Stephen Paterson

Brian was incredibly nervous about his upcoming appearance on Mastermind.

Bah HungBug!

22/12/16 12:01:58

Thank you folks, that's now my best scoring caption. :-) --Stephen Paterson

30/09/17 12:15:44

It brings a new meaning to the phrase "I've started so I'll finish"! --Paul Woolley

Meanwhile in Aberdeen, someone had just popped their head in the door to announce that a cash machine was giving out double the notes.

Indognito.

12/09/15 9:01:42

£50
WINNER

lol x2

This week on When Dogs Look Like Their Owners: Piers Morgan.

18/07/18 0:32:15

Woof! Wasn't expecting that. Nice one Folks! --Stephen Paterson

09/11/15 12:02:16

11/09/15 17:24:00

Shellraiser.

22/06/15 12:02:12

Not surprised there's a queue, they've only got a single file.

15/03/18 12:02:00

A typo in their recruitment advert meant one house builder ended up with a specialist in Patois.

07/05/17 9:42:42

You clever cant. --Neil Mackenzie

Turns out, Jane was also being paid peanuts.

14/03/18 20:00:42

Sqwheel!

08/03/18 12:37:56

Careful now, someone's set booby traps.

13/12/16 14:35:11

I had to buy more after some sick individual deflowered the last ones.

24/07/18 21:53:37

Must be a cross-breed.

23/02/15 11:27:19

Farmer Sutra

05/01/12 11:45:49

Well that's Frosty off the Nice list, thought Santa after witnessing his inappropriate salute.

Fatter Seat Dogs Home.

29/08/16 8:13:25

23/11/15 13:28:52

Guilt trip.

14/11/15 12:17:02

The Gland National

02/05/17 12:07:59

Make something out of lego? I'm not that creative but I'll have a stab at it.

31/08/16 12:02:57

"Best Tea-Towel holder ever!"

24/12/15 9:28:44

Wee three Kings.

26/01/12 11:03:07

Moments later Kermit got pulled over by the police and was found to have a massive collection of frogs pawn.

04/10/11 11:11:40

Pier pressure.

30/12/16 12:06:15

Mannequin Skywalker

16/04/15 11:24:17

Clare hadn't quite gotten over her yeast infection.

12/08/17 12:21:19

See, weed does mess with your head.

31/07/17 8:01:22

An outfit he threw together at the eleventh hour.

03/11/15 20:23:43

♫ Shoelips from Amsterdam ♫

25/02/15 9:54:59

06/02/15 12:04:56

13/09/17 10:56:00

06/05/17 10:41:05

This car was sold the following day, as an ex-demonstrator.

13/02/17 12:10:22

"Wait till you see the other side Pat, you're bound to have a stroke".

07/12/16 9:44:14

"Flaming Squatters!"

27/11/16 8:47:24

Spoilt for years, Brian needed a boot up the arse.

01/05/16 8:50:43

Everyone was surprised when the third brother turned out to be Brown Sauce.

09/12/15 20:25:25

Jane knew she was in safe hands, as her partner had already experienced fourth baste.

22/11/15 8:33:19

"What a husky voice you have!"

21/10/15 21:05:21

The Xylophobic chants were hard to take.

25/06/15 11:28:20

The Fritzl Bunch.

02/12/11 11:29:18

Hence why I voted!!!! WHEYY--OHHH --Bob Geddon

Moments later toilet duck was done for domestos violence.

20/09/11 11:41:47

Four guys, NO Cups!

09/11/11 9:57:22

It was the first time Toilet Duck had come across a floater in the bath, so he set about it gingerly.

04/11/11 11:28:36

I don't think you were supposed to untie that.

18/10/11 11:01:36

Rene and the Airmen were beginning to suspect that the Resistance were taking the piss.

16/03/17 21:07:12

AC/DC?

08/01/17 12:38:36

Highway to hell --Petey Bee

As if he wasn't already shocked.

08/01/17 12:08:44

Nice One! Cheers Andrea x --Stephen Paterson

This Den belongs to Levi Roots.

14/11/15 8:34:28

Scream Tea.

11/09/15 13:01:28

Surely it was time to stand up to these seikos.

08/04/17 14:46:57

♪ And they call it puppy glove ♪

No butts!

31/12/16 10:10:13

no hips and butts --sandeep chahal

Times Square, Manhatton.

18/11/16 12:11:41

Morecambe Unwise

02/11/16 9:23:28

06/09/16 12:00:08

Now that's what I call Parental Control.

17/08/16 10:41:03

China begins targeting illegal squatters.

15/08/16 11:19:43

Subway, Eat Fresh.

29/07/16 9:59:53

Dribbling was a key part of his game.

19/07/16 12:50:25

It's meant to be BASIL, the R's Faulty.

Tarmacmadam.

10/02/16 13:11:49

02/12/15 21:29:30

Guy playing Basil Fawlty criticised Cleese for being too tall. Not 'is fault 'e towers. --Michael Monkhouse

Ah, just remembered, we're out of Peanut Butter.

07/11/15 8:35:11

The height of irony.

02/11/15 12:51:26

Paranormal Activitea

11/09/15 12:55:47

SmiLing

06/06/15 9:15:01

"Erm, I don't suppose you'd like to take up a Missionary Position?"

29/05/15 12:41:42

Mick Jagger had petitioned for these two to be banned from his local beach.
However, he can't get no fatties sanction.

18/07/11 15:34:58

Smoothest Bus Ride Ever, thought Mrs Magoo.

16/07/18 11:32:32

Mood swings.

07/05/18 20:23:01

Such an embarrassing period to talk about, the minstrel cycle.

06/03/18 9:46:38

Leaf Blower

22/04/17 12:09:38

Plays havoc with Bill's Gait.

14/01/17 10:43:48

That's the problem with rolling snowballs in the garden, there's always the chance of picking up a little shit.

20/12/16 15:55:35

What a horrific carpet!

28/04/16 10:31:41

Not a Taco Belle.

15/04/16 10:51:03

And they're not taking the piss.

09/03/16 12:01:26

It wasn't just his moustache that was revolting. When it came to the future of Poland, Jozef had Tsars in his eyes.

26/02/16 13:11:49

quit Stalin and get to the point... ;-) --[anon]

A Damsel in Discdress.

20/01/16 19:18:16

So I guess it's true about them having a massive Dong.

11/11/15 12:13:45

"And this" said Bill Oddie, "is a lesser spotted pecker eating a tiny acorn"

13/09/15 10:36:37

The only time it's acceptable to hit a bum note.

09/09/15 13:41:59

♪ Amstel Standing ♪

24/06/15 12:10:37

Telling stories of how he was half baked in the Red Light district of Amsterdam, Brian failed to mention that he'd caught a yeast infection.

18/06/15 9:15:34

Brian was aggrieved at having to pay a higher Congestion Charge.

CEYLON!

09/06/15 14:24:22

06/01/12 11:00:21

Brian was having a field day.

05/01/12 11:36:15

Phew, that was close, it nearly taurus a new one.

24/10/11 12:23:05

Clare's profile simply read: Looking for a Tallboy to hang around with.

29/09/11 12:20:00

Nest-cafe

31/03/11 11:09:17

For he's a jolly good Bellow..

26/02/18 12:04:10

Available from specialist Nurseries.

26/07/17 12:03:51

The Bong Arm Of The Law.

19/04/17 20:17:34

You only ever see Eggmog at Christmas.

19/12/16 9:33:03

Jack the Clipper strikes again.

07/09/16 12:04:03

It was taking longer than expected for Sue Posatori to make the transition from Ten Pin Bowling to Wrestling.

07/03/16 12:08:30

Malcolm X Files.

23/02/16 12:11:45

Baroosta.

27/11/15 12:04:12

Dr Heiter had grown tired of Centipedes.

10/10/15 8:58:49

"How can you have any Pudding if you don't eat yer meat?!"
Shackleton's crew had concerns over his mental health.

03/10/15 16:09:20

One Kiss concert later and he was hooked.

17/04/15 12:26:37

Theresa was at the end of her tether.

28/10/11 11:14:55

BP were not the only ones to spoil a good beach.

18/07/11 11:54:53

Clare would regret saying that she'd give her right leg for a great Christmas.

22/12/11 11:16:06

Block Party.

02/12/11 12:01:16

Almost over the hill.

10/11/11 9:52:38

Rachael was often accused of being too shallow.

20/07/11 12:33:28

Rubble and Strife.

15/07/11 11:22:51

Thank god it wasn't a manhole.

23/07/18 12:14:19

Free Covfefe!

01/04/18 12:02:54

Avoid spilling your load!

26/01/18 12:17:19

Canter Terrorism Unit.

15/08/17 21:44:49

14/08/17 15:56:05

08/08/17 12:02:03

19/06/17 12:16:22

03/05/17 13:08:39

28/04/17 12:53:15

"He's ripped!"
"Aye, jist aboot everything he's touched!"

05/04/17 11:38:30

The Lord Of The Wings - Apologies, it's just a Tolkien effort.

13/03/17 14:33:57

Starts off as a single cell and before you know it, you've got a pain in the arse.

01/01/17 11:58:47

Wardrobe Male Function

10/11/16 15:23:23

Well, that's going to need sorting!

25/08/16 14:22:49

Bichon Freeze.

12/08/16 12:26:13

Freeze works better than Froze. --Darthey Bussell

Someone's being a wee bit anal.

14/04/16 12:17:38

Many thought the builders were doing a great job. But it was only a matter of time before the cracks started to show.

24/03/16 11:19:33

British Telecomummifications.

11/03/16 12:20:45

Jingle Hell

21/12/15 0:31:54

Just ignore him, he's teething.

01/12/15 10:02:36

Late on in Sheffield, it was United 8, Orient 1.

08/11/15 12:59:30

Glad you got it that way round I used to play football for them --Bad Boy Dennis.

Should've used the Ford.

26/08/15 12:44:07

People Are Strange, by The Doors.

13/06/15 8:12:14

Ladies and Gentlemen thank you for flying Dignitas Airlines.

27/04/15 12:38:16

MORE BLOODY PLASTIC IN OUR WATER!
Oops! Caps Loch.

21/07/18 12:20:36

As if being a conjoined twin wasn't difficult enough.

09/07/18 8:43:40

Oprah Wingfree - A large and vocal black bird.

06/03/18 12:25:10

Believed to contain some of Dick and Dom's best work.

16/09/17 9:37:20

B O G I E S! I have been drawn into a game of this on occasion. At my age I really should nose better. --Vivvy En

Copper load of that!

28/06/17 12:11:05

Reliant Dobbin.

20/03/17 20:24:57

A U.S Enterprise.

21/01/17 8:16:52

I said quirky footwear, this is more qwerty!

14/01/17 8:07:19

Clever, however I would have perhaps simplified it to just: ‘Qwerty Footwear’. --William Kay

Back when Adele was chasing pavements.

02/01/17 10:35:47

Clare's pop-up shop was having teething problems.

19/12/16 11:54:20

Korky was feeling just Dandy.

15/12/16 20:11:21

Too much cow pie, obviously. --Pussy Galore

At £10 a go, I left with a bad taste in my mouth.

02/12/16 12:42:44

Security were at a loss to explain the record amount of shoplifting that day.

19/09/16 21:31:15

The stark fact is that there's no removing that crease.

14/09/16 12:02:34

Busted!

28/08/16 13:18:07

As the Unofficial African Darts Champion, Brian loved it when the Fun Fair came to town.

22/08/16 12:52:40

Mr Spoonerism Bellowed "YIKES"

07/08/16 12:46:17

This public enemy went from being a model Citizen to an underground seiko.

25/07/16 8:15:27

No change there then!

10/07/16 9:03:55

The lesser known story of Purplestumpskin was so Grimm, they covered it up.

22/04/16 14:37:48

What do you mean, you no longer serve Regals!?

21/04/16 14:53:51

Jimmy had made a few Mods to his Mow-ped.

13/04/16 16:42:56

They've issued a Catwa?!

02/03/16 10:25:13

Seikomasochism

24/02/16 12:10:27

Turns out Brian used to work crime scenes.

13/02/16 17:41:08

Lynn was known locally as a bit of a ox teaser.

12/02/16 12:14:59

Severe frostbite around the balls, had left Brian a shadow of a man.

09/02/16 12:23:05

"What's that go to do with Tina Turner?"
"Well you see, I've come as Anime!"

25/11/15 12:27:15

That is BRILLIANT. --Dan Nicholls

"SEXTERMINATE!"

08/11/15 20:28:42

Brian faced a suspension for being caught having a fly drink.

30/10/15 12:39:33

Whether it's Art or Vandalism, they're all Aerosols.

16/09/15 12:49:57

Mr Physical Ed.

10/09/15 16:07:07

After several BBC news interviews, touring was never going to be easy for this former IRA member.

05/06/15 12:09:20

Rumour has it, whilst on the other side of the world, Kim Kardashian let one go.

13/02/15 12:40:49

PMSL -must be her new ass --Mike Dee

I thought this site used royalty free images?

26/01/12 11:35:55

Struggling here. All the best material's been used already.

23/01/12 14:05:54

Clare's parking was that smart, it was unparalleled.

02/12/11 12:34:54

I'm always burning toast as there's little margarine for error.

17/10/11 11:05:49

When questioned by police, Lou employed the lesser known Mambo no.5 defense:
A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need...

30/09/11 12:38:19

Another pair of City Traders wishing for a double dip.

28/09/11 11:02:47

Dennis decided he no longer required a telly after being sent a video by Lee.

16/09/11 11:32:02

When you said you were going to stick 300 pounds on a horse...

14/09/11 12:51:24

BLOODY MIDGES!

26/08/11 16:11:43

Billy's Facebook entry simply read, "Just going down the beach with a 17 year old Swedish model".

17/08/11 11:28:53

Daffyd was the only Gay in the Regiment.

06/09/10 17:09:31

Having just displayed the elasticity of her new pink knickers to a friend, Hannah tried to stay straight faced as she pondered how to get them back.

02/08/10 16:51:28

Pretty sure that this picture has been doctored.

18/07/18 12:49:35

Jay-Z's new venture was never going to run smoothly.

12/07/18 13:19:12

One of his records is called 99 Problems... --Dan Nicholls

I asked if they would teach me to double dutch, but they wouldn't even show me the ropes.

12/06/18 20:30:03

So, Splash 2 is being made by Tim Burton.

17/05/18 7:12:45

Staff short-ages?

12/05/18 9:12:31

"10 Cents a Can! He truly is The Redeemer"

04/05/18 10:53:56

Smerkin

16/03/18 12:53:25

The Real Dim Shady.

07/03/18 12:32:00

This years Walking Dead convention had a huge turnout.

06/03/18 22:57:44

The Throne Wars.

05/03/18 12:02:06

"No one going to buzz in?" asked Sue Barker.
"Well it's former Welsh Snooker player, Doug Mountjoy"

20/09/17 22:44:13

The Eyeful Towers

15/09/17 13:04:09

They were the apples of his i's.

28/08/17 11:17:52

Jeez, Confession appears to have gone off the rails.

14/08/17 12:06:29

♪ Express Yourself ♪

19/07/17 9:26:40

See Sis, told you he was a keeper.

09/06/17 20:25:41

No, I'd like to know the actual price please, not some ballpark figure.

07/06/17 9:58:14