lol

"Our next song, 'Stairlift to Heaven'"

10/06/19 4:15:35

creative

Wow, trick or treat has changed since I was a kid.

26/09/18 1:07:47

Apple grumble

24/01/19 20:05:03

lol

"My wife was right, yours is bigger than mine."

21/08/19 19:11:25

Hey! Watch where you're firing those ping pong balls.

01/03/19 21:08:19

You think that's impressive? You should see his buns.

09/04/19 1:32:57

"Beware, the sauce is strong with this one"

26/01/19 15:07:44

The High Sheriff

18/10/18 17:39:36

"What the hell is Goldilocks doing in our bed?"

13/07/19 14:43:47

Stiff drink

06/04/19 23:46:04

A square earth? That's ridiculous.
Everyone knows it's flat.

23/02/19 13:24:17

Sole Food

31/12/18 21:29:17

Is there a window open in here? I can feel a giraffe.

02/10/18 13:36:13

Well, this sign is a pain in the neck isn't it?

02/09/19 14:46:32

Nan down.

20/08/19 0:22:53

"When do we tell him that he's adopted?"

11/09/18 22:52:01

"i swear to you, i really am a Nigerian prince with 67 million pounds to give away."

10/09/19 15:43:41

"Put down the salad madam and come with me in an elderly fashion."

02/10/18 13:39:15

Man's best Freud.

22/09/18 21:39:34

Crow: "Then the woman at the airport said to me 'any carry on?', then i said no thank you I've just eaten. Get it? Carry on sounds like carrion"
Cat: "This is why i cant take you to parties"

02/09/19 14:51:51

Quick, step on it, they're on our trail.

22/07/19 9:17:18

The type of family that always gets labeled.

01/07/19 18:11:09

Day 27: I'm starting the think the cows have figured i'm not one of them.

21/08/19 0:31:00

Madame Tussauds unveiled their new Jeremy Clarkson waxwork today.

07/08/19 15:33:03

Hovis where the heart is.

30/07/19 17:00:33

"Alexa, show me a large plaice to stay in."

24/06/19 1:48:58

Toy Gory 3

09/06/19 4:27:10

"Loosen your grip Smurfette! He's turning blue!"

04/06/19 3:54:22

Optician: "Better with, or without?"
Patient: "Definitely without"

28/02/19 15:35:05

Light headed

22/01/19 0:06:46

Road Tr.i.p

11/10/18 20:25:27

The result of Madame Tussauds budget cuts.

29/09/18 2:47:52

"The official juice of Jehovah's witnesses"

25/08/18 22:53:58

Does anyone know any bodybuilders​?

Thu 17:49:10

Ah, the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the angry man punching the vending machine because his 50p won't work.

21/08/19 0:24:52

Barbie-Q

14/08/19 0:17:31

"New ears resolution, that's really good, have you thought about entering on caption.me?

08/08/19 15:04:06

Insects on the beach.

21/07/19 19:37:22

I only took it in to fixodent.

10/06/19 23:06:18

Donald Trump's new member of staff.

23/04/19 16:44:53

"As soon as Alice entered the rabbit hole, she knew she was in serious trouble."

21/04/19 1:28:57

"Don't worry darling I'm only on water tonight"

27/02/19 20:14:01

Heston Blumenthal has gone too far this time.

08/02/19 22:03:28

And Dave went on to fail his first aid course.

04/02/19 20:27:15

The face you make when your mum sews up your best ripped shirt.

13/09/18 16:38:14

"Mum! The handyman from Narnia is here again!"

12/09/18 12:46:18

Re-creation of a men's bathroom

23/08/18 12:32:10

Cow, spotted, in park.

17/08/18 0:46:59

Vidal Saloon

Sat 1:40:03

Things got messy when Dave attempted the Tree pose.

01/09/19 15:15:38

Waiter, there's a fly in my desert.

21/07/19 19:36:55

Trump: "This won't do at all, it doesn't have a border".

13/07/19 23:05:36

"I told you to get the gluten free porridge!"

13/07/19 15:37:45

The scheduled 4:20 delivery.

12/07/19 19:29:04

Privates investigator.

11/07/19 19:50:10

"That damn question mark still isn't stopping them coming down here"

05/07/19 9:35:02

Blue tits

26/06/19 1:56:20

Caution: May contain images of an extra mature nature.

22/06/19 3:48:19

"Sorry, got to go, the mother-in-law is here"

12/06/19 1:08:07

"Bob took his hand off his long rifle and started stroking the pussy"
I'm starting to think a WWII audio book wasn't such a good idea.

18/03/19 20:36:58

I've seen some cool hairstyles but you can't hold a candle to this one.

03/03/19 23:42:17

Gelatoad

03/03/19 5:00:08

"I have to warn you sir that we have rats"
"Sounds nice to me, I'll have that"

01/02/19 21:43:23

What a novel idea!!

21/10/18 20:21:16

"Large sir?"
"Yes it is, thank you for noticing"

02/10/18 21:26:03

If you're in the car,then who did I just hit?

02/10/18 4:14:37

Justin Bieber's private jet

07/09/18 12:31:24

"You idiot, it said Naturalist convention."

Wed 16:30:30

He's a rising star.

10/09/19 21:47:50

Jason Pawhees

02/09/19 22:57:35

No urinating in front of a window.

24/08/19 12:06:51

Spotted dicks.

22/08/19 12:55:37

D-Unstable Tower

09/08/19 22:27:36

Horseplay

06/08/19 23:11:35

"I don't know what happened, the last thing i remember was looking at my phone bill"

06/08/19 18:45:45

No wonder house prices are rising.

30/07/19 17:01:48

See sore.

28/07/19 20:05:35

Small fortune teller.

08/07/19 4:57:42

Katie Price reveals bold new look.

03/07/19 20:03:31

"My license is clean , i swear."

30/06/19 0:33:53

Andy Serkis caught in a bad mood on set.

29/06/19 16:29:24

Welcome to Salisbury.

27/06/19 20:07:37

"Don't worry darling I'm fine, it's just a scratch"

27/06/19 19:53:33

"And he sinks the two footer, that's going to take a couple of flushes to get rid of"

24/06/19 19:30:27

"Right, that's the easy bit done, now time for the Hard part."

12/06/19 17:07:40

"No sorry, this is the wrong Windows helpline."

09/05/19 1:13:10

"Jean, when i said do a sculpture of Dick, i meant your husband."

18/04/19 22:37:42

"If you could choose one picture to sum up Brexit, what would it be?"

14/04/19 2:26:42

6 pack of bacon

16/03/19 22:09:12

Jimmy wasn't very impressed by Bon Jovi's new look.

01/03/19 21:03:42

"And in the red corner, The Blaster made from alabaster!!"

26/02/19 15:13:57

*walks into mechanics* "Can I have a Goodyear please?"
"Well 1966 wasn't too shabby"

23/02/19 21:30:44

Kim Kardashian's latest Instagram post didn't go down too well.

11/02/19 19:53:50

Terrible tragedy after nobody could agree about the safe word.

18/10/18 21:20:54

Dog fouling has ballooned in recent years

13/10/18 13:46:05

The Polar Impressed

11/10/18 20:16:16

The high point of his day.

09/10/18 20:51:25

"Do you mind? I'm trying to breastfeed the invisible mans baby"

08/10/18 3:09:09

I'd highly recommend this place, got lots of Pedigree.

05/10/18 13:37:19

The doctor said I could get diabetes if I carry on like this. I wonder what diabetes taste like.

19/09/18 23:19:12

First cum, first served.

17/09/18 20:29:32

"What's the charge?" "Impersonating Piers Morgan"

10/09/18 13:20:25

Is that BT? I'm having trouble with my web.

05/09/18 23:04:07

"Extreme Rides" by James Corden

26/08/18 10:59:35

1 bedroom house, very spacious. Must see.

18/08/18 0:04:51

In the summer he takes a bit off the top.

Sat 1:29:44

Paws and reflect.

07/09/19 0:09:34

He had someone in his life he could always look up to.

04/09/19 16:37:43

"Is this what it's like when the humans watch the microwave?"

28/08/19 1:09:43

"See? I told you those eggs looked a bit funny."

24/08/19 19:27:44

"Cedar sign?"
"No i missed it"

24/08/19 11:29:51

"Give me another, i'm not driving."

22/08/19 10:49:00

E.T phone Just Eat.

21/08/19 16:11:36

Dog food.

21/08/19 0:06:45

Bulls-high

19/08/19 16:52:35

I had to take mine back, it had a hole in it.

09/08/19 16:40:20

The council had to take Jurassic measures.

08/08/19 22:51:37

"Somebody call the RSPCAaaaaaaaah!"

08/08/19 16:35:05

Prune My Ride

07/08/19 10:22:42

Typical Dave, always over reacting.

29/07/19 18:41:45

"Did you get that door i wanted?"
"Don't worry about it, I'm on top of it"

28/07/19 19:58:43

Hot Wheels.

16/07/19 15:36:55

This year for Halloween i was planning to go as an arrogant politician who thinks he's better than everyone else and hates immigrants. Unfortunately they sold out of Niger Farage so this will have to do.

13/07/19 23:02:21

If that's where she puts her money, i dread to think where she puts her change.

08/07/19 4:58:40

The Riddler on the route.

04/07/19 18:04:27

"What the hell is that doing there? My shower gel doesn't belong there."

28/06/19 19:11:32

Comes with a free magazine.

28/06/19 17:36:10

High Iron content

24/06/19 23:39:05

This Michael Jackson album charade is awful, how was i supposed to know it was "Thriller"?.

24/06/19 1:46:46

One refers to a work of fiction written about someone in a land far far away, surrounded by good and bad guys..The other one is Shrek.

23/06/19 4:00:00

Piers Morgan gets recognised on holiday.

18/06/19 2:22:49

The paintwork brushes up well.

10/06/19 22:43:34

I'm sure there's a footballing cliché to describe this but i just cant think of it.

07/06/19 21:31:55

🎶Near,far, no access by car🎶

07/06/19 3:55:14

"Mum, don't use the hair removal cream, there's been a terrible mix up"

07/06/19 3:47:40

The Last Snapper

09/05/19 1:07:00

"I'm so sorry, i did tell Dave not to play after curry night, you should hop in the shower"

30/04/19 0:43:20

He's a 5-a-day type of guy.

24/04/19 0:20:06

Looks like someone got shitfaced last night

22/04/19 23:11:50

Smiley faeces.

08/04/19 0:21:29

The new Nigel Farage exhibit.

06/04/19 16:35:54

The sound of their knees cracking after they got up could be heard miles away.

04/04/19 0:19:19

"How's the new job going?"
"Yeah its great, I'm buzzing"

03/04/19 5:31:52

"Yeah I guess I should have listened more, I thought Earth, Live & Neutral were a band"

03/04/19 5:29:53

"Give me a minute, it's in here somewhere"

02/04/19 5:37:06

Nissan Skyhigh

28/03/19 22:47:00

"So Sachin, tell me how the ceiling collapse affected you"

28/03/19 7:17:43

"He has literally just thrown his toys out of the pram, how are we gonna afford a new PlayStation?"

27/03/19 17:23:31

"Roll up! Roll Up!"

18/03/19 1:29:35

You think that's bad? Just wait and see what the firing squad is.

06/03/19 1:18:05

Missing poodle. Police only have one lead to go by.

04/03/19 8:12:12

Raspberry Ribbit flavour

02/03/19 21:30:15

Shell company

01/03/19 23:08:32

"Where do you keep your horses?"

27/02/19 14:39:56

That's the last time he'll tell his wife to be quiet.

17/02/19 18:26:21

Naked Goon

16/02/19 2:24:08

The Martial Arts and Crafts club.

13/02/19 17:54:37

Pianist enlargement

07/02/19 18:12:05

"Ask me how I'm "feline" again, I dare you"

28/01/19 4:12:37

"Oh that little thing? It's a funny story actually."

26/01/19 20:20:59

Breaking News: Horrible bike accident injures boy and alien.

23/01/19 17:57:30

"This isn't what I meant when I said I liked being turned on"

22/01/19 20:56:22

High Horse

31/12/18 21:33:06

"Hi my name's Dave, what's yours?
"I'm death"
"I'M SORRY, I SAID WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!"

04/11/18 3:55:17

Forget Gotham City Batman, Obese City is your first priority.

21/10/18 17:51:45

Josh widdecombe was definitely having second thoughts about getting married.

17/10/18 16:58:33

"Sorry, I left my change in my other boots"

17/10/18 3:13:02

That reminds me, I need to buy some balloons tomorrow.

16/10/18 0:01:41

It was a dead heat in the Katie Price lookalike contest.

15/10/18 20:34:07

Not what he wasn't expecting when he was sentenced to two whips.

15/10/18 0:56:29

I wouldn't eat those, they're Shiite

15/10/18 0:55:22

"Amphibian?"
"No I'm telling the truth"

13/10/18 13:44:56

Headline: Piers Morgan pictured after heavy night out.

13/10/18 13:44:16

Cheesy Feet

13/10/18 0:25:29

"From what I've seen so far you're a natural."

08/10/18 0:22:49

Beach bum

05/10/18 23:12:38

"This place got robbed last week"
"Any leads"
"No they just took the cash"

05/10/18 13:40:32

Senior Board Member

05/10/18 1:26:37

"Quick we need a doctor!"
"I'm a tree surgeon, does that count?"

03/10/18 14:06:08

"What a dog!"
"She ain't that bad"

01/10/18 18:41:47

"Tena on the old lady!"

01/10/18 1:28:47

Wanna be in my will do you? Then you'll have to earn it.

01/10/18 1:23:15

*Caution* Beware of pop-ups in the pool.

30/09/18 0:28:47

Weight adjusted for inflation

29/09/18 14:09:27

This guy has too much on his plate.

27/09/18 12:04:44

The Mary Berry Collection

26/09/18 14:47:27

Inner ear inspection

24/09/18 22:50:10

"Dr I'm having a ruff day"
"Is that meant to be funny?"

22/09/18 21:38:17

This is what i use to test your grandad's prostate

21/09/18 22:47:17

Dave was delighted when he finally got his picture taken with Casper the ghost.

19/09/18 13:17:07

I swear to you it was Eamonn Holmes officer.

19/09/18 13:15:40

Local McDonald's vandalised: police are looking for a bearded suspect wearing a crown and a cloak.

16/09/18 12:39:04

He was looking for a sign from above, then it hit him.

16/09/18 12:36:04

If thats where Tom is, I definitely don't wanna see where Jerry is.

16/09/18 1:02:55

I remember the good old times here. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.

14/09/18 12:44:28

When he couldn't talk his brother down, he knew further steps had to be taken.

13/09/18 13:24:37

"Wow, you must be flexible"
"Well I can do Tuesdays and Thursdays"

12/09/18 13:31:23

They knew they would be famous because they had a big duck following.

11/09/18 23:37:40

He must have ordered this on his Lil-i-pad

11/09/18 22:40:21

Nothing will get between him and Annette

11/09/18 13:31:43