signed up: 2 years, 11 months ago
profile viewed: 398 time(s) this week
captions since joining: 1,228
captions this week: 1 (quota: 27)
votes given since joining: 457
vote score: 1606 
(4 this week)
Ron Allan
I think I'm 54..at least that's what others tell me. I actually lost interest many years ago after people stopped putting money in my birthday cards. I'm deaf in my right ear but luckily have a spare on the left which I utilise when needed. I have been cursed with an unusual brain disorder which causes me to Riverdance whenever I pass a butchers shop and I am also the first person in the UK to apply for an Eyelash Donor Card.
At the age of 14 I lost both my legs and a kidney in a freak tin-opening accident..for a while, surgeons were optimistic that they could save the limbs, but hope quickly faded and sadly I was fitted with two wooden legs...on the plus side, though, they did manage to graft my own feet onto them.
I have thrice contemplated suicide in my life...firstly...when the powers that be tragically and inexplicably decided that 'Cresta' was to fizz no more...Secondly..when (during a bout of blatant disregard for other people's property) my mother lost one of my favourite Ben Sherman socks in the wash...and lastly...when Jimmy Saville failed to fix it for me to have a threesome with the Krankies.
I once agreed to be a surrogate beard grower for a hairless family member but I only ended up breaking his heart when I fell in love with it and refused to hand it over.
I have had a sausage sandwich Cryogenically frozen for future consumption.
In 1973 I explained to an official at the Astronomical Union that I had discoverer a brand new COMET in our Solar System..unfortunately he must have been hard-of-hearing as I ended up with an Omelette named after me.
I once had a bed-wetting problem which I obviously tried to hide...but (even if you overlooked the constant smell of stale piss) the rainbow in my bedroom and the guttering around my bed was a way too obvious give away.
I was always delighted to hear mum mention the word 'Special' whenever she discussed me with friends...I later found out that she had always chose to lower her voice when adding the 'Needs'.
I managed to convince my Brother-in-law to import 10 million tonnes of sand from Iraq so that he could drill for his own oil.
Trivia one..I was once arrested for bringing Black Market Dance CD's into the country..but later got off on a technocality.
Trivia two..I was concieved at a Glenn Miller tribute concert..and as a result I tend to swing both ways.
Trivia three..I have been terrified of the clergy ever since I was nine years of age after a large gang of rogue monks burst into the family home demanding suet.
Trivia four..With an overriding need to be famous (but different) I have made plans to swim the Channel Tunnel.
I lost my dear dad over a year ago, now (but Jesus, that was one hell of a game of cards I can tell you)
Any points I may receive for my captioning efforts I hereby dedicate to his memory.
Interests: Movies,Mothballs,Stephen King,Breasts (not Stephen King's breasts) Carving effigies of Bonnie Langford out of Spam. Training ferrets to carve Spam effigies of Bonnie Langford. Collecting Medieval satellite dishes,Crumpet Juggling. Knitting vest's for Angelina Jolie's plumber,Air Kazoo,Impressionist paintings of Shovels,sliding Rhubarb through my neighbours letterbox on his birthday..Exclusive..I am currently building a full scale replica of Noddy Holder out of shrimp paste jars and Blu-Tac and hope one day to auction it off for my favourite charity...Cravat's For The Homeless.
Status: Taken, Town/City: March
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captions
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The Last Cuppa comments (total: 2) |
23/05/11 |
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All the drinks were free of charge. |
13/05/11 |
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In the cold winter months George the flasher preferred to describe himself to his victims. comments (total: 1) |
04/02/11 |
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The Flasher In The Rye |
21/06/11 |
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"Is it the real thing?" |
08/06/11 |
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Furball Sharkey |
14/02/11 |
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If he were being honest, Malcolm was quite disappointed with the Metropolitan Police Witness Protection Programme. |
25/08/09 |
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The Tortoise now held a healthy advantage. |
14/06/09 |
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Doctors agreed, separating the conjoined twins was going to prove a substantial challenge. |
31/03/09 |
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Won't be able to cope on my own she said. |
08/01/12 |
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Jestalator comments (total: 2) |
06/05/11 |
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Angling |
29/04/11 |
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Michelle had been sad ever since her boyfriend dyed in her arms. |
28/04/11 |
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Primer Donna |
04/03/11 |
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"If you can still hear me in there, hang on to your school satchel and I'll try to pull you out" |
24/09/10 |
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Miraculously, Sonia survived Hiroshima by hiding in a Post Box. comments (total: 2)Oh God, I can't stop pissing myself laughing everytime I see this caption. Brilliant!! 02/05/10
11:24am |
27/04/10 |
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Reserved parking for the Erectile Dysfunction Clinic. |
28/11/09 |
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Butt Pug |
14/11/11 |
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It was a funny day in Rodney's garden. comments (total: 8)Thanks for the countless brilliant captions, Ron. Champion contribution to the site - will be very much missed 
Chris Beach  (admin) 01/08/11
10:35pm Sorry you are going into caption retirement, you caused many a chortle with one or two guffaws and a ton of tee hee's you have a great talent. Take it easy Ron. Peas. 01/08/11
11:17pm Sad to see you leave caption competition, your captions where often an inspiration for me to learn looking differently at pictures. All the best and hope to see you back here someday... 02/08/11
12:24pm Sorry to loose your wit and humour, you will be missed. 02/08/11
12:27pm coming over all sound of music. 03/08/11
09:23am A big, big thanks for all the kind words...and Sound Of Music recitals..nice one Joe. 03/08/11
12:21pm |
01/08/11 |
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Barry was the first ever security officer to gain promotion for getting the sack. |
21/03/11 |
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Miss Cue |
14/11/10 |
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By the 7th week of inactivity, Copperfield's audience were thinking of asking for a refund. |
20/07/10 |
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Eva's first kiss with the Führer hadn't gone well. |
17/06/10 |
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Eunice had the typeface that only a mother could love. |
07/05/10 |
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Cold snap |
19/04/10 |
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It got even more impressive as the sun went down. |
28/11/09 |
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June had only just discovered the vibrate option on her cell phone. |
21/11/09 |
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Brian and Olly always used EasyJet when flying South for the winter. |
24/10/09 |
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The perils of holding a Car Boot Sale in Kenya. |
31/08/09 |
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Gloria’s shoplifting was getting even more daring. |
17/06/09 |
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‘The Loneliness Of The Thong Distance Runner’ |
13/05/09 |
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Milk float. |
06/04/09 |
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Fruits of the forest |
22/12/11 |
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Down to earth with a plonk |
22/07/11 |
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When the other toys slept, Woody indulged his passion for Cross-dressing. |
30/06/11 |
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Ingrid misread the poster and thought it was the beginning of the Cantaloupe hunting season. |
23/06/11 |
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Yet again, Baby-Face Miles McGinty proved to be the most deceptively difficult wrestler to defeat on the WWF circuit. |
08/03/11 |
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"So will you be having any more corrective surgery miss?" |
17/10/11 |
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"And if anyone comes up with the dreaded 'no leads' caption..go for their bloody throat" |
13/06/11 |
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A Bare Leg In A Round Hole. |
10/06/11 |
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Watts yours? |
13/05/11 |
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National Agoraphobic Shopping week begins. |
11/05/11 |
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Rock Chick |
08/05/11 |
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Just another sign of the times. |
06/03/11 |
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Paint Stripper |
04/03/11 |
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OK, that's great...now, lets have the bride and groom's parents on their own, please. comments (total: 1) |
06/10/10 |
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FIFA were in the process of investigating Simon's lengthy after-goal celebrations. comments (total: 1) |
05/10/10 |
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Cat o' nine ales |
04/10/10 |
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On the battlefield, Nurse Wendy soon perfected the art of getting foreskins out of zippers. |
07/09/10 |
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Some residents were against Easter Island moving with the times. |
28/08/10 |
2
top comments (total: 41)
A big, big thanks for all the kind words...and Sound Of Music recitals..nice one Joe.
Can I just say that this site has been an absolute godsend to me. Other than my Dad (who I believe was Breast-fed by The Goons) nobody in my family really understood my sense of humour (take a glance at my profile) and I saw this site as a stage for the off-the-wall and bizarre..along with the more traditional kinds of humour...and a challenge to see if I could make others smile.
It's great to see all of these new faces also taking up that challenge..Chris must be absolutely thrilled to see his site attracting so many new faces, both young and old alike.
Nobody on this site should worry in any way about the style or quality of their creations as we are all on the learning curve together. For me, I found the simple study of my fellow captioneers efforts to be the quickest and most effective way to improve. The real beauty of this site, though, is that it offers all a totally open stage to experiment...all without the fear of heckling. And if you're new to the game, never be intimidated by high-scorers...as no captioneer on site would claim they have it down to a fine art...however good we think we are, we can always improve our craft.
Again, many thanks to all, and can I just add an apology for the length of my final caption...I dedicate this to my good friend Keith McClory..lol
12:21pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
I know how you're feeling..I queued up for fifty minutes in Boots last year to get my son an Eye Pad.
07:22pm
comment on caption: In a bid to get my son what he wants for christmas this year, I have been eating a lot of eggs... I can't wait to see his face christmas morning when he opens his eggs box. [Steve Fosbraey]
Early contender for the next £50
07:56pm
comment on caption: The first passenger flight of Derry Air [Lee Hauxwell]
Saunders?
10/10 for getting both wrong and still getting 3 points..LOL
09:46pm
comment on caption:
Colonel Sanders eureka moment.
[Joe T]
A winner from day one..great caption.
01:31pm
comment on caption: I heard it flew the grapevine. [Ian Skelding]
You speak for yourself, Davie, I am. Lol.
11:24am
comment on caption:
(the dog) hey your holding the back of my neck a bit too tight
(man with the beard) you just feeling a bit RUFF (rough) [Sam White]
Hey Steve.
A caption in itself..if only I'd thought of that..great stuff.
PS...By Stink Floyd maybe?
Ron.
11:30am
comment on caption: All in all it's just another shit by the wall. [Ron Allan]
Spoilsport, you corrected it...8/10..LOL
01:43am
comment on caption:
Colonel Sanders eureka moment.
[Joe T]
That reminds me, I must inform my doctor that I'm Case Sensitive.
Don't believe all women my friend...small is sometimes better.
11:48am
comment on caption: SHELLY GET DRESSED ITS THE IKEA SECURITY GUARDS AGAIN; WE HAVE TO LEAVE THE STORE [Jonathan Fitzpatrick]
last comments (total: 60)
Chuckled, voted but you need to correct the punctuation... it's... it's... it's a disaster! 
12:24pm
comment on caption:
"It's not the sex, Craig, believe me, the sex is just fine..and it's not even the weird way that you dress..it's just that you spend so much time on that bloody rockery"
[Ron Allan]
Top captions, Ron. Best of luck and hope you come back sometime soon.
09:38am
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
A big, big thanks for all the kind words...and Sound Of Music recitals..nice one Joe.
Can I just say that this site has been an absolute godsend to me. Other than my Dad (who I believe was Breast-fed by The Goons) nobody in my family really understood my sense of humour (take a glance at my profile) and I saw this site as a stage for the off-the-wall and bizarre..along with the more traditional kinds of humour...and a challenge to see if I could make others smile.
It's great to see all of these new faces also taking up that challenge..Chris must be absolutely thrilled to see his site attracting so many new faces, both young and old alike.
Nobody on this site should worry in any way about the style or quality of their creations as we are all on the learning curve together. For me, I found the simple study of my fellow captioneers efforts to be the quickest and most effective way to improve. The real beauty of this site, though, is that it offers all a totally open stage to experiment...all without the fear of heckling. And if you're new to the game, never be intimidated by high-scorers...as no captioneer on site would claim they have it down to a fine art...however good we think we are, we can always improve our craft.
Again, many thanks to all, and can I just add an apology for the length of my final caption...I dedicate this to my good friend Keith McClory..lol
12:21pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
coming over all sound of music.
So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, good night,
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight.
So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu,
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu.
best of luck Ron. Doffs cap.
09:23am
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
Sorry to loose your wit and humour, you will be missed.
Perhaps you should celebrate your retirement with a bit of ado Ron Ron.
All the breast
12:27pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
Sad to see you leave caption competition, your captions where often an inspiration for me to learn looking differently at pictures. All the best and hope to see you back here someday...
12:24pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
Sorry you are going into caption retirement, you caused many a chortle with one or two guffaws and a ton of tee hee's you have a great talent. Take it easy Ron. Peas.
11:17pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
Thanks for the countless brilliant captions, Ron. Champion contribution to the site - will be very much missed
Chris Beach 10:35pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
Best of luck to you Ron :)
02:51pm
comment on caption:
It was a funny day in Rodney's garden.
Despite his Peat being a Dud, his Laurel's were still quite Hardy..though a little on the large side. After a quick grumble about his weeds and Carrot Top's and worrying about his Tati's..tragedy was near. W... [more] [Ron Allan]
lol!
Chris Beach 10:50pm
comment on caption: Would all Captioneer's planning on entering more 'Coo' captions..please form an orderly coo. [Ron Allan]
Cracking caption. my highist ever individual caption score and still beaten. well done.
01:59pm
I was accompanied all the way to the wire by a classy caption Joe.
Spooky..as I believe it was my highest scored too.
I guess I'd better keep my eyes trained in case you're planning your revenge.
11:48pm