 22:46:04

A square earth? That's ridiculous.
Everyone knows it's flat.

23/02/19 13:24:17

Sole Food

31/12/18 21:29:17

Is there a window open in here? I can feel a giraffe.

02/10/18 12:36:13

WARNING: HEAVY LOAD

01/12/21 5:33:06

¡sɐɯʇsıɹɥɔ ʎɹɹǝɯ

27/04/20 16:16:17

Behind that smile, Gary is desperately missing the football.

25/03/20 17:55:18

"Congratulations on your purchase of your new wife, instructions are included."

22/03/20 8:23:35

"That's disgusting,what kind of sick freak wants to read books?"

05/02/20 21:05:02

Visible panty line.

13/10/19 4:01:38

"Mummy, can i have one of those Vladimir Putin toys?"

08/10/19 23:42:38

Well, this sign is a pain in the neck isn't it?

02/09/19 13:46:32

Nan down.

19/08/19 23:22:53

"When do we tell him that he's adopted?"

11/09/18 21:52:01

"It's not perfect, one of them has a chip on his shoulder"

"Don't worry that'll be fixed in January."

18/11/20 17:18:41

Unfortunately they were too late, Yoga had been executed 2 hours earlier.

16/05/20 16:43:11

Adjust Do It.

26/10/19 10:50:04

I'm going to put this in a butty.

15/09/19 17:59:56

"i swear to you, i really am a Nigerian prince with 67 million pounds to give away."

10/09/19 14:43:41

"Put down the salad madam and come with me in an elderly fashion."

02/10/18 12:39:15

Man's best Freud.

22/09/18 20:39:34

Yuri Ga-ga-rin

06/01/22 18:15:57

I'm never trusting Tinder again.

22/12/21 20:23:35

"What an Eiffel!"

25/08/20 19:54:10

Personally i don't see the lure.

13/05/20 13:43:29

CSI:Lilliput

28/04/20 23:01:41

"I bet John, Paul, George and Ringo never had this f*****g problem."

03/03/20 10:00:33

Gator aid.

29/02/20 15:00:31

Madonna's looking well.

17/12/19 12:15:12

He arrived in his U-Oeuf-O.

24/11/19 16:24:26

Crow: "Then the woman at the airport said to me 'any carry on?', then i said no thank you I've just eaten. Get it? Carry on sounds like carrion"
Cat: "This is why i cant take you to parties"

02/09/19 13:51:51

Quick, step on it, they're on our trail.

22/07/19 8:17:18

The type of family that always gets labeled.

01/07/19 17:11:09

Yes he's adopted, nobody wanted him because of way he looks. I guess nobody wants a ginger kid.

20/12/21 22:01:07

"I'm looking for a supplier for a big meal coming up, can you do it?"

02/12/21 9:20:55

The year 2041 and pubs are finally open.

24/01/21 17:37:57

This was the high point of his day.

21/05/20 15:22:52

Sundae Girl

27/01/20 19:06:29

"Where is the pastor anyway?"
"God knows"

08/11/19 0:05:46

If she spins any quicker we'll be able to see her snickers.

04/11/19 0:06:37

"I'll be right back, just going for a knit."

15/09/19 19:35:07

Day 27: I'm starting the think the cows have figured i'm not one of them.

20/08/19 23:31:00

Madame Tussauds unveiled their new Jeremy Clarkson waxwork today.

07/08/19 14:33:03

Hovis where the heart is.

30/07/19 16:00:33

"Alexa, show me a large plaice to stay in."

24/06/19 0:48:58

Toy Gory 3

09/06/19 3:27:10

"Loosen your grip Smurfette! He's turning blue!"

04/06/19 2:54:22

Optician: "Better with, or without?"
Patient: "Definitely without"

28/02/19 15:35:05

Light headed

22/01/19 0:06:46

Road Tr.i.p

11/10/18 19:25:27

The result of Madame Tussauds budget cuts.

29/09/18 1:47:52

"The official juice of Jehovah's witnesses"

25/08/18 21:53:58

"How do I get him to sleep?"
"Rocket"

06/01/22 18:12:13

You'd look like that too if you had a Bounty on your head for a long time.

17/12/21 21:31:15

I'm pretty sure they want to hold more than his hand.

15/12/21 6:00:44

"Hi, my name is Walt, I'm 42 and i like my relationships how I like my balloons, no strings attached. Looking forward to reading your messages.

23/11/21 0:15:36

Next up: Woman breaks up with partner after he refused to get rid of his Garfield collection.

22/06/21 23:51:10

"Room to let, very spacious. Furniture included. £2000 per month."

18/08/20 14:03:45

Thank god they changed from last year, the needles kept falling out and pricking people.

05/08/20 13:01:40

Stable relationship.

30/05/20 11:02:57

Corona Veras.

05/05/20 23:00:55

"Is this knot meant to be this loo....."

30/04/20 20:11:21

Whose clever idea was it to get Tarantino to direct the remake of 'The Snowman '?

07/04/20 3:23:51

Gran-child

14/03/20 15:54:08

This was a string quartet, until Mary and Charles decided to go on holiday to Italy.

11/03/20 0:13:52

"May not be suitable for lesbians"

01/03/20 9:21:04

Maybe the "Scream until your face goes red then pass out" competition wasn't such a good idea.

28/02/20 11:12:22

"We shall bite on the beaches..."

29/01/20 9:26:09

"Clean up in aisle 5!"

27/01/20 22:38:00

"Don't worry kids, he's just itching himself."

18/11/19 17:12:12

"and for my next trick i'll shall make these cards disappear"

28/09/19 23:04:53

"When i said i wanted the Britney Spears look, this is not what i had in mind."

18/09/19 18:39:23

Does anyone know any bodybuilders"‹?

12/09/19 16:49:10

Ah, the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the angry man punching the vending machine because his 50p won't work.

20/08/19 23:24:52

Barbie-Q

13/08/19 23:17:31

"New ears resolution, that's really good, have you thought about entering on caption.me?

08/08/19 14:04:06

Insects on the beach.

21/07/19 18:37:22

I only took it in to fixodent.

10/06/19 22:06:18

Donald Trump's new member of staff.

23/04/19 15:44:53