Using three children as a jack was working surprisingly well.

07/03/18 8:42:14

His mother told him that a lemon will clean a chopping board, but this one isn't co-operating.

14/04/19 20:40:56

Uncle Jam

04/04/18 20:05:20

Another Day in Paradise- until Phil Collins arrives.

20/04/18 14:26:44

creative

And the Budget Funeral Plan includes a walking bus to the crematorium.

01/05/18 22:13:18

These paving stones aren't straight, according to Trip Advisor.

23/04/18 14:09:24

"She's surprisingly flexible because she's made from vulcanised rubber".

08/04/18 20:03:02

"I've been waiting all morning to hear whether I'm joining plain clothes or going undercover".

05/05/18 20:44:53

83 million Americans are still waiting, because it didn't tell them to post the card.

30/04/18 23:07:46

Handsome profile. Dark brown hair and eyes. Strong nose and chin. And, in my lap, a piece of equipment you and I will make memories with.
But that's enough about me. Now, about my owner....

25/04/18 8:28:34

Where's the wardrobe?

09/04/18 12:40:08

He never does the ironing before breakfast.

17/06/18 12:25:47

You can still see it's Michael Portillo.

07/06/18 11:21:12

Part of the £7 meal deal.

19/03/18 8:09:02

"This is NOT the Russian nerve agent we ordered, and I won't take a skateboard and a crackerjack pencil and pen instead".

18/03/18 16:37:20

We've found the hard rock. Where's the café?

12/03/18 12:29:48

Boy George at Asda

05/03/18 21:31:32

Ok, you found me- these are the Blue Ridge Mountains and, yes, I am the Lonesome Pine.

28/02/18 12:00:57

Small, but perfectly farmed.

06/05/18 20:30:10

Wall Street is much less noisy than you'd expect.

25/04/18 1:29:18

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

11/04/18 9:04:46

Only two seats were needed for the premier of Police Academy 36.

04/04/18 22:09:49

Left lower seven, occlusion, amalgam filling. All other teeth extracted.

30/03/18 10:58:17

"It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've got asbestos in the ceiling".

30/03/18 10:36:39

McMafia

04/03/18 8:56:53

When she told the men to measure the thickness of their own equipment she was only joking.

19/02/18 23:52:02

Haydn's Surprise Symphony.

Wed 23:05:57

"Why are they all exactly the same distance apart?"

"Well the guy with the glue misheard, so he put them up autistically".

14/04/19 22:20:46

"Oh No! Prince Philip's taken up flying?"

12/04/19 22:41:05

Network Rail has abandoned plans to play music on its trains, blaming the wrong kind of lines on the leaves.

12/04/19 22:15:07

"We're older now, but we're pitching to bring back What Not to Wear", say Trinny (left) and Susannah (right).

10/04/19 13:44:36

The American Ryder Cup team goes through security at Heathrow on its way home.

19/10/18 0:46:35

The Ikea standalone social housing flatpack occasionally has a few parts missing.

26/06/18 0:05:27

Chris Eubank now concedes that protein shakes and too much red meat are a dangerous combination.

17/06/18 22:39:36

The brochure says "miles of uncrowded, empty beaches" and they work hard to keep it that way.

17/06/18 22:35:48

They're sperm donor kebabs.

10/06/18 10:42:54

"I'm sorry, madam. We're still waiting for the straight bananas."

10/06/18 10:23:45

"I'm afraid that Toys 'R Us has ceased trading. Those of you with the green stars can stay. I suggest the rest of you apply to Pets at Home".

09/06/18 21:01:09

The National Trust's new signage- "Private gardens. No entry".

09/06/18 19:09:43

Another bad season for West Ham, but they're still blowing bubbles and apparently they've just signed Billy the Fish.

09/06/18 18:40:34

Primark has promised to try to keep plastic out of the ocean.

07/06/18 13:35:53

There's a dramatic front moving gradually south.

02/06/18 10:51:08

There was no sling at A and E so he had to put his broken arm in a paper plane.

01/06/18 14:05:31

"Hmm......I'll never get this cheese grater into the kitchen."

01/06/18 14:02:56

This radical solution to the problem of bed-blocking is about to be trialled by the patients on ward 13.

30/05/18 15:15:52

"look, officer, we told you not to chain your bike to that lamp post".

25/05/18 10:15:38

England have little to fear from the Baa-Baas' three quarter line.

25/05/18 10:04:13

I asked for two flat whites. They've run out of trays.

20/05/18 13:17:21

Local elections were held last week on the Isle of Dogs.

07/05/18 23:10:08

Because (Luke 5.37) "No man putteth new wine into old bottles".

03/05/18 23:13:13

They say we have a desperate thirst for the Holy Spirit.

03/05/18 22:53:37

Causes of flat-chestedness, chapter 1; overexposure to fizzy drinks, diesel fumes and sunburn.

03/05/18 11:20:39

The challenge for Community Service is getting the right equipment on site.

02/05/18 13:37:09

Grey, bloated, enlarged liver, 44% fat.....yep, he'll be having the pate.

01/05/18 22:31:30

The head transplant went well, except it was only available in xxl.

28/04/18 10:17:10

......but our policy on capitalisation, the indefinite article and syntax is casual.

26/04/18 23:29:59

A recovering alcoholic. An isolated hotel. A low light on a bald head. Must be the remake of The Shining.

25/04/18 1:51:54

Errol Brown was waiting all evening for Hot Chocolate.

25/04/18 1:46:58

Latest Batman film: the Penguin kidnaps the diminutive Rachel Stevens of the Britpop band Seal cub 7

23/04/18 22:11:14

I always thought Russell Brand was a bit self-obsessed.

22/04/18 10:12:57

The Arsenal chief executive said "We're not looking to replace Arsene Wenger with someone exactly the same".

22/04/18 1:35:04

"You're tho kind... but really, I'm a bigger thighs than you".

21/04/18 19:55:57

De air force is checking for gaps in de fence.

21/04/18 19:52:43

"Stop crying. It's called Toys R Us!".

19/04/18 23:27:36

Losing at musical chairs is always tough.

16/04/18 1:00:36

Spokesman for the Egg and Bacon marketing board.

12/04/18 13:38:57

The new Agatha Christie- "Death on the Tile".

09/04/18 17:23:38

"Spock told me Vulcans have to mate every 7 years. 24 seconds to go!"

08/04/18 20:09:16

The ugly sisters told her to smile, but Cinderella wasn't sure she'd get into the Ball in this outfit.

06/04/18 14:06:55

He swears he ain't misbeehiveing.

05/04/18 20:19:52

Burns Night at Frankie and Benny's

01/04/18 16:59:25

Winchester Town V Russia XI. He's just come off the bench.

01/04/18 8:42:24

Goodbye yellow brick roadrunner

26/03/18 23:13:34

Police Dog Units reported a retention crisis at their conference in Arizona.

26/03/18 1:20:28

"You're telling me you're Led Zeppelin and John Bonham will be here in a minute?"

26/03/18 1:06:52

Good to see that nursery classes are now learning the coordinates of a rhombus.

26/03/18 0:33:55

I keep having to tell the Americans I'm NOT Sealion Dion.

18/03/18 17:05:04

Back seat drivers!

11/03/18 22:34:25

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

11/03/18 0:20:22

Blue Planet 2; how rubber is polluting the Southern Ocean.

11/03/18 0:18:53

Huey Lewis's boy doesn't think it's hip to be square.

08/03/18 13:51:33

When the gastric band didn't work, the last resort was a lowbottomy.

06/03/18 23:26:58

And my Desert Island Disc is Blue Monkfish by Thelonious Monkfish.

26/02/18 21:55:24

After the Unmade Bed, artist Tracey Emin turns her attention to the School Dinner.

26/02/18 11:00:21

Team Sky's newest cyclist models their latest "cockroach" racing bike. It's a hard rubbery ride but it gets there in the end.

21/02/18 20:52:59

Look, Lemar's sold two million albums, so I've got you a gig on that cruise ship.

21/02/18 10:50:44

PC Plod thought he'd found Bin Laden.

13/02/18 22:55:01

5000 Corgi-rated plumbing and heating engineers? Well I can't find one in Windsor.

13/02/18 0:35:19

Favourite song? Turn to Stone, by Jeff Felynne and ELO.

05/02/18 23:20:07

Apparently the CDs are of the Banshees and he's Siouxsie

05/02/18 22:51:58

David Bowie's "Under Pressure"- remixed by Britney Spears

Thu 0:37:14

Primark's best seller- for girls who want more foreplay.

Wed 21:19:02

Trip Advisor review- "One star. I certainly couldn't come here twice".

Tue 22:56:36

Dancing in the sulphuric acid rain.

Tue 22:53:10

"Look, I don't want to be fussy, and I'm standing on this jack to maintain eye contact, but can you possibly imply that my friend Lewis here is sponsored by something a little more dangerous than a washing powder?"

13/04/19 12:29:01

From: healthy living liaison officers
To: council clothing stores dept
We're doing our best but these uniforms don't fit very well.

12/04/19 22:31:59

The old screw top was hard to handle, so we've replaced it with a new cap you can twist off with one jerk.

10/04/19 14:18:25

She's still winning bowls tournaments at the age of 95 because of her exceptional hand-eye co-ordination.

10/04/19 14:01:17

Some people say that Theresa May's robotic manner may not help as she delivers her Brexit extension request to the faceless EU negotiators.

10/04/19 13:39:39

A group of Benedictine monks was arrested for impersonating the Ku Klux Klan celebrating the 50th anniversary of the White Album. They protest they're Innocents.

10/04/19 13:34:48

A group of retired pharmacists claims that bottled beer can stop you feeling a little hoarse.

10/04/19 13:24:17

"Raindrops keep falling on my head"....

20/10/18 12:11:36

NY peed.

19/10/18 1:18:18

Be aware that, if you find blowing into the machine a bit much, the police will accept a urine sample instead.

19/10/18 1:07:26

The new school DVD on reproductive biology.

19/10/18 0:52:32

Last year's staff party - Frankenstein's Bride and Flash Gordon.

17/10/18 22:44:51

Barcelona FC fans' tribute to Andres Inhairnester.

17/10/18 22:21:33

Girls just love my new laminate flooring.

17/10/18 22:17:27

On the left- the real Slim Shady.

17/10/18 21:59:41

Imran Khan is quick to dissociate himself from this photo.

22/08/18 11:18:53

Environmental Health officers are much more entrepreneurial nowadays.

19/08/18 22:40:31

Our footwear is made from recycled ingredients. Now what shall we use for the rubber boots?

19/08/18 22:38:19

It's the only mandatory defence of a title the BBC can afford to televise,

19/08/18 22:25:06

Marouane Fellaini's hairdresser realises she's used the wrong colour shade.

21/07/18 14:45:05

The children were excited to meet a real Druid.

19/07/18 17:42:35

Mr Markle had long hoped Meghan would marry well. Surely the Windsors would hire Legoland for the reception?

19/07/18 17:40:37

Mafia grasses have kept it zipped- till now.

19/07/18 17:18:05

He was getting some stick because of his resemblance to Donald Trump.

19/07/18 17:14:15

Frigidaire Fresh

12/07/18 15:27:17

Brexitsteers say it's the end of the line.

10/07/18 23:26:51

"So at least you understand now what's meant by the long ball game?"

10/07/18 0:35:41

She found his charade of "Octopussy" rather crude.

07/07/18 1:33:11

Costa- our mission is for you to be able to get a flat white anywhere.

07/07/18 1:28:54

Spiderman was glad he'd declined the request to raise funds for Erectile Dysfunction.

07/07/18 1:22:04

The trials for Team Sky weren't going well. The Post Office was shut so there was nowhere to buy a jiffy bag.

07/07/18 1:10:58

It doesn't hurt much. They said it was a free contact lens trial.

28/06/18 21:15:00

Puffy the Vampire Slayer

28/06/18 21:06:48

"Cristiano.....it's Mum here...if I can hitch a lift I'll come and do my session on zonal marking".

26/06/18 0:44:25

"Cristiano? It's Mum......stop goalhanging and come and mind the stall".

26/06/18 0:41:42

Americans don't read much, so trade tariffs don't affect English books but they do cover deerstalkers.

26/06/18 0:34:24

England's team sheet shows that Harry Kanine won't be taking the corners but will be sniffing out gaps in defence.

26/06/18 0:28:38

The Home Office denies that the UK's border security is underfunded; its resources are in fact bottomless.

26/06/18 0:15:23

So that's what Arsene Wenger's doing nowadays.

25/06/18 23:54:04

With a hearing aid, they'd have got a driller, not a gorilla.

25/06/18 23:47:14

Some critics have always found Desdemona a rather unresponsive character.

25/06/18 23:42:35

"Anyway, when I said I feel like a pair of curtains, the doctor told me to pull myself together".

17/06/18 22:28:07

Ok, so the snakecharming apprenticeship courses still have some work to do.

17/06/18 22:22:59

A glass of val-pole-icella

13/06/18 12:30:26

Acid attacks usually leave no trace of the victim but this gang practises karate as its back-up plan.

13/06/18 12:27:30

They must be worried about the wiring.

13/06/18 12:19:35

To see these poles at night, you need glasses.

13/06/18 12:17:23

The Wales Air Show- Swansea, 30 June.

11/06/18 8:59:59

He's hoping to find somewhere to recycle his plastic.

10/06/18 17:22:19

This is still Korea and those are still dachshunds.

10/06/18 11:23:35

The North Korean weather forecasters are predicting flash floods.

09/06/18 18:49:03

Heathrow airport admits that birds can down modern jets, but says they can't climb perimeter walls.

09/06/18 18:43:30

Ah. Sunshine on Leith.

09/06/18 18:26:53

We're at Kempton Park and Ride. The handi-cap-per seems to have given the back marker too much weight to carry.

09/06/18 18:23:13

Well, with noses like ours, the pince-nez kept falling off.

09/06/18 18:16:40

British Unmilitary Fitness- the outdoor gym for the chronically lazy. Here's how you bench press your own body weight.

09/06/18 18:14:49

"I'm on Hugh Grant's part of the guest list".

07/06/18 20:22:47

More women are complaining that, whatever they did with their hair and their teeth, Donald Trump didn't try anything on with them.

07/06/18 20:19:08

At the royal wedding, Special Branch blended in effortlessly as Princess Di lookalikes.

07/06/18 20:14:52

That's not what we meant by the Green Cross Code.

07/06/18 19:54:22

We can supply models to offset dramatic twin peaks; or to bring out the features of a plain plastic wall.

07/06/18 13:33:36

DFS still offers free credit but it's updated its late payment clause.

04/06/18 15:52:56

So that's what happened to Shergar.

04/06/18 15:34:53

For optimum performance- hair trained by Toni and Guy Minichiello.

04/06/18 15:33:58

The shadow cabinet, strung along by some bloke in short trousers.

04/06/18 15:25:19

You can look like a carthorse, but if you march about with a carrot in your mouth they'll think you're hung like a donkey!

04/06/18 15:23:14

Welcome to the North Korea glow in the dark nightclub with Fusion cuisine.

02/06/18 16:07:00

Banksy!

02/06/18 16:03:52

The reading group wasn't so keen on slow yoga.

01/06/18 0:51:08

"The devil's walking behind me? You're having a laugh!"

01/06/18 0:39:34

The beaver pencil case never quite caught on.

01/06/18 0:37:56

Well when did you last see a tv licence detector van?

30/05/18 15:47:46

The one profession she won't date? Metallergists.

30/05/18 15:39:23

Our new toothpaste works 24 hours a day to protect teeth and gums from harmful bacteria.

30/05/18 15:33:55

A and E departments refurbished like this one have NO trouble discharging patients within 4 hours.

30/05/18 15:09:49

Yulia Skripal was able to walk out of hospital.

30/05/18 15:04:59

The Sigourney Weaver cookbook. Page 1.

26/05/18 10:30:21

He says short sleeves make him look gay.

25/05/18 19:11:15

He thinks it's just not his colour.

25/05/18 19:05:56

There's no-one serving here...pasta la vista, baby.

25/05/18 9:56:13

"So you're the dove from above....where's Ulrika?"

25/05/18 9:32:44

It's Monty Python, Minister for Silly Walks.

25/05/18 9:19:21

"Nope. We have no police cars in stock."

25/05/18 9:16:45

"I'd give my eye teeth...."- now the most overused saying in the English language.

22/05/18 13:49:11

Courage is a quality no longer required in the US Marines.

22/05/18 13:36:28

Neil Oliver promises that the new series of "Coast" will explore the sea around the UK in some depth.

22/05/18 13:30:53

Exit, pursued by an ear. (Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale).

20/05/18 13:11:05

Ronaldo runs the show while Gareth Bale is an unused substitute.

19/05/18 13:23:18

Buy a large flat white, have a medium free.

17/05/18 23:45:22

Alien- the back story. In cinemas now.

17/05/18 23:39:55

High-wasted jeans.

08/05/18 23:42:38

He's a picker for Amazon Marketplace.

08/05/18 23:41:07

The Start Wreck flagship enterprise

06/05/18 20:24:21

"We're putting this in for the skeleton bob?"

06/05/18 20:08:06

Davidoff Cool Water Eau de toilette. At Debenhams now.

06/05/18 19:58:56

They asked her to guard the scene of the crime but she suspected it was just a wind-up.

05/05/18 21:18:17

"Yes, I'm responsible for External Affairs."

05/05/18 20:54:28

"Yes, Mum, the police say they know the approximate area where my clothes were stolen".

05/05/18 20:20:11

Enter your barcode for a chance to win a fantastic family holiday to Guantanamo Bay!

05/05/18 14:18:13

C-ornation Street.

03/05/18 13:08:28

Astonishingly, the handicapper seems to have got it right with the weights.

03/05/18 10:32:55

A handy way to disarm hazardous spillages.

01/05/18 23:15:04

Immigration ministers refute suggestions that the new Border Officer uniform creates a hostile atmosphere.

01/05/18 22:43:53

In his spare time he removes stuck plugs with his teeth.

29/04/18 22:55:06

He does look rather bitter.

29/04/18 12:41:53

Spotify sponsors this bus shelter. It's playing "Lately" by Stevie Wonder.

29/04/18 8:52:19