lol

"Our next song, 'Stairlift to Heaven'"

10/06/19 4:15:35

creative

Wow, trick or treat has changed since I was a kid.

26/09/18 1:07:47

...Kind Regards. The EU.

21/03/20 4:32:54

Apple grumble

24/01/19 20:05:03

I'm not saying self-isolation is lowering my standards or anything, but i definitely would.

24/03/20 15:20:43

lol

"My wife was right, yours is bigger than mine."

21/08/19 19:11:25

Hey! Watch where you're firing those ping pong balls.

01/03/19 21:08:19

lol

"Take me home Dave. They can find someone else to ride that skateboard"

26/11/19 9:45:44

100m pub crawl.

17/11/19 8:28:53

You think that's impressive? You should see his buns.

09/04/19 1:32:57

"Beware, the sauce is strong with this one"

26/01/19 15:07:44

The High Sheriff

18/10/18 17:39:36

Grazed and confused.

21/11/19 8:18:40

"If they ask, say you were driving and the cat came out of nowhere."

24/03/20 9:20:45

Man arrested for domestic abuse after hitting the bottle.

30/10/19 10:12:03

"we've run out of toilet paper, darn it!."

15/09/19 22:57:19

"What the hell is Goldilocks doing in our bed?"

13/07/19 14:43:47

Stiff drink

06/04/19 23:46:04

A square earth? That's ridiculous.
Everyone knows it's flat.

23/02/19 13:24:17

Sole Food

31/12/18 21:29:17

Is there a window open in here? I can feel a giraffe.

02/10/18 13:36:13

Behind that smile, Gary is desperately missing the football.

25/03/20 17:55:18

"Congratulations on your purchase of your new wife, instructions are included."

22/03/20 8:23:35

"That's disgusting,what kind of sick freak wants to read books?"

05/02/20 21:05:02

Visible panty line.

13/10/19 5:01:38

"Mummy, can i have one of those Vladimir Putin toys?"

09/10/19 0:42:38

Well, this sign is a pain in the neck isn't it?

02/09/19 14:46:32

Nan down.

20/08/19 0:22:53

"When do we tell him that he's adopted?"

11/09/18 22:52:01

Adjust Do It.

26/10/19 11:50:04

I'm going to put this in a butty.

15/09/19 18:59:56

"i swear to you, i really am a Nigerian prince with 67 million pounds to give away."

10/09/19 15:43:41

"Put down the salad madam and come with me in an elderly fashion."

02/10/18 13:39:15

Man's best Freud.

22/09/18 21:39:34

"I bet John, Paul, George and Ringo never had this f*****g problem."

03/03/20 10:00:33

Gator aid.

29/02/20 15:00:31

Madonna's looking well.

17/12/19 12:15:12

He arrived in his U-Oeuf-O.

24/11/19 16:24:26

Crow: "Then the woman at the airport said to me 'any carry on?', then i said no thank you I've just eaten. Get it? Carry on sounds like carrion"
Cat: "This is why i cant take you to parties"

02/09/19 14:51:51

Quick, step on it, they're on our trail.

22/07/19 9:17:18

The type of family that always gets labeled.

01/07/19 18:11:09

Sundae Girl

27/01/20 19:06:29

"Where is the pastor anyway?"
"God knows"

08/11/19 0:05:46

If she spins any quicker we'll be able to see her snickers.

04/11/19 0:06:37

"I'll be right back, just going for a knit."

15/09/19 20:35:07

Day 27: I'm starting the think the cows have figured i'm not one of them.

21/08/19 0:31:00

Madame Tussauds unveiled their new Jeremy Clarkson waxwork today.

07/08/19 15:33:03

Hovis where the heart is.

30/07/19 17:00:33

"Alexa, show me a large plaice to stay in."

24/06/19 1:48:58

Toy Gory 3

09/06/19 4:27:10

"Loosen your grip Smurfette! He's turning blue!"

04/06/19 3:54:22

Optician: "Better with, or without?"
Patient: "Definitely without"

28/02/19 15:35:05

Light headed

22/01/19 0:06:46

Road Tr.i.p

11/10/18 20:25:27

The result of Madame Tussauds budget cuts.

29/09/18 2:47:52

"The official juice of Jehovah's witnesses"

25/08/18 22:53:58

Gran-child

14/03/20 15:54:08

This was a string quartet, until Mary and Charles decided to go on holiday to Italy.

11/03/20 0:13:52

"May not be suitable for lesbians"

01/03/20 9:21:04

Maybe the "Scream until your face goes red then pass out" competition wasn't such a good idea.

28/02/20 11:12:22

"We shall bite on the beaches..."

29/01/20 9:26:09

"Clean up in aisle 5!"

27/01/20 22:38:00

"Don't worry kids, he's just itching himself."

18/11/19 17:12:12

"and for my next trick i'll shall make these cards disappear"

29/09/19 0:04:53

"When i said i wanted the Britney Spears look, this is not what i had in mind."

18/09/19 19:39:23

Does anyone know any bodybuilders​?

12/09/19 17:49:10

Ah, the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the angry man punching the vending machine because his 50p won't work.

21/08/19 0:24:52

Barbie-Q

14/08/19 0:17:31

"New ears resolution, that's really good, have you thought about entering on caption.me?

08/08/19 15:04:06

Insects on the beach.

21/07/19 19:37:22

I only took it in to fixodent.

10/06/19 23:06:18

Donald Trump's new member of staff.

23/04/19 16:44:53

"As soon as Alice entered the rabbit hole, she knew she was in serious trouble."

21/04/19 1:28:57

"Don't worry darling I'm only on water tonight"

27/02/19 20:14:01

Heston Blumenthal has gone too far this time.

08/02/19 22:03:28

And Dave went on to fail his first aid course.

04/02/19 20:27:15

The face you make when your mum sews up your best ripped shirt.

13/09/18 16:38:14

"Mum! The handyman from Narnia is here again!"

12/09/18 12:46:18

Re-creation of a men's bathroom

23/08/18 12:32:10

Cow, spotted, in park.

17/08/18 0:46:59

"Yep, that definitely wasn't just a fart."

16/03/20 0:01:26

Are these skinless? Because I'm looking for something kosher.

01/03/20 17:27:27

Brass Monkey

20/02/20 21:40:48

"And that's why they call me Big Mac"

02/02/20 21:03:17

"Hmm, delayed your bus is."

18/12/19 5:08:47

"and the ref is going to VAR for the verdict on this tattoo, and the decision is... it's crap"

20/11/19 8:15:20

"And who are you wearing tonight?
"Stella"
"McCartney?"
"No, Artois."

20/10/19 0:43:26

Beechware

14/10/19 18:36:17

The Ten Condiments

08/10/19 0:35:51

"Mr Trump would you please sit still, I'm trying to finish your make up."

29/09/19 11:19:22

Fairy Dogmother

24/09/19 9:35:33

Great British Bark Off

22/09/19 9:09:39

New store opens in Lilliput.

16/09/19 8:28:50

Vidal Saloon

14/09/19 1:40:03

Things got messy when Dave attempted the Tree pose.

01/09/19 15:15:38

Waiter, there's a fly in my desert.

21/07/19 19:36:55

Trump: "This won't do at all, it doesn't have a border".

13/07/19 23:05:36

"I told you to get the gluten free porridge!"

13/07/19 15:37:45

The scheduled 4:20 delivery.

12/07/19 19:29:04

Privates investigator.

11/07/19 19:50:10

"That damn question mark still isn't stopping them coming down here"

05/07/19 9:35:02

Blue tits

26/06/19 1:56:20

Caution: May contain images of an extra mature nature.

22/06/19 3:48:19

"Sorry, got to go, the mother-in-law is here"

12/06/19 1:08:07

"Bob took his hand off his long rifle and started stroking the pussy"
I'm starting to think a WWII audio book wasn't such a good idea.

18/03/19 20:36:58

I've seen some cool hairstyles but you can't hold a candle to this one.

03/03/19 23:42:17

Gelatoad

03/03/19 5:00:08

"I have to warn you sir that we have rats"
"Sounds nice to me, I'll have that"

01/02/19 21:43:23

What a novel idea!!

21/10/18 20:21:16

"Large sir?"
"Yes it is, thank you for noticing"

02/10/18 21:26:03

If you're in the car,then who did I just hit?

02/10/18 4:14:37

Justin Bieber's private jet

07/09/18 12:31:24

In Dr seuss' alternative universe, Wrong One was always more flamboyant than Wrong Two.

Wed 16:23:32

Action Moan

27/03/20 18:11:25

"I'm gonna marry that girl"

07/03/20 15:46:33

"I did warn him not to open that '2 girls 1 cup' email."

29/02/20 2:09:52

Wow, looks like all that royal work has taken it's toll on Kate.

26/02/20 15:41:14

Looks like someone got a toy with her Happy Meal.

02/02/20 21:12:36

Second thoughts.

27/01/20 0:11:11

"See darling, when i said you looked like a back of a bus, it was a compliment."

02/01/20 6:08:35

Boyle in the bag.

20/12/19 7:32:07

"Dave, did you go out in my best f**cking dressing gown again?"

18/12/19 5:11:56

"Waiter there's something wrong with my muffin.... I ordered chocolate."

24/11/19 9:48:05

Mood:Bored

06/11/19 5:00:47

Quality Street wear.

04/11/19 17:13:31

Dairy-ère

01/11/19 17:13:24

"Please sir, this is the last time i warn you to not get your cock out in your garden."

25/10/19 0:44:14

"yeah i don't think this suit is working for me"

"have you tried turning it off and on again?"

20/10/19 0:31:39

Wash and hoe.

15/10/19 1:20:29

Theres something up with Dave, he must have a bee in his barnet.

14/10/19 23:11:08

"Is that Cumulo Nimbus?"
"No, i think she's next."

13/10/19 16:50:13

"All clear down here, no sign of any clowns."

10/10/19 17:20:28

Makes a change from the s**t usually coming from the opposite direction.

04/10/19 2:35:34

Good Vellas

01/10/19 5:00:16

"Yes darling I'm on my way home, and I've picked up that Indian just like you asked."

26/09/19 18:09:21

"You know full well that green isn't my colour."

24/09/19 9:31:36

"Going 50mph in a 30mph zone? That's a wookie mistake."

19/09/19 20:40:16

"You idiot, it said Naturalist convention."

11/09/19 16:30:30

He's a rising star.

10/09/19 21:47:50

Jason Pawhees

02/09/19 22:57:35

No urinating in front of a window.

24/08/19 12:06:51

Spotted dicks.

22/08/19 12:55:37

D-Unstable Tower

09/08/19 22:27:36

Horseplay

06/08/19 23:11:35

"I don't know what happened, the last thing i remember was looking at my phone bill"

06/08/19 18:45:45

No wonder house prices are rising.

30/07/19 17:01:48

See sore.

28/07/19 20:05:35

Small fortune teller.

08/07/19 4:57:42

Katie Price reveals bold new look.

03/07/19 20:03:31

"My license is clean , i swear."

30/06/19 0:33:53

Andy Serkis caught in a bad mood on set.

29/06/19 16:29:24

Welcome to Salisbury.

27/06/19 20:07:37

"Don't worry darling I'm fine, it's just a scratch"

27/06/19 19:53:33

"And he sinks the two footer, that's going to take a couple of flushes to get rid of"

24/06/19 19:30:27

"Right, that's the easy bit done, now time for the Hard part."

12/06/19 17:07:40

"No sorry, this is the wrong Windows helpline."

09/05/19 1:13:10

"Jean, when i said do a sculpture of Dick, i meant your husband."

18/04/19 22:37:42

"If you could choose one picture to sum up Brexit, what would it be?"

14/04/19 2:26:42

6 pack of bacon

16/03/19 22:09:12

Jimmy wasn't very impressed by Bon Jovi's new look.

01/03/19 21:03:42

"And in the red corner, The Blaster made from alabaster!!"

26/02/19 15:13:57

*walks into mechanics* "Can I have a Goodyear please?"
"Well 1966 wasn't too shabby"

23/02/19 21:30:44

Kim Kardashian's latest Instagram post didn't go down too well.

11/02/19 19:53:50

Terrible tragedy after nobody could agree about the safe word.

18/10/18 21:20:54

Dog fouling has ballooned in recent years

13/10/18 13:46:05

The Polar Impressed

11/10/18 20:16:16

The high point of his day.

09/10/18 20:51:25

"Do you mind? I'm trying to breastfeed the invisible mans baby"

08/10/18 3:09:09

I'd highly recommend this place, got lots of Pedigree.

05/10/18 13:37:19

The doctor said I could get diabetes if I carry on like this. I wonder what diabetes taste like.

19/09/18 23:19:12

First cum, first served.

17/09/18 20:29:32

"What's the charge?" "Impersonating Piers Morgan"

10/09/18 13:20:25

Is that BT? I'm having trouble with my web.

05/09/18 23:04:07

"Extreme Rides" by James Corden

26/08/18 10:59:35

1 bedroom house, very spacious. Must see.

18/08/18 0:04:51

So much emulsion in one picture.

30/03/20 21:23:31

Dr Myers will see you now.

27/03/20 11:42:57

He's probably got woodworms.

09/03/20 23:09:51

I love it when i get that winning feline.

09/03/20 23:05:58

"Great idea Jan, letting him wear what he wants, just look at him, who on earth chooses blue dungarees nowadays?"

08/03/20 10:23:13

"You sure this was the only ladder about?"
"Yep, looked everywhere."

05/03/20 1:54:41

4 star rating on Trust a Trader.

04/03/20 19:09:33

"Hello madam can i help you?"
"yes I'm looking for something in Navy"

02/03/20 16:05:08

Bichon Freeze

25/02/20 0:09:43

"Celebs before they were famous, this week featuring Katie Hopkins"

24/02/20 9:54:15

"Hey Dave, you're on fire right now."
"Thanks mate, thats really nice of you to say."

15/02/20 1:14:07

"I think i remember seeing this awful onesie but it's just a blur"

11/02/20 6:47:31

"Quick, look the eider way"

09/02/20 8:58:30

"Don't you just hate it when someone wears the same outfit as you?"

08/02/20 18:05:27

Girlz in the Hood

05/02/20 16:15:25

Maritime bliss.

29/01/20 22:03:00

"I'm on my way, just got to shower and shave."

"ok Susan, see you soon."

12/01/20 0:32:12

Two tones, one coupe.

04/01/20 8:32:14

I'm lost, do you know sign language?

01/01/20 4:48:11

The Cat in the Lap.

24/12/19 16:51:01

"Mojito please barman."
"Virgin?"
"Yes i'll have one of them too."

23/12/19 1:34:53

"Mum, your delivery is here!"

20/12/19 7:14:36

"special" delivery

20/12/19 7:12:45

Garden variety muffin.

13/12/19 4:13:08

Sinkin' feline.

08/12/19 12:13:57