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Death by seagull.

29/07/18 9:37:13

It's where I get my beef tomatoes.

14/05/18 8:06:05

In this years Chelsea Flower Show , the competition was stiff.

13/05/18 8:07:17

"It's hideous ..It's horrendous ..Please save us
But that's enough about the the carpet back to the man in the mask.

21/04/18 20:17:25

Trumps Inn - Why not comb over.

01/04/18 12:01:09

The local council voted on which was the worst placed road sign in the county - This one won by a landslide.

24/03/18 8:02:18

PG Tiffs.

14/03/18 20:05:24

"When I volunteered I didn't know you meant an aural sex machine."

03/09/21 8:55:33

He has a highly inflated opinion of himself..

17/06/21 20:42:15

"And remember kids, always wear marigolds when touching the LBGT flag. It'll stop you catching the gayness."

09/05/21 8:06:44

"Well they did ask us to bare witness."

26/04/21 20:13:01

Lynne Guine

29/03/21 8:11:04

There was a roof protest at Strangeways prison today. Plain clothes wardens were sent up to quell the disturbance. Using sticks and force they managed to subdue the roof and are now listening to its grievances.

11/02/21 8:35:57

lol

"Yours is bigger and wider than mine, and much more hairier."

"It is isn't it... I got mine from Sporrans R Us."

23/10/20 8:07:06

Plume with a view..

06/05/20 8:29:15

I was in charge of cleaning this disgusting pool on my work rota. It was even more disgusting when the manager insisted we kept a log.

05/02/20 20:18:29

"Well at last, work on the Death Star is finished. Let's go have a drink lads."

"Did you remember to cover that small exhaust port up?"

"Nah, it's not like someone's gonna shoot a proton torpedo down it. Come on, drinks on me."

07/01/20 12:26:45

"No mum!! I said would you iron my burqa, please."

05/12/19 8:12:51

lol

It was unusual to see royalty in Greggs. As the Duchess of Lancaster sat eating her steak bake, a passer by thought "Weird.... pasty duchy on the left hand side."

31/08/19 8:17:07

"Is that a Lamborghini?"
"No. It's a Langoustini."

30/07/19 20:12:29

The annual general meeting of Villagers Against the Overuse Of Tables, takes place on Friday. All welcome.

03/04/19 11:09:05

Kevin the kestrel celebrates after getting through the live auditions on Britain's Got Talons.

15/03/19 8:21:36

lol

Quasimodo's screen saver.

15/02/19 12:51:31

Asked what they put their youthful age down to.
The ladies said " A grapple a day keeps the doctor away."

20/01/19 8:02:57

creative

"That'll be those giant radioactive slugs again..Get me that bucket of salt Doreen."

19/11/18 9:00:05

creative

Ever since he tried a spliff at Glastonbury, Papa Smurf has never been the same.

04/10/18 20:19:06

"I had to sit next to this smelly thing covered in fur today." Said the Yeti.

21/08/18 10:17:36

Block party.

17/07/18 8:47:24

"It's just a routine stop,cock."

18/05/18 8:42:05

The serial knee supergluer strikes again.

17/05/18 20:43:32

I can't see the trees for the wood.

13/05/18 8:04:35

Another police cover up.

05/05/18 20:14:01

" Darling ! Your mother's here".

04/05/18 12:01:05

The college bar is always full of pupils.

04/05/18 8:06:54

She was hoping for the real McCoy.

08/04/18 20:17:35

creative x2

Apparently the only programme Amish people are allowed to watch is Pingu. They are mad for it.

19/03/18 20:11:24

"Do you think we should let go of Gary's head now ?
His hand's stopped moving".

18/03/18 20:40:09

"How come you slung your inflatable, half woman, half fish sex doll?"

"I thought the fish half would be on the top."

24/08/21 9:27:36

Surely it Moscow in..

13/06/21 8:53:58

"And when you pass your test, son, I'll buy you the other half."

30/05/21 8:02:46

"Hello Deliveroo...I ordered a seal!"

24/05/21 8:04:54

"I see the water's cold today."

22/05/21 8:01:30

"Bad news am afraid, Mr Davies..it's twins."

18/05/21 8:06:42

Drivers are warned to be careful of the quacks in the road..

17/05/21 8:00:39

"Are you going to be supporting Black Horses Lives Matter before the race?"

"Yes, I shall be taking the neigh."

13/05/21 9:03:15

Ryanair take off support worker.."ok, release the tow rope."

08/05/21 12:32:50

What a sad looking bunch..

02/04/21 8:37:09

Mrs Wilson wanted to prosecute the dog for stealing her false limb, but the police said she never had a leg to stand on.

25/03/21 20:21:24

"Oh here's a good one...'Went to Knowsley Safari Park today, and and a little bastard baboon shat on my window screen.'...That'll be you, junior."

21/03/21 9:55:52

Casper The Friendly Toast..

04/02/21 8:44:12

"Hi Honey. How you getting on taking those old blinds down?"

01/02/21 8:04:51

"How was your Centre Parcs holiday on the moon?"

"It was ok. Just the bars were crap. No atmosphere."

24/09/20 8:04:43

The moment Doreen discovered who the secret transexual was.

28/08/20 12:48:25

"Wow! That was some orgy.. I really am the king of the swingers."

15/08/20 8:08:37

Half an hour later, Dave realised he wasn't on an escalator.

19/07/20 20:55:42

Such a lovely couple..They bent over backwards for me.

16/05/20 13:37:20

Am glad grandad's got a new hobby.

10/05/20 8:42:43

Wurst Father Christmas ever..

04/05/20 8:00:55

♬Bees are good...Bees are good ♬

03/05/20 12:11:22

In knitting class they tortoise how to knit this.

10/04/20 10:32:32

Ruff sleepers

04/04/20 12:03:50

"Are you sure this is how you test for the Corona virus."

19/03/20 8:04:58

And you wonder why he hasn't come back.

03/03/20 20:46:32

"I told you to be careful with that zip."

28/02/20 20:03:26

Santa Paws..

12/02/20 8:12:21

"How come they're still in the window? It's february for Christ's sake."

"Apparently there's no get out claus."

06/02/20 8:14:12

New Shakespeare play - Muff Ado About Nothing

05/02/20 8:02:33

"I wonder how my dozy son got on, on his first day in the meat packing factory? "

19/01/20 21:08:01

Another bloody period drama.

10/01/20 20:20:10

You should see him on the way home.

09/01/20 12:48:44

🎵 Oh I do like to be, be scythe the sea scythe..🎵

18/12/19 17:17:04

"🎵 Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.🎵"

"Listen, I appreciate the restaurant's sentiment, with the free cake for my daughter's second birthday.
But you could've waited till we were out of the toilet."

23/11/19 8:03:55

"Cold, cold blooded. Creeping round the house, spying into every little crevice that no one else would give attention to.
But hey ..That's enough about the wife., does anyone want to see my lizard."

22/11/19 15:20:28

"Come on darling! Say thank you to Grandad for decorating your bedroom."

05/11/19 20:07:45

Hershey comes ..

03/11/19 20:44:55

creative

Doctors think they have found the reason so many panpipe players are getting cancer.

22/10/19 8:19:45

Superglue-Never stops being funny.

18/10/19 8:01:11

"You're going to need a bigger oat."

09/10/19 8:05:29

"No, you're good to go. No cocaine round the nostrils.
Now get out there and entertain those toddlers."

03/10/19 8:08:51

My bank's gone bust..

12/09/19 13:39:52

May the farce be with EU..

10/09/19 8:50:40

Paul O'Grady waits with trepidation, he knows how savage some captioneers can be.

09/09/19 12:19:47

"Is he a crossbreed?"

"He used to be, before he discovered yoga."

06/09/19 21:52:24

In grey the president looks good. In orange the president looks good . Impeach the president looks great.

30/08/19 9:23:15

"This has got to be the most popular caption ever. Really, that's what they are telling me. It's attracted the most captions and the voting has been off the scale, bigly. But you know, the fake media will say hardly anyone took part. Sad."

30/08/19 8:49:34

"See Bernie! I told you never trust someone's Tinder profile."

20/08/19 13:18:19

On your question marks, get set, GO.

04/07/19 8:01:42

Yoko Ono always denied she had an affair with Groucho Marx.

21/06/19 20:34:39

" Yes I fell asleep while the council were trimming the hedges"

06/06/19 7:52:17

"So Ginger Mccain, do you think being the trainer of Red Rum has gone to your head?"

"Not at all."

21/05/19 20:47:47

"Get those horrible whiskers and that foul fishy breathe, out of my face please." Said the seal.

01/05/19 8:01:46

I love women but I couldn't eat a full one.

16/04/19 20:17:02

No wonder Nan's looking confused, she thought she was there to show off her hip op records.

24/03/19 8:00:19

Heel Armstrong

22/03/19 12:13:29

Somethings transcend religion - ideology -cultural differences. Like wilfully ignoring the world around you, whilst checking your Facebook profile.

21/03/19 13:00:44

"FEE FI FO FUME!"

17/03/19 8:18:57

"Excuse me, what are you doing up my tree?"

"Nuttin'"

28/02/19 21:52:32

"Well we've had mobile phones and all kinds of drugs hidden up people's backsides , but this is the first time we've found someone trying to smuggle a chair into prison."

15/02/19 20:18:30

"If you like I can make you a lovely cloak, something like this, and it would go so well with the velvet suit you are wearing my Emperor."

15/02/19 20:07:39

"Before I went to prison 20 years ago, I remember burying my favourite bike next to my lucky acorn..I wonder if it's still there?"

23/01/19 12:51:28