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Gavin Smithers

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captions

clever

"I'm afraid we're giving the part to Ursula Andress"

26/04/19 9:59:08

lol

"No, I won't say cheese."

03/05/19 21:13:37

"Let me in! I've lost my Florida keys!"

14/05/21 13:08:58

Using three children as a jack was working surprisingly well.

07/03/18 8:42:14

Oprah began to have second thoughts about the no holds barred Harry and Meghan documentary.

31/05/21 8:53:20

John Prescott, Scarborough, c 1950

16/03/21 21:06:28

Antennae Worrall Thompson

12/05/21 22:42:53

lol

"Yes, I'm the John McCririck of greyhound racing".

29/04/19 23:27:53

His mother told him that a lemon will clean a chopping board, but this one isn't co-operating.

14/04/19 20:40:56

"That bloody Diana's been here already, hasn't she?"

22/05/21 14:57:11

Uncle Jam

04/04/18 20:05:20

Air B n B

03/06/20 18:35:44

I'm sorry to say you need some new fillings

28/11/19 20:06:09

something unexpected in the bagging area

22/11/19 8:26:05

Mardi Gran

06/05/19 12:00:53

The winning entry in the cleanest toilet in Britain competition.

24/04/19 10:23:14

Another Day in Paradise- until Phil Collins arrives.

20/04/18 14:26:44

I can't stand him either. --Dave Bryan

They're all cabin crew from Slut Airways.

27/04/21 7:20:10

Tesco launch a new range of "wanky vegetables"

08/03/21 15:56:59

Venus Fleyetrap.

05/05/19 22:12:06

creative

And the Budget Funeral Plan includes a walking bus to the crematorium.

01/05/18 22:13:18

These paving stones aren't straight, according to Trip Advisor.

23/04/18 14:09:24

"She's surprisingly flexible because she's made from vulcanised rubber".

08/04/18 20:03:02

Mr Hancock said that he's dealing with an unprecedented pandemic and he hopes his wife will recover soon.

25/06/21 23:44:37

They expect you to lay your own table.

15/05/21 13:31:02

Emily's second interview with Slut Airlines was going rather well

14/05/21 13:00:19

We asked shoppers in Essex how they'd use this product. 95% said "spit"; 5% said "swallow".

22/04/21 23:15:17

And from that 95%, what percentage managed to successfully put soup on a spit? --Glyn Evans

clever

This erection won't stay hard for long.

07/02/21 17:03:17

The ban was brought in after a Gallup poll.

19/04/20 11:46:12

Corbyn says he went undercover and found out just how little the Conservatives wanted for the NHS.

27/11/19 20:05:41

"Philip Green just made a pass at me".

25/05/19 13:09:57

BBC managers remove all traces of Danny Baker.

13/05/19 1:07:31

"I've been waiting all morning to hear whether I'm joining plain clothes or going undercover".

05/05/18 20:44:53

83 million Americans are still waiting, because it didn't tell them to post the card.

30/04/18 23:07:46

Handsome profile. Dark brown hair and eyes. Strong nose and chin. And, in my lap, a piece of equipment you and I will make memories with.
But that's enough about me. Now, about my owner....

25/04/18 8:28:34

Where's the wardrobe?

09/04/18 12:40:08

The good news; the vasectomy's done. The bad news; it's a bit late.

18/05/21 8:13:49

Human Jenga always ends with someone getting hurt.

13/05/21 22:50:05

You asked for two lager tops.

03/05/21 13:19:11

Carnal tunnel syndrome

02/05/21 8:36:28

"Well,I used to be a children's book illustrator."

08/03/21 15:51:44

Couldn't you have shot it before it ate everything?

07/03/21 8:47:14

It wouldn't have been big enough to shoot yet. --Willie Johnson

Absolutely flabulous

20/05/20 23:43:28

Priti Patel? Oh, yes- very small, and very angry.

08/05/20 22:12:09

The next village is Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

16/04/20 23:25:36

Here you are, Sir- the most expensive dish on the menu.

05/04/20 21:16:39

As Elton says- the biggest kick I ever got- doing the Crocodile Rock.

25/03/20 21:25:04

WWEW - What Would Elton Wear? --Scrijjy Doo

The one on the right's a ventiloquist.

15/11/19 15:24:31

Spannerdau Ballet

04/07/19 22:15:05

Spannerduo --Troompa Loompa

It's Krissssss Akakbussssssssi

17/06/19 22:00:16

I almost put this myself! --Mr Dome

Pea Trevino

26/05/19 22:14:45

Flats 1-3 are compact, with a private aspect.

25/05/19 12:20:59

He never does the ironing before breakfast.

17/06/18 12:25:47

You can still see it's Michael Portillo.

07/06/18 11:21:12

Part of the Â£7 meal deal.

19/03/18 8:09:02

"This is NOT the Russian nerve agent we ordered, and I won't take a skateboard and a crackerjack pencil and pen instead".

18/03/18 16:37:20

We've found the hard rock. Where's the cafÃ©?

12/03/18 12:29:48

Boy George at Asda

05/03/18 21:31:32

Ok, you found me- these are the Blue Ridge Mountains and, yes, I am the Lonesome Pine.

28/02/18 12:00:57

Some erections are too big to be a comfortable ride.

04/06/21 21:12:06

"You've misfuelled. I told you not to use Shell."

26/05/21 22:35:31

Having driven the snakes out of Ireland, St Patrick had less success with the potatoes.

25/05/21 0:25:36

Chris Witty is now overseeing Public Health England's five a day campaign.

21/05/21 18:04:18

US medics publish the evidence which led them to ban the AstraZeneca vaccine.

17/05/21 23:05:55

We're making you an offer you can't understand

06/03/21 11:46:22

Fed on formula 1 milk

28/02/21 15:55:41

Moeen Ali is waiting to be recalled by England.

24/02/21 21:49:37

In some parts of London, people are embarrassed to admit they've got twins.

07/02/21 17:31:56

Orwell said the idea for "Animal Farm" came to him when he was young, during a post-coital cigarette.

20/06/20 22:44:58

"Thank you for joining us, Prof Robert Winston".

06/06/20 23:22:02

She's met her Waterloo. Paddington wasn't available.

31/05/20 20:50:21

See you later,ventilator

20/05/20 23:30:54

British Airways launch plan to cut in-flight catering costs by 90%

16/05/20 22:00:11

Brokeback Mounting

09/05/20 23:31:50

Tete a Teddy

17/04/20 16:53:06

I think this would work really well if you shortened Teddy to Ted. --Karyn Harrison

"So this is my prosthetic hand, and my old one's in this container".

25/03/20 19:08:04

Gazza at 52

15/03/20 22:11:10

Liberal Democrat Conference 2020

05/03/20 11:54:54

Jay Spearing

01/03/20 23:02:20

That's an extra Â£350 million a week for the NHS!

02/01/20 22:45:43

Eddie Jones says lineout practice should never stop.

02/01/20 22:17:16

M and S may be relying too heavily on its new range of lederhosen for blind amputees.

28/12/19 20:56:07

Back seat drivers.....

17/11/19 19:34:18

Peaky blinders see no evil, hear no evil

08/11/19 14:12:05

Work continues on the wing design of the Boeing 737 max.

23/06/19 15:40:45

The stuff of nightmares for anyone who's lost a contact lens

17/06/19 22:22:45

How IKEA began- and they're still dreaming about instructions that work.

13/06/19 17:31:14

In Which magazine tests, Ronseal didn't quite do what it said on the tin.

09/05/19 19:40:41

Small, but perfectly farmed.

06/05/18 20:30:10

Wall Street is much less noisy than you'd expect.

25/04/18 1:29:18

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

11/04/18 9:04:46

Only two seats were needed for the premier of Police Academy 36.

04/04/18 22:09:49

Left lower seven, occlusion, amalgam filling. All other teeth extracted.

30/03/18 10:58:17

"It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've got asbestos in the ceiling".

30/03/18 10:36:39

McMafia

04/03/18 8:56:53

When she told the men to measure the thickness of their own equipment she was only joking.

19/02/18 23:52:02

Remember, it's a sin to kill a mocking bird.

06/07/21 22:32:01

Ancient Fords are real pussywagons.

26/06/21 13:16:34

Riverdance- the farewell tour

25/06/21 23:46:41

"You're from the Chicken Marketing Board?"

08/06/21 19:42:08

08/06/21 19:40:34

He threw the microchips out by mistake.

05/06/21 16:06:44

She's inspecting the Coldstream Guards.

02/06/21 20:50:40

It's Kenneth Branagh's film of "The Winter's Tale".

01/06/21 17:21:11

Ozzy Osbourne gives Shrek a tour of Birmingham.

31/05/21 22:35:11

"Yes I can spell it for you. G-E-R-R-Y M-A-R-S-D-E-N."

28/05/21 21:12:01

The Pope finally endorses contraception. Featherlite.

25/05/21 0:33:25

Proof that Tom Cruise is only 5' 5" tall.

24/05/21 9:16:34

Or, to you and me, three minutes.

22/05/21 1:13:10

Formula one's not what it's cracked up to be.

22/05/21 1:10:01

GM= Frankenstein food; by Mary Shelley

22/05/21 1:07:03

Bird's Custard Light

21/05/21 18:35:26

Get it up with Durex Fetherlite.

21/05/21 18:32:45

Park and Ride.

21/05/21 18:21:42

Bryson Dechambeau is still bulking up.

19/05/21 21:37:48

Amber nectar or Amber Heard?

18/05/21 21:56:56

Why the long neck?

13/05/21 23:12:23

Istanbul- a mobile hotspot.

13/05/21 23:08:32

Davidoff eau de toilette

12/05/21 23:23:54

The fourth man looks like an H.

05/05/21 21:34:59

The nuts and bolts of showjumping.

05/05/21 21:33:09

Ronaldinho didn't take well to Brazilian prison life.

04/05/21 20:53:39

Vice-president visits Gobi Desert- Welcome, Camelaharrs.

04/05/21 20:43:39

Just ring the bell at that white house over there and an elderly man will come out and give you a few thousand dollars.

04/05/21 20:34:55

The children's crazy golf now has its own green keeper.

03/05/21 10:20:32

"Is there a Mr McCartney on board?"

01/05/21 10:31:18

It's a special free flight for frequent flyers.

01/05/21 10:23:49

"The falling tree suggests that a butterfly is flapping its wings in Moscow".

28/04/21 9:31:04

Try a "buy one get one free" offer for double penetration of the market.

22/04/21 22:52:15

Leaf and Been

28/03/21 18:32:20

Peaky childminders

18/03/21 22:53:06

He thinks he's on the Kop.

09/03/21 15:17:49

Ice Station Zebra was such a stupid title......

25/02/21 23:35:48

Interesting fact : the original title was Ice Machine in the Motel Lobby, but producers felt it didn't quite have that box office draw. --Mauris Iocus