lol

"Our next song, 'Stairlift to Heaven'"

10/06/19 3:15:35

creative

Wow, trick or treat has changed since I was a kid.

26/09/18 0:07:47

Apple grumble

24/01/19 20:05:03

lol

"My wife was right, yours is bigger than mine."

21/08/19 18:11:25

Hey! Watch where you're firing those ping pong balls.

01/03/19 21:08:19

lol

"Take me home Dave. They can find someone else to ride that skateboard"

26/11/19 9:45:44

100m pub crawl.

17/11/19 8:28:53

You think that's impressive? You should see his buns.

09/04/19 0:32:57

"Beware, the sauce is strong with this one"

26/01/19 15:07:44

The High Sheriff

18/10/18 16:39:36

Grazed and confused.

21/11/19 8:18:40

Man arrested for domestic abuse after hitting the bottle.

30/10/19 10:12:03

"we've run out of toilet paper, darn it!."

15/09/19 21:57:19

"What the hell is Goldilocks doing in our bed?"

13/07/19 13:43:47

Stiff drink

06/04/19 22:46:04

A square earth? That's ridiculous.
Everyone knows it's flat.

23/02/19 13:24:17

Sole Food

31/12/18 21:29:17

Is there a window open in here? I can feel a giraffe.

02/10/18 12:36:13

Visible panty line.

13/10/19 4:01:38

"Mummy, can i have one of those Vladimir Putin toys?"

08/10/19 23:42:38

Well, this sign is a pain in the neck isn't it?

02/09/19 13:46:32

Nan down.

19/08/19 23:22:53

"When do we tell him that he's adopted?"

11/09/18 21:52:01

Adjust Do It.

26/10/19 10:50:04

I'm going to put this in a butty.

15/09/19 17:59:56

"i swear to you, i really am a Nigerian prince with 67 million pounds to give away."

10/09/19 14:43:41

"Put down the salad madam and come with me in an elderly fashion."

02/10/18 12:39:15

Man's best Freud.

22/09/18 20:39:34

Madonna's looking well.

17/12/19 12:15:12

He arrived in his U-Oeuf-O.

24/11/19 16:24:26

Crow: "Then the woman at the airport said to me 'any carry on?', then i said no thank you I've just eaten. Get it? Carry on sounds like carrion"
Cat: "This is why i cant take you to parties"

02/09/19 13:51:51

Quick, step on it, they're on our trail.

22/07/19 8:17:18

The type of family that always gets labeled.

01/07/19 17:11:09

"Where is the pastor anyway?"
"God knows"

08/11/19 0:05:46

If she spins any quicker we'll be able to see her snickers.

04/11/19 0:06:37

"I'll be right back, just going for a knit."

15/09/19 19:35:07

Day 27: I'm starting the think the cows have figured i'm not one of them.

20/08/19 23:31:00

Madame Tussauds unveiled their new Jeremy Clarkson waxwork today.

07/08/19 14:33:03

Hovis where the heart is.

30/07/19 16:00:33

"Alexa, show me a large plaice to stay in."

24/06/19 0:48:58

Toy Gory 3

09/06/19 3:27:10

"Loosen your grip Smurfette! He's turning blue!"

04/06/19 2:54:22

Optician: "Better with, or without?"
Patient: "Definitely without"

28/02/19 15:35:05

Light headed

22/01/19 0:06:46

Road Tr.i.p

11/10/18 19:25:27

The result of Madame Tussauds budget cuts.

29/09/18 1:47:52

"The official juice of Jehovah's witnesses"

25/08/18 21:53:58

"Don't worry kids, he's just itching himself."

18/11/19 17:12:12

"and for my next trick i'll shall make these cards disappear"

28/09/19 23:04:53

"When i said i wanted the Britney Spears look, this is not what i had in mind."

18/09/19 18:39:23

Does anyone know any bodybuilders​?

12/09/19 16:49:10

Ah, the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the angry man punching the vending machine because his 50p won't work.

20/08/19 23:24:52

Barbie-Q

13/08/19 23:17:31

"New ears resolution, that's really good, have you thought about entering on caption.me?

08/08/19 14:04:06

Insects on the beach.

21/07/19 18:37:22

I only took it in to fixodent.

10/06/19 22:06:18

Donald Trump's new member of staff.

23/04/19 15:44:53

"As soon as Alice entered the rabbit hole, she knew she was in serious trouble."

21/04/19 0:28:57

"Don't worry darling I'm only on water tonight"

27/02/19 20:14:01

Heston Blumenthal has gone too far this time.

08/02/19 22:03:28

And Dave went on to fail his first aid course.

04/02/19 20:27:15

The face you make when your mum sews up your best ripped shirt.

13/09/18 15:38:14

"Mum! The handyman from Narnia is here again!"

12/09/18 11:46:18

Re-creation of a men's bathroom

23/08/18 11:32:10

Cow, spotted, in park.

16/08/18 23:46:59

"Hmm, delayed your bus is."

18/12/19 5:08:47

"and the ref is going to VAR for the verdict on this tattoo, and the decision is... it's crap"

20/11/19 8:15:20

"And who are you wearing tonight?
"Stella"
"McCartney?"
"No, Artois."

19/10/19 23:43:26

Beechware

14/10/19 17:36:17

The Ten Condiments

07/10/19 23:35:51

"Mr Trump would you please sit still, I'm trying to finish your make up."

29/09/19 10:19:22

Fairy Dogmother

24/09/19 8:35:33

Great British Bark Off

22/09/19 8:09:39

New store opens in Lilliput.

16/09/19 7:28:50

Vidal Saloon

14/09/19 0:40:03

Things got messy when Dave attempted the Tree pose.

01/09/19 14:15:38

Waiter, there's a fly in my desert.

21/07/19 18:36:55

Trump: "This won't do at all, it doesn't have a border".

13/07/19 22:05:36

"I told you to get the gluten free porridge!"

13/07/19 14:37:45

The scheduled 4:20 delivery.

12/07/19 18:29:04

Privates investigator.

11/07/19 18:50:10

"That damn question mark still isn't stopping them coming down here"

05/07/19 8:35:02

Blue tits

26/06/19 0:56:20

Caution: May contain images of an extra mature nature.

22/06/19 2:48:19

"Sorry, got to go, the mother-in-law is here"

12/06/19 0:08:07

"Bob took his hand off his long rifle and started stroking the pussy"
I'm starting to think a WWII audio book wasn't such a good idea.

18/03/19 20:36:58

I've seen some cool hairstyles but you can't hold a candle to this one.

03/03/19 23:42:17

Gelatoad

03/03/19 5:00:08

"I have to warn you sir that we have rats"
"Sounds nice to me, I'll have that"

01/02/19 21:43:23

What a novel idea!!

21/10/18 19:21:16

"Large sir?"
"Yes it is, thank you for noticing"

02/10/18 20:26:03

If you're in the car,then who did I just hit?

02/10/18 3:14:37

Justin Bieber's private jet

07/09/18 11:31:24

"See darling, when i said you looked like a back of a bus, it was a compliment."

02/01/20 6:08:35

Boyle in the bag.

20/12/19 7:32:07

"Dave, did you go out in my best f**cking dressing gown again?"

18/12/19 5:11:56

"Waiter there's something wrong with my muffin.... I ordered chocolate."

24/11/19 9:48:05

Mood:Bored

06/11/19 5:00:47

Quality Street wear.

04/11/19 17:13:31

Dairy-ère

01/11/19 17:13:24

"Please sir, this is the last time i warn you to not get your cock out in your garden."

24/10/19 23:44:14

"yeah i don't think this suit is working for me"

"have you tried turning it off and on again?"

19/10/19 23:31:39

Wash and hoe.

15/10/19 0:20:29

Theres something up with Dave, he must have a bee in his barnet.

14/10/19 22:11:08

"Is that Cumulo Nimbus?"
"No, i think she's next."

13/10/19 15:50:13

"All clear down here, no sign of any clowns."

10/10/19 16:20:28

Makes a change from the s**t usually coming from the opposite direction.

04/10/19 1:35:34

Good Vellas

01/10/19 4:00:16

"Yes darling I'm on my way home, and I've picked up that Indian just like you asked."

26/09/19 17:09:21

"You know full well that green isn't my colour."

24/09/19 8:31:36

"Going 50mph in a 30mph zone? That's a wookie mistake."

19/09/19 19:40:16

"You idiot, it said Naturalist convention."

11/09/19 15:30:30

He's a rising star.

10/09/19 20:47:50

Jason Pawhees

02/09/19 21:57:35

No urinating in front of a window.

24/08/19 11:06:51

Spotted dicks.

22/08/19 11:55:37

D-Unstable Tower

09/08/19 21:27:36

Horseplay

06/08/19 22:11:35

"I don't know what happened, the last thing i remember was looking at my phone bill"

06/08/19 17:45:45

No wonder house prices are rising.

30/07/19 16:01:48

See sore.

28/07/19 19:05:35

Small fortune teller.

08/07/19 3:57:42

Katie Price reveals bold new look.

03/07/19 19:03:31

"My license is clean , i swear."

29/06/19 23:33:53

Andy Serkis caught in a bad mood on set.

29/06/19 15:29:24

Welcome to Salisbury.

27/06/19 19:07:37

"Don't worry darling I'm fine, it's just a scratch"

27/06/19 18:53:33

"And he sinks the two footer, that's going to take a couple of flushes to get rid of"

24/06/19 18:30:27

"Right, that's the easy bit done, now time for the Hard part."

12/06/19 16:07:40

"No sorry, this is the wrong Windows helpline."

09/05/19 0:13:10

"Jean, when i said do a sculpture of Dick, i meant your husband."

18/04/19 21:37:42

"If you could choose one picture to sum up Brexit, what would it be?"

14/04/19 1:26:42

6 pack of bacon

16/03/19 22:09:12

Jimmy wasn't very impressed by Bon Jovi's new look.

01/03/19 21:03:42

"And in the red corner, The Blaster made from alabaster!!"

26/02/19 15:13:57

*walks into mechanics* "Can I have a Goodyear please?"
"Well 1966 wasn't too shabby"

23/02/19 21:30:44

Kim Kardashian's latest Instagram post didn't go down too well.

11/02/19 19:53:50

Terrible tragedy after nobody could agree about the safe word.

18/10/18 20:20:54

Dog fouling has ballooned in recent years

13/10/18 12:46:05

The Polar Impressed

11/10/18 19:16:16

The high point of his day.

09/10/18 19:51:25

"Do you mind? I'm trying to breastfeed the invisible mans baby"

08/10/18 2:09:09

I'd highly recommend this place, got lots of Pedigree.

05/10/18 12:37:19

The doctor said I could get diabetes if I carry on like this. I wonder what diabetes taste like.

19/09/18 22:19:12

First cum, first served.

17/09/18 19:29:32

"What's the charge?" "Impersonating Piers Morgan"

10/09/18 12:20:25

Is that BT? I'm having trouble with my web.

05/09/18 22:04:07

"Extreme Rides" by James Corden

26/08/18 9:59:35

1 bedroom house, very spacious. Must see.

17/08/18 23:04:51

"I'm on my way, just got to shower and shave."

"ok Susan, see you soon."

12/01/20 0:32:12

"I see you're here for the Bananaman rally"
"The what?"

04/01/20 8:42:44

Two tones, one coupe.

04/01/20 8:32:14

I'm lost, do you know sign language?

01/01/20 4:48:11

The Cat in the Lap.

24/12/19 16:51:01

"Mojito please barman."
"Virgin?"
"Yes i'll have one of them too."

23/12/19 1:34:53

"Mum, your delivery is here!"

20/12/19 7:14:36

"special" delivery

20/12/19 7:12:45

Garden variety muffin.

13/12/19 4:13:08

Sinkin' feline.

08/12/19 12:13:57

Sweat proof.

05/12/19 20:14:19

"Now playing: Fat Lip - Sum 41."

25/11/19 1:45:34

Prince Andrew spotted for the first time since his disasterous interview.

23/11/19 6:55:53

"Hi welcome to the party, just leave your bags over there"

22/11/19 15:39:51

"Wrap artist wins Turner prize"

20/11/19 17:23:04

Seriously, who would trust someone with narcolepsy to look after their baby?

18/11/19 3:47:03

I got it on part exchange.

17/11/19 0:01:43

New evolutionary species discovered..On Instagram.

11/11/19 18:59:35

"Hurry up, they're reloading!"

11/11/19 1:37:30

"Hello Mrs Jenkins i see you didn't bring Ginger in for his appointment today"
"Sorry about that, he was run-down"
"I'm so sorry to hear that, my thoughts are with you"

07/11/19 0:45:51

"A great cardboard cutout, probably the greatest cardboard cutout there's ever been."

02/11/19 22:48:52

"yeah those ones have already been screened."

01/11/19 0:07:04

"Don't look at me like that Susan, you're the one that told me to water it"

27/10/19 14:12:39

He must have got a yappy ending.

24/10/19 23:38:37

As seen on Ring Pulls Drag Race.

19/10/19 23:34:44

"Hey, hows the abstinence going?"

08/10/19 15:19:12

"You let go"
"No, you let go"
"I'll let go if you let go first"

07/10/19 16:45:33

Deenmed faulty due to gloomy outlook for Great Britain's future.

03/10/19 6:31:12

Driving Miss Guided

02/10/19 1:01:37

"Red bottom?"
"Yeah i shouldn't of had the curry last night."

01/10/19 8:57:16

"Are you 100% sure you dropped your phone in here?"

21/09/19 4:46:56

Surely a better place would have been near the jugular?

18/09/19 18:36:38

Bac-on trend.

17/09/19 1:58:05

"I bought these because i saw them on the deli."

16/09/19 22:07:00

The Big Famished Giant.

16/09/19 7:32:44

Pulled pork.

15/09/19 17:37:46

In the summer he takes a bit off the top.

14/09/19 0:29:44

Paws and reflect.

06/09/19 23:09:34

He had someone in his life he could always look up to.

04/09/19 15:37:43

"Is this what it's like when the humans watch the microwave?"

28/08/19 0:09:43

"See? I told you those eggs looked a bit funny."

24/08/19 18:27:44

"Cedar sign?"
"No i missed it"

24/08/19 10:29:51

"Give me another, i'm not driving."

22/08/19 9:49:00

E.T phone Just Eat.

21/08/19 15:11:36

Dog food.

20/08/19 23:06:45

Bulls-high

19/08/19 15:52:35

I had to take mine back, it had a hole in it.

09/08/19 15:40:20

The council had to take Jurassic measures.

08/08/19 21:51:37

"Somebody call the RSPCAaaaaaaaah!"

08/08/19 15:35:05

Prune My Ride

07/08/19 9:22:42

Typical Dave, always over reacting.

29/07/19 17:41:45