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If only she knew that Im daydreaming about wrapping myself in clingfilm whilst beating up the Teletubbies. Should I tell her? No, its the first date, just get the drinks in.
If only she knew that Im daydreaming about wrapping myself in clingfilm whilst beating up the Teletubbies. Should I tell her? No, its the first date, just get the drinks in. photo | portfolio
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The Wolf Vote score: 8873The Wolf

If only she knew that I'm daydreaming about wrapping myself in clingfilm whilst beating up the Teletubbies. Should I tell her? No, it's the first date, just get the drinks in.

09/09/20 7:15:17

 
Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 11104Neil Mackenzie

When you’re thinking for the price of that coffee you just bought her, you could of bought some new spark plugs.

09/09/20 7:00:11

 
Karen Oakenfull Vote score: 1758Karen Oakenfull

Jim wished the bell would ring so he could go to the next speed date.

09/09/20 7:20:46

 1
She's picking out the wedding invitations already. --Willie Johnson
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 13376Vanessa the Guesser

She could show a little more gratitude. Dave took his girlfriend out for a bite every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday throughout August during every single pandemic.

09/09/20 7:14:27

 1
So double pandemics don't count? --Willie Johnson
Fozzgog B. Vote score: 306Fozzgog B.

Jim was staring into a dark future where the only hip joints he would experience were those implanted by an orthopaedic surgeon

09/09/20 20:23:41

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11824Dave Bryan

''Should we go through the wedding guest list one more time?''

09/09/20 7:40:52

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11824Dave Bryan

''What am I doing here listening to her boring prattle when I could be back home posting captions?''

09/09/20 7:36:55

 
James Lennox Vote score: 6431James Lennox

I wish I'd ordered a coffee instead of this damn bowl of sugar.

09/09/20 7:31:08

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11824Dave Bryan

''It's such a pity that the waitress has to bend over to collect the dishes isn't it , darling?''

09/09/20 7:07:43

 
Al Overy Vote score: 1701Al Overy

"Ok, ten down... Adhesive, commonly found in captions, rhymes with buperglue?"

09/09/20 7:00:45

 
stone face Vote score: 8266stone face

"This is my first blind date, I wasn't expecting a threesome."

"What threesome?"

"Me,You and your guide dog."

09/09/20 8:49:35

 
Rachel P Vote score: 2304Rachel P

“So, we’re going back to the first shop you saw six hours ago!”

09/09/20 7:37:04

 
Glyn Evans Vote score: 7008Glyn Evans

"No, it's not an ejector seat and yes, you will have to listen to the rest of my poem"

09/09/20 7:33:26

 
stone face Vote score: 8266stone face

"Moody, pensive, full of angst and lustful frustration. Yep...you're definitely a Virgo."

09/09/20 7:24:43

 
alexandra ball Vote score: 749alexandra ball

This bill is a bit steep, I'll give you a headstart to get out and I'll follow when the waiters back is turned.

09/09/20 9:46:05

 
Sheila  Graham Vote score: 317Sheila Graham

Shall we get a room? We could stay half bored.

09/09/20 7:52:41

 
The Wolf Vote score: 8873The Wolf

When you convince yourself that it's going to be a silent fart but it's not...

09/09/20 7:34:17

 
stone face Vote score: 8266stone face

"Costa?"

"No. He paid."

09/09/20 7:31:59

 
The Wolf Vote score: 8873The Wolf

"I know what will make this more exciting. I'll drop my keys under the table and when I pick them up, you can open your legs and give me a flash of the good stuff"

"What? Sorry, do I know you?"

09/09/20 7:29:37

 
Kenny Ireland Vote score: 5054Kenny Ireland

"CREAM ! That would be a good name for a band."

09/09/20 7:13:08

 
Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 11104Neil Mackenzie

When you have a stunning girlfriend you notice other men looking at her. How was he to know the Waiter was gay and only wanted to be ready for her order.

09/09/20 7:10:44

 
Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 11104Neil Mackenzie

He’d wanted one, he’d found one, he had passed the tests to get one and now he was the proud possessor of a wallet deflator.

09/09/20 7:06:50

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11824Dave Bryan

''Why don't you push the boat out and have a cup yourself?''

09/09/20 7:05:04

 
Stephen Bean Vote score: 12446Stephen Bean

Once upon a time a man lost the love of his life to a caption website. From that day on, he vowed to have his revenge and hide his identity so his sweetheart would never know who brought terror to her world. The rest is history...

09/09/20 7:01:16

 
Molly R Vote score: 2190Molly R

I know they don't allow smoking pot in here, but perhaps they won't notice if I hold it under the table.

09/09/20 10:08:11

 
Willie Johnson Vote score: 1909Willie Johnson

That look you give when that "silent but deadly" you committed has wafted your way and you don't want to be too conspicuous frantically fanning the fumes. And you still have to finish the fart.

09/09/20 8:20:32

 1
Dan Nicholls Vote score: 15360Dan Nicholls

His right hand is texting: On date with that loony from Tinder. Her Mum did a lockdown haircut on her. She's reading me her bloody horoscope. Phone me in 5 mins saying my dog has attacked a pensioner.

09/09/20 8:01:57

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11824Dave Bryan

''It says in Watchtower that God has all the answers to mankind's problems.''

09/09/20 7:29:12

 
Chris Keegan Vote score: 9566Chris Keegan

Apparently it says here because your in Wales and I'm not you'll be in
quarantine for two weeks.

09/09/20 7:19:13

 
Red Guy Vote score: 328Red Guy

Conversaturation

09/09/20 7:06:04

 
Dave Bryan Vote score: 11824Dave Bryan

''I think I'll have the 'Belly Buster' with extra toast.''

09/09/20 7:02:52

 
Eugene  Quill Vote score: 90Eugene Quill

"I think it's eating all this sugar that's causing your Attention Deficit Disorder."

10/09/20 16:23:14

 
Scrijjy Doo Vote score: 2802Scrijjy Doo

The Beat Tabulation

09/09/20 17:19:45

 
Barrie Bullock Vote score: 623Barrie Bullock

Modern prisons aren't punishment anymore.

09/09/20 16:00:40

 
John  Glover Vote score: 21003John Glover

"Of course I love you, I let you f@ck me, didn't I."

09/09/20 13:44:20

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 32703Tony Edwards

When relationships hit the wall.

09/09/20 9:03:51

 
Willie Johnson Vote score: 1909Willie Johnson

Super glue does come in handy when you want to finish your coffee and he really doesn't want to hear you recite some Vogon poetry.

09/09/20 8:26:53

 1
Ellen Duncalf Vote score: 266Ellen Duncalf

Listening to ♪ Be-bop-a-lula ♪
Whilst having a brew with Tallulah.

09/09/20 8:24:00

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 32703Tony Edwards

The look of lust.

09/09/20 7:59:51

 
Mark England Vote score: 17429Mark England

"You should see what Cathy from work has done with her garden. I love the decking, I think the colour is lovely, Misty Green I think she said it's called, and the solar lights she got from Argos, and...here, I'll show you on her facebook"

09/09/20 7:55:11

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 10314Mr Dome

'Mmm she's fit..'

09/09/20 7:42:33

 
stone face Vote score: 8266stone face

"Sorry am latte."

09/09/20 7:39:31

 
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 13376Vanessa the Guesser

A different T-cup had caught Jake's eye.

09/09/20 7:07:38

 
Red Guy Vote score: 328Red Guy

Table d-read

09/09/20 7:00:25

 
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