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Michael Winner

signed up: 9 years, 1 month ago
profile viewed: 89 time(s) this week
caption quota: 53
votes given since joining: 55,384
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captions

lol

clever

"This week, on 'Taking a Selfie Using a Galaxy Note 7'..."

15/06/19 11:55:33

lol

clever x2

Caution: Chinese Dragon costume thieves operate in this area.

01/05/18 19:16:15

lol x2

creative

It was several weeks before his landlady realised he'd left without paying.

29/12/14 20:12:10

The following is not a joke; it's a compliment: If you show this image to a thousand people, 950 would just scratch their heads, 49 would make SOME sense out of it...and one, maybe just ONE would be funny. Congratulations! Nice caption, which is ... --Greg Curtis

lol x2

"...so I said, 'what ceiling fan?'..."

18/04/19 19:37:57

Keep chuckling to this a lot. It’s a brilliant caption 😃 --Karen Oakenfull

£50
WINNER

lol x2

"How will I recognise you?"

09/11/17 20:34:07

Woo woo! Thanks for the comments and the votes everyone! --Michael Winner

creative x4

A mass grave of unknown snowmen.

05/02/14 8:00:09

Fitting old jokes to captions isn't what I would do personally but each to their own, there's a big difference between getting inspiration from an old joke and then adapting it and citing an old gag word for word. A nod to the original is good f... --Shandonbelle

lol

"Permission to speak, Captain Mainwaring sir..."

24/03/14 20:00:55

creative

clever

West Cider Story.

22/03/16 12:03:32

♫ I feel slitty, oh so slitty ♫ --Boycie

lol x5

"Nigella! Have you been on the coke again?"

15/12/13 8:30:56

Now we know who's really behind the exhibits in Charles Saatchi's gallery. Damien Hurst? Tracy Emin? Neither can match the creativity of Nigella on coke. --Mark England

"Young man, about these airbags you fitted for me..."

13/07/12 19:00:06

lol

clever

Before the invention of video games, we had to play the analogue version of Space Invaders.

18/01/17 13:36:29

creative x2

clever

They have taken the holy vowels.

09/03/15 12:01:50

06/05/14 19:24:46

"Hello, Abbey Taxis? I saw your advert and I'd like to apply for the job…"

02/05/14 7:00:07

lol x2

creative

Eventually they tried other projectiles, but by then the name had stuck: 'catapult'.

20/07/15 7:04:20

creative

In an Espace, no one can hear you scream.

23/06/14 7:04:48

lol

Her thighs follow you around the room.

12/10/17 19:18:45

£100
WINNER

lol

creative

“Did you remember to pack the helium balloons for the party?”

12/06/16 11:00:44

Haha, thanks everyone, my first win, woowoo! --Michael Winner

"What do you want? I'm on the phone."

20/01/14 20:01:08

lol

MPs call to ban dangerous new sport of air jousting.

11/01/16 8:03:09

lol

"What's that, Lassie? There's a nuclear weapon about to go off, and we've only got six seconds to-"

01/11/15 12:00:22

"He won't negotiate, sir- he says he's going to blow up everyone in the building."

11/06/14 19:07:36

They would probably need a blow by blow account once it's all over. --Boycie

Accountants.

17/04/14 19:00:07

lol x2

Although it was invented in 1862, it wasn't until 1914 that the Land Mine was first used correctly.

14/11/13 8:27:34

lol

Mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

21/07/13 7:09:59

Dave was beside himself with fear.

15/07/12 19:10:09

Wife beater.

08/05/14 11:00:55

creative

No socks please, we're British.

16/03/14 20:00:21

Botox- know when to stop.

12/02/14 12:01:14

You may laugh, but the Swiss Army have ordered fifty.

27/10/12 8:00:37

clever

"GOAL!"

07/01/19 13:36:53

"Damn- I ordered a Bulldozer."

04/08/18 19:24:12

Roger Fedora.

17/09/16 7:01:26

Later on, it transforms into a sea bed.

03/10/15 19:04:59

clever

"Dave, that's not what I meant when I asked you to sync the files."

02/02/15 12:04:02

lol

creative

After the first few years, Peter Parker realised that decapitating his enemies, eating their bodies and displaying their stuffed and mounted heads on his bedroom wall was, perhaps, taking vigilante justice a little too far.

08/12/14 20:05:08

Funny, I was just typing the exact same caption! ....Just kidding. VERY creative. --Greg Curtis

"The inspiration for it came when I dropped a tomato."

18/09/19 7:13:56

creative

"I don't know how to thank you- one course of acupuncture and the pain is completely gone."

11/08/18 7:40:54

20/06/18 9:19:43

22/08/17 11:00:18

"Oooh, I see there's a new Polish family moved in."

16/01/17 12:13:08

"Ok, ok! We'll go bloody shoe shopping."

05/01/17 20:11:31

£50
WINNER

lol x3

"...and thats how we make McFlurries. Questions?"

01/10/16 19:11:15

I've never had a McFlurry. I don't think I'll bother now! ;) --Pussy Galore

Escapegoat.

08/07/15 7:04:48

"Virgin Trains hope that the cancellation of the carriages, engine, crew, buffet car and replacement bus service did not affect your enjoyment of today's journey."

26/08/14 19:01:50

Shadow Boxer.

20/07/14 11:00:05

You beat me to it! --Michael Monkhouse

They must be good- the eyes follow you around the room… and out of the gallery… and up the road…

05/07/14 7:03:11

creative

"Scarper lads- it's the Copse."

24/03/14 20:00:11

Day-return of the Jedi.

24/05/13 7:00:14

creative x2

"Pull harder Granddad, we're still miles from the nearest petrol station."

08/01/13 12:00:06

"Dave, you're pathetic. You just lie there and let people walk all over you."

07/12/12 8:08:27

When it's sunny, this sundial displays the time in four continents.

03/12/12 8:03:24

Gok, Paper, Scissors.

25/10/12 19:39:54

I'm really not sure about these new McDonalds urinals.

26/09/12 7:02:39

Sunday Warship.

12/07/19 7:10:14

“Let us give tanks to the Lord.”

12/07/19 7:00:06

creative

"Note to self: remember to tell Mrs Dawson not to move the furniture around when I'm returning from my time travel experiments."

08/07/19 19:14:47

lol

"What do you mean, I'm adopted?"

08/09/18 11:26:53

They should ban these novelty suitcases.

01/09/18 12:01:09

Where's Yolk-o?

02/04/18 11:00:35

Nobody, but nobody, was going to take Dave's pizza box.

02/01/18 13:12:01

Dave won’t be happy --Mr Dome

“Come on everyone, dig in.”

01/09/16 11:00:58

This hairstyle is inconceivable.

08/11/15 20:00:39

30/08/15 11:00:08

11/03/15 8:35:03

The Henry Ford colour chart.

08/01/15 20:04:40

Dark and ride. --John Glover

"Damn, we were close that time. Ok lads, let's try that tortoise pyramid again…"

14/09/14 7:01:16

lol

creative

"I had my doubts, but you were right", screamed Dave- 'this is the best funeral ever!"

02/08/14 11:07:10

creative

Woolly Jumpers.

24/07/14 7:01:33

People are always surprised to find out that Google Earth is just this guy on a big ladder.

29/06/14 11:36:44

creative

Once a Guantanamo Bay inmate, always a Guantanamo Bay inmate.

15/06/14 7:25:43

creative x2

Even as children they would rehearse the act that would eventually make them famous as 'Madness'.

03/06/14 19:01:49

"Dave, we need to talk- that's the fifteenth pizza that's disappeared before delivery this week."

28/05/14 19:08:40

Dave was a bit of a loose Canon.

13/04/14 19:00:06

As you can see, there's quite a queue at feeding time.

01/03/14 8:01:18

"Aw, crap- it's August, I must have overslept."

24/07/13 7:36:26

"That's odd", thought Dave, "I'm absolutely certain that I only put two in there…"

05/04/13 19:02:54

Glampax.

25/01/13 8:00:06

"Well, you'll just keep going on about your tax payments until you're... Oh."

06/05/12 19:03:08

Squashages

08/10/11 12:15:25

creative

'Police have announced the discovery of a body in their search for Dave Phillips, missing Human Cannonball.'

05/10/14 11:22:49

lol

"Well, there's your problem right there, mate- your oil tank is full of fish."

28/09/14 11:06:27

Shell fish? --John Glover

♫ There's a troll in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza ♫

09/07/14 7:00:14

lol

Outside of racing season, Jockeys often take up casual work.

19/06/14 11:00:11

creative

"Forty braves… on horseback… approaching from north…"

19/06/14 7:09:01

Super caption. --John Glover

"Yep- she's a witch."

29/05/14 7:00:08

The Cloned Ranger.

25/03/14 8:00:08

"Now, where did I leave those memory foam mattresses?"

07/02/14 8:02:24

Nothing would keep Tom from diving today, not even a massive flare-up of his haemorrhoids.

21/01/14 8:00:17

lol

Spaghetti Bollocknese

30/08/13 19:00:08

"Doc- be honest, what are my chances?"

07/08/13 7:12:10

''Slim'' --Ross Davidson

creative

"Oops, sorry," blushed the puppeteer "wrong ass".

05/06/13 19:00:09

Congrats Michael - this is June's caption of the month, featured on the Caption.Me Facebook page --Chris Beach

*Thinks* "Damn- why do I always get the Dalek with the wonky wheel?"

14/05/13 11:45:24

lol

"Bejesus, I could do with a pint- my horse just came in fifth."

25/04/13 7:00:43

Guide Dogs for the Colour Blind.

21/04/13 19:05:52

creative x2

"...slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us."

17/04/13 19:03:47

Love it. --Oli Blackwell

"Cone-ichiwa!"

14/04/13 7:00:43

Sex a peel.

04/04/13 11:00:19

Sex a peel? --Zac Kramer

It was quiet. Too quiet... I should have seen the signs.

02/04/13 11:00:59

Too damn quiet, sounds like an American Detective Story. Gets my Vote. --Neil Mackenzie

Don Quioské.

22/02/13 12:01:36

There's a sucker born every minute.

17/01/13 20:38:13

lol

"...and let that be a warning to all of the other construction workers who stray onto my land..."

17/01/13 12:28:36

"No, this is 'A'. You want the flat upstairs, 36B."

05/12/12 12:04:25

Shoplifting deterrents, Abu Dhabi.

12/10/12 7:00:50

PG Trips.

01/09/12 11:04:33

Huge Heffer.

20/07/12 10:12:49

He denied fingering A minor in a G string.

17/07/12 10:01:11

Note to chavs- never try to remove wheel trims from a moving vehicle.

08/07/12 10:00:43

Found: cat, black and white, 7lbs, three meter circumference.

19/06/12 10:01:17

Kids will do anything to avoid being adopted by Madonna.

10/06/12 19:02:39

Jam Pact.

13/05/12 19:00:45

Not to be confused with the 'I love Ewe' shop in Aberystwyth.

08/05/12 19:00:13

It came from Outer London.

06/05/12 19:00:31

'...recalculating...'

28/03/12 10:03:38

No one had the heart to tell protester Dave Bryant that the bypass was cancelled over twenty years ago.

02/01/12 11:26:07

They say that you're never more than six feet from a kebab.

14/09/18 19:00:24

clever

Aw, look at his little face all a-quiver.

25/03/18 19:07:11

…and that was the last time that we used the Pogo Stick Delivery Service.

24/01/18 20:10:21

"We know you're in there, you snake in the gas."

19/07/17 19:40:36

lol

clever

Ban this cruel sport of Panda Skittles.

15/04/16 11:15:39

lol

Who would have guessed that when the Messiah returned, he would taste so delicious?

12/10/15 20:13:59

She could see him coming from a mile off.

13/09/15 7:00:40

lol

There'll be shell toupeé.

10/03/15 20:09:29

24/02/15 20:04:49

14/02/15 20:06:04

06/12/14 9:19:04

"I never wanted to be King, I always wanted to be a proctologist."

19/08/19 7:23:53

William Telly Savalas.

24/06/19 7:12:45

The thoughts and prayers Savalas captioneers are with him. --Willie Johnson

End this sick animal ventriloquism.

22/06/19 7:51:48

Tomb Rider.

03/08/18 7:12:31

The end of the drainbow.

20/07/18 8:19:54

The Southern Rail passengers sighed with envy as they saw how much room the cattle had to move in.

10/07/18 11:05:17

lol

creative

clever

*whisper* "The Arctic Constrictor hunts by disguising its tracks in the snow..."

24/05/18 19:45:07

Hissterical --Greg Curtis

25/01/18 20:22:36

"At the first stroke, it will be..."

04/01/18 12:27:24

I'll bet eclipse it.

12/11/17 8:29:51

"Sadly, that was the last episode of Tom and Jerry, but tune in next week for a new series called 'The Tom Show'."

30/09/17 19:35:03

*SPARE TEN PENCE FOR A BLIND AND HOMELESS DALEK?*

27/09/17 19:23:35

'EXTORTIONATE!' --Mr Dome

Splinter Wonderland.

11/12/16 20:03:29

clever x2

"Well, there's your problem right there mate- your Head Casket's gone."

24/08/16 11:07:15

"Ok- whooth the joker with the thuperglue?"

11/08/16 8:43:24

Aww, cute- he's come as Luis Suarez.

01/11/15 8:02:37

The Land Before Crime.

20/10/14 11:04:39

She was surrounded by waves.

17/08/14 19:00:06

"It's a fare cop."

13/07/14 8:13:26

Pail face.

09/07/14 7:00:06

lol

"Job done! Thats one more success for the East Division Fire Team, and one less kitten in a tree."

04/07/14 7:00:32

"Take that, Pavement Man!"

19/06/14 7:00:22

"Hey gorgeous, ever tried tossing a dwarf?"

27/05/14 7:15:48

lol

"There's not much left, Mrs Armitage- are you sure that you're ready to identify the remains of your husband?"

14/05/14 11:00:22

This is why you should never open the door of a school staff room.

13/10/13 11:01:49

creative

"…and stay out!"

06/08/13 11:00:21

Dear Granny, thank you for the new hat- it fits like a glove.

05/08/13 19:00:10

Voted for you! I love that joke: Dr, I have five willies. - How do your underpants fit? - Like... --Michael Monkhouse

creative

Sometimes, it's not easy being a serial killer.

18/06/13 11:00:16

Reminds me of Peter Sutcliffe... didn't he end up in the prison bakery cutting up tarts? --Tony Busby

Skyscrapurr.

04/06/13 19:11:49

creative

Warning- vuvuzela thieves operate in this area.

28/04/13 11:00:51

Tesco are struggling to explain traces of Maple Syrup found in their Value Burgers.

07/02/13 20:01:22

Ha, I read that as "male syrup" the first time. --Steve Hann

"Honey, don't try fixing it yourself, we'll get a plumber in."

25/01/13 12:06:39

It's what Charlie Brown would have wanted.

11/12/12 12:01:23

Caf� au lay.

15/09/12 7:06:55

W.C. Fields.

02/09/12 7:02:41

"Run for your lives- it's Gary Glitter!"

30/08/12 19:00:16

Ampersandwich.

19/01/12 11:00:12

clever

Lo-cal prise winners.

15/09/14 7:05:42

lol x2

Dave was demolished in order to make way for a block of flats.

27/07/14 11:04:09

Pissed myself laughing at you trying to explain an unexplainable joke to someone who probably now needs another explanation as to what your first explanation was actually about..priceless..lol --Ron Allan

lol

"Don't speak- I can see that right now, you are beyond words", grinned Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

25/07/14 11:00:22

That did brighten my day. --Lucky Elperro

"Retire? Pah! A good Pimp never retires."

30/06/14 7:00:08

Dig those crazy beets.

12/06/14 12:07:00

"Aw crap, it's happened again- I really should fix that hole in the ceiling."

06/04/14 8:17:47

"You're thinking- did he activate six exothermic reactions, or only five?"

17/03/14 8:07:07

...and that's how you can tell an arse from an Elmo.

05/03/14 8:09:24

They say that you're never more than ten feet from a busker.

15/02/14 20:00:25

"Something's not right- I keep pressing 'Home', but I'm still here."

13/02/14 20:00:49

lol

Being buried up to my neck in sand, I thought that things couldn't possibly get any worse- until they started practicing Jazz Hands.

08/02/14 20:20:19

No one cares, Blaine.

31/01/14 8:01:02

Duracell Block H.

30/11/13 20:00:13

creative

She'd searched for hours, but had given up. There was only one thing for it- she was going to have to take the whole haystack to sewing class.

27/10/13 12:00:30

lol

creative

"I hate that thing, with its big stupid smiling face and its ability to fuse 620 million metric tons of hydrogen into helium every second...

It's right behind me, isn't it?"

07/10/13 7:06:13

No decimals? These sheep have obviously been rounded up.

15/06/13 11:04:22

Not affiliated to 'Scud-U-like', 'Murder King' or 'The MotherCare of all Battles'.

04/06/13 7:33:05

creative

"Ok, so we've established why you were speeding, but… why were you throwing the Turtle shells and banana skins?"

21/05/13 19:23:29

"PUNY MORTALS, PREPARE TO MEET THY D-
Oi, stop it… don't do that. Stop. Ow. I really mean it now, I'm going to get quite angry with you…"

29/04/13 11:02:38

"They'rrrrre GREAT!"

28/03/13 12:00:08

Jimmy's recently had his appendix removed.

10/03/13 20:07:48

In Morse Code it says 'Your car is now covered in shit'.

21/02/13 8:01:37

Sudweiser.

14/02/13 8:19:39

creative

"So- what are next year's election results?"

03/02/13 12:11:44

Compere the Meerkat.com

30/12/12 8:00:10

Is this some kind of wind-up?

20/12/12 8:00:06

Bach to nature.

18/12/12 12:06:01

It was a sad day, when Dame Edna came in to have Madge put down.

06/12/12 20:00:25

Len's Caps.

04/11/12 8:01:20

Say what you like, shes cheaper than a Dyson.

02/11/12 20:00:46

"We appear to be experiencing some turbulence, largely due to potholes on the A65."

01/11/12 12:00:30

Despite being an Air Hostess, Doctor, Pilot, Paratrooper and Ambassador for World peace, Barbie always kept quiet as to her Occupation from 1939 to 1945.

26/10/12 7:04:03

Bad heir day.

25/06/12 10:00:06

I see the local election results are in.

06/11/11 20:05:21

It was at this exact point that I stopped watching Lost.

18/12/19 21:00:08

Yep, same here. I'm relieved though to find out what the Smoke Monster really looks like - --Glyn Evans

"As you ordered, madam- the head of Boris Johnson."

06/05/19 11:08:37

The Loovre.

13/12/18 20:33:56

more captions

last comments (total: 817)

Was that on Quality Street?

Karyn Harrison

03/11/19
8:58pm

comment on caption:
Seconds later, she was run over on a zebra crossing. [Michael Winner]

Touch/e.

Scrijjy Doo

07/11/19
8:39pm

comment on caption:
♫ We've only just begun ♫ [Michael Winner]

Alcoholics Synonymous?

[anon]

17/11/19
1:15pm

comment on caption:
This isn't how 12-step programmes work, guys. [Michael Winner]

I saw him a couple of weeks ago in Lidl in Chesterfield. He walks so bow legged you would think he actually did ride the ostrich all the time

Mr Dome

08/12/19
9:03pm

comment on caption:
There is no end to your genius, Bernie Clifton. [Michael Winner]

That was actually Bernie Clifton wearing the top half of a Bernie Clifton suit. The bottom half was played by an ostrich wearing trousers.

(caption author)

10/12/19
9:39pm

comment on caption:
There is no end to your genius, Bernie Clifton. [Michael Winner]

Yep, same here. I'm relieved though to find out what the Smoke Monster really looks like -

Glyn Evans

19/12/19
8:38am

comment on caption:
It was at this exact point that I stopped watching Lost. [Michael Winner]

I am Lost.

[anon]

20/12/19
3:44pm

comment on caption:
It was at this exact point that I stopped watching Lost. [Michael Winner]

I think someone's been watching The Trial of Christine Keeler!

Karyn Harrison

Sunday
10:21pm

comment on caption:
"Delivery for Mr Vaz." [Michael Winner]

I haven't seen it so I don't know the reference, but I'll try to catch it online. I was thinking of party boy MP Keith Vaz, who is trying to return to politics.

(caption author)

Sunday
10:31pm

comment on caption:
"Delivery for Mr Vaz." [Michael Winner]

The subject matter and timing of your caption was just so coincidental I felt sure this was where you'd got your inspiration.

Karyn Harrison

Sunday
11:20pm

comment on caption:
"Delivery for Mr Vaz." [Michael Winner]

more comments

Michael Winner

best latest latest and best captions

last comments (total: 817)

captions