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Teds Iceland with the Northern Lights holiday was a shambles.
Teds Iceland with the Northern Lights holiday was a shambles. photo | portfolio
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Jonathan Allsopp Vote score: 2411Jonathan Allsopp

Ted's 'Iceland with the Northern Lights' holiday was a shambles.

07/09/17 21:24:03

 
Vanessa  the Guesser Vote score: 3210Vanessa the Guesser

Ben was on the lookout for Aldi single ladies, Aldi single ladies

07/09/17 20:25:41

 
Neil Mackenzie Vote score: 7689Neil Mackenzie

I'd been driving home. The Kids were having a sleep over. It would just be Me and the Wife alone in the house. I pulled in to a Tesco 24 hour store. A bottle of wine and some candles, I'd show her romance wasn't dead. Leaving the store the phone rang, it was the Wife. Could I pick up 2 pints of green top and a tube of Canesten.

07/09/17 20:00:34

 1
I can hear Bogart snarling this. Beautifully noir, and funny too. --Crunchy Chords
Eamon Moore Vote score: 129Eamon Moore

The little known Hitchcock movie, 'Front window'.

07/09/17 21:10:18

 6
You're all away with The Birds. --Pete
C CaMel Vote score: 1954C CaMel

Mystery shopper

07/09/17 22:24:31

 
Pete  Vote score: 15777Pete

Van Morrison on phone to reporter: "Some people think I don't have a pot to piss in these days which is nonsense. In fact I've done numerous outdoor gigs recently and I'm coining it."

07/09/17 20:14:00

 
John  Glover Vote score: 15343John Glover

"You were right, after ten pm they reduce the prices. I got 50p off the coffee, three for one on the baked beans, £1.50 off a six pack of lager, half price strawberries and bananas and a £20 fine for overstaying my time in a parking bay."

07/09/17 22:03:53

 
Bobby D Vote score: 716Bobby D

Ray Mears CAUGHT! getting supplies for his new show, "Surviving In The Wild"

08/09/17 0:55:45

 
Paul Woolley Vote score: 3174Paul Woolley

Gandalf rang Frodo to explain that he'd made a mistake. The ring couldn't be destroyed in Mount Doom, but in Waitrose in Bracknell.

07/09/17 21:53:40

 
Ian Skelding Vote score: 16874Ian Skelding

"Sallah, Indy here, I've been stood up again."
"Bad dates."

07/09/17 21:24:43

 
Kenny Ireland Vote score: 3138Kenny Ireland

"I'm going to be a bit late. The wife stopped off to buy milk and a morning paper".

07/09/17 22:44:32

 
Tony Edwards Vote score: 24204Tony Edwards

"I thought you said this gig was a big window of opportunity for me."

07/09/17 20:59:14

 
Dan Nicholls Vote score: 8171Dan Nicholls

"Yeah, I'm outside. I can see the trolleys, but I haven't got a pound. What do I do?"

07/09/17 20:36:02

 
Mark England Vote score: 12525Mark England

"Hello HQ. This is Beggar 223 reporting from pitch 37. I've a bit of a problem...I've lost my mouth organ"

07/09/17 20:34:47

 
larry G. Vote score: 902larry G.

"Hold on Frank - I see a few women walking this way-give me a few minutes to flash them."

08/09/17 19:00:07

 
Karen Oakenfull Vote score: 520Karen Oakenfull

At least he's got a pot to piss in.

08/09/17 18:16:46

 1
Mr Dome  Vote score: 2856Mr Dome

I can see her now and yes, she's off her trolley

08/09/17 16:42:21

 
GeeDee Vote score: 2300GeeDee

Window Stopping

07/09/17 22:58:31

 
John  Glover Vote score: 15343John Glover

"What do you mean, I'm supposed to wear a special uniform and work as security INSIDE the store."

07/09/17 22:41:10

 
Troompa Loompa Vote score: 15484Troompa Loompa

Harry's mean and moody look was just a facade.

07/09/17 21:50:58

 
tony kelly Vote score: 869tony kelly

''Jean, I have only made 27 pence all evening, so it looks like I'll be buying some value baked beans in this nearby Tesco. Things are bad, some joker even asked me if I had a light..cheeky bugger.''

07/09/17 21:06:47

 
Troompa Loompa Vote score: 15484Troompa Loompa

Tesco Mobile

07/09/17 20:55:55

 
Vivvy En Vote score: 1573Vivvy En

"Hello, Freshco manager? Yes, I'd like to complain. I've been stood outside your store for five hours now and I haven't seen one Coronation Street resident, not one."

07/09/17 20:45:21

 
Mr Dome  Vote score: 2856Mr Dome

Shady character

07/09/17 20:30:44

 
Michael Winner Vote score: 18962Michael Winner

*KRRKKK* "All available units, keep an eye out for a suspicious male disguised as a retail park supermarket..."

07/09/17 20:29:22

 
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