clever

"I'm afraid we're giving the part to Ursula Andress"

26/04/19 9:59:08

lol

"No, I won't say cheese."

03/05/19 21:13:37

Using three children as a jack was working surprisingly well.

07/03/18 8:42:14

lol

"Yes, I'm the John McCririck of greyhound racing".

29/04/19 23:27:53

His mother told him that a lemon will clean a chopping board, but this one isn't co-operating.

14/04/19 20:40:56

Uncle Jam

04/04/18 20:05:20

Mardi Gran

06/05/19 12:00:53

The winning entry in the cleanest toilet in Britain competition.

24/04/19 10:23:14

Another Day in Paradise- until Phil Collins arrives.

20/04/18 14:26:44

Venus Fleyetrap.

05/05/19 22:12:06

creative

And the Budget Funeral Plan includes a walking bus to the crematorium.

01/05/18 22:13:18

These paving stones aren't straight, according to Trip Advisor.

23/04/18 14:09:24

"She's surprisingly flexible because she's made from vulcanised rubber".

08/04/18 20:03:02

"Philip Green just made a pass at me".

25/05/19 13:09:57

BBC managers remove all traces of Danny Baker.

13/05/19 1:07:31

"I've been waiting all morning to hear whether I'm joining plain clothes or going undercover".

05/05/18 20:44:53

83 million Americans are still waiting, because it didn't tell them to post the card.

30/04/18 23:07:46

Handsome profile. Dark brown hair and eyes. Strong nose and chin. And, in my lap, a piece of equipment you and I will make memories with.
But that's enough about me. Now, about my owner....

25/04/18 8:28:34

Where's the wardrobe?

09/04/18 12:40:08

Spannerdau Ballet

04/07/19 22:15:05

It's Krissssss Akakbussssssssi

17/06/19 22:00:16

Pea Trevino

26/05/19 22:14:45

Flats 1-3 are compact, with a private aspect.

25/05/19 12:20:59

He never does the ironing before breakfast.

17/06/18 12:25:47

You can still see it's Michael Portillo.

07/06/18 11:21:12

Part of the £7 meal deal.

19/03/18 8:09:02

"This is NOT the Russian nerve agent we ordered, and I won't take a skateboard and a crackerjack pencil and pen instead".

18/03/18 16:37:20

We've found the hard rock. Where's the café?

12/03/18 12:29:48

Boy George at Asda

05/03/18 21:31:32

Ok, you found me- these are the Blue Ridge Mountains and, yes, I am the Lonesome Pine.

28/02/18 12:00:57

Work continues on the wing design of the Boeing 737 max.

23/06/19 15:40:45

The stuff of nightmares for anyone who's lost a contact lens

17/06/19 22:22:45

How IKEA began- and they're still dreaming about instructions that work.

13/06/19 17:31:14

In Which magazine tests, Ronseal didn't quite do what it said on the tin.

09/05/19 19:40:41

Small, but perfectly farmed.

06/05/18 20:30:10

Wall Street is much less noisy than you'd expect.

25/04/18 1:29:18

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

11/04/18 9:04:46

Only two seats were needed for the premier of Police Academy 36.

04/04/18 22:09:49

Left lower seven, occlusion, amalgam filling. All other teeth extracted.

30/03/18 10:58:17

"It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've got asbestos in the ceiling".

30/03/18 10:36:39

McMafia

04/03/18 8:56:53

When she told the men to measure the thickness of their own equipment she was only joking.

19/02/18 23:52:02

The real slime shady

04/07/19 22:20:50

He hasn't heard the joke about the difference between Joan Collins and a KitKat.

30/06/19 18:58:59

Bricks sand mater

30/06/19 17:35:24

Danny Baker celebrates patenting the sausage sandwich game.

26/06/19 12:59:14

What's the story, Morning Ogrly ?

22/06/19 22:53:58

"Is that a gun in your pocket?"

20/06/19 12:38:49

Tracey Neville says she's fed up looking after the netball team's children.

13/06/19 18:07:21

The Luis Suarez fan club.

10/06/19 21:20:31

The mystery of meerkat sexuality is solved; they're loud and proud.

10/06/19 13:45:22

The freemasons are planning to merge with The World Wildlife Fund

09/06/19 18:02:49

What a surprise! Everyone except Lynn and Madge thought he was a true blond.

07/06/19 20:16:50

New photos of Jeremy Corbyn's/ Diane Abbott's motorbike holiday in 1970s East Germany.

04/06/19 22:26:50

Jamie Oliver regrets that his restaurants fell short on presentation.

30/05/19 20:44:01

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

30/05/19 8:28:44

Luis Suarez says he expects to be joined at Barcelona by Hazard.

30/05/19 8:15:51

He wished he'd asked Radio 4 for directions to the desert island.

26/05/19 22:07:43

"Look, Ophelia, I really didn't mean to kill your Dad".

25/05/19 12:28:22

She's at the "unconscious incompetence" stage- she knows she can't do it, and she's asleep.

22/05/19 21:14:16

Dr McCarthy and Mrs Stone.

14/05/19 23:39:16

It's rare for orgasm to be induced by a series of such small strokes.

14/05/19 23:38:23

Macbeth Act 5 Scene 1- "More needs she the divine than the physician."

14/05/19 23:34:57

Instead of a statue of Theresa May's Brexit, we got Teresa May's Bra-exit.

09/05/19 19:46:08

Boyzone- the relaunch.

07/05/19 22:22:55

Knights in White Satin, by the Broody Moos.

03/05/19 21:12:39

Short people got snowbody to love

Randy Newman, 1977

30/04/19 23:22:49

" Superglue? No, I haven't heard of Extinction Rebellion."

28/04/19 20:43:14

Where's Willy?

26/04/19 20:39:20

GCHQ hopes to upgrade its listening equipment soon.

23/04/19 21:19:41

Haydn's Surprise Symphony.

17/04/19 23:05:57

"Why are they all exactly the same distance apart?"

"Well the guy with the glue misheard, so he put them up autistically".

14/04/19 22:20:46

"Oh No! Prince Philip's taken up flying?"

12/04/19 22:41:05

Network Rail has abandoned plans to play music on its trains, blaming the wrong kind of lines on the leaves.

12/04/19 22:15:07

"We're older now, but we're pitching to bring back What Not to Wear", say Trinny (left) and Susannah (right).

10/04/19 13:44:36

The American Ryder Cup team goes through security at Heathrow on its way home.

19/10/18 0:46:35

The Ikea standalone social housing flatpack occasionally has a few parts missing.

26/06/18 0:05:27

Chris Eubank now concedes that protein shakes and too much red meat are a dangerous combination.

17/06/18 22:39:36

The brochure says "miles of uncrowded, empty beaches" and they work hard to keep it that way.

17/06/18 22:35:48

They're sperm donor kebabs.

10/06/18 10:42:54

"I'm sorry, madam. We're still waiting for the straight bananas."

10/06/18 10:23:45

"I'm afraid that Toys 'R Us has ceased trading. Those of you with the green stars can stay. I suggest the rest of you apply to Pets at Home".

09/06/18 21:01:09

The National Trust's new signage- "Private gardens. No entry".

09/06/18 19:09:43

Another bad season for West Ham, but they're still blowing bubbles and apparently they've just signed Billy the Fish.

09/06/18 18:40:34

Primark has promised to try to keep plastic out of the ocean.

07/06/18 13:35:53

There's a dramatic front moving gradually south.

02/06/18 10:51:08

There was no sling at A and E so he had to put his broken arm in a paper plane.

01/06/18 14:05:31

"Hmm......I'll never get this cheese grater into the kitchen."

01/06/18 14:02:56

This radical solution to the problem of bed-blocking is about to be trialled by the patients on ward 13.

30/05/18 15:15:52

"look, officer, we told you not to chain your bike to that lamp post".

25/05/18 10:15:38

England have little to fear from the Baa-Baas' three quarter line.

25/05/18 10:04:13

I asked for two flat whites. They've run out of trays.

20/05/18 13:17:21

Local elections were held last week on the Isle of Dogs.

07/05/18 23:10:08

Because (Luke 5.37) "No man putteth new wine into old bottles".

03/05/18 23:13:13

They say we have a desperate thirst for the Holy Spirit.

03/05/18 22:53:37

Causes of flat-chestedness, chapter 1; overexposure to fizzy drinks, diesel fumes and sunburn.

03/05/18 11:20:39

The challenge for Community Service is getting the right equipment on site.

02/05/18 13:37:09

Grey, bloated, enlarged liver, 44% fat.....yep, he'll be having the pate.

01/05/18 22:31:30

The head transplant went well, except it was only available in xxl.

28/04/18 10:17:10

......but our policy on capitalisation, the indefinite article and syntax is casual.

26/04/18 23:29:59

A recovering alcoholic. An isolated hotel. A low light on a bald head. Must be the remake of The Shining.

25/04/18 1:51:54

Errol Brown was waiting all evening for Hot Chocolate.

25/04/18 1:46:58

Latest Batman film: the Penguin kidnaps the diminutive Rachel Stevens of the Britpop band Seal cub 7

23/04/18 22:11:14

I always thought Russell Brand was a bit self-obsessed.

22/04/18 10:12:57

The Arsenal chief executive said "We're not looking to replace Arsene Wenger with someone exactly the same".

22/04/18 1:35:04

"You're tho kind... but really, I'm a bigger thighs than you".

21/04/18 19:55:57

De air force is checking for gaps in de fence.

21/04/18 19:52:43

"Stop crying. It's called Toys R Us!".

19/04/18 23:27:36

Losing at musical chairs is always tough.

16/04/18 1:00:36

Spokesman for the Egg and Bacon marketing board.

12/04/18 13:38:57

The new Agatha Christie- "Death on the Tile".

09/04/18 17:23:38

"Spock told me Vulcans have to mate every 7 years. 24 seconds to go!"

08/04/18 20:09:16

The ugly sisters told her to smile, but Cinderella wasn't sure she'd get into the Ball in this outfit.

06/04/18 14:06:55

He swears he ain't misbeehiveing.

05/04/18 20:19:52

Burns Night at Frankie and Benny's

01/04/18 16:59:25

Winchester Town V Russia XI. He's just come off the bench.

01/04/18 8:42:24

Goodbye yellow brick roadrunner

26/03/18 23:13:34

Police Dog Units reported a retention crisis at their conference in Arizona.

26/03/18 1:20:28

"You're telling me you're Led Zeppelin and John Bonham will be here in a minute?"

26/03/18 1:06:52

Good to see that nursery classes are now learning the coordinates of a rhombus.

26/03/18 0:33:55

I keep having to tell the Americans I'm NOT Sealion Dion.

18/03/18 17:05:04

Back seat drivers!

11/03/18 22:34:25

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

11/03/18 0:20:22

Blue Planet 2; how rubber is polluting the Southern Ocean.

11/03/18 0:18:53

Huey Lewis's boy doesn't think it's hip to be square.

08/03/18 13:51:33

When the gastric band didn't work, the last resort was a lowbottomy.

06/03/18 23:26:58

And my Desert Island Disc is Blue Monkfish by Thelonious Monkfish.

26/02/18 21:55:24

After the Unmade Bed, artist Tracey Emin turns her attention to the School Dinner.

26/02/18 11:00:21

Team Sky's newest cyclist models their latest "cockroach" racing bike. It's a hard rubbery ride but it gets there in the end.

21/02/18 20:52:59

Look, Lemar's sold two million albums, so I've got you a gig on that cruise ship.

21/02/18 10:50:44

PC Plod thought he'd found Bin Laden.

13/02/18 22:55:01

5000 Corgi-rated plumbing and heating engineers? Well I can't find one in Windsor.

13/02/18 0:35:19

Favourite song? Turn to Stone, by Jeff Felynne and ELO.

05/02/18 23:20:07

Apparently the CDs are of the Banshees and he's Siouxsie

05/02/18 22:51:58

Detectorists just need to get over themselves.

21/07/19 20:38:07

One-armed bandettes

21/07/19 20:33:31

He's using Armani hairspray.

21/07/19 20:26:50

Lenin's Mausoleum- pushing up the daisies in Red Square

21/07/19 20:25:18

Is this the way to Armadillo?

21/07/19 20:21:06

Little Drummer Boy forced to join Barmy Army

18/07/19 23:33:12

She's just had a lager and slime.

18/07/19 23:26:37

They were just walking down the Nile.

18/07/19 23:25:33

Pussy Galawe

18/07/19 23:13:13

At White City, a walking bus replaces polluting Tube trains.

18/07/19 23:11:36

"Yes, dear, Hamlet's waiting in the church".

18/07/19 22:54:18

If Heineken made hair dryers...

18/07/19 22:44:05

Djokovic says his new diet doesn't mean he has less energy.

18/07/19 22:42:38

Bikes, the garden bridge and the missing Mojo. Wold you vote for BoJo?

18/07/19 22:33:42

Dejeuner sur kerb

04/07/19 22:18:19

Now where's that jiffy bag?

04/07/19 22:11:12

Spiderman has a problem- premature ejaculation.

04/07/19 1:04:58

He's been spending too long on Snapchat.

04/07/19 0:58:19

The Uber driver was disappointed that no-one called Israel wanted a lift to go and meet God.

04/07/19 0:48:27

PlusNet. We'll do you proud.

04/07/19 0:45:32

"I understand Rachel Riley's going on maternity leave."

04/07/19 0:43:06

Some people actually like Dry January.

01/07/19 0:10:32

She's hoping to win by a short neck.

30/06/19 19:01:00

Bricksit

30/06/19 17:33:02

"I'm coming first".

26/06/19 13:00:46

Huawei's 5G contract is cancelled but they're helping to upgrade our landlines.

25/06/19 21:03:20

Boris Johnson refuses to discuss how many children he has but he says he's ready to renegotiate Brexit.

25/06/19 20:53:05

"Hey ho hey ho it's off to work we go"

25/06/19 20:51:14

Madame Macron has just remembered to do her pelvic floor exercises.

23/06/19 23:30:09

George Best's drinks cupboard

23/06/19 23:26:17

"Is that The Guardian? Jeremy Hunt here."

23/06/19 23:13:54

Manchester City's commemorative statue of Bert Trautmann

23/06/19 15:47:22

The Old Trafford carp-orate hospitality suite- where Roy Keane spotted the prawn sandwich brigade.

23/06/19 15:44:44

Welsh sheep farmers- spit or swallow?

22/06/19 22:55:25

After Brexit, Shropshire sheep farmers plan to export lamb across county lines.

22/06/19 22:43:36

Mrs Hunt says that, if it comes to arm-wrestling, Boris won't win.

22/06/19 22:37:13

"Well we did say dress in black."

20/06/19 12:39:35

Patrick Vieira isn't ageing well.

19/06/19 13:09:36

Channel 4's new series; the real black widow killers

19/06/19 13:08:09

I can help you cleanse your palate

19/06/19 11:01:21

Janet's street porter

19/06/19 10:54:53

There was talk of remaking Randall and Hopkirk (deceased) with the late Ronnie Corbett

17/06/19 22:05:36

The Chicago Bears have been here again with their picnic.

14/06/19 19:28:30

On long walks she gets a bit waspish.

14/06/19 18:46:43

St Nick heads for an All Saints reunion at St Pancras.

13/06/19 20:07:15

These Sheffield parents are determined their daughter won't turn out a snowflake.

13/06/19 18:03:51

The LibDems' "Bollocks to Brexit" bus has arrived in Margate.

13/06/19 18:00:14

"Of course it's safe- pandas hardly ever breed in the wild."

10/06/19 21:52:09

It gives a clean start with plenty of torque.

10/06/19 21:40:44

Disney will use the cast of "Finding Nemo" for their new animation "Last of the Mohicans"

10/06/19 15:48:26

80s duo Mel and Kim announce their comeback tour.

10/06/19 15:42:18

Looks like "Born Again" by the Christians.

10/06/19 15:37:02

Meerkat Movies want to remake the Famous Five, but no one wants to play Timmy.

10/06/19 13:44:44

...although I do look rather like the llama of God.

08/06/19 21:09:35

20% of cats hate f***ing Whiskas.

07/06/19 20:29:22

John Terry still likes to get his leg over and thinks he's
good in the box.

07/06/19 20:26:42

Lynn and Madge are his pet earthworms.

07/06/19 20:21:02

The Dalai Lama has always put his mobile number on his Facebook page.

07/06/19 0:40:47

Even when they only offer a skeleton service, the police are confident in the long arm of the law.

07/06/19 0:36:36

Flat-chested girls of above average height can earn huge salaries in the fashion world.

07/06/19 0:33:02

All girls' public schools reject criticism that their students are too stuck up.

07/06/19 0:28:48

Trainee witches often have a fear of flying.

07/06/19 0:17:56

Ocean's 14 is now in production, starring the 86-year old Michael Caine.

06/06/19 21:48:40

Spurs have a big rebuilding job to do.

06/06/19 21:42:07

Anna Conder has mislaid her name badge.

05/06/19 10:11:57

New police truncheon/camera combo will gather evidence of kerb-crawling.

05/06/19 10:04:05