Soaprano

17/09/12 20:02:08

The 'campercopter' seemed like a good idea at the time... but it never took off.

16/09/12 8:05:05

Due to a rise in violence bus drivers will be allowed to carry side-arms.

01/10/12 20:03:18

Golden Receiver

08/08/12 20:06:27

Ahhh yes, the old 40-30-30 formation.

28/08/12 20:01:46

"Something's wrong here... you're not my regular dentist..."

03/08/12 11:19:48

Pete had spent the last six months 'pumping Ian' and was beginning to realize his mistake.

09/10/12 20:46:41

The bottom line.

24/09/12 12:00:42

"Yes boss, I'm with the drugs mule. I'm just not sure it was a good idea to make him swallow 50 kilos of smack..."

12/09/12 8:53:46

Scuba diva

04/09/12 20:00:21

We live longer in Nuneaten.

31/08/12 12:08:15

Glutton dressed as ram.

05/10/15 8:20:36

No squatters!

26/08/12 20:01:11

Another victim of turf wars.

14/05/13 20:03:43

De feet was staring him in de face.

30/08/12 8:23:01

creative

Sid's search for his brother had led him here... but something smelt wrong...

06/10/15 12:26:11

"Can I drink? Well, I don't like to boast... but I once drank a horse under the table..."

05/11/15 20:12:59

Wooly jumper

08/10/15 12:04:18

Alan Sugar admits to "slight regret" at being Dr Leah's first patient.

22/07/13 8:33:40

creative

"My research is finally c-complete and soon I shall publish my p-p-paper p-proving that thethe light does g-go out."

20/06/13 20:41:11

"Hey barman, could I settle my barbel please?"

30/04/13 21:35:17

Fred was going to teach his 10 year old son the ropes - he'd always wanted a Mini Cooper.

08/03/13 20:12:07

John's death was sudden: He took one swig of Coke and croaked.

23/10/12 12:02:27

Bricked shit-house.

19/10/12 12:02:41

"Signed? hmmm... I wouldn't take it as gospel."

12/10/15 12:21:25

creative

Express Dairies deny paying their staff peanuts.

06/09/13 20:51:35

Beached wail.

27/06/13 20:09:04

lol

"More tea vicar?"

26/03/13 12:57:19

Last can standing.

13/03/13 16:41:08

Vast asleep.

12/09/12 8:31:44

"I'm in the money."

19/08/12 12:00:49

The Road Less Gravelled.

15/08/12 21:20:34

"Phew...Jesus... when you prophesied I'd be stoned I thought you meant something else."

08/09/14 8:15:55

creative

"Are we there yet?"

08/08/13 9:15:33

"For God's sake, go out there and kill him... we're late for your anger management class."

27/06/13 8:22:14

Calv Incline.

26/03/13 20:10:41

Blockflusters.

08/10/12 8:36:44

"Well Liz, he always said "You can't keep a good man down." ..."but you managed it." "Yeh, must have taken a good eight minutes to finish the bastard."

23/10/15 14:03:57

"...and with my left hand I remove the wallet."

24/09/17 20:40:11

Jane would soon be in big trouble - this was a 'No Fly' zone.

20/09/14 20:26:19

Pete had hit rock bottom.

06/09/14 8:03:55

Steep descent: One in Ate.

01/09/13 8:46:51

"Sorry dad... nothing personal... but a contract's a contract."

19/08/13 9:08:21

"Phew... got through customs... now let's see if that coke's out yet."

18/08/13 8:37:31

Snarley Davidson.

10/08/13 8:36:22

"I canardly swim with this thing on..."

25/03/13 8:03:11

Handle with scare.

13/03/13 20:12:38

"Oh no, not me my dear... you have been touched by the hand of God..."

07/03/13 20:09:56

Toilet - duck.

16/10/12 20:05:04

"I see the Krauts are here already."
"Yeh, that bloody Angler Merkel again..."

11/10/12 15:19:02

Mick had always wanted a Roller.

10/10/12 20:15:54

Self-azured.

28/09/12 12:05:32

Bat immobile.

18/09/12 20:29:01

Difficult!...reckon this one requires a Caption Full Strength.

15/09/12 21:03:46

"...and it says in the brochure they can fit wheels on them when we're a bit older - how reassuring."

18/09/14 20:03:13

Ovine ready.

05/09/14 20:02:44

lol

"A sex change, are you sure?"
"Yes son, my mind's made up."

03/09/14 12:26:06

"Shouldn't there be water Pete?"
"Don't be daft John. This is a dry run."

15/09/13 9:18:29

"Is that a sweet shop over there?"
"Yes Batman."
"Good. I could murder a Penguin."

10/09/13 12:29:08

Michael Winger.

08/09/13 8:37:24

"I'm not happy mate. When you said come into the woods for a blow job..."

08/08/13 12:03:41

"Call me old fashioned but I preferred the old speed bumps."

27/06/13 12:49:06

"Have you heard?"
"What?"
"Well, apparently we're now a protected species."

21/03/13 8:10:56

"We need gas Bob."
"Yeh, where's the nearest filling station?"

04/10/12 12:15:59

Watered shit down.

27/09/12 8:28:52

"Look, no hands!"

11/08/12 11:06:56

"Fancy a cuddle tonight darling?"
"Sorry love, I just haven't got the energy."

01/11/15 20:26:56

Bob was proud of his act and the soup trick was just for starters.

20/10/15 13:32:16

"She's old enough to be my mother... am I being groomed?"

17/09/14 11:15:39

"But I want a trial."
"No need. We've been hangin' people for years. Works every time."

14/08/13 9:03:24

Charles Saatchi anticipates another 'little tiff' with the misses.

18/06/13 12:24:23

"Seen this stuff about Coke being bad for you?"
"Readit, readit."

23/10/12 12:24:55

Badly Withdrawn Boy.

21/09/12 20:08:01

Asian flu.

08/09/12 11:16:42

Harvey's wall-banger.

07/09/12 12:37:23

Missing ... if discovered please deliver to 'Lost Hand Found.'

21/08/12 20:09:20

"Two-thousand quid eh? Can I sleep on it?"

19/08/12 20:36:46

Bad press

14/08/12 8:17:29

"This is a statue"
"Oh! Thought it was a bust."

11/08/12 14:45:24

The locals often felt they were being stalked.

14/09/14 12:04:15

'D F S Fire Sale this bank holiday...'

07/09/13 8:02:00

Jack's drink problem started in his Fosters home.

31/08/13 8:17:55

'A spokesman for the Welsh authorities said: "Man-eating sheep? No way - it's just a leg-end.'

12/08/13 9:29:21

Ian Duncan Smith says his 3 months living on basic dole money was a 'doddle.'

07/08/13 12:43:28

Weed killer.

05/07/13 20:45:35

Bob was a born loafer.

02/07/13 23:10:15

"Come on... we've got work to do - chop-chop."

20/05/13 12:20:38

Anne turned to drink to get over the loss of her old flame.

27/04/13 14:19:48

Feels on Wheels.

26/04/13 17:07:33

"Screw my health. I'm going to heaven anyway."

25/04/13 8:08:37

"Terasa May remains confident that behind the scenes her crack team of lawyers have everything in hand for the imminent removal of Abu Qatada."

24/04/13 8:09:48

Wait watchers.

22/04/13 14:53:39

Distract line.

12/04/13 12:18:02

"Chouxmacher takes the lead..."

07/04/13 20:01:10

Rodekill.

21/03/13 20:04:11

Phil was earning mega-bucks. In fact he made tuns.

08/03/13 20:08:33

Locally brrrewed.

19/10/12 8:37:56

What John had really wanted was a Jaguar.

15/10/12 20:01:21

Waterweight Contest.

06/10/12 8:00:49

Bottle fed

01/10/12 8:00:56

Larger-than-life savers.

30/09/12 20:01:11

For a few swallows more.

06/09/12 12:09:56

"Waiter, this balloon's rubbery."
"Thank you velly much."

24/08/12 8:41:19

Horizontal hold

02/08/12 11:24:30

John had no intention of having another bike nicked.

20/10/15 8:12:16

John was sentenced to three years for playing with his organ in front of the kids.

17/10/15 8:21:01

Poppetmaster

02/11/15 8:01:40

"Buggering young boys a crime? What has civilization come to?"

25/10/15 20:37:13

After saying he'd had a close shave, the pilot was shunned by the community.

24/10/15 20:19:03

I keep thinking about tits... but anyway, back to Captionme...

23/09/14 8:03:13

"We are Captionme -you are being assimilated - resistance is futile."

20/09/14 8:12:33

"Three bloody hours I sat through that time-share presentation for these 'free gifts'..."

02/09/14 20:50:27

...alas a fatality resulted when a fireman was crushed in the rush to put it out.

31/08/14 20:18:11

Nue became a regular on daytime stalk shows.

14/09/13 8:03:14

"Where'd this trolley come from? ... and is that a body?"

11/09/13 8:10:51

The wine would come later... they'd already started with the wedding Bells.

23/08/13 20:30:01

"I love these new lightweight trousers. You hardly know you've got them on."

20/08/13 20:07:01

Ian Duncan Smith says he 'greatly admires' the Shanghai open-housing program for the unemployed.

25/07/13 9:48:35

"...after-dinner speaker my arse... turned out to be a real boar..."

13/07/13 11:59:21

"... Jews, Gypsys, queers... come to think of it... I could murder a raspberry ripple."

26/06/13 8:20:56

creative

"This arsehole keeps getting under my feet."

24/06/13 12:23:54

"Should we be pissing here John?"
"Yeh, we can do what we like, we're coppers."

24/04/13 16:33:15

From a tender age Jimmy was to be found with his head stuck in a bookshelf.

10/03/13 20:14:34

Two hours earlier it had bucketed down.

24/10/12 20:14:36

Funfare rides just aren't as busy these days - passengers are dropping off.

04/10/12 8:21:10

Sometimes Bond felt that perhaps Q was losing his touch.

25/09/12 12:17:41

"Strange! Seems to be something boldly growing in my underpants."

31/08/12 8:12:06

"Yes sir, I've had the operation ... went for the Jumbo size."

29/08/12 20:04:50

Grace lands

28/08/12 8:47:34

He hoped Miss fortune would favour the brave.

26/08/12 12:02:31

"What exactly is your beef?"

23/08/12 12:20:27

At last, police find the man they have been Lucan for.

10/08/12 13:46:13

"Fancy a steak Reg?"
"No love, after the day I've had, I need a pint"

06/08/12 20:36:36

Met Office say drought may be coming to an end

04/08/12 13:48:45

"When they asked me to be in a strip cartoon I though I'd get to see girls take their clothes off."

03/11/15 10:40:44

"He talks about me behind my back but he's sort of grown on me..."

14/10/15 20:07:29

"Straight sex? ... you sick bastard."

13/10/15 13:55:03

"Any old scrap?"
"What about these?"
"Yes, diesel do."

01/09/13 20:05:14

Red-a-Stare.

28/08/13 10:29:59

" I love the States and am often down in the Silicon Valley."

22/08/13 12:15:15

"Don't look now but there's some weirdo behind us carrying an umbrella... in July of all months..."

20/08/13 20:09:07

Phil excelled at most subjects but when it came to geography he was in the dark.

16/08/13 12:18:55

"...but I want to be taken by my own kind."
"Sorry sir but all the moles have been removed."

10/07/13 12:46:39

Sometimes Jim felt that as an architect he was going nowhere.

08/07/13 8:33:01

"I promise to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

23/06/13 20:01:16

Ball boy.

07/05/13 13:41:37

Old banger.

07/05/13 9:23:25

Anne thought this DIY lark was easy but she was in for a big shock.

02/05/13 8:08:34

Rare sighting of Great White Gale.

01/05/13 20:39:57

A young Moggie Thatcher in reflective mood.

11/04/13 16:19:54

Clint Eastward.

07/04/13 16:20:19

Piers Moregone

05/04/13 5:04:14

The Dummies deny being a manufactured boy band.

03/04/13 20:00:55

"Please, I'm in a hully, chop, chop..."

22/03/13 8:01:30

Mike, always a nobody, finally gets head-hunted.

19/03/13 8:00:42

Mick's beard constantly itched, it was a problem... but he'd soon have it licked.

18/10/12 8:13:38

Have your cake and beat it.

17/10/12 8:21:16

Eye candy.

09/10/12 8:07:19

"Can you tell me the way to The Nag's Head?"

07/10/12 8:38:12

Amelia Hairheart

05/10/12 20:00:35

... especially black ones.

29/09/12 21:28:24

All burcause the ladies love Herne Bay.

19/09/12 20:33:17

"Striking view."

14/09/12 8:10:08

Not exactly 'fast food.'

13/09/12 9:33:57

The judge was in a good mood and gave Mike a suspended sentence.

08/09/12 8:11:53

"Watch it! I used to be a boxer!"

07/09/12 20:16:10

Clothes combat

05/09/12 8:49:05

Kick Boxers

05/09/12 8:07:52

"I don't like it... this sea is ruff - ruff"

07/08/12 11:03:15

"I just got his tongue..."

22/09/14 20:01:39

Clowded house.

06/09/14 12:05:21

"She weighed 200lbs if she weighed an ounce son... I wrestled with her for hours... biggest one I ever landed ...anyway, that's enough about your mother."

11/09/13 8:05:20

They'd only been married 6 months and Jan was already sick of being pushed about.

10/09/13 20:17:49

"... and you realize that as members of Coronation Street there can be no hint of impropriety."

10/09/13 8:14:19

Mad dog Mitch was a lawn unto himself.

08/09/13 13:45:55

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to starboard you will see a man in civvies - that's me - your captain. I can explain everything..."

08/09/13 8:35:31

"Mugged a slug for his skateboard... he had no chance - it was all over in a flash."

20/08/13 8:40:27

Bob had melons coming out of his ears. He just prayed the doc could do something about it.

16/08/13 16:42:58

'Latest whistleblower enquiry: Police say that names are being leaked...'

15/08/13 8:03:58

"Anyway Mavis, enjoy your trip to Moscow."

10/08/13 12:11:31

"No way mate. I ain't got a chimp on my shoulder."

08/08/13 20:01:34

"My doctor used to make me miserable by nagging about my weight... so I ate him... now I'm happy again."

23/07/13 8:51:12

Smith from accounts couldn't resist a spreadsheet.

30/06/13 9:47:13

"Thanks for the offer lady... but I said I needed a 'posse'."

29/06/13 8:13:16

"You can win this on points. Dammit you were president of the Oxford Debating Society."

27/06/13 8:23:36

"You're wonderful... marvellous..."
"Yeh? ... and you're a right charmer."

19/05/13 12:01:22

"Reckon I should eat more... you can see my shoulder blade."

15/05/13 20:27:28

"Blimey, your breath reeks."
"Sorry, it's a touch of hellitosis."

06/05/13 20:04:48

"Hello, Coneservative Party headquarters... what's this 'all style and no substance' stuff?"

28/04/13 8:25:56

Ethan felt he was losing weight as he struggled with the Cone Brother's latest script.

28/04/13 8:11:50

After years of sitting on his organ John's helmet had turned black.

10/04/13 12:03:03

On leaving the shop, the owners were pelted.

10/04/13 8:06:51

"Eyes bin stitched up... so the gloves are off."

09/04/13 20:03:02

"Wanna lift?"
"I think it's high enough as it is lad."

27/03/13 20:21:31

"Foot on my chest - like that's gonna scare me... come down here and fight like a man..."

27/03/13 8:54:29

Jan liked her men 'rare' but frequent...

26/03/13 12:21:33

Plop 'art.

21/03/13 12:51:26

That night Jesus got blotto... it was his Last Stupor.

15/03/13 20:00:55

" What the hell? I'm not gay."
"Neither am I petal, but my husband is..."

01/03/13 15:40:24

"Kiss me Hardy."
"Not now Stanley."

22/10/12 20:06:17