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Michael Winner

signed up: 10 years, 7 months ago
profile viewed: 306 time(s) this week
caption quota: 55
caption votes given since joining: 61,956
comment quota: 34
comment votes given since joining: 2,359
super vote quota: 3

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I've taken a break captioning for a while due to recovering from the dreaded lurgy and a resulting brain fog. I'm back now though, which either means trouble, or more votes for captions. Or votes for troubling captions.

Age: 10

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captions

lol

clever

"This week, on 'Taking a Selfie Using a Galaxy Note 7'..."

15/06/19 12:55:33

lol

clever x2

Caution: Chinese Dragon costume thieves operate in this area.

01/05/18 20:16:15

lol x2

creative

It was several weeks before his landlady realised he'd left without paying.

29/12/14 20:12:10

The following is not a joke; it's a compliment: If you show this image to a thousand people, 950 would just scratch their heads, 49 would make SOME sense out of it...and one, maybe just ONE would be funny. Congratulations! Nice caption, which is ... --Greg Curtis

lol x2

"...so I said, 'what ceiling fan?'..."

18/04/19 20:37:57

Keep chuckling to this a lot. Itâ€™s a brilliant caption ðŸ˜ƒ --Karen Oakenfull

£50
WINNER

lol x2

"How will I recognise you?"

09/11/17 20:34:07

Woo woo! Thanks for the comments and the votes everyone! --Michael Winner

creative x4

A mass grave of unknown snowmen.

05/02/14 8:00:09

Fitting old jokes to captions isn't what I would do personally but each to their own, there's a big difference between getting inspiration from an old joke and then adapting it and citing an old gag word for word. A nod to the original is good f... --Shandonbelle

lol

"Permission to speak, Captain Mainwaring sir..."

24/03/14 20:00:55

creative

clever

West Cider Story.

22/03/16 12:03:32

â™« I feel slitty, oh so slitty â™« --Boycie

lol x5

"Nigella! Have you been on the coke again?"

15/12/13 8:30:56

Now we know who's really behind the exhibits in Charles Saatchi's gallery. Damien Hurst? Tracy Emin? Neither can match the creativity of Nigella on coke. --Mark England

"Young man, about these airbags you fitted for me..."

13/07/12 20:00:06

lol

clever

Before the invention of video games, we had to play the analogue version of Space Invaders.

18/01/17 13:36:29

creative x2

clever

They have taken the holy vowels.

09/03/15 12:01:50

06/05/14 20:24:46

"Hello, Abbey Taxis? I saw your advert and I'd like to apply for the job"¦"

02/05/14 8:00:07

lol

Top tip: when your pets die, have them stuffed and turned into croquet hoops.

13/08/20 12:01:10

lol x2

creative

Eventually they tried other projectiles, but by then the name had stuck: 'catapult'.

20/07/15 8:04:20

creative

In an Espace, no one can hear you scream.

23/06/14 8:04:48

lol

Her thighs follow you around the room.

12/10/17 20:18:45

£100
WINNER

lol

creative

â€œDid you remember to pack the helium balloons for the party?â€

12/06/16 12:00:44

Haha, thanks everyone, my first win, woowoo! --Michael Winner

"What do you want? I'm on the phone."

20/01/14 20:01:08

lol

MPs call to ban dangerous new sport of air jousting.

11/01/16 8:03:09

lol

"What's that, Lassie? There's a nuclear weapon about to go off, and we've only got six seconds to-"

01/11/15 12:00:22

"He won't negotiate, sir- he says he's going to blow up everyone in the building."

11/06/14 20:07:36

They would probably need a blow by blow account once it's all over. --Boycie

Accountants.

17/04/14 20:00:07

lol x2

Although it was invented in 1862, it wasn't until 1914 that the Land Mine was first used correctly.

14/11/13 8:27:34

lol

Mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

21/07/13 8:09:59

Dave was beside himself with fear.

15/07/12 20:10:09

Wife beater.

08/05/14 12:00:55

creative

No socks please, we're British.

16/03/14 20:00:21

Botox- know when to stop.

12/02/14 12:01:14

You may laugh, but the Swiss Army have ordered fifty.

27/10/12 9:00:37

clever

"GOAL!"

07/01/19 13:36:53

"Damn- I ordered a Bulldozer."

04/08/18 20:24:12

Roger Fedora.

17/09/16 8:01:26

Later on, it transforms into a sea bed.

03/10/15 20:04:59

clever

"Dave, that's not what I meant when I asked you to sync the files."

02/02/15 12:04:02

lol

creative

After the first few years, Peter Parker realised that decapitating his enemies, eating their bodies and displaying their stuffed and mounted heads on his bedroom wall was, perhaps, taking vigilante justice a little too far.

08/12/14 20:05:08

Funny, I was just typing the exact same caption! ....Just kidding. VERY creative. --Greg Curtis

clever

Peter Parkour.

04/06/21 20:09:53

Quack Lives Matter.

17/05/21 8:20:19

"Haven't you forgotten something?", asked the Fencing judge.

10/01/21 14:13:36

Foiled again. --John Glover

That awful moment when you realise that you are the PiÃ±ata.

11/08/20 8:37:19

"The inspiration for it came when I dropped a tomato."

18/09/19 8:13:56

creative

"I don't know how to thank you- one course of acupuncture and the pain is completely gone."

11/08/18 8:40:54

20/06/18 10:19:43

22/08/17 12:00:18

"Oooh, I see there's a new Polish family moved in."

16/01/17 12:13:08

"Ok, ok! We'll go bloody shoe shopping."

05/01/17 20:11:31

£50
WINNER

lol x3

"...and thats how we make McFlurries. Questions?"

01/10/16 20:11:15

I've never had a McFlurry. I don't think I'll bother now! ;) --Pussy Galore

Escapegoat.

08/07/15 8:04:48

"Virgin Trains hope that the cancellation of the carriages, engine, crew, buffet car and replacement bus service did not affect your enjoyment of today's journey."

26/08/14 20:01:50

Shadow Boxer.

20/07/14 12:00:05

You beat me to it! --Michael Monkhouse

They must be good- the eyes follow you around the room"¦ and out of the gallery"¦ and up the road"¦

05/07/14 8:03:11

creative

"Scarper lads- it's the Copse."

24/03/14 20:00:11

Day-return of the Jedi.

24/05/13 8:00:14

creative x2

"Pull harder Granddad, we're still miles from the nearest petrol station."

08/01/13 12:00:06

"Dave, you're pathetic. You just lie there and let people walk all over you."

07/12/12 8:08:27

When it's sunny, this sundial displays the time in four continents.

03/12/12 8:03:24

Gok, Paper, Scissors.

25/10/12 20:39:54

I'm really not sure about these new McDonalds urinals.

26/09/12 8:02:39

After 1936, the Olympics committee removed the Hitler-salute-o-hurdle event.

04/07/21 12:00:10

It was heily irregular. --Al Overy

"Dammit- we should have checked before giving him a fixed cost for the Back, Sack and Crack."

24/07/20 8:15:44

Sunday Warship.

12/07/19 8:10:14

"Let us give tanks to the Lord."

12/07/19 8:00:06

creative

"Note to self: remember to tell Mrs Dawson not to move the furniture around when I'm returning from my time travel experiments."

08/07/19 20:14:47

lol

"What do you mean, I'm adopted?"

08/09/18 12:26:53

They should ban these novelty suitcases.

01/09/18 13:01:09

Where's Yolk-o?

02/04/18 12:00:35

Nobody, but nobody, was going to take Dave's pizza box.

02/01/18 13:12:01

Dave wonâ€™t be happy --Mr Dome

"Come on everyone, dig in."

01/09/16 12:00:58

This hairstyle is inconceivable.

08/11/15 20:00:39

30/08/15 12:00:08

11/03/15 8:35:03

The Henry Ford colour chart.

08/01/15 20:04:40

Dark and ride. --John Glover

"Damn, we were close that time. Ok lads, let's try that tortoise pyramid again"¦"

14/09/14 8:01:16

lol

creative

"I had my doubts, but you were right", screamed Dave- 'this is the best funeral ever!"

02/08/14 12:07:10

creative

Woolly Jumpers.

24/07/14 8:01:33

People are always surprised to find out that Google Earth is just this guy on a big ladder.

29/06/14 12:36:44

creative

Once a Guantanamo Bay inmate, always a Guantanamo Bay inmate.

15/06/14 8:25:43

creative x2

Even as children they would rehearse the act that would eventually make them famous as 'Madness'.

03/06/14 20:01:49

"Dave, we need to talk- that's the fifteenth pizza that's disappeared before delivery this week."

28/05/14 20:08:40

Dave was a bit of a loose Canon.

13/04/14 20:00:06

As you can see, there's quite a queue at feeding time.

01/03/14 8:01:18

"Aw, crap- it's August, I must have overslept."

24/07/13 8:36:26

"That's odd", thought Dave, "I'm absolutely certain that I only put two in there"¦"

05/04/13 20:02:54

Glampax.

25/01/13 8:00:06

"Well, you'll just keep going on about your tax payments until you're... Oh."

06/05/12 20:03:08

Squashages

08/10/11 13:15:25

creative

'Police have announced the discovery of a body in their search for Dave Phillips, missing Human Cannonball.'

05/10/14 12:22:49

lol

"Well, there's your problem right there, mate- your oil tank is full of fish."

28/09/14 12:06:27

Shell fish? --John Glover

🎵 There's a troll in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza 🎵

09/07/14 8:00:14

lol

Outside of racing season, Jockeys often take up casual work.

19/06/14 12:00:11

creative

"Forty braves"¦ on horseback"¦ approaching from north"¦"

19/06/14 8:09:01

Super caption. --John Glover

"Yep- she's a witch."

29/05/14 8:00:08

The Cloned Ranger.

25/03/14 8:00:08

"Now, where did I leave those memory foam mattresses?"

07/02/14 8:02:24

Nothing would keep Tom from diving today, not even a massive flare-up of his haemorrhoids.

21/01/14 8:00:17

lol

Spaghetti Bollocknese

30/08/13 20:00:08

"Doc- be honest, what are my chances?"

07/08/13 8:12:10

''Slim'' --Ross Davidson

creative

"Oops, sorry," blushed the puppeteer "wrong ass".

05/06/13 20:00:09

Congrats Michael - this is June's caption of the month, featured on the Caption.Me Facebook page --Chris Beach

*Thinks* "Damn- why do I always get the Dalek with the wonky wheel?"

14/05/13 12:45:24

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last comments (total: 947)

I hear you. The only thing worse is talking about the rules of cricket.
(*Sorry, I went for the joke. Hope you don't think it's too harsh.)

Willie Johnson

06/07/21
10:47am

comment on caption:
Every day I become more and more infuriated by the rules of cricket. [Michael Winner]

Thanks, cap auth, I just spent a delightful half hour learning about the looking glass paradox. I confess, the proof of completeness is entirely beyond my little brain.

:^)

-Crunchy

Crunchy Chords

14/07/21
7:02pm

comment on caption:
"I mean it this time- if that bloody Alice employs one more enantiomorphic logical paradox or inverted First-Order Lindenbaum"“Henkin proof of completeness I'm going to scream." [Michael Winner]

Same here- I'm with the flamingo.

(caption author)

14/07/21
9:27pm

Bought 'em, and now he'll feed 'er.

Willie Johnson

16/07/21
1:17am

comment on caption:
Bottom feeder. [Michael Winner]

🎵 "Oh, what a feeling" 🎵

Crunchy Chords

16/07/21
4:16pm

comment on caption:
He's such a massive Lionel Richie fan. [Michael Winner]

A three to four year pregnancy? That would be lovely, wouldn't it?

Willie Johnson

25/07/21
3:14am

comment on caption:
Occasionally, one twin is larger, and significantly older than the other. [Michael Winner]

Yes on both counts.

Willie Johnson

25/07/21
3:34am

comment on caption:
Let me guess- Libertarian, right? [Michael Winner]

Yes, it was all an accident. No one in their right mind would ever expect squirrels to use a sniper rifle!

Glyn Evans

Wednesday
1:26pm

comment on caption:
"Good- there's nothing that suggests that village car crash was anything but an accident..." [Michael Winner]

That accident was no accident.

Willie Johnson

Wednesday
2:06pm

comment on caption:
"Good- there's nothing that suggests that village car crash was anything but an accident..." [Michael Winner]

Yes, it was. The squirrels accidentally loaded the rifle, they accidentally aimed it at the passing car and then they accidentally fired it. They were also accidentally working for the CIA. These clumsy squirrels and their hijinks!

Glyn Evans

Thursday
7:59am

comment on caption:
"Good- there's nothing that suggests that village car crash was anything but an accident..." [Michael Winner]

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Michael Winner

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