lol

"Our next song, 'Stairlift to Heaven'"

10/06/19 3:15:35

creative

Wow, trick or treat has changed since I was a kid.

26/09/18 0:07:47

Apple grumble

24/01/19 20:05:03

lol

"My wife was right, yours is bigger than mine."

21/08/19 18:11:25

Hey! Watch where you're firing those ping pong balls.

01/03/19 21:08:19

100m pub crawl.

Sun 8:28:53

You think that's impressive? You should see his buns.

09/04/19 0:32:57

"Beware, the sauce is strong with this one"

26/01/19 15:07:44

The High Sheriff

18/10/18 16:39:36

Man arrested for domestic abuse after hitting the bottle.

30/10/19 10:12:03

"we've run out of toilet paper, darn it!."

15/09/19 21:57:19

"What the hell is Goldilocks doing in our bed?"

13/07/19 13:43:47

Stiff drink

06/04/19 22:46:04

A square earth? That's ridiculous.
Everyone knows it's flat.

23/02/19 13:24:17

Sole Food

31/12/18 21:29:17

Is there a window open in here? I can feel a giraffe.

02/10/18 12:36:13

Visible panty line.

13/10/19 4:01:38

"Mummy, can i have one of those Vladimir Putin toys?"

08/10/19 23:42:38

Well, this sign is a pain in the neck isn't it?

02/09/19 13:46:32

Nan down.

19/08/19 23:22:53

"When do we tell him that he's adopted?"

11/09/18 21:52:01

Adjust Do It.

26/10/19 10:50:04

I'm going to put this in a butty.

15/09/19 17:59:56

"i swear to you, i really am a Nigerian prince with 67 million pounds to give away."

10/09/19 14:43:41

"Put down the salad madam and come with me in an elderly fashion."

02/10/18 12:39:15

Man's best Freud.

22/09/18 20:39:34

Crow: "Then the woman at the airport said to me 'any carry on?', then i said no thank you I've just eaten. Get it? Carry on sounds like carrion"
Cat: "This is why i cant take you to parties"

02/09/19 13:51:51

Quick, step on it, they're on our trail.

22/07/19 8:17:18

The type of family that always gets labeled.

01/07/19 17:11:09

"Where is the pastor anyway?"
"God knows"

08/11/19 0:05:46

If she spins any quicker we'll be able to see her snickers.

04/11/19 0:06:37

"I'll be right back, just going for a knit."

15/09/19 19:35:07

Day 27: I'm starting the think the cows have figured i'm not one of them.

20/08/19 23:31:00

Madame Tussauds unveiled their new Jeremy Clarkson waxwork today.

07/08/19 14:33:03

Hovis where the heart is.

30/07/19 16:00:33

"Alexa, show me a large plaice to stay in."

24/06/19 0:48:58

Toy Gory 3

09/06/19 3:27:10

"Loosen your grip Smurfette! He's turning blue!"

04/06/19 2:54:22

Optician: "Better with, or without?"
Patient: "Definitely without"

28/02/19 15:35:05

Light headed

22/01/19 0:06:46

Road Tr.i.p

11/10/18 19:25:27

The result of Madame Tussauds budget cuts.

29/09/18 1:47:52

"The official juice of Jehovah's witnesses"

25/08/18 21:53:58

"Don't worry kids, he's just itching himself."

Mon 17:12:12

"and for my next trick i'll shall make these cards disappear"

28/09/19 23:04:53

"When i said i wanted the Britney Spears look, this is not what i had in mind."

18/09/19 18:39:23

Does anyone know any bodybuilders​?

12/09/19 16:49:10

Ah, the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the angry man punching the vending machine because his 50p won't work.

20/08/19 23:24:52

Barbie-Q

13/08/19 23:17:31

"New ears resolution, that's really good, have you thought about entering on caption.me?

08/08/19 14:04:06

Insects on the beach.

21/07/19 18:37:22

I only took it in to fixodent.

10/06/19 22:06:18

Donald Trump's new member of staff.

23/04/19 15:44:53

"As soon as Alice entered the rabbit hole, she knew she was in serious trouble."

21/04/19 0:28:57

"Don't worry darling I'm only on water tonight"

27/02/19 20:14:01

Heston Blumenthal has gone too far this time.

08/02/19 22:03:28

And Dave went on to fail his first aid course.

04/02/19 20:27:15

The face you make when your mum sews up your best ripped shirt.

13/09/18 15:38:14

"Mum! The handyman from Narnia is here again!"

12/09/18 11:46:18

Re-creation of a men's bathroom

23/08/18 11:32:10

Cow, spotted, in park.

16/08/18 23:46:59

"And who are you wearing tonight?
"Stella"
"McCartney?"
"No, Artois."

19/10/19 23:43:26

Beechware

14/10/19 17:36:17

The Ten Condiments

07/10/19 23:35:51

"Mr Trump would you please sit still, I'm trying to finish your make up."

29/09/19 10:19:22

Fairy Dogmother

24/09/19 8:35:33

Great British Bark Off

22/09/19 8:09:39

New store opens in Lilliput.

16/09/19 7:28:50

Vidal Saloon

14/09/19 0:40:03

Things got messy when Dave attempted the Tree pose.

01/09/19 14:15:38

Waiter, there's a fly in my desert.

21/07/19 18:36:55

Trump: "This won't do at all, it doesn't have a border".

13/07/19 22:05:36

"I told you to get the gluten free porridge!"

13/07/19 14:37:45

The scheduled 4:20 delivery.

12/07/19 18:29:04

Privates investigator.

11/07/19 18:50:10

"That damn question mark still isn't stopping them coming down here"

05/07/19 8:35:02

Blue tits

26/06/19 0:56:20

Caution: May contain images of an extra mature nature.

22/06/19 2:48:19

"Sorry, got to go, the mother-in-law is here"

12/06/19 0:08:07

"Bob took his hand off his long rifle and started stroking the pussy"
I'm starting to think a WWII audio book wasn't such a good idea.

18/03/19 20:36:58

I've seen some cool hairstyles but you can't hold a candle to this one.

03/03/19 23:42:17

Gelatoad

03/03/19 5:00:08

"I have to warn you sir that we have rats"
"Sounds nice to me, I'll have that"

01/02/19 21:43:23

What a novel idea!!

21/10/18 19:21:16

"Large sir?"
"Yes it is, thank you for noticing"

02/10/18 20:26:03

If you're in the car,then who did I just hit?

02/10/18 3:14:37

Justin Bieber's private jet

07/09/18 11:31:24

Mood:Bored

06/11/19 5:00:47

Quality Street wear.

04/11/19 17:13:31

Dairy-ère

01/11/19 17:13:24

"Please sir, this is the last time i warn you to not get your cock out in your garden."

24/10/19 23:44:14

"yeah i don't think this suit is working for me"

"have you tried turning it off and on again?"

19/10/19 23:31:39

Wash and hoe.

15/10/19 0:20:29

Theres something up with Dave, he must have a bee in his barnet.

14/10/19 22:11:08

"Is that Cumulo Nimbus?"
"No, i think she's next."

13/10/19 15:50:13

"All clear down here, no sign of any clowns."

10/10/19 16:20:28

Makes a change from the s**t usually coming from the opposite direction.

04/10/19 1:35:34

Good Vellas

01/10/19 4:00:16

"Yes darling I'm on my way home, and I've picked up that Indian just like you asked."

26/09/19 17:09:21

"You know full well that green isn't my colour."

24/09/19 8:31:36

"Going 50mph in a 30mph zone? That's a wookie mistake."

19/09/19 19:40:16

"You idiot, it said Naturalist convention."

11/09/19 15:30:30

He's a rising star.

10/09/19 20:47:50

Jason Pawhees

02/09/19 21:57:35

No urinating in front of a window.

24/08/19 11:06:51

Spotted dicks.

22/08/19 11:55:37

D-Unstable Tower

09/08/19 21:27:36

Horseplay

06/08/19 22:11:35

"I don't know what happened, the last thing i remember was looking at my phone bill"

06/08/19 17:45:45

No wonder house prices are rising.

30/07/19 16:01:48

See sore.

28/07/19 19:05:35

Small fortune teller.

08/07/19 3:57:42

Katie Price reveals bold new look.

03/07/19 19:03:31

"My license is clean , i swear."

29/06/19 23:33:53

Andy Serkis caught in a bad mood on set.

29/06/19 15:29:24

Welcome to Salisbury.

27/06/19 19:07:37

"Don't worry darling I'm fine, it's just a scratch"

27/06/19 18:53:33

"And he sinks the two footer, that's going to take a couple of flushes to get rid of"

24/06/19 18:30:27

"Right, that's the easy bit done, now time for the Hard part."

12/06/19 16:07:40

"No sorry, this is the wrong Windows helpline."

09/05/19 0:13:10

"Jean, when i said do a sculpture of Dick, i meant your husband."

18/04/19 21:37:42

"If you could choose one picture to sum up Brexit, what would it be?"

14/04/19 1:26:42

6 pack of bacon

16/03/19 22:09:12

Jimmy wasn't very impressed by Bon Jovi's new look.

01/03/19 21:03:42

"And in the red corner, The Blaster made from alabaster!!"

26/02/19 15:13:57

*walks into mechanics* "Can I have a Goodyear please?"
"Well 1966 wasn't too shabby"

23/02/19 21:30:44

Kim Kardashian's latest Instagram post didn't go down too well.

11/02/19 19:53:50

Terrible tragedy after nobody could agree about the safe word.

18/10/18 20:20:54

Dog fouling has ballooned in recent years

13/10/18 12:46:05

The Polar Impressed

11/10/18 19:16:16

The high point of his day.

09/10/18 19:51:25

"Do you mind? I'm trying to breastfeed the invisible mans baby"

08/10/18 2:09:09

I'd highly recommend this place, got lots of Pedigree.

05/10/18 12:37:19

The doctor said I could get diabetes if I carry on like this. I wonder what diabetes taste like.

19/09/18 22:19:12

First cum, first served.

17/09/18 19:29:32

"What's the charge?" "Impersonating Piers Morgan"

10/09/18 12:20:25

Is that BT? I'm having trouble with my web.

05/09/18 22:04:07

"Extreme Rides" by James Corden

26/08/18 9:59:35

1 bedroom house, very spacious. Must see.

17/08/18 23:04:51

Seriously, who would trust someone with narcolepsy to look after their baby?

Mon 3:47:03

I got it on part exchange.

Sun 0:01:43

New evolutionary species discovered..On Instagram.

11/11/19 18:59:35

"Hurry up, they're reloading!"

11/11/19 1:37:30

"Hello Mrs Jenkins i see you didn't bring Ginger in for his appointment today"
"Sorry about that, he was run-down"
"I'm so sorry to hear that, my thoughts are with you"

07/11/19 0:45:51

"A great cardboard cutout, probably the greatest cardboard cutout there's ever been."

02/11/19 22:48:52

"yeah those ones have already been screened."

01/11/19 0:07:04

"Don't look at me like that Susan, you're the one that told me to water it"

27/10/19 14:12:39

He must have got a yappy ending.

24/10/19 23:38:37

As seen on Ring Pulls Drag Race.

19/10/19 23:34:44

"Hey, hows the abstinence going?"

08/10/19 15:19:12

"You let go"
"No, you let go"
"I'll let go if you let go first"

07/10/19 16:45:33

Deenmed faulty due to gloomy outlook for Great Britain's future.

03/10/19 6:31:12

Driving Miss Guided

02/10/19 1:01:37

"Red bottom?"
"Yeah i shouldn't of had the curry last night."

01/10/19 8:57:16

"Are you 100% sure you dropped your phone in here?"

21/09/19 4:46:56

Surely a better place would have been near the jugular?

18/09/19 18:36:38

Bac-on trend.

17/09/19 1:58:05

"I bought these because i saw them on the deli."

16/09/19 22:07:00

The Big Famished Giant.

16/09/19 7:32:44

Pulled pork.

15/09/19 17:37:46

In the summer he takes a bit off the top.

14/09/19 0:29:44

Paws and reflect.

06/09/19 23:09:34

He had someone in his life he could always look up to.

04/09/19 15:37:43

"Is this what it's like when the humans watch the microwave?"

28/08/19 0:09:43

"See? I told you those eggs looked a bit funny."

24/08/19 18:27:44

"Cedar sign?"
"No i missed it"

24/08/19 10:29:51

"Give me another, i'm not driving."

22/08/19 9:49:00

E.T phone Just Eat.

21/08/19 15:11:36

Dog food.

20/08/19 23:06:45

Bulls-high

19/08/19 15:52:35

I had to take mine back, it had a hole in it.

09/08/19 15:40:20

The council had to take Jurassic measures.

08/08/19 21:51:37

"Somebody call the RSPCAaaaaaaaah!"

08/08/19 15:35:05

Prune My Ride

07/08/19 9:22:42

Typical Dave, always over reacting.

29/07/19 17:41:45

"Did you get that door i wanted?"
"Don't worry about it, I'm on top of it"

28/07/19 18:58:43

Hot Wheels.

16/07/19 14:36:55

This year for Halloween i was planning to go as an arrogant politician who thinks he's better than everyone else and hates immigrants. Unfortunately they sold out of Niger Farage so this will have to do.

13/07/19 22:02:21

If that's where she puts her money, i dread to think where she puts her change.

08/07/19 3:58:40

The Riddler on the route.

04/07/19 17:04:27

"What the hell is that doing there? My shower gel doesn't belong there."

28/06/19 18:11:32

Comes with a free magazine.

28/06/19 16:36:10

High Iron content

24/06/19 22:39:05

This Michael Jackson album charade is awful, how was i supposed to know it was "Thriller"?.

24/06/19 0:46:46

One refers to a work of fiction written about someone in a land far far away, surrounded by good and bad guys..The other one is Shrek.

23/06/19 3:00:00

Piers Morgan gets recognised on holiday.

18/06/19 1:22:49

The paintwork brushes up well.

10/06/19 21:43:34

I'm sure there's a footballing cliché to describe this but i just cant think of it.

07/06/19 20:31:55

🎶Near,far, no access by car🎶

07/06/19 2:55:14

"Mum, don't use the hair removal cream, there's been a terrible mix up"

07/06/19 2:47:40

The Last Snapper

09/05/19 0:07:00

"I'm so sorry, i did tell Dave not to play after curry night, you should hop in the shower"

29/04/19 23:43:20

He's a 5-a-day type of guy.

23/04/19 23:20:06

Looks like someone got shitfaced last night

22/04/19 22:11:50

Smiley faeces.

07/04/19 23:21:29

The new Nigel Farage exhibit.

06/04/19 15:35:54

The sound of their knees cracking after they got up could be heard miles away.

03/04/19 23:19:19

"How's the new job going?"
"Yeah its great, I'm buzzing"

03/04/19 4:31:52

"Yeah I guess I should have listened more, I thought Earth, Live & Neutral were a band"

03/04/19 4:29:53

"Give me a minute, it's in here somewhere"

02/04/19 4:37:06