clever

"I'm afraid we're giving the part to Ursula Andress"

26/04/19 8:59:08

lol

"No, I won't say cheese."

03/05/19 20:13:37

Using three children as a jack was working surprisingly well.

07/03/18 8:42:14

lol

"Yes, I'm the John McCririck of greyhound racing".

29/04/19 22:27:53

His mother told him that a lemon will clean a chopping board, but this one isn't co-operating.

14/04/19 19:40:56

Uncle Jam

04/04/18 19:05:20

I'm sorry to say you need some new fillings

28/11/19 20:06:09

something unexpected in the bagging area

22/11/19 8:26:05

Mardi Gran

06/05/19 11:00:53

The winning entry in the cleanest toilet in Britain competition.

24/04/19 9:23:14

Another Day in Paradise- until Phil Collins arrives.

20/04/18 13:26:44

Venus Fleyetrap.

05/05/19 21:12:06

creative

And the Budget Funeral Plan includes a walking bus to the crematorium.

01/05/18 21:13:18

These paving stones aren't straight, according to Trip Advisor.

23/04/18 13:09:24

"She's surprisingly flexible because she's made from vulcanised rubber".

08/04/18 19:03:02

Corbyn says he went undercover and found out just how little the Conservatives wanted for the NHS.

27/11/19 20:05:41

"Philip Green just made a pass at me".

25/05/19 12:09:57

BBC managers remove all traces of Danny Baker.

13/05/19 0:07:31

"I've been waiting all morning to hear whether I'm joining plain clothes or going undercover".

05/05/18 19:44:53

83 million Americans are still waiting, because it didn't tell them to post the card.

30/04/18 22:07:46

Handsome profile. Dark brown hair and eyes. Strong nose and chin. And, in my lap, a piece of equipment you and I will make memories with.
But that's enough about me. Now, about my owner....

25/04/18 7:28:34

Where's the wardrobe?

09/04/18 11:40:08

The one on the right's a ventiloquist.

15/11/19 15:24:31

Spannerdau Ballet

04/07/19 21:15:05

It's Krissssss Akakbussssssssi

17/06/19 21:00:16

Pea Trevino

26/05/19 21:14:45

Flats 1-3 are compact, with a private aspect.

25/05/19 11:20:59

He never does the ironing before breakfast.

17/06/18 11:25:47

You can still see it's Michael Portillo.

07/06/18 10:21:12

Part of the £7 meal deal.

19/03/18 8:09:02

"This is NOT the Russian nerve agent we ordered, and I won't take a skateboard and a crackerjack pencil and pen instead".

18/03/18 16:37:20

We've found the hard rock. Where's the café?

12/03/18 12:29:48

Boy George at Asda

05/03/18 21:31:32

Ok, you found me- these are the Blue Ridge Mountains and, yes, I am the Lonesome Pine.

28/02/18 12:00:57

That's an extra £350 million a week for the NHS!

02/01/20 22:45:43

Eddie Jones says lineout practice should never stop.

02/01/20 22:17:16

M and S may be relying too heavily on its new range of lederhosen for blind amputees.

28/12/19 20:56:07

Back seat drivers.....

17/11/19 19:34:18

Peaky blinders see no evil, hear no evil

08/11/19 14:12:05

Work continues on the wing design of the Boeing 737 max.

23/06/19 14:40:45

The stuff of nightmares for anyone who's lost a contact lens

17/06/19 21:22:45

How IKEA began- and they're still dreaming about instructions that work.

13/06/19 16:31:14

In Which magazine tests, Ronseal didn't quite do what it said on the tin.

09/05/19 18:40:41

Small, but perfectly farmed.

06/05/18 19:30:10

Wall Street is much less noisy than you'd expect.

25/04/18 0:29:18

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

11/04/18 8:04:46

Only two seats were needed for the premier of Police Academy 36.

04/04/18 21:09:49

Left lower seven, occlusion, amalgam filling. All other teeth extracted.

30/03/18 9:58:17

"It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've got asbestos in the ceiling".

30/03/18 9:36:39

McMafia

04/03/18 8:56:53

When she told the men to measure the thickness of their own equipment she was only joking.

19/02/18 23:52:02

US Trade deal- they get access to the NHS and we get access to their limbless snowmen.

11/01/20 21:59:36

The Amenable Snowman

11/01/20 21:50:54

Nice day for a white wedding

08/01/20 13:38:41

Scott Parka

05/01/20 17:07:14

The Greta Thunberg plan to combat global warming.

05/01/20 9:48:28

David Cameron picnicked here.

03/01/20 22:45:40

And, on the left, the Whoar Mammorial ...

02/01/20 23:00:39

The Turin Shroud was officially recognised in 1958 by Pope Pie-us 12th.

02/01/20 22:15:04

Man City are starting with Gabriel Jesus and Purrio Aguero on the bench

25/12/19 10:17:52

Fanny Cradock found her name stopped people from taking her seriously

18/12/19 23:46:10

The late Surf Bruce Foarscythe

18/12/19 23:04:52

Ah...athletics......track and field

30/11/19 19:55:19

Manchester United

25/11/19 21:18:23

HRH has taken the silver spoon out of Andrew's mouth

24/11/19 12:58:32

Deerstalker

21/11/19 20:16:17

The Milky Bar Buttons are better.

19/11/19 14:37:10

Oranges and Lemons on the way to the Old Bailey

17/11/19 19:32:05

You forgot the Anusol…...

12/11/19 14:37:34

Some people think health and safety has gone too far.

12/11/19 14:32:12

So saith the Time Lord

08/11/19 14:17:00

The real slime shady

04/07/19 21:20:50

He hasn't heard the joke about the difference between Joan Collins and a KitKat.

30/06/19 17:58:59

Bricks sand mater

30/06/19 16:35:24

Danny Baker celebrates patenting the sausage sandwich game.

26/06/19 11:59:14

What's the story, Morning Ogrly ?

22/06/19 21:53:58

"Is that a gun in your pocket?"

20/06/19 11:38:49

Tracey Neville says she's fed up looking after the netball team's children.

13/06/19 17:07:21

The Luis Suarez fan club.

10/06/19 20:20:31

The mystery of meerkat sexuality is solved; they're loud and proud.

10/06/19 12:45:22

The freemasons are planning to merge with The World Wildlife Fund

09/06/19 17:02:49

What a surprise! Everyone except Lynn and Madge thought he was a true blond.

07/06/19 19:16:50

New photos of Jeremy Corbyn's/ Diane Abbott's motorbike holiday in 1970s East Germany.

04/06/19 21:26:50

Jamie Oliver regrets that his restaurants fell short on presentation.

30/05/19 19:44:01

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

30/05/19 7:28:44

Luis Suarez says he expects to be joined at Barcelona by Hazard.

30/05/19 7:15:51

He wished he'd asked Radio 4 for directions to the desert island.

26/05/19 21:07:43

"Look, Ophelia, I really didn't mean to kill your Dad".

25/05/19 11:28:22

She's at the "unconscious incompetence" stage- she knows she can't do it, and she's asleep.

22/05/19 20:14:16

Dr McCarthy and Mrs Stone.

14/05/19 22:39:16

It's rare for orgasm to be induced by a series of such small strokes.

14/05/19 22:38:23

Macbeth Act 5 Scene 1- "More needs she the divine than the physician."

14/05/19 22:34:57

Instead of a statue of Theresa May's Brexit, we got Teresa May's Bra-exit.

09/05/19 18:46:08

Boyzone- the relaunch.

07/05/19 21:22:55

Knights in White Satin, by the Broody Moos.

03/05/19 20:12:39

Short people got snowbody to love

Randy Newman, 1977

30/04/19 22:22:49

" Superglue? No, I haven't heard of Extinction Rebellion."

28/04/19 19:43:14

Where's Willy?

26/04/19 19:39:20

GCHQ hopes to upgrade its listening equipment soon.

23/04/19 20:19:41

Haydn's Surprise Symphony.

17/04/19 22:05:57

"Why are they all exactly the same distance apart?"

"Well the guy with the glue misheard, so he put them up autistically".

14/04/19 21:20:46

"Oh No! Prince Philip's taken up flying?"

12/04/19 21:41:05

Network Rail has abandoned plans to play music on its trains, blaming the wrong kind of lines on the leaves.

12/04/19 21:15:07

"We're older now, but we're pitching to bring back What Not to Wear", say Trinny (left) and Susannah (right).

10/04/19 12:44:36

The American Ryder Cup team goes through security at Heathrow on its way home.

18/10/18 23:46:35

The Ikea standalone social housing flatpack occasionally has a few parts missing.

25/06/18 23:05:27

Chris Eubank now concedes that protein shakes and too much red meat are a dangerous combination.

17/06/18 21:39:36

The brochure says "miles of uncrowded, empty beaches" and they work hard to keep it that way.

17/06/18 21:35:48

They're sperm donor kebabs.

10/06/18 9:42:54

"I'm sorry, madam. We're still waiting for the straight bananas."

10/06/18 9:23:45

"I'm afraid that Toys 'R Us has ceased trading. Those of you with the green stars can stay. I suggest the rest of you apply to Pets at Home".

09/06/18 20:01:09

The National Trust's new signage- "Private gardens. No entry".

09/06/18 18:09:43

Another bad season for West Ham, but they're still blowing bubbles and apparently they've just signed Billy the Fish.

09/06/18 17:40:34

Primark has promised to try to keep plastic out of the ocean.

07/06/18 12:35:53

There's a dramatic front moving gradually south.

02/06/18 9:51:08

There was no sling at A and E so he had to put his broken arm in a paper plane.

01/06/18 13:05:31

"Hmm......I'll never get this cheese grater into the kitchen."

01/06/18 13:02:56

This radical solution to the problem of bed-blocking is about to be trialled by the patients on ward 13.

30/05/18 14:15:52

"look, officer, we told you not to chain your bike to that lamp post".

25/05/18 9:15:38

England have little to fear from the Baa-Baas' three quarter line.

25/05/18 9:04:13

I asked for two flat whites. They've run out of trays.

20/05/18 12:17:21

Local elections were held last week on the Isle of Dogs.

07/05/18 22:10:08

Because (Luke 5.37) "No man putteth new wine into old bottles".

03/05/18 22:13:13

They say we have a desperate thirst for the Holy Spirit.

03/05/18 21:53:37

Causes of flat-chestedness, chapter 1; overexposure to fizzy drinks, diesel fumes and sunburn.

03/05/18 10:20:39

The challenge for Community Service is getting the right equipment on site.

02/05/18 12:37:09

Grey, bloated, enlarged liver, 44% fat.....yep, he'll be having the pate.

01/05/18 21:31:30

The head transplant went well, except it was only available in xxl.

28/04/18 9:17:10

......but our policy on capitalisation, the indefinite article and syntax is casual.

26/04/18 22:29:59

A recovering alcoholic. An isolated hotel. A low light on a bald head. Must be the remake of The Shining.

25/04/18 0:51:54

Errol Brown was waiting all evening for Hot Chocolate.

25/04/18 0:46:58

Latest Batman film: the Penguin kidnaps the diminutive Rachel Stevens of the Britpop band Seal cub 7

23/04/18 21:11:14

I always thought Russell Brand was a bit self-obsessed.

22/04/18 9:12:57

The Arsenal chief executive said "We're not looking to replace Arsene Wenger with someone exactly the same".

22/04/18 0:35:04

"You're tho kind... but really, I'm a bigger thighs than you".

21/04/18 18:55:57

De air force is checking for gaps in de fence.

21/04/18 18:52:43

"Stop crying. It's called Toys R Us!".

19/04/18 22:27:36

Losing at musical chairs is always tough.

16/04/18 0:00:36

Spokesman for the Egg and Bacon marketing board.

12/04/18 12:38:57

The new Agatha Christie- "Death on the Tile".

09/04/18 16:23:38

"Spock told me Vulcans have to mate every 7 years. 24 seconds to go!"

08/04/18 19:09:16

The ugly sisters told her to smile, but Cinderella wasn't sure she'd get into the Ball in this outfit.

06/04/18 13:06:55

He swears he ain't misbeehiveing.

05/04/18 19:19:52

Burns Night at Frankie and Benny's

01/04/18 15:59:25

Winchester Town V Russia XI. He's just come off the bench.

01/04/18 7:42:24

Goodbye yellow brick roadrunner

26/03/18 22:13:34

Police Dog Units reported a retention crisis at their conference in Arizona.

26/03/18 0:20:28

"You're telling me you're Led Zeppelin and John Bonham will be here in a minute?"

26/03/18 0:06:52

Good to see that nursery classes are now learning the coordinates of a rhombus.

25/03/18 23:33:55

I keep having to tell the Americans I'm NOT Sealion Dion.

18/03/18 17:05:04

Back seat drivers!

11/03/18 22:34:25

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

11/03/18 0:20:22

Blue Planet 2; how rubber is polluting the Southern Ocean.

11/03/18 0:18:53

Huey Lewis's boy doesn't think it's hip to be square.

08/03/18 13:51:33

When the gastric band didn't work, the last resort was a lowbottomy.

06/03/18 23:26:58

And my Desert Island Disc is Blue Monkfish by Thelonious Monkfish.

26/02/18 21:55:24

After the Unmade Bed, artist Tracey Emin turns her attention to the School Dinner.

26/02/18 11:00:21

Team Sky's newest cyclist models their latest "cockroach" racing bike. It's a hard rubbery ride but it gets there in the end.

21/02/18 20:52:59

Look, Lemar's sold two million albums, so I've got you a gig on that cruise ship.

21/02/18 10:50:44

PC Plod thought he'd found Bin Laden.

13/02/18 22:55:01

5000 Corgi-rated plumbing and heating engineers? Well I can't find one in Windsor.

13/02/18 0:35:19

Favourite song? Turn to Stone, by Jeff Felynne and ELO.

05/02/18 23:20:07

Apparently the CDs are of the Banshees and he's Siouxsie

05/02/18 22:51:58

Ok, Meghan, the Queen isn't impressed with your business plan to go into mining in Canada.

Sun 18:44:58

Head and Shoulders. Specially formulated for greasy hair.

Sun 18:04:41

Sheep may safely graze.

Sun 17:53:09

That's the trouble with carbs- they go straight to your waist.

Sun 17:41:59

"Yeh, I'm Desmond Doss- I know, not THAT Desmond Doss".

Fri 14:09:56

"What do you mean, it's an arthritic self-portrait?"

Fri 13:59:22

That Alan Titchmarsh's in the garden again.

09/01/20 23:21:26

I have a bad feeling about this cycle of IVF.

09/01/20 23:16:57

The Bee Gees, Amsterdam, 1975; singing in very high voices

09/01/20 23:13:59

Iran claims victory in its missile attacks on UK targets.

09/01/20 23:05:03

Delivery couriers are vulnerable to back and groin pain from incorrect manual handling.

09/01/20 22:59:24

Van Persie says Solskjaer won't be smiling when he sees what his transfer window is really like.

09/01/20 22:47:45

Lester Piggott plans a comeback at the Cheltenham Festival

08/01/20 19:03:36

"I told him- tuna in jelly!"

08/01/20 18:29:20

The Olympic Park bans plastics. This is the new-look Loo-ge.

08/01/20 13:52:51

Raheem Sterling is a diver

08/01/20 13:37:18

He's eaten chlorinated chicken

06/01/20 15:27:16

The Antarctic class system

05/01/20 21:38:56

Jeremy Irons fears he may be about to be upstaged in his role as Bottom.

03/01/20 22:43:05

Erica 'n Urny

02/01/20 22:31:41

Pescatarian's, or pissed Rotarians?

02/01/20 22:26:35

The three finalists in the rusty balls competition.

02/01/20 22:20:28

Sadly, the late Ray Wilkins never got very far with his memoirs.

30/12/19 23:16:22

"Actually, I was hoping for the details of a black cab firm".

30/12/19 23:14:09

Leigh town centre

30/12/19 9:03:49

I'm taking her out for a Molotov cocktail.

29/12/19 18:37:42

"I'll be Scotty and you'll have to be a Klingon".

29/12/19 18:13:08

These shoes? They're low-cut Jean's

28/12/19 23:41:53

Buster Keyton

28/12/19 23:36:59

Elf on the shelf

28/12/19 23:36:07

At Stockley Park, fishy dishisions are being made on offside and encroachment

28/12/19 18:32:32

Lardy Gras

28/12/19 18:24:57

It's no fun being ghosted by Ken Livingstone and Chuka Umunna

25/12/19 10:12:26

He's always been a bit footloose

25/12/19 10:11:14

Just one Horneto

25/12/19 10:08:14

Use as part of an unbalanced diet

20/12/19 22:23:22

She's a percussionista

19/12/19 0:47:32