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Gavin Smithers

signed up: 1 year, 4 months ago
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votes given since joining: 150
super vote quota: 13

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Location: Chipping Campden

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captions

"I'm afraid we're giving the part to Ursula Andress"

26/04/19 9:59:08

"No, I won't say cheese."

03/05/19 21:13:37

Using three children as a jack was working surprisingly well.

07/03/18 8:42:14

"Yes, I'm the John McCririck of greyhound racing".

29/04/19 23:27:53

His mother told him that a lemon will clean a chopping board, but this one isn't co-operating.

14/04/19 20:40:56

04/04/18 20:05:20

06/05/19 12:00:53

The winning entry in the cleanest toilet in Britain competition.

24/04/19 10:23:14

Another Day in Paradise- until Phil Collins arrives.

20/04/18 14:26:44

I can't stand him either. --Dave Bryan

Venus Fleyetrap.

05/05/19 22:12:06

And the Budget Funeral Plan includes a walking bus to the crematorium.

01/05/18 22:13:18

These paving stones aren't straight, according to Trip Advisor.

23/04/18 14:09:24

"She's surprisingly flexible because she's made from vulcanised rubber".

08/04/18 20:03:02

"Philip Green just made a pass at me".

25/05/19 13:09:57

BBC managers remove all traces of Danny Baker.

13/05/19 1:07:31

"I've been waiting all morning to hear whether I'm joining plain clothes or going undercover".

05/05/18 20:44:53

83 million Americans are still waiting, because it didn't tell them to post the card.

30/04/18 23:07:46

Handsome profile. Dark brown hair and eyes. Strong nose and chin. And, in my lap, a piece of equipment you and I will make memories with.
But that's enough about me. Now, about my owner....

25/04/18 8:28:34

Where's the wardrobe?

09/04/18 12:40:08

26/05/19 22:14:45

Flats 1-3 are compact, with a private aspect.

25/05/19 12:20:59

He never does the ironing before breakfast.

17/06/18 12:25:47

You can still see it's Michael Portillo.

07/06/18 11:21:12

Part of the £7 meal deal.

19/03/18 8:09:02

"This is NOT the Russian nerve agent we ordered, and I won't take a skateboard and a crackerjack pencil and pen instead".

18/03/18 16:37:20

We've found the hard rock. Where's the café?

12/03/18 12:29:48

Boy George at Asda

05/03/18 21:31:32

Ok, you found me- these are the Blue Ridge Mountains and, yes, I am the Lonesome Pine.

28/02/18 12:00:57

How IKEA began- and they're still dreaming about instructions that work.

Thu 17:31:14

In Which magazine tests, Ronseal didn't quite do what it said on the tin.

09/05/19 19:40:41

Small, but perfectly farmed.

06/05/18 20:30:10

Wall Street is much less noisy than you'd expect.

25/04/18 1:29:18

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

11/04/18 9:04:46

Only two seats were needed for the premier of Police Academy 36.

04/04/18 22:09:49

Left lower seven, occlusion, amalgam filling. All other teeth extracted.

30/03/18 10:58:17

"It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've got asbestos in the ceiling".

30/03/18 10:36:39

04/03/18 8:56:53

When she told the men to measure the thickness of their own equipment she was only joking.

19/02/18 23:52:02

Tracey Neville says she's fed up looking after the netball team's children.

Thu 18:07:21

The Luis Suarez fan club.

10/06/19 21:20:31

The mystery of meerkat sexuality is solved; they're loud and proud.

10/06/19 13:45:22

The freemasons are planning to merge with The World Wildlife Fund

09/06/19 18:02:49

What a surprise! Everyone except Lynn and Madge thought he was a true blond.

07/06/19 20:16:50

New photos of Jeremy Corbyn's/ Diane Abbott's motorbike holiday in 1970s East Germany.

04/06/19 22:26:50

Jamie Oliver regrets that his restaurants fell short on presentation.

30/05/19 20:44:01

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

30/05/19 8:28:44

Luis Suarez says he expects to be joined at Barcelona by Hazard.

30/05/19 8:15:51

He wished he'd asked Radio 4 for directions to the desert island.

26/05/19 22:07:43

"Look, Ophelia, I really didn't mean to kill your Dad".

25/05/19 12:28:22

She's at the "unconscious incompetence" stage- she knows she can't do it, and she's asleep.

22/05/19 21:14:16

Dr McCarthy and Mrs Stone.

14/05/19 23:39:16

It's rare for orgasm to be induced by a series of such small strokes.

14/05/19 23:38:23

Macbeth Act 5 Scene 1- "More needs she the divine than the physician."

14/05/19 23:34:57

Instead of a statue of Theresa May's Brexit, we got Teresa May's Bra-exit.

09/05/19 19:46:08

Boyzone- the relaunch.

07/05/19 22:22:55

Knights in White Satin, by the Broody Moos.

03/05/19 21:12:39

Short people got snowbody to love

Randy Newman, 1977

30/04/19 23:22:49

" Superglue? No, I haven't heard of Extinction Rebellion."

28/04/19 20:43:14

26/04/19 20:39:20

GCHQ hopes to upgrade its listening equipment soon.

23/04/19 21:19:41

Haydn's Surprise Symphony.

17/04/19 23:05:57

"Why are they all exactly the same distance apart?"

"Well the guy with the glue misheard, so he put them up autistically".

14/04/19 22:20:46

"Oh No! Prince Philip's taken up flying?"

12/04/19 22:41:05

Network Rail has abandoned plans to play music on its trains, blaming the wrong kind of lines on the leaves.

12/04/19 22:15:07

"We're older now, but we're pitching to bring back What Not to Wear", say Trinny (left) and Susannah (right).

10/04/19 13:44:36

The American Ryder Cup team goes through security at Heathrow on its way home.

19/10/18 0:46:35

The Ikea standalone social housing flatpack occasionally has a few parts missing.

26/06/18 0:05:27

Chris Eubank now concedes that protein shakes and too much red meat are a dangerous combination.

17/06/18 22:39:36

The brochure says "miles of uncrowded, empty beaches" and they work hard to keep it that way.

17/06/18 22:35:48

They're sperm donor kebabs.

10/06/18 10:42:54

"I'm sorry, madam. We're still waiting for the straight bananas."

10/06/18 10:23:45

"I'm afraid that Toys 'R Us has ceased trading. Those of you with the green stars can stay. I suggest the rest of you apply to Pets at Home".

09/06/18 21:01:09

The National Trust's new signage- "Private gardens. No entry".

09/06/18 19:09:43

Another bad season for West Ham, but they're still blowing bubbles and apparently they've just signed Billy the Fish.

09/06/18 18:40:34

Primark has promised to try to keep plastic out of the ocean.

07/06/18 13:35:53

There's a dramatic front moving gradually south.

02/06/18 10:51:08

There was no sling at A and E so he had to put his broken arm in a paper plane.

01/06/18 14:05:31

"Hmm......I'll never get this cheese grater into the kitchen."

01/06/18 14:02:56

This radical solution to the problem of bed-blocking is about to be trialled by the patients on ward 13.

30/05/18 15:15:52

"look, officer, we told you not to chain your bike to that lamp post".

25/05/18 10:15:38

England have little to fear from the Baa-Baas' three quarter line.

25/05/18 10:04:13

I asked for two flat whites. They've run out of trays.

20/05/18 13:17:21

Local elections were held last week on the Isle of Dogs.

07/05/18 23:10:08

Because (Luke 5.37) "No man putteth new wine into old bottles".

03/05/18 23:13:13

They say we have a desperate thirst for the Holy Spirit.

03/05/18 22:53:37

Causes of flat-chestedness, chapter 1; overexposure to fizzy drinks, diesel fumes and sunburn.

03/05/18 11:20:39

The challenge for Community Service is getting the right equipment on site.

02/05/18 13:37:09

Grey, bloated, enlarged liver, 44% fat.....yep, he'll be having the pate.

01/05/18 22:31:30

The head transplant went well, except it was only available in xxl.

28/04/18 10:17:10

......but our policy on capitalisation, the indefinite article and syntax is casual.

26/04/18 23:29:59

A recovering alcoholic. An isolated hotel. A low light on a bald head. Must be the remake of The Shining.

25/04/18 1:51:54

Errol Brown was waiting all evening for Hot Chocolate.

25/04/18 1:46:58

Latest Batman film: the Penguin kidnaps the diminutive Rachel Stevens of the Britpop band Seal cub 7

23/04/18 22:11:14

I always thought Russell Brand was a bit self-obsessed.

22/04/18 10:12:57

The Arsenal chief executive said "We're not looking to replace Arsene Wenger with someone exactly the same".

22/04/18 1:35:04

"You're tho kind... but really, I'm a bigger thighs than you".

21/04/18 19:55:57

De air force is checking for gaps in de fence.

21/04/18 19:52:43

"Stop crying. It's called Toys R Us!".

19/04/18 23:27:36

Losing at musical chairs is always tough.

16/04/18 1:00:36

Spokesman for the Egg and Bacon marketing board.

12/04/18 13:38:57

The new Agatha Christie- "Death on the Tile".

09/04/18 17:23:38

"Spock told me Vulcans have to mate every 7 years. 24 seconds to go!"

08/04/18 20:09:16

The ugly sisters told her to smile, but Cinderella wasn't sure she'd get into the Ball in this outfit.

06/04/18 14:06:55

He swears he ain't misbeehiveing.

05/04/18 20:19:52

Burns Night at Frankie and Benny's

01/04/18 16:59:25

Winchester Town V Russia XI. He's just come off the bench.

01/04/18 8:42:24

Goodbye yellow brick roadrunner

26/03/18 23:13:34

Police Dog Units reported a retention crisis at their conference in Arizona.

26/03/18 1:20:28

"You're telling me you're Led Zeppelin and John Bonham will be here in a minute?"

26/03/18 1:06:52

Good to see that nursery classes are now learning the coordinates of a rhombus.

26/03/18 0:33:55

I keep having to tell the Americans I'm NOT Sealion Dion.

18/03/18 17:05:04

Back seat drivers!

11/03/18 22:34:25

11/03/18 0:20:22

Blue Planet 2; how rubber is polluting the Southern Ocean.

11/03/18 0:18:53

Huey Lewis's boy doesn't think it's hip to be square.

08/03/18 13:51:33

When the gastric band didn't work, the last resort was a lowbottomy.

06/03/18 23:26:58

And my Desert Island Disc is Blue Monkfish by Thelonious Monkfish.

26/02/18 21:55:24

After the Unmade Bed, artist Tracey Emin turns her attention to the School Dinner.

26/02/18 11:00:21

Team Sky's newest cyclist models their latest "cockroach" racing bike. It's a hard rubbery ride but it gets there in the end.

21/02/18 20:52:59

Look, Lemar's sold two million albums, so I've got you a gig on that cruise ship.

21/02/18 10:50:44

PC Plod thought he'd found Bin Laden.

13/02/18 22:55:01

5000 Corgi-rated plumbing and heating engineers? Well I can't find one in Windsor.

13/02/18 0:35:19

Favourite song? Turn to Stone, by Jeff Felynne and ELO.

05/02/18 23:20:07

Apparently the CDs are of the Banshees and he's Siouxsie

05/02/18 22:51:58

The Chicago Bears have been here again with their picnic.

Fri 19:28:30

On long walks she gets a bit waspish.

Fri 18:46:43

St Nick heads for an All Saints reunion at St Pancras.

Thu 20:07:15

These Sheffield parents are determined their daughter won't turn out a snowflake.

Thu 18:03:51

The LibDems' "Bollocks to Brexit" bus has arrived in Margate.

Thu 18:00:14

"Of course it's safe- pandas hardly ever breed in the wild."

10/06/19 21:52:09

It gives a clean start with plenty of torque.

10/06/19 21:40:44

Disney will use the cast of "Finding Nemo" for their new animation "Last of the Mohicans"

10/06/19 15:48:26

80s duo Mel and Kim announce their comeback tour.

10/06/19 15:42:18

Looks like "Born Again" by the Christians.

10/06/19 15:37:02

Meerkat Movies want to remake the Famous Five, but no one wants to play Timmy.

10/06/19 13:44:44

...although I do look rather like the llama of God.

08/06/19 21:09:35

20% of cats hate f***ing Whiskas.

07/06/19 20:29:22

John Terry still likes to get his leg over and thinks he's
good in the box.

07/06/19 20:26:42

Lynn and Madge are his pet earthworms.

07/06/19 20:21:02

The Dalai Lama has always put his mobile number on his Facebook page.

07/06/19 0:40:47

Even when they only offer a skeleton service, the police are confident in the long arm of the law.

07/06/19 0:36:36

Flat-chested girls of above average height can earn huge salaries in the fashion world.

07/06/19 0:33:02

All girls' public schools reject criticism that their students are too stuck up.

07/06/19 0:28:48

Trainee witches often have a fear of flying.

07/06/19 0:17:56

Ocean's 14 is now in production, starring the 86-year old Michael Caine.

06/06/19 21:48:40

Spurs have a big rebuilding job to do.

06/06/19 21:42:07

Anna Conder has mislaid her name badge.

05/06/19 10:11:57

New police truncheon/camera combo will gather evidence of kerb-crawling.

05/06/19 10:04:05

The service is so slow, this place is about to go arse over tit.

04/06/19 22:33:05

She likes the thermostat to be set at 4 degrees.

31/05/19 23:13:34

That Brian Cox gatecrashes anything to do with space travel.

31/05/19 21:07:23

Lewis Hamilton tests the proposed F1 engine changes on the streets of his home town, Stevenage.

31/05/19 21:00:49

From left to right- Corbyn, May, Sturgeon, Farage.

30/05/19 20:48:43

"So this is what an unexplained wealth order feels like."

30/05/19 20:23:17

There's a clinical trial of Imodium in Orange County.

30/05/19 20:10:07

I've finally been diagnosed with Gynaephobia.

30/05/19 20:05:35

Liberace only learned to play the piano as an adult.

30/05/19 8:26:59

He misunderstood the meaning of "hot mascara".

30/05/19 8:20:48

The trouble with hot wax removal is that it can become addictive.

30/05/19 8:09:24

NHS England announces an acute shortage of sick bowls in hospitals.

29/05/19 8:42:14

While he was touched that Bridget Jones had sent him her pants, the Pope found them a bit too big.

28/05/19 22:24:58

Most alleged sightings of Bigfoot don't stand up to close examination.

28/05/19 21:59:41

Ski Sunday- or Ski Nunday?

28/05/19 20:47:38

Nuns on the Cresta Run

28/05/19 20:44:26

Roy Jenkins and Norman Tebbit found some shared hobbies when they retired.

28/05/19 20:43:13

It's a lost episode of the 1996 documentary "David Attenborough in Paradise".

28/05/19 17:31:04

A seven inch single.

26/05/19 21:00:13

"I know it doesn't look like a bat close up, but Ozzy over here ate the real one".

25/05/19 23:41:48

What do you mean, are my breasts real?

25/05/19 13:59:30

Some people think builders are taking advantage of the Help to Buy scheme.

25/05/19 13:35:35

The Lumber Bridge

25/05/19 13:15:59

Outside the Channel 4 building, a commemoration of their comedy show "Balls of Steel".

25/05/19 12:58:44

She hadn't noticed the paedophile walking past disguised as a hut.

25/05/19 12:52:23

That's a Chelsea FC bike. It's on loan to Danny Drinkwater.

25/05/19 12:49:28

Historians now believe Pilates was in fact invented in the 16th century.

25/05/19 12:47:30

25/05/19 12:41:13

It's the Henry Ford residential parking scheme.

25/05/19 12:38:45

Pirates of the Caribbean- dead man's trans chest

25/05/19 12:23:23

One size fits wall

25/05/19 12:22:44

The runner up in Bury's Victoria Wood statue competition.

22/05/19 16:07:57

"She poked me in the eye and said my ears don't look real".

22/05/19 16:02:40

Nick Clegg thinks he's a political thoroughbred but to some he's just a chestnut gelding.

21/05/19 22:47:07

First Frank Moloney, now Bernie Ecclestone....

21/05/19 22:20:20

"Ever since I took the job as a cheese grater I keep getting these patches of raw skin".

21/05/19 22:16:05

Paul Merton hosts the pilot show for "Have I got hooves for you".

21/05/19 22:06:27

"I'm not a cold caller. Double glazing? Fit the best- Everest!"

15/05/19 10:12:03

Rare footage of Michael Jackson after recording of "Billie Jean".

15/05/19 0:16:44

Iggy Pop now identifies as a woman.

15/05/19 0:06:17

Angorarasta Titters

14/05/19 22:35:44

"Which one of you said the comb was in here?"

14/05/19 11:27:08

A pig going rotten? Put it behind the counter for Ted Hastings.

13/05/19 23:14:24

The head's all natural, but the body's still in Silicone Valley.

13/05/19 22:37:41

Say what you see/ Wimbledon winners- the Woodies (Mark Woodforde and Todd Woodbridge) and Pat Cash.

13/05/19 1:04:46

"You really think that when a mushroom covered in toffee says the Ice Age is coming I'm going to believe you?"

13/05/19 1:00:43

Loft insulation; the best way to keep warm all winter.

11/05/19 22:01:59

Ok, Supertramp- we're arresting you for the Crime of the Century.

11/05/19 21:57:42

Blue Bay-oow--oow

11/05/19 21:55:31

11/05/19 20:09:36

It's Peter Crouch!

10/05/19 8:17:39

Has he had normal corn flakes or crunchy nut cornflakes?

09/05/19 21:57:28

last comments (total: 2)

I can't stand him either.

20/04/18
6:03pm

comment on caption:
Another Day in Paradise- until Phil Collins arrives. [Gavin Smithers]

More gaps in defence at Sat 23:14:22

[anon]

26/06/18
12:52am

comment on caption:
England's team sheet shows that Harry Kanine won't be taking the corners but will be sniffing out gaps in defence. [Gavin Smithers]