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"After you've done the downward facing dog I'll show you how to wipe your butt in the sand after a sh*t."
Troompa Loompa
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Police drone units scour the countryside far and wide to spot people exercising too far from home.
Tony Edwards
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"It's alright Mum, you push, I'll catch my sister"
Glyn Evans
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The book was so good she couldnt put it down, unlike her dog who is off to the vets in the morning.
Tony S
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Having flown around for years trying to find the correct birth address, the stork finally gave up.
John Glover
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Tonight on Panorama: Is there too much oestrogen in our water? We speak to three men in their thirties about their experiences.
Al Overy
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BREAKING NEWS: Daisy's second lunar mission ends in failure.
(But the little dog still has a good laugh)
Dave Bryan
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Of Mice and Menu
Stephen Bean
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"Hello, is that Chris Beach? Listen, I won the January Caption competition bigly and everyone knows it! SO FIND MY MISSING VOTES!!!"
Al Overy
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Wilma had long suspected Fred was biceptual.
Stephen Bean
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The cruise was all going well until they told us we were having a stopover in South Africa.
Ellen Duncalf
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"Get a broom!"
Vanessa the Guesser
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"Barry, you're twenty-seven, don't you think it's time you left home?"
James Lennox
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Police are looking for this man who has been going door to door getting pensioners to hand over their money in exchange for old magazines... police says its a comic con
Tony S
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''How much do the council pay you for doing this job?''
''What council?''
Dave Bryan
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"You kids are going nowhere until Paul Vause turns up."
Molly R
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Reverse cycleogy
Ian Skelding
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Jane immersed herself in the magazine. It was a distraction from her huge, over developed right foot, which she had to keep in a rubber orthopedic shoe.
stone face
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"I got chills, they're multiplying.."
"You'd better get tested then."
Vanessa the Guesser
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"If you were 'at your desk all morning', Mildred, how do explain this battered courgette next to an open copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover?"
Al Overy
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"They did warn me that if I kept putting my head out of the car window, my face would get stuck like this."
Molly R
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Tim's gestures have lost some impact since he had his middle finger amputated
Tony S
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Purrlesque
Glyn Evans
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"For fucks sake Tiger! Just take a drop shot."
stone face
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