My father was a low-grade imbecile with a penchant for buggery. My mother a Romany prostitute with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented superglue. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being Dave. Summers were spent in the Black Forest polishing Gulliver and learning the rules of cricket. As I say, an unremarkable childhood.